Tuesday, January 31, 2006

We're sick

Yup. Summer and I woke up with really bad sore throats this morning. I actually woke up around 1 with mine. That's about the time that she went to sleep with the youngest. He was actually doing really good the past few weeks about sleeping alone ALL night in his room alone. But we got him some meds from the Dr. on Fri. and since he started taking them he hasn't been sleeping well. He's also got a pretty bed nose thing going on but that might be a side effect from the meds. Need to talk to the doc and check with him. So anyways here I am home from work today. Summer had to go in to do a massage today because she can't take any sick days yet.

We had our taxes done the other day. Let me just say that it was a big waste of money to pay someone else to do it. I wanted to have someone do it because of buying the house and Summer's business. Well we weren't able to claim the interest paid in the house because the standard deduction was more than the interest we paid. And the business stuff was extremely easy. So I'm not sure what we will do next year. I think I'm going to buy Turbo Tax and do it myself, and if I have a problem then make an appointment to have it done.
But at least we will be getting some money in return. In about 10-15 days we should have the money directly put in the checking account. We've got the money coming and it's already spent. Nope. We're not going to Vegas. That was a come and gone idea. Instead we are going to put a timing chain in my truck. Buy Summer a Massage Chair for her business along with a laptop, and new printer. When my parents move in a few weeks we'll be buying their spare bed for the kids, and try having them in the same room on bunk beds. Not sure if we have any other major purchases planned. Just clothes for the kids and paying off the Visa. (Yes Visa come first) :)
Here's to hoping you all have a good week.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Monster Jam!

so we went to Monster Jam last night. It was awesome as usual. The kids had a blast. They are already talking about next year. So are Summer and I. We're thinking that next year we might get box seats instead of the regular seating. Give us a little more room. Summer and I are actually considering going to Las Vegas with the kids in March for the world finals. If we can swing it with the tax money. We'll make a long weekend out of it if we go. Drive down on Fri. morning and watch the qualifying runs that night. Then do some site seeing on Sat. morning. I've always wanted to go to Vegas and see the strip. Then watch the main show on Sat. night. Sun. morning we do a little more site seeing and make the long drive home.

But that will all be determined on whether we get enough of a return to afford it. If we can't afford that then we are thinking of going to the Freestyle Motocross (FMX) next month and taking my sister.

Other than that not much of note to tell about. I stayed home from work on Wed. morning. Summer and I took the youngest to school and went out to breakfast. When we got home we layed town and talked for a little bit and took a short nap before youngest came home from school. We even went out to lunch that day too. All in all I think it was a good day. We talked for awhile and got some alone time without the kids. She's still a little uncomfortable being alone with me and that's understandable. I'm not expecting her to change overnight. I just wish it would move along in more noticeable forms. It's like I'm seeing to different people with her. Between what she says and does around me and what she says to others. But it's still moving in the right direction. At least that's my opinion.

I'm actually looking forward to my next session with the Dr. I'm hoping this one will go a little better than the last. Not saying that the last was wrong. I'm also hoping that the time doesn't go by so fast this time. The hour just flew by last week. I really need to start on the assignment that he gave me to do. I've actually started it but it seems that I have writers block whenever I try to write it down. Which is weird considering that I'm writing fine here.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


That's me pulling out my hair.

Just to forewarn you this is going to be a bitch session.
So here's the thing. As you've gathered from my previous postings money is tight around the Confused household. But we have always managed to get by. We started the week off with 30 bucks to last the rest of the pay period. By this morning we were overdrawn in the checking due to 2 empty gas tanks and a lack of milk and other necessities. Then salvation came in the form of an OT check with 20 hours on it for the work done over New Years weekend. So we now have some extra money that I had been waiting for. Here's the problem. Every year for the last 5 years I have taken our oldest to see the Monster Trucks. Last year the whole family went. So they are back in town this weekend. Naturally the kids and I want to go back this year. We have the money to go. I busted my ass for 20 hours extra to get this money. Now she's saying that we can't go because we can't afford it. Instead we need to get haircuts for the boys. Now I know they need haircuts. But I don't work weekends and holidays or any overtime for haircuts. I work the overtime so we can do enjoyable things. I don't enjoy haircuts. I work Mon. through Fri. for haircuts and other stuff like that. Especially since any massage money that she makes outside of her paycheck job is hers to spend the way she pleases. I'd like to spend my extra income the way that I please. It's always been the double standard when it comes to stuff like that. If she used to get a bonus from the grocery store it was hers to do with as she pleased. I work overtime, or get some extra money somewhere it goes into the household income. ie- groceries, gas, bills.

