Christmas has come and gone

Kind of obvious right?

Anyways I hope you all had a happy Christmas. Ours was great. Outside of the stresses of getting things ready in time. But before we go there let's back up a couple of days. All the way back to Thu. after work. I came home from work and to my horror found that someone cleaned my garage. Some of you might not see that as a bad thing but let me tell you why. As dirty as my garage was (it barely had a walk way to get from the house to the driveway) I still new where my stuff was at. When I came home all my hunting stuff was buried. I opened my garbage can in the driveway and some of the stuff I need was in the garbage. All the stuff that was scattered on the floor was now piled up from the floor to the ceiling on one wall. Needless to say I was not in a good mood. I was actually kind of pissed. Most of that was due to working an 11 hour day but also because of my garage, we still needed to go shopping that night for more gifts, and I needed to make a dish for the Christmas party at work. Any ways back to the garage. Apparently my s-i-l got bored and decided to clean the garage for me. That is something that I do alone. I knew it was a mess but I knew where my things were. I was going to clean it after duck season ended next month.

OK enough of that. Had the party at work on Fri. then came home early because of the sickness that I had earlier in the week. It started up really bad again while out shopping on Thu. night. I spent the rest of the day in bed.

Sat. I woke up to an early Christmas present from Summer. We woke up early and she initiated! Yes it was a great morning. :) Spent the rest of the day locked in my room wrapping presents.
That night we did our family tradition of driving all over town looking at the Christmas lights. Usually we go to a different city every year but we couldn't get the gas for it this year. All the overtime that I wrote about earlier was supposed to be here before Christmas. Unfortunately Sacramento screwed up the checks and we won't get them until the end of this week now. Dam state.
One last thing of importance for Sat. On the 14th I ordered a Gameboy on line for my oldest son. The online deal came with 2 games. When I placed the order it guaranteed delivery by Christmas. Well it never came. Actually the gameboy came but the games didn't come. I called the Mart by phone and they said there was a problem with the delivery. It won't be here until the 27th. I got a little flustered with the guy and said what about "guaranteed delivery" does that mean anything? Now he has a game boy with no games to open on Christmas day. He said he was sorry. And he could cancel the order. I said that's great. You sold us the games online for half the price you sell them for in the stores. Plus we live 30 miles from the nearest store. He refunded the 4 dollar shipping fee. WooHoo. So Summer and I had to go to the nearest store and break down. We used the credit card to by some last minute gifts. But I'm still happy with the way our shopping ended up this year. We paid cash for everything except 50 bucks we charged.


Christmas Day!
Summer and I woke up early again. Around 6:30. Again she initiated! Thats all I needed for Christmas. I was a happy camper. She initiated 2 days in a row.

Now our kids are not anything like I was as a kid. My sister and I were knocking on my parents door at 5 in the morning asking if it was time to open presents. And that was when we were in high school. :) Our kids on the other hand were still asleep at 8:30 in the morning. We have to wake them up every year. After we woke them up they opened their presents We went to my parents house. For more presents and dinner.

Let's just say that Santa was extra generous to the whole family this year. We got $350 worth in Gift Certificates to Home Depot. Exactly what we needed. And a portable DVD player for the Exploder. now long trips won't be a fight with the kids. Hopefully. My mom, dad and I all got GPS units for Christmas. They were even the same brand. Just different models. I think the best gift of the day goes to my youngest son though. My sister bought him a self inflating whoopi cushion. Thanks sis.
Played Texas Hold 'Em last night with my sister, dad, and grandma. No one had money and we were just learning so we didn't use money. Just assigned different colors different values. To bad for me as I was the winner last night.

So today of course we had to spend those GC's from Home Depot. We went and bought a new front door and security door. Summer wanted the security door after the incident with the guy with the pink purse.

So now we are up to date. Had a hard time finding pics without people in it. I like the picture feature and might try to use it more. We'll see. There's a good pic of Summer and I but I'm not sure if she'd like it. So if it's ok to post it Summer let me know.

I've been sick

Sorry that I haven't been posting lately but I have been sick the last few days. Actually Summer and I have been sick for a few days. Thank God that her sister was here yesterday. I truly mean that too. Summer came home from work early and I was already at home from work sick. So s-i-l watched the kids while Summer and I were able to lay in bed and rest. I was to sick to even try to make a move on her. :( Now that is sick for me. I was feeling a little better last night so I tried to post but could not read the screen as I was seeing double. Couldn't read any of my favorites or anything.

So next week is my first appointment with the psychiatrist. It's a good thing too as our oldest son is really trying my patience at this time. He's done some really hurtful things the past few months and it's getting out of control. Sorry but that's all I can say at this point. But I will not be the only person seeing a shrink.

On to a kid subject that I can post about. I need help from experienced parents PLEASE. Our youngest son is 5 years old. From the day that he was brought home from the hospital he has slept in our bed with us. When he was 3 we got him to sleep in his own bed just to fall asleep. Then in the middle of the night he would wake up and walk into our room and climb in our bed. Without waking us up. We would wake up in the morning with him next to us. The only way we were able to get him to sleep in his own room all night was to sleep in there with him. About a month ago he finally started to sleep through the night in his own bed. Then after Summer quit the supermarket things went back to the way they were when he was 3. He is now back in our bed. He will fall asleep in his own bed but then in the middle of the night he crawls into our bed. We have tried many different things to get him to sleep in his bed in the past. Bought him a new bed, let him choose what he wants on the bed, letting him stay up till he fell asleep on his own, let him watch TV in his room till he falls asleep. When he first started to walk in the middle of the night we were told to put a lock on his door to keep him in there. I don't like that idea. Although they say it is for his safety because it keeps him where he is safe, and out of places where we can't see him. So what should we do?
Oh the only way to still get him to sleep in his bed just to fall asleep is to lay down with him. Then when he is asleep we can get up and leave. But then sometime between 10:30 and 6:00 he gets in our bed again.


One last thought for the day. As I was writing this I was also watching Dr. Drew on Discovery Health channel. One of the topics was a girl who had laser vagina reconstructive surgery. WHY??????? To me that seems like such a waste of money. So she had 3 kids. So what? Summer has had 2 kids and she is fine the way she is. What is the purpose of this? Is this what medical science is doing for us? Dr.s are now saying " Ok. So you've had a few kids and now your stretched out. Well thanks to medical science we can make you a virgin again.' What a waste. But that is just my opinion of course. Instead of tightening women's vagina's, lets cure breast cancer. Now that is a service that women really need.

Long weekend

Finally the weekend is over. Came home from work early on Fri. to get some housework done. Didn't turn out to well though. Had check book problems. It seems that using the check card wasn't such a good idea for presents this year. Although we did stick to our goal of no charging gifts on credit. The problem is that I would by stuff with the check card then come home and transfer from the savings to checking to cover the costs. Well I didn't do that soon enough on 1 occasion. Then Summer made an order online for me and didn't tell me. So that money didn't get transferred as well. Needless to say we bounced a few checks. I did get all the charges reversed though. The bank was supposed to transfer the money from savings to checking automaticly. Overdraft protection. But it wasn't set up like it was supposed to be. They refunded the bank charges.

Yesterday we picked up Summers sister. She will be staying with us for 3 weeks. The fun is already starting. After picking her up we went to the family Christmas party. It was great. My cousin introduced me to a new drink. Butterscotch Schnapps and Bailey's Irish Cream. MMMMMMM!!!!!!!! It was good. I got a Texas Hold 'Em set from the gift exchange. Now I need to learn how to play cards.

Attempted to go duck hunting today. A tree fell down and blocked the road to the club we were going to. So I got up early for nothing. We did pretty much finish all the shopping today. Just need the stocking stuffers.

Sorry it's short and boring but Summer wants the computer now. We really need another one.

Interesting conversation

Just wanted to let you all know that we are having a very good conversation over on Digger's Unsolicited Advice. I do recommend dropping by and giving it a read.



So today was a shitty day at work. I got sprayed in the face with emulsified asphalt. To hard to explain what it is. But lets say that it is hot and sticky. It is all over my face, beard and hair. I took a shower and was able to get most of it off my face. But it is still in my hair and beard. If it don't come out tomorrow I might have to shave my head and face. :(
My s-i-l got permission from her probation officer to come to our house for 3 weeks. So we are going to pick her up on Sat. morning. So we will be able to finish our shopping when she is here to watch the kids.
I just love shopping online. In a matter of 5 minutes sitting at home I was able to buy Summer 95% of her gifts. I'll finish the rest tomorrow online.
Sorry if it's not an exciting post but there's really not much happening. Still trying to figure out how to word what I want to say about my belief system. But some of it is coming out over on Digger's sight.

A correction

As I was re-reading last nights post I found a discrepancy. When I talked to the officer at work he did say that the police were notified about the guy at McDonald's. So I asked why was it then that there was no report of it in the police logs. He said because they never found the guy there was not a police report written. Therefore there was nothing to put into the logs.

An update on the guy with the purse

I talked to a police officer today at work. I was able to get the story from him about what really happened. The guy came to our house on Mon. morning as i said right after Summer walked in the door from taking our son to preschool. Then on Tue. around 3:30 or so the same guy was following 2 girls home from McDonald's. When they got close to my street the guy tried to coax them into his car by offering the little pink purse. They ran home and told their mom. Mom then called her husband who in turn called th police to make the complaint. The husband and wife also wanted to remain anonymous. So the police have no way of contacting them to get any more information. All that they were able to tell the police was a description of the vehicle he was driving.
The officer that I talked to said that they were patrolling the area for a few hours but were unable to locate the car. So I told him that I would have Summer call him when she was on her lunch break. She was able to give him a description of what the guy looked like. Apparently we are the only leads that they have. The officer did tell her that the next time someone comes over like that and looks suspicious to call the station. As long as they have a call about a suspicious person in a neighborhood they can stop him and talk to him. If they have no calls they can't stop him for just walking down the street. Interesting.
It is kinda freaky knowing that this guy has been in the vicinity for a few days trying to find little girls with a purse. SICKO! Hopefully I see him again. I really want this guy caught.

