Friday, February 24, 2006

On to a happy note

I think that today I will go away from the downer posts of late. I have some happy things to report tonight.
Last weekend we finally bought our laptop computer and router. Plus a few things to make the home computer a little more user friendly.
Let me just say that being able to have both Summer and I online at the same time is a very happy thing. We can both look at our favorite blogs at the same time. The other plus side is that we can IM each other and do some flirting online (like we are doing now :D )
The addition of the wireless mouse and keyboard has also helped in our together time. Now we can sit at the computer together and type comments in comfort.

The biggest thing that I am happy about the last few days is that my lovely wife is being more vocal with me. She is talking to me a little more. But more importantly is that she is being more playful with me. She's being more huggy with me and that is a real confidence booster for me. It makes me feel better about myself when she just comes from nowhere and says that I'm sexy, or that she loves me and then kisses and hugs me without me prompting.
Outside of a small set back yesterday this truly has been a good week.

So I just wanted to let you all know that things aren't always gloomy in the confused household. They do get to be quite happy at times.

The downside to being on messenger together is that we were up till after midnight the other night chatting. But the lack of sleep was well worth it.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Molestation II

The last post was a little bit out of the ordinary for me to write. But I received quite a bit of feedback from it. It always surprises me to find out how many people have been molested by a family member.  
I have never really considered myself to be a survivor. I guess mainly because I just felt that it was just another label. I’m not saying that that is a bad thing. Just that I have never seen it that way.
Up until now I have only told a VERY few amount of people in my life about what happened to me. Those would be, my parents, Summer, and the whole WWW. (My sister too but she don’t count as being someone I told because she was involved in it from the beginning.) Summer and I discussed it before we got married. Just not as much into detail as I explained here. But in a way I told her some more detail about what happened than I have told all of you. She knows the specific details about what he did to us, just not the part about how I felt about it. Just like I know about what has happened to her in her past. I won’t go into detail about her past though. That is her place to tell. Not mine.
Here is the problem with what has happened in her past that makes things harder for me to deal with now. After me knowing about what has happened to her as a child, it makes what I did to her as an adult worse.
I was supposed to be someone that she could trust. A support system for her if you will. She has had trust issues with men from her childhood. What I did to her was make it hard for her to trust me again. I took her trust and faith in me and destroyed it.
All that is left for me to do now is to do my best to regain her trust and never lose it again.
Before I can regain her trust though I need to learn how to trust myself. I realized that I have a hard time trusting someone. The other thing to that is that once I do trust someone I will let them walk all over me for long periods of time before I say enough is enough. So those are things that I need to do for myself. I also need to learn to trust myself before I can learn to trust anyone else.
I think that now that I have reopened these memories I have something solid to go on for my next therapy appointment.
It has been years since I have thought about what my cousin has done to us. In fact the last time that I thought about it was when my sister was arrested for crack. She told my mom that she was doing these drugs because she wanted to die, but was too afraid to actually outright do it. She wanted to die because of what our cousin did to us. She had wanted to die for years. When my mom told me that all the feelings rushed back to me. The memories just didn’t stick around to long. That was also a few months prior to the funeral when we saw my cousin. Even though I am the one guilty of being the first to introduce my sister to meth I still feel that if he hadn’t done what he did neither of us would have ended up the way we are. But that could just be me looking for a scape goat.
I guess the biggest thing that needs to be gotten out of this post is that other people get something out of it. Also if you are in a situation like I was or have been in a situation like it in the past to let someone know about it. My sister and I waited until we were adults to say something. It only stopped when we moves away to the bay area. Until recently I thought that I was doing a pretty good job of dealing with it. But now I think I have been wrong about it for all these years.

Monday, February 20, 2006

A little deeper insight into who I am

Well I'm going to go out on a limb here and really open myself up to you all. Digger over at Reality and Redemption has come up with an interesting topic today. So to start off with I'd like to quote part of his post.

"No, we haven't talked about it. Some of you would probably want to talk to the person who was sexually abusing you. But I suspect that most people who were victims of this would NOT want to talk about it with anyone. And an abuser would not want to talk about it either. It becomes a dirty little secret between the victim and the molester. Many of you have been victims of serious misuse."

This might take awhile to get out so bear with me. I'm going to take the round about way.

