Monday, May 02, 2005

The previous week (part VIII)

So this now brings us to the last week of April. Not much happened in the beginning of the week. My older son and I went pig hunting with my dad over the weekend. When we came home I really saw a difference in my wife. When I told her that I loved her in the previous week she would say I love you too. But when I came home she would just say I know you do. That hurt as much as anything that had been said the whole time we were having problems. On Tue. the 26 my wife graduated from school and received her certificate for massage therapy. I was so proud of her for all that she had done. It was a nice graduation and afterwards my parents took us out to dinner.
The next day Wed. things got bad again. I received a letter in the mail at work that was sent to me by someone that works with my wife. It was not signed but was sent anonymously. The letter was telling me about some things that they thought that I should know. Here is basically what it said "I am writing this to you because there are some things happening at the store that you should know about. Your wife is talking to all the employees that work here about your marital problems. She is even talking to the customers about your problems. Just last week a customer asked her how things were going and she told them that they were worse than ever. We should have gotten a legal separation months ago.
Other things that you should know about is that there is a certain customer (Mr. D) that comes into the store. for quite some time about a year now whenever he would come into the store your wife would start to act like a school girl. She would be all smiles and giggling and flirting with him. She would make sure that no other baggers would bag his groceries. When she was done bagging his stuff she would walk him out to his car and be gone for 15 to 20 minutes. We would have to go out to the parking lot to look for her and get her back in the store. The same customer came into the store a few days ago and she was busy so she did not bag his groceries. She was waiting for him at the exit of the store though with a big smile on her face waiting to walk him out to his car. When he walked past her he didn't even look at her and hurried away from her. The look on her face was total devastation.
I am telling this to you because we are getting really uncomfortable to work around her anymore. The problems that your wife and you are having at home are exactly that You r home problem."
That was it. Some of the things I already knew. I knew that she would talk to the customers about our problems as friend B was a customer. Mr. D was also a customer that turned into something else. I knew she was talking about me to her coworkers because of the way they would look at me when I was in the store. I had also heard about the "school girl" ways when Mr. D waked in but never heard it that way.
When I got home I talked to my wife about it and she seemed more concerned over who sent the letter than what it said. I told her that I did not want her to talk about our home life to anyone else from now on. She was not allowed to talk about us to friend A, her co-workers, and especially the customers. She agreed and called friend A and told her what I said and friend A agreed.
Thu. came around and I decided that after the letter came in I needed to talk to her alone without the kids interrupting us every 5 minutes. So I made arrangements for a babysitter to come over on Sat. after dinner and we would just go out for a few hours. It was going to be a surprise kind of date for my wife. I knew that getting her to love me again was going to take some time and I figured that we should start to date again like a new couple to bring back the love and trust. Neither one of us trusted the other at this time. We planned to talk after the kids went to bed that night but ended up just holding each other instead. We never really talked at all. We just enjoyed each others company. I did tell her that I thought she would sometimes use sex against me in that if she didn't want to talk to me in the previous years of our marriage she would just have sex with me instead to pacify me. As I said in my first post I have never been able to say no to my wife. I realized that she was still doing this to me to this day. We went to bed after that.
Fri. when I came home from work I checked my email and found another message in my box from my wife that was sent to me by mistake. It was supposed to be sent to her sister-in-law in Idaho instead. It was thanking her for the help in getting a new apartment and gave her the phone number to the office to give a recommendation. I went into the bathroom where my wife was taking a shower and wanted to know what was going on now. For the first time I actually cried in front of my wife and I could not stop. I didn't really listen to what she had to say to me I just kept saying how could you do this to me. I said you are becoming one of those manipulative women that I here about all the time. You're not the person that I married. I then began getting mad at myself for still loving her. It hurt so bad. My wife went to work and said she would talk to me after work that night. I called a friend and told him that she's leaving me and I need someone to talk to. He said he will be here as fast as he can. I then went down to my wife's work with the intentions of causing a scene but by the time I got there I came to my senses. I cant do this in front of my kids. So I went inside and bought a fifth of tequila, some limes and a pack of smokes. My wife bagged the stuff up and said "I thought you were going to do the payday shopping?" I told her that if things went as planned I would be in no condition to drive