Having a hard time

                So, I’m not sure how I am going to proceed this time around. I know that how I did it when I started to first write on this page many years ago, was to start in the beginning as each post was about how things progressed. Then I got to current events. I’m just not sure if I will be able to do that this time. I’m thinking that what I might need to do is go back and forth. Otherwise I’m never going to be able to proceed. I’ve been trying for 5 days to get my next post created and I am just having a hard time writing it. Every time I try to write it, I turn into a blubbering fucking mess. I can’t type more than a line or two and I just can’t proceed anymore. I am trying to go into detail about what happened the night I found out that Summer was cheating on me for a year.

                So, as it stands now, I found out on Oct. 24. It is now Dec. 7. Summer has not contact Douchebag since Nov. 23. Douchebag has not even read any of the last 3 messages that Summer sent him.  At least they haven’t communicated via FB Messenger. I have no clue if they have called each other on the phone or have used text messages to communicate now instead of using Messenger. She has already admitted that she used to delete his phone calls and messages so there really is no way of knowing at this point. I n one of her messages to him in right after I found out she told him to start using a different app (Kik) for messaging each other. Although she swears that they have not used the app to communicate, it now shows on her iPad as a frequently used app.

                I just don’t know what to believe anymore. When I first found out about it, she told me that she didn’t love me anymore and she was just waiting for the time to leave. Then when I was out of the house for a few days staying at my sisters, she told me she loved me on the phone. I asked her why she said that, and she said it was out of habit, not because she meant it. She said that she wanted to leave and wasn’t going to change her mind. She didn’t think there was anything left to work on.

                Now fast forward a little bit to within the last week or so and she has done a 180. She now says that she loves me and that she means it. She says that she wants to work on our marriage, and she believes there is something to save. Oddly enough though is that she started saying these things AFTER Douchebag stopped reading and replying to her messages.

                She says that she wants to work on it, and she wants me to trust her again. But when I ask her questions about why she did it, what is she getting out of the relationship with him, I get silence or “I don’t know”. I ask her why she wants to work on it and her reply is because I love her, and I want to work on this. She doesn’t say because she loves me, or because she believes there is something worth saving. Although I guess she has heard me react to that enough that she says she wants to work on it because she believes that there is something to work on now instead of saying because it is what I want.

                I don’t know if she is saying that she wants to work on it and that she loves me because she really means it, or if she is saying it out of habit. Or if she is saying it because she doesn’t have enough money saved for her to get her own apartment (something that she has told one of her friends). Or is she just staying with me because she feels sorry for me? Or because I found out so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas. She really wants to leave and really is done with being with me, but she wants to wait until Christmas is over.

                I am just so fucking confused right now! I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t want her to stay with me because she feels sorry for me. I don’t want her to stick around just because of a dam holiday. I don’t want her to stick around out of some form of guilt or sense of duty. I want her to want to be with me. I want her to want to be faithful to me. I don’t her sympathy or her pity.

                As said in one of my very early posts I don’t believe in separations or “trial separations”. It’s simple. You either want to be with me or you don’t. You either love me or you don’t. If Summer wants to go be on her own for a few months so she can figure out what she wants, then she just needs to leave and be done. I’m not going to be waiting around to be some fucking consolation prize. I’m not going to sit at home every night missing her hoping that she will come back, wondering what she’s doing or who she’s doing it with. Or quite frankly wonder WHO she is doing. I’m not going to be left at home needing to be faithful to her because we are still married, but on a trial separation while she goes out and fucks whoever she wants whenever she wants. After she goes screwing whoever she wants then to decide to come back to me? I’m supposed to just accept that and just be happy that she decided she wants to be with me instead of someone else? What kind of bullshit is that?! Of course, this is IF she even decides that she wants to come back to me. Actually, it’s all a moot point since I will draw the line there. As I have said a separation trial or not, will NOT be happening. Period.

               

                Even writing this post is harder than I thought it would be. Not because I’m a fucking emotional wreck, but because my mind has so much shit that needs to come out and it is going way to fast for me to even try to type it out. It’s like that when Summer and I have a talk in the evenings. On an occasion that I ask a question and she answers it, all it does is generate more questions. I’m not talking one answer creates one question. I mean she gives one answer and it generates up to 6 or more new questions and I can’t keep track of them all.

