To quote PM: "Your wife is very cool to say that.
And, after all, you have friends IRL to who you talk about your gripes and frustrations, right? Summer is smart enough to know that...and that you need to voice them so they don't build up."
So here we go with my reality/oppinion on friendships in general. Not just male friendships.
When I was in school (Jr. high and High school) I didn't hang with the "in crowd". I didn't really have a specific group of friends that I hung out with. I had a whole bunch of acquaintances though. There were some real good friends I had. One of whom was the best man at my wedding.
But looking back on my past most of my friends were of the female persuasion. I've always had an easier time of talking with members of the opposite sex than I did talking with guys. In the core group that we had towards the end of high school we had a ratio of close to 3 girls to 1 guy. It was what worked for us.
I don't know what it was or actually still is that makes it easier for me to talk to people of the opposite sex. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm not into the normal guy stuff. I'm not really into sports. Or things that most guys do.
Then after graduation I got into the stoner crowd. You know the group of people that were always in a cloud of smoke pondering the meaning of useless trivial stuff. Oh the fun we had. :D But even then we had more girls than guys we had in that circle as well. That's also when my sister got to be one of my good friends. We finally had something in common. At that point I was 19, my sister was 17 and we would hang out at a local bar with about 6-8 other people ranging in age from 16-19. Yes we were allowed to hang out at a bar when we were underage. As long as we didn't actually step up to the bar it was cool. We were there for the pool table. We were dam good too. That's where I met my first GF. After I met here and started having sex with her that was it. For the entire time we were together (a whole whopping month) and for a time afterwards when we were just sleeping together without dating I didn't hang out with any of my friends. It was just her and that was it.
After I stopped sleeping with her I found myself back in the core group at the bar playing pool. A month later I moved away from home for the first time. For the first time I had more guy "friends" than girl friends. But they were more like acquaintances than friends. A few months later I met Summer and we became an item.
We got married and moved to Oklahoma (just the thought of that state makes shivers go through me). Then from that time forward it was just her and I. For the last 13 years I haven't had any real close friends at all. Male or female.
Currently I don't have anyone that I consider to be my friend. At least in real life. There's no one that I call on the phone to just shoot the shit with. I don't go to someones house to hang out or do stuff with. I go to work and come home. That's it.
So in answer to PM's comment no. I don't have friends IRL that I talk to about anything.
I don't even consider the people that I work with to be friends either. I talk to them about work and that's it. I'm there to work. Not make friends.
I sometimes think that has a lot to do with my frustrations in life. I don't have any one besides Summer that I talk to about anything. Don't get me wrong. I love Summer and love to talk to her. But sometimes I think that it would be nice to go hang with the guys once in awhile and do guy things. Whatever guy things are.
With that being said about real life friends, I feel that the only friends I do have are the friends I have online. Not saying anything bad you all that I consider to be friends but how sad is that?
Once again FTN brought up another post about friendships. This time it was about friends as a couple. You know friends that you and you spouse have in common. Another couple to hang out with. That is another thing that Summer and I don't have (she has friends of her own we just don't have friends as a couple). I'd like to have another couple that we can got out to dinner with or go to their house and play a game of swap your undies. :D You know stuff that friends do as couples. At least that is what FTN makes me think couples do when they get together. that is what you do together isn't it?
But as my brain works at the moment I want these things on one side of my head. The other side says how are you going to do this? Here you are at 33 years old. Do you plan on just going up to a couple and say "Hey let's go out to dinner and go home and play a rousing game of swap you undies." It's just not gonna happen. So here I sit.
you know something? I just realized that this is 2 days in a row that I posted something that probably made no sense at all.
10 comments:
Well, you are Confused Husband aren't you? :) I admit I share alot of what you've just shared, not really on purpose mainly, but my 15+ years with the Dragon pretty much destroyed any friendships I had. Partly that was me as well, especially once my son was born. I wanted to spend all my free time with him, so work and then home. You do that for 13 years and friends tend to disappear, not all of them, but most. I never really needed a lot of friends, just good ones.
Funny though, now that I am all but single again, I've wondered the same thing. Where do you go to make new friends??
Now I'm confused.
Art They don't call me confused for nothing my friend. :D
So when you find how it's done give me a little heads up.
CH
I know where you're coming from, big guy. I always seem to be the only one putting in effort in my attempts at friendships with other males. And I'm finally to the point I don't care. I try. If they don't put up, I move on. It's their loss. I may not be able to quote sports stats for the last 20 years, but those stats won't be worth shit when you need someone to trust to pull your cookies out of the fire.
Best of luck. Hopefully some guys you know will pull their heads out of their asses and have a few with ya.
Ironically I tried hard to strike up friendships in blogland, figuring in such an atmosphere of "openness" there might be some guys willing to talk about something that required a couple brain cells.
I came up with bupkus despite lots of targeted effort.
I hope you have better luck.
PM- yes indeed I am a very cool understanding wife. I guess that's why I enjoy going fishing with him and our two boys. Uhm makes me wonder how many women would actually pick up live bait, such as ghost shrimp, and worms.
Of course my comment doesn't go with what CH is talking about. But you know, if some of his co-workers would stop being such jerks. I think he would have a few friends. But you know making friends at work is impossable.
Oh and PM I could give you all of Ch's email addys I'm sure the two of you would have a lot to talk about. Just thought that might help a little.
S.R.
CH - I suspect it involves having a lot of money... but I wouldn't know for sure. :)
In pondering this topic, I realize I have about an equal number of male and female friends, though sometimes that number is heavier toward the male friendships. Not sure why that is, necessarily, other than what I've said in the past that women sometimes are their worst enemies when it comes to forming friendships. With guys, it can be easier. And fun. But you don't necessarily share the intimate details that come along with a friendship with a guy like you would a woman.
As for work, I am a bit older than many I work with, but I relate to them on the same level. Many of them, anyway, and while I don't necessarily do things outside the store with them, we do talk or email and keep up from that perspective.
It's a tough thing, forming adult friendships, but it's worth it when you can.
SR: I'm interested, but make Big Boy do it himself. My email is on my profile.
And yes...you're awesome to do all those things with him! He better still offer to bait your hook, though!
I'm sorry, CH. I understand, at least as far as not having friends of the same gender. Guy friends haven't been an issue, but for some reason, female friends have been more difficult, particularly since graduating from college and being a "grown up."
RS (and me too, actually) have been blessed to have a large family to choose our closest friends from, although I wish he had more guys friends outside of family too.
Its important for men to spend time with men and I hope that somehow you can find a couple fellows to shoot pool and drink beer with (you know, if that's what men do when they get together. Women, of course, simply have pillow fights in their underwear and play truth or dare).
Now I'm distracted, thinking about what Therese said women do when they get together. Hmm.
Sorry I missed this post last week, I was mostly away from blogland for a long weekend. Making friends is difficult -- honestly, the vast majority of my friendships have been made through church. I have very few friends from work or elsewhere that I hang out with regularly. I have old college friends that I get together with every couple of years. Really, church is where I've met my best friends. I'm not saying that's all church is good for, but the "community" aspect of church is important that way.
Guess we just need to plan that nationwide blogger get-together, huh?
Post a Comment