It's starting again

So the pictures to the left here depicts what I came home to on Sun. afternoon. I was supposed to be on a 3 day hunting trip with my uncle, (and a day with my dad) but my boss called me at around noon on Sun. and asked me to come home early due to all the flooding in my home town. So I came home early so that I could get a little extra cash. Ended up working 8 hours on New Years Day (NYD). Good thing that to me NYD is just another day. Anyways I had to come home to close down a highway because there was up to 2 feet of water over the top of it in places. Then when the tide went out I had to use the front loader to clean all the debri off the roadway so we could open it. Then yesterday was supposed to be the day that the state observed NYD so we were supposed to be off. Nope. Had to go to work again for 6 hours to fix a levee that was getting ready to give way. Tomorrow I will be working a really long shift again due to the tides. I will work from 7 in the morning (normal time) till about 10:30 at night. The water has been going over the highway at hi tide since Fri. night. So it will be my turn to close the road and clean it again tomorrow night.


For those of you keeping track last Fri. was supposed to be my first appointment with the shrink. Unfortunately I had to cancel the appointment. Because of the storms and high water that was predicted on the river I had to start work at 5 in the morning to pick up some equipment. I'm the only person in my yard that is licensed to drive a semi truck. So had to go to the bay area to pick up the semi then go towards Monterey to pick up a grader. Didn't get off work till 4:30 that night. I've just been a working 'Mo 'Fo the past few days. Since Fri. I've had 19 hours of ot. Plus at least 7 hours tomorrow. The checks will be nice but I don't like being married to my job. Any hoo. I told my boss that I he better be kissing my ass big time. First I canceled my shrink appointment for him, then I came home early from hunting for him. He asked if the shrink appointment was for anger management. I said yes it was. He said well you're handling it quite nicely. The anger in me wanted to tell him to blow me. But I bit my tongue. Instead I told him that now he can't say I have a bad attitude at work. He ignored that.

So this brings us to the title of this post. It seems that the depression is settling back in. For the last 2 days I have just been real moody, upset, pissed off at who knows what, felling like I want to be alone, stressed out, I take anything someone says to me as a personal attack, and a whole lot of other negative thoughts. I'm snapping at the littlest things and don't know why. And now I have to wait until the 20th of this month to see someone. The only thing that makes me feel any better is to hug Summer. Just being in her arms makes things feel better. Unfortunately it don't last long. Every time I try to hold her the youngest starts his attitude and she leaves. Which makes me more pissed and upset. What is wrong with me? I'm back to where I can't sleep at night anymore. I think the longest that I have slept since Thur. night is about 4 hours. The rest of the time I am tossing and turning. Plus the fact that the last week or so we have not been letting the youngest in our room at night. And I have not been letting Summer sleep in his bed when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Which means he screams. A lot. Loud. Long. Then he stops. And when we get up in the morning he is in his brothers bed. At this point that is fine with me. At least he is not in my bed. But the screaming is getting out of control at night. And it goes on for a long time. Every night. I just want to get away for a few days with Summer without the kids so we can just sleep. I don't want sex or anything else. I just want to be in her arms and sleep. Uninterrupted.
The other thing with my little emotional set back is that I have been thinking a lot of things that I just don't feel comfortable sharing. Even with people I don't see, and only see me as an anonymous person. I don't feel comfortable even thinking these thoughts. No I'm not thinking about the big S. Just thoughts about life's decisions. Any ways I'm just not in a good place at the moment. I just want these thoughts to end so I can be happy with my family.