tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-121647382024-03-13T04:48:54.564-07:00My Journey of Self DiscoveryThat is self discovery people NOT self love. ;)
Follow along with me if you will and see how a man that has made many mistakes in life tries to figure out how to let the past be just that. The past.Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.comBlogger378125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-53072529538586169712021-03-01T13:44:00.000-08:002021-03-01T13:44:47.813-08:00Finaly caught up
<p>…………..I walked in the door and the flowers I saw the day
before were still there on the table. I put my duffle bag in the bedroom and
put the dog’s bed where it belonged in the living room. Summer was in the
laundry room (if memory serves correct this was a few months ago. Some details
are a little hazy, others are clear as a bell). I then went to the computer to
look at the checking account. I just looked blankly at the screen not really
seeing it. I was flooding with emotions being home. Anger, confusion, sickness,
sadness, confusion, love, hate, I think if there was an emotion to feel I was
feeling it.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>She
came out and the dog was super excited to see her. She said her hellos to our
dog and came to the computer desk. She asked me if I was going to even say
hello to her. I responded that I was doing as directed and staying out of her
way. She then hugged me and started crying. She said that she missed me. I
hugged her back and holding her again felt so good. As hurt and betrayed I felt
I still loved her.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I don’t
know how it happened, but we ended up in the bedroom and just sat on the bed
talking. Apparently, the flowers came from our neighbor. She had texted him a
few days ago and asked if she could pick some of his roses from the yard. The
next day he bought her the flowers the next day. (I know this because later I
looked at her phone.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said that he
got them for her because she was smiling more than he had ever seen her smile
since we moved in 3 years ago and wanted to keep her smiling.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>She was
shocked to see me with no hair on my head and all my facial hair gone too. She
asked why I did it. I told her why I did it and when. We talked about Mother
Hen and the incident with our older niece and my dad. We talked about what was
going on. Taking turns crying, being mad, hurting, etc. I kept asking for
details about her relationship with Douchebag and she kept lying to me. (I just
didn’t realize how much was lie and how much was truth for quite some time.) </p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">At some point we ended up naked and
we fucked each other for the first time in a few weeks. When we finished again,
we sat there and talked. Finally, we realized we had been in bed from about
1:30 to 8:00. We threw on some clothes, got in the van and drove to Sonic for a
late dinner. We came home about 9:00 or so and went back to bed. We stayed up
talking some more, we fucked again and went to sleep around 1:30 or 2:00. We
got up the next morning (Halloween) talked a bit and she made me breakfast.
After breakfast we went to Walmart and Costco to do our shopping. Came home and
talked some more.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
next day Summer went to work, and I was left alone in the house. I tried to get
into her iPad, but she changed the passcode. I cleaned the bedroom and did
laundry. Pretty much I just tried to do the best I could to keep my mind from
thinking about Summer sending naked pictures of herself to another man.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That is
about the time that my ED started up. That was in the first days of Nov. We are
now in the last days of Feb. and it is still here. Not as bad now as it was
back then though. I just have a difficult time staying hard. I want to have sex
with Summer. I can be hard if she is sucking me or playing with me, but as soon
as I go for penetration it would just go dead. My brain would just instantly
shut things down and they wouldn’t work. During the first month and a half or
so I was back Summer’s appetite for me was really increased and I just couldn’t
perform. If I could manage to stay hard enough for penetration I couldn’t
finish. I was only able to finish once out of every 4-5 times of trying. When I
was able to finish it wasn’t like it was before. There was barely anything
there.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I just
kept reading the words she wrote douchebag in her messages over and over again
in my head “he doesn’t last long enough. He doesn’t satisfy me in bed”. It
hurt. It fucked up my self-confidence big time. Still does, but not as much
now. At least now I can at least remain semi hard enough to stay penetrated. I
still have issues finishing though. Which I guess is making Summer happier
because I am lasting longer now.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>In our
discussions the following week I told her that I was not going to force her to
stop communicating with douchebag because that was a decision that she needed
to make on her own. She informed me that she had no intentions of stopping her
communications with him. She “loved” him, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to
stay married anymore. She had been unhappy in our marriage for the last 3 years
even before we bought our house. She didn’t know if she loved me anymore. She
wanted to “take it one day at a time”. I thought that was a crock of shit. Here
she was the one who cheated on me and now she thinks that she’s the one that
gets to call the fucking shots? She’s lucky I didn’t kick her ass out on the
streets (this is my thinking at the time this was happening not my feelings
now).</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>She
didn’t know if she still wanted to be married to me, if she loved me or not,
but she still wanted me to take her out duck hunting every weekend. She still
wanted to go shopping with me every payday. She was still communicating with
him but not as much.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then
the following Sun. I was home alone as she was at work. When I got out of bed
after another sleepless night I was sitting at the computer and her iPad dings.
It made the sound for Facebook Messenger going off. Then it happened again. And
again. I couldn’t see what was going on, but new that she was communicating
with douchebag. I walked to the counter to look at it, but the password was
changed. It went on for a few minutes. I finally texted her and told her that I
couldn’t stand listening to the dings. Her response you ask? “Turn it off and
you won’t need to hear it”. The fucking nerve! I just connected my phone to the
sound bar and blasted my music. Started working on cleaning the house for a bit
and went back to my sister’s house to clean her windows for her as a thank you
for letting me stay there.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That
night when we were both at home, she wouldn’t answer my questions about what
they were talking about. I looked at her phone and saw that she had erased all
of the messages going back to Dec. 2019. This pissed me off. She had promised
me that she would not erase any more messages and that she would let me look at
the messages between them. What does she do? She fucking erased them! I was
pissed and it started another argument that lasted quite a while. She kept
giving me different excuses for why she erased the messages. I didn’t care what
any of them were. They wouldn’t be good enough. They were all lies as far as I
was concerned.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So now
I’m going to switch gears. This is tearing me apart reliving all of these
memories. I’m going to try to just give a cliff notes version of the happenings
from that point to now. I’m sure that some of the stuff that I am going to list
here have been said already at some point. I’m not going to take the time to
re-read what I wrote though so I’m sorry of it’s a repeat.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>One Sunday I started reading her prayer journal.
I was looking at the recent entries from Oct. 2020 to Nov. 2020. Almost every
day she wrote to god praying for douchebag and his daughters. Thanking god for
bringing douchebag into her life. I started reading more. In Sept. she was
praying for god to let her out of the marriage. That was the first mention of
me in her prayers since Nov. 2019. That’s the point when she reconnected with
him and the messages started. In the beginning of Nov. 2019, she was praying
for both of us to continue doing good and to not lose our house when she was
having issues at work. Then in April 2020 she started praying for douchebag
every single entry.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>After I discovered the messages on her phone,
she completely stopped writing in her prayer journal. There were no entries
after Oct. 24, 2020. She has started writing in it again though in last few
weeks. I just haven’t looked anymore.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>For pretty much the month of Nov. my new morning
routine before work would be to look at her phone while she was in the bathroom
getting ready for work reading all messages she would send to her friends and
him. Then when I would get home from work, I would look at her iPad (I watched
her enter her passcode and memorized it).</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Summer told me that I was codependent and that
was a reason that she wanted out. I was putting too much pressure on her. She
wanted me to read Codependent no More. I started to read it.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>I talked to a coworker that went through this in
2015 with his wife. They divorced because she wanted to be with his at the time
best friend. I asked how I was supposed to get over this. We talked for a few
hours and he suggested that I read “The Love Dare”. I went home and bought it
from Amazon.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Summer saw me ordering the book and took an
attitude saying “You expect me to read another book?! No way! I’m done reading
books about this.”</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>On one of my iPad readings, I saw that she
messaged a friend about the book I had ordered. Apparently, she had told
another friend about it. Her response to friend I was reading was to “let him
humor himself”.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Another one of her whore friends told her good
for you for cheating on your husband if he wasn’t meeting your sexual needs.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>To this day I have never opened the book. I also
said fuck it and stopped reading the codependent book. Summer on the other hand
has read a bit of it, is re-reading The 5 Love Languages, and bought another
book that I can’t remember the name of at this moment.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>My weight dropped rapidly. In Oct. I weighed
close to 300 pounds. I am now going between 258 and 262 since about a week
prior to Christmas. That’s almost 50 pounds from Oct. 24 to roughly Dec. 18.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>One of the reasons she gave for cheating was
that he was more endowed than I am. She wanted someone that was bigger. So
along with me taking Sildenofil (generic Viagra) she had me get a penis pump to
see if it would do anything. We used it once and it now sits unused in the
drawer.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>One evening in Nov. she was washing dishes and I
was sitting on the counter waiting for dished to dry. We were having a good
conversation and out of the blue she says “I love you. Can I love you forever?”
I instantly started crying and told her not to say that. It hurt too much. The
evening went down from there.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>In early Nov. I went to my aunt and uncles in
Oregon with my parents and my sister. Driving up there was just like being a
kid. It was just the 4 of us and 4 dogs packed tight in a minivan with clothes
for a few days, dog box, Costco items since they don’t live close to a Costco,
and hunting supplies. My dad, uncle and I went pheasant hunting at Tule Lake
for opening day of the season. That night we were talking, and I started
talking about what was going on with Summer and I. My mom told me to change the
subject and talk about something else. It hurt and instead of vocalizing it I
shut down and just went downstairs and isolated myself.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Before the trip Summer said that she would send
me pictures and have conversation with me like she would with douchebag
(sexting). It never happened. I did find out by looking at her iPad that she
did message him and told him I was out of town though.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>On the last night there after stewing over what
my mom said for 2 days, I started to drink heavily. I had about 7-8 Not Your
Father’s Root Beer, and just about emptied a pint of Fireball. I got really
drunk. Started texting Summer about being upset about not following through
with what she said she’d do and told her what my mom said. She said that I have
her to talk to and that she cared. I was drunk and made some petty sar4castic
comments. Then I got on Facebook and posted that I was told to change the subject.
It felt like no one cares. I just didn’t say who said it. A few minutes later
my friend from High School messaged me and we messaged each other till 1 in the
morning when my stomach decided that it had enough. The next day a different
aunt sent me a message telling me that I need to tell the person who said that
to me exactly how I felt. I told her that I can’t because I had to share a
vehicle home with her and that I might need to stay at her place again in the
future. She figured out it was mom and said it would be better to not say it
then.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>During a bad day in Dec. on a Sunday while
Summer was at work, I did a search for douchebag on the internet. I found out
how old he was (53), where he lives and a phone number too. This was all on
people finder or something like that. I found out that he lives just a few
minutes from us in the same town. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
drive within a few blocks of his house every time we go shopping or out to
dinner. This pissed me off. It broke the rules we had together back when we
were both blogging heavily back in 2005-2006. We met people here that we ended
up sexting in private messages. The rules were we both need to know who the
other is doing things with, we had to share what we were doing and the most
important rules were it can’t become personal and the person can’t be within
easy distance to get to for it to get physical. This fucker was 10 minutes from
us.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>That night I confronted her about this. I asked
how old he was she said same age as us. I said no he’s 53. She asked how I found
out. She thought that I asked a coworker that may have known him. I just told
her I had my ways. I also found out he lives on “X” road. She immediately said
no he doesn’t. </p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">Really? How would you know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">She was silent for a while. </p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">I said there’s only one way to know that isn’t there. </p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">She said yes. </p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">So you lied to me and you have been to his house.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">Yes but only once. We just talked that was it. It was
back in Nov. last year.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.5in; mso-add-space: auto;">BULLSHIT!
How can you remember the street name like that only being there once? You can’t
remember what I say 5 minutes after I say it.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.0in;">I then showed her on my phone how
I found out and showed her a picture of his house. She didn’t say anything for
a while. I then pressed the issue. She said that yes she went to his house to
have sex with him, but he messaged her as she pulled up and told her to leave
because baby momma was dropping kids off and would be there anytime. I didn’t
believe her but dropped it.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>One night in late Nov. early Dec. we were having
a late-night conversation and we were talking about Mr. D and douchebag and her
ex-boyfriend from when we met. She started to smile then stopped and smiled
again. I asked what was so funny. She said she didn’t want to tell me because I
would think there was another time she cheated on me.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Apparently “a long time ago so it don’t matter”,
before she was sending douchebag pictures, when she had just started her
massage business, he was a client. After she gave him a massage, she gave him a
handjob. During the handjob he tried to reach his hand up her shirt. She swears
that at that point she packed her stuff and left. To be honest with my readers
I don’t believe her.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>This was during the period of our lives that we
were both blogging on here regularly, we were working through our issues with
Mr. D and we were supposed to be in a good place. However, to this day I am not
allowed to hug her, kiss her or touch her while I am on the massage table. She won’t
even have sex with me after a massage because it cheapens the massage. But
she’ll do that with him?! I mean what the FUCK! Back in the day she ripped a
fellow blogger Desperate Husband because he got a happy ending after a massage.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>The major turning point for both of us was Dec.
20. On that night I was drinking beers as usual. Summer had called in sick that
day because our hot water heater broke and she couldn’t take a shower. We had a
good day. We stayed in bed that morning and had some good adult type fun. That
night as I was cooking dinner, Summer went to my parents’ house to drop off a
shirt that she needed my mom to sew. While she was gone, I looked at her iPad.
She had sent douchebag a message on Fri. saying that she hoped he was having a
better week that her. I had thought we were having a good week together. She
had actually messaged him a few times in the last 3 weeks, but he hadn’t
responded to her at all. He had completely stopped communicating with her. It
was about the time we found out oldest niece was pregnant. I then saw that she
messaged another friend and said that I wasn’t being an adult when I posted on
Facebook that she was cheating on me and that now her best friend from
childhood wasn’t speaking to her.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>I lost it at that point. I went to the safe and
got my jar of weed and pipe. Went outside and started smoking. I had also just
taken my antidepressant and started drinking vodka along with the beer. I was
on the porch punching the shed. Crying. I took a few drinks straight from the
vodka bottle and took a few more hits and it really started to hit me. I sent a
group message to my mom and sister saying someone needed to come to my house
and pick me up asap. I didn’t get a response in what I deemed to be a soon
enough time, so I walked across the street to our neighbors and knocked on his
door. I said that he needed to come to my house before Summer got home and
something else that I won’t repeat. What I meant to say was that he needed to
keep me from going to douchebags house. That’s not what happened. I then turned
around and walked back to my house. When I got to my steps, I threw my beer at
the deck sat on the steps and started crying. I then sent another text message
this to my mom, sister, and Summer saying if I’m not at home I’m going to be at
a certain address (douchebags). I also sent Summer a picture message of both FB
Messenger messages I found. A minute or two later Summer arrived at home.
