I'm alone this weekend. Almost. Summer is away on her womens church retreat. Oldest is at the school for an overnight astrology night. Youngest is here with me but will be in bed soon. I wanted to go out for a walk with him tonight but it's freakin raining. Again. So that blew our plans for that. All he wants to do is watch the damned TV. He won't do anything else with me. He just wants to watch Monster Trucks Crash Madness. It's a cool video but I wanted more this weekend with him.
Other than that I'm doing pretty shitty right now. I took something that another Blogger wrote the wrong way. Left a comment that I probably shouldn't have. I did send an email back apologizing.
I feel another funk coming on. I've felt it coming on for about a day now. I just can't get motivated about anything. I take everything the wrong way. But this time it's different than all the previous times. It's cool and raining outside right now. But I'm sitting here sweating my ass off. I can actually feel my heart pounding in my chest. Not beating but actually pounding. Like I had just ran the way I did while I was in the Army. but I haven't ran at all. It's just pounding fast and hard. My head feels like it weighs a ton. And yet at the same time my whole body feels like it is only about 5 inches tall. And everything else around me is just 10 times bigger than they really are. I just feel really small right now. I don't know if all this is because of my funk feelings or if it something else.
In a way I know whats causing all of this. I really haven't dealt with the fact that our youngest son has been diagnosed with Autism. I almost agree with rhe school and want to wait untill the Reginal Center completes their evaluation before I accept it. Instead of dealing with it I have been avoiding it. I have been focusiong all my attention onto Summer and how she is feeling. Making sure that she is doing alright. My therapist asked me at my last appointment last week how I was taking the diagnosis. I told him that I don't have any feelings about it because I am just focusing all of my attention to my wife. I mean thaT IS WHAT i'M SUPPOSED TO DO RIGHT? (I have been Blogging for over a year now and I still can't type for shit. Always hitting the caps key when I go for the "a" key.) Take care of my wife first. I know that some people would argue that I should focus my attention on to our son. But in my eyes I need to make sure that she is ok first. The parents are the key factor here. If it weren't for "US" then there would be no "THEM". They need to see us doing ok to be ok themselves.
I really want to just drink myself blind right now. But I also know that it will solve nothing. It will just make things worse. Besides my personal rules won't allow me to drink tonight anyways. I don't drink when I am alone with the kids. If something happens I need to be able to drive. So no alchohol for me this whole weekend.
It has been brought to my attention that I forgot to mentio that I am in group counseling. I have been going to mens group sessions for about 2 months now. I meet every Thu. night for 2 hours. It was at the recomendation of my therapist. I like it a lot. Mainly because it is every week. I only see my therapist once a month if I'm lucky. It's pretty cool. We meet for the 2 hour meeting, but then most of the time 3-4 of us are standing in the parking lot talking for ather 30-60 minutes. We decided last night that we need to set a day when after the meeting we go to the pool hall for a few beers and play some pool after group is over. As usual I'm the youngest person. The rest of the guys are in their 40's to 50's. And they scare the HELL out of me telling stories about their wives as they are going through menopause. *shudders* They told me to enjoy the next 10 years or so. Then all hell will break loose. And here I've been telling Summer for years that I can't wait for her to go through the change. That way we won't have the visitor any more.
Well I'm going to sign off for now. Youngest is wanting me to set up a sleeping bag on the living room floor so he can "camp" out tonight. Besides I think I have gone on feeling sorry for myself enough tonight. Here's to a better weekend.
10 comments:
Mr. Hus"bland" I doubt that it is the weather. It has actually been in the 80's for over a week now. Then suddenly today it started raining agin. The "funk" started befoire I even knew that it was going to rain. All I know is that I'm tired of feeling this way and want it to stop.
CH
CH - I know very little about autism. What does the diagnosis mean for your son?
Since Summer is so fixated on your son, I agree that it is important for you to stay tuned to her and her needs. It's not unusual for dads to be a little slow to digest the diagnosis of autism. My wife was way ahead of me, even though this is a large part of my work. In the long run, having a diagnosis should help you, as it is easier to explain to family members what is going on. Expect them to be even slower to accept things.
And it isn't the end of the world. There are more and more people coming out the other side of autism as successful adults. The suspicion is that Bill Gates is even on the spectrum! So hope is not lost. But things will be difficult and you'll both have to be more diligent than the average parent. Say "goodbye" to getting drunk and high, as you'll need all your wits about you when dealing with your son!