Now she's saying"I said we could go. It was up to you." Well truth is she never said that. I've gotten nothing but attitude about it all night. She just gives me non answers. i.e.- I don't know, or do what you want.

Well I'm done bitching now. I'm going to go try to salvage whets left of the night. This post may even be deleted in a day or 2.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Well I'm going to start this off on a really happy note today. When I woke up Thu. morning my son came to me as I was walking out the door for work. He said "Dad I prayed to God last night that he will take care of our cat and bring her home." I told him that was a smart thing to do. So guess what happens an hour later.
. Well did you guess?

Summer calls me up all excited and said that her kitty came home. Apparently our oldest son saw her as he was walking to the bus stop. He called her and she came up top him and he carried her home. So the house is much happier now.

So I went to the shrink on Fri. afternoon. It was alright I guess. Nothing like what I was expecting it to be like. But then again I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting. He did give an assignment though that I really need to start. He wants me to make up a list of all the things that would set off my temper, then bring it to the next appointment in a few weeks.
so we talked about some things but nothing really that I wanted to focus on. I wanted to focus more on why I feel so depressed at times and also why it is that I have a hard time controlling my temper. He on the other hand wanted to focus more on my marriage to Summer. Although he did say something about our relationship that makes sense. He says that when I always ask her what is wrong or what is bothering her, and she says nothing or I'm fine, it is basically the same thing as constantly bringing her daisies and she don't like daisies. (That was big run on sentence but I couldn't find a way to fix it. Oh well.)
But to me I always saw it as a way of letting her know that I love her so much that I can really tell that something is bothering her. I also said that in a way I do this because you do to people what you want them to do to you. So I when I ask her what is wrong I am wanting her to do the same for me when I have something that is bothering me. Because I fell that if she truly loves me she will ask me if something bothering me when I do things that show I'm bothered. If she don't ask me what is wrong I'm not going to just openly tell her what is wrong. In my mind I think that if she don't ask me then she don't really care to know. No matter how much I want to get it off my chest.
Anyways the whole point to this is that he told me that in doing this I am not being honest with my wife. If something is bothering me I just need to tell her as soon as we get some alone time together. I am also not being considerate of her feelings by asking her what's wrong when she clearly don't want to tell me.
This is going to take some time to start implementing into our daily routines.

I did some more thinking back into my past the other day. Specifically thinking about when the first instance of depression happened to me that I can remember. So far the earliest occurrence that I could come up with was my senior year of high school. I was going through an awful lot of things back then. Most of them things that are only important to a teenage mind. I guess the biggest of those was that I was 18, almost ready to graduate, and I still never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl, been on a date with anyone, and of all the people in my circle of friends I was the only virgin. Like I said a bunch of petty teenage bullshit. But to my 18 year old mind those were the most important things in the world. But then again looking back on it at least I wasn't like some of my friends growing up. Like a friend of mine that was my neighbor from 7th grade to 10th. She got pregnant our freshman year. Ended up being home schooled for 2 years. Or a friend my sr. year who had to drop out of sports to support his baby with his ex girlfriend. But none of that taught me a lesson as I got my ex pregnant 18 months after high school.
Well I think I should get off that subject now.

So how are you all doing?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Just some randomness

Well things with the mold are worse than I had originally thought they were. While trying to clean the walls yesterday Summer found a real bad spot on the window sill. As she was wiping it down some pieces of sheetrock started to flake off. I looked at it and found a chunk that was ready to fall off. So I pulled it off to take a look at it. There is mold in the sheetrock. Also the 2x4 under the sheetrock for the sill is wet also. So we will be calling the insurance company and see what they have to say. I found out we have a completely different company than my parents had. The thing that will hurt us is that we had this problem before we bought the house and bought it anyways. That's the end of the mold postings for awhile.

