So here is the post that I have been putting off for some time now. Some people seem to wonder why it is that men can get jealous of there kids. Well here is just an example. Say you haven't had sex with your lovely wife for 2 weeks. So finally the time comes when you and your wife are able to get together. You're in the throws of lovemaking. Everything is going great. Your wife is really into it and has her first orgasm of the night. You roll over and get into a new position so that you can really go to town and get better thrusting capabilities. Suddenly you hear something. No. Just hearing things. Let's continue. You don't even get half way into the next thrust when you here it again. Only this time louder and clearer. Instantly you know what it is. One of the kids has woken up. So your lovely wife gets up and puts some clothes on. Goes into the child's room to see what's wrong. Comes out, goes to kitchen to get a glass of water. Goes back to the room and don't come out. So you are left there with a hard dick and nothing to put it in. So you wait it out while your wife lays in bed with the child trying to get him to sleep. When she finally returns your hoping that you can continue where you left off. Mind you it has been some time since she left the room to begin with. Wait a minute.....What's she saying? It's time for bed? Time to go to sleep now?
And there you have just one of the reasons that a man can be jealous of his own children. Especially if this isn't the first time it has happened. It just makes a man feel like he's not important anymore. Now I know that is not the case but it just has a way of eating at you. Year after year this just keeps happening. Every time that a child makes the slightest sound,you get dropped like a hot potato. No matter what it is that you are doing whether it be talking, kissing, or sharing an evening together in silence enjoying each other.
I'm writing all this because it is time for me to start being honest with not only SR and the rest of the people that stop by here on a daily basis, but more importantly I need to be honest to myself. So that is what this post is going to be about. I need an outlet for some of the things that I still think about. There are just too many things that I still need to find an outlet for. These thoughts and feelings are things that I should be talking about with my therapist and in the group sessions that I attend. But for some reason I don't share them in therapy. Probably for the same reasons that I don't share them here. I'm afraid of what other people will think about me. And why is that? Why am I so afraid of what other people will think about me? The only person that truly counts on what they think about me is my wife. The rest really count for squat. But I'm still afraid of what the other men in my men's group will think of me if I open up all the way. I'm afraid of what some of the readers will think of me if I reveal what it is that I'm thinking of. I think the biggest fear of mine as far as the blog goes is that I'm afraid of receiving the negative, degrading, hurtful comments that others have received. I see what comments are left for people like NSN. To be honest I've got an awful lot on my mind that mirrors what he has on his. And I see the crap that certain people deal out to him and PP. I also hear about some of the crap that people are leaving for Mr. Husbland as well. The hate emails because he and his wife are doing what makes THEM happy. Forcing them to do things like comment moderation and contemplate no longer writing. I just don't want to deal with that.
You see like most people I have started this blog for myself. I needed a place to vent my frustrations. A place where I could sort through my problems and figure out where I was going with my life. But then I stopped writing a little over a year ago. Why did I do that? Well the honest answer was because I was not getting any feedback. I had written for 3 months and didn't receive a single comment. Then one day I received a comment after I had stopped writing for a few months. Suddenly it got me back to wanting to write again. Artfuldodger wrote a post not to long ago about this from his perspective. Mine is a little different than his. The first thing I do when I get home from work besides hugging and kissing SR is check my email for comments to last nights post. Then check my site meter to see how many hits I had that day. You may call this vain. Well guess what. Your right. I probably am.
For me blogging is about than just writing a post. It's about interaction. I want the comments. That's why I started this. I wanted to hear other peoples thoughts and opinions about my situation. That's why I stopped writing back in June last year. I didn't receive 1 comment in 3 months of posting. So I figured what's the use. Then one day in Aug. I finally received a comment. That's when I started blogging again. Now I will admit that it was my fault that I didn't receive any comments back then. I didn't network myself out there and comment on other peoples blogs.
So to answer Arts questions from his post: Yes I do get excited when I receive a comment. I also get very upset when I put myself out there in a post and spend a lot of hard work writing it out, to only have 1 or 2 comments on it. Even though yes the blog is written for me and my "Self Discovery", I still have a need for the feedback. I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty and comment to me either. No, I'm writing this to explain to you my feelings and fears.
