Does anyone recall this little post back in June? It's the one about my cousin coming out of the closet and announcing that he is gay, and divorcing his wife. Well things are getting pretty ugly now. Which I'm sure they were destined to become. But why the pettiness? I just don't understand it.
So let me see if I can relate whats been going on. I'm sure none of you really want to hear about this. But for those of you that are contemplating divorce I'll just go ahead and post it anyways to let you see the darker side of divorce.
So let's see what's going on now. Since the breakup my cousin has found and moved in with his boyfriend. They are living in a one bedroom apartment. So when he has his weekend to have the kids he goes to his parents house so the kids have their own room. His boyfriend goes along with him for the weekend. The kids really like him and know him as their dads friend. Except the oldest who is 8. His mom told him that his dad was gay a week after my cousin moved out. When they both agreed that they would do it together.
Well a few weeks ago his parents have decided to get a divorce for the same reason as my cousin. So my uncle moved out of the house. The day after he moved out my aunt calls my VERY Catholic grandma to tell her that they are getting divorced because her son was gay. (This is important trust me.) It's also important to know that she has a "medical" marijuana permit. Cousins ex knew about this for years. Never once had a problem with it. Even had my aunt watch the kids for a week at a time so she could go on vacations.
A few weeks ago my cousin and his boyfriend decided that they needed to move to a different city so they could afford a bigger place to live in. That way the kids will have there own room to stay in when they see their dad. The city is an hour and a half away from where they are living now. So now ex is upset and says that she refuses to drive half the distance as agreed on in the temporary custody agreement. So what does she do to retaliate? She files papers with the courts saying that my cousin can not provide a stable home environment for his kids because he is living with a man. Also because his parents are getting a divorce as well and because the kids grandma has a permit to smoke weed. So because of this my cousin is not allowed to see his kids until the court can evaluate the situation in a court hearing. Which won't be till after the new year.
So what does my aunt do this week? After what she did by telling my grandma about my uncle when it wasn't her place to do in the first place? She went to all the family members Myspace pages asking/telling us to remove my cousins ex from our friends list. Because she is not what the family needs to be associated with.
Personally I don't think that either one of them are what the family needs right now. I really wanted to stay friends with my cousins ex. But this little stunt was just to dam far. She's just doing it to hurt my cousin because she knows how important they are. She's using them as little pawns instead of letting them be kids. She changed the phone number so he can't call and talk to them. She even took the kids and hid them from all the family members for awhile.
Now I didn't need my aunt to say what she did about taking her off my myspace page. But where does she get off saying that when she told my grandma about my uncle when it was none of her business? As religious as my grandma is it could have been very bad. She's in good health but she is also 83 years old. Who knows what the shock could have done to her. I was going to do that on my own. Without being told.
The good news is that I'm only spending Christmas with my parents, sister, grandma, SR, and my kids. No other family to bring me down. I've got enough shit to deal with without them adding to it. Seriously thinking about just closing out the myspace page.
5 comments:
Divorce always seems to bring out the absolute worst in people. Wounds go so deep that people act irrational, spiteful, and downright wicked sometimes.
I hope that everyone involved can find some way to be peaceful, if for no one's sake other than the children's.
Sounds like the best thing for you to do, CH, is to stay the hell away from them all since they can't seem to place nice together. Tis the season for village idiots I guess, eh?
First - I agree totally with Rob - stay away.
Second - and I'm not taking her side, not by a longshot... but your gay cousin, bless him for coming out, and finding love.. yada, yada, yada.. but as Jennifer Aniston once said "I think his sensitivity chip is not working." He's pushed and pushed this woman until he finally pushed too far, now she's letting him have it, both barrels. It might not be kind or lovely, but what did he EXPECT??
And before I go on - there is nothing wrong AT ALL with being gay. But there is something wrong with being a dumbass. And "Gay" and "Stupid"? - NOT mutually exclusive.
He's come out - He's happy and moving forward and in love end wooohooo! life is so GOOD for him now he's probably crapping rosepetals. people are congratualting him on his courage and bravery, his father insteadof rejecting him has comeout TOO! YAY!
He's dealing with a woman who never had a happy marriage, angry, probably feels she wasted years of her life...and now, she's stuck with the kids, all the time, while he romps off with a new lover. EVERYTHING that is delightful in his life now is an F-you to her!
And how many ways is he antagonizing the mother of his children with his new Happy Life?
1) he's found a new lover (Male or female, that's a tough one to cope with)
2) they moved in together, before the ink on the papers is dry (ouch)
3) he children will be around this Other Person (any mom gets protective)
4) 1.5 hours away means he will not be the one driving and picking up a sick kid at school. He will always be running late or hassled, he lives too far away for them to get to him or vice vers easily... (hello, HE is making that choice - why should she have to do ANYTHING for him to make his life easier after he has screwed her over in so many ways?? - at least that is what she could be thinking: it's insult to injury)
5) his parents divorce - more instability.
I'm not condoning ever, using kids like a weapon... but I am saying that as a mother and as a woman, she's hurt, she's angry, and she has been pushed past her limit, and now she's pushing back. She's HAD IT with his bullshit of being so insensitive to her (ya think being married to a gay guy her NEEDS got met real well?)
It's ugly. It could be far uglier. If your cousin realy wants to make this better - tell him that he needs to stop waving the red flag in front of the bull. And try, if he can, to undo some of the damage he has already doen to his exwife. Whe she is calmer, she won't attack him as much. She is reacting to him, and her own rage. It is obscene to think that she should cheer him on in his New life, when he has left hers in such a shambles.
CH, could you tell Summer Rose that I am having trouble reading her blog. There is something that is taking forever to download, and often crashing my internet.
Wow, smells so familiar. This so could have been my route. Wife went off and fell in love/ fell in confusion with a woman, and asked for divorce. I know the pain of the surprise divorce, of having my self-image questioned by her being gay, and the pain of losing my children for even 1 hr of their life. It's crap, it sucks, and I hate it.
So what am I going to do? What I didn't do was put the kids in the middle. I didn't drag families into it. And, most importantly, I didn't throw away the love that I built with my wife for almost 15 years. Her 'friend' showed such poor judgement during that time. (professing love, planning a future, sneaking away with her, and um, being her boss at the time!) I could easily have taken the hate road, but I chose to be rational and think of the kids first.
The papers just got filed last Friday. We live seperately. Custody is as close to 50/50 as possible. We spent the weekend together at my niece's wedding and she even stood-in for a bridesmaid during rehearsal. (We had to recess arm in arm, both of us laughing about the irony of it all.)
I still have a good relationship because I didn't let my anger and depression consume my love for my kids or the memory of my fantastic marriage. It still sucks and I am sad. I fantasize about catching her 'friend' in an stuck elevator one day. But I'm a man, raised to respect everyone, and I am full of love for my kids and family.
A quote I used with my classroom:
"I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. ... Booker T. Washington". Irony in my life once again.
Post a Comment