Honesty II

In continuation of the honesty post that I had written last week here is the follow up.

First off though I want to thank each and everyone of you that took the time to comment on that post. You all have no idea how much your support means to me.

After I wrote that post I did some real serious thinking and soul searching. As a result of that I went back into a depression state. Along with the fact that I had taken another med holiday last weekend. So I hadn't taken my antidepressants in a few days. I won't be doing that anymore. The sexual benefits aren't worth the hell that I feel when I'm in those moods. So I was in pretty much a real bad mood the entire week.

I was feeling very empty inside and feeling very alone. As a result the pool went to hell during the week. It didn't help that I had half the neighborhood kids here swimming in it and I was the one to watch them.

But on Thu. things started to change. While I was at work the one coworker I get along with talked to me and asked what was wrong. She's the only person besides my boss that knows about my depression. She wanted to know why I was so upset this past week. Without going into details I told her that I really felt that I needed to talk to SR but was having a hard time with it. She said that I needed to make it clear to her that I needed to talk to her.

So I sent her a text message telling her that really needed to talk that night. She answered back saying ok and asking when. When I got home that wasn't the right time as I had to go into my group meeting. Which went really well.

I had missed the previous week and really needed to be there this week. I talked to the group about finding Mr. D's number in the cell phone and told the story behind it. Then we talked about suggestions for how I should approach the topics of concern for me. I left feeling a lot better. You see it's not that the men's group is the wrong group for me. It is more that there really is only one person that I want to open up to about what I want to discuss. That person is SR. After I discuss it with her then I will talk to anyone about it.

So when I returned home I posted the Fuck It post while SR was putting the kids to bed. After she came back out we sat together on the couch. Or rather I sat and she laid on my lap and looked up at me. That's when we started talking. We talked about things that had bothering both of us. From my past experiences with a man to Mr. D's number in the phone. We even talked about talking. It was really good. I had found some of the reasons that I would lose my temper and go into my depression states.

So here is what we talked about. First thing was Mr. D. I wanted to know what it was that she was getting from him that she wasn't getting from me. What was it that made her seek it in someone else instead of me. She said that she got someone to talk to that didn't yell at her and make her feel like she was a failure. I already pretty much knew that answer. I told her that what really upset me about the whole situation with Mr. D was that I had pushed her to him. Like I said earlier, when I met the guy I really liked him. He was easy to talk to. I told her that in the end I really don't care if his number was in the phone. She could go ahead and keep it there. I don't care. I know that she loves me and I love her. That is all that matters.

We then talked about why I keep the "fences" up even with her. I told her that I was using the fences as a defense mechanism with her. Every time I have something that I want to talk to her about that is important to me, she puts the conversation on hold for various reasons. S the issue just sits there eating away at me until I get into a depression and that's when I would lose my temper over stupid piddly shit. No excuse I know. But that also explains why I was in the mood I was in the other night. I had something very important to talk to her about but she would not talk about it. We resolved this issue by agreeing that if either one of us has a topic that we feel is important we will talk about it as soon as the kids are in bed that night. No more putting it off.

That leads us to the big topic of discussion for Summer and I. The topic of me being with a man sexually. Ever since I heard the news about my cousin divorcing his wife I had this "need" to discuss it with Summer. She wanted to talk to me about it as well, but was afraid to. She was afraid that I would take my cousins route and decide that I waned to be with men more than her. That's why the topic kept getting pushed under the rug. When in my reality that was the furthest thing from what I actually wanted to talk about.

I knew that she was going to be thinking that because she knew that I had been with a man before we met and due to the threesome we had with the same man. There was also an incident a few years ago. I wanted t let her know that no matter how much I liked all the experiences I could never leave her to live that way the rest of my life. I enjoy the oral portion of being with a man. That's it. That's all I enjoyed about it. Nothing else. The rest I didn't like at all. Knew that from being molested as a kid. As much as I liked oral with a man I LOVE oral with Summer. I'm a very oral person. What can I say? Nothing could ever take the place of what Summer and I have together. The oral "fixation" if you will that I have is not enough for me to want to leave my marriage over.

So I spent the time talking to Summer and reassuring her that I will NEVER leave her for another man nor woman. She is the only person for me. In the end we both felt so much better after we talked. We went to bed happier than we have in a few weeks. We just laid there and held each other close until we drifted of to sleep.


And that my friends is what I needed to be honest about. I got tired of holding it in that I had this oral fixation. Summer knew about it but not how much I actually liked it. That is what I was hiding from my blog, and my therapist. I was hiding this because I wanted to have Summer's acceptance of me first. If she can accept me for who I am then I don't care what anyone else thinks. You can think this makes me gay. Fine. Call me gay. No skin of my back. Summer is ok with me and that's all I ever really cared about to begin with. So now I feel like the fences are coming down and I'm much happier for it.