Monday, May 30, 2005

An e-mail from anonymous

I came home from work late on Thur. night and my wife was upset about something. She didn't really tell me what was wrong with her at first. She wanted to talk to me about how my day at work went. I worked a double shift that day. When we went to bed that night she told me what was wrong. She received an e mail from someone that was using an anonymous address. The message said that the person was upset about how she was acting when a certain customer would come into the store and that she should not act like that in a small town. They also told her that they new she had opened a bank account in her name. They said that if she didn't tell me about the account that they would because they have both our e mail addresses, work addresses and phone numbers. This struck me as really odd to say the least. It really upset her a lot. She was crying about the e mail and how it screwed up her day. She told me that she did open a bank account in town. It did not surprise me as we talked about her opening a account for her to use specifically for her business. It is a way of protecting ourselves and keeping business money separate from household money for tax reasons. As of today she has not received another e mail from this person.
What pisses me off about this is that we don't know who this person is and what their motive is. How does this person have all of our contact information? It just don't make sense.
So this Memorial day weekend my wife's sister is here for a week. We went to the lake for the day yesterday. It was pretty fun. The kids went swimming and we had a good BBQ dinner. We got home late and watched a John Wayne movie before bed. We haven't done much today except lay around the house watching TV and doing laundry. My wife does appear to be happy that her sister is here for a week but she just won't talk to me. My sister-in-law did read this blog when she got here Fri. night and said this is not the sister that she grew up with.

Monday, May 23, 2005

The weekend of the 21st

Well on Sat. the 21st I got my cell phone bill in my e-mail. Guess who my wife is still calling on a regular basis. Mr. D. It seems that she can't stop calling him. She's even sending text messages to him still. As I wrote previously I erased his number off of her phone on Wed. morning. It didn't do any good though because she still sent him a text on Fri. morning I found out. Just what I needed to find out on the day we were supposed to go on another date. I got called into work that morning so we couldn't talk about it during the day. When I got home I tried to talk to her about it but she didn't say to much. All she could say was that she had stopped calling him. But it still hurt me to know that she was keeping up some form of communication with him. We ended up going on our date that night and went to see Star Wars. On the way to theatre I tried to talk to her about pleasant things because I didn't want to argue on our date. She didn't talk the whole 4o minute drive. We ended up watching the movie ( Of all the movies this was my favorite. Including the original 3. It moved much faster.). On the way home I tried to talk to her about other things but was getting no where so I brought up Mr. D again. Every question I asked she would say I don't know why. She didn't know why she calls him still or why she sends him texts, or how she got the number to send the text after it was taken off her phone. By the time got back to the house I was really upset and she was crying. I was on the verge of crying myself but I have a hard time crying unless I'm intoxicated. After I took the babysitter home my wife was almost asleep but I wasn't going to just drop the conversation again. Every time we do that things go fine for awhile but then the subject comes again whether I want it to or not and it just gets worse because it never gets resolved. So I sat in bed with the light on and read a magazine. She finally turned over and wanted to know why I wasn't sleeping because we had to get up early in the morning to go to a Birthday party for my cousins son. I told her I wanted to continue the talk we were having in the car. I went on telling her how I felt and how much out hurt me when she called him. I also wanted to know why she kept lieing to me about how she would not call him anymore. I really wanted to know why I had to keep up my end of the bargain about not suing him for slander but she could break her end by calling him still. That finally got a reaction out of her. She wanted to know why it was so important for me to seek revenge on him. I told her that I wanted to make him hurt as much as I was hurting. I don't want to hurt him physically so all there is left is financially because if he is hurt financially that will hurt him mentally which is where I'm hurting. She said that 2 wrongs don't make a right. So I countered with If you would stop all forms of contact with him I wouldn't want to make the wrong but you seem to want to keep making the wrong of calling him so I want my chance to make a wrong. I was then told that nothing makes me happy anymore. I'm always in a bad mood. She then said that I know how to screw up a nice evening together. So that got us going again on a huge tangent and we ended up in the living room. I don't remember all that was said but we were up till 1:30 in the morning. I remember telling that she does make me happy and I tell her every time that she makes me happy. But she is right I'm not happy about a lot of things. I'm not happy about her keeping contact with Mr. D, about her wanting to screw Mr. D, about her telling everyone in town about our home life (I know I'm telling the whole WWW but you don't know me and the town does. Plus I'm using this as my venting process like she's using the people that we know.), about her refusing to see a counselor and a few other things. I then told her the things that are making me happy - I like the way she tells me that she loves me like she's been doing lately, the way that she holds me, or how she has been talking to me a little more lately, it makes me happy to send her E cards on the internet, or to buy her flowers. It was an emotional talk and we ended up going to bed and held each other for awhile before we went to sleep. The thing is I don't think we ever really solved anything with the Mr. D issue that night. But we did get some things off of our chests so to speak. We woke up on Sun. morning late but she actually told me that she loved me before I said anything to her. After the party that day we didn't really talk that much because we were so tired from the night before.

