End

I want this to just go away. It needs to end. All of it. The crying, the sleepless nights, the worrying, the headaches, all of it. But it just never seems to go away. There is no end in sight. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Just as things looked like they were starting to look up for us someone thought that we obviously didn't deserve the happiness that we had found over the past weekend. Instead we get crushed back down. It's just here and never ending. There is no upside anymore. I was able to do something to make Summer happier than she has been in years on Sat. The hapiness was lasting pretty good into the week too. Now it's all in the past. Gone. The only thing that has ended is our happiness. And our sanity. There's nothing I can do about it either. I want SO badly to just give up. Get away from this mes of a life. But that will solve nothing. Just make things worse. I haven't had a cigarette in almost 2 years. A month ago the smell of smoke would make me turn my nose. Now I'm seeking out people that smoke just to get the second hand smoke. A nice Marlboro sounds SSsooooooooo good right now. That and enough alchohol to send me into a comma. I know that these things will do absolutely nothing to help the situation. But they would help to relieve some of the stress. Being drunk would enable me to feel nothing. That would be very welome right now. To not feel anything.

A sinking feeling

The last 24 hours have been VERY eventful to say the least. I took youngest to see his therapist again yesterday morning. He looked through all of our IEP paperwork (SR keeps every IEP form we get in a binder with page protectors) and he noticed something neither one of us ever did. Back in Sept. when we had an IEP for him the first week of school we had talked about sending him to a non public school. The Spe. Ed diecrtor for the district even called the school during the meeting. Yet there was no documentation saying that we even discussed the school. So now legally the conversation never took place. Great. There is more tom say about that but my mind is racing right now.

Last night while I was at work Youngest asked if he could go play with the neighbor girl (his best friend). So Summer said sure. Next thing she knows the police dept. calls up and says that they have him in there custody and he tried to break into the hardware store ion town! They are going to bring him home. She calls me and I get off work and come home. By the time I get here they have dropped him off and have left. SR's friend from church and a teacher at the school is here. We talk about everything that has happened with him lately and all the crap that we have gone through with the school.

Cut to today. I wake up early and call the Schools Superintendants office. Leave a message for them to call me back. Then I call the Spec e director and leave a message for her to call me back. Then call Kaiser and get transfered to the crisis center at Kaiser. They get all the info from me and say they are going to talk to the head of child psychiatry tyhere and get back to me within an hour. They PROMISE!

After all the phone calls I write an email to the spec ed person and CC it to the superintendant. asst. superintendant and the Protection and Advocasy Inc. (PAI) in Sacramento. which by the way Summer called them last night and they put us on the top of there list and are having an atorney call us on Mon. moprning. YAY!

Any ways that was 2 hours ago. Still no calls from the school dist. even though I gave them my cel and home number. I did receive an email from PAI saying that they received it and for us to call and they will set us up with someone. That was already done though.

So let's go back in time to Kaiser. They called me back in 20 minutes. Amazing! I wasn't expecting that. They said to have him in tyhe office at 1:30 this afternoon. They are also checking an a residential program for him and will have more info on that when we get there this afternoon. I never even mentioned that to the crisis person. They are finally seeing that as a necessity just like we are. I mean it's to the point where we can't even go to the bathroom when we are alone with him.

So Summer is getting off work early today and is going to meet us for the appointment. (My typing is zattrocious today!!)

Anyways now I'm just overwheled with so much right now. I mean we are finally going to get some real help. Hopefully. Kaiswer is seeing that we need to have him in a place where they can better evaluate him. That is making me so happy. But at the same time I'm scared. I'm sad. I feel empty inside. I want to scream. I just want to feel numb to the world. I just don't know what to do. Or how I should be feeling right now.

I know there is no set way to feel. I also know that this is a good thing for him and for the family as a whole. This is the right thing to do. But why does it have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt so much? Why did it even have to get to this pooint in the first place? This is NOT WHAT WE WNATED AT ALL FOR OUR CHILDREN!!!!!!

I am just so full of conflicting emotions right now. But anger and pure rage is the most prevalent. I just don't know who I'm rtaging and angry with.