in about 10 minutes. I got home and had 2 shots when my friend showed up. We talked for about 2 hours till he was sure I wasn't going to do anything stupid. After he left I put the kids to bed and really started drinking. I had a 6 pack of beer about 6 shots of tequila and lost count of kamikazes after about 9. After I was good and drunk I called my sister-in-law in Idaho. We talked for awhile but I can't remember what was said. I then sent a few text messages to Mr. D saying that she was leaving me to find out about a relationship with him and that we needed to talk. I sent him another message saying that I can keep up the messages until he did talk to me and that he knew where I lived. He never did call back and I never kept up the messages like I said. By the time my wife came home I could barely even stand up. She had to help me in the house from the front porch where I was waiting for her to come home from work. We stayed up until 2 in the morning that night. We talked a lot to each other. I told her how I really felt about her and about I wanted to die. She told me that she was not moving into an apartment just filling out an application because there is a long waiting list. I still felt betrayed about that. I told her that I was doing everything I could to make up for what I had done to hurt her in the past. I sent her on a trip, bought her luggage, supported her in school and her search for a job, I gave her cards that said I love your or I'm sorry every week for the past few months. She told me that the one thing I did not do was actually say that I was sorry. She told me that it would mean more to her to hear I'm sorry than it does for me to do things for her. I'm the opposite. Words don't mean much but a persons actions speak volumes. That conversation helped us out a lot. We ended up staying bed till non on Sat. When we woke up she asked me if I would go to church with her on Sun. I told her that I would love to and that I had been waiting for her to ask me for years. I found myself needing something in my life the past few months. I told her that even though her words say I don't love you any more that you actions are saying that you still love. The way she looks at me anymore says she loves me. The way she talks to me now says she loves me. The way she holds me and I don't have to ask her for a hug anymore. They all say love. The biggest thing is how she tells me not to give up and she wants me to keep fighting for our marriage. She told me that even though she don't feel for me the way that I feel for her she is not ready to give up on us either but she is tired of fighting for us. For 10 years of our marriage she was the one struggling to keep us together. After her mom died she just got tired of fighting to keep us together and was feeling lost and hopeless.
That night we did go on our date. It was a surprise for her and she actually cried tears of joy when the babysitter came. We went out with absolutely no money to spend and no plans at all. So we drove around the delta and found a nice place to park and watch the sunset. It was a perfect moment. We just sat there for about an hour and didn't even talk. She just leaned against me in the truck and we just held each other. We didn't speak till after the sun was all the way down. Then we talked about the good times we had when we started dating. About how we fell in love with each other and the moments that we actually knew that we loved each other. All the good times that we had in the last 12 years since we met we talked about. Finally we got tired of cars driving by and beaming us with there headlights so we drove to another spot for awhile and decided to go home and get some sleep. When we got home our youngest son wanted us to go back out again. He was having to much fun with the babysitter. She said that it was ok so we went out for another hour before coming home for bed. On the way home we agreed that we needed to do this at least once a month, and if we could afford it twice. When I took the babysitter home she said that she would love to watch the kids for us on a regular basis like that. Once again on this roller coaster ride things were looking up.

On to current events!
So Sun. came around and we went to church as a family. I was really nervous about going. I had not gone to church since I was a kid. The sermon I guess you would call it was like he was talking directly to my wife and I. He spoke about how if you say that you live by Gods word but you do things that are not in the bible then you are still not living the right way. The Bible has no room for interpretation. He put it differently than that and I have been trying to say the same thing to my wife for awhile but couldn't find the words. All in all it was a good day. When we got home I told her that I had a good time and that if she asks me to go again I would gladly go. She didn't' say anything but Thank you. I then had to go to bed because once again my schedule was changed to work nights this week. I haven't seen my wife except for 5 minutes today before she went to work. When she gets home we'll eat and I will go back to work. That is the bad thing about working nights. We don't see each other much. I get home just as she is getting up to get the kids ready for school. She leaves for work at noon when I work nights and returns home at 6, we eat and I'm out the door at 6:45 to go to work. So that is where we are. I still love her with all my heart and don't want to lose her. She means everything to me. I just can't believe how bad I fucked up my life with her by not listening to her. Now that I am caught up to current time I will try posting some of our history together. Till next time.

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