Saturday, August 12, 2006

A real update

Well I guess it's time for me to give a real update. Although if you do have any questions for me please feel free to ask me. I'll answer them in my blog as they come in. So go to this post and keep those questions coming.

So I'm on my third day of a four day weekend. I have no clue what day it is. I mean I know it's Sat. But my body feels like it is Sun. This is really weird for me. I'm so excited about going on our vacation. We so need this right now. I'm wanting to start it early and not go to work on Mon. or Tue. I'll probably be a good boy and go in on Mon. but not Tue. I already have half the day off so might as well make it the whole day. Right? I know. I'm the worst example of what a model employee should be. I take so much time off work.

Any how, I went to my therapist appointment yesterday morning. Didn't attend men's group on Thu. night though. I didn't trust myself to drive with the complete lack of sleep I was having. I finally got some feed back from my therapist this time. Instead of asking questions like he usually does he made some observations this time. Which is what I was looking for in a way. I wanted to be able to get some insight and some feedback from him. That's why I was there in the first place. Well you know what they say. Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. And get it I did.

Now I want to be clear. He didn't tell me an awful lot. He didn't tell me that I'm an asshole and deserve everything that has happened to me. What he said was entirely true and made sense to me. But what little bit he did tell me hurt a little bit. Well not exactly hurt me but....... I can't seem to find the word. I think maybe irritate me? Not like the time I told him about being molested and he asked who was supposed to take care of me. And said that my parents were supposed to do that and they didn't do it that well. And me taking it like he was saying it was their fault. That infuriated me. Yesterday was nothing like that. You know today is the first time I have said anything about being molested since I wrote that post and talked to my therapist about it. It hasn't even come up again in therapy. Hhmmmm.

Now where was I? Oh yes. Talking about his insights into me and what he said. So this is what he had to say. First off he asked me if I had the conversation with SR about Mr. D's number in the phone. Well you all know the answer to that. We did talk to each other about it. He asked how it had gone. And I told him about it. About how we talked and I told SR that I really didn't care if the number was in the phone. I just wanted to know what it was that she was getting from him that she wasn't getting from me. And that the fact that I had pushed her away from me and towards him. That was what really upset me. I told him that I felt that it was all my fault that the situation happened and I had admitted that to SR. Well you know the story. I wrote about it a few days ago.

This is where he stopped me and made his first observation. This is the one that upset me. He said that it was not entirely my fault. He said that SR had some of the blame also. He said that in the end she is the one that made the decision to seek what she needed from him instead of me. I replied that I was the one that pushed her away though. I was the one that was yelling at her, controlling her, verbally abusing her. (As true as that is it makes my stomach knot up) He said that as true as that was, she never told me in a way that was clear what was going on. She instead decided to seek comfort somewhere else.

Now I do agree with him to a point. But to me it just isn't beneficial. To me it seems that it is taking not just A step backwards but a whole bunch of steps backwards. It puts me back to where we were a little over a year ago when I first started this Journey. It puts me back in the controlling situation and back in the situation that I'm blaming her for our problems.

This is where he made his second observation. He said that I have a way of blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for SR communicating with Mr. D. I blame myself for being molested. I blame myself for my sister being molested. Yet I don't lay any blame on SR for choosing to communicate with Mr. D. I don't blame my cousin for choosing to molest my sister and myself. I don't blame my parents for watching over us better and not seeing the signs of molestation.

I told him that I really didn't want to confront SR about the issue anymore. I said things are going really well with us right now and I don't want to mess things up again. That's when he made his final observation. That was completely dead on. He said that he has been seeing me for a few months now and he has noticed that with me things seem to be either going great and I'm happy as can be. Or everything is going terrible and I'm just down in the dumps. Nothing is going right, and I go into the depression. With me there is no in between. It's one extreme to the next.

That my friends is what I need to figure out now. How to find that "happy" medium. And that was all we had time for yesterday. So now I'm waiting to be able to see him again. Which isn't until Oct. He is taking the entire month of Sep. off for vacation. That means no group therapy either until Oct. because of my being out of town next Thu.

So there is my real update on what's going on with my Self Discovery. It's now time to make cookies for our trip. :D


O272 said...

