Thursday, April 28, 2005

The trip (part VI)

I know that the last to posts were lengthy so I'll try to keep this one short and sweet. There really isn't much to say at this point. I was having a real hard time dealing with the whole Mr. D thing. I was losing a lot of sleep. I was keeping food down but that was because I wasn't eating much. I even started thinking thoughts that really scared me. I wanted to end all the pain and just jump off a bridge . It had been 8 years since I got high and I wanted to get stoned so bad again just to kill the pain. It was a terrible time.
I had bought my wife a ticket to see her family in Utah for 11 days. It would be the longest we would be apart since we were first married and I was in boot camp. I had told my wife that I loved her before she left and that I would not call her while she was gone so she could concentrate on our marriage. I told her that I would be here for her when she returned and that all I wanted in life now was for her to be happy. I told her that anything that I needed to do I would do to save our marriage but that if she came back and said she wanted to be with Mr. D I would not stop her if it what would make her happy. Even though I believed him when he told me that he did not pursue my wife something about the situation didn't sit right with me. Especially when my wife told me that she had feelings for him. So she left on March 26 the day before Easter. She called me few times when she was gone. Not as much as I would have liked but it was her time. I had taken the whole time off of work so I could be with the boys. I also wanted to clear my head of the situation and see what it really was that I wanted in our relationship. The problem was that I was a total wreck without her. I did do alot of thinking when she was gone but most of it was about how much I missed her and wanted her back.
She came home on April 6. She had missed her flight and had to get a new ticket to come home on. When I saw her at the airport I was so happy to see her again but at the same time sad. I thought that she was going to tell me that the marriage was over. She gave me and the kids a hug and then got on the phone. She was on the phone for the next 20 to 30 minutes. That time frame is very important. It is also important to note what she was wearing. She had a long trench coat on so I could not see what she was wearing. As I said she was on the phone from the time she got off the plane to the time she got in the car. The ride home was uneventful and we hardly spoke to each other. When we got home she took the kids in the house, changed clothes, and put the kids to bed. While I was taking all the luggage out of the car. After the kids went to sleep she said that she was too tired to talk and went to bed.
The next day I stayed home from work and we took our youngest son to the Dr.'s for shots. When we got home we took a nap together. Nothing really important happened the rest of the week. We both went back to work on Fri. That was the day that the problems started again. I was checking my email when I received a message that was sent to my wife by friend B. It was forwarded to me from my wife but she didn't send it to me. When I came home from work that day my kids were online and they may have been messing with stuff. We will never know. Anyways the friend was bad mouthing me to me wife. Saying that I will throw a hissy fit over anything. And for some reason she was talking about how cap guns are not a safe toy for kids and started saying that "hubby buy them for the boys because he thinks they are manly toys". Well for starters I did not buy my kids cap guns. I don't think that children should be allowed to play with any form of a toy gun. I called my wife at her work and told her that this shit needed to stop. I told her that I read the email and that I intended to respond to it. Apparently my wife told friend B that I didn't say anything to her when she got off the plane. She was upset that I didn't tell her how nice she looked in her new outfit that she was wearing. That was why I said remember some of the details I told you earlier. How can I talk to her when she is on the phone? It is rude to interrupt someone on the phone. How can I comment on an outfit when I can't see the outfit because of a long trench coat? I told this to friend B in a really long email telling her about alot of the things that have been happening in our marriage. Telling to also stop badmouthing when she has never even met me. The last thing I told her was to mind her own business. (After I called her an old hag and a few other things.) She responded to me saying that yes there are always 2 sides to every story. And that although she appreciated me inviting her over to here my side of the story she agreed that she should mind her own business. I responded back to her telling her that if she was going to stay out of my opinions and feelings then she needed to stay out of my wife's as well. She has not talked to my wife about our relationship to this day. After that My wife really started to open up to me and talk to me. I felt happier than I had in a long time. The following weekend was my wife's 30th birthday. We went out for dinner and went to see Beauty Shop. It was nice to be alone with my wife and not have to worry about the kids interrupting us every 5 minutes. Things were going really good I thought.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The living hell! (Part V)