I have so much more I want to say but I just can not sort pout my feelings. It is also time ofor us to leave. Youngest and I are going to meet Summer for lunch before the appointment. this may be the last time for awhile. That saddens me the most.

Does it make you a bad parent if you are actually willing and wanting for your child to be placed in some sort of in patient program?

I can't speak for Summer but I am getting closer and closer to seeing if Kaiser has a place that does that. I hate the idea of even thinking about it. But at the same time I just don't know how much more we can take. He was kicked out of his after school program this week. They said he cannot return until next year. The school reduced his hours from full day to half day. They are no longer trying to integrate him into the regular kindergarten class. He stays one on one with his helper the entire time he is at school. If the school determines that he is having a bad day and don't want to listen or becomes violent in any way they send him home. As usual but they are sending him home at the onset now. They used to wait to see if they could calm him down.

The problems with youngest son are just running down and causing problems in other areas as well. Summer and I are snapping at each other quite a bit anymore any time the subject of him comes up. She is just so upset about this whole thing. I am too but she is taking this much harder.which don't make it easy on me. Especially when she shows me bruises that he gives her or when I come in to see her crying because of the problems. I just don't know what to do. There has to be some place out that can help us so that we can live a normal life with our kids. Right now that just isn't possible.

We used to get a small break on the weekends when he would go play with the neighborhood kids. But now most of the kids won't play with him. Or their parents won't let them play with him. That just makes his tantrums and outbursts get worse. He wants to play with kids but the kids won't play with him. So he throws fits and destroys things in the house.

At least if he goes to an inpatient place that would hopefully serve 2 purposes. It will hopefully give the Dr.s enough time to do better evaluations on him and come up with better solutions. It would also give Summer and I the much needed rest we need. We just need to get away from our son.

And saying that makes me feel like a shitty parent. I mean what kind of parents wants to ship their kid off just so they can get time away from them? I'm not talking send them to the sitters for the evening or to the grandparents for the weekend. I'm talking an extended period of time. How long? Who knows. We have had 2 places say up to 90 days. But they are also the same places that say they can't help out because of Kaiser.

Maybe that's the solution! I'll quit my job and go on Welfare. Then I can get all the help we need free of charge! Then the county can't say that they can no longer get involved. They would be able to say "Oh you don't have insurance? We have just the help you need! Come on in." Instead we are getting "Well we'd really like to help you out, BUT you are a contributing member to society. You work 40+ hours a week and you have insurance. You don't sit at home and have babies just to get money from the state. So we can't help you."

It's pretty bad when a person that is doing everything right in this world like working, paying taxes, contributing to society can't get shit. But a crack whore mom can get knocked up every few years, live off the system, get free housing, free food, and a check that I help pay for can get all the free medical help she wants.

What kind of fucked up world is this?

A letter to Dr. Phil

Please before you read this post read this post first. Then read this one. After that you may then proceed to read the current post. Follow the rules people!

I'm really getting desperate here. After going to my parents and talking with them for a little bit while dropping off my guns, my dad jokingly said that maybe you should try writing to Dr. Phil. Well how desperate am I? Desperate enough to do just that. I wrote a letter to him. I didn't add all the details that my blog readers know, but I did get the important parts. At least most of them. I didn't want to write a novel to the guy. Anyways I'm not expecting an answer directly from Dr. Phil himself. But one of his many hired hands would be greatly appreciated. I was even desperate enough to click the box saying that I'd be willing to appear on the show.

Coming to a TV screen near you: CH and Summer Rose live on Dr. Phil!

My wife Summer Rose and I are the parents of 2 boys. CH Jr. 12 and C 6. We have always had problems with C in the anger department. About 18 months ago we took him to see a therapist with Kaiser (my insurance carrier through work). This was back in November I believe. Then in Jan. he recommended us to go see a child psychiatrist that worked in the office. Our first meeting with her was in March. At that appointment the Dr. said that she believed that he had autism. She set us up with the regional center, sent a referral to the Autism center in San Jose, and gave him a prescription of Abilify. 2.5mg

We continued to see her once a month until June. By that time she increased the dosage of his abilify. 5mg Then our case was transferred to the Roseville autism center as they were a new facility and had no caseload and it would be faster to get through. We got our appointment with them in June of 2006. At that time the tester tested Corey for about 1 hour. We were then told that the results would be ready in about an hour. We came back an hour later and were told that he did not have autism and that he had ADHD. She told us to stop taking the Abilify and give him stratera instead. Then sent us on our way saying they could not help us since he did not have autism.

