Having a hard time

                So, I’m not sure how I am going to proceed this time around. I know that how I did it when I started to first write on this page many years ago, was to start in the beginning as each post was about how things progressed. Then I got to current events. I’m just not sure if I will be able to do that this time. I’m thinking that what I might need to do is go back and forth. Otherwise I’m never going to be able to proceed. I’ve been trying for 5 days to get my next post created and I am just having a hard time writing it. Every time I try to write it, I turn into a blubbering fucking mess. I can’t type more than a line or two and I just can’t proceed anymore. I am trying to go into detail about what happened the night I found out that Summer was cheating on me for a year.

                So, as it stands now, I found out on Oct. 24. It is now Dec. 7. Summer has not contact Douchebag since Nov. 23. Douchebag has not even read any of the last 3 messages that Summer sent him.  At least they haven’t communicated via FB Messenger. I have no clue if they have called each other on the phone or have used text messages to communicate now instead of using Messenger. She has already admitted that she used to delete his phone calls and messages so there really is no way of knowing at this point. I n one of her messages to him in right after I found out she told him to start using a different app (Kik) for messaging each other. Although she swears that they have not used the app to communicate, it now shows on her iPad as a frequently used app.

                I just don’t know what to believe anymore. When I first found out about it, she told me that she didn’t love me anymore and she was just waiting for the time to leave. Then when I was out of the house for a few days staying at my sisters, she told me she loved me on the phone. I asked her why she said that, and she said it was out of habit, not because she meant it. She said that she wanted to leave and wasn’t going to change her mind. She didn’t think there was anything left to work on.

                Now fast forward a little bit to within the last week or so and she has done a 180. She now says that she loves me and that she means it. She says that she wants to work on our marriage, and she believes there is something to save. Oddly enough though is that she started saying these things AFTER Douchebag stopped reading and replying to her messages.

                She says that she wants to work on it, and she wants me to trust her again. But when I ask her questions about why she did it, what is she getting out of the relationship with him, I get silence or “I don’t know”. I ask her why she wants to work on it and her reply is because I love her, and I want to work on this. She doesn’t say because she loves me, or because she believes there is something worth saving. Although I guess she has heard me react to that enough that she says she wants to work on it because she believes that there is something to work on now instead of saying because it is what I want.

                I don’t know if she is saying that she wants to work on it and that she loves me because she really means it, or if she is saying it out of habit. Or if she is saying it because she doesn’t have enough money saved for her to get her own apartment (something that she has told one of her friends). Or is she just staying with me because she feels sorry for me? Or because I found out so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas. She really wants to leave and really is done with being with me, but she wants to wait until Christmas is over.

                I am just so fucking confused right now! I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t want her to stay with me because she feels sorry for me. I don’t want her to stick around just because of a dam holiday. I don’t want her to stick around out of some form of guilt or sense of duty. I want her to want to be with me. I want her to want to be faithful to me. I don’t her sympathy or her pity.

                As said in one of my very early posts I don’t believe in separations or “trial separations”. It’s simple. You either want to be with me or you don’t. You either love me or you don’t. If Summer wants to go be on her own for a few months so she can figure out what she wants, then she just needs to leave and be done. I’m not going to be waiting around to be some fucking consolation prize. I’m not going to sit at home every night missing her hoping that she will come back, wondering what she’s doing or who she’s doing it with. Or quite frankly wonder WHO she is doing. I’m not going to be left at home needing to be faithful to her because we are still married, but on a trial separation while she goes out and fucks whoever she wants whenever she wants. After she goes screwing whoever she wants then to decide to come back to me? I’m supposed to just accept that and just be happy that she decided she wants to be with me instead of someone else? What kind of bullshit is that?! Of course, this is IF she even decides that she wants to come back to me. Actually, it’s all a moot point since I will draw the line there. As I have said a separation trial or not, will NOT be happening. Period.

               

                Even writing this post is harder than I thought it would be. Not because I’m a fucking emotional wreck, but because my mind has so much shit that needs to come out and it is going way to fast for me to even try to type it out. It’s like that when Summer and I have a talk in the evenings. On an occasion that I ask a question and she answers it, all it does is generate more questions. I’m not talking one answer creates one question. I mean she gives one answer and it generates up to 6 or more new questions and I can’t keep track of them all.

Now that I am writing this post it’s the same thing. My mind is racing with what I want to say, but my fingers just can’t type fast enough. By the time my fingers catch up I’ve lost what I was going to type. There are so many conversations that we have had and answers that she has given me that I want to put here. I want to get them here as soon as I can, so they don’t get lost or forgotten about. Art the same time I need to try and get them on here in a way that is understandable and not just a jumble and going back and forth.

With that said, I do need to just jump out of order completely and write this down. Not for you that may or may not be reading but for me so that I never forget. She has said multiple times in the last week and a half that she is sorry for what she did and sorry for hurting me. Every time she says this, I give the same response. You aren’t that sorry about it. You’re just sorry that I found out. You weren’t sorry about it when you were doing it. You weren’t sorry that you were doing this for over a year. She says she was sorry when she was doing it. I say no you weren’t. If you were sorry, you never would have done it to begin with.