D.
Hi CH, I found you through Mister's links and thought you might find one of my links of interest. (whew!)
I don't know anything about autism personally, but this blogger has 2 young boys one of whom has a form of autism (sound familiar?) and she writes about the ups and downs of life as she and her husband try to cope with ... everything!
I hope it's of some help.
http://buggydoo.blogspot.com/
I totally agree with you that with strong parents the kids will feel strong. You need to take care of each others not only the kids. Too mnay couples forget themselves once the kids arrive. Like Shmuley (from "Shalom in the Home") says so well "You can't be a good parent without being a good spouse." and "There are two kinds of parental love: the love you give your kids, and the love you give your spouse. Kids with loving spouses grow up believing in romantic love." So, don't change keep taking care of your wife, you're doing great!
As for dealing with your son's condition, give it time, you just found out about it. Time will help. But mostly patience and understanding, and from what I've read... you'll be ok.
Take care of yourself and try to rest.
Well the good news is that not every woman is affected the same way. Also there are hormonal treatments that can help. So don't get too nervous. I'm sure you'll both work it out.
Hugs
Des
You know, while I applaud your focus on your wife, I think you need to take some time to focus on your own feelings, too.
The diagnosis would be a major blow to any parent.
Men have a tendency to shut their feelings off, to find distraction, and this can be helpful for a while during the crisis. But ignoring and suppresing feelings tends to lead to depression.
You have feelings, too, and your reaction to the news is very natural and understandable.
If you can, you should share some of your feelings with your wife. And if you don't want to burden her, is it something you could discuss in your therapy group?
Emily
O I'm still in the learning stages of what it means. Thgats one of the reasons that I'm waiting for the tresting to b e done before I truly "accept" the diagnosis. I just know that he is on the low end of the spectrum closer to Asperger's.
DiggerI'm in no way thinking that this is the end of the world. Summer is way ahead of me on research. As is my mom as well. The thing is trying to get Summer to share what she is learniong. I've said good bye to getting high about 10 years ago. Getting drunk is a very rare thing for me anymore in the last 3-4 years or so. Ever since my M-I-L died and my B-I-L moved I have lost my drinking buddies and I hate to drink alone.
jocelyn Thank you very much for the link and welcome to my little corner of the web. :D
stinkypaw Welcome aboard! What you said is what I have been trying to say but have not been able to put into words.
Des Thanks! If I can get over the lonliness I think taking these little breaks will do quite a bit of good for Summer and I. I know that they will do her quite a bit of good.
Emily Welcome! I have told my mens group about the diagnosis but have not been able to really tell about how I feel. Mainly because I myself don't really know how I feel.
Thank you to all of you that have stopped by and commented to me. I'm feeling a little better today but that's because I have been going non-stop since I woke up this morning.
CH
The diagnosis rocks your world. Both of my sons are on the spectrum; both high functioning, but I think at the outset that matters little. You are tossed into the middle of the ocean without a boat or a life preserver. Not only do you have to come to grips with the fact that your child isn't *typical* (whatever that's supposed to mean) but since there are few medical treatments, you are tossed into the wonderful world of special education.
I too think dads tend to lag behind the moms in terms of acceptance because most are the breadwinners and many wind up hiding themselves in their work. Taking care of summer is good, but you do need to feel your feelings on this. I think the mistake my husband made was he wanted me to kinda settle my feelings before he could feel his... he kinda has this whacked out notiion that only one of us can have strong feelings at a time, lol. Five years later I'm still not settled with this. YES, it does get better, you learn to accept some things, but not others.
If anyone could have told me anything about this at the outset as advice, I wish it would have been - PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE. Any problems you two might have will be magnified with a special needs child. It can be challenging to take time for yourselves, espeically if there's a lot of emotional, raw pain going on, but please do it. It is so much better if you can get through it together.
I'm pulling for you.
(I have a number of blogs in my favorites that are written by parents of children on the spectrum. Let me know if you want them.)
CH - I'm a little late reading some of your posts, but if you need some info on Autism let me know. I have taught kids diagnosed with his disablity for the past 8 years and would be more than happy to make the special ed maze easier to understand. XOXO GND
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