The house is a little bit upset the past 2 days. Our cat got outside the house yesterday morning. Usually she comes back after about an hour or two. Well it has been 32 hours and she still has not returned. Summer had a really hard time sleeping because her cat was not here. She kept waking up and looking out the front door calling the cat. I'd like to have the cat home but she's nothing that I'm going to lose sleep over. It wouldn't be to bad if the it weren't for the kids being almost in tears because she is gone.

Now to the Self Discovery that the title of my blog refers to. While out hunting over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend about 8 hours alone. I find that when I'm alone I get bored very easily. When I get bored I eat. So in that period of time I ate half a Costco sized bag of Ruffles and whatever else I could find. I found out that when there is no one around to talk to I get bored very easily. But on the other hand I am very picky about who I am willing to be around.
I found that I use food as a comfort zone like my mom used to. That is something that really needs to stop. I'm big enough as it is.

I just realized while looking at my dashboard that I'm almost at the 100 post mark. In fact the post that I'm writing is #93. So I've decided that in the spirit of being open and honest in this Blog I will have you ask me anything that you want to know about me. (Well almost anything. Nothing to revealing.) I will answer all these questions on my 100th post. Unless I don't have any interest from the readership then I'll think of something else to comemerate the occasion.

Less than 2 days till I see the shrink. I probably won't post anything until after the appointment.

One last thing. For the last 5-6 years we have been doing our own taxes using Turbo Tax on my parents computer. This year My parents won't be buying the program because of the sale of the house we are living in and due to my dads retirement. They want to make sure it all correct. I also don't want to buy the program myself because of Summer's business and buying the house. I want to make sure everything is done right then do it myself next year. How do you pick a good tax person? I want someone who knows all the ins and outs. Not someone who is just hired help for the season. Thanks in advance!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

As if they couldn't get worse

I thought we were finally going to start seeing some better times. How wrong was I?!?! Where should I start?

Well over the weekend We did our usual Sat. laundry which includes washing all the bedding in the house. We do this every Sat. So every Sat. we have to make all the beds in the house. We come home from my Grandma's 82 birthday around 8:30 and start to make the beds. Suddenly I here Summer scream from the youngest's room and she's yelling for me to come into the room. I go in there and there is MOLD behind our son's bed. It was NOT there last Sat. when we did the laundry and made his bed. If you were to pull his bad away from the wall there would be a perfect outline of his bed on the wall. So we went through the rest of the house to find a perfect outline of our bed on the wall, Summer's dresser on another wall, a chair in the living room, and along the base boards in the Master Bath. Lovely. Just what we needed. We've only made 2 payments on this house. So now I'm at home from work today so that I can try to bleach the walls. I'm just waiting for Summer to get home from dropping youngest off at the babysitters so she can help me with the cleanup.

A little history on the mold issues with our house. We had a huge mold problem when we first moved into the house 5 years ago. Back then we were renting from my parents. We had some people come and inspect the house. We were told that the mold was NOT inside the walls, but was just on the exterior of the paint. (We cut a few holes in the wall to check for mold inside the walls.) They said the carpet needed to be removed because it was infected also. We had to replace all the mattresses, through away stuffed animals that have been in the family since the early 1900's, rebuild the Master Bath, and install french drains in the front and rear of the house to keep water from getting underneath the house's crawl space. We lived in the house for 18 months with no carpet. Oh we also installed a new heater and new vents in the rooms and new duct work. So another winter went by after all the work was done. The mold never returned. So we installed new carpet. That was 3 years ago. For the last 3+ years we have been mold free. Until the huge storm that came through here over New Years weekend. We had over 5 inches of rain in a 24 hour period. It was more water than the drains we installed could handle.
So in a little over 2 weeks since the storm we now have a mold problem again. And Home Owners won't cover the issue either. We went through that when my parents owned the house. They went to the insurance company and they sent out the mold inspectors. Insurance said that it was not something covered under the policy. A month later the insurance company dropped my parents policy on the house because of the liability or something like that.

