Saturday, July 29, 2006

Very Late!

Here is a very late pic for HNT. It is by the request of O 272. It is a reciprocal picture as she is posting a pic of her own in return.

And on a side note things are a lot better for me now.


My lovely wife had decided to join in the game as well. You can see her by going HERE! Am I married to a beautiful woman or what?

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Fuck IT!

Just fuck it all!
Fuck everything.
Fuck everyone!
Fuck, fuckity, FUCK FUCK FUCK!

That's the kind of Fucking mood I'm in at the moment.

The FUCKING depression is back again even with me on the medication.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The need for release

After a few days without having sex with SR I had that strong "urge" down inside. After I got home from work on Sun. afternoon I decided to go straight to the pool. Luck would have it that youngest was asleep on the couch and oldest was playing the gamecube. So that meant that SR and I had the pool all to ourselves. :D

We got in the pool and just relaxed for awhile. Then Summer came over and gave me a hug and a kiss. Instantly I got hard as a rock. I began to nuzzle her neck and she just leaned her head back farther so I could have an easier time getting all the right spots. I lowered the kisses to her chest just above her swimsuit. The urge was to strong. I freed a breast and began to lightly lick her nipple. She grabbed the underside of her breast and held it higher to me. I then took the whole nipple and areola into my mouth suckling lightly then hard. Alternating between the two.

Aaahh! A soft moan escapes her lips. Would you like to go inside?Smiling brightly.

No. Not yet. This is to much fun.

I freed the other breast and rubbed her nipple with the palm of my hand. Barely brushing across it. Wile still licking and sucking the other freed nipple. She reached down under the water and grabbed my hard erection. There is just something about having a hand reaching up my short leg that gets me every time. I let go of her breasts and they just stayed there floating on the surface of the pool. She began to stroke me as I pulled her close and kissed her mouth. Reaching for every part of her mouth, wanting to explore every bit of it. As I started to push into her she asked me again :

Would you like to go to the bedroom?

Very much so. I'm so ready for you.

Good because I can't wait to take you into my mouth and lick you.

I'm so ready to lick your wet pussy too. I want to smell you so badly right now.

Into the house we went. Grabbing a fan on the way to cool off the already boiling room.

Once we got into the room though I suddenly changed gears. She took off her swim suit and stood there before me. Completely naked. I had to have her. I wasn't going to be able to wait for anymore foreplay. I pushed her on the bed and got on top of her. I entered her and lost myself in her warmth. It had been so long since I was in there. She was so wet and hot. It was hard not to lose it then and there. We both let out loud gasps. I maneuvered her into a better position and just started to slide in and out of her. I couldn't wait. I had to have the release. I had to just take her. No playing around. It was just sex. Pure and simple animal sex. It didn't take long either. I was thrusting hard and fast. Suddenly I felt my balls tighten.

God I hope your ready. I'm going to cum right now!

Yes. Give it to me baby. Fill my pussy.

That's just what I did. I released so hard. It just didn't seem to end. Suddenly I had a hard time breathing it was so good. When I finished we laid there for a minute before repositioning ourselves on the bed. I finally realized that we were still at the foot of the bed. After repositioning I re-entered her and just rubbed my self on her clit. Not to long afterwards I lost my erection but she still rubbed her clit into my pelvic bone. She then played with my nipples and I returned the favor. When she started to touch her own nipples and lick one of them I became instantly hard again. We began trusting again. This time she was lifting off the bed to meet me. Then suddenly we both came together.