 I need to keep reminding myself of this. If I don’t remind myself of this then I will just accept that she’s sorry, I’ll forgive her like I did with Mr. D and we will be right back in this situation again in a few years. Or maybe next time it won’t be years. Maybe next time it will be months. Or maybe her and Douchebag are just waiting for me to stop obsessing over this and drop all the conversations, so they go back to doing what they have been doing for the past year.

That brings up another point. I know for a fact that they were doing this FB messenger sexting thing last Dec. because I saw the messages going back that far before Summer erased them all. This of course was AFTER she promised me that she wouldn’t erase them. However, she did admit that she did erase the messages at least one time before Dec. 2019.  For all I know she has been sexting this fucking Douchebag for a few years. She says no but how can I possibly believer her? How can I believe anything that she says anymore? She can tell me the sky is blue and I would have to go look because she lies to me about fucking everything.

Originally, she started talking to him in March after the lockdowns, but when I scrolled to see when they started, I saw Dec. 2019 (again she erased all messages prior to Dec. 2019 so no clue when they actually started). She then swore from the day I found out Oct. 24 to last Fri. Dec. 4, that she has never been to his house, and that he has never been to our house. But I looked up his name in Google and found his address. So, I then said that he lived on x St. when she got home and that he was actually 53 not 47 like she told me. Instantly she said he don’t live on x St. what did you do talk to one of your coworkers? So I started to type on my phone and she kept trying to loom at it. But god forbid I look at her phone or iPad. She has a fucking fit. I have news for you Summer: YOUR THE ONE WHO CHEATS NOT ME! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN’T BE TRUSTED AND LIES NOT ME! I gave you free range of my emails, texts, phone calls everything for years.  IT FUCKING ENDS NOW!!  So I type in his name again and get the street name correct. It then hits me: if she has never been to his fucking house, how does she know the x St. was not where he lived? So I confronted her with this. She said that he went to his house once back in Mar. She also swore that absolutely nothing happened when she was there.

BULLSHIT ON BOTH COUNTS!!! I do not believe she was only there once back in Mar. if so how would she remember the name of the street Douchebag lives on? I already know that they have been sexting for 4 months by this time that she went to his house. So how fucking stupid does she think I am to believe the were sexting each other for 4 months but when they see each other that they did nothing? And before you or Summer answers how stupid she believes I am I already know the answer. She and Douchebag feel I am extremely stupid. I mean I let her cheat on me for a fucking year! I let her cheat on me multiple times in 26 years of marriage so yes, I am the dumbest fucking person alive right now.

Summer I know that you have been to his house more than once. I am positive that he has been to our house. I am positive that you have done more than just sexting, sending pictures and live videoing yourself pleasure yourself. You are just too fucking afraid to tell me the truth because you don’t want to hurt my feelings. Your afraid that I will lose my temper with you and get beyond pissed off. News flash Love: I have every fucking right to lose my shit with you right now after what you have done and for how long you have done it. But have I lost my shit with you at all since Oct. 24? No, I have not. You need to let me be able to determine what I can handle and what I can’t handle. You need to come to terms with the fact that you fucked up and deal with the consequences. Stop using my anger as an excuse. I haven’t lost my temper with you in 15 years. Stop giving me “I don’t know” as an answer. You know why you cheated on me. You know what you were getting out this relationship with Douchebag. Stop giving me the silent treatment instead of answers.

My feeling is that if Summer truly loved me like she has been saying for the last weeks and she believes that there is something to save that she would give me real answers and the lies would stop. I do want to be with her still. I want to be married to her and love her. But for that to happen I need answers. I need the lies to stop. I don’t need Summer to be talking with me in the kitchen and then out of nowhere say “Can I love you forever?” I was feeling really good until she said that to me. We were having a good conversation, I was smiling. We weren’t even talking about the cheating. But as soon as she said that I started crying like a fucking baby. I couldn’t hold it together. She said that she was sorry and that she didn’t mean to hurt me. It just made me fell worse for being fucking weak. I just can’t cope right now. I just feel weak every time I start to cry or feel like I can’t do this. I keep beating myself up for something that Summer made a conscious decision to do. Cheating on me and lying to me for over a year is NOT an accident. That is something that you choose to do openly and willingly. Summer made that choice and she was caught. Now she needs to face the music and stop giving I don’t know answers and stop being silent when a question is asked. If she is not willing to do that then she needs to just rip the band aid off, pack her shit and leave.

It may sound harsh but how fucking harsh was it for her to cheat on me? For her to give this fucking douchebag asshole all the things that I have asked for? For her to offer him those things without him even asking for them? For her to respond to me that I’m gross and disgusting when I ask her to send me a picture, or try to sext her, or try to get her to touch herself?

After all that SHE has done for over a year, she has the nerve to ask me what I am doing to work on our relationship. What do you mean by that? What did I do wrong that needs to be worked on? What am I doing to work on this? I am allowing you to still live under the same roof as me. I didn’t kick you out of the house after you lied, cheated, humiliated me, emasculated me etc. I am trying to forgive you. I am trying to believe you even when you continue to lie to me. I am not looking at your phone or iPad behind your back. If that isn’t good enough just say something. You know where the suitcases are. Just leave both credit cards on the counter along with the ATM card for my checking account. Either that or tell me what I did wrong to deserve this bullshit. Tell what you think I need to work on. From where I am sitting, I don’t have a thing to work on except to decide if I am going to allow this to happen anymore. I need to decide what I am willing to put up with in this marriage.