So that's how shitty things are going right now.

Will things ever get better around here?

God i sound like a whinny little bitch here.

Friday, January 13, 2006

I'm really trying to keep up with things to write but I'm finding it more and more difficult to come up with things to write about. I really don't want to post all the complete details of my day to day life. Mostly because they aren't very interesting even to me. I'm not going to give up on this site as I like writing here. I really wish that I could come up with some real meaningful or insightful postings like some others but I'm just not that creative. So for now I'm going to use this as a place to just let out my frustrations so they don't interfere with my family life.

I came home from work early today so that I could take my truck in to have it smoged again. I did it on Wed. but it failed. Had a new cat put on yesterday, and it passed today. Of course it helped that the smog tech was my mechanics brother. ;) Amazing what a case of Budweiser can do.
Anyways back to my coming home early. As I was getting ready for a shower Summer came in and we sat on the bed talking a little bit. The topic came to Blogs and she was asking if I had read this post from FTN. I hadn't read it yet. She highly recommended it because she said it was hilarious. Then she asked if I had read pretty peanut. Again I said no. She told me about what she had posted today, and then she started to cry. I asked her if she was crying because of what was going on with pp. She said that was some of it but she was also upset because her mom's birthday would have been on Mon.
This is where I have the problem, and am asking for help. When she gets upset about her mom's death I really don't know what to say or do. When she cries about it I feel even more at a loss. She told me last year that she was mad at me because she felt that I didn't support her when her mom died. (I know this is taking a while but I'm getting there.) That was because I felt at a loss for words. So back to today. I wanted so badly to say something to her to make her feel better but couldn't come up with anything. So I just laid her down and held her for a few minutes before she had to pick up the youngest son. I never was good at dealing with death. Never knowing what to say. Saying they are in a better place seems so cliche' to me.
So here is the question- What should I do in a time like this? I know the right answer is to just hold her but to me it don't feel like enough.
What I did do though was after she left I put a card on the computer desk for her when she got home. It just said how much I love her. That was over 9 hours ago and I haven't heard a word about it from her. I know she opened it because of where it was when I got home from the smog test. I'm not expecting or even wanting earth moving mind blowing sex just because I gave her a card. But a simple 'Thank you' would be nice. Am I just being petty?

One last note for the day. While were out shopping at Sam's Club tonight I jokingly said lets get a laptop computer. She said why. I answered so the we could both be online Blogging at the same time. She said well this one is only 700 how bout it? You are the one that got me hooked on Blogging you know.
So she went from wanting nothing to do with Blogging to now she is willing to get a bottom of the line lap[top so that we can both Blog at the same time. Go figure. Now I just need to come up with about 800 after taxes and a carrying case.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

That was a short bout

Well this last round of my funk was the shortest that I ever recall having. This one left as fast as it came. Have no real clue as to why it went away as quickly this time but no complaints here!
A random question though. Since Summer is my massage Therapist and I see her on a fairly regular schedule, does that mean I can forgo going to see a shrink? I mean she already is my Therapist. Right?

Ok so I guess that won't work. So the appointment still stands for next Fri.

We took s-i-l home on Sun. afternoon. While we were down there at the god mothers house (they have the same god mother) their god mother asked Summer and I if s-i-l could come live with us. We both said no. I know this goes against what I wrote a few months ago, but things have changed since then. We are tying to raise 2 kids of our own. We don't need to try and raise a 24 year old too. She really needs to hit rock bottom before she can get the help she needs. Right now she is trying to get other people to take care of her. She keeps going from place to place, until her welcome is worn. Then she finds someone else to support her. She has not worked a job in her 24 years of life. We just don't need the extra burden right now. For the 3 weeks she was here she stayed up till 3 in the morning watching TV or using the internet. Then sleep all morning on the couch.

Well that's enough of that.