Ok let me try again. I tried to post this once and I lost it. The page was lost. 45 minutes of work lost and wasted. So now I need to remember everything I wrote and rewrite it. Or just give you the abbreviated version. We'll see. An awful lot happened in the week before and after our 11th anniversary. Things with her "friend" (from now on we will call him Mr. D), were getting worse. She was still calling him on a daily basis. To make matters worse I found out she was telling different friends and me different things. After the diary incident I was having a hard time eating and sleeping. I decided that I had enough of not telling anyone about the problems between us. I had a real dilemma though. I still did not want to tell anyone in my family about this and didn't really have any friends to talk to so I decided the next best thing would be to talk to my wife's friend. Friend A. My wife had known friend A for about 7 years. She told this friend everything that happened between us. So I called her up when I was at work one day. She was surprised that I called her. The truly disturbing thing was what she said as soon as she new it was me & I wanted to talk to about my wife. She said "If you want to talk about Mr. D there is nothing going on between them. They are just friends. That struck me as really odd. Why would she say that before she even new what I wanted? Especially after my wife said that he wanted to have an affair with her. Any ways to the Conversation. I told her that I would like to try and meet with her sometime to talk about the problems we are having and see if she might be able to help out. She said that we would see about meeting and then I lost signal an my phone. Verizon Wireless connecting you my ass. When I got home my wife asked me why I called her friend that day. Jesus do these women ever stop talking on the phone? It's non stop all freakin day. any ways I told her why are you asking, if you know I called you know what was said. Conversation was then dropped. After my wife went back to work that night I again called friend A. We talked for about half an hour. She told me that my wife did love me. Funny, she told me the night before that she didn't love me anymore. She told me that my wife didn't really know what she wanted anymore. She felt that she didn't know who she was. She also felt that she needed time away from me and the kids to find herself. Remember that part about wanting time away from the kids for future reference. The last thing she said that really struck me was that friend A had told my wife that if she really wanted to leave she would have done it already. She wouldn't be waiting for the"right" time to leave. If someone is that desperate to leave she would find a way to make it happen. Funny I told my wife the same thing. She then told me that she had to go because her husband came home but she would talk to me later. Later that night my wife informed me that her friends husband would not let her talk to me. (and my wife says I'm controlling?) I never heard from friend A again. It's been 6 weeks.
A few days later I got an e-mail that mysteriously showed up in my box. It was from my wife but was intended to go to friend B. She was telling friend B that I had read her diary. It also went on to say how she told me that Mr D had moved out of town but infact that he was living in town still. She said the reason she lied to me was to protect Mr. D from me. Little history here- I've never been in a fight in my life. When it comes to that I'm to afraid but I have been able to avoid them because of my size. She also said that she was not going to stay with me no matter what. It was over. She commented on how she thought it was funny that I loved her so much when she didn't feel it in return. The last part of the message was talking about the sale of her moms estate and that she was going to hide her share of the money so that I would never see a penny of it. To bad if we do get a divorce it will all come out in the findings of property and because she came into the money while we were married it is the property of both of us. I've done some research. Any ways after reading the email I had to run to the bath room and throw up. For the next 8 days I threw up 15 times. By the 7th day I was throwing up blood. Every time I ate something it only stayed down for about 20 minutes tops. For 2 days I didn't eat anything and that's odd for me. I'm about 275 pounds. Anyways when my wife got home I confronted her with the email and asked her why she was lieing to me all the time. She told me that she wasn't and that she was lieing to friend B. The rest of the week was uneventful.
Our anniversary was that weekend on the 12th. We didn't do anything special as neither one of us was in the mood. We did have a nice dinner. Top Sirloin steaks and shrimp. That I tossed back up 15 minutes later.
On Tue. the 15th that was the day that the shit really hit the fan. I was at work for about 15 minutes when my wife calls me up really pissed at me. Apparently Mr. D called her the night before and left a voicemail for her. The gist of the message was that on Mon. I went to the fire dept. in town where he is a volunteer, and made a formal complaint to the fire chief. I told her that I did nothing of the kind. She started accusing me of it. This went on for about 15 minutes. It was really beginning to feel like she was taking his side and didn't believe me at all. I even had one of the guys at work get on the phone and tell her what we did the day before. She would still not believe me. Finally my boss came up to me and told me to"go home until you can get your shit together, and come back when I can leave my home life at home." I hung up the phone and then I lost it. I started crying in front of the people that I work with. Until that day they had no idea there was a problem between my wife and I (or so I thought until the past 2 days). They would not let me go home until I had calmed down. When I was finally calm they told me to call the fire chief and get the matter cleared. I called and left a message for him to call me.