My therapist keeps asking me why I have all these negative thoughts about myself. Because I tell him that Summer deserves better than me. I always reply back that I have no clue as to why I do this. I'm always putting myself down.
Well after reading this exert from Digger's post something hit me. When I was around 10 or so my sister and I were molested by our cousin. My sister was 2 years younger than me. He was about 16 or 17 at the time. It actually went on for over a year. This same cousin was the ring bearer at my parents wedding. I won't go into detail about what he did to us. I don't think that is important to know about. Let's just say that it really effected us both. It's the main reason my sister turned to drugs and was on the harder drugs. She wanted to die.
Now here is the thing that touches on the post that Digger wrote. When he said "But I suspect that most people who were victims of this would NOT want to talk about it with anyone." That part rang so true to me. My sister and I finally told our parents about what had happened after I was out of high school. We never talked about it to even between the two of us. A few years ago I had the opportunity to confront this cousin at a funeral that we both attended. I was SO looking forward to seeing him and telling him off. But when the time came I chickened out. It was not because of where we were at, but because the old fears came rushing back.
My dad did not chicken out though. After the funeral we all went to a pizza place for pizza and LOTS of beer. On the way in my dad and cousin were the last ones to enter the place. Cousin held the door open for my dad and held out his hand to shake with my dad. My dad in return said "Don't offer to shake my hand. My wife and I know what you did to our kids. If you ever come near them or any of the family again we'll let the whole family know, and you'll be a dead man". Cousin closed the door and he has not been seen since then. That was 3.5 years ago.

So here is where the guilt comes in. At the time I never new what molestation was. We lived in a little Northern California town. The population was about 80 people. I had to ride the bus an hour each way just to get to school. So we didn't know what rape was, or gangs or any of that crap associated with living in the city. So by not knowing about it we never told anyone. The part that is even worse is that after he was done with me I was forced to watch him with my sister. So there is a lot of guilt tied up in that. I never did anything to stop him from hurting my sister. I was her older brother. The one that is supposed to be looking out for her. So that is where all of the self hating and low esteem comes from. I feel like I don't deserve to be loves by my wife because of my past. I guess we all have our scars.

That early experience in my life has also done other things to me as well. When I was just starting to notice my sexuality I thought that because of what happened and that I LET it happen that I was homosexual. So I had a few "experiences" in my early years. Although they were quite pleasing and fun they were not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Sometimes I do still wonder though.

So in closing I would like to be able to face my molester and had the chance to do so. But I really think that it is better that I did chicken out. With my temper it would have landed me in jail.

An open letter to Summer Rose

I know that I fucked up big time in our marriage over the last 12 years. But over the last two years I have tried to make big changes in my attitude. I'm doing the things that I have said that I would do but always seemed to put off in the past. The biggest of those is going to see a therapist. Which is getting harder now because he booked up until the middle of March, and my dick head boss is getting mad at me for taking time off work to go to my appointments. And he's one of the people that told me I needed to find out what is going on in my head.
Well I've got news for you Asshole! It's my time to take off as I please. I earned the vacation and sick leave and comp time. I'll whenever I want and however I want. Just be glad that I only take off the time necessary to do the appointment and come back to work. I could always take the whole day off.

So anyways to the topic I came to talk about. Got side tracked for a moment.
It seems almost impossible for you and I to have a conversation anymore. Mainly because of the things that I have done in the past.
I know that I hurt you.
I know that I was driving you away.
I know that I wasn't the model husband.
I know that I have caused a lot of wounds that will take time to heal.

But when will we be able to do something positive for each other? I want so much to be able to talk to you like adults. I want to have a real conversation with you. I want to have a conversation where we both talk to each other. We both share our feelings and thoughts.
But we can't seem to have those conversations because you won't let me live down my mistakes. Everytime I try to talk to you, I can see you start to shut down. Your eyes glaze over and you get a far off look on your face. You just stare off into space. It don't matter what I say or how I say it. I might as well start yelling at you again. I'd get the same response from you. I'm not doing that though. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. If I start to get upset I tell you. I don't yell at you. If I get mad I tell you. If I get mad at someone else when I'm talking to you and my voice gets louder I'm becoming aware of it now. And I tell you who it is that I'm mad at. Just to make sure you know that it is not you that I'm raising my voice too.
But it don't do any good.
As soon as I try to you, you get this look on your face like I'm still yelling at you. That's all you see in me anymore. To you I'm still some big monster. Does it even matter to you that I have made these changes? Do you even notice or care? It has been 4 days since my last appointment and you won't talk to me about it. (Except in the line at a buffet restaurant. Not a place I feel comfortable talking about it.)
This is so frustrating. I have everything in my mind that I want to say but it won't come out right.