At some point the cheating that she does becomes my fault because I allow it to happen. I can’t keep crying to people that she is cheating on me if I believe her every time she tells me that she won’t do it again. I need to tell myself that as much as I love her, as bad it will be to be single again, it is better to be alone than to be with someone the disrespects you and humiliates you and lies to you.

What am I doing to work on our marriage? I am telling myself that I still want Summer in my life. I still want to be married to her. I still love her.  That is what I am doing to work things out. I am willing to believe her even when she lies to me. I am willing to trust her. I torture myself everyday on my way home from work because I am afraid to come home (more on that in a different post). I lose sleep every night. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since Oct. 24. I fight the urge to look at her phone or iPad to see if she is telling me the truth when she says they haven’t talked. I believe her when she says they haven’t switched to Kik instead of FB Messenger. I haven’t gone to his house even though I know where he lives. Especially since it is actually a lot closer than she initially made me believe. She told me he lived in the same town we lived in back in 2005. In fact, he actually lives in the same city we currently live in. We drive past his fucking house every time we go to Walmart on payday. That is what I am doing Summer. What are you doing? You ask me for details about my therapy sessions but refuse to talk to me about yours. Again, the double standard. She expects to be able to look at my phone, but I can’t look at hers. She wants details about my therapy but won’t talk about hers.

 

At this point I have gotten way off track and have gone places I wasn’t sure I should go. I kept going between talking to my readers and directly to Summer. So, with that being said, I will end this. I am going to do my very best to try and come up with something positive for my next post. It may not be as long winded as this one since the positive is very hard to find right now, but I will at least try.

Hey out there! Do any of you still remember me? I'm CH. I know that I've been lacking lately. That might be an understatement actually. I don't know what it is but I just haven't been able to get the gumption up to post on here as of late. I'm torn. Don't know what to do. Don't know what would make me happier. I've thought a lot recently about shutting down. Then every time I think that I also think that it would be a waste to do so.I have 3 years of my life documented here. I don't want to just give up on it. I'll probably just not post as often. Who knows.

So anyways not much has been going on here in the last few weeks since I last posted. I've been making cookies for Christmas again. I'm on my fifth double batch so far. Still have at least 2-3 more double batches to go. As usual I'm going over board on the cookies again. But we go through a lot. 2 Christmas parties, give some away to our neighbors on Christmas day, then there is the ones we'll take to my parents on Christmas day. So we go through a lot too. It's not like I eat them all to myself. That gets saved for the Cordial Cherries. Those are all MINE!

Hunting has been pretty slow lately. I haven't had many opportunities to go. Although 2 weeks ago I got the chance to go on the best pheasant hunt of my life. It was truly amazing. It was like watching a show on the Outdoor Chanel that was taped in South Dakota. Truly a once in a lifetime hunt for someone from Ca.

Jr. has been keeping us busy with his 4H stuff. He is showing a goat this year. Plus the chili cook off that he has signed up for next month. He's also signed up for the rocketry club as well. So we're pretty busy with that.

Youngest is doing alright. At least he is when I'm around. School has been pretty good for him. Home has been getting a little better. At least we are moving ahead in the right direction.

Summer has started babysitting to make some extra money. She's also going back to school starting next week. I think that she has pretty much given up on massage. She did give it a fair try though. We just need more income coming in. Half of her check is going into the gas tank now. Plus her employer has stopped paying standby time. So if she is not giving massages she's not getting paid. They are really slow lately too so sometimes she's there for 6 hours and only does 1 massage. That's a lot of time to be sitting around and not be getting paid.

As for me my schedule/shift has started taking it's toll on me. Right now I'm just hoping that we can get a second lead worker on the crew. Soon. I love the work aspect of the shift still, but I'm getting tired of not seeing the family. I get to see the kids for about 20 minutes in the morning and half an hour for dinner. Summer and I see each other at dinner and thats about it. Unless she comes home from work early. Which isn't often. Plus she works on my days off and I work on hers. We get to a point where we are doing really well together and we can't see each other. So here's to hoping we get a second lead so that I can go back to days. Or at the very least go on a rotating shift which is what my boss wants. If we get two leads he wants to rotate us every two months so we get the experience of the whole job. not just one part. Right now I'm great at the paperwork aspect. But when it comes to the maintenance aspect I suck. I don't deal with that on my shift.

I am taking some time off soon though so that's going to be nice. SR is going to be taking some time off as well at the same time so we can spend time together. I'm working day shift on the 23rd and 24th so I can attend the work Christmas party. Then I don't go back to work until the 2nd of Jan. I'll be off for 8 days and only use 4 days of vacation. Gotta know how to work the system. :D

Hopefully I'll be back in a week or so. We'll see.

Still around

Well I am still around. Just not nearly as much as I'd like to be. This is really getting pathetic actually. I haven't posted a thing since the 16th!! What the hell is up with that? Is my life really that boreing? Please don't answer that. I already know the answer is yes.The fact is nothing much has been going on that has really been blog worthy. Youngest son turned 7 last Fri. We had his birthday dinner with my parents on Sat. evening. HJe has 2 $20 gift cards for Walmart and you'd think that he has Hilton money now. He's going to buy the entire store out.

