Monday, April 30, 2007

A letter to Dr. Phil

Please before you read this post read this post first. Then read this one. After that you may then proceed to read the current post. Follow the rules people!

I'm really getting desperate here. After going to my parents and talking with them for a little bit while dropping off my guns, my dad jokingly said that maybe you should try writing to Dr. Phil. Well how desperate am I? Desperate enough to do just that. I wrote a letter to him. I didn't add all the details that my blog readers know, but I did get the important parts. At least most of them. I didn't want to write a novel to the guy. Anyways I'm not expecting an answer directly from Dr. Phil himself. But one of his many hired hands would be greatly appreciated. I was even desperate enough to click the box saying that I'd be willing to appear on the show.

Coming to a TV screen near you: CH and Summer Rose live on Dr. Phil!

My wife Summer Rose and I are the parents of 2 boys. CH Jr. 12 and C 6. We have always had problems with C in the anger department. About 18 months ago we took him to see a therapist with Kaiser (my insurance carrier through work). This was back in November I believe. Then in Jan. he recommended us to go see a child psychiatrist that worked in the office. Our first meeting with her was in March. At that appointment the Dr. said that she believed that he had autism. She set us up with the regional center, sent a referral to the Autism center in San Jose, and gave him a prescription of Abilify. 2.5mg

We continued to see her once a month until June. By that time she increased the dosage of his abilify. 5mg Then our case was transferred to the Roseville autism center as they were a new facility and had no caseload and it would be faster to get through. We got our appointment with them in June of 2006. At that time the tester tested Corey for about 1 hour. We were then told that the results would be ready in about an hour. We came back an hour later and were told that he did not have autism and that he had ADHD. She told us to stop taking the Abilify and give him stratera instead. Then sent us on our way saying they could not help us since he did not have autism.

A month after we had him on the stratera his temper and tantrums were worse than they ever were. We tried to get in to see his Dr. but she had retired unexpectedly on a medical retirement. So we had to go to a new Dr. We got in to see her in late July I believe. She felt that in her opinion that the original diagnosis of autism was correct and that he did not have ADHD. She told us to discontinue the stratera and go back to the abilify. Within a week we saw an improvement.

It wasn't to stay that way though. When he started kindergarten he was expelled the first week of school. He was be abusive to the staff and other students. Hitting them and spitting on them. So he was transferred to another school within the district that had a special day class. We also went back to the Dr. and she upped the dosage of abilify to 7.5mg. Things didn't change much. He was still out of control. Hitting but now he was hitting my wife and I. By the time Christmas came the Dr. had him on7.5mg abilify in the evening and 100mg wellbutrin in the morning,

This is now May and his medication is now 7.5mg abilify and 200mg wellbutrin (I'm a 33 year old male and take the same dosage). His tantrums are getting worse and worse. All the Dr. at Kaiser want to do is give him more medications. They don't want to try to find out why he is like this.

He almost got kicked out of the special day class 2 weeks ago. They were going to send him to a special school 25 miles away.

His tantrums get worse and worse. He will be playing fine and be a really sweet little kid. Then at the drop of a hat he will start hitting, kicking, spitting, and being really mean. For know reason at all. Just this weekend he was playing baseball with Jr. in the front yard. Summer and I were watching them. Suddenly for no reason at all he started hitting Jr. with a baseball bat. Last week he broke his bedroom door off the hinges. 2 months ago he punched a hole in the wall of his room and went into his brothers room. You can see his brothers room from his room.

The real kicker though is that today his teacher called and said that C told her that he wanted to buy a gun to shoot his mom and bury her.

We are at our wits end now. We don't know what to do. The school said that they are going to have to call the police and have a report filed. Then CPS will be contacted. This is all in order to see if the school can get him some mental health care. The special ed director said that worse case scenario he might be taken out of the house for a period of time and taken to a boys home so he can get round the clock help.

We don't know what to do. We love our son and don't want him taken away but at the same time we don't want to live like this forever. We want a happy family. There is more to the story but I wanted to give the basics as much as possible to keep from getting too long. If there is any advice we are open to anything right now.

Thank you,
Confused Husband

And the plot thickens

This is a continuation of the post below so go read it first. Pretty please?

so After I published the post I finally got ahold of Summer. I had told her what the teacher said and that I was staying home. When she got home as expected she was upset. She instantly got on the phone with someone with the school district. For the life of me I can't think of her position. Anyways Summer called her and I called Kaiser to talk to his psychiatrist. She wasn't in today as it's her day off. So I left a message for her to call us ASAP and that we want an appointment this week. NOT in a month.

Summer's conversation was a little hard to take. She was told that the school district would be willing to help with mental health services, BUT (that's a big but get it?) the school would have to report the incident to the police and have a report written up. Which they would have to do anyways. Then she said CPS would be called and have to come out to the house. Then they would see if they could get us help through the school district. BUT she's not sure if we can get help due to our income and the fact that we have medical insurance already. She also said that there is an option that they could take him to a live in psychiatry place or boys home like the 8 year old I spoke of previously.

After we both were off the phone she started crying and just sat in my lap. All she could say was what did we do wrong? How can we be that bad as parents? I kept saying that we're doing everything we can. It's not our fault it's just the way he is. It was kind of hard to say it like I meant it though. I don't believe it myself.

You want to know what the terrible thing is that makes me a real shitty parent? I actually would prefer that he goes to a live in place for awhile. Es[ecially if it will help him out. Because it is obvious that we aren't making things better. It would be hard to see him gone for the time that it would take. But if it would help out and find the problem and not just mask it with drugs like Kaiser does then it would be well worth it. I hate to see the way Summer feels right now. It tears me up inside. It's even worse when it is your own son that is doing it.

I'll be back with more in awhile.