You keep telling me that you love me and that you have forgiven me for what
I have done to you. But in the same conversation you will shut me out because all you hear in me is yelling.
Yes I know that I am the one who put us in that situation. And I don't expect you to forget what I have done. But what I would like is for to STOP throwing it my face everytime I try to talk to you.
Or if something is bothering you and you make it completely obvious that something is wrong then talk to me about it. Don't tell me that nothing is wrong and then tell me to leave the room. That's why I'm here writing this to you instead of talking to you about it. There is something wrong and instead of telling me about it you kick me out of OUR bedroom.

So here is a question for you that my therapist keeps asking me. I tell him that you still have thoughts about leaving me. I told him that back in June I found out that you had even applied for an apartment. (That was during the 2 month period that I stopped blogging.) But he says "Well she's still with you isn't she? Why do you think that is? She must be there for a reason." And that is the question for you. Why is it that you are here? If you won't talk to me, or share you feelings, or share your dreams and wants and needs with me, then why are you here?
You tell me that you love me but it's not the same as it used to be. So what does that mean?
You say you love me but your not 'in love' with me. What does that mean?
Where do you see us in 2 years? How bout in 5 or 10 years?
Are we even having a marriage together or are we just going through the motions?
Are you just sticking it out with me until the kids get older?
Do we just have different ideas of what a marriage should be? If so wouldn't it be helpful to talk about it?
These are things that I really need to know.
I need to know if we still have a future together.
I love you with all my heart. Always have and always will. Even though I'm being told it's wrong to feel this way, you are my whole world. You mean everything to me. I'm really trying to make things better for us and the kids. I just need to know sometimes if it is doing any good or not. There are some things that I need your help with. I can't do this alone. I'm asking for your help.
I love you!

Friday, February 17, 2006

A short update

I don't have much time to update tonight. I've been helping my parents move today. It's getting late and I need to get back over early in the morning to help some more.

So you all know how my V-day went. Summer and I didn't talk to each other until after I came home from work on Wed. by that time we talked a little bit, took a shower, had fun in the shower, and went to get the ring sized. Mainly she said that she was upset because she did not buy me anything for V-day and because my b-day gift had not been shipped to me yet. I told her that did not matter much to me anyways. To me V-day gifts are more for women than men anyways. So everything is fine on that front.

Went to see the shrink again today. We figured out why I have always been the way that I am with Summer in the past. Because I have always felt that I was not good enough for her. So I would do the things I did to give a reason to leave and be with somone else that she deserved to be with. So now we are trying to find out why I have all these thoughts in my head. The ones that are always dragging me down.

Well that is going to be all for tonight. I need a shower and sleep. I hate moving. If only I new of a good massage therapist to go to. That way I could get my back and feet worked on so I won't feel so bad. ;-D

Good Night!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Well how was your day?

So how was everyone's Valentines Day? Mine wasn't to good. I think that I'm pretty much done with it for good. No more presents, cards, flowers, or any of that other crappy bull shit.

I was SO excited about V-day while I was at work today. I couldn't wait to come home and give Summer her present. I was so excited that I almost gave it to her last night.

What a waste of anticipation that turned out to be.

So what did I give the love of my life? The woman that means everything to me and gives my life meaning. I bought her a diamond bridal set. Nothing fancy as I could not afford a nice engagement ring and wedding band like I bought her over 12 years ago. But I got her what I could pay cash for. It was a diamond engagement ring with 4 diamonds channeled in it and a wedding band that has about 6 diamonds channeled in it.

While I was at work I bought her 3 roses. Came home and got her card out of hiding, put the rings in the stuffed animal that I got to hide it in, and presented everything to her.

How did she react you might ask? Well I'll tell you. She got MAD at me. She got mad at me for spending the money. Mad at me because she didn't get me a v-day gift. Mad because I bought her a wedding ring. (Which she new that I wanted to get for her for the last 5 years since her original disappeared.)

I don't care that she didn't get me a v-day gift. That's fine. She did get me a b-day gift. It just won't be here until Fri. sometime. We had the money to spend. Our credit cards are paid off. I did not charge it. I paid CASH!

I did not buy it for her to get sex from her.
I did not buy it to get a gift in return from her.
I did not buy it because I felt obligated to.

I bought it simply for the reason that I love her.
I bought it because to me wedding ring is an important part of marriage. I'm not sure why but it is. It may go back to what FTN had to say in his post today. My grandfather died of alzheimers in 1983. To this day my Grandmother still wears her wedding ring. Because it is a huge part of marriage and love.

