Monday, April 25, 2005

The diary (part IV)

So I guess this now brings us to the month of Feb. Not that much has changed with us. She would tell me one conversation that she wants to stay with me and that she loves me and then the next conversation she would say she still wants to leave and doesn't know how she feels. She did tell me that she didn't want a divorce but she did want to try a separation for a while. I told her no we would do a separation. I don't believe in them. If you want to leave then leave, if you want to stay then stay but we will not stay married and live apart. I personally don't believe in divorce or "legal separations". It has nothing to do with religion as I don't find myself truly a believer in religion. Although sometimes I do think about it. It has to do with the fact that when I took the vows to be with her and love her to the day I die I took them very seriously. I also think that it is morally wrong to cheat on your spouse no matter what the reason. Not because a bible tells people that it is wrong but because it should be common sense. I take all of my vows very seriously. We swore to stay together through good times and bad. Well now it is bad and we shouldn't give up because it takes more effort to work things out than we want to. I feel that there is nothing that two people can't work out if the love is there. That's getting into the present so I'll continue that later.
Back to the title of the post. Since my wife told me she wanted to leave me I found myself doing things that I wouldn't normally do. I now have my cell phone bill come to me online so that it is easier to check the out going calls on the phones. I found the number of my wifes friend and programmed his name in the bill instead of his number. Now when we get the bill all I have to do is scroll down and find his name instead of look for a number. Makes tracking a lot easier. I found that my wife called him EVERY single day in a 2 month span. At one point she had 154 calls in a 60 day period to him. Unfortunately I can't find out how many times he called her. Sometimes it was just one call a day. Others it was 8 or 9 calls in one day. To her credit though 98% of the calls were only 1 minute as the company bills in 1 minute increments. It did still bother me though. She would call him more in 1 day than she would call me in a week. Don't get me wrong I don't mind her having friends that are guys. It just bothers me that she would call him constantly. To me it meant that they were more than just friends. Whether they were screwing or not. This is also only the calls since I found out about him in Nov. That is as far back as the records would let me track. (I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.)
So anyway I found myself doing things I normally don't do. I then found myself going online to some people search sites looking up his name. I found his address or at least an address that was his in 2002. Then one night I did the unthinkable. It was a few days before our 11th anniversary and I read her diary while she was at work. Note to anyone who is reading this NEVER read a loved ones diary unless you are ready to deal with what you have read. What you learn once it has been read can NEVER be unlearned. So I read parts of her diary nothing was really new to me until I reached a certain page that was written back in Feb. (my wife goes to church every Sun. And believes in religion and God. She takes the kids with her when they want to go, I stay home.) It read' Who knows why God brings people into our lives when he does. He brings us people when we really need them. For me it came in the form of a caring person. We both want this to be more but realize that there is to much at stake. So for now we will just leave it at friends.'
I read this and it started messing with my stomach. I called my wife at work and told her to come home as soon as she got off work because we needed to talk. So when she came home I confronted her on what I had done knowing that it had the potential to never be repaired. I asked what it meant by 'both wanting more but realizing that there was to much at stake.' She first got upset about me reading her diary and wouldn't talk to me. She finally did start talking to me and said that he was just a friend that would talk to when she was upset with me and having a bad day. But then she also told me that he had tried to start a relationship with her outside the marriage. Meaning he wanted to have an extra-marital affair with her. He is single,divorced actually. His wife left him for someone else because of his anger issues. He has 2 kids. The real kicker was when she told me that she was tempted but couldn't do it because she didn't want to take the chance of having 4 kids. She said NOTHING about how it would make me feel. Just that she didn't want to raise more than 2 kids. That really got me steamed. I wanted to know who the fuck this guy was. This was my wife. The person that I live and breathe for and he was trying to steal her away from me. After that conversation I just couldn't bring myself to talk anymore that night and went to bed. Life was getting worse than I had ever imagined.

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