Well it's another day. I just returned from my group therapy tonight. Actually got out early. There were only two people there and the therapist.
I told the Therapist everything that has been going on in the last week. I actually monopolized the whole meeting. Makes me feel bad for the other guy that showed up. Didn't give him a chance to talk much. But he said that he was ok with it. I'm also ok with it seeing as he pissed me off anyways. Here I am talking about hopw I made 42,000 last year and he's bragging about making that much this year so far. FUCK YOU ASS HOLE!!!
So this was the first time that I have mentioned depression (outside of on the blogs and to Summer). I told him all the stuff that has been going through my head lately, the fight Summer and I had on Mon. night about something so stupid, about the way my heart was pounding on Fri. night. And all the things that I have yet to mention here on my Blog. I told him how I haven't had sex with Summer in over a week. And that I have not had the desire to have sex with her. Hell I haven't even had an erection Since the last time Summer and I had a quickie last week before work.*** That's 8 days without an erection people. Not even a little morning wood. Or a boner in the middle of the day for no apparent reason. To the women out there that may not sound important. But tell me guys- If you didn't have an erection for 8 days wouldn't that alone send you into a state of depression? Usually all Summer had to do was walk into the room and I'd get a stiffie. But the past week we could be laying in bed holding each other naked and nothing.
Well all of that was true until this afternoon anyways. I did get an erection after a fantastic blow job that led to another quickie. So at least it's not completely dead.
Yet.
But anyways back to the post at hand here. After I described all the events of the past week and telling him about how I have had these bouts of depression since about 1992-93, he started asking some questions that I had a hard time answering. (He actually makes me think of digger the way he makes me think). He would ask -Do you truly believe that you will feel like this forever? What purpose does feeling like this serve? Why do you feel like this? You do know that this will end and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, don't you? You say that you focus all of your attention to your wife to take care of her. Who is supposed to take care of you? You seem to have this theme of not letting people take care of you. (referring to these posts here (mainly the last one entitled "here"). Then he kept asking me over and over again- Are you having thoughts of killing yourself? No I'm not. I have not had a suicidal thought since about 1994 when I was in boot camp. But he kept asking me if I was sure. Yes I'm sure. I don't want to die. I just want to stop feeling sad and angry every waking moment.
So to finish this off he said that he is putting in a referral tomorrow morning for me to see a psychiatrist ASAP for an evaluation for medication. So we'll see how that goes. Hopefully Kaiser will move along and get this done and not drag their feet on this.
There is more to tell but I need to spend some time with Summer first. I'll catch you all up some more hopefully tomorrow. If it goes the way I want it to it won't be a pretty post either. It will actually be brutally honest. (Or so I think anyways.)
***Edit/Side note*** The fact that I have not had an erection or sexual desire for Summer in the last 8 days has taken it's toll on Summer as well. She has asked me several times if I still find her attractive. Yes I do. But the thoughts just aren't there. So now not only is my depression affecting me it's now making her feel bad because I don't deire her sexually. Which in turns just gives more things for me to be depressed about.
2 comments:
Wow, CH, and hugs. You've just described the vicious downward spiral of depression so perfectly.
There used to be a "test" you could do to see if you are still getting erections while you sleep, by taking a length of postage stamps that come in the coil form, wrapping them around the penis (sticky side out), sealing the circle lightly - and then in the morning, checking if it had been ripped open. If it was popped off and ripped, you knew that erections were still, indeed, happening while you sleep. But are those paper stamps still available? I think everythink is the sticker-type stamps now. :( Sorry. Unless you have an old roll in a drawer somewhere....
I know Summer would be very reassured by you chasing her around the house, but a raging hard-on isn't the only way to tell a woman she's beautiful. Record a romantic song off the radio. Dance together in the living room to it. Pick some flowers by the side of the road and bring them home, or, go to a florist, get a small, inexpensive bunch, but while you're there, grab those pretty blank note cards they have - and write "You're Beautiful, I love you" on them and hide them all over the house and her car for her to find.
And who knows? Maybe it could be fun, and a way to take you mind off of the depression and out of the downward cycle for an hour or two, by looking for things to show her you love her.
Yeah, depression is a real kick in the balls...You don't feel good mentally and then it starts to hit you physically. And I hate to tell you this, but one of the side effects of depression medication is loss of sex-drive and/or difficulty acheiving and maintaining an erection. That's not always the case, and if it does happen the Dr will usually offer you something for that (viagra, cyalis, etc.) Sorry to hear you're sick on top of everything else. We've (Dr. & I) recently tweaked my antidepressants and I'm still adjusting. I guess that's part of why I haven't blogged too much lately. Hope you get better.
Michael
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