Neighbor walked over and started to “ignore” us by working on our water heater.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Summer asked me what was wrong? Why was I crying
on the porch? I told her to look at her messages. She looked and saw what I
sent. At that time my parents arrived, and Summer ran into the house and into
our bedroom. My dad stayed out on the side of the house with my neighbor
“working on the water heater” and my mom came up to talk to me. I’m just
talking to neighbor telling him I’m not going to do anything. I’m not stupid.
That’s not what I meant to say. He just kept repeating I’m here to look at
water heater.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Mom and I talked, and I tell her about what she
said in Oregon. She said what do you expect you always get mad at me when we
try to talk about it. Which I found odd since I never talked to her about it
since the day I stayed there after being at my sisters. She told me that if it
comes to it she would give me the money to buy Summer out of the house so I
don’t have to sell it.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Neighbor leaves and dad comes up on deck and
asks if I’m going to their place. I said yes but I needed to talk to Summer
first. I go into the bedroom and talk to her a little loud so my parents could
hear. I wasn’t yelling I just wanted them to know that I wasn’t going to do
anything stupid. I kept asking her what were the rules? What did we discuss?
She would say she’s not answering when my parents can hear. I said I don’t
care. The rules were that you could fuck whoever you wanted as long as you let
me know. I could do the same. You can continue to sext him just let me know and
don’t hide it. Sex with other people on either her part or mine needed to be
physical only nothing emotional.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>My parents called and said we need to go. I
grabbed my pillow and the dog’s bed, and my water jug. We stayed in the kitchen
for a minute to talk. I didn’t realize that my jar of weed was on the counter
and my pipe was still in my hand. My dad said what’s that? I said my little bit
of weed (I bought the jar in Weed Ca. on our way home from Oregon). At that
point the cat was out of the bag so I grabbed it to as we walked out the door.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>On the way to their house I was babbling about
don’t worry about me losing my job. My boss knows he’s the one that told me to
smoke to try and get some sleep. I also dropped my commercial license when I
got the last promotion. Mom didn’t have much to say. Dad asked if it was good
stuff. I told him I only buy the best. Luckily, I wasn’t so gone that I outed
my sister and sister-in-law.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>At their house I ate a few bites of food, went
to the backyard and smoked a little more. Went to the bedroom and locked myself
in there. I got out of bed to let my dads’ dog in and my jar of weed fell out
of my pocket and landed on the tile floor. It broke on the inside and around
the seal. </p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>The next morning Summer started texting me
around 6:30. She called in sick to work the night before. Apparently, I texted
my boss the night before and took the day off too. We texted until about 8:30
and then it went dark on her end. About 30 minutes later she rang the doorbell.
My mom let her in and she came to the room I was in. She closed the door and
got in bed with me. We talked and she was crying and showed me that she had
blocked douchebag from contacting her. She wanted nothing to do with him
anymore. We talked more and cried together. She talked to me and responded to
what I said without going silent for long periods. She then pulled my wedding
ring out of her pocket and asked me to put it back on. She put her ring on as
well. We both hadn’t worn them since I left for my sisters. Around 11:00 we
left for home and spent the day in bed just holding each other not talking
much.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>That was a big turning point for us. Since then
we have gotten along better. We still have little spats when I start “flooding”
with emotions and memories come into my head. I have not had a drink or smoked
since then. And I have almost 3 cases of beer and vodka and fireball in the
shed. Not because I think I have a drinking problem, but because I don’t think
I should be drinking until we get this worked out. I tend to flood when I drink
especially when I drink alone. </p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>The day after Christmas was a hard day for me.
After we went hunting with my dad we came home and showered together. Then we
went into bed for more adult fun. Afterwards we started talking again. That’s
the day that I found out that she did go to his house more than once. She went
there to have sex with him, but he couldn’t get hard enough. She sucked him,
made out with him, he played with her tits and pussy, then she straddled him
and grinded on him but according to her he never got hard enough to penetrate
her.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>I didn’t fully believe that and still don’t. I
still think that he has been to our house no matter how much she swears he
hasn’t.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>I wrote about what happened the next day with my
vigorous cleaning of the house.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>I was on a planned vacation for the week between
Christmas and New Year. On a day I was at home and Summer was at work I
stumbled across a Youtube channel. I had searched for “how to recover from an
affair”. A lot of videos came up. Most were too religious for me though. Then I
found Affair Recovery. I watched several of the videos before Summer got home
while I was folding laundry. When she came home, I showed her some of the
videos.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>From that point we started watching 1 or 2
videos a night. Then when we both had COVID we researched their website to see
what programs they offer. They have a free 7-day bootcamp, an online course
that meets once a week for 13 weeks and keeps you in touch with the small group
of couple in your weekly meeting for a year afterwards, and they have an
intensive weekend retreat. We decided that we would do the free bootcamp but
needed to wait until duck season was over so we could devote our time to it.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>We started the program on Feb. 12. Unfortunately,
between both of us having commutes of 1 hour for me and 2 hours for her, we don’t
have a lot of time to work on it after work and dinner. We are still working on
day 3.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Not an awful lot happened in Jan. that I haven’t
already talked about. We both caught that fucking Rona virus and were home for
2 weeks. After we got better, we started hunting again and even took the
trailer out a few times to hunt multiple days in a row. The hunting was bad. It
was way too warm for Jan. it was in the 60’s in afternoon and no clouds.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>A notable incident from Late Dec. or early Jan.
(can’t remember which) I wet to my sisters to pick up our trailer from their
house. We had lent it to them so nieces BF can have it to isolate in due to
exposure. His family told him he needed to sleep in the garage during
quarantine period even though the lease is in his name. They also told him that
he needed to run their errands for him in the daytime even though he was
supposed to isolate and not be in public.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto;">Anyways, while there to get the trailer we talked about the incident at
my parents’ house before Christmas with them picking me up to take me there. I
told them (Sister, S-i-L and oldest niece) about my parents seeing the weed and
pipe. Then my dad asking on the way his house if it was good stuff. My sister
was shocked. Niece thought it was hilarious. Apparently, my sister said she new
that my parents found out because mom texted her on the drive and said she don’t
care if I started smoking again. Whatever it takes for me to get through this.
I was shocked.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto;">We also talked about how funny it would have been if when my jar broke if
a bud got lost under my moms’ bed and it was found later.</p>
<p style="margin-left: 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level2 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>My sister and I have wondered since then if my
dad smokes or not since he asked if it was the good stuff. Neither of us have
gotten up the nerve to ask though. How adult of us right? I’m 47, she turns 45
in 2 weeks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">For now that is all I can think of
for the cliff notes version of events. I’m sure that I am missing things. It is
now March 1<sup>st</sup>. I started this post on Feb. 19th. It was
hard to write. But it is nowhere as hard as the next post is going to be. We
had a major setback on Fri. night and I’m now in a place where I don’t think I
can recover from it.</p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">I’m scared. VERY scared. This time
it’s me scaring myself. He thoughts are back and worse than ever. The body
pains are worse. I’ve been in my office since 6:30 this morning and it is now
1:20. I’ve been shaking most of the day and doing my best to not cry at work. My
door has been closed all day so I don’t get walked in on. That happened the day
I started writing this. I don’t want it to happen again. I’m struggling. I lost
7 pounds in one night. Fri. morning, I weighed 261 with no clothes on. Sun. morning,
I weighed 254 with clothes on. </p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">I gotta end this. </p>
Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-82351650306483877952021-02-16T13:55:00.003-08:002021-02-16T13:55:55.744-08:00Blame
<p><span> <span> </span><span> </span> </span>So yesterdays post was a bit much. I was really in a bad
place yesterday. While typing the post I was in my office and had to close the
door because I ended up crying off and on for almost 2 hours. There’s more
going on than just the issues with Summer. Back when I was on my week away and
talking to my friend from high school, I had made plans to visit her after duck
season closed. Well duck season closed 2 weeks ago, and I was supposed to leave
on Mon. morning to visit her and come home next Sat.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well
thanks to fucking RONA the trip is canceled. Her boyfriend recently had lung
surgery so they are taking extra precautions until they can both receive the
vaccine. I get it. I truly do. It just tears me apart. I had been looking
forward to this trip since I first found out about the cheating. Now it’s been
taken away from me. Along with my trust in my wife and my self-respect. It’s
been ripped away. </p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I feel
like I have nothing left to look forward to. Yes, Summer and I have a trip
planned to go to Flagstaff next month for our anniversary, but it’s a
last-minute rushed trip. We drive 14+ hours down there on Fri. Attempt to go to
the Grand Canyon on Sat. Spend Sun. just walking around Flagstaff, then another
14+ hour drive home on Mon. so we both can be at work on Tue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If anyone knows of something to do in
Flagstaff during these stupid RONA times, please leave a comment.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then
there’s the big family trip we have planned in Sept. My parents, sister and her
wife, some of my mom’s brothers and their wives, and some relatives from Pa.
and Nv. Are all going to Oahu for 7 days. I’m just afraid to look forward to
that trip because just like Summer it will break my heart and try to destroy me
more.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So back
to yesterday. After work I had my group therapy session (I’m in a relationship
crisis group every Wed. for 90 minutes), where I was told by a few people that
I am trying to take on to much, am being to hard on myself and I need to stop
blaming myself for Summer screwing Mr. D, and fucking douchebag. I have
explained to them why I take full responsibility for Summer cheating on me in
2005. If you have read this blog all the way to the beginning, you too know why
I take full responsibility for her cheating on me.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It was
explained to me by a woman whose husband has the same issues with anger that I
did back in the beginning, that it would be my responsibility if Summer left me
and divorced me back in 2005. But she didn’t. Instead she got into another mans
bed. That is on her not me. She made the poor decision to cheat when she could
have left. The lady in the group said that I am taking on way too much
responsibility for Summer’s actions and decisions.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A guy
in the group said the same thing. It is admirable that I have taken
responsibility for my actions and have taken the steps to correct them and to
not go back to that way of acting even in the darkest times, but I need to stop
blaming myself for what she does. He said that I need to start learning how to
forgive myself and let myself feel the emotions and acknowledge that it is
perfectly acceptable to feel this way. He said that it is OK for a man to cry.
I have a hard time with that though. Every time I start I get mad at myself and
try to force myself to stop because I feel weak and out of control. I feel that
I need to be strong and in control all the time.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It was
recommended that I read a book called Self Compassion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bought the book and the companion workbook
today on Amazon.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
leader of the group suggested that I try to focus on letting myself feel the
feelings I am having and stop blaming myself for other people’s actions. That’s
the hard part. I feel like everything that is happening to me now is because
decisions that I made a long time ago. Or actions that I took. I’m not talking
about just in the time I have been married either. I’m talking things that I
did when I was a kid like about 10 or 11.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I held
it in for years that it was my fault in 2004 or so when my sister was arrested.
I blamed myself because I thought that I was the first person to give her crank
(meth). It wasn’t until a camping trip back in Aug. that I found out she had
done it before me, and she thought that even if I did give it to her the first
time as a teenager, it wouldn’t be my fault she was arrested as an adult. It
was her decision to keep using crank and to move on to even worse drugs when
she was finally arrested.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
blamed myself for my parents not getting a divorce when I was 13 because I told
my mom that if they got a divorce, they would never see me again. I just have
so much guilt from things that happened as a kid. The truly fucked up thing is
that these things were not an issue for me until I found out about this affair.
Or who knows? They have been an issue all these years but were not at the
forefront. They were just buried down deep.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What I
am learning in my research on affairs is that the trauma felt by the betrayed
person releases buried traumas from childhood and brings them to the surface.
Well I’m finding that to really being the case here. A lot of it goes back to a
post I wrote many years ago about my sister and I being molested by my cousin.
I don’t remember how to link older posts into new post or I would do that in
this case. Let’s give this a try: <a href="https://cofusedhusband.blogspot.com/2006/02/little-deeper-insight-into-who-i-am.html" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #0066cc; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: underline; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" target="_blank">deeper insight into me</a>
and also here: <a href="https://cofusedhusband.blogspot.com/2006/02/molestation-ii.html" target="_blank">Part II</a>
lastly here: <a href="https://cofusedhusband.blogspot.com/2006/03/therapy.html" target="_blank">lastly</a> </p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">So that is where I am right now. Or
more correctly last week. I wrote the above last Thu. but wasn’t ready to post.
I had more to add and now I don’t remember where I was going with it. I’ll just
end it there and post it as is. Hopefully soon I’ll get back to what happened
when I came home back in Oct.</p>
Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-38279640707279720292021-02-10T14:25:00.001-08:002021-02-10T14:25:11.551-08:00Troubles in my head
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I don’t
know what to do anymore. I’m just so fucking confused. I love my wife so
fucking much. I can’t image living without her. She means everything to me. But
I’m so fucking torn right now. As much as I love her and want to be with her, I
just don’t know how to do that anymore. Is love enough to keep us together? I
can handle her fucking someone else. I just can’t handle the <b>fucking lies</b>!!
The betrayal is what hurts the most. When I begin to think that I can’t live
with the lies and betrayal anymore that just makes it worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I start to get mad at myself for thinking
that way. How can I think about not being with the person that I love the most?
That I dedicated my life to for 27 years. I just get mad at myself for having
these thoughts and they are destroying me inside right now.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I love
her and I hate her at the same time. I hate what she did to me. I hate that she
did it without even thinking about me and how I feel. I hate the way that all
she says is I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I hate that she always says
the same lame fucking answer when I ask her why she did it or how could she do
it. It’s always “I don’t know<b>”. How the FUCK can you do this for a fucking
year and not know why?!</b> I hate it when she says “I love you so much. You’re
my sexy husband”. Or “You mean so much to me” or “I’m so lucky to have a loving
husband like you”. Jesus all I want to do is come back with a sarcastic remark.