So much to talk about!

Well this might be a long post if I can stay awake. It's been a long week. I actually worked 20 hours of overtime since last Fri. night. I got called to work 3 times this past week for accidents on the highway. Then we had scheduled 8 hours for sealing cracks in the highway today. The interesting accident was last night. A person that goes to Summer's church (she's also the mom of one of our babysitters) was on the highway and tried to pass a fire truck. The truck WAS responding to a call and had it's red lights on. Well she tried to pass it and ended up T-boning it. Oh it was also in a no passing zone. Idiot number 1. Idiot number 2 was a person who tried to pass a hay truck on a 2 lane levee road. In the fog. He ended up driving off the levee and almost went into the river. Did I mention because of this idiot 5 other cars got hit? Luckily no one was injured. We just had to close down the highway for a few hours cleaning up the debri.
I'm not telling this to you all to bore you. I'm telling you so that you don't become like these other idiots. Please be careful when driving. Turn on your headlights in the fog. And DON'T pass emergency vehicles!

Now to the real posting. As I told you I stayed home from work on Mon. Well something happened that I never thought much about until yesterday. ***Side note: I'm finishing this now on Sun. afternoon. I was called back to work again last night and didn't get home till 1:30. So make that 24 hours of ot in the last week. End note. *** Now where did I leave off last night? Oh yeah. Mon. when I stayed home. So this guy comes and knocks on the door. Summer answers the door and this guy is asking her if we have any daughters or if we have any kids at all. He says he found this little pink purse on the street and is trying to find the 'poor little girl who lost her purse'. Summer tells him no we don't have any daughters. Well the guy sounded real pushy to me so I went to the door. I was sitting at the computer reading Blogs at the time. The desk was out of his sight so he didn't know I was there. As soon as I got to the door his whole attitude changed and he apologized for taking her time, and left.
Well on Thu. I was talking to a guy at work and his wife was talking to the principal at the elementary school. She said that a guy tried to lure 2 girls into his car earlier in the week with a little pink purse. The girls ran away from him. So we went to the police station to see if they knew anything. Well apparently the parents of the girls never told the police about the incident they just told the school.
So now both Summer and I a little bit on the paranoid side. I keep thinking about what might have happened if I wasn't home. Could it be possible that he knew she would be home alone on a Mon. morning and knew when she would be home from taking the youngest to school? He came to the door within minutes of her coming home. Summer keeps saying that she is glad that I stayed home from work that day. She's almost afraid to be home by herself now. Maybe I'm over reacting but that's just the way I am.

Now we go to Fri. night. I received the call from the Kaiser shrink and I have an appointment on the 30th of the month. Should be interesting. Summer and I went out to dinner without the kids that night. It was great. We had a good time together. But OMG it was expensive. Not really our dinner that was to be expected but the babysitter and the pizza for the kids. Since when did 2 medium pizzas cost 30 bucks?? 1 cheese and 1 pepperoni were 30 bucks. Holy crap. I was expecting maybe 20 tops. Really need to find different food for when we have a babysitter. After dinner we did a very small portion of Christmas shopping. By the time we got home it was 11:30 and the babysitter and our youngest son we crashed out on the couch. It took 10 minutes to wake her up so I could take her home. I felt bad about keeping her out so late. But apparently it was fine. I talked to her mom after work yesterday and she said anytime we wanted to use her to babysit that it would be fine. She was thrilled because our youngest told her that he loved her. But then again he tells everyone that he loves you if you give him what he wants. He's only 5.

I seem to have sparked up some interesting comments on my last post dealing with religion. As I said in a comment you all had some good points. I do have more to say about it but I need to get my thoughts together first. There are just to many things that I believe that go against everything that Christianity believes in. But more about that later.

Last weekend I told you that I had some things to talk about that I haven't talked about before. Well here it goes. So we have had quite a few conversations lately, and some of them have ben about sex. Without going into to much detail here after reading some of the Blogs that deal with clashing libido's, Summer told me that she thought that the only reason I was with her was because of sex. That could not be further from the truth. Yes I love to make love to my wife. Who wouldn't love to make love to their wife? But there is so much more than that. I married her because of who she is. She also seems to think that just because I touch her that I am trying to make love to her. That also is not true. I hold her, kiss her, touch her, all just to let her know that I love her. It's like digger of Reality and Redemption. I'm just looking for some intimacy. I don't ever want her to feel like I am pressuring her for sex. To me if she is being pressured then she won't be in to it. If she is not in to it then she won't enjoy it. If she don't enjoy it then I won't enjoy it. So why would I want to pressure her. The good thing is that since we have had these conversations She don't seem to be stressed out when I go to hold her at night.
So there you have it. I have posted a about sex and it was not offensive. (I hope).

This has been way to long of a post and I need to catch up on my reading so till next time.

A short post I promise

Well as predicted last night Summer stayed in the bedroom all night relaxing. I stayed on the computer until 10:30. I was fine with that I got to hold her for a little bit when I got in bed. The thing is that she told me earlier that she was in the mood for ice cream. So I went to the store and bought some Ben & Jerry's. MMMMMMMMM! Good Stuff. Well it's still in the freezer unopened. Why would she tell me she wants ice cream then lock herself in the bedroom? I just don't understand women.

On to what you all want to know about. I called Kaiser today. Unfortunately the counselor I wanted to see has moved to Oregon. So I can't see her. Summer is glad because when we saw this person for marriage counseling a few years ago she didn't like the counselor. But this time she's not going so what difference does it make? Anyways they would not set up an appointment for me yet. They need to have one of there psychiatrist's call me between 2 and 4 on Fri. to talk to me and see what I want and which person I should see. Then they will make the appointment.

I tried to have a conversation about religion again with Summer. But it didn't go to well. I felt like I was being talked down to. All I wanted to know was what exactly is an evangelical Christian. When I hear the word evangelical I think of TV people who try to take your money. Then we started to talk about how I don't like the way that different religions always say that they are right and all others are wrong. Like my friend who is Christian says that only Christians go to heaven. None of the others do (Catholic, Jew, Mormon, etc.). My Grandma who is Catholic believes that Catholics are the right religion. And so on and so on. I believe that it don't matter what religion you believe in as long as you believe in something. Am I wrong?

Sorry it was longer than I wanted it to be.

It's back! (again)

Well It's finally back! Again. Yes Summer's Exploder is finally out of the shop again. It was released back into our custody last night. It runs great now. Much quieter than it was before, has more power off the line now (I could be just used to my Yota to though), and is pleasant to drive. Oh the most important part: It only cost 400 to fix it. The owner only charged 4 hours of labor and parts. So we didn't come close to breaking the bank. Our youngest son though almost did just that.

So I'm doing laundry on Sat. afternoon when I notice water all over the garage floor. The washer machine is spilling water from the drain onto the floor. So I run a snake down the drain. It still is not draining. So I go into the house and there is sewer water in the tub (front bathroom) and in the shower (Master bath). Great. Youngest son used too much tp again. So I run the snake in the cleanout in front of the house. It works enough to get the drains flowing. So I thought it was fixed.
Go hunting again on Sun. (it sucked again.) and when I get home and start dishes the shower is backing up with sewage again. Apparently I didn't clear the whole clog on Sat. and Summer and the kids were just piling tp against the clog all day. It was to dark to do anything that night so I called in sick to work yesterday. We ended up calling a plumber. That plumber charged us $214.00 to come run a snake down the cleanout. I couldn't believe it. I was glad he was able to use the cleanout though. He would have had to charge us 170 PER toilet to remove them and run a snake down those drains. What a rip off. But I was so glad that we had the money in the savings account to pay him. That way we didn't need to the Visa. The rest of the day was spent with Summer reading Blogs and making cookies. Finally. So we will start Christmas shopping this weekend. My dad and I have decided to take this weekend off of hunting. There is to much other stuff to do. I'm scheduled to work 8 hours of overtime on Sat. YAY :-)

Things between Summer and I are still going good. I'm calling Kaiser to make an appt. with a counselor tomorrow after work. Need to set a reminder. Was going to do it today but ended up putting the lights outside the house after work today.

In reading Summer's Blog I see that she is thinking about no longer posting on her site. She said that writing on it has caused me to much pain. Although it has hurt me reading what she writes, it's not the way she thinks it is. It hurts me because of what I have done to her to hurt her. At the same time I am so glad that she has written her feelings out. She has kept them in for so long now. She does admit that she feels better letting it all out. She also thinks that it is taking to much time from other things. Now that I can understand. Not saying she has more important things to do. I really want her to take more time for herself. That is one of the things that seems to be helping us out is me giving her more of her own time. For instance right now. We both had long days today and we both want to relax and unwind. We just have different ways of doing that. I want to be with her and just sit on the couch and hold her. That is how I unwind. She in the other hand wants to sit in the bedroom alone and read her bible. So I'm on the computer writing while she gets her alone time to relax. Then in about an hour I won't be able to take it anymore and got to bed.

I can't seem to find a fitting way to close tonight. So for now let's just say good night.

Where do I begin?