We just laid thee catching our breath. We fell asleep for a few minutes, with me laying on top of her. That is my favorite place to sleep. We finished just in time too. Youngest was starting to stir in the living room. The interruptions don't happen much anymore. :D

Monday, July 24, 2006


So here is the post that I have been putting off for some time now. Some people seem to wonder why it is that men can get jealous of there kids. Well here is just an example. Say you haven't had sex with your lovely wife for 2 weeks. So finally the time comes when you and your wife are able to get together. You're in the throws of lovemaking. Everything is going great. Your wife is really into it and has her first orgasm of the night. You roll over and get into a new position so that you can really go to town and get better thrusting capabilities. Suddenly you hear something. No. Just hearing things. Let's continue. You don't even get half way into the next thrust when you here it again. Only this time louder and clearer. Instantly you know what it is. One of the kids has woken up. So your lovely wife gets up and puts some clothes on. Goes into the child's room to see what's wrong. Comes out, goes to kitchen to get a glass of water. Goes back to the room and don't come out. So you are left there with a hard dick and nothing to put it in. So you wait it out while your wife lays in bed with the child trying to get him to sleep. When she finally returns your hoping that you can continue where you left off. Mind you it has been some time since she left the room to begin with. Wait a minute.....What's she saying? It's time for bed? Time to go to sleep now?

And there you have just one of the reasons that a man can be jealous of his own children. Especially if this isn't the first time it has happened. It just makes a man feel like he's not important anymore. Now I know that is not the case but it just has a way of eating at you. Year after year this just keeps happening. Every time that a child makes the slightest sound,you get dropped like a hot potato. No matter what it is that you are doing whether it be talking, kissing, or sharing an evening together in silence enjoying each other.

I'm writing all this because it is time for me to start being honest with not only SR and the rest of the people that stop by here on a daily basis, but more importantly I need to be honest to myself. So that is what this post is going to be about. I need an outlet for some of the things that I still think about. There are just too many things that I still need to find an outlet for. These thoughts and feelings are things that I should be talking about with my therapist and in the group sessions that I attend. But for some reason I don't share them in therapy. Probably for the same reasons that I don't share them here. I'm afraid of what other people will think about me. And why is that? Why am I so afraid of what other people will think about me? The only person that truly counts on what they think about me is my wife. The rest really count for squat. But I'm still afraid of what the other men in my men's group will think of me if I open up all the way. I'm afraid of what some of the readers will think of me if I reveal what it is that I'm thinking of. I think the biggest fear of mine as far as the blog goes is that I'm afraid of receiving the negative, degrading, hurtful comments that others have received. I see what comments are left for people like NSN. To be honest I've got an awful lot on my mind that mirrors what he has on his. And I see the crap that certain people deal out to him and PP. I also hear about some of the crap that people are leaving for Mr. Husbland as well. The hate emails because he and his wife are doing what makes THEM happy. Forcing them to do things like comment moderation and contemplate no longer writing. I just don't want to deal with that.

You see like most people I have started this blog for myself. I needed a place to vent my frustrations. A place where I could sort through my problems and figure out where I was going with my life. But then I stopped writing a little over a year ago. Why did I do that? Well the honest answer was because I was not getting any feedback. I had written for 3 months and didn't receive a single comment. Then one day I received a comment after I had stopped writing for a few months. Suddenly it got me back to wanting to write again. Artfuldodger wrote a post not to long ago about this from his perspective. Mine is a little different than his. The first thing I do when I get home from work besides hugging and kissing SR is check my email for comments to last nights post. Then check my site meter to see how many hits I had that day. You may call this vain. Well guess what. Your right. I probably am.

For me blogging is about than just writing a post. It's about interaction. I want the comments. That's why I started this. I wanted to hear other peoples thoughts and opinions about my situation. That's why I stopped writing back in June last year. I didn't receive 1 comment in 3 months of posting. So I figured what's the use. Then one day in Aug. I finally received a comment. That's when I started blogging again. Now I will admit that it was my fault that I didn't receive any comments back then. I didn't network myself out there and comment on other peoples blogs.

So to answer Arts questions from his post: Yes I do get excited when I receive a comment. I also get very upset when I put myself out there in a post and spend a lot of hard work writing it out, to only have 1 or 2 comments on it. Even though yes the blog is written for me and my "Self Discovery", I still have a need for the feedback. I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty and comment to me either. No, I'm writing this to explain to you my feelings and fears.