I want to yell at her. I want to scream at her. I want to throw things and hit
walls.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But I
can’t do any of that. I promised myself before I started this blog so long ago
that I would never yell, scream or lose my temper with her again. Through all
of this I have kept that promise to myself. Besides what fucking good is it
going to be to yell and scream and make sarcastic remarks or act like fucking
crazy deranged person. Even though that’s exactly what I am on the inside. I’m
fucking destroying myself from the inside.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I just
can’t think straight anymore. When we are apart due to work, I have all the feelings
that I can’t be with her anymore. Then when I get home and she is there I just
want to be with her and hold her and never let go. When I do get home from work
instead of watching TV like I used to, I listen to music at high volume to try
and drown out the voices in my head. Most of the time it doesn’t work though.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I start
thinking that maybe she was right back in Oct. that we need to do a separation
to see what we want to do. I need to figure out what I am supposed to do here.
But I don’t want to leave my house. I already left once for a week. I’m not
leaving again. I’m not going to leave and try to figure out how to pay for a
place to stay while this gets figured out and still be responsible for paying
for the bills at the house.</p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">Then when I start thinking that I
get mad at myself again. How can I possibly want to be away from the woman I
love? How can we work on our marriage and make things right if we are apart?
Then again how can I believe anything that she says to me? How can I possibly
believe that she loves me at all? How can I trust the change of heart that she
had from Oct. to Dec.? </p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">How can I believe her when she
tells me that I meet all her needs in bed? That’s not what she told him. She
told him I don’t last long enough and can’t satisfy her. Now she says that she’s
sorry for that and that she didn’t mean it. She was upset and venting. Now suddenly,
I’ve always been good enough for her. If I was good enough then WHY THE FUCK DID
YOU DO THIS TO US?!?! HOW COULD YOU JEOPRDIZE OUR MARRIAGE AND TELL ME YOU DON’T
KNOW WHY?!!! I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!</p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">I just hurt so much. I’m a fucking
wreck. Nothing I do helps the pain go away. My stomach hurts, my back hurts.
That’s on a good day. On the bad days my whole fucking body aches and I force
myself to go about my day like nothing is wrong. I still can’t sleep at night. I’m
still not eating normally. Although it seems the weight loss has come to an
end.</p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t stand the way I feel about myself. I
hate the way I feel about her. I hate that I love her. I hate myself for
wanting to be with her. I hate myself more for not wanting to be with her and felling
anger and hatred towards her.</p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">I want to get drunk again, but I
know better. I have been 100% sober since Dec. 20<sup>th</sup>. That was not a
good night. I haven’t related that story yet, so I won’t let out the details
yet. Just know that it wasn’t pretty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">You know 2 weeks ago we were doing good.
We still are. There’s no arguing or anything like that. I wasn’t having these
fucking thoughts entering my head and I was in a decent place. Then duck season
ended, and everything went to shit (in my head not our marriage). Now I have
extra time. I’m home alone on Sundays while she is at work. That’s when my mind
really takes over. I can’t be alone with myself. But I can’t figure out what I
should be doing if I’m not alone. This Sun. is going to be really bad because
she is working OT and won’t be home till almost 8:30 at night. I’m not looking forward
to it.</p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">What the fuck am I supposed to do?
I just don’t fucking know anymore. Someone PLEASE tell me what am I supposed to
do?</p>
Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-16889838859878509912021-02-03T14:10:00.001-08:002021-02-03T14:10:11.788-08:00My week away part 2<div><span> </span>So when I last was telling you about my time away from Summer and our home, I was fighting visions of Summer and douche bag having sex on my bed. I had what I needed and went to my parents house. As I was driving to get there I could feel and anxiety attack coming on. My heart was racing, everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I felt like everything was caving in around me.</div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>I got to my parents house and really didn't say that much to them. I through my stuff and my dogs stuff in my moms bedroom (my parents sleep in separate rooms for at least 15 -16 years). Went to the garage and loaded my fishing stuff, beer and vodka into my dads van. I wasn't playing around. When I walked back in the house my mom asked me if I had eaten anything yet for breakfast. I lied and told her I had a granola bar. Apparently Mother Hen called her when she woke up for school and saw that I was gone. She told my mom to make sure that I was eating. </div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>I really love my niece. She was looking out for me and still does.</div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>Once everything was loaded up in my dads van we drove off to the marina where his boat was when he bought it. We got everything loaded into the boat and got it ready to travel. The move took us a little over 3.5 hours. My dad had me drive all way to the new marina in Antioch while he walked around the boat and cleaned windows, and organized things. When we got to within .5 mile of the marina we stopped and started fishing for a bit. While we were fishing and I was no longer operating the boat, that's when I started drinking beer and vanilla vodka with Cherry Pepsi. I was just screwing around on facebook posting pictures. Not really talking much. That's the thing with my dad and I. We don;t really talk much when we spend time together fishing or hunting. We just sat out there with the dogs fishing and I was trying to drink enough to keep my mind off of what was happening.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQSWcDEfelF3HXx-FlGbqbtHnFBfT2toEghsgYd3VTB6HiGb8u7FbL4raXQMyXkLOidLrMs5hUxKvrIlWQXalS_k_geOwrL5QXXeuSf-YjqKr56KM5MvhZYAVi80eAEsFGYDSq/s2048/20201029_133415.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQSWcDEfelF3HXx-FlGbqbtHnFBfT2toEghsgYd3VTB6HiGb8u7FbL4raXQMyXkLOidLrMs5hUxKvrIlWQXalS_k_geOwrL5QXXeuSf-YjqKr56KM5MvhZYAVi80eAEsFGYDSq/s320/20201029_133415.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM2bhfkQIstBDkxs1j7Ix7P5w57ProORBT9XUfQpX-ZW7CHsY_MM08hWQ5NurVmtWobskICR9hzdVQyCZs40cPF8lsbPZxiaSzN9SxHwQvXTZTtdx_ehrpVxT3kPflMaDIqwjA/s2048/20201029_125635.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM2bhfkQIstBDkxs1j7Ix7P5w57ProORBT9XUfQpX-ZW7CHsY_MM08hWQ5NurVmtWobskICR9hzdVQyCZs40cPF8lsbPZxiaSzN9SxHwQvXTZTtdx_ehrpVxT3kPflMaDIqwjA/s320/20201029_125635.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHTGuVU5TiS1A_4jthmbvIV7t7Z_4gakztuUri-8X-ARB21b-Mo0zgjWPMuZw9buLtz-c7vqL73SruaQSUUCX9Lp2omRoU2_QkYzqle_XdBkIv9RHhfD2EBqilwjsTSrzkmhxS/s2048/20201029_152046.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHTGuVU5TiS1A_4jthmbvIV7t7Z_4gakztuUri-8X-ARB21b-Mo0zgjWPMuZw9buLtz-c7vqL73SruaQSUUCX9Lp2omRoU2_QkYzqle_XdBkIv9RHhfD2EBqilwjsTSrzkmhxS/s320/20201029_152046.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnQkpCcLPZmC8YvreVxARVdCBQH8oHFlixH2iopMCjdzyMiepHwUQ6LZl-p5ImBvISv5-EQfWMbL8jeKMundM7wnNDuY06ud_OqNAeFqit1Uq0zoBju8irNh6LwPDYhu7mf0Gs/s2048/20201029_105728.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnQkpCcLPZmC8YvreVxARVdCBQH8oHFlixH2iopMCjdzyMiepHwUQ6LZl-p5ImBvISv5-EQfWMbL8jeKMundM7wnNDuY06ud_OqNAeFqit1Uq0zoBju8irNh6LwPDYhu7mf0Gs/s320/20201029_105728.jpg" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>We only fished for about 2 hours because we had to get to the marina and pay for the slip and meet my mom there to give us a ride back to my dads van. We got the boat taken care of and met my mom. We talked a little bit on the way back back I don't remember what was said really. I was still drinking my Pepsi vodka mix since it was in a Pepsi bottle and I was a passenger.</div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>After we dropped my dad off at his van, I rode with my mom back to their house. We talked a bit on the way. I told her that I had contacted a lawyer while I was at my sisters house. I then told her that I made a mistake in my deep state of depression while I was at my sisters. I told her that I contacted my life insurance company and removed Summer from my primary beneficiary. I added our oldest son at 50% and each of our nieces at 25%.</div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>Back at the house I helped with dinner and the dishes. Kept drinking beer and then sat with them in the living room. They were watching Jeopardy. I was just looking at my tablet. Seeing if Summer was online or not on Facebook. Suddenly I saw a notification that caught my eye. A friend from High school had saw a picture that I posted earlier and said "Hey!" Seeing that made me get excited. She was a very close friend in high school. We never dated, but until I met Summer she was the person that I wanted to be with.</div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>She asked me how things were, how's Summer and the kids. She obviously hadn't seen any of the posts that i had posted recently. I replied to her on the post that things weren't good. he then message me in FB Messenger. This was at about 7:30 that evening. We ended up talking to each other till 2:30 in the morning. I told her everything that was going on. Actually I told her a little to fast and she couldn't keep up with the reading I was ending messages so fast. She ended up telling me to stop typing and just let her ask questions. The amazing thing was that she could read and understand my drunk typing. But she was well into a bottle of wine at the time so that may have helped. I ended up telling her everything. About all the times Summer cheated on me. About us having virtual sex with other people in the past. About us have another man in our bed.</div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>She told me about her marriage and her divorce. How her husband cheated on her and she cheated on her husband. How they tried to bring other people into their bedroom to help the marriage and it only made it worse. </div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>I told her I can't even watch an adult video online because I feel like i am cheating on Summer. hat just the act of talking with her that night made me feel like i was cheating on Summer and I felt guilty. We weren't doing anything wrong, but I still felt like I was betraying Summer in some way. I told her this and she said that don't make sense. It's like we are going to do anything. We were talking and catching up on the last 20 years.</div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>Taking a quick trip back a few hours, my dads dog was all over me the entire time that I was there. When I left the living room to go the bedroom to talk to my friend he started whining. Whenever I would leave the room to get another beer he would try to follow me back but my dad kept him in the living room. At some point my parents went to bed and my dads dog kept scratching at the door. So he let him out of his bedroom and he came to my moms room where I was and started whining at the door. I let him in and he laid with me all night. This is unusual only because my dog really didn't like him laying with me when she was trying to sleep. But that night it didn't bother her. They started out on either side of me both pressed up as close as they could get while I was typing away with my friend. Then once I turned out the light and attempted to sleep, my dog got on the other side and pressed half her body against me and they other half against my dads dog.<br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWfJGYGEGDqiSeqt5qOt1oxtVVauYKQLxER2KgffmLuNQgtpG0pr-nj0KjfbFEGvB261KJjP9E06XyKlLWzMtVE3MtFeqOJQ7VWA2740W4ieHtFW2GyEk5Gvoi0cZ7h3cRBGAK/s2048/20201030_045421.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWfJGYGEGDqiSeqt5qOt1oxtVVauYKQLxER2KgffmLuNQgtpG0pr-nj0KjfbFEGvB261KJjP9E06XyKlLWzMtVE3MtFeqOJQ7VWA2740W4ieHtFW2GyEk5Gvoi0cZ7h3cRBGAK/s320/20201030_045421.jpg" /></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTkE5LRDJyRecgiLXVQE0n9bKV6XhdId04esrPctL162eXq25ynybVapM9k9SXePEjO-frrnop4D1KUkdx5yJXdpfSXdP1PLmQDLFZ6hjUieBdWYT6fkJddG4vgJCaIwD-yhyphenhyphenq/s2048/20201030_045327.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTkE5LRDJyRecgiLXVQE0n9bKV6XhdId04esrPctL162eXq25ynybVapM9k9SXePEjO-frrnop4D1KUkdx5yJXdpfSXdP1PLmQDLFZ6hjUieBdWYT6fkJddG4vgJCaIwD-yhyphenhyphenq/s320/20201030_045327.jpg" /></a></div></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> </span>The next morning when I decided to walk into the living room around 6:30, both dogs went to the bathroom and then my dads dog decided that he was going to take over my dogs bed. It was a bit too small for him.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURxBYOIemDhtTBOZ1yw0Yy8HpYsK0HryX9v0w4j_sF7b6HYIztrZXLj1PWLnvSETlP6uLgzmJXkCPHP_W1lajQOxJNzZfuEFY8JckelfExuyQwf9NAWbAZfqFuyk4M_AtxfII/s2048/20201030_131706.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURxBYOIemDhtTBOZ1yw0Yy8HpYsK0HryX9v0w4j_sF7b6HYIztrZXLj1PWLnvSETlP6uLgzmJXkCPHP_W1lajQOxJNzZfuEFY8JckelfExuyQwf9NAWbAZfqFuyk4M_AtxfII/s320/20201030_131706.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> </span>I talked to my mom about the friend that I was up talking to all night and she was trying to remember her. Then I started asking about one of their friends to see if they knew a certain couple and they did. Apparently my dad plays golf with my friends step dads brother-in-law. That's important because she was coming up for Thanksgiving and was going to be 3 blocks from my parents house. We had planned to meet up on thanksgiving Day so I could meet her new boyfriend and see her mom and talk.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> </span>I texted Summer around 10:30 or so to tell her I was coming home that day. It was Fri. and her day off. She said fine just stay out of her way. That's the welcome home I was hoping for. I got a razor from my mom so I could shave, take a shower and go home. My mom then asked why I shaved. AI said in part 1, I had a full beard up to a few days prior and my goatee went to my chest. I told her I don't know why. I went to cut my hair and next thing I know I was cutting off everything. The truth is, I did it because I hate the way I look without facial hair. I hated the way I felt and wanted my outside to match what I was feeling on the inside. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> </span>That was back in October. It is now Feb. and I still shave every 3-4 days. Everything from my head to my face. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did back then, but there are times that I still feel like shit. Last night for instance. I was reading something about rebuilding trust and I was fighting the urge to cry and was telling Summer that nothing was wrong.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> </span>So right about the time I was getting ready to leave my dad calls and tells me not to leave yet. He had a golf buddy that was giving away a leather recliner. As I had been wanting a recliner for quite awhile I was very interested in getting it. So I hung around and waited for him to finish his round of golf and we went to his friends house and got the recliner.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> </span>After we had the recliner loaded in my truck I thanked his friend and left. I went back to my parents house to finish getting my stuff and I drove home. The entire drive home I was shaking. My stomach was all knotted up. My palms were sweaty. I was scared. I was mad. I was afraid of what I would be coming home to.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span> </span>I got home, grabbed my stuff from the truck (all I had was a duffle bag and the dogs bed) and walked in the door...………….</div><br /><br /></div><div><span></span><span></span><br /></div>Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-82042619540899321142021-01-28T18:40:00.002-08:002021-01-28T18:40:51.695-08:00Jan. 2021 Update<div>Well it's been a bit since I posted. Summer and I went in on Jan. 6 to have Rona test. She got her positive results on the 9th. I got my positive results on the 10th. Summer was given a Dr. note that said she is to stay home until Jan. 16. I on the other hand talked to a different Dr. and was given a Dr. note to return to work the next day. Meanwhile while I am at work Summer is calling me stating that she is coughing in the morning and there is blood coming up. So the 11th I get a call from Summer that her Dr. wants her to go to the ER and I need to take her. So I tell my boss that I need to leave and why.