The last few days have definitely been interesting. Summer started her new job on Thu. We found out some things about the job that just didn't sit right with me. I tried to talk to her about them but she took it the wrong way. We thought originally that if she wasn't doing massages she would be answering phones and getting paid to do clerical work. That is not the case. If she is doing no massages she is not getting paid at all. In fact if she doesn't have a massage scheduled for that day then she don't report to work. Her employment status is 'on-call'. But she wants to go to work every day that she is scheduled to be there even though she is not being paid. Which is fine. It shows good work ethics. But here's the thing. While she is at work not getting paid we have a kid who is in daycare that isn't free. Plus if she stays home because she don't have an appointment they want her to stay by the phone just in case someone comes in for a drop in basis massage. So she can't go anywhere at all when it is her scheduled time for massages. Which includes every other Sat. She is at work now just to get into the routine of a new job and to get to know the residents. That's fine. But if she wasn't there right now we still would not be able to go somewhere as a family today because she would need to stay at home by the phone all day. The state tried to do that to us a few years ago. It went to court and the judge determined that it was illegal to expect someone to stay home with out pay on there day off just to wait for a call that might not happen. In this case I'm considering that if she does not have an appointment scheduled then that is her day off. The state wanted to have one person from each crew to stay home by the phone for an entire weekend just in case there was an emergency on the highways we work on (accident, pothole, dead animal). But they weren't going to pay you unless there was an actual emergency. To me they are doing the same thing to her.
Well when we talked about it she thought that I was mad at her. I wasn't mad at her. I was upset about the way they are expecting her to be employed. I was upset because now we are paying quite a bit in childcare every week and if she don't do a massage during the week she has no income. So how will we afford the childcare? If she is not actually doing a massage at the place of business then she should be free to do whatever she wants with her day. I also feel that she settled for this job just to get away from the grocery store. I don't want to settle for just any job. She has a real talent and I want to her to get what she deserves for that talent. She says that she is not in the massage business for money. She is in it to make people feel better. That is fine but we have bills to pay. We need to keep our heads above water. Right now we are barely able to breathe. When I try to talk to her about this she tells me I am just greedy. I'm not trying to be greedy. I'm being realistic. As I told her on her blog and in person "I see great things happening for you. But you will never see them if you settle for less than what you are worth. It's not about being rich. It's about getting what you are worth."
Enough of that for now. I think that dead horse has been beat enough.

On to happier things. I went to the shop after work yesterday. The owner said that they are putting the Exploder back together. A seal was pushed out of place by the excess pressure caused by to much oil. They put it back in place and we should be driving it by Tue. I want them to keep it for a day after it is put back together to make sure that it fine. I want them to drive it hard and I also want them to let it idle for a long time too. No word on how much it will cost though. At least it is getting close to being done. That made Summer extremely happy when I told her.

As I have stated before we have been talking quite a bit more lately. Some of the conversations have been great others not so good. She is having a hard time letting go of the past when I used to yell at her. Everytime we try to talk about something that we don't agree I can see her shut down. She keeps thinking is he going to yell at me again? I know it is my own fault for that. I just wish we could move pat it. We are both needing to say things to each other but we are both afraid to say them. I'm afraid of hurting her and she's afraid of making me mad.
We are also starting to read blogs together. We often find ourselves sitting at the computer together reading blogs. Here is a problem that I have not seen when i wanted her to get into Blogging. We only have one computer and now we are having problems because we want to make comments together or we both want to update our own sites at the same time. Really need to get a laptop for her. The reading blogs together gives us something else to talk about at night. We lay in bed talking about what is going on with so and so. Apparently she has a non sexual crush on FTN's wife. Whenever his wife comments she always says how much she loves what she has to say and how much she agrees with her. The latest agreement came when she replied to his post about the Scavenger hunt. (Which I was told to never try to do.)

And this brings us to our current quandary if you will. I have stated before that I don't want this to become a sexual Blog. I also said that Summer don't want me to post about sexual things because it makes her feel uncomfortable. Plus she don't like the subject. But some of the things we have talked about that I feel are important enough to share deal with sex.
I really don't want to leave you all hanging here but I need to get some stuff done now. So if you bare with me I will try to post again tonight.

A great big THANK YOU!

My wife and I would like to send out a great big Thank you to FTN for his latest post. The Clashing Libido convention. That was one of the funniest things I have ever read. I read it when I came home from work and laughed so hard it hurt. Over 3 hours later I would be driving down the road and just start breaking out in laughter again. So if you haven't checked it out yet go read it now. It will be well worth it.

How far should friendship take you?

What I mean is how far should you take being a friend to not make a complaint? As I have said before I consider the owner of the shop my wife's Explorer is at a friend. But how far should I let that go before I say 'What the hell?! This truck has been here the whole freaking month of November. How much longer are you going to keep it here?!' I'm really getting pissed here. I also feel that I am justified. I went to the shop last Wed. and talked to one of the mechanics. They haven't even touched it in 2 weeks. In the meantime it started raining this week and I'm walking to and from work in the rain. Summer starts her new job on Thu. and I have no way of getting to the babysitters to pick up the youngest on the days I need to. I talked to the owner yesterday and they finally pulled the oil pan. The pistons look good. So they pulled the valve covers and everything looks fine there too. So now they need to pull the head and the intake manifold. At this time they have no idea why it is sucking oil into the #5&6 cylinders at idle, so it will be there indefinitely. In the meantime we have payday shopping to do tomorrow night and Christmas shopping that we can't start until the truck is out of the shop and paid for. That way we know how much money we have for presents. I don't like not being able to buy presents for the kids. Can you hear the tone of my words here?


On the plus side Summer and I have been communicating more frequently now. If something is bothering me instead of taking it out on her like I used to I now tell her what is bothering me. I don't want her to try to tell me that I'm right or wrong. I just want her to listen to me. I found that is a huge help. Ever since I started to talk to her about the things bothering me (like the vehicle issue) she has much more open to me coming up to her and hugging her and giving her a kiss. That is something I have always wanted. We don't leave the house now without a hug. We don't come home without a hug either. It's like it was 10 years ago. She's even talking to me about subjects that used to be taboo.

I've decided that as soon as the truck is out of shop I am going to make an appointment to see a counselor. Even if it means taking time off of work. I need that anyways. Work is stressing me out so much. Getting into therapy is to high of a priority for me now to put off until we know what Summer's schedule is going to be. I figure if you all were this much of a help to me as free psychiatrist's, how much help could a psychiatrist be if he is being paid? The question is will Kaiser have a decent one for me to go to. I'm thinking about the one that Summer and I saw a few years ago when we were in marriage counseling. Summer didn't like her but I did so that might be a first option.

As for the weekend hunting sucked. My dad and I met my uncle on Sun. morning and he told us that someone shot a pig 10 minutes after we left on Fri. That and it was shot 50 yards from where we were standing that same 10 minutes earlier. Sun. pheasant and wood duck hunting sucked to. We were out from 8 am till 5:30 and didn't see one bird except for a hen pheasant. Trying again this Sun.

I didn't get a chance to make cookies like I wanted to do either. Summer got to the kitchen before I did. She made a batch of cookies and realized we don't have any freezer bags to store them in. So I can't make cookies until after payday. :( So procastination takes over again.

One final thought: How is it that this Blog can be mistaken for a sex Blog?

Seven Layer Cookies

Here is my favorite cookie to eat during the Holidays.

ingredients:

• 1/2 cup butter
• 1 cup crumbled graham crackers
• 6oz chocolate chips
• 6oz butterscotch chips
• 3/4 cup moist coconut
• 3/4 cup chopped walnuts
• 1 can eagle brand sweetened condensed milk

In a 9x13 pan melt the butter. Sprinkle Graham crackers over melted butter and press into pan. Layer remaining ingredients in order. Place in oven at 350 for 25 minutes.

You can actually buy a box that has all the stuff in it but they don't turn out as good in my opinion. Also when we make it Summer is allergic to walnuts so we don't put them in. Maybe I'll put up another recipe this evening. We'll see.

Happy 12th Anniversary!!

Today Summer and I celebrate our 12th anniversary. 12 years ago today on Nov. 25, 1993 I asked Summer to be my wife. It was Thanksgiving day. Oh and you guessed it. She said yes.

So now to today. Nothing much to report today. Pig hunting SUCKED! We decided not to go tomorrow. Instead we are staying home tomorrow and going after pheasants on Sun. If we are lucky we will be getting into some wood ducks to in the evening. Here's to hoping. :)

Now is time to get ready for Christmas. I WILL make cookies tomorrow. The tree is put up already. It just needs to be decorated. Last year I broke down and bought a fake pre lighted tree. I always said that fake trees ruined Christmas for me. But after last year I kinda like it. It is a lot easier to clean. No needles to vaccuum. And the biggest plus to a fake tree: I don't need to hassle with putting lights on the tree! Now if only they sold pre lighted houses.
Have a good weekend!

Time for another recipe!

Well just in time for Thanksgiving I have decided to put up one of my favorite recipes for dinner. I will be making this tonight for tomorrow nights dinner. Now I must warn you ahead of time. When you first look at the recipe it will not look appealing. But trust me. It tastes wonderful.

Frozen Salad.

• 1 Package Philadelphia Cream Cheese (Softened)
• 1 cup Mayonnaise
• 1 Can Crushed Pineapple (drained)
• 1 Small Jar Marachino Cherries
• 1 Cup Nuts (optional)
• 1/4 cup Powdered Sugar
• 1/4 tsp. Salt
• 1 Cup Cool Whip
• 3 Cups Mimi Marshmallows

Combine the first seven ingredients. Fold in the whip cream and marshmallows. Put in cake pan and freeze over night. Thaw for 30 minutes before serving.