Duck season also started on Sat. morning. I didn;t hunt on opening day though. I was getting things ready for that evening. My dad and I did go out on Sun. morning though. We had a good day. Came home with a few birds, took a few pictures and shot some hunting footage. We are both recording our duck hunts this year. I even got to shoot a bird when my dad was taking movies of the decoys. Can'twait to see it. Too bad at was a "real" duck. It's going to take all year if not next season as well to live this down. I'm so ashamed of myself. Below are 2 of the pictures I took on Sun. morning.

Sun. was a hard day to get through towards the end. I didn't get any sleep on Sat. night. My work phone kept ringing every time I tried to fall asleep. People calling in sick or tug boats wanting after hours openings. So finally at about 10:30 I told work not to call me again because I was supposed to get up at 1 in the morning. So that put a stop to that. Then after the last phone call Summer asked me if I "needed some help getting to sleep". That's code for she wants 'The Sex'. So me not being the type of person that turns down a woman in need got to take my sleeping aid. We both went to sleep happy. Then it was up 2 hours later to drive 100 miles each way then back in time to go to work that evening. I LOVE this time of year! DUCK SEASON IS OPEN!!!!!!!!!!


So at the very least this means that I'll be posting my sunrise pictures every week.

Without really meaning to I guess that I did make my last post the last one for awhile. When I said that it was more out of frustration than anything else. It's just been one hell of a week around here. We dropped youngest off in S.F. last Mon. That was an experience unto itself. Afterwards Summer and I went out to lunch and walked on the beach. Then it was off to SFO to pick up my parents on their way home from their vacation.

Then Wed. we went to my aunts funeral. My family really needs to try to set up a reunion some time. I saw people that I haven't seen in years. The only time my dads side of the family gets together anymore is for funerals. When we got home that night I started yet another blog. This one is for family. To keep everyone up to date on how things are going for us. So that has been taking some time.

I finished scanning all of my parents old photos and am now starting to scan my grandmas. I've also started to create my first DVD. Talk about a pain in the ass. It's going to be a lot more work than I originally thought. Silly me. DVD's are a lot of work!

Went back to S.F. on Fri. to meet with the therapist and visit our son. It's amazing to me how some people think changing jobs or work schedules is as easy as snapping your fingers. We were told that because of our work schedules that we are basically raising our kids as if we were single parents. DUH! So the therapist told me that I should go back to working day shift and things will get better. A lot easier said than done. To go back to my old schedule would give me a pay cut that I can't afford. Then I would have to go back to my old crew and boss that I don't get along with. Then it will cut down my chances of permanent promotion down to nothing. So she suggested that I get a new job entirely. Honestly where do these people live? What fantasy world is it that easy to just find a new job? Like IO said summer of 2006 I was offered a job that would be doing the same as I'm doing now, would pay me twice what I make now, but I would be home less than I am now. I would work 10-13 hours a day 6-7 days a week. I would also work all over the state and sometimes go into Nevada. So I would live in a hotel when I wasn't at home. how easy would that make things? To live in her fantasy world would be wonderful.

We go back to see him tomorrow and then again on Fri. When we see him on Fri. we get to bring him home with us. It'll be nice to have him back. As quiet as it has been here we really miss him. The past week without him has been kinda nice in it's own way to. We were able to clean the house and it stayed clean. We have been able to focus more attention on our Oldest son this past week and that has been nice too. We finally had his 13th birthday party. Just a few weeks late.

That's going to be about all for now. I have to get ready for another IEP meeting this afternoon.

Danger Will Roberson! Danger!

Or however it is that the saying from that Lost in Space show goes. To be more accurate it should read: Danger blog readers! Danger!

This isn't going to be a very upbeat post I can guarantee that right off the bat. I'm just in a very shitty mood right now. Very, very shitty mood. I cannot express how shitty I am feeling right now.

To start off with We finally have a date that our youngest son will be going to the 2 week evaluation that we were promised back in May. We received a call on Fri. afternoon from his Kaiser therapist saying that the Edgewood Center in San Francisco will have a bed ready for him on Oct. 1. So it went from a few months of nothing to he'll be leaving in a week. So I called the center yesterday and got a list of things that they need to have done this week before he can go there. Which left SR running all over the place tonight trying to rush through physicals and TB tests. We also now have to go buy him new clothes this weekend because he don't have clothes that are appropriate to wear in S.F. We were going to get his winter clothes for his birthday next month. Now we need them this weekend.

We are in such a rush anymore. For everything. The stress is getting unbearable. We have been letting everything slide lately. The house looks like shit right now. We're behind on laundry, my parents come home from their trip on Mon. afternoon so they won't even be able to see youngest until he comes home. We need to do a ton of housework next week so that we can have oldest son's birthday thingy on Sat. night. We wanted to have a combined birthday party for both boys but that won't be happening now. Youngest is going to miss his brothers birthday too.

To top off all the other crap that we have to do next week my sister called me this afternoon when I got to work and told me that our aunt died this morning. So I will be going to the viewing on Tue. evening and the funeral services on Wed. afternoon. This will be an easier funeral to go too this time though. Summer is going to be able to attend this one with me seeing as youngest will be in S.F. at the time. We just need to decide whether oldest will be going with us or staying home with his Great Grandma. We really don't want to take him out of school. But he also should be around the family as well. It may be the only time he sees some of the relatives at this point.