</div><div><br /></div><div>At the ER she was X-rayed and they said that she has Rona lungs, but she looks good and it is not a bad case. As long as the blood is just specs in the phlegm there is nothing to worry about. If it comes out as solid blood then she needs to be seen ASAP. Wed. I go back to work and my boss is like so your wife is still sick? </div><div><br /></div><div>I told him yes. </div><div><br /></div><div>And your here at work?</div><div><br /></div><div>Yes. I have a Dr. note that says I have to be at work. So here I am. I don't agree with it nor do I like it, but what do you want me to do?</div><div><br /></div><div>He then proceeds to call his boss and they determine the best course of action is to have everyone in the office building work from different yards except for me. I called Summer and explained the situation to her and she called Kaiser. They told her that the Dr. releasing me was wrong and I should have been home still. So they gave me a new phone appointment for that afternoon. When I talked to that Dr. he told me that I should not be at work and gave me a new Dr. note that had me off work until the 18th. </div><div><br /></div><div>I called my boss and told him and he said that was fine. So I went back to being at home for Thu. and Fri. Then on Thu. Summer got a call from the Rona "specialist" in our area and they said that she could go back into public on Fri.</div><div><br /></div><div>With that we decided to load up our trailer on Fri. morning and went duck hunting Fri. through Mon. since Mon. was MLK Day and a State Holiday. We were able to fully isolate away from other people for 4 days and still be able to do what we enjoy. It was unproductive from a hunting standpoint though. Summer shot 1 duck in 4 days hunting. I didn't shoot my gun at all until Sun. afternoon and missed. My dad came up to meet us on Mon. morning and we didn't fire a shot.</div><div><br /></div><div>So back to why you are here I guess. What's going on with Summer and I. To answer that I will need to do a time jump. Again I am sorry for this but unfortunately that is what happens when you only Blog at work because you try to save the evenings for working things out with your wife and your weekends are out duck hunting. Sadly season closes this Sun. so no more duck hunting until next Oct.</div><div><br /></div><div>I will only go as far back as Christmas though. There is more to tell about the week before Christmas but that will take more time and I still need to get to Part 2 of my time away.</div><div><br /></div><div>Christmas Day Summer and I went hunting together. My mom didn't want to have a get together with my pregnant niece and my sister on her arthritis medication weakening her immune system. Anyways, after hunting, we came home, showered, and just wore lounge clothes for the afternoon. We put a fire log on YouTube with Christmas music and we opened our presents to each other. She was so excited about the gift I got her. She wanted an RC car. Nothing fancy just a Walmart type car. Well I got her a hobby grade 1:16 scale car that will go almost 30MPH. When she opened it she was jumping up and down like a little kid. She had a blast inside the house with it. We then took it outside where it had just finished raining. It was so much fun outside. With the wet roads it was drifting and sliding all over. We played with it until it was time to start dinner.</div><div><br /></div><div>For dinner I smoked 2 Prime Rib Cap steaks and some jumbo prawns. Summer made Cremini Mushrooms with butter and fresh garlic then we topped it off with a salad and homemade cookies for dessert. We cleaned up after dinner and just sat on the couch holding each other until bedtime. We got up the next morning and drove to my parents to go hunting with my dad again.</div><div><br /></div><div>After hunting we went back to my parents and gave them their gifts and hung out for about 30 minutes before coming home. I think that's where we got the Rona from. My mom wasn't feeling to good. </div><div><br /></div><div>We then came home and took a shower together, had some sexy time together, and laying there when we were done is when things fell apart and led to my previous post about wanting it all to end. We (I) started talking about what happened with douche bag and that I didn't believe her previous statement that she went to his house once but was told to leave before she walked in. She admitted then that she had actually gone to his house 1 time previously with the intentions of have fucking him. She said they did not have sex though. That didn't sit well with me. Obviously. I also didn't believe her so I pressed further. </div><div><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: red;">What did you do if you didn't fuck him. </span></i></div><div><i></i><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">We played around.</span></i></div><div><i></i><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: red;">What does that mean? What did you do? Tell me what the fuck happened.</span></i></div><div><i></i><span style="color: red;"></span><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">We kissed and he played with my breasts.</span></i></div><div><i></i><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: red;">Is that all?</span></i></div><div><i></i><span style="color: red;"></span><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">No. He played with my pussy and I sucked his dick</span>.</i> (she was fucking smiling as she said this)</div><div><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: red;">AND?!</span></i></div><div><i></i><span style="color: red;"></span><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">He wouldn't get hard.</span></i></div><div><i></i><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>IS THAT ALL?! </b> </span></span> </i></div><div><i></i><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">No. I sat on top of him and rubbed my pussy on his dick. But we didn't have sex because he didn;t get hard.</span></i></div><div><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: red;">So because he didn't enter you it wasn't sex? What's your definition of sex then? When Clinton was in office what his quote? "I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman." But what came out in the end? They had ORAL SEX! </span><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"><b>IT'S CALLED ORAL SEX FOR A FUCKING REASON!! <span style="font-size: large;">IT'S SEX!!!!! BUT WHEN IT CONCERNS YOU IT'S NOT SEX? IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER THAT YOU ONLY RUBBED YOUR FUCKING PUSSY ON HIS LIMP DICK?</span></b></span></i></div><div><br /></div><div><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">NO IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.</span></i><br /><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><i><b><span style="color: red;">WE JUST PROVED</span></b></i> <span style="color: red;"><b>THAT YOU CAN STILL FINISH AND CLIMAX WHEN MY DICK ISN'T HARD. SO HOW IS IT NOT SEX? </b><span style="color: black;">(One of the side effects that hasn't gone away since I found out is that I am unable to remain hard very long once I penetrate her. Finishing is next to impossible most times.)</span></span></div><div><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></div><div><b><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">OK. We had sex. Are you happy now?</span></i></b></div><div><b><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span></i></b></div><div><b><i><span style="color: red;">OF COURSE I'M NOT FUCKING HAPPY! </span><span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;">HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN TO HIS HOUSE TO FUCK HIM? HOW OFTEN HAS HE BEEN HERE WHEN I'M AT WORK OR OUT HUNTING?</span></i></b></div><div><b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></i></b></div><div><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">That's it. I went to his house one other time to have sex with him and as I pulled up he messaged me to go back home because his ex GF was on the way over with his kids so I kept driving. I never even stopped. He has <b>NEVER</b> been to this house.</span></i></div><div><br /></div><div>From that point I don't remember what was said. I do remember not sleeping very well that night. She got up and left for work at 530 Sun. morning. That is the day I referred to when I slept in so late and didn't want to get out of bed. I finally did get out of bed because I had to let my little girl outside so she can go potty. At that point I started my day of movement and not stopping to rest or eat. I didn't eat breakfast or eat lunch. I began a thorough cleaning of the entire house. My back was killing me and it hurt to move but I didn't care. I moved furniture to sweep and mop underneath. Couches, recliners, dining table and chairs, everything. The only thing I didn't move was the computer desk because it's just to full and heavy. Even thinking about this is making my back hurt like hell. </div><div><br /></div><div>I even cleaned the laundry room floor. Did countless loads of laundry until there was not a single article of dirty clothes in the house except what I was wearing. I was streaming music from my phone to the TV's sound bar at high volume. All in an attempt to keep my mind from racing. Once all the laundry was dried I threw it all on the bed and started folding it and putting it away. My back hurt so bad that I was on my knees folding laundry and walking on my knees to the dresser and closet to put them away. My back hurt so bad that I stopped long enough to put my head on the bed while knelling beside it. I started crying because of the pain. It was starting to go into my arms as well. But that 2-3 minutes of not being active made my mind race. I kept picturing my wife with someone else's dick in her mouth. Looking lovingly up at him while blowing him. I had to start cleaning again so I forced myself up and cleaned the kitchen.</div><div><br /></div><div>Once that room was done there wasn't anything to clean except the bathrooms and I don't clean the bathrooms. I will clean the entire house with no problems. All Summer needs to do is the bathrooms. Whatever. I I'm not here to debate who's job it is to clean what. Sue me. If you have a problem with it fuck off.</div><div><br /></div><div>So I grabbed some rags, a step stool and Murphy's Oil Soap. I proceeded to clean my entire dresser, Then took everything off the shelf above my dresser and dusted the knick-knacks and oiled the shelf. Music still blasting loudly. Once my shelf was done I moved to the book case. Most of the knick-knacks on top of that book shelf belong to Summer. As I was oiling it and dusting I started to have tears welling up. I didn't even hear Summer come in the door.She was yelling for me and I couldn't hear because it was too loud. She turned the music down and came into the room and I pretty much ignored her at first. She asked me if I'd like help and I said I didn't care. She stayed and helped for a bit asked what was wrong and I said she should know. By this point I was a wreck. I don't really remember the details about what happened the rest of that night. I just know that as the evening progressed by back got worse.</div><div><br /></div><div>I know that this is supposed to be an update as to what is going on in Jan. and I got some of that in here. Right now I need to go. Just thinking about this is making my back get worse.</div><div><br /></div><div>Till next time<br /></div><div><b></b><span style="color: red;"></span><b></b><span style="color: black;"></span><b></b><b></b><b></b><b></b><b></b><b></b><i></i><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span><b></b><i></i><b></b><i></i><span style="color: red;"></span><span style="font-size: x-large;"></span><i></i><span style="color: red;"></span><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span><br /></div><div><br /></div>Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-20890722419306785602021-01-03T16:12:00.001-08:002021-01-03T16:12:22.622-08:00Happy FUCKING New YearWell the shitty year of 2020 has finally come to an end. 2021 is now upon us and has already started with a bang. Both Summer and I are sick. We did feel good enough yesterday to go duck hunting in the morning though. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><div><br></div><div>I was able to get 1 teal. We started to not feel to good so we stopped around 930 and headed back home. On the drive I got a text from my mom stating that she was tested for COVID on New Years Day and her results came back positive. Since Summer and I were there on day after Christmas for about 30 minutes and I was there again on the 31st, we decided to call Kaiser. They told us to stay off work for at least a week until we can be tested and have results and that our doctors would be calling us on Monday. The soonest we can be tested is Wednesday the 6th. </div><div><br></div><div>What a great start to the fucking New Year! I hope my mom gets through this Ok. I don't care if I catch it though. I am afraid that Summer and I will be separated due to one of us being positive. I know that is very unlikely, but I have been having this recurring dream since the 27th that we are going to be separated at a hospital. Now with this it makes me feel like it is more likely to happen. </div><div><br></div><div>So with that I will end this post. There is quite a b it to tell but I hate trying to post on my tablet and don't feel like going to the living room to use the computer. </div>Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-5887983900580482232020-12-30T08:53:00.001-08:002020-12-30T08:53:37.111-08:00When will it end?<p> I just want this to end. The constant voices in my head. The depression. The new physical symptoms that seem to appear out of nowhere. The constant need to know every tiny detail. The way that every time I find out the details that I ask for the way it makes me feel for the next 2 days. I'm tired of feeling weak. <br /></p><p>I'm on vacation this week and I'm still not sleeping good. It's been 2 months since I found out. On my first day of vacation being home alone while Summer was at work, I was in bed until 930 in morning. I didn't sleep the whole time though. I just laid there not wanting to get out of bed. </p><p>I just want this to end. <br /></p>Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-14708506826550051922020-12-17T13:09:00.001-08:002021-02-01T14:38:25.679-08:00My week away Part 1
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Where
did I leave off last post about how Summer has been cheating on me? <b>AGAIN</b>..............
Oh yeah, I had just left the house to go stay with my sister for a few days. As
I was driving to Sacramento, I called my dad. He had wanted me to help him move
his boat that he recently bought from one dock in Isleton to a new dock in
Antioch. It’s a bigger boat than either of us have ever driven and he didn’t want
to maneuver it alone in the slip. Anyways, that is getting off track and away from
the point.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Si I
called him to see when he wanted to move the boat and to tell him I was going
to be at my sisters for a few days. While I am talking to him, I started to
break down. He asked what was wrong and I told him that everything was falling apart,
and I needed to be away. The more I talked to more I broke down. He asked me to
stop by his place first. I really didn’t want to but after he asked again, I
agreed. I turned around and went to my parents’ house. Once there I told them
what was going on. I told them that I wasn’t willing to “share” Summer.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>They
asked what I meant because apparently, they thought I meant something
completely different. They thought it was a swinger type of sharing. While
thought is there, it’s not something I think I could do. I did NOT tell them
that she cheated on me more than once. Anyways I talked with them for a short
time and left again to go to my sisters.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh, I
forgot that during the day before I left the house, I called my therapist and
left an urgent message for her to call me back. She called and I told her what
was going on and she suggested that I remove myself from the situation for a
while, and that she would call me in 2 days to talk more. I asked her to get me
in to see the psychiatrist to talk about meds since the one I had before I got
off the meds had retired. She suggested that I email my personal physician to
get on the meds faster. This was all in morning around 9 or so. I left my
parents around 330.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">After leaving my parents to head to
Sac, I called Kaiser to talk to the advice nurse. I explained what was going on
and again broke down while talking to her. I looked down at my hand and saw my
wedding ring wasn’t there. I haven’t worn it since Oct. 26 and it still kills
me to not see it there. When I drive or am nervous, I would always play with
it. It would calm me down or help keep me awake while driving. Now it was gone.