So that is where we are now. I hope that this will stop the calls to him. She swears to me that she won't call him or text him anymore I just don't know how to believe her right now. It's hard to do after all the hurting that we have done to each other. She might be right in saying that we need some time apart but I just can't imagine living without her. I don't want to lose her or the kids. To quote a portion of an e-mail message my wife sent me today 'I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't have that much faith in me.' It was not a letter to me but a forwarded e-mail.

that's all for now.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Am I whipped?

Well this last week has been pretty uneventful again. My wife got sick last week around Thu. I told her to call in sick on Fri. but she would not do it. When she came home that night she could barely talk. Every time she tried to talk she would go into a huge coughing fit. I asked her if they realized at work how sick she was and she said they didn't care. She was the only closing bagger and she couldn't go home. I was pissed off at her boss. I can't wait till she can quit that job. So I took her to the Dr. on Sat. morning and they said she had a viral infection in her lungs that was ready to turn into Bronchitis. She was told to spend the next 3 days in bed. So she slept for the rest of the weekend and into Mon. Then I found out this morning that she called Mr. D again last night for 10 minutes. I told her that she had 2 options now. 1-I erase Mr. D's number off of her phone or 2- I pack her bags and she moves out of the house when she gets off of work. I erased his number before I went to work this morning. When I got home from work I tried to talk to her again but it was unsuccessful. She started to kiss me and hug me and I gave in. Why do I always give in to her when she hugs me or kisses me? It's like I'm whipped but not in the sense that she bosses me around and I do it because of her assets. But that she can use her assets to get me to drop a subject she don't want to talk about. I just like to hold her in my arms. So that is where we are at now. I'm just waiting for her to get off work so we can attempt to talk again.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I don't know why.........

But I just can't seem to get mad at my wife anymore. When I was waiting for her to come home from work I was so pissed and had a lot of things I wanted to say to her. But when she walked through the door the anger went away. It wasn't her that I was mad at it was Mr. D. We talked for a little bit about why he called and ate a late dinner. We didn't really resolve anything but I did feel better. Why am I being such a pushover?! Yesterday we didn't really see much of each other. She went to work 5 minutes after I got home and came home just in time to put the kids to bed. We didn't talk at all last night.

There isn't really much else to talk about. I told her today that if she wants to continue living in the house she had to stop calling him period. One more phone call to him and she'll be leaving whether she wants to or not. I hate to do that to her and be a control freak to her. But I can't keep going on with the calls to him. Every time I think he will be left out of the equation he comes back in.

I want to go into marriage counseling but I'm not sure how to pick one. I want to go to a Dr. that specializes in marriage problems but my insurance won't cover that kind of psychiatrist. They only cover psychiatrist's that work with their hospital. So I'm thinking that maybe we should see someone from her church. But she won't see someone from her church and won't tell me why. I'm afraid if I do go to someone from her church that it will definitely be over. I guess in a way I have it coming after all that I have done to her in our marriage. What comes around goes around I guess.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Mother's Day weekend