I know that I wrote a warning in the beginning of this post, but I just can't seem to let myself write what I was warning about. I don't want to revert to what I used to be. Then again if I don't write it out I'll end up keeping it all inside and that will just make it worse. It basically boils down to this: I'm tired of the double standards. I'm tired of be asked to things that are not done for me in return. I have a job too. I am also in a managerial position so I need to set an example. The thing is that when I ask and am turned down I am to just accept it and go on about my day. When I am asked to do the same thing but say that I can't leave work I get an attitude and am treated like I don't care. I do care. The thing is if I run to take care of things every time I'm asked to it is just going to solidify to the kids that they don't have to listen to certain people. They only have to listen to me and that's it. Boundaries need to be set and they need to be enforced. STRONGLY enforced. The parent needs to stick by what they say. I they say NO then it must mean NO. When it comes out any different the child quickly learns that NO actually means no until you get tired of saying no then it will be a yes. Does that make sense? Or am I just talking out of my ass here. Maybe I just don't know a dammed thing.

It's a dammed good thing that I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I haven't seen him since May. With all the other crap that we have had going on I haven't had time to get in to see him. Maybe I'll feel a hell of a lot better tomorrow. that is if I actually open up to him and don't just keep things on the surface. I need to get down inside.

All I can really say right now is that I can't wait for Oct. 20 to get here.

Busy, busy, busy...........

........with just a smidgen of laziness in there for good measure.

I've been quite busy lately with work, family matters, doctor appointments (sometimes two a week), personal projects that I have decided to start on, and IEP meetings. I have also pretty much cut my blogging time at work down to nothing. Reading some comments on a few blogs has pretty much scared me away from that. For the short term anyways.

I was actually dumb enough to think that once both boys were in school I'd be able to spend more time blogging during my alone time at home. What a silly thought that was. When you don't get home till after midnight, don't fall asleep till almost 2, then get up to help get kids ready for school at 6:45 it leaves you pretty tired. So I'm back in bed when oldest leaves the house. Then get up around noon and the day is pretty much shot. I really need to do something about this.

So youngest is now back in school. He likes it and seems to be doing good there. He's also seeing a therapist through the county now once a week. She has suggested to me that I don't take him hunting at all this year (a little too late for that since he went dove hunting with me, but no more this year), that we don't let him watch any hunting shows on TV and that we don't let him watch any of my hunting movies. So what that means for me is that I'm not allowed to watch hunting movies or TV either when he is at home. Kinda REALLY SUCKS! So the TV hasn't been on much lately when he's at home since that is usually what is on if the TV is on.

In other news oldest going to be a teenager on Thu. I can't believe it. I'm really getting old. I'm in my early thirties and have a teenager. How did this happen? You don't need to answer that. :D I said that to my mom the other day (the not being old enough to have a teenager) and she told me to shut up. SHE wasn't old enough to be a grandparent to a teenager. Add to that the fact that she didn't have a say in the matter either. So I guess that means I need to look elsewhere for my pity parties. :D

Strangely enough oldest son really don't seem too excited about becoming a teenager. I know I was all excited about it. He just wants to know when we will be celebrating it this year since my parents are over seas right now. They are on a Trans Atlantic cruise. They flew to London on Tue. spent4 days there, then got on a ship Sat. morning in Dover and are cruising to New York. Then they will stay in NYC for 4 days and fly home around Oct. 2 I believe. Must be nice to be retired.

As to my personal project that I have been working on, I have started to bring home my parents photo albums from when the got married up to just a few years ago. I have been going through them and scanning the photos that I want to have and trying to restore them as best I can. Some of them are pretty faded. Especially the ones that don't say Kodak on the back. The ones that are printed on Kodak paper aren't faded. It's really weird seeing myself like I used to be. I looked like such a dork back in the late 80's. I also brought back a lot of memories as well. Especially the Christmas photos. I saw a photo taken Christmas of 78 when I received my most remembered toy. It was a Sho Gun Warrior. It had rockets that shot from it's chest and a fist that when you pushed a button would fly into the air. I loved that toy. Didn't it look so cool?!




So for the rest of this post I will just add some of the pictures that I scanned and leave a brief description of what is being looked at.

This would be me about 1977-8. not sure which. We had just got back from a camping trip to Lake Shasta. I cought both of these fish. One is a German Brown and the other is a Small Mouth Bass.


My sister and I in 1979. It was Easter Sunday. My aunt made that shirt for me. It was my favorite shirt.

This one of those pictures taken that serve no purpose except to embarrass the subject. Pay attention Therese! My family was out for a walk and I needed to go use the bushes. So what does my dad do? He takes this picture and tells me that he is going to show it to my girlfriends when I get older. He does just that too. Why? To embarrass the child! It is a parents right to do just that. Especially after all the embarrassment they cause you. More on that later though.

As I said earlier- I was a dork in the late 80's. Here I am at Crater Lake in 1988. Shudder.

MY freshman year of High School. It was spirit week and this day was 60's day. So I dressed like a hippie.

This is at my grandparents 69th wedding anniversary. In the picture are my grandparents and about half of their grandchildren. Unfortunately the person mentioned here
is also pictured. This is the only picture that my mom hasn't photo shopped him out of. She wasn't able to do that with this picture because it would take others out as well.