I still to this day go to spin it or take it off and rotate it before putting
it back on.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Off track again. She was asking if
I was OK and if I was in a safe place. I told her I was driving to my sister’s
house so I could be in a better place. I told her that I had emailed my Dr. and
that he hadn’t gotten back to me, and that I needed to get back on the meds
ASAP. She said that she was going to put in a referral to the on-call Dr.
because it would be faster than waiting for my Dr. to respond to an email.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">About 15 minutes after I hung up
with the advice nurse the Dr. called me. He put in a prescription to have me
back on one of the anti-depressants and the sleeping pills. Once I got off the
phone with him, I called my sister and told her I was almost there. I wanted to
know if my nieces (17 and 13) new why I was going to be staying with them. She said
that my younger niece new why because she heard me when I arrived in the middle
of the night on Sun. Our older niece was just told that I was needing some time
away since she wasn’t home when I was there on Sun.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I felt bad. I didn’t want my
younger niece to know what was going on. Summer, niece and I were always close
since we first met. We would take her camping and she would come stay with us
before Christmas to make cookies or just to spend time with us. I feel like
both of our nieces are more like daughters to me, but there seems to be more of
a connection with our youngest niece. I’m always sending her text messages with
dad jokes since we have the same sense of humor.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">After my sister got off work, we
went to Kaiser to pick up my meds and went to Home depot to get some stuff for
her house. Since I was going to be there for a few days she wanted me to help
her out in the garage. They just moved into the house in July and still hadn’t
gotten the garage set up. I called Summer to let her know how much money I
spent at Kaiser so she could put it in checkbook other wise we would end up going
negative.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">That night was pretty uneventful. They
ordered pizza for dinner. I really didn’t feel like eating anything. I didn’t
eat breakfast or lunch. I just had no appetite. My stomach was growling like it
was hungry, but if I was feeling hungry and stomach was hurting then I wouldn’t
feel the pain of being away from Summer and she had done. Youngest niece however
wouldn’t have it. She made sure that I ate at least 1 piece of pizza. </p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">She was like that the entire week I
was there. She is home schooled so she was there the whole time. Every time it
was time for a meal, she would make sure that I at least had a few bites of
food. She wouldn’t let up until I took a few bites. Then when the meal was done,
and I would try to help her with the dishes she would get mad and start pushing
me out of the kitchen. Telling me to go sit on the couch. I was a guest in the
house it was not my place to help with dishes. I would tell her that I was a
guest in their house, staying there for a few days and I couldn’t just sit
there while there were dishes to be done. She just didn’t understand that I had
been sitting on the couch all day. I needed to be up doing something. I ended
up sitting down though to make her happy.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">On Tue. my therapist called me to
check in and see how I was doing. She was able to get me an appointment with
her in 2 weeks for full 1-hour phone call instead of just a short check in
call. When I got off the phone with her, I called my employee group legal services
plan to speak to a lawyer. They took my info and said that a lawyer would call
me within the hour. I then called my life insurance company to change
beneficiaries. After seeing Summer say that she wanted me dead so she could
collect the life insurance there was no way I was going to keep her as the
beneficiary. So the new beneficiaries are our oldest son at 50% and our nieces at
25% each. There is a reason that I did not include our youngest son as
beneficiary, but I’m not going to go into detail about that right now. I’ll go
into that detail once I feel that this crisis is over. One crisis at a time.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">A lawyer called me and gave me
options. Something I forgot to say about the night I found out was that I kept
telling Summer that she will get everything she wants. She wants to be with
someone else and she’s getting it. She decides she don’t want to be with me,
and she will get it. It takes two people to enter a marriage but only one
person to end it. Pretty fucked up. The courts will automatically give her a
large portion of my paychecks for the rest of her life since we have been
married for more than 10 years. She will also get 50% of my retirement. She
fucking wins and gets everything she wants while I get screwed. She’s the one who
cheated on me for a fucking year and she gets rewarded for it! She told me
several times that night that she didn’t want my retirement.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">When I talked to the lawyer, he
told me that I needed to act fast and file for a divorce immediately.
Especially while she was “feeling guilty” and was saying she didn’t want
anything to do with my retirement. He then emailed me a checklist of what I
needed to do for filing for a divorce and how to prepare.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">It wasn’t anything that I really
wanted to hear. I still don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to file for a
divorce. I want to stay married because I love her. I just can’t keep letting
her cheat on me. Because she has cheated on me again, it shows that I don’t
matter as much to her as she does to me. It also shows me that as much as her
sexting someone else when I am being told what is going on turns me on, I don’t
think that is going to be an option anymore. She takes it too far. She creates
an emotional connection and tells things that she shouldn’t.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Back to the story. Tue. was
uneventful. I sat on the couch all day. Watched a little Netflix (Bill Burr, Bert
Kreischer) to try and cheer me up but it did no good. Watched my sister play
Red Dead Redemption 2 on the PlayStation and gave her some pointers. Once my
sister finished work for the day we went to the garage and put some shelves
together and got it semi organized. After that I just went into the den and sat
in the dark for awhile and started crying. After I couldn’t take that anymore I
took my dog out for a walk. We walked about a mile at a fast pace. I don’t know
where we went. I just walked. I got back in the house and sat back on the couch
in the den for little bit more before I felt comfortable enough to go back to
the living room with the rest of the family. We then played with her Oculus VR
gaming system. I SSSOOOOOO want one of those. Although my sister, her wife and youngest
niece were upset that the walk the plank game didn’t affect me. I’m scared of
heights, but the game didn’t scare me.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Wed. afternoon our dad came up to
help me put the dryer up on a pedestal. We talked for a little bit. He asked me
to go to his place the next day in the morning so we could go fishing and move
his boat. The other thing <a style="mso-comment-date: 20201215T1119; mso-comment-done: yes; mso-comment-reference: RJD_1;">that</a> happened while he was there is unimportant
to the story of Summer and I, but it is funny in the end so I’m going to tell
it.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">My dad recently got a new phone and
he was trying to connect their nest doorbell to it. My sister connected it to
the phone and for some reason she was showing him different features that can
be done. She connected her doorbell to his phone. She forgot to disconnect it
though before he left.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Later that night oldest niece came home
from being out with her boyfriend and she had said that earlier in the day she
fell and hit her head. Her speech was slurring, and she was feeling dizzy.
Sister, her wife and niece went to bedroom to discuss the issue. A few minutes
later I was called in and niece was excused to living room. They said they
needed another adults input. Sister’s wife wanted to just take her to the ER.
Sister said that they should call 911 and have her taken to hospital in
ambulance. She would get seen a lot faster and they had already spent their out
of pocket limit so it wouldn’t cost them anything. They wanted my opinion.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I told them if it was me, I would
call 911. Especially if it would get my child seen faster. You don’t want to
mess around with head injuries. They called oldest niece in and we explained to
her why we were calling the ambulance and not to panic. She agreed and went to
tell her boyfriend. We then had to tell youngest niece (we’ll call he mother
hen from now on) so that she would not panic.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">By this time, it was 1030. Sister-in-law
called 911 and they sent an ambulance. In the meantime, boyfriend and oldest
were going in and out of house setting off the ring. Then fire truck arrived
set off the ring again as they were going in and out. Then ambulance arrives
and they bring the gurney in. This is setting off the ring on my sister and S-I-L
phone like crazy. Then after a bit they take oldest niece out of the house on
the gurney and the house is quiet. It’s just sister, Mother Hen and I in the
house. Sister starts to mop the entire house because S-I-L is a germaphobe. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then around 1130 I receive a text form my dad
asking if oldest niece is OK what’s going on? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I asked my sister how he knew
something was going on? Did niece put something on FB? My sister looked at her
phone and saw that dad had been texting her from the first time a response
person entered the house. Apparently, he was thinking that something had
happened with me. So, sister called him and asked how he found out what was
going on and he said that he saw everything on his phone through the ring app.
He thought it was his ring going off. It was going off so frequently that my parents’
dogs were going crazy. She explained what was going on and then took him off
her ring camera. S-I-L and niece came home around 1:30/2:00 and she was fine.
The whole time Mother Hen, sister and I were sitting around waiting Mother Hen
kept laughing saying that the ring told on us.</p><p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></p><p style="text-indent: .5in;">I think that was a pretty funny
story. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. It could be that you just had to be
there.</p><p style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></p><p style="text-indent: .5in;">The reason that my dad thought
something was going on with me was because when he was there earlier in the day,
I had talked to him about something that I had been concerned about. I had been
having so many panic/anxiety attacks that I was losing track. I would be laying
down on the couch in the middle of the night and my heart would feel like I had
just run a mile. I would use the Samsung Health app on my phone and check my
heart rate and it would be in anywhere between the 160’s to the low 200’s. That
is laying down for over an hour doing nothing. I did pretty much nothing the
entire time I was there. It would last like that for hours at a time. I would
feel like the room around me was getting bigger and I was shrinking to the size
of an ant. My heart was pounding out of chest. The ticking of the clock was
extremely loud. The room was spinning. I couldn’t move. It felt like I was
being held down and my limbs were bound tight to my body. I couldn’t move my
head. Only my eyes could move. There wasn’t a headache, but I could feel
throbbing in my head. My dog was laying between my legs, but I couldn’t move
her or open my mouth.</p><p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></p><p style="text-indent: .5in;">I can remember having feelings like
this since I was a little kid. I can still remember the first time I can
remember feeling this. I was about 4 years old, and my grandma was spending the
night. She was sleeping in my room, so I had to sleep on the couch in the
living room. I woke up in the middle of the night and had the same feeling. I
was scared and wanted to call for my mom, but I couldn’t open my mouth to call
for her. I was afraid of the dark as a child and there was no way that I would
walk through the house in the dark to get here even if I could move. The only
difference between the feeling as a child and this time was that it has never
happened for as long as it did this time. It never happened in the daytime. It
was always at night. Since Oct. 24 it happens any time of the day. Sometimes I won’t
even be thinking about the issues in my marriage and it would start. It used to
never happen more than a few times a year. Now it happens multiple times a day
sometimes for an entire week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even now
after almost 2 months of knowing it is still happening. Not as often, the
feelings don’t last as long, and are not as strong as they were the first few
weeks of knowing, but they still happen.</p><p style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></p><p style="text-indent: .5in;">Back to the story. We all went to
bed as soon as S-I-L and niece got home. By 6:00 the next morning I was awake
and loading my truck to head to my parent’s house to spend Thu. night there and
move my dad’s boat. On the way I stopped at our house since Summer was not home
so I could drop off the dirty clothes and pick up my fishing license, fishing
pole and tackle box. When I walked into the house, I saw that there was a fucking
bouquet of flowers on the table. I wanted to know who they were from but didn’t
want to talk to Summer either. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mind
raced. I thought that fucking douchebag knew that I was gone and came to the
house to fuck my wife and brought her flowers. I kept picturing Summer and him
in MY bed. I couldn’t get out of the house soon enough.</p><p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></p><p style="text-indent: .5in;">That’s all for this post. I started
this on Tue., and it is now Thu. I will go over what happened at my parent’s
house in the next post along with going back home on Fri. Till next time.</p><p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
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Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-7899943413607784972020-12-10T10:56:00.000-08:002020-12-10T10:56:02.060-08:00Something happy
<p>As I stated earlier this week, I was going to post something
that was happy and upbeat. So here it goes. I must apologize though because I
will be fast forwarding to last Fri. Dec. 4<sup>th</sup>. Summer and I were
having a really bad day. We had been arguing all day since I came home from
work early. The arguing went from 9:30 in the morning to almost 6:00 at night.
Then my sister called and said that she needed me to be on speaker phone and that
Summer needed to sit down. Once I got inside the house and got Summer to sit
down, my sister told us what she was receiving as an “early Christmas present”.