Now that I am writing this post it’s the same thing. My mind is racing with what I want to say, but my fingers just can’t type fast enough. By the time my fingers catch up I’ve lost what I was going to type. There are so many conversations that we have had and answers that she has given me that I want to put here. I want to get them here as soon as I can, so they don’t get lost or forgotten about. Art the same time I need to try and get them on here in a way that is understandable and not just a jumble and going back and forth.

With that said, I do need to just jump out of order completely and write this down. Not for you that may or may not be reading but for me so that I never forget. She has said multiple times in the last week and a half that she is sorry for what she did and sorry for hurting me. Every time she says this, I give the same response. You aren’t that sorry about it. You’re just sorry that I found out. You weren’t sorry about it when you were doing it. You weren’t sorry that you were doing this for over a year. She says she was sorry when she was doing it. I say no you weren’t. If you were sorry, you never would have done it to begin with.

 I need to keep reminding myself of this. If I don’t remind myself of this then I will just accept that she’s sorry, I’ll forgive her like I did with Mr. D and we will be right back in this situation again in a few years. Or maybe next time it won’t be years. Maybe next time it will be months. Or maybe her and Douchebag are just waiting for me to stop obsessing over this and drop all the conversations, so they go back to doing what they have been doing for the past year.

That brings up another point. I know for a fact that they were doing this FB messenger sexting thing last Dec. because I saw the messages going back that far before Summer erased them all. This of course was AFTER she promised me that she wouldn’t erase them. However, she did admit that she did erase the messages at least one time before Dec. 2019.  For all I know she has been sexting this fucking Douchebag for a few years. She says no but how can I possibly believer her? How can I believe anything that she says anymore? She can tell me the sky is blue and I would have to go look because she lies to me about fucking everything.

Originally, she started talking to him in March after the lockdowns, but when I scrolled to see when they started, I saw Dec. 2019 (again she erased all messages prior to Dec. 2019 so no clue when they actually started). She then swore from the day I found out Oct. 24 to last Fri. Dec. 4, that she has never been to his house, and that he has never been to our house. But I looked up his name in Google and found his address. So, I then said that he lived on x St. when she got home and that he was actually 53 not 47 like she told me. Instantly she said he don’t live on x St. what did you do talk to one of your coworkers? So I started to type on my phone and she kept trying to loom at it. But god forbid I look at her phone or iPad. She has a fucking fit. I have news for you Summer: YOUR THE ONE WHO CHEATS NOT ME! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN’T BE TRUSTED AND LIES NOT ME! I gave you free range of my emails, texts, phone calls everything for years.  IT FUCKING ENDS NOW!!  So I type in his name again and get the street name correct. It then hits me: if she has never been to his fucking house, how does she know the x St. was not where he lived? So I confronted her with this. She said that he went to his house once back in Mar. She also swore that absolutely nothing happened when she was there.

BULLSHIT ON BOTH COUNTS!!! I do not believe she was only there once back in Mar. if so how would she remember the name of the street Douchebag lives on? I already know that they have been sexting for 4 months by this time that she went to his house. So how fucking stupid does she think I am to believe the were sexting each other for 4 months but when they see each other that they did nothing? And before you or Summer answers how stupid she believes I am I already know the answer. She and Douchebag feel I am extremely stupid. I mean I let her cheat on me for a fucking year! I let her cheat on me multiple times in 26 years of marriage so yes, I am the dumbest fucking person alive right now.

Summer I know that you have been to his house more than once. I am positive that he has been to our house. I am positive that you have done more than just sexting, sending pictures and live videoing yourself pleasure yourself. You are just too fucking afraid to tell me the truth because you don’t want to hurt my feelings. Your afraid that I will lose my temper with you and get beyond pissed off. News flash Love: I have every fucking right to lose my shit with you right now after what you have done and for how long you have done it. But have I lost my shit with you at all since Oct. 24? No, I have not. You need to let me be able to determine what I can handle and what I can’t handle. You need to come to terms with the fact that you fucked up and deal with the consequences. Stop using my anger as an excuse. I haven’t lost my temper with you in 15 years. Stop giving me “I don’t know” as an answer. You know why you cheated on me. You know what you were getting out this relationship with Douchebag. Stop giving me the silent treatment instead of answers.