Ah yes. 1993. I was 19 years old. Living on my own. Don't you just love the hair? I was going for the Jason Newstead look. Shaved sides, long everywhere else. This was taken about 3 weeks before I met Summer.

One last picture. This would be Summer and I the day we got engaged. Weren't we cute?

Sate Fair!

Sat. was the day that we all went to the California state fair. I had been looking forward to this years fair for quite some time. It's usually a yearly thing that we got to. But last year we went to Tahoe for vacation instead. This year almost didn't happen due to finances but we made it. as a great time. Went and saw all the cool exhibits, the animals, the side shows, the crazy people riding the insane rides, ate fair food, and the most important feature of the fair was people watching. Or to be more accurate stomach watching. :D

The day went pretty well. We only had one small outburst from youngest son because we wouldn't buy him a toy. We told him before hand not to ask for a toy because we were on a tight budget. So what does he do? He asks for a t-o-y every few minutes. Hey he didn't say toy, he spelled it. What are you gonna do? Well what we were supposed to do. We told him n-o. He threw a tantrum, hit and kicked me, I got flustered and and got him with my foot after being kicked 7 too many times. He looked at me asked why I did that, I told him and he settled down. Asked for dinner and things were fine afterwards. All in all though he did pretty dam good for as long as we were there. We left the house shortly after 11:30 and didn't leave the fair till after 10:00. It was close to midnight by the time we got home.

Some highlights of the day:

• Spending the day with family. Always a plus.
• Seeing the Toytopia exhibit. That was pretty dam cool. Got to see tons of toys that I used to play with as a kid back in the late 70's early 80's. Amazingly enough quite a few of the toys were still in the original packages. Even after 30 years.
• Watching the Extreme Super Bike stunt riders. That was simply awesome. I was surprised by how many pictures I took while watching the 12 minute show. Close to 60 pictures and 3 short videos. (I'm testing out the new Google video feature for Blogger and posting a 19 second clip here.)
  

Some low points of the day:

• The heat! It was just over 100 degrees on Sat. It was hot. It wasn't as hot as it was for some of the days I've attended in years past though.
• The temper tantrum of youngest son. Enough said.
• The cost of food. Un-freaking-believable! Good Lord! we spent 30 bucks just for 3 sandwiches and a thing of fries for Summer, CH Jr. and myself. That don't include the popcorn, lemonades, smoothies, corn dog, slice of pizza, funnel cake and ice cream cone. At least the water was free. There was no way in hell I was going to buy a beer. A 10 ounce cup cost as much as a six pack.
• I know I'm probably going to take a ration of shit for this one, but it can't be helped. The funnel cake was a major disappointment. After reading all the reviews for the funnel cake on a few blogs and from from all the comments on those blogs that was my sole purpose for attending this years fair. After hearing about it's "gooey goodness" I just had to have one. It was alright but not worth all the hype I was giving it. It definitely wasn't worth the $5.50 I paid for it. That was for plain powdered sugar. If I wanted fruit toppings, or whipped cream it was an extra dollar per topping. Maybe I built it up to much. I don't know. I do know I will NOT be buying another one in the future.
• I was unable to afford a deep fried Twinkie. I have been wanting one of those for years. But youngest ended up getting his toy after we were done buying food for the day. Oh well. I probably would have been disappointed anyways.

That's it for the fair review. One last thing to add though. When did the mow hawk come back into style? I saw no fewer than 6 kids under the age of 12 with this out of date hair style. What's up with that?

So to end I'll show a few photos of the day of fun.

I don't know where the time has been going lately. I do know this though: there doesn't seem to be enough of it lately. I mean seriously think about it. Summer is almost over already. School starts again in a few weeks. Aug. 22 I believe. What do we have to show for this years summer vacation time? NOTHING! We haven't done squat this summer. no family vacation like usual. We usually take a trip to Tahoe a few weeks before school starts. Not this year. There just isn't enough money. That and the fact that I'm running dangerously low on vacation time. Things have just sucked it down big time this year. Between Dr. appointments, Summer's surgery, and coming home early to take care of youngest son it's just getting drained. I've got just over 2 weeks but I like to keep that in reserve. I see 100 hours of vacation as zero. Especially when there is only 40 hours of sick leave.

That last paragraph bored the hell out of you all didn't it. It's ok. Admit it. It bored me and I'm the one that wrote it.

Anyways I have a few things on my mind. Unfortunately they aren't enough to make a stand alone post. So it's time for the bullet post!

• As I have eluded to previously I'm not a small person. Weight has always been an issue with me. In fact that is why I was kicked out of the Army.I was over weight. Don't take into account that from the day I signed up and the day that I was booted out I lost 80 pounds. I went from a size 42 down to a 36. Then when I left I ballooned right back up there. A few years ago, 2003I believe, I started a new diet. I did the Adkins thing. You know the diet where you eat meat and stuff but no carbs. That means no bread or potatoes. No beer or soda. I did dam good though. I started in June and stopped for the Christmas holiday. Went from 280 down to 206. Once again I was in a size 36. The intention was to go back on the diet after Christmas. Never happened. Now? Now I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. Just over 300. Plus my waist is a 44 now. I have tried various diets through the years and none of them worked except for the Adkins. I can't give up bread or potatoes again though. So now I'm considering something else. My neighbor had a gastric bypass surgery a few months ago. He's dropping weight like crazy. So I'm considering the thought of seeing if Kaiser will approve me for the procedure. I mean they have already told me that I'm "morbidly obese" so whats the harm. Right?

