A real update

Well I guess it's time for me to give a real update. Although if you do have any questions for me please feel free to ask me. I'll answer them in my blog as they come in. So go to this post and keep those questions coming.

So I'm on my third day of a four day weekend. I have no clue what day it is. I mean I know it's Sat. But my body feels like it is Sun. This is really weird for me. I'm so excited about going on our vacation. We so need this right now. I'm wanting to start it early and not go to work on Mon. or Tue. I'll probably be a good boy and go in on Mon. but not Tue. I already have half the day off so might as well make it the whole day. Right? I know. I'm the worst example of what a model employee should be. I take so much time off work.

Any how, I went to my therapist appointment yesterday morning. Didn't attend men's group on Thu. night though. I didn't trust myself to drive with the complete lack of sleep I was having. I finally got some feed back from my therapist this time. Instead of asking questions like he usually does he made some observations this time. Which is what I was looking for in a way. I wanted to be able to get some insight and some feedback from him. That's why I was there in the first place. Well you know what they say. Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. And get it I did.

Now I want to be clear. He didn't tell me an awful lot. He didn't tell me that I'm an asshole and deserve everything that has happened to me. What he said was entirely true and made sense to me. But what little bit he did tell me hurt a little bit. Well not exactly hurt me but....... I can't seem to find the word. I think maybe irritate me? Not like the time I told him about being molested and he asked who was supposed to take care of me. And said that my parents were supposed to do that and they didn't do it that well. And me taking it like he was saying it was their fault. That infuriated me. Yesterday was nothing like that. You know today is the first time I have said anything about being molested since I wrote that post and talked to my therapist about it. It hasn't even come up again in therapy. Hhmmmm.

Now where was I? Oh yes. Talking about his insights into me and what he said. So this is what he had to say. First off he asked me if I had the conversation with SR about Mr. D's number in the phone. Well you all know the answer to that. We did talk to each other about it. He asked how it had gone. And I told him about it. About how we talked and I told SR that I really didn't care if the number was in the phone. I just wanted to know what it was that she was getting from him that she wasn't getting from me. And that the fact that I had pushed her away from me and towards him. That was what really upset me. I told him that I felt that it was all my fault that the situation happened and I had admitted that to SR. Well you know the story. I wrote about it a few days ago.

This is where he stopped me and made his first observation. This is the one that upset me. He said that it was not entirely my fault. He said that SR had some of the blame also. He said that in the end she is the one that made the decision to seek what she needed from him instead of me. I replied that I was the one that pushed her away though. I was the one that was yelling at her, controlling her, verbally abusing her. (As true as that is it makes my stomach knot up) He said that as true as that was, she never told me in a way that was clear what was going on. She instead decided to seek comfort somewhere else.

Now I do agree with him to a point. But to me it just isn't beneficial. To me it seems that it is taking not just A step backwards but a whole bunch of steps backwards. It puts me back to where we were a little over a year ago when I first started this Journey. It puts me back in the controlling situation and back in the situation that I'm blaming her for our problems.

This is where he made his second observation. He said that I have a way of blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for SR communicating with Mr. D. I blame myself for being molested. I blame myself for my sister being molested. Yet I don't lay any blame on SR for choosing to communicate with Mr. D. I don't blame my cousin for choosing to molest my sister and myself. I don't blame my parents for watching over us better and not seeing the signs of molestation.

I told him that I really didn't want to confront SR about the issue anymore. I said things are going really well with us right now and I don't want to mess things up again. That's when he made his final observation. That was completely dead on. He said that he has been seeing me for a few months now and he has noticed that with me things seem to be either going great and I'm happy as can be. Or everything is going terrible and I'm just down in the dumps. Nothing is going right, and I go into the depression. With me there is no in between. It's one extreme to the next.

That my friends is what I need to figure out now. How to find that "happy" medium. And that was all we had time for yesterday. So now I'm waiting to be able to see him again. Which isn't until Oct. He is taking the entire month of Sep. off for vacation. That means no group therapy either until Oct. because of my being out of town next Thu.

So there is my real update on what's going on with my Self Discovery. It's now time to make cookies for our trip. :D