I fear that if I write some of the things on my mind that I will lose some of my readers. (I have a suspicion that this has already occurred with a few of the people used to be regular commenters for some reason.) If I lose some readers that will also mean losing commenters as well. Although I'm sure I will gain a few those are not the type of comments I'm looking for. I'm afraid that some of the things that I write will offend some people, or worse hurt others. (I know that I have done that for a fact with my other blog.) That is not what I want to do here. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or offend anyone. Then again that may be a huge problem; of mine. I may worry so much about other people that I forget about what I think. And in the long run isn't that what really matters? Take the annoying co-worker for example. I just kept letting her do what she did so that I would not have to confront her and possibly hurt her feelings. When in reality what was happening was that I was just letting it fester inside of me, gnawing away at me.

That is the big thing with me in my therapy sessions right now. I am not truly opening myself up like I should. I keep a little fence up around me. It is there to protect me from an imagined shame or ridicule. So instead of telling my therapist in individual sessions what's going on in my head I just tell him bits and pieces. I do the same thing in group too. Only the fence is a little bigger there because there are more people there to humiliate me or ridicule me. Then there is this place. The place I come to for my relaxation and to clear my thoughts. But recently I have realized that I also have a wall that I am using here as well. It's just a little smaller than the other walls I use. Because I'm afraid. Only here I am afraid of people that I don't even know. What sense does that make? None I tell you. None what so ever. I mean what's the worse that can happen here? A person stops reading because I offend them. That's what. But to me that would be like losing a dear friend. You see I feel that you are my close friends. All of you that stop by here and comment are considered to be my friends. The ones that I talk to through IM are closer to me than the people that I went to school with. The fact is that I don't want to lose any of you. To some extent I even have a fence up with SR as well. It may only be a tiny fence but it still exists.

This post has turned into a rambler, so I will end it now and continue with part 2 later.

Sunday, July 23, 2006


First off I'd like to thank all of those that commented on my last post. I'm not going to change the way that I do things on the weekend. If I feel like having a beer then I'm going to have one. Like Michael wrote in his comment "By definition a person with a drinking problem is a person that is letting their drinking take control of them. They are letting the drinking get in the way of their family and career." I have NO intentions of letting a few beers get in the way of my job or family. SR and my kids mean to much to me.

I'm also not going to talk to SR about the phone book issue for now. Like many have said they have numbers in their phones that they don't call anymore. So maybe that is the case about what is going on here. Although I did delete the number from the phone myself last year. But I'm going to let this one go for now. I am hoping that she will take it upon herself to come and talk to me about it. I haven't heard a thing from her about it. There's actually few things that we say that we will talk about but never do. It's always been that way though. We always put things off and sweep them under the carpet. It's the story of our marriage. If it's a topic that she don't feel comfortable with it ends up getting put off until it gets forgotten about. That's one of the major things that I want to work out at the moment with her. When we have an issue together we deal with it at that moment. Not say that we will deal with it after we sleep or whatever the excuse will be at the time. It may mean losing a little sleep one night but that is better than letting it just sit there in the pit of my stomach eating away at me.

On to something a little on the upbeat side. First off I am no longer going to be having the problems with my annoying coworker. Apparently when I took off work last Fri. another coworker talked to the annoying one. She said that I don't really like all the honey, sweetie, I love you crap. Sop when I came in on Mon. the annoying one come to me and talked it over with me. Long story short she apologized to me for saying those things to me when I was uncomfortable, I apologized to her for not telling her myself sooner. Things are much better now.

The best news is that my mom retired! I took this Fri. off so that I could go to her retirement luncheon. It was nice. Had to sit around with 60 other people that I didn't know. So my sister and I just sat next to each other and made fun of the other people that we were watching. So that was fun. My mom is now ready to start her new career as a Mary Kay saleswoman. And baby sitter. ;-) Of course she will have to do her career in between all the travleing that my parents are going to be doing now. It sure must be nice to be retired. They go to Alaska next month on a 12 day cruise, then in Oct. they are going on a 14 day Mediterranean cruise, after they get off the boat from there they spend an extra 7 days in Madrid. Then they just book a trip to Acapulco for Feb. which will be a 7 day golf resort trip. It includes 14 rounds of golf per person, hotel room for a week, air fare, all meals, open bar for 7 days, all for $1400 each. Fro an extra $20 for the week it includes a golf cart. I truly wish that we could afford to go on a trip like that. Even though I think golf is as boring as watching grass grow. It would still be a nice trip.