So now that I have given her her gift we have hardly spoken to each other the rest of the day. I got home from work at 3:30. It's now after 9:00 and we have spoken maybe 20 words to each other.

She tells me that she loves me.
In my head I say how? How can you love me and not want to wear a wedding ring?

She just looks at me and says nothing. When she did speak to me an hour ago it was with a rotten tone of voice biting my head off for nothing.

So now I don't know what to think. Does she really love me? Should I take the ring back to the store? How damn embarrassing is that going to be? Should I just let it sit in a drawer and collect dust? Or should I take this as a sign that she don't love me, and don't want to be married to me?

I just feel like shit right now. I'm sick to my stomach. I hurt.

So this is why next year and all years to follow I'm just going to say FUCK YOU to Valentines Day. It's not worth the trouble or heartache.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Post #100!!!!!!!!

Well here it is. My 100th post. I wanted to do something for this post but alas I couldn't think of anything original.

Anyways tomorrow is my 32nd birthday. AND it's a state holiday so I don't have to deal with the ass holes that I work with. I've got a 3 day weekend this weekend and next weekend. Not doing anything for my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to try making something new. A cherry crisp desert. I know. I've got nothin here.
Then there's Valentines day on Tue. I truly can not wait until Tue. I got Summer a great gift. But can't tell you what it is until Wed. She keeps asking me what I got her.

Well here's a blast from the past. I'm going to do a little bitching here. It may make me sound like an ass here but it's just how I'm feeling at the moment. The other day Summer's friend called up and had a major problem with her DH and DD. Now I understand that friends are supposed to be there for each other. That's not the issue. The problem arises when she has spent more time talking to her on the phone than she has to me in person. I'm starting to feel like the only way to get her to talk to me even when we are in the same house is to call her on the phone. I even mentioned that to her. But it was like I was talking to myself. Yesterday she was on the phone with her more times than I could keep track of. Plus there's the leaving after dinner and not coming home till almost midnight. After she spent most of the time since I get home from work on the phone with her.
the other thing is that now all of a sudden ALL men do the things that her friends husband did. Now I'm not stupid enough to do what her did. That thing would never even cross my mind as something to do. As to what happened I'll leave that to Summer to post if she wishes to do so.
Like I said I know I sound like a complete ass but I just needed to vent a little bit here.

So today we got out of the house and did something as a family. Originally we were going to go to Pt. Reyes for the day. But we never made it. Summer and I stayed in bed to long this morning so we didn't leave until almost noon. We ended up going to the lake instead. Had a picnic lunch and let the kids throw rocks for awhile.We had a pretty good time. The kids really enjoyed throwing rocks in the water. Next time we go up there though Summer and I need to have our fishing licenses. The kids really wanted to go fishing put we haven't bought our licenses yet. We also decided that the next time we decide to go somewhere for a day trip we need to make the plans ahead of time. We didn't make up our minds until after 9:00 this morning. That's what made us not go to the coast. So next time we will make up our minds the night before so we can get out of bed earlier. You know the really sickening thing? (Well not that sickening but it is why we didn't make the coast) I was awake at 5:30 this morning. I was just enjoying being in bed with Summer so I didn't want to get up.

*****Note: Pictured here is the always beautiful Summer Rose (wearing my favorite jeans), with our 2 boys throwing rocks in the lake. ******

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I've been a bad Blogger

I've been having a hard time trying to get time to post anything on here lately. It's not for lack of things to say but rather a lack of time to say things in.

Things have been going so-so the last few weeks. I went to the psychiatrist appointment last week on Fri. Summer and I are finally starting to get over the colds that we had. But the biggest issue is our youngest son. As Summer posted in this post we put our youngest son on medication for ADD/ADHD. He is taking a med called Concerta (or Methylphenidate (yes it is a Methamphetamine)). The med seems to be doing it's job but it has been taking it's toll on Summer and myself. Neither of us wanted to put him on medication. So along with the meds we told the Dr. that we wanted more than that. So we are having him see a counselor starting next month. His Dr. is also setting us up with a specialist who deals with kids with ADD/ADHD.
His teachers are seeing an improvement in him at school and we are seeing an improvement in him at home as well. He don't throw as many tantrums as before and he listens better. But he don't want to sleep at night anymore now. We had finally gotten him out of our room for about 2 weeks. Then he went on the meds and right back he came. The sleeplessness comes from the meth in the med. We are asking that if anyone has experience with this medication or with ADD/ADHD please feel free to email me with any info you have.