During the next month I will be posting various holiday recipes that I will be baking. I LOVE to cook. Especially this time of year. I plan on baking at least 5 different types of cookies in the next month. Most of those will be double batches and making the same double batch 2-3 nights in a row. We give a lot of cookies away to our neighbors on Christmas day. Something my family has done for as long as I can remember. Plus the big holiday family party, and cookies going to work. Here is an idea of what I will be baking in the coming weeks: oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin cookies, 7 layer cookies, butterscotch oatmeal cookies, M&M cookies, fudge drop cookies, Pretzel Salad (Another excellent dish), sugar cookies, pie crust cookies, and Chocolate Chip Cookies. I am also thinking about trying my hand at making fudge this year and chocolate covered peanut clusters. My dad usually makes candy but I want to make some this year if I have the time. Plus for Christmas morning I will be making cinnamon raisin bread. So there is a lot of cooking. As I said the other day I am way behind this year. I usually start Christmas cookies a week before Halloween.

Happy Holidays to you all!

Well I'm home from work today. YAY! I got upset with my boss today. I went in and asked if I could go home at 12:00 so I can get some stuff done for Thanksgiving. My Leadworker said he sees no problem with it but I need to talk to the supervisor first. Well right about then the supervisor calls him up on the phone because once again he's late for work. My leadworker asks him if I can leave at noon. Supervisor says NO. He said it loud enough that I could hear it from the phone and I was 6 feet away. He said no one is leaving early today. Then he hung up. So leadworker says well you heard the boss no ones leaving today.
Now here's the thing because of our job and it being the day before Thanksgiving we are supposed to stay in the yard all day because of the heavy traffic on the highways. It's not like we are short handed either. We just got 3 people added to the crew last week. 6 months ago there were only 4 people including supervisor on the crew. Now we have 7. So we are not short handed. So leadworker said you know what to do. He's playing his little games again. (He being the boss.) So I called Summer, she called boss, he called me and said I need to go home because the youngest needs to go to the Dr. because he is sick. (He actually is sick. He's had the flu for 3 days now and is starting to get an ear ache.) So instead of me only taking 3 hours vacation I'm now taking 8 hours family sick leave. All because he wanted to play his little games. The thing is I can play the little games right back. I technically don't have to show up to work. As long as I make contact every 5 days they are required to keep my job open for me. I'm just doing him a favor by staying till noon. At least that was the plan.
So when I got home my wife asked how much longer am I going to stay on this crew. I don't think I'll be here much longer. I'm to the point to where it don't matter how much it costs to work in the other yard I'll do it. Just to get away from current boss.
The sad thing is I really like the other people on the crew. I like the area I work. It's just the boss that makes it miserable. The even sadder thing is that my boss did the same thing a year ago to someone else. He drove this other person off the crew. The guy ended up being given 2 weeks off for work related stress caused by my boss. Before you start thinking fraud or anything like that I work for the state of California. The state has there own Dr.s for stuff like this so employees don't screw the state the way the state screws us. The state Dr. said he needs time off for work related stress and put my boss under investigation. Now he's doing the same thing to me.

Anyways today I'm thinking about putting up the Christmas tree. This is my favorite time of year, so I decided to put the tree up today to get me in a better mood. I need to wait for Summer to get home first. She just called and the youngest has an ear infection AGAIN. I can't believe how many ear infections that kid gets. As soon as he gets the slightest sniffle he gets an infection.

Also I would like to thank all of you for your support to Summer and myself. We appreciate it more than we can say. It's amazing how people that you never see can make as much of an impact a life as you all have done for us. Thank You!

Amazing!

Well that's the only way to describe it. Simply amazing.

My wife and I just spent the last 2 hours just sitting and talking. The kids sat in the living room and watched a movie. While we went into our room and talked from the time I got home till 6:00.
I really don't know what to say here. We talked about so much stuff this afternoon. We talked about a lot of things that I have been feeling, and some of the problems that I have had since before high school. Namely the racing mind. There was so much other stuff we talked about but I am having a hard time trying to talk about them. Sometimes it's hard to admit my faults. I talked to her about things that I have never talked to her about. For the first time in a long time she did the same. She also opened up and talked to me. One thing is certain. I really need to go into counseling. I'm just so scared to start. There are so many things that I am afraid of about going, and I don't know why.
A commenter on Summer's Blog (I believe it was Kissy) said that she went through some of the same issues with her Ex. She also said that part of his problem was that he was unhappy inside. Well guess what. I'm the same way. I'm actually a very miserable and upset person inside. There are so many things that I don't like about myself. But what I don't understand is why is it that I a take out all my inside issues on the one truly amazing thing in my life? For some reason I drive her away from me whenever the inside struggle gets bad. I would drive her away by yelling at her. Why? For the time being I can't answer that question. I have a theory though. In looking back most of the times that I got really upset or angry at her were times when we were going through real bad financial problems, or I felt that I wasn't good enough for her. So instead of talking these feelings through with her I would yell at her and push her away. (She is not the person that made feel like I wasn't good enough. I made myself feel that way.) So in one of my theories I feel that maybe I was pushing her away on purpose so that she would find someone that was good enough for her.
Another thing that my wife brought up tonight was my cousin. About 7 years ago he committed suicide due to depression. Also my sister was diagnosed with Bi polar disorder. Some people on my dads side of the family have been diagnose with depression also. So I think that may be one of the reasons that I am afraid to go to a counselor or shrink as I call them. I'm afraid of being labeled. I'm also afraid of being put on some funky medication. Especially one that would affect my abilities to hold a commercial drivers license. That is a requirement for my job.
So here is a short list of things I don't like about myself.

1. I'm a huge procastinator. I put everything off. I've been putting off going to anger management classes for a few years now. There always seems to be something stopping me. Same with going to see a shrink. Something is always there to stop me.
2. I feel like I am not supporting my family in a way that they need to be supported. I want to give my family the things that I had growing up. A fishing boat, big house, all the "cool" stuff. I want to be able to take the family on nice vacations to Disneyland. Take my wife on a cruise. Take the kids and wife on a Disney cruise. That stuff is all materialistic but I want to do that for my family. If I can't do that I feel like a failure.
3. I can't stand the way I look in the mirror. Like I've said before I'm way over weight. But I can;t seem to lose weight. I don't stuff my self at dinner. (Unless my wife cooks spaghetti. I love her spaghetti.) I eat 1 sandwich for lunch and a Mt. Dew. I don't eat breakfast. I drink at least a gallon of water a day at work. But I don't lose weight.
4. I don't like the way I treated my wife. No need to go into detail you all know that.
5. I always look to the negative. I don't know how to look at things as a positive. They are always negative.
6. I am always to busy drowning in self pitty to see the positive things in life.

There is some more also that we discussed. I feel a huge emptiness inside of me like there is something missing. I told my wife (oops almost slipped and put her real name) that I am actually jealous of something that she has. I've noticed that some of the other Bloggers out there have it too. The main one would be FTN. Especially in his latest post. They all have this inner peace that I long to have. I know where it is and what causes it. I just don't know how to embrace it. Or how to ask for it.

Well I have bored you all enough for the night so I will sign off. Here's to the future.

So much to do so little time

I find that I am WAY behind in my holiday preparations this year. Usually by now I have several dozen cookies baked and at least half the Christmas shopping done. This year I haven't baked one cookie. I have bought one gift for my Grandma but that is it. I haven't even got a clue as to what I am going to get anyone yet. At least on the plus side I don't have to buy a tree this year. Last year we did the unthinkable and bought a fake tree. To me that just makes Christmas not Christmas. But at least this year it will save on some hassle. So much to do.

Plus I am really amped about seeing 2 movies this year. The first one I want to see as a family. That one is The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe: The Chronicle's of Narnia. I loved to read those books as a kid. The other one I want to go see with Summer. It's Walk the Line. The movie about Johnny Cash. I really enjoy listening to his music.

I may have found a way to get out of my current employment situation. I'm not going to quit my job but I can get a transfer. I was loaned out to another crew today. The supervisor on that crew said he has an opening that he wants me to fill. The big problem is that to work on that crew I would need to pay for bridge toll. So my commute cost would go up from 5 bucks a week to 15 just in bridge toll and another 20 in gas. But Summer is all for me putting in for this transfer. I talked to the supervisor again after work and he said that they will hold the position open for me until mid Jan. That way I can get used to the house payments and see how Summer's job goes to see if we can afford the commute costs.

Well I've been all over the place tonight so I'll go ahead and sign out.

She had her last day!

Well last night was a good night indeed. When my wife got home from work she was carrying a bouquet of balloons and a card. I asked what they were for and she said for her last day of work.
"I thought your last day was going to be next Fri."
"It was but when I looked at the schedule they erased my name from the list. So tonight was my last night. They didn't want me to work my last week."


So she did what she thought was the right thing and her boss did what I wanted her to do. Instead of her snubbing them, they snubbed her. Oh well. The important thing is that she will no longer work at that grocery store. She now has 2 weeks off work till her new job starts. She will now be at a job where she will be happy with what she does.
The balloons and card that she was given were from some of the cashiers. Her boss did not sign the card, neither did Queen B and Hot B. The big balloon said you are appreciated.


On a side note I talked to a friend last night about our situation. I said some things that I have been thinking for quite some time now. The amazing thing was that as soon as I said them I felt different. Everything got quiet, my head wasn't so heavy, and the most important thing was that my mind stopped racing at 100+ miles per hour. That last thing is something that I have wanted for as long as I could remember. I wrote about it in a previous entry some months ago. About how I can never turn off my mind. It is always thinking about several things at once. Constantly. Well last night it shut off. Of course it turned back on this morning but last night was amazing.