I also talked to my sister about planning a trip to Hawaii. In Jan. 2008 she will be celebrating her 5 year anniversary of being sober. To celebrate she is wanting to go on a trip to Hawaii with my parents, SR, the kids and myself. We were talking about renting a condo for 7 days during Christmas break for the kids. Plus since we have 18 months to go it makes it easier to try and save the money to go. But is Hawaii an ok place to visit in Jan.? Is the weather going to be decent enough to take the kids swimming in the ocean? We were thinking of going to one of the smaller islands out there.

Outside of that I have just been working my ass off for overtime this week. Between Mon. Until today Sun. I have worked 27.5 hours. That includes 10 hours on Sat. and 8 hours today. In fact I'm at work right now typing this. It just won't be published until I get home tonight. No internet connection at work. And all the wireless internet routers that I am receiving on the laptop require passwords. So I'm being an honest person today.

Mentioning routers I have a technical question to ask you. Seeing as we have a wireless router at home so that we can use the internet on both computers, is there a way to use that router so that we can connect the laptop to the printer? Right now the printer is connected to the home computer. So if we are working on something that needs to be printed, we need to use the desk top. Which means switching computers, or emailing the file from the lap top to ourselves so that we can print it on the desk top. It's a pain in the ass. I just need to know how to hook the two computers together so that they will share the printer. Is that possible?

The heat here has just been unbearable this week. We're setting records here. Yesterday was the worst. It got to be over 108. So we had my parents and grandma over for a BBQ and some swimming. Ended up staying in the pool till almost 10:30 last night. I tell you that is some of the best money I have ever spent. On the subject of the pool I'm thinking of doing the previously mentioned pool party next Sat. night. Unless something comes up. May need to put it off till the following Sat. I'm scheduled to work night shift starting next weekend for a few nights. We're finally doing some paving jobs at night. Can't wait either. I love to work nights. Plus it gives me a 4 day weekend next weekend without using any vacation. So on second thought we'll do the pool party on Aug. 5th. The only thing to figure out will be the time. Seeing as we live on the correct coast all the others will have to stay up late to participate. :-)~

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Relaxation and a fulfilled fantasy

Well not complete relaxation but a little bit. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Fri. morning to go over the effectiveness of the meds and their side effects. The appointment went fine for a little bit. I told how the meds were effecting me, and that I was finding it easier to not get so pissed off at things. I haven't had anymore anxiety attacks, and the negative thoughts have been staying away. I also told her about the one sexual side effect that I am having and has stuck with me. The rest have gone away. So she told me to take a "med holiday". Where I don't take my Celexa on Fri.., Sat. and on Sun. take it when I go to bed not at my normal time. She said do this for 2 weeks. If it does not help the sexual side effects I need to start taking Wellbutrin along with my Celexa. If that don't help I then to need to do the med holiday in conjunction with the Welbutrin. If that don't work I need to see her again in a month.

After we got that all out of the way I was ready to walk out the door until I remembered what SR wanted me to talk to her about. I was supposed to talk to her about drinking while taking the meds. She said that as long as I am drinking beer it won't hurt me. It will just make 2-3 beers feel more like 6-7. I can handle that. She said that the problem will occur when I start to drink hard alcohol with it. So that will mean that I have my appletini's on my holidays.

Then I told her that I only drink on Fri., Sat., and Sun. And that is only if SR is at home. If she is at work on a weekend then I won't even have one beer. This is when the appointment turned bad and I was really upset with her. Because of this not drinking alone and only on weekends she asks me why? I told her because if I'm alone with the kids and something happens and they get hurt I won't be able to drive them.