I went home after the call to the chief just in time to get in the car with my wife and take my son to preschool. The trip to school was in silence. After my wife got back in the car from the school I staggered asking her why she didn't believe me. She said because Mr. D told her it was true. I then asked her what the message had said. She gave me her phone and told me to listen to it. Mr. D called and this is what he said-"Hi_____ apparently your husband read your diary and found some things in there that he didn't like. Well yesterday he came down to the fires tation very irrational and upset. He spoke to the chief and made a formal complaint. In our opinion it is best that we stop contact with each other. We need to stop calling each other and the trips to the house need to stop. In our experience when a husband is that irrational he will do anything, and we are afraid he might come down here and shoot me. So the contact needs to end." That was it. I couldn't believe it. That bastard had the balls to accuse me of making complaints and being irrational. Then he grew the biggest pair of balls possible when he said I would shoot him. I told my wife once again that I did not talk to the chief and that I had called him before I came home to set up an apointment with him. She finally said she believed me. When we got home she called friend A to tell her what had happened and to get advice from her husband who was a volunteer at the same dept. He told me to clear my name and then go after the person who made the accusations for Slander. After that conversation the chief called me back and asked me to meet him in 5 minutes. My wife and I went to the station. My wife didn't want to go but I told her that it was very important to me for her to hear that I did not make a complaint. The first thing I asked the chief when we got there was had he ever in his life seen me before. He naturally said no and asked why. I explained to him about what the message said and he asked if he could listen to it. My wife gave him the phone and he listened to it. When he was done he said that he had no idea what the message was talking about. No one had made a complaint to him about anything. He thanked us for contacting him and said he would talk to
Mr. D that evening and he would also talk to the police chief about the matter, and that he would call me when he found out any info.
When we got home my wife apologized to me for not believing me and went to town to run some errands she was supposed to do in the morning. When she came home she was upset with me again saying that Mr. D called her again saying that I had someone I work with make the complaint for me. LIE!!! We just heard the chief say that he never received a complaint from anyone. She still didn't want to believe me until I called the guys from work and asked them. Now this fucker was getting me in real deep shit at work. He got me sent home and now bringing my coworkers into the situation that I wanted to keep private at the time. I wanted to take him down and hurt him. I wanted to sue him for everything he had. Around 6PM that night the chief called me and told me that he had his meeting with Mr. D and that Mr. D admitted to making the whole thing up. He said that it was being dealt with departmental and that he could not tell me Mr. D's punishment. I was not at home at the time so I called my wife who was at home and told her about the call. She told me that she already knew because Mr. D called her and told her. I told her that I planned on suing for slander and defamation of character. She told me no she would not let me. That got me real pissed. I started to raise my voice and told to make her decision then. It was either him or me. To make things worse I had just picked up my birthday present at the store after my waiting period. A brand new gun. Ironic huh?
When I got home my wife and I talked a little and I told her if she didn't want me to sue then he would have to come to the house so I could meet him. She agreed and called him. He didn't answer. We went to bed then.
A few days past and we didn't hear from Mr.. D. So I finally sent him a text message that said if you don't come meet me soon I'll sue your ass no matter what my wife says. He called my wife 5 minutes later. The next night he came over after my wife got home from work. We talked for about 2 hours. The thing that really pissed me off was that if he hadn't done what he had done I probably would have liked him. He was a nice guy. We talked for quite a while. I basically told him my side of the story about our problems. I learned that he had the same problems with his ex before she met someone else and left him. He had anger issues too and was trying to help my wife learn how to communicate with me and explain her feelings. Apparently they both told me that he had no intentions of pursuing a relationship with my wife. I actually believed him. (not fully until last week April 21 though.) He told me that he did what he did because he truly wanted to cease communications with my wife. So as he left the 3 of us agreed that they would cease all contact except when they ran into each other at work.
That was when I decided that I needed to get away from my wife. I was contemplating having her go to her dads house in Utah since my conversation with friend A but now I had to do it. After the week of throwing up and the meeting with Mr. D we needed to be apart. So I booked her a flight.

