Molestation II

The last post was a little bit out of the ordinary for me to write. But I received quite a bit of feedback from it. It always surprises me to find out how many people have been molested by a family member.  
I have never really considered myself to be a survivor. I guess mainly because I just felt that it was just another label. I’m not saying that that is a bad thing. Just that I have never seen it that way.
Up until now I have only told a VERY few amount of people in my life about what happened to me. Those would be, my parents, Summer, and the whole WWW. (My sister too but she don’t count as being someone I told because she was involved in it from the beginning.) Summer and I discussed it before we got married. Just not as much into detail as I explained here. But in a way I told her some more detail about what happened than I have told all of you. She knows the specific details about what he did to us, just not the part about how I felt about it. Just like I know about what has happened to her in her past. I won’t go into detail about her past though. That is her place to tell. Not mine.
Here is the problem with what has happened in her past that makes things harder for me to deal with now. After me knowing about what has happened to her as a child, it makes what I did to her as an adult worse.
I was supposed to be someone that she could trust. A support system for her if you will. She has had trust issues with men from her childhood. What I did to her was make it hard for her to trust me again. I took her trust and faith in me and destroyed it.
All that is left for me to do now is to do my best to regain her trust and never lose it again.
Before I can regain her trust though I need to learn how to trust myself. I realized that I have a hard time trusting someone. The other thing to that is that once I do trust someone I will let them walk all over me for long periods of time before I say enough is enough. So those are things that I need to do for myself. I also need to learn to trust myself before I can learn to trust anyone else.
I think that now that I have reopened these memories I have something solid to go on for my next therapy appointment.
It has been years since I have thought about what my cousin has done to us. In fact the last time that I thought about it was when my sister was arrested for crack. She told my mom that she was doing these drugs because she wanted to die, but was too afraid to actually outright do it. She wanted to die because of what our cousin did to us. She had wanted to die for years. When my mom told me that all the feelings rushed back to me. The memories just didn’t stick around to long. That was also a few months prior to the funeral when we saw my cousin. Even though I am the one guilty of being the first to introduce my sister to meth I still feel that if he hadn’t done what he did neither of us would have ended up the way we are. But that could just be me looking for a scape goat.
I guess the biggest thing that needs to be gotten out of this post is that other people get something out of it. Also if you are in a situation like I was or have been in a situation like it in the past to let someone know about it. My sister and I waited until we were adults to say something. It only stopped when we moves away to the bay area. Until recently I thought that I was doing a pretty good job of dealing with it. But now I think I have been wrong about it for all these years.