Because I had a drink and I'm not supposed to drive.
It's against the law.
But what will happen?
I have a class A drivers license. If you get pulled over with a class C license your B.A.C. is allowed to be .04 (I think). With my license it can only be a .02. If I lose my license then I lose my job as the Class A is a requirement.
Well I think you have a drinking problem. If you drink every weekend, and you won't drink while alone with your kids I believe that you have some guilt issues with drinking. I think you have a drinking problem.
WTF!!! I may have 9 beers in a whole weekend. Thats Fri. - Sun. Some weekends I don't drink at all. I haven't had a martini since Fathers Day weekend. They are made and in the freezer, but that don't mean I'm drinking them nightly. Now I know that I have said some things on here that make it sound like I drink heavily. But the truth is I don't. Ask SR. I used to when I was 19 and started dating her, but not anymore. There are more important things. Like my kids. No guilt issues. I just have a rule that I have set for myself and anyone else that will be watching my kids. If my parents were watching my kids and my mom had to leave, my dad would not be allowed to have a beer until my mom came back. If my sister were watching them same thing. If O272 were watching my kids and Mr. O weren't around she would not be allowed to have a beer unless Mr. O was around, and that would only be if he wasn't drinking. I hold all people entrusted with my kids to these rules. So I must hold myself to them as well.

Any ways it went into a little talk about how she thinks that I have a problem with drinking and she thinks I should stop and join a group. She can kiss my fat ass!

After the appointment I called SR and told her how the meeting went and she got pissed as well saying that I don't have a drinking problem and if she knew that would be the result she never would have had me ask in the first place. Personally I thing that all shrinks think if you have 1 drink a day that your an alky or something. Quacks!

So later when I got home SR asked me to stay home with her for the second time in the week. So I did. We went shopping for payday stuff and came home. When we got home we put the kids to bed and SR filled a fantasy of mine. She asked me to go swimming with her naked in the pool. OH HELL YES! I stripped down with a quickness and got the towels. Turned off the patio lights and we went skinny dipping. What a load of fun that was. It's a totally different feeling being so free in the water. It took a little while to get used to actually. But when I was used to it I couldn't imagine wear the restrictive suits I'm used to. Unfortunately we didn't get in any loving that night. And on Sat. her "Aunt" came to visit unexpected and early. So I wasted my first weekend of "med holiday". Didn't take my med at all and for nothing.

Sat. was filled with lot's and lot's of laundry and yard work. Didn't' even have a chance to cool off in the pool. But I decided that Sun. was going to be completely different. I woke up folded the last of the laundry and spent the rest of the day lounging around doing absolutely nothing. Got in the pool at around noon and didn't get out till around 3 or 4. Which was nice in a way and terrible in another. I fell asleep on my floating raft. Burned my back big time. Rolled over and fell asleep again and burned my stomach big time also.

The rest of the week has been uneventful. I worked 11 hours on Mon. Tue. and today. I'm working for OT on Sat. from 4:30AM till 3:00PM. SR's consultation was canceled from today. It is rescheduled for next Thu. but we cant find a babysitter so we now need to reschedule that one as well. Here we thought she was finally going to get her wish granted and it's getting put off more. Again.

Last thing for the night. We went and got SR a new cell phone today as it was due for replacement. While there at the Verizon store they transferred her phone book from the old phone to the new one. When we went to dinner I looked at the phone and saw something that really REALLY REALLY pissed me off. Just haven't said anything about it yet for fear of saying the wrong thing. Apparently The phone number of Mr. D. My most favorite person in the whole fucking world. I thought this ass hole was out of my life. But NO! The little fuck head is still in my wife's phone! What the FUCK is his number still doing there? Why is it still there? Has she called him?

I don't know the answers to any of this at the moment. Honestly I'm not sure if I want to even know.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Too HOT!

That's right folks. You are looking at a pic of my thermostat right now. It maxes out at 99. Then it goes back to 00. So it is 105* indoors. I had some things that I wanted to do tonight but it's just too dam hot. I'd sit in the pool but I asleep in it yesterday afternoon. Not once but twice. My front and back now glow in the dark I'm so red. So no sun for me for awhile. I'll post more when it cools down. I have some things to share with you all when I get comfortable.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


Hope you are all enjoying your Thu.!