I updated my Blogroll this afternoon. Added some sights that I have been reading for some time now. And a few that I just discovered in the last 2 days. One of those sights is shadesofwoe. I just found her last night after she left me a comment. Let me tell you that when I read her Blog it scared the crap out of me. I actually asked Summer if she had started a new blog that I wasn't supposed to know about (but then why would she have commented on mine? I just realized that.) The things she had to say sounded exactly like what we went through. Except for the playing games part. When it's time to go I want to go. I HATE to be late. Off topic. Sorry. But I read that and it started something in me. I still can't believe I was such an ass to her.

So we talked about it last night before we went to bed. She read the Blog after I was done. Well that talked let some things out that weren't to good. Some times apparently Summer regrets not leaving me. She even considers it at times still. The rest of the night was spent with "I don't know" as her responses to anything I had to say. Except that she says she loves me.
So now I'm back to being Confused Husband. How can she love me if she regrets not leaving and still contemplates leaving?
But surprisingly I'm not upset about it. It hurt when she said it, but it wasn't like when she said it earlier. I can't explain it. Maybe because for some reason I still expect to come home from work to an empty house some day. I actually have dreams about it. Not often but I still have them.
I guess it all goes back to it will take a long time for her to forgive what I have done, and she will never forget. Hopefully this appointment next week will help straighten things out. I already told my boss I don't care what is going on next week. I'm not canceling another appointment for him.

So back to shades of woe. I really don't know what to tell her to do about her husband. I wish I did. What I do suggest first is that she decide what she really wants to do. If she wants to leave she needs to be firm about it and just do it. Don't dilly dally around. If she wants to work things out with him she needs to make sure he listens. How to get him to listen I'm not sure. But if she loves the man she is married to she needs to make sure he listens and listens good. As many of my readers here know I also don't believe in separations like her DH. But the fear of it is what turned me around.
I wish I had more advice to give. I'm sure I do but can't come up with any at the moment. So I'll leave this to Shades of Woe. If you would like to have any questions answered for advice or insight into his thinking feel free to e mail me. I or Summer will be more than happy to help in any way we can.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Finally Friday!

I was beginning to think that today would never get here. Let's just say that I'm so glad it's over.

Well now I'm really feeling like shit. Not only is my funk (that's what I'm calling my state of mind right now) causing problems with me, but now it's really causing problems with Summer as well. She's walking around the house apologizing for shit that she didn't even do. This is so Fucked up! She's avoiding talking to me right now. Apparently she thinks she will say the wrong thing. That is SO not true. What I want more than anything right now is for her to sit with me and talk with me. She can't so the wrong thing to me as long as she is open and honest. I want to be with her. And at the same time I want to just be alone. I don't know what I want. I'm so .... oh I don't know what the word is. I just can't find anything to satisfy me at the moment. Nothing is on TV that looks interesting. I've read all your blogs over and over again. I can't sleep as I'm not tired enough. My s-i-l has us watching the STUPIDEST movie right now. Eurotrip.

Anyways I want to get drunk. But I don't like to drink alone. It's still early enough to say screw it though and drink anyways. I know it won't solve anything but I haven't been drunk since the incident where I thought she was moving out. (I thought I posted it but could not find it). I also want to smoke some of those cigarettes I found while hunting. I never did through them away. I could really use a Marlboro Light right now.

Anyways I'm going to sign off for the night. I feel like I'm whining to much here.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

It's starting again

So the pictures to the left here depicts what I came home to on Sun. afternoon. I was supposed to be on a 3 day hunting trip with my uncle, (and a day with my dad) but my boss called me at around noon on Sun. and asked me to come home early due to all the flooding in my home town. So I came home early so that I could get a little extra cash. Ended up working 8 hours on New Years Day (NYD). Good thing that to me NYD is just another day. Anyways I had to come home to close down a highway because there was up to 2 feet of water over the top of it in places. Then when the tide went out I had to use the front loader to clean all the debri off the roadway so we could open it. Then yesterday was supposed to be the day that the state observed NYD so we were supposed to be off. Nope. Had to go to work again for 6 hours to fix a levee that was getting ready to give way. Tomorrow I will be working a really long shift again due to the tides. I will work from 7 in the morning (normal time) till about 10:30 at night. The water has been going over the highway at hi tide since Fri. night. So it will be my turn to close the road and clean it again tomorrow night.