On the final note for tonight I'm just curious what month are we in here? Here we are in the week before Thanksgiving and it is still in the mid 70's as a daily hi. We have had no rain at all this year. Last year at this time we had over 5 inches of rain and were in the low 60's-hi 50's. My dad and I went goose hunting today and on the way home this afternoon we had to turn on the AC. While hunting I only wore a sweatshirt till about 10:00. Then I was in just a T-shirt. For the second week in a row we never raised our guns to our shoulders. There were all kinds of geese in the area but they were all 500-600 yards in the air and not working the call. So we will be giving up on waterfowl for next weekend and try our hand at pig hunting. The club has a new pig property about 90 minutes from home. So we will try that on Fri. and Sat. It will be 3 people going. We are going to try to get a pig for the family Christmas party this year. I want to roast a pig in a dug out pit in the ground. I've never had one like that but hear they are good.
On a plus side to the hunt besides it being better than the best day at work (The worst day hunting is better than the best day at work), is that the dog that my dad got back in Sept. is coming along nicely. He is not gun shy and is really starting to settle down around the blind. He is even teaching himself how to point birds out. He is going on point at every thing. He even points flys on the wall. He should turn out to be a real good pheasant dog by next year.
Well this is longer than intended and I have been up since 1:30 this morning so I'm going to snuggle with my wife and go to sleep.

In response to recent comments from yesterday.

I was going to comment in the comments section but decided to post the comment on the main page instead.
Thanks to all who

commented

. I appreciate it.
The flower thing to me although a good idea has always sounded like bribery. It always bothered me to see people buy flowers for someone when they messed up. They should be for better occasions than just "I'm sorry". Same for jewelry.
dh, Although I did get mad about a truck incident, the one she is referring to happened in 1998. It was 6 days after we bought it. I have said nothing bad to her about the Explorer now. I realize that getting mad serves no purpose. Besides it was an honest mistake. Although it does make one of my beliefs stand firm. I believe that ALL students be required to take at least 1 semester of auto shop in High School. Even if they don't become mechanics they will know the bear basics of a car AND they will know when a mechanic is blowing smoke to make more money.

I have wanted to go to counseling for quite awhile now. But have always made excuses for reasons not to go. Just like I still make excuses to NOT get a vasectomy (but that's a different story). But I have always wanted to go to a counselor but that was as a couple not alone. That thought has never crossed my mind. So maybe now is the time. But as usual there is something stopping me. Namely 1)We only have one vehicle to drive. & 2)When I do have the time to go Summer is at work. So there is no one to watch the kids.

That being said she is starting the new job on the 1st of the month and she should be working less night time hours. That will be the time to go. She can stay with the kids and I can go to the city to see one. I actually have one in mind if I can remember her name. I do hope that she (Summer) will be willing to go with me after some time.

As for changing the name of the Blog last night that isn't even the half of how hard I was on myself. That is just how I was feeling at the time. The way I am feeling right now is genuine. It may be hard to see because all you see are typed out words. But my wife is seeing what I feel in more than just words. I have always felt that words don't really mean much. People can say whatever they want. It is a persons actions that mean something. That's why I can't stand the word 'sorry'. To me that is just a word. I don't like to say it because to me it holds no water if you will. Instead if a person truly is sorry it will show in their actions. Actions speak louder than words. I have been trying to let my actions say what my mouth couldn't or wouldn't say. Maybe I need to say it along with act on it. Some people go by words more than actions. But once again I feel that I am rambling.

One last thing before I go. I had always thought that it was better to let my feelings out when I was angry or upset. That way they would not be pent up inside to fester and boil. But now for the last little over a year now I have found that it is better to keep some things inside and try to work them out on the inside before letting them out. Well that is all now. I need to take care of the boys as Summer is at work. 3 more days till she don't wok there no more.

Well now where do we go?

I'm sitting here now feeling like the lowest piece of scum on earth. I read my wife's Blog today. I am so fucking blind. How could I not see what I was doing to her all these years? Is it possible to be this stupid? Well apparently it is possible, because I am that stupid.
All this time I had no idea what I was doing to her. If I knew that was what was going on I would not have stopped her from leaving me last year. I would have had her leave long before that. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And all that I have done for the last 11 years is push her away from me.
I knew that when I asked her to start her own Blog that she would say some things that would not be good. But I felt and still do feel that these things needed to come out. I just never thought it was this bad.
So here I am. I really feel like shit right now. My throat is all tight. My stomach is all knotted up. I'm having a hard time looking at my wife. Neither one of us knows where we are at anymore. I just don't know what to say anymore. For the first time in years I'm actually crying. I deserve every bad comment I have received on here, along with every thing that my wife has said. There is nothing that I can do to take it back. There's nothing I can do to make things better. My wife is scared of me. What else is there to say? If my wife were to come to me right now and say she wants to leave I would have to let her. She has every right to leave me.
I want to stay with my wife for the rest of my life. I just don't feel that I have the right to that kind of happiness anymore. I don't deserve it.



Maybe I always new that she was to good for me, and she deserved better than me. Maybe I did all that to push her away so she could find what she really needed in life. Who knows?
Well I think I have wasted enough of your time on me tonight. Go out there and tell the person in your life that you love the most exactly how you feel. Let them know how much you love them. Above all nothing is important enough to get mad enough to lose everything that is dear to you. Learn from my mistakes.

I'm tired of the modern world!

No really. I am. I'm tired of the way that we rely on all of our modern conveniences. Go back in time 150 years or so. How did man/woman get around? They walked. Or they had horses. They never had to worry about their feet braking down.
Or their horses. They had to worry about their horses dying but if the horse was getting on in years. If that happens just breed said horse. New horse is born. Problem solved. Retire old horse to pasture. They never had to worry about PG&E, or phones. Or any of that other shit. I wish I could just go back in time and live back in the 1800's. Things were so much easier then. You didn't need to drive 50 miles round trip just to pick up a loaf of bread or Some other crap. Nope. They just made their own bread, grew their own vegetables, raised their own cows for meat and milk. Butchered all their own meat or hunted for it themselves. (That's part of why I love to hunt. It takes me back to a simpler time.)
Fast forward to today. The year 2005. We all rely on our vehicles and Electricity and other shit that we invented because we just couldn't live without it. We have become so dependent on cars as a society anymore. Hell we have been down to one vehicle now for over 2 weeks now. It is getting harder and harder to get by. Yesterday was payday. We usually go shopping as a family. We find that we spend less money that way with someone to say 'Do we really need that?'. Also it gives us time to spend together. But no. One of our cars is in the shop. So I went with the youngest last night. It was fun to spend time alone with my son, but I missed the family time.
It is even worse tonight. I didn't have time to go to all the stores that I needed to go to. So now I am having a pot luck at work tomorrow and I don't have all the stuff I need. Summer has my truck at work so I can't get it. I stopped by the shop today and they will have the Exploder in there indefinitely. They thought that it had fixed itself when I talked to them yesterday. It was running fine, no oil coming out of the exhaust, no misfires. But today when they drove it they stopped for a bridge opening and after 5 minutes the check engine light came on. It was a misfire code again for the number 5 cylinder. So apparently when it idles it sucks oil into the cylinder. So now they need to take it apart tomorrow and pull the piston to see if it lost a ring. Not good.

Well I feel that I have bored you all with my sorrows enough tonight. I really don't want to sound like a cry baby. I'm just not really happy at the moment.

I told you..........

......That I was a complete ass towards my wife (Summer Rose (her new name)) for a long time, and that I deserved every thing she did to me. What she has written is true. I did lose my temper with her for STUPID shit. Why you may ask? To tell the truth I don't know. I will not type here and try to make up excuses blaming my parents or anyone else for that matter. Nobody made me act like that. I did it on my own. There is no excuse for what I did. None. The important thing is that we are moving on. We are finally starting to move past the hurtful things in our past. I just wish I saw it sooner. She still has a lot of pent up hurt from me that I imposed on her. That is part of the reason that I wanted her to start her own Blog. So that she can get it all out in a place where she will not be judged. It has actually helped us out since she has written her first post. Summer seems to be happier getting things off her chest so to speak.
So where do we go from here? I don't know. I just know that we are working on things as they come. Like when I first started my blog I'm sure Summer will do the same. She will let all the hurt out.
Good night.

Well as you all know I went duck hunting with my dad yesterday. It was an ok day. Never raised my gun to my shoulder the whole day. The only birds we saw were flying 400+ yards high. The geese looked like little dots in the sky. On the plus side though my dads dog was introduced to gunfire while out there. We thought he would be afraid because we think he came from an abusive home. He is real scitish around loud noises at home. But yesterday my dad threw a few bumpers for him to get him excited. Then I threw a bumper while my dad fired his shotgun. The dog looked at my dad then charged after the bumper.
The day was pretty decent. Although as has been the case with me lately I have come to another realization. I realized that my dad and I were together from 2:30 in the morning till 3:30 in the afternoon. During that whole time we never had any "real" conversations. We talked a lot but mostly about work and future hunting trips. There were a lot of things I wanted to talk to him about but I never did. It is always like that. We never really talk about anything deep or meaningful. It is all superficial.

So my wife made her Blogger debut yesterday. As Digger suggested to her she will probably change her name. I helped her set up the account. When we set it up we were both tired and couldn't find a name. So we used what she commented on my site with.

When I came home from work today she said she read the comments left for her. Then she said she actually started to cry because she wasn't sure what she should write, and that she was surprised people were that interested in what she had to say. I told her to just write the truth. There is nothing that she can write about what I did that I don't know about anyways. The only thing I don't know was what she felt. So this may be a real eye opener for me when she starts to post more. Right now I am waiting for her to get off work at the grocery store. She turned in her notice tonight. Plus I ordered some roses for her while I was at work. So at some point tonight while she is at work someone will be delivering 6 roses to her. With a card cogratulateing her on her new job.