That would be my hand on the very sexy SR's thigh.

For more info on HNT go see Obasso.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

As promised below good news!

So as I told you in my last post (it's new btw) I'm going to post about some good news.

So here it is. While at work yesterday we got word from our union that they have reached an agreement with the state. Finally. We have been without a contract for over a year. The new deal for or division of state employment is that:
1)All CEOII's (that's me) and lead-workers will receive a 5% raise.

2)All state employees in my division will receive a 3.5% pay raise. That's a total 8.5% for me. First raise in over 4 years.

3)We will receive a 2-4% pay increase on Jan. 1 depending on cost of living increase.

4)We will receive a $1000.00 signing bonus that will be taxed at 45%.

5)The state will cover 80% of our medical benefits. AND they will cover the extra $100.00 a month that we have been paying out of pocket.

6)Don't really matter to me because it only involves new hires. Anyone that begins working for the state from now on will need to wait 2 years before getting medical benefits. They will also have to get a little worse deal on retirement than I do.

So there you have it. I have been so happy about this news. Unfortunately SR is to worried about her bro to notice it much. This will be a huge help to us. The only thing we need to wait on now is the state workers to vote on it. Or so I understand it.

The last bit of good news I have is that in celebration of the new pool I am thinking about having a Blogger pool warming party. I just need to clear it with my lovely wife first. We will be having drinks, beer, BBQ, swimming, a pool table, and any other games that you all wish to bring. I'll even make sure to have the kids at my parents for the night. ;-) I'll get back to you with details as we get them made up.

Go ahead and spank me!

I've been such a bad, bad, bad, bad, blogger. Will any of my lovely readers out there PLEASE spank me? :D

I know it has been a week since my last post. I'm really trying hard not to do what I did last summer and go on a hiatus for the whole summer. I've just been SO busy the last few days. There's been a whole butt load of shit going on. So I'm not even sure where to begin.

Summer and I have attempted several times to carry-on a conversation about some of the things that have been going on with us. But something always seems to get in the way (insert kids). Fri. was a really good day. My parents came home from camping and we took back their dog. While we were there we picked up my cousins son and he spent the night at our house. We ended up staying in the pool until 10:00 that night. The kids slept GREAT! Which was a good thing because we had some really, REALLY, hot lovemaking going on that night.

Then we woke up to a repeat performance on Sat. morning. After I cooked a big breakfast for all of us the kids and I went swimming again, while Summer had to go to work. While we were swimming my b-i-l called and asked if we were doing anything that day, because he was going to come down for a visit. We haven't seen him since he moved to Id. about 18 months ago. So I took my cousin back to my parents and rushed home to be there when he got there.

The plan was that he was going to spend the night to visit and his wife was going to pick him up on Sun. afternoon. WRONG! His wife called me later and told me that she needed to talk to me. Apparently he has been getting very verbally abusive towards her (Worse than I even was), and was starting to become physically abusive as well. She wanted him to come to our place for the weekend so that he could possibly come live with us. She no longer feels safe in the same house as him. I completely understand where she is coming from. Unfortunately we don't have the space for another adult living here. Nor do we have the money to feed another mouth. so the compromise was that while he was here he was to find a friend or relative that would let him stay there. She would pick him up on Sun. night.

He came here and she dropped him off. SR came home from work and we all went swimming in the pool again. Later I told SR that I had to take b-i-l out for a drive so that we could have a talk. (She knew the reason that he was here as well). On our drive we had about a 2 hour talk about all the shit that SR and I went through and all the stuff that his wife had said. He really didn't talk that much. Just kept saying that it was her fault. not his. Classic and all to familiar to me.

When we got home SR made him read the beginnings of her blog and then he started to read the first few months of mine. We really thought that we had gotten through to him at that point. Uh no. We went to bed and slept on it for awhile. Sun. I cooked another AMAZING breakfast. OUCH! (I just broke my arm. :D) After breakfast SR and her bro went to church with the kids while i did domestic duties.