Monday, April 25, 2005

The diary (part IV)

So I guess this now brings us to the month of Feb. Not that much has changed with us. She would tell me one conversation that she wants to stay with me and that she loves me and then the next conversation she would say she still wants to leave and doesn't know how she feels. She did tell me that she didn't want a divorce but she did want to try a separation for a while. I told her no we would do a separation. I don't believe in them. If you want to leave then leave, if you want to stay then stay but we will not stay married and live apart. I personally don't believe in divorce or "legal separations". It has nothing to do with religion as I don't find myself truly a believer in religion. Although sometimes I do think about it. It has to do with the fact that when I took the vows to be with her and love her to the day I die I took them very seriously. I also think that it is morally wrong to cheat on your spouse no matter what the reason. Not because a bible tells people that it is wrong but because it should be common sense. I take all of my vows very seriously. We swore to stay together through good times and bad. Well now it is bad and we shouldn't give up because it takes more effort to work things out than we want to. I feel that there is nothing that two people can't work out if the love is there. That's getting into the present so I'll continue that later.
Back to the title of the post. Since my wife told me she wanted to leave me I found myself doing things that I wouldn't normally do. I now have my cell phone bill come to me online so that it is easier to check the out going calls on the phones. I found the number of my wifes friend and programmed his name in the bill instead of his number. Now when we get the bill all I have to do is scroll down and find his name instead of look for a number. Makes tracking a lot easier. I found that my wife called him EVERY single day in a 2 month span. At one point she had 154 calls in a 60 day period to him. Unfortunately I can't find out how many times he called her. Sometimes it was just one call a day. Others it was 8 or 9 calls in one day. To her credit though 98% of the calls were only 1 minute as the company bills in 1 minute increments. It did still bother me though. She would call him more in 1 day than she would call me in a week. Don't get me wrong I don't mind her having friends that are guys. It just bothers me that she would call him constantly. To me it meant that they were more than just friends. Whether they were screwing or not. This is also only the calls since I found out about him in Nov. That is as far back as the records would let me track. (I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.)
So anyway I found myself doing things I normally don't do. I then found myself going online to some people search sites looking up his name. I found his address or at least an address that was his in 2002. Then one night I did the unthinkable. It was a few days before our 11th anniversary and I read her diary while she was at work. Note to anyone who is reading this NEVER read a loved ones diary unless you are ready to deal with what you have read. What you learn once it has been read can NEVER be unlearned. So I read parts of her diary nothing was really new to me until I reached a certain page that was written back in Feb. (my wife goes to church every Sun. And believes in religion and God. She takes the kids with her when they want to go, I stay home.) It read' Who knows why God brings people into our lives when he does. He brings us people when we really need them. For me it came in the form of a caring person. We both want this to be more but realize that there is to much at stake. So for now we will just leave it at friends.'
I read this and it started messing with my stomach. I called my wife at work and told her to come home as soon as she got off work because we needed to talk. So when she came home I confronted her on what I had done knowing that it had the potential to never be repaired. I asked what it meant by 'both wanting more but realizing that there was to much at stake.' She first got upset about me reading her diary and wouldn't talk to me. She finally did start talking to me and said that he was just a friend that would talk to when she was upset with me and having a bad day. But then she also told me that he had tried to start a relationship with her outside the marriage. Meaning he wanted to have an extra-marital affair with her. He is single,divorced actually. His wife left him for someone else because of his anger issues. He has 2 kids. The real kicker was when she told me that she was tempted but couldn't do it because she didn't want to take the chance of having 4 kids. She said NOTHING about how it would make me feel. Just that she didn't want to raise more than 2 kids. That really got me steamed. I wanted to know who the fuck this guy was. This was my wife. The person that I live and breathe for and he was trying to steal her away from me. After that conversation I just couldn't bring myself to talk anymore that night and went to bed. Life was getting worse than I had ever imagined.