• As most of my long time readers know I started this blog because of the problems that Summer and I were going through. Since then it has gone through a few different phases. Mainly now it is used to help me keep my thoughts in check. That was the main problem that Summer and I had. I would think something in the heat of the moment and instead of thinking about it I would say whatever was in my mind. I have done a much better job of that in the past year or two. It still lingers and I catch myself doing it, but I am getting better. It is coming at an expense though. I am now afraid to bring certain topics up in fear of them being taken the wrong way. So I just keep them inside. I know that is a bad thing as well. I really need to find a balance between the two. Some of these things really need to be said and discussed. I just need to get over my fear of losing my temper again.

• I have always wanted to get a tattoo. Ever since I was in Jr. High. I just was never in a position where I could afford one. Well that urge of wanting one never went away. In fact it is getting stronger now. I really want one. Badly. I've got several in mind that I want to get. Just don't have a location of where I want them to be.

• I really can't wait for the upcoming hunting season to get here. Especially since dove season opens on a Sat. this year. So I'll be out for the morning hunt and then the evening hunt. It's still up in the air if I'm going deer hunting this year though. I will be going duck hunting though. Surprise surprise. :D There is a group of 8 people that are putting in for the opener of goose and duck season at Tule Lake. My dad, 2 uncles, 2 cousins, and one of my uncles is bringing 2 nephews for their first duck hunt. Then we are planning on going back to Tule to go pheasant hunting. The plan now is to leave right after we eat thanksgiving dinner. Make the 11 hour drive, sleep a little bit and hunt Fri. Sat. and Sun. What a way to spend the Thanksgiving holiday!

• This really has nothing to do with anything, but I really like this song. That and they are performing at Sac Valley Amphitheatre tonight. And I can't go. It's not that bad though. They are the only ones on the Project Revolution Tour that I'm interested in seeing so a ticket would just be a waste of money anyways.
  

It's been quite a long time since I have been here with anything of real substance around here. Honestly I have no good reason for that either. I've been running around pretty busy here lately.

• Things around the house have been on a slight upswing. Youngest moods have seemed to stabilized. He still has his moments but they are getting to be less frequent and when they do occur they aren't lasting as long. At least that is my observation. I'm sure that SR's will be different. He is a totally different child after I go to work and he is alone with her.
  
• Oldest son spent the weekend with my sister last weekend. We went up there for dinner Fri. night and got to meet her new girlfriend.
  
• Since youngest son didn't get to spend the weekend with her Summer and I took him to go see a movie on Sat. evening. We went to go see Ratatouille. It was a pretty good movie. It was also the first movie I ever went to that I walked out in the middle to get the free refill of popcorn. I always buy the big one with free refill but never get the refill. I'm just a sucker.
  
• The movie experience was a good one though. It was his first trip to a movie theatre. He did really well. Sat there the entire movie and watched in silence.
  
• Two weeks ago we went camping at the family reunion. That was a good trip. Although there weren't as many people there as usual. My great uncles family wasn't there this year. He has Alzheimer's and isn't doing very well. They aren't expecting him to last much longer.
  
• Summer and I have been getting along swimmingly lately. I think she's still excited about her new car. Hell I'm still excited over the new car. It's a gas guzzler though. Well let me rephrase that. The mileage is good on it for a V8. It gets the same mileage as the Explorer. So that is actually pretty good. The thing is that it has a 22 gallon tank. Damned expensive to fill. Especially at 3.15 a gallon.
  
• Just a few more days until Summer and I take off for Reno. The trip is going to be great! We're going to Circus Circus for the night. We leave at 8:00 in the morning Sat. and won't be back till Sun. night. I can't wait! So far the itinerary is based on buffet food. We're eating dinner at the El Dorado Sat. night. The we're hitting the Atlantis for their buffet brunch Sun. morning. At some point on the trip we will be hitting Sportsman Warehouse too. I'll be like a little kid in Toy's R Us. It's the hunting/fishing mans toy store. I'm all giddy.
  
• We have nothing else planned for the trip. Except of course hot crazy hotel sex. We might spend a few dollars in a slot machine but that's just for the free drinks.
  
• You know a funny thing happened the other day. Summer was having a bad day and was kinda depressed. I told her that the reason for the depression was due to lack of sex. I told that it is scientifically proven that people that have sex more frequently are less susceptible to depression and are happier in their day to day lives. Since that talk we have had sex 3 times in 36 hours. And guess what? We're both happier people! (I have absolutely nothing to back up what I said.)

• That's all for now. Just dropping in to say that things are going pretty good from my point of view. I can't wait for Reno this weekend.

I'm wondering if this was sent out to other bloggers that blog at work. Or was it just me?

Effective Immediately!!

We are asking that somewhere between starting and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest period, story telling, ticket selling, vacation planning, rehashing of last nights TV shows, bidding on auction items, and visiting sights like Blogger, and Wordpress, that each employee endeavor to find some time that can be set aside and known as the "WORK BREAK".

To some this may be a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can conceivably be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular pay checks.

