Well as you could tell from yesterday's post, (and even from Fri. nights post) I wasn't in a good mood. The thing is I haven't been in a good mood for quite awhile now. I've just been ignoring everything and sweeping it under the rug so to speak. As I have eluded to in a few posts the depression or "funk" is starting to rear his ugly head. I'm not in a good place right now. Nor have I been for quite some time now.
After I pressed publish yesterday Summer came home from the store. And it wasn't pretty at all. Things were said. Voices were elevated. A picture was thrown and broken. (Not by me.) People were crying. I broke my commitment of not yelling at Summer anymore. Suit cases were brought in and packed. And lastly a cigarette was smoked.
All in all it wasn't a pretty site. We did go to bed hugging each other though. We even woke up and started holding each other again. Then I was asked to stay home from work so that we could talk. Which I did gladly. So we stayed in bed for another hour talking. Then after oldest was dropped off at school and youngest was watching a movie we went back to the bedroom to talk some more. I told Summer a lot of things that I have been keeping inside for some time now. Actually months. It was the hardest thing for me to do. Tell her what honestly is going through my head. And we just barely scratched the surface of what goes on in there. I admitted some things to her that I have kept secret for over 18 months now.
Did it do any good? Only time will tell. All I know is that I'm tired of feeling this way and am looking for anything that will get me out of feeling like I do. I'm tired of being angry inside all the time. I'm tired of feeling empty inside. I'm tired of laying in bed with Summer for a week now and feeling no stirring in my groin.
I'm going to try and talk with my therapist after my group meeting on Thu. to see if there is anything that he can prescribe me to make this end.
I'll try to post something more a little later if I feel up to it.
4 comments:
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling that way. It's a horrible feeling to have. I know. I know the feeling of being angry all the time and not feeling anything for the person that lays next to you. And there doesn't seem to be an end anywhere close. It's a terrible feeling. I hope that you can talk things out. I think talking with Summer is a great first step!! I hope that things get better for you soon. Please email me anytime if you need to. I'd be glad to talk!!
{hugs}
Pretty Peanit Thanks. Summer and I still have a lot more talking to do. Hopefully we will talk some more tonight if the kids will ever go to bed. I feel love for her. I just don't feel *those* feelings right now. Which adds to the way I'm feeling. It's a never ending cycle.
CH
You need help CH... Talking about how you feel is one thing, but your need help from the "outside"... I know, I've been through it.
Those feelings won't go away just like that, and you'll need to see your therapist more often and if it comes to you taking meds, do it. I've post something about depression on my blog ("It's everywhere...among us...")... and if you think you don't have "those" feelings right now, it gets worst with meds (in case you didn't know), but when you have a loving spouse by your side, and you want to feel better, you get through it. Take care.
Sorry to hear things have been so rough for so long. I hope you figure something out for your own benefit.
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