Thursday, November 17, 2005

Well now where do we go?

I'm sitting here now feeling like the lowest piece of scum on earth. I read my wife's Blog today. I am so fucking blind. How could I not see what I was doing to her all these years? Is it possible to be this stupid? Well apparently it is possible, because I am that stupid.
All this time I had no idea what I was doing to her. If I knew that was what was going on I would not have stopped her from leaving me last year. I would have had her leave long before that. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And all that I have done for the last 11 years is push her away from me.
I knew that when I asked her to start her own Blog that she would say some things that would not be good. But I felt and still do feel that these things needed to come out. I just never thought it was this bad.
So here I am. I really feel like shit right now. My throat is all tight. My stomach is all knotted up. I'm having a hard time looking at my wife. Neither one of us knows where we are at anymore. I just don't know what to say anymore. For the first time in years I'm actually crying. I deserve every bad comment I have received on here, along with every thing that my wife has said. There is nothing that I can do to take it back. There's nothing I can do to make things better. My wife is scared of me. What else is there to say? If my wife were to come to me right now and say she wants to leave I would have to let her. She has every right to leave me.
I want to stay with my wife for the rest of my life. I just don't feel that I have the right to that kind of happiness anymore. I don't deserve it.



Maybe I always new that she was to good for me, and she deserved better than me. Maybe I did all that to push her away so she could find what she really needed in life. Who knows?
Well I think I have wasted enough of your time on me tonight. Go out there and tell the person in your life that you love the most exactly how you feel. Let them know how much you love them. Above all nothing is important enough to get mad enough to lose everything that is dear to you. Learn from my mistakes.

6 comments:

Lizzie said...

CH, it's never too late. If your feelings are truly sincere, you can make this right. She will be afraid that the "old" CH will pop up again for a while ... but as time goes by she will see that you have changed. It's obvious that you love her very much and that none of this was intentional. Even your posting tonight speaks volumes. You aren't defensive, you aren't blaming your wife, you're expressing your love. I don't usually say stuff like this, but maybe praying together would help.

ksy said...

this is your first real step.
I don't know your blog so don't know what's been happening,
but she's probably got one huge aching heart, and so do you.
so maybe for the first time, you've got something real to share with each other.

be the man she needs you to be. she's in pain, so are you. what a wake up call.

11 years is worth fighting for, it's an entire decade.

if she's afraid, there's probably a darn good reason. time to seek a whole lot of counseling.

trust is hard (mucho hard) to build back up without extra help.

i wish you two the best. divorce, I wouldn't wish on my bestest enemy. been there done that.

NOW
if she hasn't given up on you in 11 years, that's saying something.

DO SOMETHING to make things right.

good luck.

and start buying flowers. Red roses, yellow roses, pink roses,
a lot of them.

cuz you're starting from slightly below scratch.

DH said...

Hey CH...I've never yelled at my wife...not in an angry, threatening anyway...maybe out of frustration, but I don't think she's ever felt threatened.

No, instead on rare occasions, I've been known to misdirect my anger and frustrations and yelled at my kids. I hate myself when that happens...maybe I do it because I know they won't leave me, but I fear my wife would (though I don't know why I would fear that when I've actually wished for it at times).

I'm working very hard not to do that anymore.

You need to work even harder if the feelings you posted today are honest (and I want to believe that they are).

Flowers are a start, but it's going to take a long time for her to re-build her trust in you. You'll need to prove it with your behavior.

As for the truck, believe me I know how easy it is to go nuts when finances are working against you...but it was an accident...please don't beat her up over it (verbally I mean...obviously not physically either, but I don't believe you've ever gone there). My wife's done stupid stuff to damage our cars too...it's not easy, but I try to let it go. You need to do the same.

I, obviously, am by no means any kind of saint. So feel free to ignore this advice if you want.

I think counseling is a necessary step at this point...probably solo at first and then joint if you think the two can handle it.

Although, I admit the blogs are a way of counseling/therapy and it's cheaper. I know it's not easy to read what she's writing, but like you said...it probably is better for these things to come out now rather than later.

I wish you both the best...and if it turns out that you can't work it out...try your best to be amicable and do whatever you can to be loving parents to your kids.

Michael said...

Lizzie's right; it's never too late, but it is going to take time. Just keep doing what you're doing now, showing her how much you love her and that you know how wrong you were, and it will get better. I'm sure she loves you too, but it will take time and patience from you for her to get over the issues of your past.
Don't give up!
Michael.

Michael said...

I just noticed that you changed the title of your Blog. Try not to be so hard on yourself and focus on what you can do for her now.
Michael

bedroomdancer said...

The good thing is, both of you seem to have the desire to work this out. And beating yourself up over this won't help. Genuine appoligy and effort at improving your relationship will.

I have seen your tendancy for a bad temper in some of your other posts. You HAVE to get control over this. Please get counseling. You are NOT the stupidist man in the world. But if you pass up this chance to fix what is wrong with your marriage, and I don't only mean your temper, you might be pretty close. Look to the future, not the past.