One last thing before I sign off for the night. While going through my hunting stuff I found half a pack of cigarettes. It has been since sometime in Aug. that I have smoked. But when I found them I almost lit one up just because. I didn't do it. I also didn't throw them away either. I put them in my cold weather hunting jacket in the garage. I'm not sure why though. I just did.

She made her first post!

Ok everyone. Just letting you know my wife made her first post on her Blog today. For some reason her Blog is not showing up on my Blogroll. (I figured out how to get it to work by the way. YAY :) ) So here is the link. If I can remember how to do the html.

married to confuse

I forgot to tell about the mice

So for the second post of the day I will tell you about our little mouse or mice not sure yet. On Wed. night after putting our youngest to bed the cat wanted to get into the linen closet very badly. So I opened the closet and came to the computer to read up on all of your lives. Then I heard her going away from the closet. I turn and look and she is going into the youngest son’s room with something in her mouth. I go down the hall and see her playing with a dead mouse in my son’s room while my son is laughing hysterically. Me being the husband I am thought that I would call M2C at work to tell her how good her kitty was. Well that was a bad idea. She freaked out on the phone.
So on Thur. she took every thing out of the linen closet and vacuumed it out.  Today we went to put the linens back into the closet and found fresh mouse ‘gifts’. So we had to take everything out again and vacuum again. In the process I went into the coat closet and found more ‘gifts’ in there as well. But the good news is while cleaning the coat closet we got rid of a bunch of jackets that we don’t wear anymore. No we did not through them away. We are donating them.

So there is the mouse tale.

Truck update

I’m trying something new here so let’s see if it works. I just downloaded the Word add on for Blogger.

So I talked to the shop today about the Exploder.  They said that the misfire code has stopped registering. That is a good thing as that means that most likely the piston did not float a piston ring. The catalytic converter is still full of oil. Actually the whole exhaust system is full of oil. They want to do a fuel injection flush to clean out the top end. But they can’t do that until they get the cat cleaned out. They are trying to keep from ruining the cat, as they just replaced it and the rest of the exhaust system 18 months ago.  When they started the truck up this morning they revved the engine a few times and turned it off. When they walked to the back of the truck there was a pool of oil under the exhaust outlet.  So the owner was going to use the truck to run all of his errands today to try and clean out the exhaust.
The rest of the day was spent trying to get M2C to relax. She is beating herself up over this constantly playing the ‘What if Game’. I’m sure you can think of the what if’s she’s saying. So I said “what if I had a pussy instead of a dick. That would make us lesbians”. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say.
**We interrupt this post to bring you the latest information.**  The shop just called. They did a leak down test on the heads. Acceptable is 10%. It is at a 15%. So what that means is that it needs to have a valve job. So now they need to take every thing out that they just put in for the gaskets and send the heads out to a machine shop. So we will be without the truck for at least another week. It will cost at least another 1500. They will have a better estimate for me on Mon. morning.**We now return you to your regularly  scheduled posting.**

Now where was I? So this afternoon M2C was really stressed out trying to do laundry and clean up from our mouse problems. (More on that later).  I put a movie on for the kids and took her to the bedroom. She got upset saying she had too much to do. I told her not to worry about the other things. Right now all she needs to worry about is relaxing. So I told her to just lay there and relax. At first she protested but I told her if she gets up I’ll be forced to tie to the bed. ;) I almost wanted her to get up. She asked me to make her some tea so I obliged. Then we just lay in bed. I ended up falling asleep. Side track: Why is it I can instantly fall asleep in the day time but at night I toss and turn all night?  

So now I’m going to a little back tracking here and go back in time to yesterday. Ever since the truck went back to the shop M2C has had a really bad knot in her shoulder. So she scheduled an appointment for yesterday when I came home from work. After the appointment she was on her way home in my truck when she got pulled over. She calls me up and asks me where the registration is for my truck because she was pulled over for no light over the license plate. I told her it was in the glove box. When she got home I asked her if I could see the ticket as it would be a fix it ticket in my name. She said that they didn’t give her a ticket because she couldn’t find the registration. Great news. But she almost had the truck searched also. This small town won’t pull over someone without having a second car there within 3 minutes. When the second cop gets there they search the vehicle. Last night they had 2 cops there. Luckily no search. Not that there was anything illegal in the truck but dinner was getting cold.  Plus the humiliation of standing on the side of the road having your car searched while people drive by watching.
Other than that it has been pretty dull around here. M2C has been crying a lot about her truck. I keep trying to cheer her up but it doesn’t help. I asked her if she wanted to go on a date when her truck got out of the shop. She said that is what people do before they get married. Not after.  Oh well. I’ll try again when she is in a better mood maybe.

And it all comes crashing down!

Well all the good happy feelings I've had lately about our financial situation is gone. It's gone. A huge bomb was just dropped on us today and I don't know what we are going to do. Words cannot describe how I am feeling now. I want to lash out at anyone. I want to crawl into a little ball and hide. I want to just say fuck it to everything and everyone.
So here's what's happening. I picked up the Exploder from the shop on Mon. night. Dropped down 1200 dollars. I was told to not take the vehicle on any long drives. When I get home let the engine cool, check the coolant level, and check the oil. The mechanic told me to do all this before M2C drove any where on Tue. So I did as I was told. The coolant was low so I added some. The oil level was right where it was supposed to be. It was hard to see as it was fresh oil but I know what I am looking for.
Yesterday M2C calls me up at work and says that it is low on oil. I said I checked it last night it is fine. But go ahead and buy some so we have some on hand. She calls me up a few hours later and asks what kind to get as she is at Autozone. I told her what to get. When I get home she says and I quote " I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I put just a little to much oil in this after noon." I said as log as it was a little bit it will be fine. That is where I made my mistake. I didn't check to see what a little bit was. I guess stupid me.
So today she calls me up at work and says she had to take the truck back to the shop because the check engine light came on. When I get off work go to the shop so we can drop off the Explorer. I think ok not a big deal. When I go to the shop after work M2C is not there yet. The shop owner looks at me and he is shaking his head with a very bad look on his face. He said she put in 2 quarts of oil. Not a "little bit" but 2 whole quarts! He said there are sensors going haywire all over the engine. Here is a partial list of the problems. Some are definite some we have to wait till they tear down the whole top end. AGAIN!
Catalytic converter full of oil exhaust blowing blue smoke.
PCV valve full of oil. Needs replaced.
Whole top end which was just thoroughly cleaned needs to be cleaned AGAIN as it is full of oil.
Possibly blew some where between 1& 3 piston rings. Will find out for sure once top end is torn down.
Has a constant misfire on one of the cylinders.
Other things that will not be known till the teardown is complete.
So now we are down to one car again. If we need to replace the cat again and the rings plus the cost of complete tear down again we will not be able to afford to fix them without charging the Visa again. That is if the engine is even worth fixing which it might not be.
So now M2C is crying a lot. (Well not really at this moment she is at work.) I am extremely pissed off now. I can't get mad at her because then I am an evil ass hole. It's not really her that I am mad at. It's really me. I never should have told her to check the oil. I checked it myself and it was fine. If I didn't tell her then maybe she would not have put the oil in the truck. But on the other hand and this is the big one (well 2 things) I asked her to wait till I got home to put oil in it. And the second even bigger is that she was at Autozone. They will come out and put oil in for you if you ask. They will check the oil to see if you even need it. All you need to do is ask for help. So hear I am stuck at home with non vehicle again for who knows how long. It's been a month since I shot my gun and I really need to shoot something. Preferably that dam Explorer. The worse part is that since we paid it off we lost our gap insurance.
I'm going to go now before I say anything else that I may regret.

Another Recipe

Here is a recipe that I came across online. I must admit that I haven't tried it yet but it sounds so good. I also don't have much to say today.
Here's how to make some interesting Hamburgers. You need to make your own patties not the pre made ones from the store. When you make the patties make them bigger round and thinner than normal. Place mushrooms, bacon bits, and cheddar cheese on the burger leaving space around the edge. Then place another patty on top and pinch the ends. Place them on the BBQ and Enjoy.

Also just to let you all know my wife now has a Blogger ID and is a member to this site. So hopefully she will be posting soon.

I remember

Well as I was taking a shower I remember what one of the things that I wanted to say on Fri. were. I wanted to tell you about something my wife introduced me to a few months ago. Now for a little background (maybe a little too much info but oh well). For years I have had severely dry feet. I would put lotion on my feet every night before bed. Sometimes 2-3 times a day I'd put lotion on. No matter how much I would put on it would do no good. 5 minutes after I put lotion on, my feet would feel like sandpaper.
So fast forward to a few months ago. We are taking a shower and she takes this piece e of pumice rock and starts to scrub my feet with it. It feels great. When we got out she put the lotion on and it made a huge difference. So now we have a special foot scrubber we bought at Wal-Mart (my favorite store). It has a pumice rock on one part, a brush, a fine sand paper like side, and a course sandpaper side. This thing works wonders. I have started to use it on a daily basis and have noticed a huge change in my feet.
Now you may ask 'Why is he telling us this?' Well I'll tell you. Recently I decided if the scrubber does such a good job on my feet how will it do on my hands. So the other day I used it on my hands. Let me tell you something. It made a huge difference in my wifes responses when I touch her. So there is my tip to men out there with rough hands. Get a scrubber and scrub your hands. It will work wonders in your loved ones responses. ;)

It's back!