I'm at a loss

I don't know what to do anymore. Summer don't know what to do either. Things are just getting worse and worse. We both feel so hopeless and like we have no control. This post has been a long time coming actually. I have just been putting it off thinking that this will just go away. Things will cure themselves. Right? They have to. I mean how can they have gotten this bad to begin with? We both want to wish this was just a dream. But we also know that the fact of the matter is this: This our reality. It is not a dream. Or rather this is not the worst nightmare imaginable. It is our lives. And nothing we do ever seems to make it better.

What's that? Is something wrong between Summer and I? Oh no. We are doing much better. The problem is our youngest son. Things are just getting out of control here. And as I just found out today they are getting worse at a rate in which the Enterprise would not be able to catch it in maximum warp drive. (Sorry. TNG is on right now.)

I just don't know where to begin. His temper tantrums are getting much worse. And they happen for no apparent reason at all. For instance he will be playing baseball in the front yard with his brother. They will be playing fine. Then for no reason at all he will just start wailing on Jr. with the bat. He can be sweet and loving like he was the other night when we were watching the stars. Then at the drop of a hat he can turn into devil boy. He has broken his bedroom door off the hinges. Kicked a hole in the wall in the living room. You can stand in his bedroom and see through the wall into his brothers bedroom. I can be playing with him and then for no reason at all he'll get this evil look in his eyes and he will start shouting that he hates me. Or he hates Summer. Or whoever. He'll go int6o a blind rage that has no apparent trigger to us. Then as fast as it started it stops and he is all lovey dovey again.

It happens at school too. He will be listening nicely then all of a sudden go into tantrums at school. Or on the bus. But not last week. His bus driver told me on Fri. that she was really proud of him. He was great the entire week. Same from his teacher. She said that he was really good the entire week.

His therapist says that he is a perfectly normal 6 year old. Bull SHIT! His Psychiatrist says that he has autism and has him on 2 different medications. He takes the same dose of Wellbutrin as I do in the morning. Then he takes 7.5mg of Abilify in the evenings. He started off at 2.5mg then went up to 5mg then the 5mg along with 1 wellbutrin to where he is now. All the doctors seem to do is up the dosage for his medications. They don't do anything else.

Today though. Today was the real kicker. I got a call from his teacher this afternoon. She said that she had to tell me what he had said to her while he was in school today. He told her that he wanted to get a gun to shoot his mom and then bury her. Now I ask you- Is this the behavior of a normal 6 year old? Do all six year olds say they want to shoot and bury their moms? If so I'll back off. But I guarantee that it is NOT normal.

He is already so strong that Summer can't do much to restrain him. He has hit her and left some pretty bad bruises. He can hit me and leave a decent size mark. Just last month he scratched my arm by digging in his nails. It ended up leaving a scar on my right arm.

So now here I am. Staying home from work tonight to do God knows what. Talk to Summer and see what our next step is. Then I'll go to my parents and leave my guns over there. Paranoid? HELL YES I AM! Then we'll call Kaiser and tell them that we need to do something now. Not in a month when they can "fit us in". We need to get inside his head and find out what the hell is going on in there.

When I went to talk to my boss today he told me about his neighbors grandson. This kid is 8 years old and in the exact same class as our youngest. For the same basic reasons. His grandma adopted him. He has a temper like our son. Changes at the drop of a hat the same too. Last week he beat up his grandmother. Again. This week he is now living in a boys home in St. Helena. This 8 year old beat up a Jr. High kid a few moths ago. Seriously. And guess what. According to my boss he is scared of my kid. So what does that tell ya? I know what it tells me. It tells me that somewhere along the line we fucked up big time in parenting him. My boss says that I shouldn't say that. It's just the way he was born. Some people are just born with chemical imbalances or something like that.

I don't know. all I know is that I can't keep going on like this.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

So as I had promised yesterday here are some photos that I took with my new camera. I love it! It's the best camera that I've ever owned. It's a Panasonic Lumix DMC FZ7. It is SOOO cool! At least to me. It's nothing like the camera that my parents just bought but I don't have 800 to spend on a camera and another 600 in lenses. But mine has a better zoom. Take that mom and dad. :-)~ (Just kidding)

But before I get into the describing of pictures I'm gonna take a little time to say how great it is to have little kids sometimes. I just spent about an hour and a half laying on the front lawn with youngest. He asked if we could sit outside and look at the stars. Sure we can! Then he says oh wait. I need a towel to lay on. I said I'll just get a picnic blanket. We set it up and he lays down. Instantly gets up and says he needs a pillow. Gets it lays down for about 30 seconds and jumps up again. I'll be right back I need a blanket. He comes back with the comforter from his bed and asks me to cover him up. And here I am roasting. It was 90 degrees here today. I had to turn on the AC at dinner time to keep from getting over heated any more than I already was.

Little side bar. The entire time the rest of you have been writing and complaining about how cold it is or how much snow you get have been killing me all winter long. I love that weather! So now I'm gonna start complaining about the weather. It's to dam hot! I hate the heat. Anything over 60 is just too dam warm for me. so if any if you want this "nice" upper 80 degree just hitting 90 temps please come and take it! You can have it. End side note.

So after he got all comfy we just laid there and watched the stars and the moon. A little later oldest came out and joined us. Then around 9:30 they decided it was bed time and asked if they could go to bed.

Times like that make me really miss where I grew up. It was in the mountains. I didn't know what a street light was till I was almost 10. So when the stars came out they really came out. Tonight we could see maybe a handful of stars because of all the lights.

So without further boorish writings here are my pics for the day.

This first one is a bridge that the state is putting a new control house on. So I had to work there for my OT today to shut down the road so we could open the bridge for a tug and barge. easy money right there. As long as you can deal with pissed off drivers that cuss you out because they cant get across the bridge until they wait 10-15 minutes. Big deal. You knew the set backs of delta life before you moved here or traveled here.
Just another shot of the bridge this time looking straight down the middle. I was going for a certain effect for this when it is blown up. It should be set so that when it is bigger, no matter what angle you look at it from left or right it should appear that you are looking right down the middle.