A month after we had him on the stratera his temper and tantrums were worse than they ever were. We tried to get in to see his Dr. but she had retired unexpectedly on a medical retirement. So we had to go to a new Dr. We got in to see her in late July I believe. She felt that in her opinion that the original diagnosis of autism was correct and that he did not have ADHD. She told us to discontinue the stratera and go back to the abilify. Within a week we saw an improvement.

It wasn't to stay that way though. When he started kindergarten he was expelled the first week of school. He was be abusive to the staff and other students. Hitting them and spitting on them. So he was transferred to another school within the district that had a special day class. We also went back to the Dr. and she upped the dosage of abilify to 7.5mg. Things didn't change much. He was still out of control. Hitting but now he was hitting my wife and I. By the time Christmas came the Dr. had him on7.5mg abilify in the evening and 100mg wellbutrin in the morning,

This is now May and his medication is now 7.5mg abilify and 200mg wellbutrin (I'm a 33 year old male and take the same dosage). His tantrums are getting worse and worse. All the Dr. at Kaiser want to do is give him more medications. They don't want to try to find out why he is like this.

He almost got kicked out of the special day class 2 weeks ago. They were going to send him to a special school 25 miles away.

His tantrums get worse and worse. He will be playing fine and be a really sweet little kid. Then at the drop of a hat he will start hitting, kicking, spitting, and being really mean. For know reason at all. Just this weekend he was playing baseball with Jr. in the front yard. Summer and I were watching them. Suddenly for no reason at all he started hitting Jr. with a baseball bat. Last week he broke his bedroom door off the hinges. 2 months ago he punched a hole in the wall of his room and went into his brothers room. You can see his brothers room from his room.

The real kicker though is that today his teacher called and said that C told her that he wanted to buy a gun to shoot his mom and bury her.

We are at our wits end now. We don't know what to do. The school said that they are going to have to call the police and have a report filed. Then CPS will be contacted. This is all in order to see if the school can get him some mental health care. The special ed director said that worse case scenario he might be taken out of the house for a period of time and taken to a boys home so he can get round the clock help.

We don't know what to do. We love our son and don't want him taken away but at the same time we don't want to live like this forever. We want a happy family. There is more to the story but I wanted to give the basics as much as possible to keep from getting too long. If there is any advice we are open to anything right now.

Thank you,
Confused Husband

And the plot thickens

This is a continuation of the post below so go read it first. Pretty please?

so After I published the post I finally got ahold of Summer. I had told her what the teacher said and that I was staying home. When she got home as expected she was upset. She instantly got on the phone with someone with the school district. For the life of me I can't think of her position. Anyways Summer called her and I called Kaiser to talk to his psychiatrist. She wasn't in today as it's her day off. So I left a message for her to call us ASAP and that we want an appointment this week. NOT in a month.

Summer's conversation was a little hard to take. She was told that the school district would be willing to help with mental health services, BUT (that's a big but get it?) the school would have to report the incident to the police and have a report written up. Which they would have to do anyways. Then she said CPS would be called and have to come out to the house. Then they would see if they could get us help through the school district. BUT she's not sure if we can get help due to our income and the fact that we have medical insurance already. She also said that there is an option that they could take him to a live in psychiatry place or boys home like the 8 year old I spoke of previously.

After we both were off the phone she started crying and just sat in my lap. All she could say was what did we do wrong? How can we be that bad as parents? I kept saying that we're doing everything we can. It's not our fault it's just the way he is. It was kind of hard to say it like I meant it though. I don't believe it myself.

