Well that's the only way to describe it. Simply amazing.
My wife and I just spent the last 2 hours just sitting and talking. The kids sat in the living room and watched a movie. While we went into our room and talked from the time I got home till 6:00.
I really don't know what to say here. We talked about so much stuff this afternoon. We talked about a lot of things that I have been feeling, and some of the problems that I have had since before high school. Namely the racing mind. There was so much other stuff we talked about but I am having a hard time trying to talk about them. Sometimes it's hard to admit my faults. I talked to her about things that I have never talked to her about. For the first time in a long time she did the same. She also opened up and talked to me. One thing is certain. I really need to go into counseling. I'm just so scared to start. There are so many things that I am afraid of about going, and I don't know why.
A commenter on Summer's Blog (I believe it was Kissy) said that she went through some of the same issues with her Ex. She also said that part of his problem was that he was unhappy inside. Well guess what. I'm the same way. I'm actually a very miserable and upset person inside. There are so many things that I don't like about myself. But what I don't understand is why is it that I a take out all my inside issues on the one truly amazing thing in my life? For some reason I drive her away from me whenever the inside struggle gets bad. I would drive her away by yelling at her. Why? For the time being I can't answer that question. I have a theory though. In looking back most of the times that I got really upset or angry at her were times when we were going through real bad financial problems, or I felt that I wasn't good enough for her. So instead of talking these feelings through with her I would yell at her and push her away. (She is not the person that made feel like I wasn't good enough. I made myself feel that way.) So in one of my theories I feel that maybe I was pushing her away on purpose so that she would find someone that was good enough for her.
Another thing that my wife brought up tonight was my cousin. About 7 years ago he committed suicide due to depression. Also my sister was diagnosed with Bi polar disorder. Some people on my dads side of the family have been diagnose with depression also. So I think that may be one of the reasons that I am afraid to go to a counselor or shrink as I call them. I'm afraid of being labeled. I'm also afraid of being put on some funky medication. Especially one that would affect my abilities to hold a commercial drivers license. That is a requirement for my job.
So here is a short list of things I don't like about myself.
- I'm a huge procastinator. I put everything off. I've been putting off going to anger management classes for a few years now. There always seems to be something stopping me. Same with going to see a shrink. Something is always there to stop me.
- I feel like I am not supporting my family in a way that they need to be supported. I want to give my family the things that I had growing up. A fishing boat, big house, all the "cool" stuff. I want to be able to take the family on nice vacations to Disneyland. Take my wife on a cruise. Take the kids and wife on a Disney cruise. That stuff is all materialistic but I want to do that for my family. If I can't do that I feel like a failure.
- I can't stand the way I look in the mirror. Like I've said before I'm way over weight. But I can;t seem to lose weight. I don't stuff my self at dinner. (Unless my wife cooks spaghetti. I love her spaghetti.) I eat 1 sandwich for lunch and a Mt. Dew. I don't eat breakfast. I drink at least a gallon of water a day at work. But I don't lose weight.
- I don't like the way I treated my wife. No need to go into detail you all know that.
- I always look to the negative. I don't know how to look at things as a positive. They are always negative.
- I am always to busy drowning in self pitty to see the positive things in life.
There is some more also that we discussed. I feel a huge emptiness inside of me like there is something missing. I told my wife (oops almost slipped and put her real name) that I am actually jealous of something that she has. I've noticed that some of the other Bloggers out there have it too. The main one would be FTN. Especially in his latest post. They all have this inner peace that I long to have. I know where it is and what causes it. I just don't know how to embrace it. Or how to ask for it.
Well I have bored you all enough for the night so I will sign off. Here's to the future.
1 comment:
Just catching up on reading, I've been away from blogging since before Thanksgiving.
That's great, that you were both able to sit and talk about that kind of important stuff for a couple of hours. Sometimes it is hard to do that without one person getting mad about something. I would say the counseling would be a good idea. People get scared of it, but it doesn't have to be a weird thing anymore. As long as you find a good one, that is.
What does your wife say when you talk to her about her "inner peace" and the things you feel like you are missing?
Post a Comment