For those of you keeping track last Fri. was supposed to be my first appointment with the shrink. Unfortunately I had to cancel the appointment. Because of the storms and high water that was predicted on the river I had to start work at 5 in the morning to pick up some equipment. I'm the only person in my yard that is licensed to drive a semi truck. So had to go to the bay area to pick up the semi then go towards Monterey to pick up a grader. Didn't get off work till 4:30 that night. I've just been a working 'Mo 'Fo the past few days. Since Fri. I've had 19 hours of ot. Plus at least 7 hours tomorrow. The checks will be nice but I don't like being married to my job. Any hoo. I told my boss that I he better be kissing my ass big time. First I canceled my shrink appointment for him, then I came home early from hunting for him. He asked if the shrink appointment was for anger management. I said yes it was. He said well you're handling it quite nicely. The anger in me wanted to tell him to blow me. But I bit my tongue. Instead I told him that now he can't say I have a bad attitude at work. He ignored that.

So this brings us to the title of this post. It seems that the depression is settling back in. For the last 2 days I have just been real moody, upset, pissed off at who knows what, felling like I want to be alone, stressed out, I take anything someone says to me as a personal attack, and a whole lot of other negative thoughts. I'm snapping at the littlest things and don't know why. And now I have to wait until the 20th of this month to see someone. The only thing that makes me feel any better is to hug Summer. Just being in her arms makes things feel better. Unfortunately it don't last long. Every time I try to hold her the youngest starts his attitude and she leaves. Which makes me more pissed and upset. What is wrong with me? I'm back to where I can't sleep at night anymore. I think the longest that I have slept since Thur. night is about 4 hours. The rest of the time I am tossing and turning. Plus the fact that the last week or so we have not been letting the youngest in our room at night. And I have not been letting Summer sleep in his bed when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Which means he screams. A lot. Loud. Long. Then he stops. And when we get up in the morning he is in his brothers bed. At this point that is fine with me. At least he is not in my bed. But the screaming is getting out of control at night. And it goes on for a long time. Every night. I just want to get away for a few days with Summer without the kids so we can just sleep. I don't want sex or anything else. I just want to be in her arms and sleep. Uninterrupted.
The other thing with my little emotional set back is that I have been thinking a lot of things that I just don't feel comfortable sharing. Even with people I don't see, and only see me as an anonymous person. I don't feel comfortable even thinking these thoughts. No I'm not thinking about the big S. Just thoughts about life's decisions. Any ways I'm just not in a good place at the moment. I just want these thoughts to end so I can be happy with my family.

Monday, January 02, 2006

My first tag!

A few days I was tagged by Michael. I had to go out of town (ie hunting) so I was unable to answer at the time. Well now I'm home and am ready to answer.

You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?
To be the husband and man that Summer needs me to be.

Wish for 6 more wishes.
1. To find out why I go through these anger, mad at the world stages.
2. A blogger convention. I had to steal this one from Michael. It sounds like a good idea. But then again the anonymity would be gone.
3. To stop being a procastinator.
4. I'd wish for money but that won't really bring me happiness.
5. I wish my son would sleep alone!
6. To be able to get a private tutor for my oldest son.

What animal would you be?
I would be a black lab. That way hunting would be expected of me from my boss.

Something you want to do in your life:
I want to go to Alaska to go big game hunting, and Canada to hunt geese.

One song you could listen to over and over again:
Bat Country by Avenged sevenfold

Coke or Pepsi?
Neither. Not enough caffeine. I prefer Mt. Dew.

Something you currently desire:
Hot monkey sex!

One good deed you've done lately:
Not sure

A funny moment in your life:
My mind is blank at the moment.

IÂ’m supposed to tag five other people now so here goes:

Summer Rose (bet you couldn't see that coming)

I know I'm supposed to tag 5 but I think the rest of you have already been tagged.

To those that I have just tagged just copy and paste the above and putt your answers in your own post.