When they got home we talked some more and SR had a friend come over to talk to her bro. Her friend was beaten by her ex and is in a controlling relationship with her current hubby (for those that have read the archives this is Friend A). After she left we continued the talk. this is when I REALLY thought that we got through to him. Summer and I got into a little side track conversation and we both got upset. She started crying and I was having a flood of emotions like I had when I first started this blog. Basically she went back to saying that she loved me but it wasn't a deep love. It was more of a love that was there. And the only reason that she was here was because she felt that if she left she would be sinning in God's eyes.

It was a real emotional talk. But we persevered. She has forgiven me for what I have done to her in the past. But she has not forgotten. Nor do I expect her to forget. She is seeing that I am making progress and is happy about what I am doing. That unto itself was a huge boost in my confidence. Then she said that as time goes by her real love is coming back for me. What she really means is that she don't feel that she loves me as she feels a wife should love her husband. (Summer if I worded that wrong please correct me).

The rest of the day was quite uneventful. Outside the fact that his wife did NOT come pick him up. Summer and I were having a private conversation about my past and what she had read about it. In another place. Unfortunately we have yet to finish that conversation. We were supposed to discuss it more tonight. We'll see.

Yesterday SR ended up needing to take her bro to a nearby city to meet his wife. She couldn't come the whole way here to pick him up. Later last night she called the house while SR was at bible study. I ended up talking to her for 2 1/2 hours on the phone. Apparently as soon as b-i-l got in the car and was on his way home he started yelling at her again and yelled the whole trip home. She has decided to file for a separation today. She plans to live apart from him until he can see a counselor alone for awhile and then she a marriage counselor as well. He also needs to start taking his meds again. He is on the same meds as me, but has completely stopped taking them because he don't like the sexual side effects. I on the other hand kinda like the side effect. It is taking much, much longer for me to reach orgasm now.

Back to the subject though. After SR got home she got on the phone with us and we had a 3 way going on. We talked quite abit. But by the time we were done it was to late to do any of the things that we planned on doing together while the kids slept. ie. swimming alone in the pool.

This morning I had a therapy appointment so I didn't have to get up for work. I ended up staying in bed late. After the kids got on the bus for school SR came in and seduced me. This time it was great because the house was to ourselves. we could be loud and not care about waking up the kids. The down side was that we were strapped for time so we didn't get to finish. But that's what tonight is for. ;-) On the way to the appointment b-i-l's wife called me again and told me some things that she didn't feel comfortable telling me the night before. And now I'm in a quandary of sorts.

During the appointment I talked about annoying coworker. He said for the good of my recovery I really need to find a polite way of telling her that this needs to stop. Otherwise it will just fester and make me go back to my old ways.

After the appointment I called SR and she asked me if I would mind staying home with her for the rest of the day. Well what do you think the answer was? Of course I don't mind. So I called the boss and made up an excuse as to why I wouldn't be in and came home. So we just stayed at home today and sat around the house trying to see what we could do. Her work called and said she had to be at work at 2 so that cut most everything out. I ended up laying on the couch and she came over and laid on top of me. She put her head on my chest and just started to cry. She was so overwhelmed by the problems with her brother. It just brought back all the old emotions from me. So I just held her as she cried. After lunch we went to the bedroom and took a much needed nap. When I awoke she was already gone to work.

So that brings us up to date. I'm going to post another post tonight that has good news in it. So look for it shortly.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Thanks for all the input on my dilemma with my family in my last post. The day went really well. My cousins wife felt a little awkward, but she still had a good time. From what I can tell I'm the only one that they have told about the reason for the divorce except my aunt and uncle. They were at our house for about 3 hours and we just talked as usual. The kids swam in the pool and then went to the garage to play with the pool table. While we were alone we talked a little bit about different things. Mainly about me and my depression, and the things that Summer and I went through when we were having our problems. I told them about me writing in my blog but didn't give them the address. So she is now thinking of starting one of her own. Then Summer came home from work and we all went to my parents for the rest of the night.