</p>
<p> <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>She
told us that our step niece is pregnant! It instantly made me start smiling and
begin to laugh and I was ssssoooo excited and happy for the first time in over
a month. We were both extremely happy. We are going to be Great Aunt and Great
Uncle! It does not matter that our niece is 17. I am going to be a part of the baby’s
life from the beginning. I am going to be there for everything that I missed
with both of my nieces since I did not meet them until they were 10 and 7. </p>
<p>I still need to have a serious talk
with her boyfriend, and it is actually fun this past week knowing that he is
afraid of what I want to talk to him about. I told him that even though they
are not my daughters I still love both of my nieces as if they were my
daughters. Especially since I wanted a daughter, but it was not in the cards
for Summer and me. I also want to have serious talk with my niece as well. I’m
not mad at them. I just want to talk to them and make sure they don’t rush into
anything just because she’s pregnant. I don’t want them to end up like Summer
and I in 10 years or more because one or both regrets being married so young
and missing out on life (like is the case with Summer).</p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">When my sister told my niece that I
was actually excited about her having a baby, my niece was actually relieved. I
went to there house on Sat. for my younger niece’s dance recital and intended
to talk to them both then, but it didn’t work out. I will try again tomorrow
night when we all go out looking at Christmas lights.</p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">That phone call changed Summer and
I for the rest of the night. We stooped arguing and she started to answer me
with actual answers instead of silence and I don’t know.</p>
<p style="text-indent: .5in;">So that is all for now. I don’t
have anything else positive to say at the moment so I will go ahead and sign
out.</p>
Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-82430706722379589042020-12-09T14:53:00.002-08:002020-12-09T14:53:42.640-08:00Where to begin now?<div>So where I left off last post was about how Summer had been cheating on me again. I found out on my favorite day of the year. Opening day of duck season. Oct. 24. Which is ironic, because going through some of my very first posts ever, that is the same date I found out about Mr. D. </div><div>Summer, my dad and I went out duck hunting earlier in the day (by the way Summer got her hunting license 3 years ago). When we got home from hunting Summer and I got in the shower together and got dressed to head out to an RV dealership. I had been researching RV's for over a year to purchase and had finally narrowed it down to 2 RV's to choose from. I had thought that she was on the same page as me with getting an RV. We were only there to look. Not making a purchase. I had been watching YouTube videos daily for over a year and decided that I wanted to see one in person.</div><div>So we drove an hour away to a place that just got one of the models in that we were interested in. While we were there I was real excited and was happy with what I saw but again was only there to look. I wanted to see the second model first, plus I wasn't going to be ready until some time in spring.</div><div>The entire time she just didn't seem into it. Even though for months she would get all excited and tell me that she would see a certain model of trailer going down the road or while watching YouTube she would tell me that certain features are a deal breaker. So on the way home I tried to talk to her and she was being silent until almost halfway home she said that she felt we were moving in separate directions. WHAT?!? <br />That took me completely by surprise. I have always wanted to go one direction with her and that was to be together for the rest of our natural lives. I couldn't stand the thought of not being with her. She that was a huge part of the problem. That I make her feel smothered because I always want to spend time with her. I don't always want to spend time with her. I like having some time without her. But when we only have one day a week where we are both off work together I don't think it is too much to ask for that one day to be spent together. She has Fri. to herself to do what she wants. Sat. should be for us together. Sun. is for me without her.</div><div>I also don't think that it is too much to ask for her to take a Sun. off so we can be together for 2 days in a row. I always need to take off on Fri. because she won't take a Sun. off to do something with me. But if she wants to go back to her home town she just takes a day off and leaves. Don't even discuss it just says I'm going. I've never had a problem with her going to her hometown. I actually think that she should go more often. I would just like to have some time with her as well. We had planned since July a hunting trip together first weekend in Oct. She told me her boss denied it though. She did however have no problems telling Douchebag that I was going be leaving. Told him the time I was leaving and day I'd be back. We had also planned a hunting trip to Oregon for a year together with my dad and uncle for opening weekend of pheasant season Nov. 14. She said she was denied that as well. Although she did end up having jury duty so I have to give her an out on that.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyways I'm getting off track here. So after she told me this we went out to dinner because it was late. Didn't talk all that much. Side note by this time it was almost 7:00 in evening. I had been awake since 2:00 in morning with very little sleep because I was too excited about duck hunting to sleep. When we got home it was time for Summer to go to bed so she could get up at 3:00 to go to work a 12 hour shift in the morning.</div><div><br /></div><div>Side note here: It is important to state that after I came home from hunting in Northern Ca. first weekend in Oct. I called in sick to work on Oct. 7, which was a Thu. Summer had a Dr. appt. so she had the day off as well. She went to her appointment alone and when after she came home and we went to Walmart where she an appointment to get a haircut. I did some shopping while I waited. Once her hair was done, we left the store. As we are driving out of the parking lot, she receives a phone call. Her response is "<span style="color: red;"><i>I can't talk right now. I'm with<b> someone</b></i></span>" and then hung up. Someone. She said that I was someone. She didn't say I'm with my husband. Didn't say I'm with CH. She called me someone. </div><div><br /></div><div>So with that quick detour we now go back to the evening of Oct. 24. After she went to bed it was starting to click that something more was going on. Between being called someone 2 weeks ago, no sex for a week, her hiding her iPad if I walked behind her to let the dog outside or in the house, and now being told we were going different directions, I did what I did in 2005 when I found out about Mr. D. I looked at her phone. I saw her messages to Fucking Douchebag on FB Messenger. She told him how wet he made her and that she wanted to feel him inside of her. I felt sick. I went into the bedroom, told Alexa to turn on the light and asked her what the fuck this was. She yelled your looking through my phone and tried to grab it from me. I told her that if she tried again I would break it in half. I could feel the anger rising. I hadn't lost my temper with her since late 2004 or early 2005. I felt that I was back on the verge. Just thinking about it now is making my hands start to shake and my heart rate is increasing.</div><div> </div><div>Had to take a bit of a break there. I'm now at home and it is almost time for bed. I had to calm myself down a bit before continuing on. <br /></div><div><br /></div><div>So anyways where did I leave off there? I again asked what the fuck is this shit? Your fucking someone else again? Just rethinking about that night has me on the verge of tears again but I need to get this out. I don't remember what she said next but I took her phone and left the room. She jumped out of bed and followed me into the kitchen and kept grabbing for her phone. I put it into my pocket so she couldn't get to it. </div><div><br /></div><div>I can't do this. I need to wait till tomorrow maybe I can finish then. </div><div><br /></div><div>So this post was started on Dec. 3. It is now Dec. 8. Let's see if I can get it finished at some point before Christmas.</div><div><br /></div><div>So she kept trying to grab the phone. I ended up putting it in my pocket. We ended up in the kitchen, I was sitting on one of the counters wearing a pair of shorts and a tshirt. Summer was jolted out of bed and had no clothes on (this is important for later). Again this was on Oct. 24, so the exact words that were said I can't remember. I do know that I kept calling her a whore. Thinking back on that I know that it was wrong. I was not thinking clearly. I was reacting emotionally and not in a responsible manner. She kept saying that he was just a "friend" nothing else. If he was just a "friend" then why was she calling him love? Why did one of her messages say that she was thinking him for letting her get 3 little words out during a video chat: I love you. If he was just a friend then why did she tell him that I back in July that I didn't please her in bed and that I didn't last long enough? Why did she tell him that she wished I would just die so she could collect the life insurance money?</div><div><br /></div><div>We kept it going till past midnight. The whole time she kept trying to stick her hand up the shorts I was wearing to touch me. In one of my third or fourth posts ever I wrote how she would always try to touch me. She was trying to do it again. Only this time I was having none of it. I kept pushing her away. </div><div><br /></div><div>I asked how long this had been going on. She said not long. She kept begging me not to look at her phone anymore and I asked why. She said because he asked her to send her pictures of her without clothes. She said that she didn't do it but she didn't want me to see the message where he asked.</div><div><br /></div><div> Finally around 1:00 she went back to bed and I went to sit on the couch and read through all of the messages. In the messages she told him that she was being forced to sleep in the spare bedroom the prior week. Untrue. She came to bed with me that night. She told him early on in Oct. that she wanted to find a place of her own but could not afford it yet, and she was saving money from every check so she can afford it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I scrolled further and she told him that I was leaving town on Oct. 2 and would not be back until the 4th. She even told him what time I was leaving the house and that she wanted him to come over. Conveniently she told me that her time off request for the 4th was denied. I guess now I know why . She didn't ask for it off so she could be with Douchebag instead.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then when I saw a message from Sept. I see that she took a picture of herself at 3:00 in the morning while I was in bed and sent it to him of her laying on the couch without clothes on camera centered on her pussy. The message from her said good morning. Just thinking about your hard dick makes me so wet. Interesting because she sent him the picture without him asking.</div><div><br /></div><div>I scrolled deeper into the messages and saw that she took a picture of herself wearing lacy underwear with the string up the butt that she never wears for me. Ones that she asked me to buy her almost 3 years ago in Reno. I bought her 5 pairs. She wore one pair that weekend. Never wore them for me again. But she asks Douchebag what color he would like to see her in. Even offers to wear the sexy lingerie for him that she won't wear for me because she "don't feel comfortable". </div><div><br /></div><div>She is always telling me that she didn't sleep well at night because the dog needed to go outside. But looking at the messages she would wait till I was asleep to go message him at midnight or 11:00 or 1:00. I always thought it was interesting that the dog always needed to go out in the middle of the night but when she was working nights or was out of town the dog never got out of bed when it was just dog and me. ow that the messages have stopped with Douchebag, the dog miraculously doesn't go out in middle of the night.</div><div><br /></div><div>Scrolling more I see her tell him she can't afford a place of her own yet.</div><div><br /></div><div>In July she told him that I don't please her in bed anymore because I don't last long enough. Same conversation she told him that she wished I would die so she can get the life insurance money. That's not happening. When I found out I took her off of the life insurance policy and added our oldest and our 2 nieces instead. She also told him that she didn't want to go on our trip together. She told me she was looking forward to going to Oregon and seeing Crater Lake.</div><div><br /></div><div>Scrolled through and saw that she fucking sexted him in March on our anniversary!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!! Our 26th anniversary she is sexting someone else.</div><div><br /></div><div>In Feb. she told him when I was going to be out of town goose hunting.</div><div><br /></div><div>She did the same thing when I was goose hunting for a week in Jan.</div><div><br /></div><div>This was after I took her on a cruise to Mexico the prior week. She had me buy her several hundred dollars in jewelry. Told me she had a great time. Told him she had a bad time and hated being with me for the 4 days.</div><div><br /></div><div>She was sexting him around Christmas and sending him photos for weeks prior to that. There was no regular talking even in the very first messages that I saw. It was straight to sexting. Saying they wished to actually be in each others beds. SHE WANTED TO BRING SOMEONE ELSE INTO MY BED!!!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>And this was only the messages that I could see. They also had voice calls via FB Messenger as well at all hours of the night and sometimes while she was at work throughout the year. Then there was the video calls with messenger which happened almost weekly. Then there is the phone calls and text messages that she erased right after they came in. I have no clue how often those happened or for how long they went on for.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh....she also wrote to him about a week before I found out that she was worried about him because he "couldn't finish" due to his age. WHAT!?! She tells him I don't last long enough but tells him she is worried about his fucking age!</div><div><br /></div><div>By this point it was almost 2 in the morning. I couldn't take it anymore. I had been awake for 24 hours at this point and had to get out of the house. I called my sister and she actually answered. I told her I was on my way and she said the door would be open when I got there. I called the dog and loaded her in the truck and we left. Summer asked where I was going and I told her it was none of her business.</div><div><br /></div><div>The drive that normally takes almost an hour only took me just over 30 minutes and that's with getting gas. I got there just after 2:30. Walked in the door hugged my sister and lost it. She took me to the garage so I didn't wake up my niece. She packed a bowl for me and I talked to her about that happened and about Mr. D and the fact that I feel like I am cheating on her for just watching a pornhub video if we haven't had sex in over a week.</div><div><br /></div><div>After all this time I feel like if I watch a porn that I cheating on her.</div><div><br /></div><div>We went inside and stayed up talking till about 4. From there I was getting up and peeing every 20-30 minutes even though I wasn't drinking any water. I was having multiple panic/anxiety attacks. I wasn't sleeping at all. My whole body was shaking. Finally around 5 or 6 in evening my sister drove me home. I couldn't drive because I didn't sleep at all that day. I got home and opened a beer chugged it and opened another. Stayed on deck talking with my sister and her wife for almost an hour before they went back home.</div><div><br /></div><div>I went into the bedroom and found a way to cast my tablet to the TV and put porn on the TV, covered my head with a pillow and waited for Summer to arrive home from working 12 hour shift. When she got home she had the fucking nerve to be mad at me for porn on the TV saying "Oh I should have known this is what you would do". Really? known this is what I would do? I wasn't even watching it! I was laying on my side away from TV with a pillow over my head. I told her no this is to show you that if I ever wanted to cheat on you this is my idea of cheating. </div><div><br /></div><div>This was at about 8:30. We stayed up "talking" till midnight. By this point I was up for just shy of 48 hours. I have no clue what was said in that conversation I was out of it. between the few beers and the total lack of sleep. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had already called my boss on Sun. and told him I was not going to be at work on Mon. I slept till about 5 or 6 and couldn't get back to sleep. I got up and went to do something on the computer and for the first time since 2013 I logged into my FB account. I saw that a friend form HS had sent me a messenger message just a few days prior asking how things were doing. He was also the best man at our wedding. I told him things weren't good. So we talked for a few hours.. I also looked up Douchebag and typed out a long message to him, then called Summer at work. I was on the phone with her for over an hour. She kept asking what I was typing on the keyboard. Who was dinging me on messenger (because of course she knows exactly what sound that is). I told her none of her business. Then I finally told her I was typing a message to douchebag. She started begging me not to send it to him. She wouldn't give me a reason at all as to why I shouldn't send it to him.</div><div><br /></div><div>My friend ended up being the one to talk me out of sending it. Told me I needed to take the high road and be the better man. So I sent it to Summer instead.</div><div><br /></div><div>After that I messaged my sister and asked if I could stay with her for a few days and she said come on up. She would add my phone to her smart lock so I could walk in at anytime. I went to the bedroom, packed clothes and the dogs things and left. I did leave my wedding ring on the counter with a picture of us in Mexico and wrote on a piece of paper that apparently just like me the picture and ring mean absolutely nothing to her.</div><div><br /></div><div>I then left and was gone for 5 days.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wow that was an ordeal to get typed up. It is now Dec. 9 as I am hitting the publish button.</div><div><br /></div><div>Till next time.</div>Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-92100382841971008872020-12-07T14:26:00.003-08:002020-12-10T08:34:53.558-08:00Having a hard time
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So, I’m
not sure how I am going to proceed this time around. I know that how I did it when
I started to first write on this page many years ago, was to start in the beginning
as each post was about how things progressed. Then I got to current events. I’m
just not sure if I will be able to do that this time. I’m thinking that what I
might need to do is go back and forth. Otherwise I’m never going to be able to
proceed. I’ve been trying for 5 days to get my next post created and I am just
having a hard time writing it. Every time I try to write it, I turn into a blubbering
fucking mess. I can’t type more than a line or two and I just can’t proceed
anymore. I am trying to go into detail about what happened the night I found
out that Summer was cheating on me for a year.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So, as
it stands now, I found out on Oct. 24. It is now Dec. 7. Summer has not contact
Douchebag since Nov. 23. Douchebag has not even read any of the last 3 messages
that Summer sent him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least they haven’t
communicated via FB Messenger. I have no clue if they have called each other on
the phone or have used text messages to communicate now instead of using Messenger.
She has already admitted that she used to delete his phone calls and messages
so there really is no way of knowing at this point. I n one of her messages to
him in right after I found out she told him to start using a different app
(Kik) for messaging each other. Although she swears that they have not used the
app to communicate, it now shows on her iPad as a frequently used app.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I just don’t
know what to believe anymore. When I first found out about it, she told me that
she didn’t love me anymore and she was just waiting for the time to leave. Then
when I was out of the house for a few days staying at my sisters, she told me
she loved me on the phone. I asked her why she said that, and she said it was
out of habit, not because she meant it. She said that she wanted to leave and wasn’t
going to change her mind. She didn’t think there was anything left to work on.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now
fast forward a little bit to within the last week or so and she has done a 180.
She now says that she loves me and that she means it. She says that she wants
to work on our marriage, and she believes there is something to save. Oddly
enough though is that she started saying these things AFTER Douchebag stopped
reading and replying to her messages.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>She
says that she wants to work on it, and she wants me to trust her again. But
when I ask her questions about why she did it, what is she getting out of the
relationship with him, I get silence or “I don’t know”. I ask her why she wants
to work on it and her reply is because I love her, and I want to work on this.