So Mother's Day weekend has come and gone. We didn't really do much of anything. Sat. we slept in till about 8:30 then got up and started the housework. My wife and I planned on watching a movie together that night. We watched about half of it before our youngest son woke up and we ended up going to bed. I wasn't really into watching the movie anyways. I liked the movie but my wife sat at the desk while I sat on the couch. Not my idea of how a couple should watch a movie. Before we got to bed she asked me if I would go to church with her again on Sun. I told her that I would love to go with her but only if she truly wanted me to go. She didn't answer me and went off to bed.
We woke up early on Sun. and she got in the shower while I went back to sleep. When she got out of the shower she was upset because I was still in bed and wanted to know why I wasn't getting ready for church. I told her because she never answered me last night. So she said yes I really want you to go. We went to church and when we came home I went and bought lunch for us and then we went to Walmart to get her gifts for mothers day. They were sold out of everything that she wanted. So we got her some stuff for her massage shop that she will be working at instead. On the way home I tried talking to her about a meeting that the city is putting on for small businesses next week. I wanted to know if I could go with her to support her in her venture. She told me that she had no intentions of bringing me along. So this started a 30 minute "discussion" of how was I supposed to support her in her business if she won't let me do anything supportive. She always tells me that at his period in time you did not support me. Every time we try to talk about our marriage she says this. But in actuality she wont let me support her. I try to support her in everything she does but I always get rejected. The rest of the ride home was in silence. She just seems to think that if she don't talk to me about it that it will just go away. What it really does is get me to thinking about it more and more until I go crazy. I tried talking to her about it that night again but I got the same result as I got in the afternoon. After the kids went to bed that night I asked her if she would like me to give her a massage. I figured that her being a massage therapist she might get tired of giving massages all the time and not getting any in return. The answer I got was a sharp and fast "NO!" What the hell! I try to do something nice for her and get a snappy attitude instead. We ended up going to bed as I was to pissed to sit with her anymore. Why do I love her so much with all that's being done?
So this brings us to today. When I was at work I did some talking to a person that my wife works with. This person knew nothing of the letter that was sent to me 2 weeks ago from another person they both work with. This person told me that what my wife is doing is really pissing them off. The way she would tell me one thing and everyone else a complete different story. Anyway this person told me that I am not the brightest person for trying to buy a house with my wife after all that is going on. They also told me that maybe I should call her on her bluff about leaving and see what happens. (Apparently I had already done that in my drunkenness the other night. I forgot about it but apparently I had all my wife's suitcases on the front porch when she came home from work that Fri. night.) What that person said made me do some really good thinking. I agreed that buying the house now was not the best idea. So I decided that when I hear from the loan person again I would see if I qualify by myself and refinance with my wife at a later date. I also decided that if my wife was going to continue to live with me she would have to go to counseling with me as soon as I could get an appointment. Either through my insurance or through her church. (She has been telling me the whole time that she will not see a counselor.)
When I came home I told her about the talk with her co-worker and what I had decided. I told her that I played by her rules, and had kissed her ass since Oct. and I was tired of being played. She got upset but agreed to see a counselor as long as it was through the insurance. Apparently she is afraid of being told that she is wrong in her God's eyes. Then I started talking to her about I felt like she was stabbing me in the back about the whole apartment thing. Nothing from her. Then I tried to talk to her about how since our oldest son started asking if things were ok between his mom and I he has started to stutter constantly. It just pisses me off to feel so helpless and see what we are doing to our kids. She keeps telling me that "The kids will adapt and be fine if we split up." Bull shit! It's obvious that they are not doing fine. She just stormed out of the house to go to work.
To top off the wonderful day I went to the store to buy some frozen pizzas for dinner. When I came home I heard a phone beeping. My wife left her cell phone home and it was beeping because she missed a call. Guess who called. My favorite person in world - Mr. D. That bastard had the balls to call her after he sat in my home and tell me that he would cease contact with her. So me being the guy I am I sent him a text saying that she left her phone here and that he promised not to call her anymore. I also asked him why he had not been returning the messages that I sent him and why he was ignoring me. A few minutes later my wife's phone rang again. It was him. I answered it and he had the nerve to say that he dialed the wrong number until I said his name. He then said he is not avoiding me and that his phone is not text capable. What a lie. If his phone was not text capable he would not be able to receive text. He then said I'm sorry she left and I'm trying to stay out of the whole situation and hung up the phone. Unfortunately I could not say anything to him because my kids were in the room. How is he staying out of it if he is still calling her? If his phone is not capable of text how did he know that I sent him a message when I was drinking that she was leaving me? That bastard is really pissing me off.
So that is my day so far. It's not over yet but that is all that has happened. I'm sure it will get worse when my wife gets home and I ask her about Mr. D. Till next time.