You want to know what the terrible thing is that makes me a real shitty parent? I actually would prefer that he goes to a live in place for awhile. Es[ecially if it will help him out. Because it is obvious that we aren't making things better. It would be hard to see him gone for the time that it would take. But if it would help out and find the problem and not just mask it with drugs like Kaiser does then it would be well worth it. I hate to see the way Summer feels right now. It tears me up inside. It's even worse when it is your own son that is doing it.

I'll be back with more in awhile.

I'm at a loss

I don't know what to do anymore. Summer don't know what to do either. Things are just getting worse and worse. We both feel so hopeless and like we have no control. This post has been a long time coming actually. I have just been putting it off thinking that this will just go away. Things will cure themselves. Right? They have to. I mean how can they have gotten this bad to begin with? We both want to wish this was just a dream. But we also know that the fact of the matter is this: This our reality. It is not a dream. Or rather this is not the worst nightmare imaginable. It is our lives. And nothing we do ever seems to make it better.

What's that? Is something wrong between Summer and I? Oh no. We are doing much better. The problem is our youngest son. Things are just getting out of control here. And as I just found out today they are getting worse at a rate in which the Enterprise would not be able to catch it in maximum warp drive. (Sorry. TNG is on right now.)

I just don't know where to begin. His temper tantrums are getting much worse. And they happen for no apparent reason at all. For instance he will be playing baseball in the front yard with his brother. They will be playing fine. Then for no reason at all he will just start wailing on Jr. with the bat. He can be sweet and loving like he was the other night when we were watching the stars. Then at the drop of a hat he can turn into devil boy. He has broken his bedroom door off the hinges. Kicked a hole in the wall in the living room. You can stand in his bedroom and see through the wall into his brothers bedroom. I can be playing with him and then for no reason at all he'll get this evil look in his eyes and he will start shouting that he hates me. Or he hates Summer. Or whoever. He'll go int6o a blind rage that has no apparent trigger to us. Then as fast as it started it stops and he is all lovey dovey again.

It happens at school too. He will be listening nicely then all of a sudden go into tantrums at school. Or on the bus. But not last week. His bus driver told me on Fri. that she was really proud of him. He was great the entire week. Same from his teacher. She said that he was really good the entire week.

His therapist says that he is a perfectly normal 6 year old. Bull SHIT! His Psychiatrist says that he has autism and has him on 2 different medications. He takes the same dose of Wellbutrin as I do in the morning. Then he takes 7.5mg of Abilify in the evenings. He started off at 2.5mg then went up to 5mg then the 5mg along with 1 wellbutrin to where he is now. All the doctors seem to do is up the dosage for his medications. They don't do anything else.

Today though. Today was the real kicker. I got a call from his teacher this afternoon. She said that she had to tell me what he had said to her while he was in school today. He told her that he wanted to get a gun to shoot his mom and then bury her. Now I ask you- Is this the behavior of a normal 6 year old? Do all six year olds say they want to shoot and bury their moms? If so I'll back off. But I guarantee that it is NOT normal.

He is already so strong that Summer can't do much to restrain him. He has hit her and left some pretty bad bruises. He can hit me and leave a decent size mark. Just last month he scratched my arm by digging in his nails. It ended up leaving a scar on my right arm.

So now here I am. Staying home from work tonight to do God knows what. Talk to Summer and see what our next step is. Then I'll go to my parents and leave my guns over there. Paranoid? HELL YES I AM! Then we'll call Kaiser and tell them that we need to do something now. Not in a month when they can "fit us in". We need to get inside his head and find out what the hell is going on in there.

When I went to talk to my boss today he told me about his neighbors grandson. This kid is 8 years old and in the exact same class as our youngest. For the same basic reasons. His grandma adopted him. He has a temper like our son. Changes at the drop of a hat the same too. Last week he beat up his grandmother. Again. This week he is now living in a boys home in St. Helena. This 8 year old beat up a Jr. High kid a few moths ago. Seriously. And guess what. According to my boss he is scared of my kid. So what does that tell ya? I know what it tells me. It tells me that somewhere along the line we fucked up big time in parenting him. My boss says that I shouldn't say that. It's just the way he was born. Some people are just born with chemical imbalances or something like that.

I don't know. all I know is that I can't keep going on like this.