I fear that if I write some of the things on my mind that I will lose some of my readers. (I have a suspicion that this has already occurred with a few of the people used to be regular commenters for some reason.) If I lose some readers that will also mean losing commenters as well. Although I'm sure I will gain a few those are not the type of comments I'm looking for. I'm afraid that some of the things that I write will offend some people, or worse hurt others. (I know that I have done that for a fact with my other blog.) That is not what I want to do here. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or offend anyone. Then again that may be a huge problem; of mine. I may worry so much about other people that I forget about what I think. And in the long run isn't that what really matters? Take the annoying co-worker for example. I just kept letting her do what she did so that I would not have to confront her and possibly hurt her feelings. When in reality what was happening was that I was just letting it fester inside of me, gnawing away at me.
That is the big thing with me in my therapy sessions right now. I am not truly opening myself up like I should. I keep a little fence up around me. It is there to protect me from an imagined shame or ridicule. So instead of telling my therapist in individual sessions what's going on in my head I just tell him bits and pieces. I do the same thing in group too. Only the fence is a little bigger there because there are more people there to humiliate me or ridicule me. Then there is this place. The place I come to for my relaxation and to clear my thoughts. But recently I have realized that I also have a wall that I am using here as well. It's just a little smaller than the other walls I use. Because I'm afraid. Only here I am afraid of people that I don't even know. What sense does that make? None I tell you. None what so ever. I mean what's the worse that can happen here? A person stops reading because I offend them. That's what. But to me that would be like losing a dear friend. You see I feel that you are my close friends. All of you that stop by here and comment are considered to be my friends. The ones that I talk to through IM are closer to me than the people that I went to school with. The fact is that I don't want to lose any of you. To some extent I even have a fence up with SR as well. It may only be a tiny fence but it still exists.
This post has turned into a rambler, so I will end it now and continue with part 2 later.
13 comments:
I have never read your blog until tonight, but I would just like to say: 1)I even get jealous of the cat when my husband jumps up when she meows.
2) This blog is here for you. You should not be afraid to express your feelings.
3) If you are having trouble expressing your feelings in your mens group maybe it is not the group for you.
4)And finally, remember life really isn't that short. It's the longest thing you will ever do. And you deserve to be happy.
One more thing about the jealousy issue. I started to go with my husband when he goes to the cat. We go together now and he always has his arm around me. He reaches out for me as he gets up. Maybe go with your wife to the kids, take care of the problem together so that you dont lose the intamacy of what you were doing before you were interupted. Or you may create a whole new intamacy all together. I know I did.
I am going to keep reading, and i'm probably going to comment again, but I wont judge you.
"Take the annoying co-worker for example. I just kept letting her do what she did so that I would not have to confront her and possibly hurt her feelings. When in reality what was happening was that I was just letting it fester inside of me, gnawing away at me"
And CH, as I recall, communication finally occurred between this person and you, albeit through the help of a 3rd person, such that the co-worker appologized to you and now you guys are good to go. Moral of the story: speak up. Think of the worst that can happen, should you take an action, prepare yourself for it, then proceed anyway. Chances are it will often never happen that badly. There is an old saying: in order to get anything done, don't first ask for permission - just go ahead and do it, and if need be, ask for forgiveness later! Good luck dude - blog away!
CH,
My husband had a hard time opening up and we found a counselor he actually liked who didn't let him get away with talking about superficial things or silence - maybe you want to think about looking for someone who can give you that little push you need to talk. He feared that I would have a problem with his sharing those innermost thoughts that dance through his mind, but it actually is helping our marriage. I know now why he gets quiet or is moody sometimes and understanding where he is coming from has made it easier communicating. Although we don't have children, he does cater to our two attention hungry dogs and that sometimes bothers me, but at least now he is aware of how I feel and makes an effort to include me. This blog is yours and I do hope you write what you're thinking without reservation. I stop in to see what's up with you and SR often...keep your chin up.
XOXO GND
CH -
I don't think I've left a comment on your blog before, but I've been a fairly regular visitor, and I'm sure you've seen me around in Blogworld. I really am impressed w/ you and Summer, and how the two of you have built your marriage over the past several months - congratulations!