Friday, May 06, 2005

The previous post

The previous post A nail in the fence was an email that my wife had sent to me this morning. It actually has a lot to say about my past. Actually more about my present. I never realized until the last year how I was putting holes in my wife. And in doing so I was putting holes in our marriage. I know there is no way to fill the holes that I put in the woman I so dearly love. I can just try to make sure that I don't put any more holes in her "fence". I don't want to cause her anymore pain than I already have.

Nail in the fence

> There once was a little boy who had a bad
> temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails
> and told him that every time he lost his
> temper, he must hammer a nail into the back
> of the fence. The first day the boy had
> driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
> few weeks, as he learned to control his
> anger, the number of nails hammered daily
> gradually dwindled down. He discovered
> it was easier to hold his temper than to
> drive those nails into the fence.
> Finally the day came when the boy didn't
> lose his temper at all. He told his father
> about it and the father suggested that the
> boy now pull out one nail for each day that
> he was able to hold his temper.
> The days passed and the young boy was finally
> able to tell his father that all the nails
> were gone. The father took his son by the
> hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You
> have done well, my son, but look at the
> holes in the fence. The fence will never be
> the same. When you say things in anger,
> they leave a scar just like this one. You
> can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
> It won't matter how many times you say I'm
> sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal
> wound is as bad as a physical one.
> Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They
> make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
> They lend an ear, they share words of praise
> and they always want to open their hearts to us."

Her give a dams busted

If any of you listen to country music I'm sure you have heard the song " My give a dams busted" I can't remember who sings it. I think it might be Jo De Mecina but am not sure. Anyways we were listening to the radio a few days ago when that song came on. After listening to it I asked her if that is how she felt. She told me that when she heard that song for the first time laughed to herself because that was how she felt. She said in a way she still feels that way. I was thinking of all the shit that we have put each other through the last few months or really the shit that she has put me through that I have posted and started to think if things keep going the way they have as much as I love her my"Go Screw Yourself" is really starting to come to the surface.
I've noticed lately also how well the music that we listen to can let out some of the feelings we keep inside. I find my wife listening to a lot of songs by Reba McEntire. Songs about leaving and such. I find myself listening to a lot of Rock songs that describe how I feel. Like Theory of a dead man - No surprise that bitch is leaving me. Puddle of Mudd - Away from me. Evanesence - My Immortal. There are many others but the list is to long. The point is that I find it weird how certain songs can come to mean something to us at different periods in our life. A year ago those songs would still be good songs but they would not have the same meaning. The same thing happened afew years ago when my wife was pregnant with my youngest son. That was the same time that Creed came out with the song With arms wide open. It had a special meaning to me. Just some food for thought.

Buying a house

So we went to my parents house last night and started the process of buying our house from my parents. I'm not sure if it is the right thing to do considering our current situation but I'm feeling that if we don't buy a house now we never will. Plus I found that the way we are planning on buying the house we should be able to get a couple thousand dollars at the time we sign papers. I figure that if we do this we can use some of the monies to help my wife get her massage business going. The hope is that if I help her with the business she will see that I am trying to make things better with us. At the same time I feel that I am taking a huge risk of losing everything. Am I doing the right thing? I really want to know. So anyways we filled out the applications last night. On the way home we talked about what we would need to buy to get her started. About halfway home she started crying. She was trying to hide it hoping I would not see because it was dark but I could see the tears and the expression on her face as cars passed us. She would not tell me what was wrong. All she said was that she did not know why she was crying. Do women really do that? Cry and not know why they are crying? It made me feel helpless. I could not talk to her about why she was crying and therefore I could not help her feel better.
The thing that we did talk about on the way to my parents house was that she doesn't want to celebrate mothers day this year. It is just 2 days away. I have been asking her for awhile what she wants to do and she wouldn't say anything. Finally last night she told me she just wants it to go away this year. She doesn't want to celebrate it this year because she don't want to deal with the loss of her mom. I think it would be better to do something that would celebrate her moms life on this day instead, but I don't know how to approach her on this. Nothing much else to say today.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Not much to update with.