Friday, April 22, 2005

The text messages (beginning part III)

So it was a week after she told me she wanted to leave me. It is opening day of duck season. I was out hunting with my dad when I drop my cell phone in the water. It is toast. I can't afford to get it replaced so I have to take my wifes old phone and have it reprogrammed with my number (I just bought my wife a new phone a wek before she told me she wanted to leave me. Thanks hun, that was $150 wasted on my behalf.). So any way I'm at work that week with her old phone that is now mine, and I'm programming my phone numbers in there when I wanted to send my wife a text message. Even though she wanted to leave me I still loved her with all my heart (and I still do, more on that when I can get caught up to the present). So I wanted to send her a text saying that I love her and we can still work things out. After I sent the text I was going through the messages on the phone forgetting that it used to be her phone. I found a message that said 'Hi handsome.', another one that said 'Hi handsome, I'll see you tonight sunshine', 'I'm thinking of you'. So I found out the number that the texts were sent to but there was no name. When I got home I looked at the text messages on her new phone and found more messages to the same guy saying 'Hi handsome, I miss you. Sunshine'. But this time there was a name to the number. So I asked her who this guy was and why she was sending him messages. Especially messages that said hi handsome, & I'll see you tonight, & I miss you. She never talked to me that way, at least not in the past few years. She kept saying that it was just a friend and nothing more. Well if was "just a friend" then why was she calling him handsome and saying that she misses him? I was a total wreck after that. I started smoking again after that night. I had quit for a few years untill that night then I started again with a vengence. I was bound and determined not to lose my temper with her thought because I truly loved her and wanted to work things out. She would'nt tell me much more except that he was just a friend and that was it. She said that nothing physical was going on with them. I did have to believe her on that because I do know her well enough to know that she would not cheat on me.
The next couple of months went by with nothing really big going on. I still love her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. We would have some really late night discusions when she would come home from work. Sometimes we would be up till 2 or 3 in the morning. I found out that she was talking to people at work about what was going on with us even before I found out what was happening. She was talking to her friends about us quite a bit. I found this out because we live in a small town and she works at the only grocery store in town. My boss is married to her supervisor. Even though he won't get involved and doesn't wan to talk to me about it because of that fact. I do have alot of people that I work with that shop there though and I started to get little bits of information that she wants to "rethink her marriage" when she completes school in Jan. Unfortunately no one had any info on what was really going on. That started to really get me upset because to this day Apil 22 I have not talked about this to any of my freinds or family. I don't want to tell my family about this especially my parents because they own the house we live in. The other reason I'm not telling my family is because I #1 feel embarassed about how I F'ed up my marriage and #2 if we do get things worked out like I want to I don't want them to change the way they look at my wife. The other thing is that I really don't have alot of freinds that I can talk to. I have one good freind and we don't really talk that much except when he can get away from his wife and his business.

Begining cont.

So anyways I know that I had an issue with my temper and finally started to deal with it. Then came the day that my life started to fall apart. Oct. 24, 2004. My wife and I woke up on that Sat. morning and laid in bed as we usually do on Sat. mornings. We started to talk a little bit with each other and I could see that something was bothering my wife. I was always good at knowing when something was bothering her just not good at seeing most of the time it was me. So I asked her to tell me what was wrong and she said nothing. I then asked her again and told her that I could see that something was wrong with her. I said tell me whatever it is that is bothering you just tell me the truth that is all I want. So the truth is what she gave me. She told me that she wanted to leave me and that she had stopped loving me some time ago. She was waiting to finish school (she was going to school to be a massage therapist at the time) and get a job then leave leave me when she felt that the time was right. I was caught off gaurd. I had no idea that she felt that way. We had talked previously about buying the house that we live in when she was done with school. My whole life just fell apart in a matter of seconds. So we talked for about an hour more in bed while the kids were watching cartoons. When we were about done with our conversation she proceeded to ask me to make love to her. I was really confused then. You tell me that you don't love me and then an hour later you ask me to make love to you? Of course I did do it though. I never was one to turn down sexual advances from my wife. The rest of the day we really didn't talk much. I just kept to myself for awhile. Actually for a couple of days.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The beginning

Well to start off with I have been married for 11 years. I love my wife more than anything in this world except for our two sons. We got married in 1994 when I was 20 and my wife was 18. It was 1 month after my 20th birthday and 1 month before my wifes 19th birthday. I'm not sure how to say all of the details of what is going on but now after 11 years of marriage my wife wants to leave me. I admitedly have some anger issues. I used to yell at my wife quite often. I have never hit her or even threatened to hit her. But I yell alot. Well at least I used to yell alot. It has been 13 months since I last lost my temper with my wife. The last time it happened something changed in me. I actually saw her crying because of what I had said to her. I saw what I had been doing to her for the last 10 years of our marriage. I made a vow to myself that day to never lose my temper with her again. I have been successfull with that vow for 13 months now.
For now that will have to do. will tell more of the story later.