She doesn’t say because she loves me, or because she believes there is
something worth saving. Although I guess she has heard me react to that enough
that she says she wants to work on it because she believes that there is
something to work on now instead of saying because it is what I want.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I don’t
know if she is saying that she wants to work on it and that she loves me
because she really means it, or if she is saying it out of habit. Or if she is
saying it because she doesn’t have enough money saved for her to get her own
apartment (something that she has told one of her friends). Or is she just
staying with me because she feels sorry for me? Or because I found out so close
to Thanksgiving and Christmas. She really wants to leave and really is done
with being with me, but she wants to wait until Christmas is over.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I am
just so fucking confused right now! I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t
want her to stay with me because she feels sorry for me. I don’t want her to stick
around just because of a dam holiday. I don’t want her to stick around out of
some form of guilt or sense of duty. I want her to want to be with me. I want
her to want to be faithful to me. I don’t her sympathy or her pity. </p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>As said
in one of my very early posts I don’t believe in separations or “trial
separations”. It’s simple. You either want to be with me or you don’t. You
either love me or you don’t. If Summer wants to go be on her own for a few
months so she can figure out what she wants, then she just needs to leave and
be done. I’m not going to be waiting around to be some fucking consolation
prize. I’m not going to sit at home every night missing her hoping that she
will come back, wondering what she’s doing or who she’s doing it with. Or quite
frankly wonder WHO she is doing. I’m not going to be left at home needing to be
faithful to her because we are still married, but on a trial separation while
she goes out and fucks whoever she wants whenever she wants. After she goes
screwing whoever she wants then to decide to come back to me? I’m supposed to
just accept that and just be happy that she decided she wants to be with me
instead of someone else? What kind of bullshit is that?! Of course, this is IF she
even decides that she wants to come back to me. Actually, it’s all a moot point
since I will draw the line there. As I have said a separation trial or not,
will NOT be happening. Period.</p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Even
writing this post is harder than I thought it would be. Not because I’m a
fucking emotional wreck, but because my mind has so much shit that needs to
come out and it is going way to fast for me to even try to type it out. It’s
like that when Summer and I have a talk in the evenings. On an occasion that I
ask a question and she answers it, all it does is generate more questions. I’m
not talking one answer creates one question. I mean she gives one answer and it
generates up to 6 or more new questions and I can’t keep track of them all. </p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Now that I am writing this post it’s
the same thing. My mind is racing with what I want to say, but my fingers just can’t
type fast enough. By the time my fingers catch up I’ve lost what I was going to
type. There are so many conversations that we have had and answers that she has
given me that I want to put here. I want to get them here as soon as I can, so
they don’t get lost or forgotten about. Art the same time I need to try and get
them on here in a way that is understandable and not just a jumble and going
back and forth.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">With that said, I do need to just
jump out of order completely and write this down. Not for you that may or may
not be reading but for me so that I never forget. She has said multiple times
in the last week and a half that she is sorry for what she did and sorry for
hurting me. Every time she says this, I give the same response. You aren’t that
sorry about it. You’re just sorry that I found out. You weren’t sorry about it
when you were doing it. You weren’t sorry that you were doing this for over a
year. She says she was sorry when she was doing it. I say no you weren’t. If
you were sorry, you never would have done it to begin with.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to keep reminding myself of this. If I
don’t remind myself of this then I will just accept that she’s sorry, I’ll
forgive her like I did with Mr. D and we will be right back in this situation
again in a few years. Or maybe next time it won’t be years. Maybe next time it
will be months. Or maybe her and Douchebag are just waiting for me to stop
obsessing over this and drop all the conversations, so they go back to doing
what they have been doing for the past year.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">That brings up another point. I
know for a fact that they were doing this FB messenger sexting thing last Dec.
because I saw the messages going back that far before Summer erased them all.
This of course was AFTER she promised me that she wouldn’t erase them. However,
she did admit that she did erase the messages at least one time before Dec.
2019.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For all I know she has been
sexting this fucking Douchebag for a few years. She says no but how can I
possibly believer her? How can I believe anything that she says anymore? She
can tell me the sky is blue and I would have to go look because she lies to me
about fucking everything.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Originally, she started talking to
him in March after the lockdowns, but when I scrolled to see when they started,
I saw Dec. 2019 (again she erased all messages prior to Dec. 2019 so no clue
when they actually started). She then swore from the day I found out Oct. 24 to
last Fri. Dec. 4, that she has never been to his house, and that he has never
been to our house. But I looked up his name in Google and found his address. So,
I then said that he lived on x St. when she got home and that he was actually
53 not 47 like she told me. Instantly she said he don’t live on x St. what did you
do talk to one of your coworkers? So I started to type on my phone and she kept
trying to loom at it. But god forbid I look at her phone or iPad. She has a
fucking fit. I have news for you Summer: YOUR THE ONE WHO CHEATS NOT ME! YOU’RE
THE ONE WHO CAN’T BE TRUSTED AND LIES NOT ME! I gave you free range of my
emails, texts, phone calls everything for years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b>IT FUCKING ENDS NOW!! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>So I type in his name again and get the
street name correct. It then hits me: if she has never been to his fucking
house, how does she know the x St. was not where he lived? So I confronted her
with this. She said that he went to his house once back in Mar. She also swore
that absolutely nothing happened when she was there.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">BULLSHIT ON BOTH COUNTS!!! I do not
believe she was only there once back in Mar. if so how would she remember the name
of the street Douchebag lives on? I already know that they have been sexting
for 4 months by this time that she went to his house. So how fucking stupid
does she think I am to believe the were sexting each other for 4 months but
when they see each other that they did nothing? And before you or Summer
answers how stupid she believes I am I already know the answer. She and Douchebag
feel I am extremely stupid. I mean I let her cheat on me for a fucking year! I
let her cheat on me multiple times in 26 years of marriage so yes, I am the dumbest
fucking person alive right now. </p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Summer I know that you have been to
his house more than once. I am positive that he has been to our house. I am
positive that you have done more than just sexting, sending pictures and live videoing
yourself pleasure yourself. You are just too fucking afraid to tell me the
truth because you don’t want to hurt my feelings. Your afraid that I will lose
my temper with you and get beyond pissed off. News flash Love: I have every
fucking right to lose my shit with you right now after what you have done and
for how long you have done it. But have I lost my shit with you at all since
Oct. 24? No, I have not. You need to let me be able to determine what I can
handle and what I can’t handle. You need to come to terms with the fact that
you fucked up and deal with the consequences. Stop using my anger as an excuse.
I haven’t lost my temper with you in 15 years. Stop giving me “I don’t know” as
an answer. You know why you cheated on me. You know what you were getting out
this relationship with Douchebag. Stop giving me the silent treatment instead
of answers.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">My feeling is that if Summer truly
loved me like she has been saying for the last weeks and she believes that
there is something to save that she would give me real answers and the lies
would stop. I do want to be with her still. I want to be married to her and
love her. But for that to happen I need answers. I need the lies to stop. I don’t
need Summer to be talking with me in the kitchen and then out of nowhere say “Can
I love you forever?” I was feeling really good until she said that to me. We
were having a good conversation, I was smiling. We weren’t even talking about
the cheating. But as soon as she said that I started crying like a fucking
baby. I couldn’t hold it together. She said that she was sorry and that she didn’t
mean to hurt me. It just made me fell worse for being fucking weak. I just can’t
cope right now. I just feel weak every time I start to cry or feel like I can’t
do this. I keep beating myself up for something that Summer made a conscious decision
to do. Cheating on me and lying to me for over a year is NOT an accident. That
is something that you choose to do openly and willingly. Summer made that
choice and she was caught. Now she needs to face the music and stop giving I don’t
know answers and stop being silent when a question is asked. If she is not
willing to do that then she needs to just rip the band aid off, pack her shit
and leave.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">It may sound harsh but how fucking
harsh was it for her to cheat on me? For her to give this fucking douchebag
asshole all the things that I have asked for? For her to offer him those things
without him even asking for them? For her to respond to me that I’m gross and
disgusting when I ask her to send me a picture, or try to sext her, or try to
get her to touch herself? </p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">After all that SHE has done for
over a year, she has the nerve to ask me what I am doing to work on our
relationship. What do you mean by that? What did I do wrong that needs to be worked
on? What am I doing to work on this? I am allowing you to still live under the
same roof as me. I didn’t kick you out of the house after you lied, cheated,
humiliated me, emasculated me etc. I am trying to forgive you. I am trying to
believe you even when you continue to lie to me. I am not looking at your phone
or iPad behind your back. If that isn’t good enough just say something. You
know where the suitcases are. Just leave both credit cards on the counter along
with the ATM card for my checking account. Either that or tell me what I did
wrong to deserve this bullshit. Tell what you think I need to work on. From
where I am sitting, I don’t have a thing to work on except to decide if I am
going to allow this to happen anymore. I need to decide what I am willing to
put up with in this marriage.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">At some point the cheating that she
does becomes my fault because I allow it to happen. I can’t keep crying to
people that she is cheating on me if I believe her every time she tells me that
she won’t do it again. I need to tell myself that as much as I love her, as bad
it will be to be single again, it is better to be alone than to be with someone
the disrespects you and humiliates you and lies to you. </p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">What am I doing to work on our
marriage? I am telling myself that I still want Summer in my life. I still want
to be married to her. I still love her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is what I am doing to work things out. I
am willing to believe her even when she lies to me. I am willing to trust her.
I torture myself everyday on my way home from work because I am afraid to come
home (more on that in a different post). I lose sleep every night. I haven’t had
a full night’s sleep since Oct. 24. I fight the urge to look at her phone or
iPad to see if she is telling me the truth when she says they haven’t talked. I
believe her when she says they haven’t switched to Kik instead of FB Messenger.
I haven’t gone to his house even though I know where he lives. Especially since
it is actually a lot closer than she initially made me believe. She told me he
lived in the same town we lived in back in 2005. In fact, he actually lives in
the same city we currently live in. We drive past his fucking house every time
we go to Walmart on payday. That is what I am doing Summer. What are you doing?
You ask me for details about my therapy sessions but refuse to talk to me about
yours. Again, the double standard. She expects to be able to look at my phone,
but I can’t look at hers. She wants details about my therapy but won’t talk
about hers.</p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> </p>
<p style="text-indent: 0.5in;">At this point I have gotten way off
track and have gone places I wasn’t sure I should go. I kept going between
talking to my readers and directly to Summer. So, with that being said, I will
end this. I am going to do my very best to try and come up with something
positive for my next post. It may not be as long winded as this one since the
positive is very hard to find right now, but I will at least try.</p>
Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-7807235330099864052020-12-02T14:42:00.002-08:002020-12-02T14:42:36.373-08:00Still here and still Confused<p> <span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;">Well here I am after a many year hiatus. So much has happened in the last few years that I have been gone. There have been good things and bad things. Some of it is minor things others are major and the biggest has been life altering and I do not know if I will be able to recover from it.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;">I really don't know where to start at this point. Do I just jump right in and tell you all what has happened that is so life altering? Or should I try and give you quick updates as to everything that has happened in the last few years that I have not been here? Hell I don;t even know if there are any of my old readers out there anymore. The list of Blogs that I used to read is no longer on my site. I guess that means that either they have all disappeared or that that no one has posted to them in quite some time. Meaning that they have in a sense disappeared. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;">Either way I find myself in need of a place to let someone, anyone know what is going on in my life. Whether that be to some of my old readers, Some random person stumbling on my site for the first time or even if it to no one at all but for me to look back on and ask what the FUCK was I thinking? Your such a pussy for thinking that you could not recover from this. I know that it is stupid to think that I will not be able to get over this. But when I get inside my head like has been known to happen I can't help it. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;">If you have read my posts from years before you will no that I was on medications for depression for a few years. 10 years to be exact. I actually was able to completely get off of all the meds in 2015. Now I am back on the meds for depression and also to help me sleep at night. Even when I take a double dose of the med for sleep along with Melatonin I am only getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I always wake up between 1 and 2 in the morning and my mind just runs wild thinking about what happened. Why it happened. How it happened. How long it has been going on. Blaming myself even though I did not do this or cause this. plus a thousand other things just comes racing into my head and won't leave. Then when Summer Rose (for new readers she is my wife) wakes up at 3 to do her morning exercises is when it gets worse.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;">So I guess I will just out right say what has happened. Summer has been cheating on me for over a year. The reason it gets worse when she gets out of bed to do her exercises is because that's the main time that her and her "friend" (from here on out to be referred to as Douchebag) would do their thing. She would tell me that she is working out in the morning, but she was really doing is sexting a person instead. Something that I have tried to get her to do with me for years and she would say that I am gross and disgusting or that I was bothering her. She would take pictures of herself with no clothes on and send them to him. Another thing that she would never ever let me do since we stopped Bogging. She would video call him so he could watch her play with herself. Sometimes with toys that I bought her to use with me. She wear the sexy underwear that I would buy her for him but in 2 years of owning them she would never wear them for me.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;">I can almost handle the sexting with him. But it is the fact that he was getting things from her that she would refuse to do for me. Also the fact that she let it go WAY beyond just sexting him. She would tell him she loved him. She would tell him that I did not satisfy her in bed. She told him in July that she wished I would just die so that she could get the life insurance money. The life insurance by the way that SHE insisted that I get. She told him I drink to much. She told him that she wanted to find her own place to live but could not afford it.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;">What was she telling me this entire time? That she loved me. That she wanted to love me forever. She even was asking me as close as August if we could get remarried! This is after she told this Mother Fucker that she loved him and wanted to leave me! Why does this keep happening to me?!? Remember Mr. D from back when I first started this Blog in 2005? How I said that I believed her when she said that they never slept together? How she in her Blog said that they never slept together? Well in 2013 I found out that she did in fact get into his bed and she FUCKED him! MORE THAN ONCE!!!!!! And she expects me to believe that she never fucked this new guy at all. It was only sexting and video messaging on Facebook Messenger. Even though every time I would leave home for a weekend to go hunting or camping she would tell him that I was going to be out of town and that we have a door with a broken lock. <span style="color: red;"><i><b>She told him how to get into MY FUCKING HOUSE when I'm not home!!!!!! </b></i><span style="color: #351c75;">And what do I do? I FUCKING BEG HER NOT TO LEAVE ME! What kind of fucking man am I?