Well I don't know what is going on at the moment. I have been working nights all week and haven't had a chance to talk to my wife since Sun. When I get home from work in the morning she gets up and gets the kids ready for school. She goes to work in the afternoon and wakes me up as she is walking out the door. I leave when she gets home from work. We have been like two ships passing in the night. Last night was my last night to work the night shift for awhile. The job got canceled due to rain so my boss told us we could use vacation and go home early if we wanted to. So I took some vacation time and called my wife to say I'm on my way home. She got up[set with me saying that if I came home I would be "invading her space". How can I invade her space when I'm in my own house? That's all there is to write about today. I'll check back later.

On a side note is anybody reading this? I was just curious and was wondering if anyone has some feed back. I'm new to the blog and am not sure if I have it set up to accept comments or not.

Monday, May 02, 2005

The previous week (part VIII)

So this now brings us to the last week of April. Not much happened in the beginning of the week. My older son and I went pig hunting with my dad over the weekend. When we came home I really saw a difference in my wife. When I told her that I loved her in the previous week she would say I love you too. But when I came home she would just say I know you do. That hurt as much as anything that had been said the whole time we were having problems. On Tue. the 26 my wife graduated from school and received her certificate for massage therapy. I was so proud of her for all that she had done. It was a nice graduation and afterwards my parents took us out to dinner.
The next day Wed. things got bad again. I received a letter in the mail at work that was sent to me by someone that works with my wife. It was not signed but was sent anonymously. The letter was telling me about some things that they thought that I should know. Here is basically what it said "I am writing this to you because there are some things happening at the store that you should know about. Your wife is talking to all the employees that work here about your marital problems. She is even talking to the customers about your problems. Just last week a customer asked her how things were going and she told them that they were worse than ever. We should have gotten a legal separation months ago.
Other things that you should know about is that there is a certain customer (Mr. D) that comes into the store. for quite some time about a year now whenever he would come into the store your wife would start to act like a school girl. She would be all smiles and giggling and flirting with him. She would make sure that no other baggers would bag his groceries. When she was done bagging his stuff she would walk him out to his car and be gone for 15 to 20 minutes. We would have to go out to the parking lot to look for her and get her back in the store. The same customer came into the store a few days ago and she was busy so she did not bag his groceries. She was waiting for him at the exit of the store though with a big smile on her face waiting to walk him out to his car. When he walked past her he didn't even look at her and hurried away from her. The look on her face was total devastation.
I am telling this to you because we are getting really uncomfortable to work around her anymore. The problems that your wife and you are having at home are exactly that You r home problem."
That was it. Some of the things I already knew. I knew that she would talk to the customers about our problems as friend B was a customer. Mr. D was also a customer that turned into something else. I knew she was talking about me to her coworkers because of the way they would look at me when I was in the store. I had also heard about the "school girl" ways when Mr. D waked in but never heard it that way.
When I got home I talked to my wife about it and she seemed more concerned over who sent the letter than what it said. I told her that I did not want her to talk about our home life to anyone else from now on. She was not allowed to talk about us to friend A, her co-workers, and especially the customers. She agreed and called friend A and told her what I said and friend A agreed.
Thu. came around and I decided that after the letter came in I needed to talk to her alone without the kids interrupting us every 5 minutes. So I made arrangements for a babysitter to come over on Sat. after dinner and we would just go out for a few hours. It was going to be a surprise kind of date for my wife. I knew that getting her to love me again was going to take some time and I figured that we should start to date again like a new couple to bring back the love and trust. Neither one of us trusted the other at this time. We planned to talk after the kids went to bed that night but ended up just holding each other instead. We never really talked at all. We just enjoyed each others company. I did tell her that I thought she would sometimes use sex against me in that if she didn't want to talk to me in the previous years of our marriage she would just have sex with me instead to pacify me. As I said in my first post I have never been able to say no to my wife. I realized that she was still doing this to me to this day. We went to bed after that.