This one and the next are just sunset pictures taken from the bridge house of another bridge that I deliver supplies to.

And this is the staircase/ladder that you have to climb to get to the bridge house. It's scary enough for me to walk that carrying nothing. But once a week I have to carry 2 3 gallon water jugs up those stairs

This is one of the towers of the bridge. The cement block at the top is called a counter weight. It weighs exactly the same weight as the bridge deck. With the help of the counter weights we only use 1 electric motor per tower. Each motor is less than 15 horse power. The few pics coming next are taking from almost the top of the tower. I was on the bridge house when the bridge was lifted. that brought me 90 feet in the air. There is still another 35 feet to the very top if I need to change a navigation light.

Here we have a sunset picture of the same windmills in the previous photo. Just from a higher viewpoint.

this here is looking towards the bridge that will be taking me almost 200 feet in the air. The town you see in this picture is the town Summer and I live in. We can see the towers of that bridge from our front and back yard.

Lastly we have one of the 2 ferries that I deliver supplies to. Both ferries run 24/7. The operators of the boats work 12 on 12 off. That's hours not days. They have a pretty cool schedule though. They are on what's called a 28 day schedule. So every 28 days they get 7 days off with using no vacation. How cool is that? The down side is that they work a different shift every time they come in from a weekend. The worst part is for me when I have to try and figure out who can cover a shift when someone calls in sick or goes on a vacation. I'll have to explain it later though. I'm pooped!

Friday, April 27, 2007

It's gonna be...

.....a really good weekend. I can feel it already. Even though for me it is half over already. Work went really good last night. Got home and crashed hard. Man was I tired.

Today I woke and it was a beautiful day. It was warm and the sun was shining. After the kids went on their way to school Summer and I went to another follow up appointment from her breast surgery. The Dr. says things are looking good. There is still a little bit of swelling in the left breast but it should go down by the time we have the next appointment. If not he says we may have to go back in and remove some more tissue. Let's hope not. Shall we? After the appointment we went to do some shopping and picked up my parents dog. We're dog sitting this weekend! :D

Then we coupled. It was a beautiful coupling too I might add. I took a shower when we were done and Summer took a nap. I wore her out. ;-) When I got out she asked me to lay down with her some more. So we both took a nap. When she woke up she climbed on top of me and we coupled. Again! The good thing is we finished in time for Summer to shower before the kids got home from school.

To top it off when youngest got home his bus driver said that he has been great all week and that she was very proud of him. His teacher said he was good too. how cool is that?

Even better news I'm working OT tomorrow. 7 hours and I'm only going to be at work for about 2.5 hours.

Some time this weekend I'm going to go ahead and post some new pictures from my new toy. They are very important to me too. I conquered a fear at work yesterday and went 90 feet in the air on a draw bridge and took some photos. So until then!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

i miss you
i miss feeling your skin close to mine
that fist touch of our lips as we kiss
the feeling of our tongues slowly exploring one another
the way you shiver when i touch a nipple through your bra
or breathe warm breath onto your erect nipples
the feeling of you playing with me as i start to harden in your hands
and seeing the smile on you face
how it makes you so happy that you can make me hard with the slightest touch

i miss the smell of you as i start to undress you
and pull off your panties
as i lay my head on your thigh and take a deep breathe of your womanhood
the way you wiggle around as i slowly run my finger up and down you opening
very light to the touch

i miss the feeling of your wetness
as i ad just a little bit of pressure
you pull me into your warmth

i miss the sounds of pleasure escaping your lips
as i work my finger in and out of you
the way you start to squeeze me with your growing excitement

i miss it when you can't stand the wait any longer
you tell that you must have me inside of you
you need me inside of you
the gasp you let out as i slowly enter
the smile on your face as i am fully inside
the look of passion

i miss feeling you pushing to meet me at each stroke
the sounds that we make together
the sight of you
the scent of you
the love in your eyes

i miss having you tell me that you want me to fill you
to let it go
to let it happen together

i miss the way that we lay together
just holding each other
happy and content
lightly playing with each other
still feeling the orgasms through our bodies

i miss falling asleep with you on my chest
waking up with you still there
playing with your hair
realizing that this right where we both belong
in each others arms

i miss being with you baby and i know that it isnt easy going through the changes
but if we have learned anything in the last few years it is that we can overcome anything and come out stronger for it


Sunday, April 22, 2007

Well as I had previously predicted I have overcome my gift giving curse. Summer was very pleased with all of her gifts that she received for her birthday last night. She wasn't even faking her joy and excitement either. You can't fake the kind of excitement she had last night. So it was a good night. We had my mom and grandma over for dinner. Dad was sick so he stayed home. After everyone left and the kids were in bed, as predicted, she did not throw me down and have her way with me. But what she did do was to tall me that she wanted to feel me inside of her. So she did initiate last night. It's so nice to be the initiatee and not the initiator. And boy did she initiate last night. ;-) Babe you deserve a standing ovation for the things you did last night. Your new found technique is just...........making me drool on the bosses keyboard that's what. I still get all tingly just thinking about it.

You all are going to have to wait for Summer to tell you what she got for her birthday. Besides having a full dose of me. :D

In other news my cousin that has been living in Costa Rica for 2 years due to his job is moving back to Cali this summer. He will be coming to Sac next weekend for meetings all week. When he gets here we are going to meet up and he is bringing me a box of hand rolled cigars from a cigar maker that defected to CR from Cuba. so with that also comes a dilemma. I know nothing about cigars. Have not smoked a cigar since I was a teenager and tried smoking swisher sweets. So if any of you pout there know anything about cigars like how they are to be stored and how long they keep please drop me a line and let me know how to care for these. I really want to take good care of them and not have them wasted due to improper storage.

