I know that I fucked up big time in our marriage over the last 12 years. But over the last two years I have tried to make big changes in my attitude. I'm doing the things that I have said that I would do but always seemed to put off in the past. The biggest of those is going to see a therapist. Which is getting harder now because he booked up until the middle of March, and my dick head boss is getting mad at me for taking time off work to go to my appointments. And he's one of the people that told me I needed to find out what is going on in my head.
Well I've got news for you Asshole! It's my time to take off as I please. I earned the vacation and sick leave and comp time. I'll whenever I want and however I want. Just be glad that I only take off the time necessary to do the appointment and come back to work. I could always take the whole day off.
So anyways to the topic I came to talk about. Got side tracked for a moment.
It seems almost impossible for you and I to have a conversation anymore. Mainly because of the things that I have done in the past.
I know that I hurt you.
I know that I was driving you away.
I know that I wasn't the model husband.
I know that I have caused a lot of wounds that will take time to heal.
But when will we be able to do something positive for each other? I want so much to be able to talk to you like adults. I want to have a real conversation with you. I want to have a conversation where we both talk to each other. We both share our feelings and thoughts.
But we can't seem to have those conversations because you won't let me live down my mistakes. Everytime I try to talk to you, I can see you start to shut down. Your eyes glaze over and you get a far off look on your face. You just stare off into space. It don't matter what I say or how I say it. I might as well start yelling at you again. I'd get the same response from you. I'm not doing that though. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. If I start to get upset I tell you. I don't yell at you. If I get mad I tell you. If I get mad at someone else when I'm talking to you and my voice gets louder I'm becoming aware of it now. And I tell you who it is that I'm mad at. Just to make sure you know that it is not you that I'm raising my voice too.
But it don't do any good.
As soon as I try to you, you get this look on your face like I'm still yelling at you. That's all you see in me anymore. To you I'm still some big monster. Does it even matter to you that I have made these changes? Do you even notice or care? It has been 4 days since my last appointment and you won't talk to me about it. (Except in the line at a buffet restaurant. Not a place I feel comfortable talking about it.)
This is so frustrating. I have everything in my mind that I want to say but it won't come out right.
You keep telling me that you love me and that you have forgiven me for what
I have done to you. But in the same conversation you will shut me out because all you hear in me is yelling.
Yes I know that I am the one who put us in that situation. And I don't expect you to forget what I have done. But what I would like is for to STOP throwing it my face everytime I try to talk to you.
Or if something is bothering you and you make it completely obvious that something is wrong then talk to me about it. Don't tell me that nothing is wrong and then tell me to leave the room. That's why I'm here writing this to you instead of talking to you about it. There is something wrong and instead of telling me about it you kick me out of OUR bedroom.
So here is a question for you that my therapist keeps asking me. I tell him that you still have thoughts about leaving me. I told him that back in June I found out that you had even applied for an apartment. (That was during the 2 month period that I stopped blogging.) But he says "Well she's still with you isn't she? Why do you think that is? She must be there for a reason." And that is the question for you. Why is it that you are here? If you won't talk to me, or share you feelings, or share your dreams and wants and needs with me, then why are you here?
You tell me that you love me but it's not the same as it used to be. So what does that mean?
You say you love me but your not 'in love' with me. What does that mean?
Where do you see us in 2 years? How bout in 5 or 10 years?
Are we even having a marriage together or are we just going through the motions?
Are you just sticking it out with me until the kids get older?
Do we just have different ideas of what a marriage should be? If so wouldn't it be helpful to talk about it?
These are things that I really need to know.
I need to know if we still have a future together.
I love you with all my heart. Always have and always will. Even though I'm being told it's wrong to feel this way, you are my whole world. You mean everything to me. I'm really trying to make things better for us and the kids. I just need to know sometimes if it is doing any good or not. There are some things that I need your help with. I can't do this alone. I'm asking for your help.
I love you!
Jeremy
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