So as I said in a comment over at Unsolicited Advice Summer is not taking the fact that youngest son is on meds. She keeps crying at night about it and asking what she has done wrong that our son needs to be on this medication. I really feel helpless right now with her. I hate to see her this way. There is nothing that she has done. She has been a great mom for our boys. For some reason some things just happen. It has nothing to do with what she has done. I really want to see her happy again. So in trying to do that I emailed my cousin last night that has the cabin in Tahoe we went to back in Aug. We're going to try and get the cabin again next month for a few days to just get away from reality for awhile. Maybe being up in the snow and away from the modern amentities will do us some good. No phones, no TV, no computer's, no traffic. The great getaway place.

I'm going to go ahead and end this here for now. Maybe later tonight I'll post about how my appointment went on Fri.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

I've been PUNKED!

Well recently I have been punked by over by Digger over at Reality and Redemption. So here's what I'm supposed to do ----List 5 imperfections that you find annoying but could or have learned to live with. These are NOT deal breakers but they are irritating and annoying. But if your 8 perfect characteristics were met, you could learn to put up with these.

Pass this on to 5 people. Preferably those with impossibly high standards.

Now I'm going to play along here. But in order to keep the piece in my household I'm not going to reveal to you whether these are things that I deal with or that I wouldn't want no matter who I was with. (Hope that made sense, I'm all medicated at the moment. :-D )

First off I can't be with a woman that is overly concerned with her physical features. I mean she should take care of herself and all that. What I'm talking about are the woman who feel that their self worth comes from their breasts. Or if they have had children and think that they are ugly because of the stretch marks. Or think that they are unattractive because they're breasts are to big and they want a reduction. If you want to be with me you need to be happy with the skin that you are in. No need for plastic surgery or any of that B.S.

A person that is constantly late is not going to fair to well with me. If we are supposed to be somewhere at 5:30, and it takes 30 minutes to drive there don't wait until 4:30 to start getting yourself all done up with the hair and makeup. I can't stand to be late for anything. If I'm 10 minutes early, that means I'm late by my standards. That comes from my being in the Army.

Closed mindedness is also a deal breaker for me. I want someone that will be open to new ideas and new experiences. I like to experience all sorts of new things. But if someone is always saying "No" it takes the fun out of having someone to share the experience with. Especially in the bedroom. I'm not talking S&M or shit like that. But Hot wild monkey love every once in a while would be nice. You know throw in something new every now and then. Let's try role playing, or let's try incorporating some toys in the bedroom.

Someone that keeps all their thoughts to themselves is not going to make it with me either. I love to talk about things. One of my biggest triggers is someone who will not say anything during a conversation. If person A asks person B a simple question like what's for dinner? And person B just states at the ceiling that's a huge trigger. To me that is rude and disrespectful.

Lastly if someone don't get the things that I am into. Like my preferences in movies. I LOVE satire type movies. Airplane!, Space Balls, The Naked Gun, The History of the World PartI. Those movies keep me rolling on the floor from start to finish. But when someone refuses to sit and watch those movies with me because they are "stupid and immature" it makes me feel stupid and immature. Especially when I sit through sappy girlie movies. Like Steele Magnolias, and Erin Brokovich. IF you don't get my sense of humor that's fine. But if you expect me to sit through a sappy love story than be prepared to sit through a stupid comedy. (Right now I'm laughing my ass off just thinking about Airplane!)

I'll even throw in a bonus.
Dishonesty. I can't be with someone that is a constant liar. Or a person that has been caught in a HUGE lie. I'm open to many things. As long as my partner is open and honest with me about what she wants. Or the biggest thing on honesty if there is something that will make a huge impact on my life that involves you and me then tell me about it. Don't let me hear about it through the grapevine.

So there you have it. My 5 traits that annoy me but I'm willing to live with. Some of them deal directly with Summer. Others came from past relationships. I'm trying to keep the piece here remember?
So now I need to tag 5 other people. That might be tough to come up with. But I'll try.
1)Summer Rose


3)Daddy's Little Girl

4)Lisa (if she is even around anymore)
I think that should do it for now. The meds are really starting to kick in so I can't think straight any more.

But I do need to post another update sometime tomorrow and go over the latest shrink appointment. This time it went a LOT better than the last one. I was even upset when it was over because the hour seemed to go by so fast. It seemed like I had just sat down and it was over.
Till next time!