After we came home and got the kids to bed Summer I got on the computer for awhile. Then my cousins wife IM'd me and we talked on Yahoo till about midnight. I felt bad for cutting out on her but I had to sleep for work. She was glad to have me to talk to though. She still loves my cousin very much.

The fourth was a good day. Didn't do the things I had planned like cleaning the garage, but we did get our shopping done and got supplies for the pool. Came home and bought some fireworks for the night and spent the rest of the day in the pool. It was well worth it to get one. Now if only I can figure out the whole chemical thing with keeping the water clean. I have NO clue what I'm doing. And now it is starting to show. I came home from work today with the hopes of jumping in. NO GO! The water was starting to turn dirty already. So I spent the next 2 hours trying to clean it. It's a little better now but not like it should be. It's only been up since Sat. and the filter is already dirty as can be. So on my way to group tomorrow I'm going to go to the pool supply store and have them test a sample of my water to tell me what I should be doing.

On to a last note. In that last post whoami929 made this comment:
You've been with a man? Why haven't I read this interesting, and very hot, tidbit about you? Damn!

Well here's the answer. I have mentioned it a little bit in a few posts. But not much. I guess the reason for that is because I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of what others will think or comment back to me. I'm also afraid that I will lose some of my readers. But here is the thing- If I'm writing this for ME and helping myself, then why am I afraid of these things? It's my blog. It's my life. Why am I so worried about what others think of me? I know that I shouldn't be. I should just worry about what I want to write on my page. But for some reason I just can't seem to get that out of my head.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Mixed emotions

Well this week has brought with it a series of mixed emotions. First the good happy emotion.

Last weekend Summer and I decided to buy a swimming pool. So after busting ass for the last 3 nights after work we finally went swimming today. Let me tell you it was a LOT more work than I first imagined it to be. Thu. was the worst. I had to haul 3 truck loads of sand into my back yard. The first was easy. I just used the front end loader at work and filled my truck. It was so full that I bottomed out my shocks. The second and third were a pain in the ass. I had to shovel all the sand by hand into the truck. Then re-shovel it out into the wheelbarrow. Just to get the yard level enough to lay out the pool.

Last night was the night of truth. We rolled out the new pool and started to put water in it around 6:30. At 7:30 my neighbor rolled his hose into our yard to help with the filling process. Went to bed at 10:30 pool wasn't close to full yet. Then at around 2AM I woke with a jump. Something inside me said check the pool NOW! I went to the yard (without apparel) and the pool was overflowing. I turned off my hose, but then I'm wondering what the hell am I going to do with the other hose? I'm walking around naked in my backyard trying to find a nozzle to put on there. Had to go to the front yard to get one (still naked). Finally found one and got it on the hose. Went back to bed wide awake and unable to sleep.

But this afternoon after running the filter for the allotted time we finally got to go for a cold swim. It was hard work but I think in the long run it will be well worth it.

Now the bad emotion. Or rather confused emotion. I just found out that my favorite cousin is getting divorced. I called him Thu. night because he and his wife are coming to my parents for dinner tomorrow night, and their stopping by my place first. So we were talking and he said the he is moving out on Fri. night. His wife and him or rather he decided a month ago that they needed a divorce. They have two sons. Their anniversary is in two weeks and they are still going on the cruise together.

But apparently he is tired of living a lie and making his wife live the lie too. He prefers the company of men. That's perfectly fine with me. Who am I to judge? I've been with a man myself. But here is where the confused emotion comes in for me. I'm really happy for my cousin that he is finally being honest with himself. His wife is taking it well to. They are still going to remain friends. (Or that's the hope between them). I'm also sad about this. SR and I were close to both my cousin and his wife. We actually tried to go on a vacation with them a few times but school and sports got in the way all the time. We still drove down to see them a few times a year. How do I/we keep that relationship with her? Can we keep the relationship with her as friends? I've never dealt with divorce before in my family so this is new territory for me. I guess the big thing is up to her how she wants to deal with it. He is still my favorite cousin. We will always be close to each other. I'm just unsure of what to do here. Maybe we'll talk about it tomorrow when they are here and the boys are playing. Who knows.

Any thoughts?