I don't think the focus should be placing blame on anyone at this point. Is that what we need to do to get past something? Point a finger in order to move on?

Eh, what do I know? I'm not a therapist!

Rob said...

I would tend to agree with O here. Acknowledging who does / does not own the blame is fine and does have it's place in order to put things in the right perspective. There it should then stop and be no further dwelt upon nor acted on. It's now history. Learn from it so as not to repeat the same mistakes in the future but then just move on with your life there. As to his observation about your mood swings, highs to lows and back to highs, well that too is understandable. After all, sometimes one's bodily chemical embalance does cause this to happen and the only way to control it best is with meds. Not always the case but some people are that way and no amount of mind reprogramming will change it. I don't know if you fit into that category CH as I'm not your doctor or therapist. So perhaps this is so with you or perhaps not and then meds are not the answer but rather a better take on daily life. Answers still to discover eh?

Confused Husband said...

O That's what has upset me about the appointment. I don't want to point fingures anymore. I've/we've done enough of that in the past.

rob I agree with you here. It has been settled and put in the past. I no longer want to dwell upon it. This was just a recap of my therapy apointment, where the Dr. asked me about the situation because he knew about it. What his observation was more about I think is that I have a tendancy to let everyone else off the hook to easily and put all the responsibility or blame on myself. What he is trying to do is not to makle me dwell on the situation but rather to learn that it is not always my fault and that I need to share the blame/responsibility. My initial reaction to that was to become upset about it because I felt that he was trying to get me to go back to the situation and discuss it with SR more. But now that I've had time to think about it he was trying to get me to learn from this for the future.

That observation about myself I agree with him. I've been having these mood swings from everything is great to everything and everyone is against me for as long as I can remember. What is needed now is to find out if the medication combined with therapy will help me to overcome this or if I'm doomed to be on the meds for the rest of my life. So yes there is lots more to be discovered still.

beautifully human said...

When you know the mix let me know, I'll be standing right behind you (breasts pressed into your back) asking the Doc for the same thing as he gives YOU! I also swing from happy to depressed without a middle ground and it knocks me for 6, which makes either mood worse.

Take it easy!

Beautifully Human xx

Emily said...

At the risk of being a pain in the arse and having rotten fruit thrown at me, I am just wondering if it is possible the Doc has a point?

For instance, blaming yourself for everything could be the flipside of your former controlling behaviour with Summer.

Maybe addressing both sides of this coin is not so much about looking for who to blame as part of seing the whole picture so that you can move on from it?

Confused Husband said...

BH I'll definately be sure to let you know when I find the right mix. ;-) Just make sure your right there behind me.

emily Now why would I want to throw fruit at you? I really do think that is what he was trying to do. But it took me a day or so to see it in hinsdight. Thak you for your input.

And you could never be a pain in the ass. :D

Mr. Husbland said...

I'm an avid fan of accepting responsibility.

So accept yours & allow other people to accept theirs.

You seem to have your portion down pat, but you didn't mention anyone else taking their portion on their backs and apologizing to you.

Just because it is also someone elses fault does not take away from our mistakes.

secretlysage said...

I just found your bolg... I'm not even sure how... ya know, link, link, link. Anyway you have know idea how much this post meant to me. I just started blogging hoping that it would help me work through the problems that I am having right now...(I can't quite bring myself to talk about them yet) which are almost identical to yours, (from what I've read). The only thing is... I haven't mustered up the courage to actually "deal" with it. I sit here and try to get myself to make the appointment with the doctor for counseling but, I'm afraid of what I will learn about myself. Does that make sense?

Anyway... Thanks for what you write, I know it's done for you, but I think it's going to be a big help to me. I'm looking forward to reading through your archives.

Sage xox

Shazer said...

Wow...just found your page. I know exactly that feeling you couldn't find the word for. When your therapist says something...and it hurts, but doesn't really hurt.

I think I agree with him, in that everything isn't always your fault. I know how it feels to feel that way, but it isn't true. As for the "ups and downs" thing...have you ever asked about being bi-polar? I am no therapist...(although I do plan on being one, someday.) but from what I've studied in psychology...your symptoms could be just that. It all depends on how high your "highs" go...and how low your "lows" are...but, it is a thing to be considered. Thanks for your post...check out my may see we have a lot in common.