My feeling is that if Summer truly loved me like she has been saying for the last weeks and she believes that there is something to save that she would give me real answers and the lies would stop. I do want to be with her still. I want to be married to her and love her. But for that to happen I need answers. I need the lies to stop. I don’t need Summer to be talking with me in the kitchen and then out of nowhere say “Can I love you forever?” I was feeling really good until she said that to me. We were having a good conversation, I was smiling. We weren’t even talking about the cheating. But as soon as she said that I started crying like a fucking baby. I couldn’t hold it together. She said that she was sorry and that she didn’t mean to hurt me. It just made me fell worse for being fucking weak. I just can’t cope right now. I just feel weak every time I start to cry or feel like I can’t do this. I keep beating myself up for something that Summer made a conscious decision to do. Cheating on me and lying to me for over a year is NOT an accident. That is something that you choose to do openly and willingly. Summer made that choice and she was caught. Now she needs to face the music and stop giving I don’t know answers and stop being silent when a question is asked. If she is not willing to do that then she needs to just rip the band aid off, pack her shit and leave.

It may sound harsh but how fucking harsh was it for her to cheat on me? For her to give this fucking douchebag asshole all the things that I have asked for? For her to offer him those things without him even asking for them? For her to respond to me that I’m gross and disgusting when I ask her to send me a picture, or try to sext her, or try to get her to touch herself?

After all that SHE has done for over a year, she has the nerve to ask me what I am doing to work on our relationship. What do you mean by that? What did I do wrong that needs to be worked on? What am I doing to work on this? I am allowing you to still live under the same roof as me. I didn’t kick you out of the house after you lied, cheated, humiliated me, emasculated me etc. I am trying to forgive you. I am trying to believe you even when you continue to lie to me. I am not looking at your phone or iPad behind your back. If that isn’t good enough just say something. You know where the suitcases are. Just leave both credit cards on the counter along with the ATM card for my checking account. Either that or tell me what I did wrong to deserve this bullshit. Tell what you think I need to work on. From where I am sitting, I don’t have a thing to work on except to decide if I am going to allow this to happen anymore. I need to decide what I am willing to put up with in this marriage.

At some point the cheating that she does becomes my fault because I allow it to happen. I can’t keep crying to people that she is cheating on me if I believe her every time she tells me that she won’t do it again. I need to tell myself that as much as I love her, as bad it will be to be single again, it is better to be alone than to be with someone the disrespects you and humiliates you and lies to you.

What am I doing to work on our marriage? I am telling myself that I still want Summer in my life. I still want to be married to her. I still love her.  That is what I am doing to work things out. I am willing to believe her even when she lies to me. I am willing to trust her. I torture myself everyday on my way home from work because I am afraid to come home (more on that in a different post). I lose sleep every night. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since Oct. 24. I fight the urge to look at her phone or iPad to see if she is telling me the truth when she says they haven’t talked. I believe her when she says they haven’t switched to Kik instead of FB Messenger. I haven’t gone to his house even though I know where he lives. Especially since it is actually a lot closer than she initially made me believe. She told me he lived in the same town we lived in back in 2005. In fact, he actually lives in the same city we currently live in. We drive past his fucking house every time we go to Walmart on payday. That is what I am doing Summer. What are you doing? You ask me for details about my therapy sessions but refuse to talk to me about yours. Again, the double standard. She expects to be able to look at my phone, but I can’t look at hers. She wants details about my therapy but won’t talk about hers.

 

At this point I have gotten way off track and have gone places I wasn’t sure I should go. I kept going between talking to my readers and directly to Summer. So, with that being said, I will end this. I am going to do my very best to try and come up with something positive for my next post. It may not be as long winded as this one since the positive is very hard to find right now, but I will at least try.