Thursday, September 07, 2006

Life has just been really hectic lately. There hasn't really been time for me to do squat. Or think of anything to write about. I'm just in a lull I guess. The good news is that the thoughts that are usually racing through my head are gone for the moment. But along with that it's taking away the entire thought process that I go through for posting. So that's the bad news. But I suppose you need to take the good with the bad. Right?

It's been a total drag getting used to Summer's new schedule. Especially Wed. - Fri. nights. She leaves the house right after I get home from work and don't get home till almost 11 at night. So we haven't had time to see each other much. By the time she gets home we are both beat and just want to get in bed and crash. Which is exactly what we do. No talking. No cuddling. No nukie. The last 2 are ok to be going without now. But I do want to talk to her a lot. Today is Thu. and I haven't talked to her since Tue. I won't be able to talk to her tomorrow either. So the next time we are able to talk will be on Sat evening. She is covering a shift for someone at work on Sat. so she's working on her day off. That will be 4 days without talking to her. Like some of the people that I IM with know there are some things that I want to talk to her about too. They can't be done over the phone either. Well I guess they can but I just want to talk to her in person.

She is also upset with her new job already and is thinking about changing her choice in careers already. Which is not making things easier. I really want her to stick with massage therapy. She is real good at what she does and she really loves doing it. She just hasn't found the proper employer as of yet. If she will just give it some time she will find the right place to work. One that will pay her what she is worth and won't find ways of cheating the states wage laws.

That really is all there is to update on. SR did go dove hunting with me on Sat evening. We took the boys with us and we had a real good time. It was youngest son's first time hunting. In 2 weeks he will go on his first deer hunting trip. I will take both of my boys out for the whole weekend for some guy time. We're really looking forward to it. I won't be going on any extended hunting trips this year like I have done in years past. This will be the first year in 5 years that I am missing opening weekend at Tule Lake for the early opener of duck season. None of the family members that I hunt with have the funds for the 600 mile drive. But I will be going for the opener of the balance of state season towards the end of Oct.

I guess I can update you all on how the antidepressants meds are doing. I'm not going into the huge down cycles that I have been going through for years. I'm not losing my temper as much as I used too either. I still get mad and blow my lid a little but not near as much as I did at one time. I'm not making stupid threats, saying demeaning things to SR, I'm not having the anxiety attacks any more either. That's a big plus for me. The Dr. also thought that it would make me gain weight. But I'm actually finding the opposite to be true. I am eating smaller portions during dinner now and stopping at one helping instead of 2 or 3. I don't feel like I have lost weight. We don't own a scale so I can't check my weight either. But I bought a new belt about 2 months ago. Recently I had to drill another hole in it to keep my pants from falling down. My jeans fall off of me if I stand up without a belt on. So that is another good thing. Like I said though I can't seem to see it. SR on the other hand has started to say that she has noticed a difference in me. That is a huge thing for me. She is telling me how good looking I am now, calling me her sexy man. That is a big ego boost.

Now for the bad portions of the meds. I'm having some really weird dreams lately. Dreams that wake me up out of a dead sleep. They seem so real to me. But when I wake up I realize it was a dream, go back to sleep and forget what it was that woke me up in the morning. Summer has also said that she has noticed me "fighting" with someone in my sleep. She says that I will suddenly start yelling at someone while I'm sleeping and just scream obscenities at them. I have no idea what is going on or why I'm yelling. But I do wake up feeling weird. I can't remember the dreams. All I remember is that I feel like I'm screaming at someone that has hurt me or is threatening my family. I yell at them but for some reason the words don't come out of my mouth. Instead they are caught in my throat and I'm a stuttering fool almost choking on my words. These dreams are coming more frequently to me now. As a side effect of the dreams and meds I am feeling very tired lately too. I can't seem to wake up at all. Take Sat for instance. SR got home around 11 and we went straight to bed. We didn't wake up till 8. Fell back asleep and woke up around 8:30. She gets out of bed and into the shower I go back to sleep and don't wake up till 10:00. And the entire day I felt like all I wanted to do was go back to bed and sleep more. It's been like that all week.

The worst side effects are the sexual side effects. I'm pretty much finding it almost impossible to reach completion anymore. No matter how long we go, different positions, no foreplay, lot's of foreplay. It just don't do it. At first SR really liked the side effect of the going and going. But now even she is not liking it. I've completed once out of the last 3-4 times. The worst part of that is that those times have that we were together have been space over a 2-3 week period. I'm even having a hard time getting hard enough to perform now. I've watched Summer shower and get dressed for work quite a bit the past 2 weeks. It's the only time we can see each other before she goes to work. She'll get out of the shower and sit on the bed putting on her lotion and I'm getting nothing from down stairs. Not even a nudge. In the past all she would have to do was sit on the bed and start to put on the lotion and I was having a hard time keeping my hands off of her. Not anymore. I just don't have the feeling for it anymore now. And that my friends bothers me a lot. I love my wife more than anything. I love to make love to her. Pleasure her. But at the moment I'm just not having those feelings.

I want her to know that it has NOTHING to do with her. It's just a "phase" I'm going through at the moment. At least I hope so. We both knew going into this that these side effects were going to be part of the medication. We just never thought it would be like this. Especially knowing the way I/we used to be. That is the main thing that I want to talk to her about but we just can't seem to connect. We're just strangers passing the night at the present moment. All I can say is that I can't wait till she gets off work on Sat so we can finally have a talk with each other.


Rob said...

A few suggestions CH from Dr. Rob:

Get a scale.

Discuss your ongoing side effects with your doctor from time to time, even though you and he already were aware of them. He might be able to suggest something.

Send long private emails to SR and encourage her to reply in kind. Any kind of contact between you two is better that no or little contact. Email her daily.

I'll send you my bill! :-)

O272 said...

Don't get a scale. If you're trying to lose weight, it's better to see how your clothes fit than to become obsessed with numbers.

(Yeah, I just said that to be contrary!)

I do like the email idea Rob had there. I'd like Mr. O to send me long emails! As long as they weren't work related! :P~

Keep your chin up, CH! :)

Emily said...

I'm so sorry you guys are having such a tough time.

I like the idea of the long private emails.

I am just wondering if you should speak to your specialist about your treatment and its sexual side effects? Anti-depressants have this same effect on many people, but I understand that there are brands that do not, such as Wellbutrin.

Confused Husband said...

Rob I'll try the long email suggestion. That might work. I hope.
Not gonna get a scale though. It's not like I'm trying to lose weight. It's just happening.
Maybe we can work something out in lieu of you sending me a bill.

O I'm not getting a scale for that exact reason. I don't want to be obsessed about numbers. That's when people get discouraged while trying to lose weight.
Whats wrong with work related emails?

Emily Funny that you should mention Wellbutrin. That is one of the meds that I am currently taking. I was taking Celexa originally. Then when I saw the doc again and told her of some of the issues she said to try the med holidays first then take the Welbutrin. The reason we went with Celexa to begin with was it's lower chances of sexual side efects. I will have to try and set up another appointment with her pretty soon.
The topic of this post ties in with the topic of your masterbation post in a way. I just need to figure out how to word what I need to say.