I'd echo what others are saying - blog what you want to blog about, and let the chips fall where they may. No-one in Blogworld really KNOWS you (most especially including me!), so you might as well let it hang out. I've left a comment or two w/ PP, and tried hard to keep it constructive, and I'll do the same for you, even if I disagree (which I don't, btw). So - blog away, and if someone flames you, hey - they don't know you, so the heck w/'em.
Besides, all of us w/kids have, on one occasion or another, had the fateful 'knock on the door' - I can definitely share your space on that one. It helps if you can muster up a sense of humor about it (altho gettin' stuck w/ a stiffy is a pain in the ass - or wherever). Just wait 'til they're in their teens, and they wanna hang by the door listening. . .
Okay, now I'm slightly creeped out by Desmond's "hang by the door listening" comment. Do teenagers really do that?
You definitely need to talk to Summer about the thing with the kids, because that would make any guy feel "2nd best." (Funny, because I'm usually the one that has to get up to deal with our kids at night!)
As far as comments and commenters, just be yourself and don't worry what commenters say. Even if you get negative comments, just brush it off. No reason to let it bother you. Besides, you say on one hand that you want a lot of comments, but then you say you get angry at the negative comments people might leave. The more open you are, and the more comments you get, the more likely you are to receive critical comments.
Even if they seem negative, just take everything as constructive criticism. Everyone has a different tolerance for criticism, I suppose. What is hurtful and degrading to one person might just be honest and heartfelt to another.
FTN - Only once, that we know of . . .
Ch,
I have read you and your wifes blogs for sometime now. I too find myself writing, stopping, writing, stopping. Maybe I will start again sometime in the future. After writing and no one reads you do get discouraged. As far as your marriage. It will get better Our kids are gone now and it is wonderful. We used to make sure they understood when our door is shut stay out. Anyway good luck and remember there are alot of people reading. Just keep writing
Whenever I need a little courage to speak out in public, I repeat to myself, "If I was going to die from embarrassment, I would have died years ago."
Keeping things inside that are trying to find an outlet only hurts you. The opinions of your reading audience only have the power you allow.
I've found that my wife does not get into the mood through caring for children. Getting up to settle a restless tot is guaranteed to kill her mood. Correction- Back when my wife and I were having lots of sex there were a few times when I got up and settled the kid back down, then returned to find her still ready and waiting. Actually one time she just kept going while I was out.
On the blog, stats, and comments. I used to have a rather popular blog with hundreds of hits and dozens of comments on the busy days. It started taking up way too much of my energy and attention. The response from commentors also affected my wife and my relationship- she saw it as me dragging the dirty laundry out and encouraging "my" friends to say mean things to/about her. The result wasn't good and I'll be sure to never again have a joint blog with a loved one.
Jay
CH - You have taken the first step into a much larger world. My friend, you are doing it already! If this is a journey, you are already ON IT! Just by writing what you have just written and being honest with yourself, this is HUGE my friend. I encourage you to keep it up. (You know what I mean! :) It isn't writing in a blog everyday that helps, it is being honest, being open and challenging yourself that is important. You could write everyday for a year and still be where you were when you started, and I know you don't want that.
There is nothing wrong with wanting comments, or visitors, but those things will take care of themselves. I tell you what, you keep writing like this and I gaurantee you will see a spike in both. That's why we come here.
Keep the courage my friend.
I think that is a great post - it sums it all up. This is exactly the reason why I don't have a blog - it is scary to wonder what people think of me, but at the same time I would love to know that I am not alone or that I am not over-reacting to the situations I find myself in. Thanks for being honest with us - and I will not judge you.
Dear CH
Now I feel kind of bad because I have actually been reading your blog for months and yet I don't think I have commented more than once or twice, if at all. I guess I assumed that you write your blog for yourself and that any comment I might make is kind of beside the point, but now I will try to do better!
You know, you are being quite hard on yourself about the holding back. Your blog has always seemed very honest to me. Sharing has a lot of levels of varying depths, and if you want to go deeper, then I think you should.
I do not think that you would lose your readers. I think most of your audience is attracted by your honesty, so if there was more honesty, I think you would have more readers rather than less.
You may, however, get more trolls...
CH, I'm a mommy too and ditto from me on what delirium said about jealousy. :P
And I'm pretty sure that your therapist knows you have a wall up around your sessions - probably the day you don't is the day they say you don't need therapy any longer! :D
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