Fri. when I came home from work I checked my email and found another message in my box from my wife that was sent to me by mistake. It was supposed to be sent to her sister-in-law in Idaho instead. It was thanking her for the help in getting a new apartment and gave her the phone number to the office to give a recommendation. I went into the bathroom where my wife was taking a shower and wanted to know what was going on now. For the first time I actually cried in front of my wife and I could not stop. I didn't really listen to what she had to say to me I just kept saying how could you do this to me. I said you are becoming one of those manipulative women that I here about all the time. You're not the person that I married. I then began getting mad at myself for still loving her. It hurt so bad. My wife went to work and said she would talk to me after work that night. I called a friend and told him that she's leaving me and I need someone to talk to. He said he will be here as fast as he can. I then went down to my wife's work with the intentions of causing a scene but by the time I got there I came to my senses. I cant do this in front of my kids. So I went inside and bought a fifth of tequila, some limes and a pack of smokes. My wife bagged the stuff up and said "I thought you were going to do the payday shopping?" I told her that if things went as planned I would be in no condition to drive in about 10 minutes. I got home and had 2 shots when my friend showed up. We talked for about 2 hours till he was sure I wasn't going to do anything stupid. After he left I put the kids to bed and really started drinking. I had a 6 pack of beer about 6 shots of tequila and lost count of kamikazes after about 9. After I was good and drunk I called my sister-in-law in Idaho. We talked for awhile but I can't remember what was said. I then sent a few text messages to Mr. D saying that she was leaving me to find out about a relationship with him and that we needed to talk. I sent him another message saying that I can keep up the messages until he did talk to me and that he knew where I lived. He never did call back and I never kept up the messages like I said. By the time my wife came home I could barely even stand up. She had to help me in the house from the front porch where I was waiting for her to come home from work. We stayed up until 2 in the morning that night. We talked a lot to each other. I told her how I really felt about her and about I wanted to die. She told me that she was not moving into an apartment just filling out an application because there is a long waiting list. I still felt betrayed about that. I told her that I was doing everything I could to make up for what I had done to hurt her in the past. I sent her on a trip, bought her luggage, supported her in school and her search for a job, I gave her cards that said I love your or I'm sorry every week for the past few months. She told me that the one thing I did not do was actually say that I was sorry. She told me that it would mean more to her to hear I'm sorry than it does for me to do things for her. I'm the opposite. Words don't mean much but a persons actions speak volumes. That conversation helped us out a lot. We ended up staying bed till non on Sat. When we woke up she asked me if I would go to church with her on Sun. I told her that I would love to and that I had been waiting for her to ask me for years. I found myself needing something in my life the past few months. I told her that even though her words say I don't love you any more that you actions are saying that you still love. The way she looks at me anymore says she loves me. The way she talks to me now says she loves me. The way she holds me and I don't have to ask her for a hug anymore. They all say love. The biggest thing is how she tells me not to give up and she wants me to keep fighting for our marriage. She told me that even though she don't feel for me the way that I feel for her she is not ready to give up on us either but she is tired of fighting for us. For 10 years of our marriage she was the one struggling to keep us together. After her mom died she just got tired of fighting to keep us together and was feeling lost and hopeless.
That night we did go on our date. It was a surprise for her and she actually cried tears of joy when the babysitter came. We went out with absolutely no money to spend and no plans at all. So we drove around the delta and found a nice place to park and watch the sunset. It was a perfect moment. We just sat there for about an hour and didn't even talk. She just leaned against me in the truck and we just held each other. We didn't speak till after the sun was all the way down. Then we talked about the good times we had when we started dating. About how we fell in love with each other and the moments that we actually knew that we loved each other. All the good times that we had in the last 12 years since we met we talked about. Finally we got tired of cars driving by and beaming us with there headlights so we drove to another spot for awhile and decided to go home and get some sleep. When we got home our youngest son wanted us to go back out again. He was having to much fun with the babysitter. She said that it was ok so we went out for another hour before coming home for bed. On the way home we agreed that we needed to do this at least once a month, and if we could afford it twice. When I took the babysitter home she said that she would love to watch the kids for us on a regular basis like that. Once again on this roller coaster ride things were looking up.