So with that I bid you all a pleasant Mon.

Friday, April 20, 2007

A "happier" post

As per my amazingly sexy wife's request I am going to put up a "happier" post. Apparently my writings have been sad and/or boorish lately. Thanks a lot babe.

So let's see here......happier posts........what could I possibly write about that is happier?






Well I guess I could write about a few of those different subjects.

Since I'm the owner of this here piece of real estate I'm gonna start off by showing pics from my home improvement project for the day. Unfortunately I've only got before pics right now. I'm just too dam tired to take the after pics. But I know that you are all very patient people and don't mind waiting another day don't you.

Pretty bad don't you think? The old sink was just moving around all over the place. The faucet leaked from the top and bottom. The drain under the sink leaked in a few different places. You can see in the last picture just how bad it has been leaking over the years and the damage done to the counter top. That counter top is still in place but only temporarily. We'll be looking at counter tops next Fri. It's just going to be the cheapest one we can find. We were hoping that this one would last for the next 3 years but I'm having my doubts. Why wait that long? We're planning on remodeling the entire kitchen in that period of time. Gonna tear down a wall and build another wall. But that's getting ahead of ourselves here.

The project went well today. Not to many set backs this time. Outside of the fact that I screwed up while cutting the counter top for the new sink. I forgot about the new sink having the corners cut off instead of being squared like I cut the hole. Oops! :D That my friends is why we are looking for a new counter top next weekend. Unless y pops can find a way to fix it tomorrow when he comes over for Summer's Bday cake and gifts.

Mentioning that I can't wait till tomorrow! She is going to be so happy with her gifts. She's gonna want to throw me on the bed and have her way with me as soon as my parents and grandma leave. Yeah right. Who the hell am I kidding here? No one but myself is the correct answer.

Is this happy enough yet dear?

Then there is work. I had the opportunity to get off at 10 the other night and still get paid till midnight. Then work a day shift on Thu. to go to a safety meeting. That was B-O-R-I-N-G! But it gave us a chance to put Thu. night to good use if you know what I mean.

You don't know what I mean?

We had S-E-X! Really good sex at that too. I took my time lightly running my finger up and down her entire body. There wasn't a thing she could do about it either. I was laying on her left arm and had her right wrist held tightly in my left hand. She really liked that. A few years ago? She wouldn't even let the thought of that happening enter the equation at all. So she is really opening up. A little at a time but it is better than being stagnant right?

And lastly I'll go ahead and talk about $$$$.

We got another check in the mail this week from the mortgage company this time. It was because we had a left over amount in the impound account. That same day I found out that when we refinanced the house we did not have to pay the April 1 payment. Which I already did. So now we don't have a payment due until the first of June. Then to top it all off I got my OT check the next day from all the OT I worked last month. 38 hours. It was almost 3/4 of a regular pay check. This is awesome! I can't believe the luck we have been having lately in the money department.

Now before anyone starts to think we are wasting our money, we aren't. I have paid 1,000 on the Visa in the last 8 days. I'll pay another 500 on the first of the month. I paid off one of our credit cards completely. We got Jr. new glasses and are going to get his fillings he needs. Just read the posts lately to see what we're doing with the house. The money came from the house so some of it is going back into the house. then there is Summer's Bday gifts. I got a drive shaft for my truck. Finally! I have been driving around on 5 inch lifted 2 wheel drive sitting on 35" tires for 4 years now. I have 4 wheel drive again! I got a new pump for the pool we got last summer since we burnt the original one up. Also got a chlorine generator this year so we won't have the problem of green water when we return from a vacation this year. So it's not going to waste. Believe me. One last thing on the money front- I have not spent one penny on hunting stuff! It's killing me too. I have been so tempted to get an add on membership to my dads club so we can hunt together this year. Some may think it's a waste. I think it's a major investment in family. I want to try to have a better relationship with my dad and this is something we both enjoy doing together.

That's all for tonight. I'm beat. I do have a topic in mind for my next post but it isn't a "happy" post so Summer won't like it.

Thursday, April 19, 2007


I really need this answered for me. Because I'm having a hard time understanding.

What the fuck if wrong with people these days? Seriously!

As if what happened on Mon. at Virginia Tech wasn't bad enough. I'm pretty sure you all know about what happened. I don't watch the news or read the paper and I know what happened. As if that wasn't bad enough there is some drug crazed douche bag in my area has made several threats in the last day or two that he will make what happened on Mon. look like a cake walk. He's going to do the same thing but on a much bigger scale.

So now all the schools in Sacramento, Yollo, and Yuba counties are going to be on lock down tomorrow. And guess what? Our youngest son goes to his special day classes in Sacramento county. Lovely. So now what are we supposed to do? Send him to school tomorrow or keep him home? If we keep him home we will be letting this douche bag run our lives and we will live in fear. If we send him to school and something happens then what?

Then again what if my aunt had a pair of balls? What if? What if? What if? The world is full of what if's.

Monday, April 16, 2007

An interview with The INSTALLINATOR!

Last week I volunteered over at Restoring the covenant to have RS interview me. I thought it would be a good idea to let people know some things about me that maybe I haven't touched on very much. So here is how it went:

The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better.If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! Then you update your blog with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them five questions.

1. What are the issues you have with organized religion? This one I have a hard time explaining. When I was little my parents lived with my grandma for about 2 years. During that time My grandma made my sister and I go to church with here every Sun. Whether we wanted to or not. It was part of the "rules" of living there. At the time it didn't matter to me. I wanted to make grandma happy so I went. When I was5 my goal in life was to become an alter boy when I got old enough. My grandma is Catholic as I think I previously mentioned in some older post. She is the type of person that don't miss church for any reason at all. She brings communion to the people in town that are not able to go to church for whatever reason. In the past 33 years of my life I can only think of 2 times she has missed church and both of them were in the past month. Once when she was in the hospital and the other time 2 weeks ago she was sick or something and didn't make it then either.