</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: #351c75;"> Oh dear readers if there are any left it gets worse than that. Sometime in 2006 or 2007 after she had her massage therapy business going she did it again and just now told me about it. To make it even worse about that guy it was with the same fucking douchebag that she has been sexting with now! She swears now that it was just a hand job after she gave him a massage (something that she has flat out refused to do for me for years). Then in 2010 she she made out a different guy while I was at work. The in 2013 she had an emotional affair with her ex boyfriend for high school. That's when I found out that she fucked Mr. D. She told him what she lied to me about for 8 years. So where does that leave us now? We have been married for 26 years and I don't know who I'm married to anymore. That's 5 times in 26 years that she has cheated on me. I'm really thinking that there are more though. Especially when she made a comment last week <span style="color: #04ff00;"><i>"<span style="color: #2b00fe;">That you know about"</span></i></span> which leads me to believe there were more times that she hasn't come clean about yet.</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-family: Kalam;">I can't believe it but it has taken me almost an entire week to get this post written. I have so much more to say but I need to end this one here and begin with a new post. At some point I need to write about something happy again. I also need to go into more detail about how things are going right now and other things I just don't want to put too much into one post. Especially after being gone for so long.</span></span></p>Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-54822343869742180952008-06-02T23:00:00.000-07:002008-06-02T23:01:04.586-07:00Ch Is Working DaysSince my dearest hubby has decided not to come back to blogging, any time soon. He is doing very well. I did ask Ch when he was planning on returning to blog land there was no answer, he owns another blog that family can venture to and leave comments, he has not touched that one either I have no idea what will happen if I don't post for him. There are two posts up on my blog that tells what we are going through I must warn you will, it will not be easy to read. There is so much more to post than what I have there. So much pain and tears seemed to well every time I write. Ch will be back to working night starting in July I'm not looking forward to it, what can you do. It's part of life and his job that he has to do. I'm blessed everyday to have such a wonderful husband Ch has become and every day I let him know it. In the mean time keep watching my blog for further updates.<br /><br />Love<br />Summer RoseSummer Rosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03203620307253611515noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-51074016732839115022008-02-26T21:00:00.000-08:002008-02-26T21:07:15.426-08:00Did I forget to mention in my previous post that I finally got that promotion?<br /><br /><br /><br />I did?<br /><br /><br />Sorry. Well I finally got the promotion at work and it was official Last week on the 17th. That's good news #1. Good news #2 is that we got a second person to do my job. That means that the position that has been empty for 2 years is now full. The good thing about that is that I am no longer stuck on the 3:30 to midnight shift. Beginning sometime in May after the new guy is trained I will move back to the day shift for 2 months. Then we will be on a 2 month rotation. That way we will keep up to date on how to do the full aspect of the job and not just the paperwork portion. It also means that I won't be burnt out anymore and will be able to spend some much needed time with my family in the evenings.<br /><br />Ta-ta!Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-21954752076591611672008-02-22T08:34:00.000-08:002008-02-22T09:21:21.754-08:00Amazingly enough I am still alive. Surprising to hear I know but it is true. I have been pretty much gone from blogging for a month now. Haven't even been stopping by to read any since the beginning of the month. Too many things have gotten in the way lately. But here's a little secret: Not all of the reasons for my disappearance are bad. Our old computer took a dump last month so we were down to one computer. Summer needed the laptop for school so I was out of a computer for awhile. Luckily we did our taxes and got a really nice return so new bought a new one. I love it! Windows Vista isn't nearly as bad as I heard it made out to be either.<br /><br />I have also refound some old past times as well in the last few weeks. I have started fishing on the weekends with the boys while Summer has been at work. We haven't had much luck but we have had fun all the same. Then at the very beginning of the month I got pretty sick and bored. So I found another favorite past time of mine. Reading. I figured that I have already watched the first three movies of Harry Potter that I didn't need to start from the4 beginning. So I started at book 4 on the 3rd of the month. I finished that book and actually liked it so then I watched the movie. Then went on to the next book and movie the following week. Long story short I finished the last book last night. Did I mention that I started to read it on Tue night? That was a record for me. First off reading 4 books in less than a month, and secondly reading a book in 3 days. There was a downside to reading these books though. i have a tendency when I get into a book to REALLY get into a book. So that was what I was spending all of my waking hours doing. Reading. I was staying up till 2 or 3 in the morning reading. I would read at work instead of working. It would just consume me. I would find myself dreaming about the book but not what I had read but what I thought would happen next. The most surprising thing about reading these four books and the amount of time it took to read them was how interested I was in them. Especially since they were, in thew beginning a kids book.<br /><br />Enjoy your weekend!Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-90631380895378652562008-01-22T12:26:00.000-08:002008-01-22T12:47:13.118-08:00As Summer said over the weekend I'm taking kind of a break. I just haven't been feeling it lately. with everything that has been going on lately I guess I've just lost the oomph so to speak. That and the fact that the home computer has taken a dump on us. So we are now sharing one computer until we can afford to by a new one. Since Summer is going to school and she needs the computer the most I haven't been online as much. things at work have made me afraid to use the computers at work as well.<br /><br />The depression has hit me really hard the last week or two as well. I've had at least 4 panic attacks just this month. This is with taking the medication like I'm supposed to. I was so bad last week that when I was driving home from my moms house one night I was actually afraid to be behind the wheel. During an appointment with my therapist last week I told him that I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. I just don't know how much more I can take.Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-71252746382287045732008-01-19T16:19:00.000-08:002008-01-19T16:31:44.249-08:00Post #365Ch went on a break so I'm going to go ahead, and just post of what I know here. The rest of the details will be on my blog, as soon I get a paper out of the way for school. Once again his depression has gotten the best of him; Mom, dad and sister and sister's friend are in Hawaii celebrating both of their <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Annie's</span> of being clean I think it's been about 5 yrs for both of them. His funk is caused by not having any time with us, and there is also the kiddo situation which has turned worse than ever. We are looking into getting another emergency I.E.P and possibly looking into <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">suing</span> the county that we live in. So in the meantime keep us in your thoughts and prayers it seems we can never have too many of those.<br /><br />Thank you for your understanding<br />Summer RoseSummer Rosehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03203620307253611515noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-42979671379780454392007-12-11T13:03:00.000-08:002007-12-11T13:03:23.880-08:00Hey out there! Do any of you still remember me? I'm CH. I know that I've been lacking lately. That might be an understatement actually. I don't know what it is but I just haven't been able to get the gumption up to post on here as of late. I'm torn. Don't know what to do. Don't know what would make me happier. I've thought a lot recently about shutting down. Then every time I think that I also think that it would be a waste to do so.I have 3 years of my life documented here. I don't want to just give up on it. I'll probably just not post as often. Who knows.<br /><br />So anyways not much has been going on here in the last few weeks since I last posted. I've been making cookies for Christmas again. I'm on my fifth double batch so far. Still have at least 2-3 more double batches to go. As usual I'm going over board on the cookies again. But we go through a lot. 2 Christmas parties, give some away to our neighbors on Christmas day, then there is the ones we'll take to my parents on Christmas day. So we go through a lot too. It's not like I eat them all to myself. That gets saved for the Cordial Cherries. Those are all MINE!<br /><br />Hunting has been pretty slow lately. I haven't had many opportunities to go. Although 2 weeks ago I got the chance to go on the best pheasant hunt of my life. It was truly amazing. It was like watching a show on the Outdoor Chanel that was taped in South Dakota. Truly a once in a lifetime hunt for someone from Ca.<br /><br />Jr. has been keeping us busy with his 4H stuff. He is showing a goat this year. Plus the chili cook off that he has signed up for next month. He's also signed up for the rocketry club as well. So we're pretty busy with that.<br /><br />Youngest is doing alright. At least he is when I'm around. School has been pretty good for him. Home has been getting a little better. At least we are moving ahead in the right direction.<br /><br />Summer has started babysitting to make some extra money. She's also going back to school starting next week. I think that she has pretty much given up on massage. She did give it a fair try though. We just need more income coming in. Half of her check is going into the gas tank now. Plus her employer has stopped paying standby time. So if she is not giving massages she's not getting paid. They are really slow lately too so sometimes she's there for 6 hours and only does 1 massage. That's a lot of time to be sitting around and not be getting paid.<br /><br />As for me my schedule/shift has started taking it's toll on me. Right now I'm just hoping that we can get a second lead worker on the crew. Soon. I love the work aspect of the shift still, but I'm getting tired of not seeing the family. I get to see the kids for about 20 minutes in the morning and half an hour for dinner. Summer and I see each other at dinner and thats about it. Unless she comes home from work early. Which isn't often. Plus she works on my days off and I work on hers. We get to a point where we are doing really well together and we can't see each other. So here's to hoping we get a second lead so that I can go back to days. Or at the very least go on a rotating shift which is what my boss wants. If we get two leads he wants to rotate us every two months so we get the experience of the whole job. not just one part. Right now I'm great at the paperwork aspect. But when it comes to the maintenance aspect I suck. I don't deal with that on my shift.<br /><br />I am taking some time off soon though so that's going to be nice. SR is going to be taking some time off as well at the same time so we can spend time together. I'm working day shift on the 23rd and 24th so I can attend the work Christmas party. Then I don't go back to work until the 2nd of Jan. I'll be off for 8 days and only use 4 days of vacation. Gotta know how to work the system. :D<br /><br />Hopefully I'll be back in a week or so. We'll see.Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-40085116813749236842007-11-18T11:13:00.000-08:002020-11-30T20:40:42.221-08:00Do I look mad?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpTlKp-Arp27CzrsvgS1wRZrPdfUxurVuz60fx46c44kXnrd4re75HlrRVYj2qq4LAbH-fnbU2AHUmpi4REs98FwLP1eXH-tvte6aYyha4zKRRAP7-kHEcMjM2B5G_XTKuvWxx/s1600-h/Nov.+17+Griz+9.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5134260836571561234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpTlKp-Arp27CzrsvgS1wRZrPdfUxurVuz60fx46c44kXnrd4re75HlrRVYj2qq4LAbH-fnbU2AHUmpi4REs98FwLP1eXH-tvte6aYyha4zKRRAP7-kHEcMjM2B5G_XTKuvWxx/s200/Nov.+17+Griz+9.JPG" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a>
I really need to do something about all the gray hairs in my beard.
For some reason my youngest thinks I look mad in this photo. How can I be mad? I'm out duck hunting! Life don't get better than that. Well unless you wake up to an amazingly sexy wife the next day that is feeling kinda amorous. :DConfused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-5397003403892934422007-11-06T07:47:00.000-08:002007-11-06T07:49:47.846-08:00And this my friends is just one in a long list of reasons why I hate the dentist.<a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21599495/?GT1=10547">Dentist loses drill bit in patients nasal cavity</a>. I know the possibility of this happening to me are very slim to none, but I'm sure thats what this poor woman thought too.Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-22883967682255688542007-11-02T17:13:00.000-07:002007-11-02T17:14:37.382-07:00Sky Rockets in Flight.<br /><br />Afternoon delight.<br /><br />Oh yeah life is good once again. :DConfused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-86143084622234834072007-10-28T13:27:00.000-07:002007-10-28T23:30:01.517-07:00growing up in the 80's (edited)<em><span style="color:#3333ff;">I'm terribly sorry about how this turned out. It was supposed to have pictures to go along with all of these but they won't show up for some reason. so I am taking them off of the post so it won't take up a lot of empty space. The pictures would have helped a lot for the younger crowd RS and Therese. Especially for the garbage Pail Kids. Man I LOVED those.</span></em><br /><br /><br /><br />You Know You Grew Up In the 80's if:<br /><br />1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.<br /><br />2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton<br /><br />3. You know that 'WOAH' comes from Joey on Blossom<br /><br />4. If you ever watched 'Fraggle Rock'<br /><br />5. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.<br /><br />6. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.<br /><br />7. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school. <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">One of the greatest computer games EVER!</span><br /><br />8. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.<br /><br /><br />9. You played the game 'MASH'(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)<br /><br />10. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it. <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">I totally rocked the stonewashed look. Had two jean jackets. 1 stonewashed and the other was washed in bleach.</span><br /><br />11. You know the profound meaning of ' WAX ON , WAX OFF'<br /><br />12. You wanted to be a Goonie.<br /><br />13. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)<br /><br />14. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.<br /><br />15. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.<br /><br /><br /><br />16. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.<br /><br /><br />17. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.<br /><br />18. You still get the urge to say 'NOT' after every sentence.<br /><br />19. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.<br /><br />21. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.<br /><br />22. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying 'I know you are, but what am I?'<br /><br />23. You remember 'I've fallen and I can't get up'<br /><br />24. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.<br /><br />25. You have ever played with a Skip-It.<br /><br />26. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.<br /><br />27. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.<br /><br /><br />28. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot. <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">She was hot! I had the biggest crush on her when I was in Jr. High. I would have given my left nut to be with her.</span><br /><br />29. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.<br /><br />30. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as 'NKOTB' <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">I won't comment on this one.</span><br /><br />31. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on 'Saved By The Bell,' The ORIGINAL class.<br /><br />32. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.<br /><br />33. You just sang those words to yourself.<br /><br />34. You still sing 'We are the World'<br /><br />35. You tight rolled your jeans. <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">We didn't tight roll our jeans like pictured here. Instead we used safety pins to get the jeans tight around the ankles and have a crease go up your leg.</span><br /><br />36. You owned a bannana clip.<br /><br />37. You remember 'Where's the Beef?'<br /><br />38. You used to (and probably still do)<br />say 'What you talkin' 'bout Willis?'<br /><br />39. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-54607099704647334342007-10-27T21:47:00.000-07:002007-10-27T21:53:55.991-07:00I passed!!That's right folks. Back in Aug. I wrote ever so briefly <a href="http://cofusedhusband.blogspot.com/2007/08/for-lack-of-anything-else-to-post.html">about</a> taking a promotional test for my job. Well guess what? I <b>PASSED!!!</b> I just got the notice in the mail today. I didn't do as good as I did last year (I was ranked 18) but I still passed (22 this year). So that means that my temporary position that I'm in now will become permanent in the coming months. Pay raise here I come!<br /><br />So if you don't mind SR has something sexy planned to celebrate. :DConfused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-27227188968495272242007-10-26T15:36:00.000-07:002007-10-26T15:38:07.476-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.thecopymacheen.com/images/molested.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px;" src="http://www.thecopymacheen.com/images/molested.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12164738.post-73619958001081132592007-10-26T11:15:00.000-07:002007-10-26T11:24:54.722-07:00In the spirit of <a href="http://restoringthecovenant.blogspot.com/2007/10/what-i-learned-this-week-idiots.html">RS's</a> 'what I learned this week' I decided that I just had to put this one up. <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/wrtv/20071024/lo_wrtv/14413123">Mom gives 4 month old bottle with whiskey</a>. <br /><br />Honestly I just don't know what to say about this. I've heard of rubbing a little whiskey on a baby's gums when they are teething. But to give them a bottle with whiskey in it completely different. Let's not forget the fact that this is no longer the 50's. There is medicine to use now that wasn't available for teething babies in the "old" days. Just amazing.Confused Husbandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09526136327053673871noreply@blogger.com0