Well I finally picked up my wifes Exploder from the shop tonight. We had quite a few extra things done to it than just the head gasket. But none of you are interested in that so no details. The best thing is that the shop as usual gave us some good discounts on parts and labor. It's amazing what a few cases of beer can get you. I need to give him another case on payday. I buy him a case of beer after every job and he gives me discounts. He even has done some jobs for free.
It will be nice having 2 vehicles again. We can actually do stuff again. Plus I can drive to work again. Maybe. I've walked to work for a week now and it don't seem to bother me. It only takes 8 minutes to walk to work so I don't need to get up earlier in the mornings. I just need to make lunch the night before. So I might keep up with the walking to work unless it's raining.

I am now seeing the down sides of being a home owner. In the last 3 days I have received 10 letters from various companies asking the same thing. Would you be interested in mortgage insurance? I'm sick of it already. I talked to my mom today to see if I can stop the mailings. She said nope. Nothing you can do. The lender has already sold my info to other companies. Personally I think they should make that illegal. This company is making enough money off of me in interest. They don't need to be selling my info to anyone. I could care less if that is "the way it is". It just burns me. I get enough useless crap in the mail as it is already. I don't need more.

Nothing new to report on my thinking about a new job. In fact I went to a meeting today at work. Hopefully if we have a good winter I will be able to get some good over time. That is if we get enough snow in the sierras. I'm on the list to go plow snow and do chain control. When we do that we work 12 hour shifts 7 days a week. Plus we get paid per diem for being away from home. The last time I did it 2 years ago I was there for 8 days and worked 110 hours of overtime (that was 110 hours in 8 days.) Plus mileage and meals. I made quite a bit. This year they are short handed in the sierras so they may call more people from the bay area and delta to help out. The down side is no internet for the amount of time you are there. Some people have been there for during really bad storms for 5 weeks working 12 hours a day with NO days off. Thats a lot of work but wow the $$$$$$$ signs are very hard to resist. Last year I wasn't called up. My boss said I was on vacation when they requested me. I told him this year that if I'm on vacation it don't matter. I have a cell phone call me. If you can't get ahold of me call my wife she can. I need to go to the snow.

Thats enough. I'm thinking about stuff thats still a few weeks from happening. Till next time.

Well I guess I'm wrong.

Well I guess the general consensus is that I am wrong about how I want my wife to quit. She has read all the responses to the post and says "see I'm giving them notice." So she will be giving them notice. Now we are 'discussing' when her last day will be. I'd like her to leave on the day before Thanksgiving. We are having her sister here, plus that leaves the whole weekend to get set up for Christmas. I really want to get the Christmas decorations good this year. Plus the kids are out of school from the 23 to the 28. I'm off work Thu. to Sun. So we can do something together as a family.
She wants her last day to be the 28th. She will end up working the day after Thanksgiving. Then work on Mon. That's it. No reasons for wanting to work those 2 days. Especially with her sister here. She says she might make a post on it later.
That brings up a question. I've seen Blogs that have team members that post. How do I get my wife on my site as a team member? I know I need to make an account for her but what else do I need to do? Especially as she has shown some interest on posting on my Blog lately as well as on some other Blogs as well.

There have been some other things that I have wanted to post about since Fri. but now that I have the time I don't have the memory. :-( I had all these wonderful thoughts while laying in bed the other night. Now I have no idea what they wee. Except for one. But that one is going to wait. I'm still debating on whether or not to post about my kids in detail.

As an update on us we are doing fine. My wife's truck is still in the shop. We should be getting it back tomorrow. She missed the wedding that she wanted to go to, and I missed a hunting trip with my dad. So we stayed in bed till 10:30 yesterday. Today I mopped the floors. Going to go to bed early tonight I hope.

On a side note as of getting Comcast Cable we now are able to watch HBO on Demand. So now I can watch every episode of Sex Detectives. It was referred months ago by

Lizzie

. I have watched them alone but they have given me some insight. Good program. I'd like to watch it with my wife but that is out of the question. I recommend it to anyone in a committed relationship.

Well my wife was given her start date the other day. Her first day of work will be Dec. 1st. So as we had our 10 minutes of talk time today between me getting home and her leaving for work she said she needs to give the store her 2 weeks notice. WTF?!?!? She don't owe them shit. She was all for it few days ago. Not telling them until they call her for not being there. Unfortunately she has cooled way faster than I have. Here's my take on the situation as told to me by my dad. "Why do you need to give your current employer 2 weeks notice if you already have a new job lined up? If you boss were to fire you would they give you 2 weeks notice before firing you? Or would they fire you on the spot?" I took that piece of wisdom very seriously. Because it is true. If my boss were to fire me they would not warn me. They would fire me on the spot. So we are trying to find common ground here. She says she don't want to get in trouble with the store owner. I said what kind of trouble? You are quitting so he's no longer your boss. Maybe she can just go to work one day and not be dressed for work. Then when she gets there say I quit. Or do like I did at my first job. Just walk out in the middle of a shift by quitting. (We had 4 people quit that night. All within 2 minutes.) But when the big moment comes I will definitely let you all know how she quits.

Wife has been sick for a few days this week. She's better now though.

I came to a new revelation this week. I need a new job. A job where I am the boss. Or at least I have very little contact with a boss figure or other people. So the search for a new job is in the thinking process as of now. I'm really sick of people telling me what to do. Well that's really not it. The problem is that my boss likes to micro-manage. Plus he likes to assign you jobs that he knows will get a reaction from you so that you will say something. Then he says you have an attitude and it needs to change. The big problem is that he's not going anywhere as he didn't pass the superintendent test. So we are stuck with him. I just don't want a job that I need to commute to. As I have said my round trip commute is about .6 miles. I also need to make the same amount I make now. So I need a job that pays 20 an hour. More if I need to commute. I also want to have my weekends off like I do now AND be home every night like I am now.

These requirements are going to limit me to stay at my current job. Some jobs I have thought about are a truck driver as I already have a class A license. But there really isn't any money in it unless you go long haul cross country. I have thought about going to the private sector doing what I do now but they work 10-13 hours a day 6-7 days a week. They also get laid off when the rain starts. A job that I thought about yesterday is a garbage truck driver. Picking up peoples household garbage. They have weekends off, home every night, and make more than I make now. They just have to be around garbage everyday. Then there is my ideal job. Going into business myself doing woodwork. I loved doing that when I was younger. I used to make furniture. I made the bed that my son sleeps on now when I was in highschool. It is a twin bed with 6 drawers on one side and a storage bin on the other side. It also has a 7 foot headboard that is a book shelf. I have also made computer desks, bookshelves, microwave cabinet and towel racks. I just don't have the time to make enough furniture to support my family. Also I don't have any wood working tools anymore since I moved out of my dads house. I might do that as a hobby though when I get my tools.



I have also had something else on my mind lately that has to do with the blogs I comment on. When I leave some comments and look at them later I realize that I am trying to say something and be sarcastic or funny but they can be taken completely different. You can't hear the tone of someone's voice when they type. I have been told that sometimes when I am trying to be funny some people don't take it that way. So if I have offended any of you I'm sorry.

I have some more things on my mind but I'm cooking so maybe I'll write more tonight or in the morning.

She got the job!!!!!!!

Well I am pleased to say that my wife got a phone call yesterday and it was the place she has been interviewing with. They gave her the job. She goes in on Fri. to sign her employment papers, and help get the massage program started up for the gym. We are both so excited about this new job. YAY she can quit the grocery store!

On to other things. It has been a while since I posted so I'll catch you up on the stuff I can remember from last week. First we had a birthday party for our youngest. He is now 5. That was on Tue. Also on Tue. we got our $27,000.00 from the house deposited in our checking account. So I was still sick on Wed. and stayed home from work. We ended up paying off all of our credit cards, my student loan, and my wifes Exploder. Then we went to the auto parts store and ordered parts for the same vehicle. When we got home the cable guy came and hooked up our cable and internet. YAY! I now have digital cable & cable internet. The great thing is the internet is faster than my DSL connection AND it costs less money a month for cable tv and internet than my DSL was. Rest of the week not much happened.

On Sat. morning I went out to replace the radiator and all the hoses in the Exploder when my wife came out and asked if I wanted any help. I said sure so she stayed out and got dirty with me all morning working. It was real fun doing this together. I told her now I'm going to teach you how to change the oil. She said great. After we finished the truck we ate lunch and sat down to use the on demand service from cable. We watched the 1963 version of The Haunting. It was a real good movie. It would have been better if I didn't have to cook dinner halfway through but still a good movie. The ending made no sense to me because I had to leave to cook and missed the middle. Plus it didn't follow the same plot line of The Haunting that was released a few years ago. I liked the effects in that version.

Then there is yesterday. I took the kids Trick or Treating while my wife worked at the grocery store. IT was real fun. The oldest was dressed as 'Death'. He had on black pants, black turtle neck, and a skull mask that bleeds when you squeeze the heart. He had some little 3 year olds crying. He scared the crap out of some adults. He had a guy video tape the blood running down his face. His night was great. The youngest was a ninja turtle.

So there's the up date. I need to give the computer over to my wife so I'll post more later.

The bad week had a great ending!

Just letting everyone know I'm still here. Things are going pretty good right now. I just came out of bed. ;) The kids are still sleeping so It was a WONDERFUL morning. I'm over my flu now. Well I've got an Explorer to put parts on so I'll let everyone in on the rest of the week when I get some time tonight.

Off to a bad week

Well not trying to be negative but this is starting to be a terrible week. I woke up this morning sick. By the time I got off work (late) I couldn't breathe or swallow. My head is so plugged up right now. I'm going to drink some tea, take some Nyquil and go to bed soon. I just have some things to mention before I take the Nyquil.