I know this is supposed to be about me not my grandma but bear with me.

So then my parents moved out of her house and we were no longer required to go to church. We lived out of her house for 6 years. Then my mom got accepted in UC Berkeley in 1986. So back to grandmas we move. By this time I'm almost 13. My dad said that it would be up to my sister and I if we wanted to attend church or not. we would no longer have to go if we didn't want to. So we didn't go. I just didn't have the desire to go.

So fast forward a few more years and I'm about 19. It is 1993. I'm heavy into drinking and drugs. I had gotten my GF pregnant and she had a "miscarriage". I was having a real hard time in my life. A friend of mine asked me to go to church with him on a Wed. night. I accepted his invitation and went with him. It was the first time that I attended a non Catholic church. It was also the first time I attended a church in the middle of the week and there really weren't many people there. He took me into his bible study group with his counselor (I can't remember exactly what he was so counselor is what I will call him). I liked it so I went back the following week. I ended up going every Wed. night for quite some time. It is there that I founded my views on religion. The counselor told me that God did not care where we (people) worship. He just cares that you accept Him in your life.

So that is pretty much where my religious beliefs lie at the present.

Now to the exact question. My "issue" with organized religion is that every religion says that they are right and all others are wrong. My Christian friend says my grandma is wrong because she is Catholic and don't worship the "proper" way. Therefore she won't go to heaven. My other friend a Witness says that the Witness's are the only ones going to heaven and everyone else is wrong because they celebrate birthdays and such. SR's pastor says that Catholics are wrong because they believe in purgatory and that praying for the dead will get them into heaven. My grandma says that Christians are wrong because they worship wrong.

Are you getting what me issues are yet? My issue is the belief that you must go to church every Sun. in order to be a true believer. Or that one religion is right and the rest are wrong. I don't think so. I believe that a person should go to where ever he feels closest to God. To some that may be a church. To others it could be the forest. Or the mountains. I feel closer in a natural environment not in a church built by people. I believe that as long as you believe that is what matters. Not what religion you choose.

Make sense?

2. What would your dream vacation entail? My dream vacation would be going on a cruise somewhere. Anywhere actually! Who am I kidding? My dream vacation would be to go to Canada in Sept. for about 2 weeks. Maybe 3. I'd spend the first week hunting early season ducks and geese with a guide. The second week would be on a back pack hunting trip for multiple species. Moose, bear, and caribou. It would actually be 10 days. 2 to walk in to the hunting location 6 to hunt and 2 to walk out. The last portion would be fishing for trout in lakes that the only way to access them is horseback or hiking. I would love to do a trip like that with my dad before he gets too old to do something like that.

Of course the trip he is taking in June is a close second. He's driving to Alaska for 6 weeks to go fishing. He is going to start fishing in Canada and fish a different lake every day for 4-5 weeks.

I know these trips don't include the kids. I want to do a trip like that as well. The hope is to go on a Disney cruise in the Caribbean in the next few years. Before youngest turns 12. that way we can have a mix of alone time for Summer and I mixed with plenty of family time for the 4 of us.

3. What is your favorite thing about being a parent? The best part of being a parent. Let's see here. The ability to take the things I love the most and instill them into my boys. Like hunting, and fishing, or anything outdoors. The way that anything that I like they instantly like as well. For instance one of my favorite movies- Airplane! My oldest son just about has that movie memorized. It really annoys Summer because she hates that movie. Or any movie of it's type. I love to work on my Toyota and get it ready to become a rock crawling beast. Both of my boys get excited about the prospect of taking my truck out when it is finally ready. They both love the same music that I do. Which is nice when oldest buys music from Itunes he gets songs I like too. :D

It's also fun to do "guy" things when Summer isn't around. Like belching and farting. And cracking up over it. Fun times.

4. Is there one biggest lesson you can share with us that you learned from your struggles with Summer a couple years ago? This is going to be a tough one. I learned so much going through that period in our lives. It's also hard because I have a hard time "searching deep down inside" to find my thoughts. If that makes any sense.

I would have to say that one of the bigger things that I learned is that I really need to think before I open my mouth. I had to install a filter between my thoughts and my mouth. That filter is still in the tuning mode but it has helped immensely. I learned that the things I say can hurt very deeply and for an extremely long period of time. I used to believe that if something was bothering me and I was mad about it I could go ahead and spew out all that anger and when I was done spewing everything would be hunky dory. It was better to let it all out than to hold it all in. To a point I still believe that. But there is a proper way to do it and a wrong way. I chose the wrong way. It still tries to rear it's ugly head from time to time. I just know what to look for now. I really need to be quick to catch it and put it under control.

I feel like I'm rambling and not making any sense here.

I guess what I really learned through most of this and not until recently (I knew it but thought I could change it) was that Summer has a completely different temperament than me. She isn't able to just let the things I say roll off her back and take it as venting. She would take it very personally. So I really need to be careful about what I say and how I say it so she understands what I'm upset about.

5. When did you get into hunting? Was that something you've done since you were little? I've been into hunting since I was about7 when we moved out of my grandmas house for the first time. We moved to Northern California about an hour outside of Redding. We lived off the land back then. We grew all of our own fruit and vegetables, raised our own chickens, and bought a cow and pig every year to have butchered. My dad got back into deer hunting when we moved up there. We went every year. Every weekend. He would wake me up very early in the mornings and we'd drive out into the woods and park. Then when the sun would just start to come up we'd get out of the truck and start walking. I was always amazed at the time at how my dad could walk into the woods for hours at a time and still be able to find the truck at lunch time. We hunted deer for the entire time we lived up there. Never got one but we went our every year. Then when we moved back to Grandmas I got my hunting license a couple years later. That was when my uncle took me out duck hunting for the first time. That was in 1988. That has been my true love ever since. There is just something about being in a duck blind before the sub comes up and witnessing the world come alive before your eyes. That my friends is where I feel the most spiritual. Witnessing creation in it's pure form.