On to current events!
So Sun. came around and we went to church as a family. I was really nervous about going. I had not gone to church since I was a kid. The sermon I guess you would call it was like he was talking directly to my wife and I. He spoke about how if you say that you live by Gods word but you do things that are not in the bible then you are still not living the right way. The Bible has no room for interpretation. He put it differently than that and I have been trying to say the same thing to my wife for awhile but couldn't find the words. All in all it was a good day. When we got home I told her that I had a good time and that if she asks me to go again I would gladly go. She didn't' say anything but Thank you. I then had to go to bed because once again my schedule was changed to work nights this week. I haven't seen my wife except for 5 minutes today before she went to work. When she gets home we'll eat and I will go back to work. That is the bad thing about working nights. We don't see each other much. I get home just as she is getting up to get the kids ready for school. She leaves for work at noon when I work nights and returns home at 6, we eat and I'm out the door at 6:45 to go to work. So that is where we are. I still love her with all my heart and don't want to lose her. She means everything to me. I just can't believe how bad I fucked up my life with her by not listening to her. Now that I am caught up to current time I will try posting some of our history together. Till next time.

Almost to current events! (VII)

So now we are brought up to events happening last week. I had to work the night shift at work for 4 days. April 17 - 21. During this time when I got home at 5 AM I would try to talk to my wife because I wasn't ready to go to sleep. Let's just say that it is amazing what a person will say when they are half asleep. She told me that she wasn't wanting to go to work on the 10th as it was her first Sun. back from Utah. But she said that she was glad that she ended up going to work because if she hadn't gone she would not have seen Mr. D in the store. She said that seeing him made her day. She also said poor Mr. D he is just sitting back waiting to find out what my husband and I are going to do. It was like she wasn't even talking to me but someone else. Then she had said that she was upset with the fact that I was at home in the daytime. She told me that She was not happy in the marriage and that if we split up at least one of us would be happy. This had devastated me. I thought that we were making some real progress the last 2 weeks that she had been home. Most of the stuff that she said was more like she was just talking in her sleep because I wouldn't say anything to her and she would just start talking in the middle of snoring. I was just to tired to talk to her when I woke up in the afternoons to really talk about it with her. I wasn't getting a lot of sleep in the day time and I was working 10 hours a night.
During that week the cell phone bill came on the computer and as I was looking at it I saw that despite what Mr. D and my wife agreed on my wife was still calling him on a daily basis. Even when she was in Utah trying to think about our marriage she called him. She was even sending him text messages still.
So Thu. came around and I didn't have to work that night. I didn't really want to sleep a lot that day so when my wife came in the room I pulled her into bed with me. We played around for a while and then fell asleep together. Our kids were in school so we had the whole morning to just lay in bed and talk. I talked to her about what was said in her sleep and she didn't have a lot to say. I then talked to her about the cell phone bill. Still she had not to much to say. So I started asking her questions. I asked her if she still had feelings for Mr. D. She said yes. She had feelings for him that went beyond friendship. It also came out that it in fact was NOT Mr. D that was pursuing a relationship outside the marriage it was my wife pursuing him. I asked her what her intentions were if we were to get a separation. She said that she wanted to see if there was something between her and Mr. D. I told her that well you already know what kind of relationship you two have because of all the talking that you do. She talks to him in a week more than she talks to me in a month. She said that she wanted to see if they were compatible in the bedroom. (that was always one part of the marriage that was perfect between us.)
I told her that I would not let her separate from me so she can screw him and come back to me. I was not a revolving door. I then asked her why she wanted to sleep with him. She said that she couldn't really explain it. I asked her if she just wanted to "try" something different. Not because she was bored with me but because it is human nature to be curious. As faithful as I am to my wife I believe that monogamy is not in human nature. I am faithful to my wife because I love her. She is the only person in this world that can get me excited. So I told her that if she wanted to "try something" different fine. As long as I new about it and it was only a one time thing. I was willing to try anything to get her back to me. We talked about it for quite a while but nothing really got resolved. I could not believe that I gave my wife permission to sleep with someone else. Things weren't looking good.