First is that the weekend wasn't the greatest here. A police officer was hit by a car full of teenagers on Fri. night. The kids were coming home from a football game and passed on a double yellow line, going head on with one of our local officers on his way home from work. One of the kids died at the scene. The other 3 were airlifted to a hospital. The officer was flown to a hospital where he was pronounced brain dead on Sat. night, and he died yesterday. It was his 26th birthday when he died. To make it worse he got married 3 weeks ago and just returned to work.
We only have a force of 23 officers including chief. We just lost one of them. We are in a small town so it hit the town hard.

On to my wife. She had her meeting with the store owner today. He said that he could have pressed charges against me for yelling at hot bitch over the phone the other day. Here's the thing though- I was not yelling. My voice was raised but I was not yelling. The other thing is that I was not even talking to hot bitch. I was talking to my wife. But the owner said they are not pressing charges (if they want to fine I don't give a shit anyways. They won't get anywhere with it. We could go back and sue the store for sexual harassment over the "happy ending" incident.) They are putting her back on the schedule. Her boss told her to come back to work tonight. She goes in at 4:30 and is back home by 4:45. They said they don't need her tonight and she needs to start next week when the new schedule comes out. This place is really making me mad.

Lastly is something that has been going on for some time now. I mentioned it to my wife the other night and she said she noticed it but didn't want to say anything. I seem to be getting bored very easy anymore. Nothing seems to be getting my interest up lately. That is part of the reason "I have not been posting lately. I still check out all the blogs in my favorites but thats it. I used to spend hours online. Now it just bores me. TV bores me. There's no good books to read any more. I can't wait till Jean M. Auel gets her next book published. But who knows when that will be.

Well it's time to get medicated. :)

Un-happy anniversary.

Well exactly one year ago today my wife told me that she wanted to leave me. But since then things are doing better so I'll try to let the past be the past.

As far as the ticking time bomb I posted about in my last post it has stopped ticking. I'm not sure why but it has. I'm pretty confident that we can afford the house payments now. My wife is excited about the upcoming interview also. We believe that she will be getting this job. Here's to hoping.

I really don't have much else to write about so this is going to be it for today. I made up for it on Thu. night though when I made 2 posts in 1 day. So good night. I'm going to cook a late dinner.

In response to a comment from the other day

Wow. I guess I hit a sweet spot or something on the post 'The most beautiful girl in the world'. I got quite a few comments. VH gave me a comment that said "we would love to hear about the great things you and your wife do...your blog doesn't have to be about the fighting. " I would love to post all of the great things we do. But there isn't much that we do that is a "great" thing. At this moment our lives revolve around our boys. We don't do anything really unless it involves our boys. When we do things with them like when we went to Tahoe I posted about it. If we ever get another weekend alone together I will post about that too. I try not to post that all we do is argue. Here is the main reasons that keep me from posting the good things we do. We don't do much together. Here is our typical day:
6:00 am alarm goes off wife gets out of bed and gets in shower (sometimes this happens at 6:20 depending on snooze button.)
6:36 am I get out of bed, get dressed, make my lunch and leave for work by 6:55. I give my wife a hug and kiss before I leave as she is getting dressed.
6:57am I arrive at work.
3:30 pm I get off work and come home.
3:32 pm I walk in the door. As soon as I get home my wife gets back in the shower to get ready for work.
4:20 pm Wife walks out the door for work.
5:00 pm I start cooking dinner.
~6:00 or 6:30 kids and I eat, and do dishes.
7:30 get shower and put kids in bed by 8:00.
8:oo to 9:30 I watch tv and do most of my blogging.
9:45 My wife comes home from work and by 10:00 we are in bed.
That is our life Mon. to Fri. If she is not at work she is doing a massage if we are lucky. (speaking of which it has been over a month since my last massage :-(. ) Sometimes she don't get home from work till 11:00 because she has a massage appointment at her friends house. They trade babysitting for massages sometimes. The reason that we have our schedules this way is so that one of us will be at home with our boys at all times. We don't want someone else to raise them for us. Nothing against people who work and leave their kids with sitters. My parents did that with my sister and I. It is just a choice that we made when we had kids. Even though that may be the cause of most of our financial problems. Although we believe we would be worse off if my wife was working full time and the kids were at a sitter. Most of her checks would then be paying for a sitter instead of household income.
On weekends we usually sleep in till around 9:00. Then we get up and do housework. That is for Sat. On Sun. we sleep till around 8:30 (More truthfully I wake up earlier on a weekend than during the week. I just lay there holding my wife for a few hours. That is my favorite thing about weekends. Those are the mornings when we usually get our "together" time.) Anyways back to Sun. mornings. I get out of bed and start to cook breakfast while my wife is in the shower. We eat then my wife and kids go to church while I stay home and do laundry and the dishes. When they get home around 12:30 we eat lunch if we are hungry after the big late breakfast. Then we sit around the house asking each other what we want to do the rest of the day, till it's to late to do anything then we eat dinner.
So that is how my average week goes. The thing that truly gets to me is that at this moment in life our lives revolve around our kids. I fear that if we keep this up when the kids move out later in life we will have nothing in common. As it is there are days that we really don't say much to each other besides good morning and good night the way our schedules are.
The other thing is that sometimes I feel that ALL we have in common and the only good thing in our lives is the sex. That hurts me in a way. I know Digger and DH might think I'm crazy but I would be willing to give up on the sex we have just to have a better relationship communication wise. I want so badly to have more than just a physical relationship with my wife.
Well this was supposed to be a short and sweet post, but it got to be longer than I planned. So I'm going to go to bed. Good night.

We did it!!!!

Well to start of with I'd like to say that I am now officially a homeowner! My wife and I signed the papers to buy our very first house on Tue. night. We will be receiving our money to pay off all the bills and fix my wife's Explorer by Mon. morning. I'm so happy about being a homeowner. Things didn't start off that well while signing the papers though. The lady we have been dealing with told us that the payments were going to be 1,089.24 a month. That was total payment including taxes and insurance. I thought wow that a lot lower than I expected. Then half way through signing I saw a paper saying that the total payment was going to be 1,309.87. I said hold up here I specifically told you that I can not afford anything over 1,250.00 a month total payment. She says oh I'm sorry I didn't see that. Well isn't that her job to see that stuff? So then I spent the next 30 minutes trying to figure if I can afford to make the higher payment. I can here some of you saying that it's only 59.00 more than you expected. Well that 59.00 is a weeks worth of gas. We are paying 2.75 a gallon for the cheapest station in a 50 mile radius. Most of the stations are more like 2.95 a gallon. Or as high as 3.09 a gallon. Anyways long story short we signed the papers and went out to dinner to celebrate.

Things were not all good though on Tue. Before we left to go to my parents house my wifes work called her up. They said why aren't you at work. She said I'm off tonight. They said no you are on the schedule. So I started in the back ground saying she's not coming in to work we are signing papers tonight. My wife started changing clothes to go to work. I started getting really upset. I told her tell the store go screw themselves buying the house is more important. My wife said without the job there is no house. I said yes there is. I made sure that I could buy the house without you when you were talking about leaving me. I made sure that I could afford the payments on my salary alone so there is a house without that F'ing store. I can't remember what else was said. But she ended up not going to work. That store is getting on my last nerves right now. They changed her dam schedule AFTER it was posted WITHOUT consulting her. So that job can go get fucked.

When we got home from the paper signing there was a message on my machine from a students dad wanting to talk to me about my son and his son in school. He is also my leadworkers son-in-law. And that led to some big problems. But this site is NOT about my kids. I'm just telling you this to give insight on my mood the last 3 days.

Then yesterday she gets a call from my Leadworkers wife (from now on to be called the queen bitch) saying don't bother coming to work the rest of the week. The store's owners son wants to meet with you on Mon. morning. Apparently it was queen bitches daughter (now referred to as hot bitch) on the phone calling my wife to come to work. So hot bitch told queen bitch that
I was yelling at her on the phone. I was not yelling at all. I was not even referring to hot bitch. I was referring to the store in general. So now that we signed the papers on Tue. my wife might be losing her job next Mon. I'm over here worrying if we can make the payments now. When I figured making the payments without my wifes income I was also figuring on not buying food for 4 people to as this was planning for if she left me.

So she told me all of this when I came home from work yesterday. She was asking me how are we going to make it if she loses her job. And then started saying things I couldn't understand through the crying. I told her that you are always telling me that God has a plan for us all. We don't know what his plans are until it is time for us to know. So maybe this is in God's plans and you were meant to lose your job now. Just give it time things will work out. We have money in the savings account (for the first time since we got married) and it is enough to get us by for a few months until the massage business picks up more. In the mean time you can study for the National Exam to get licensed throughout the US. We have enough in savings to pay for the test too so don't worry.
Now here's the hard part- convincing myself. I'm trying to be the strong one here but I'm just as scared as she is. I also feel like a hypocrite for preaching to her but it seemed to help for a while. Then she really started crying saying she misses her mom and wants her back. The good part about that (I feel bad for saying good part here) is that she came to me to have me hold her and comfort her. I"t makes it a lot easier to have her cry when I know it's not because of me and she wants me to hold her. (Did I mention in an earlier post that my wife's mom died 2 years ago?) And that was yesterday. We went out to dinner again. Wow 3 times in a week that's a record for us.

So now I feel like I am a time bomb waiting to explode. With all the bad things and good things and stress. I really need to find a release. Duck season opens on Sat. and that usually is my release but this year I'm just not looking forward to duck hunting. Oh my dad told me yesterday that he is selling all of his duck hunting stuff at his garage sale this weekend and that hurts me too. He said he's not sure if he will hunt much this year or next year because of all the stuff he has planned before he retires in March. God I want a cigarette. And I found 5 of them in my garage a few days ago. They are sitting on my bench calling me but I'm trying to ignore them. I did talk to someone last night and that did help to talk to someone on the outside. I'd like to say Than You for being there for me!