Ever since that time I have changed my love for the outdoors. It used to be all about fishing and deer hunting. Now I'm really only into the deer hunting as a way to spend time with my dad. I still have never shot a deer. Although I missed one when I was 17. Now it's all about the ducks. I still like to fish but not like I used too.

So you could say that it was something that I have been into ever since I was little. Just like my oldest son. He went on his first deer hunting trip the day after he turned 6. Went on his first duck hunt a month later. Now he goes out with me every chance he gets. It's something that is in the blood.

I hope this all made sense. If not please ask and I will be more than happy to elaborate on anything you'd like. I'm an open book.


Saturday, April 14, 2007

They call me

..... The Installinator! (thats to be said in an Arnold Swartzenager voice with booming echo)All tremble before the mighty powers of The Installinator!

I have discovered new powers on this journey of mine. I have now discovered that I can in fact take an old toilet out of a bathroom and put a new one in it's place. I just won't tell you that I started this project at 10:30 in the morning and didn't finish until **Cough**4:30 **Cough**in the afternoon. It wasn't all my fault though. Honestly. After I got the old toilet out I decided to check and see if there was any dry rot in the flooring due to the leakiness of the old toilet and fittings. I wasn't sure about the condition so my dad came over and took a look at it. H said that the floor was fine so there was no need to replace it. But he said that I might as well replace the valve that comes out of the wall and the pipe too since it was old and ugly (the pipe. The valve leaked). Not a problem. He left and I went outsides to turn off the water to the house. Come inside grab some channel locks and turn the pipe. SNAP! Problem.

I busted the elbow inside the wall. Or rather the copper pipe that goes to the elbow then to the outside. So I drive to my dads house so I could calm down and find what to do next. I know nothing about plumbing. He says we need to cut a whole in the wall to access the copper pipe and solder a new elbow on it. He says the reason that the pipe broke was that when the house was built they didn't nail the elbow to a 2x4 like they are supposed to.

We go to Ace and grab our stuff and get home to cut a hole in the wall. It's 6x17 if you really wanted to know. And yes it is still there. After the hole was cut we found something out. When dad and I remodeled the master bath 4 years ago we took out the 2x4 bracing for the elbow. We (he) soldered the new fitting on the pipe and he left. I was once again on my own to replace the toilet.

And what do ya know. I did it. I installed a new toilet in the front bathroom. It's shiny and sparkly and oh so pretty. Except for the chip in the porcelain on the lid to the tank. Grrrrrrrr.

That my friends is why they call me The Installinator!

Stay tuned next week when The Installinator! installs a new kitchen sink and faucet. I may even put up a picture or two of that job when it's done. I'm really getting into this home repair stuff. If only it didn't leave me too tired for sex. that's right friends. I'm tired. And I thought only women used that line. What the hell is wrong with me?

Friday, April 13, 2007

It's here!

I've done it. I have survived 2 years of this place we call the blogosphere. I have documented a bigger part of my life here on My journey of self discovery. The good, the bad, the ugly and almost everything else in between. I've talked about my beginnings as a mentally abusive ass hole, and the process of regaining control over my life. I have discussed the diagnosis of depression and the effects it has had on me. Then there is the medication that I take to help with the depression.

Through it all I have met a lot of people out here. Some of them I have come to become good friends with. Others have just dropped out to never be heard from again. I have learned a lot in the past few years. The biggest being that I'm not alone in the way that I feel. Summer and I are not alone in our marital problems. We are not alone in overcoming our problems and traveling the road to a happier marriage.

To all of you out there that have read the ramblings of my life for the last two years I want to say THANK YOU! For whatever reason it is that you have stuck around here I'm glad you have. It has meant a lot to Summer and I both.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Is that a tumbleweed?


That is the state I am in right now.

I have packed my bags apparently and relocated out of California. The place that has been home to me and my family for the last 33 years.

I am now living in Boredom.


There really is no geografical location for Boredom. It's just there. Or here rather. Where ever "here" is.

I'm at work and it is my Fri. All of my stuff has been done for over an hour. I have just spent the last 30 minutes doing "busy" work. That's what McDonalds used to have me tell people to do when I was a manager there. "Busy" work is work that you do when there is nothing else to do but you need to look busy. So that is what I have done. I have even done most of my job for Sun. when I come in. I can't do anymore or else I will have all of Sundays work completed. Can't even go home early. I have to stay here till midnight on the dot. That is when the next shift of bridge tenders and ferry boat opperators come on. I need to be here to make sure that they all have reported to their perspective places of work. Or be here if one of them calls in sick. Then I have the fun job of waking someone up at O'dark-thirty and ask them if they want to come in to work and cover a shift. Fun stuff. I had to do that last night. Luckily the first person I called accepted and I didn't have to wake anyone else at 11:50 PM.

My cock is much bigger than yours.
My cock can walk right through the door.
With a feeling so pure.
It's got you screaming back for more.
I love, love, LOVE my Ipod! It's the best gift ever. Thank you baby. Kiss kiss. I listen to it all the time at work. I got myself some cheapy speekers for it at Wallyworld (Walmart). Now I don't have to have those damed uncomfortable earphones inside my ear. I need more songs on it though. 143 just isn't enough. I haven't even come close to using the potential for memory that this thing has.
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
Don't lie to me
Just get your things
I've made up youyr mind.
Shhhh. If you promise to not tell I'll let you allin on a little secret.
Do you promise not to tell?
Pinky swear it then!
Summer's birthday is on Mon. I can't wait for it to get here. I'll actually be at work that night though. So in reality I can't wait for thr day to arive that we celebrate her birthday. I'm going to go for it this time. I'm going to get her some gifts. Or rather I have already got her some gifts. I swear upon all that I hold dear to me I WILL break the cycle this time around. I will(!) give her gifts that she will melt over. M-E-L-T melt. If that is spelled wrong it don't really matter. There's no one else in Boredom to correct me so :-P. She will not be upset over the gifts that I give her. This curse has been going on for too long now. 2 Valentines in a row. Christmas this past year. It's been awful. No more though. I say enough of that. I have found the cure.
If your feeling like a pimp
Go ahead brush your shoulders off
Ladies is pimps too
Go ahead brush your shoulders off
This is crazy baby don't forget that boy told ya
You gotta git that dirt off your shoulder
I remember what they tought to me
Remember condescending talk of who I otta be
Remember listening to that and then to this again
So I pretend to be a person that was fittin in
And now you think this person really is me
and I'm
Tryin to bend the truth
But the more the more I pull away
Cause I'm
Lieing my way from YOU!
Hey I've managed to kill 45 minutes here.
Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody has got a body like me baby
But I gotta think twice
Before I give this heart away
Cause I know all the games you play
Because I play them too baby
Well I'm sure if there really is much else to randomize about here in Boredom. except this: Summer has the best dam husband ever. Know why? Do you even care why? Didn't think you cared but I'm gonna tell you anyways cause I OWN this state! The other day before Summer and I went out on our date I sent flowers and a card to her at her work. I told her that I couldn't wait to be alone together on our night out. Then just this morning after I went to see my therapist I drove by her work and dropped off a card for her just saying that I loved her. Gave it to a receptionist and said to deliver it to Summer when she gets a chance. Pretty dam cool. You know what else? I did it withoutexpecting to get sex in return. In fact I know I'm not going to have sex tonight. Or tomorrow for that matter. Dam family members visiting.
Honey why you callin me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why you cryin?
Is everything ok?
I gotts whisper cause I can't be to loud.
Well my girls in
the next room
sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear you voice
Sayin my name it sounds so sweet
comin from the lips of an angel
hearin those words it makes me weak
ly it down
never wanna say good-bye
but girl you make it hard to be faithful
with the lips of an angel.
As hard as it is to say good-bye it really is time. I'm off work!

I don't know why I do this but it seems that every time I go to see my therapist I have something specific in mind that I want to talk about. But when I get there I end up talking about something else. The meeting goes in a complete different direction than what I have in mind before I walk in there.

Today I wanted to talk about why is it that I get so bent out of shape and mad at certain things and that at others I just blow them over like they were nothing. Instead we talk about my new position and how it is affecting the family. And the things that I could do to help make the transition better for Summer and our youngest.

Although those are important things they just weren't what I had in mind.

Oh well. time for work. Till later.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Almost there!!

Looking at my blog the other day I realized that I am very close to my second Blogiversary. On April 13, 2007 I will have enjoyed 2 years of blogging. Where does the time go? Beats the hell outta me I tell you that much. Anyways I'll be off of work that day so I'll have to think of something to do to celebrate the occaision. Any ideas? I'm thinking something like this here. I did it last year. I had some readers give me questions and I answered them as honestly as possible.

Anyhoo I just wanted to throw that out there. Just for what ever reason.

Actually I'm doing this because I want presents! Cash will be fine thank you very much.

Monday, April 09, 2007

What a weekend!

I tell you what.


Anyway we did just what I set out to do. Get some things that have been a long time coming. Everyone in the family got shoes. Summer got a bunch of clothes. I got a new monitor for the computer. What a difference an extra 3 inches makes. I'm sure some of my readers already know how much of a difference that 3 inches can make. ;-) It wasn't all fun and games though. Not by a long shot. We got our oldest son new glasses. I bought some things to do projects around the house. Like a new toilet, and wood to make a new gate and repair a section of fencing. This coming weekend I'm going to get a new counter top for the kitchen and a new sink and faucet. So now I have a crap load of stuff to keep me occupied for quite some time.

In other news I have felt the return of some very familiar yet unwanted feelings. I am having a very hard time sorting them out. If they even can be sorted out. I don't know. I just know that I am very, very irritable lately. I'm sleeping most of the day away. Going through varying emotions. One second I'm happy then for no rhyme or reason I'm pissed and snapping at everything. Then I go to just having a knot in my throat to being so tired that I can't function. And these are only the ones that I can put a finger on. There are more that I can't even come close to describing.

Now keep in mind these feelings aren't coming in a specific order like I described above. They come at random. They leave at random. No warnings at all. It truly is annoying.

I'd like to write some more but I seem to have pissed the day away and now I need to prepare for work.

Thursday, April 05, 2007


It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
A beautiful in the neighbor hood.
could you be my
would you be my
won't you be my neighbor

Yes my friends it is a beautiful day in the neighborhood today. The day didn't start off with the looks of being this beautiful, but by golly it sure is turning out that way now. I actually thought it was going to be a crappy day to start off with. The kids woke me up screaming and fighting this morning right after Summer went to work. It was just down hill from there. Then I checked my mail when it got here. Well let me just say I'm tickled pink now. I have this warm and fuzzie feeling inside my gut right now. I'm so far above cloud 9 I don't know what cloud I'm on. I do know I don't wanna come back down from this cloud. This cloud.*

So what can possibly make me this happy? Sex? Nope. Summer's been at work.drugs? Nope. I stopped that a long time ago. Alcohol? Nope. I have to go in to work tonight. Money? DING DING DING DING! We have a winner. Tell them what they've won Johnny. You can't tell I'm in a good mood yet can you?

A week ago we refied the house to get a lower, fixed interest rate. We were not taking money out of the equity. It was just a rate change refi. So what do I see in the mail today? A nice size refund check from the title company. Apparently there was money left over when the original loan was paid off so they sent us a check.

How great is that?! We just got an unexpected check! My thoughts are racing with things to do with the money. Get a plasma TV, get a recliner, get an entertainment center, take the family out to dinner tomorrow night, get new shoes for the entire family (any suggestions Therese?). The top of the list though for me is to get the 4 wheel drive working in my Toyota. I have been waiting to get my drive shaft for 4 years now. Do you know how much it kills me to drive on the pavement with 35" Super Swampers?

Any ways the list goes on and on about what to do. We'll have to see what Summer says when she gets home from work and finds out. She don't know yet. I left a message with the receptionist to have her call me but nothing yet. That was over an hour ago!

*Bonus points to the first person to name the song and band in which this verse is a part of.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

As predicted

Well my friends as predicted we had a wonderful time last night. Dropped the kids off at mom and dads and headed on out. Went to dinner at a real nice Italian restaurant.Got right in to sit down too. No waiting. That was great. I hate waiting. I didn't even worry about how much we spent on dinner last night. That don't happen very much at all. But when it has been almost a year since our last alone time together I didn't care what we spent. As long as we were alone.

I also had my first martini in awhile as well last night. Actually had two. MMM-mmmm good. Had a new one that was great. It was a white chocolate martini. The other was an apple. I can't go out and have a martini without having my favorite now can I?

One last thing about dinner last night. The martini's came with cherries in them. They even had stems. Well the talented person that I am I decided to take the stems and tie them in a knot. With my tongue. Yes ladies. I am that talented. Sorry though. I'm taken. ;-) Well Summer didn't see what I was doing. Then see finally sees me manipulating my mouth and asks what I'm doing. I proceeded to take a knotted cherry stem out of my mouth. She got a smile on her face. That's when the smart ass in me kicked in. I said "well that's why you married me isn't it? Because I'm so good with my tongue?" She almost choked on her drink. We both had a hard time controlling our laughter and keeping it quiet enough so as not to bother the other people around us. IT was great.

As predicted after dinner we went to the mall to take a look at Victoria's Secret. It was the first time I had ever been in one of their stores. Was a bit awkward feeling at first. Being a guy in a lingerie store. But that wore off as soon as we started looking at the bras. She went and tried some on and that's when I realized I wasn't alone. By the time she got out there were 3 other guys standing outside the dressing room. Someone said to bad we didn't have a deck of cards. We could start a game of poker.

Unfortunately the bras didn't fit right. Yet. There is still a little swelling that needs to be reduced. So just a little bit longer and she'll be in a sexy new VS bra. Oh I can't wait. Just more to look forward to.

Then we went to the movie. Saw Wild Hogs. Really good movie. A lot of funny moments in it. This was the first movie for Summer I to go see in the theatre since we saw Episode 3 Revenge of the Sith.

The movie was fun. Expensive, but fun. $4.00 for a bottle of water. That's robbery I tell ya.

After the movie got out it was after midnight and was after 1 by the time we got home. So there was no coupling when we got home. We were both beat. But we did put the alone time to good use on Sun. when we woke up. There was no holding back for fear of the kids hearing. :D

So it was a great night. We really need to do this more often. But next time it's gonna be old school. We're sneaking in soda and snacks so we don't have to sell our limbs.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

A night for thought

Well it has been an interesting night at work tonight. But before I can explain it I need to do a quick back story.

The town we live in has a real bad stretch of highway running into and out of town. It is so bad that there have been6 fatalities in the last week of March on this road. 46 if you want to count the 40 sheep. 5 of the accidents were from passing in a double yellow zone, in a hilly section. Head-ons. I'm sure my Sacramento readers have seen it on the news. All the accidents on Highway 12.

Well the most recent accident was on Sat. morning around 6:00AM. A guy was passing at the base of a railroad bridge. He was .17 BAC. The limit in Ca. is .08. The BAC was taken 3 hours AFTER the accident. It took that long to cut the driver out of the car. He survived. He also had cocaine in his system and 1.5 pounds of crank (meth) in his back seat. Cops found 2 more pounds of crank at his residence. Along with several thousand dollars. He was doing approximately 95 when he went head on with another guy. Killed him.

Well tonight I found out that the guy that died was the next door neighbor to a guy that I work with. The guy was the same age as me. Had a wife and 5 kids ages 3-12. He was on his way to work to work some overtime to pay for a trip with his family. The sad thing is that the guy from work was telling me is this. Having 5 kids a wife and a mortgage life insurance was the last thing o his priorities list due to finances. So his wife is now dealing with the loss of her husband but also the threat of losing her house as he was the sole provider of the family.

I commented to the coworker that I'm in the same situation. Life insurance is not at the top of my list of things to spend money on. So he proceeded to lecture me for a good 15 minutes about all the reasons that I need life insurance.

So after I'm done talking with him I'm driving down the levee roads to my next destination and I start to have an anxiety attack. First one since I have been taking my meds. (Which I have been very poor about taking lately since my schedule change.) I was thinking about the fact that this guy was the same age as me. 33 years old and now he's dead. Just like that. No warnings or anything. then I started thinking about what would happen to Summer if I were to die tomorrow. Happy thoughts right? Then it hit me. My chest got tight and I had a hard time breathing. My vision blurred a little bit. I was listening to
this song on the radio by Green Day. The faster the song got the tighter my chest got. It was really weird. It lasted for a few minutes. Then went away.

So here's my question to no one in particular- How do you choose a life insurance company? How do you determine what type to get? Life or term? What does that mean? How do you determine how much is necessary? Am I over reacting? Tell me! I need to know! It's 1 AM. I should be in bed right now!