While the idea of the Work Break Plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial.

Management

I don't know what it is I just haven't had much time to be blogging lately. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. It's just that with school being out my entire day is focused on the boys and keeping them occupied. There is quite a bit for me to say though. I do hope to get to doing that soon. Things have taken a turn for the better on a few fronts around the house hold. Youngest is still having his issues, but things are moving along quite well the past week or so.

Happy Father's Day!!!

Seeing as I have to work tomorrow night We had our Father's Day goings on tonight. Last night while out shopping I got my gift. A new BBQ! My oldest son and I were up till almost midnight last night putting it together. We had a good time doing it too.

This morning I was put to work cleaning the back yard so that it would be somewhat ready for the new grill. helped my son straighten the garage up a little, helped Summer fold laundry, and cleaned the pool. Lastly around 2:30 I put a pork roast on the rotisserie and cooked it real slow.

Let me just say that it was AMAZING! I love this new grill. Using the rotisserie is THE way to cook roasts. Next I want to try to cook a rack of ribs on there. My dad did that a few months ago the turned out real juicy.

Any ways this is enough boringness for you to have to read for the night. Hope you all have a wonderful Father's Day!

I know that I need to update on how things went on Fri. afternoons Dr. appointment. But I want to post about something good for a change. Something "happy". I want you all to know that things aren't all doom and gloom around here. We do in fact have some good times here as well. This weekend had a few of those good times packed into it.

On Fri. afternoon my dad made a unannounced visit to the house. Now usually this would send me into a deep well of differing emotions. I mean it was unannounced. The house was a mess. I had just had a very stressful day with Kaiser and dealing with the school. I just was not in the mood for visitors.

But it wasn't bad at all. We sat in the dining room and just talked for awhile. we talked a lot about the things that happened with youngest son the night before. He actually told me that Summer and I are doing a good job with the kids and are doing the best we can with what we have to deal with. It really made me feel good about myself. Especially coming from my dad. He's not really the type of person that talks a lot about stuff like this. So that actually made my night Fri. It has been so long since we had conversation that had meaning to it. Especially that didn't seem forced or anything like that. It was just natural like.

I actually look forward to more talks like this with my dad. Especially knowing my dad and how he is. Things like this don't come the easiest for him. For me either. I don't know how many times I have wanted to start a conversation with my dad but didn't do it. Just because I didn't know how to start the conversation or I was too scared.

First of all I got myself a new camcorder! I'm so stoked about it. Yes. I just said stoked. It is SOOOO cool. It records straight to DVD. The movies it takes come out so clear. It's amazing. It has a killer zoom too. 32X optical, 1000X digital. On Sat. I went to my parents house to help my dad put his new refrigerator inside (what a fiasco that was!) the house. While there I was showing them my new camcorder and showed them the movies I had taken with it. SO my dad starts talking about how nice the picture is and how cool it would be for him to have a camera like that for the trip he is leaving on this Fri. (he and his brother are driving to Alaska for a 6 week fishing trip). So then he tells my mom that he wants a camera exactly like that for his Fathers Day gift. That just made me feel even better about my camera. For once I have something that he wants! It's usually my dad having something that I then decide 'I have to have one of those too!'. Not his time. What moral booster.

Yes. I know I'm weird like that.

Then Sat. night when Summer got home from work her and I spent over an hour at VS looking for new clothes. She ended up using her entire GC that I gave her for her birthday that night. I can't wait for the clothes to get here.

Oh did I mention that we were in bed when we were looking there?

I didn't?

Ok. Well while we were looking at VS we were in bed. Wearing only what we came to this earth with. When we finished looking it led to some amazing adult activities. She was writhing around on the bad for quite some time just from my fingers. When I finally got inside of her it was like she couldn't have me deep enough. We both climaxed together and just collapsed. I couldn't move a muscle. Let me tell you something: I slept like a rock that night! Almost every time Summer saw me on Sun. she would thank me for Sat. and tell me how much she enjoyed herself.

Sun. was a pretty slow day. In fact I can't remember much about what happened on Sun. at all. Summer and the kids went to church. But the rest of the day is pretty much a blank. That is except for the last half hour before I went to work in the afternoon.

I went out to the garage to butcher my hair again. Went in the house and shaved and showered. You know usual before work routine stuff. Then when I got out of the shower Summer was in the room and the door was closed. The kids were in the pool swimming, and Summer kept saying how sexy I was and just sat on the edge of the bed. So I bent over to kiss her. That led to me undressing her. Of course that led to MORE great sex! Except for the fact that her phone kept ringing. Usually this is a bad sign. But not this time. She was as frustrated as me. She just answered and said that she would have to call them back and hung up. We never lost a beat. So that made for a very relaxing night at work last night.

So you see? There are still some good things that happen around here. It's not all doom and gloom. It just seems that the good times are too few and far between right now.

A sinking feeling

The last 24 hours have been VERY eventful to say the least. I took youngest to see his therapist again yesterday morning. He looked through all of our IEP paperwork (SR keeps every IEP form we get in a binder with page protectors) and he noticed something neither one of us ever did. Back in Sept. when we had an IEP for him the first week of school we had talked about sending him to a non public school. The Spe. Ed diecrtor for the district even called the school during the meeting. Yet there was no documentation saying that we even discussed the school. So now legally the conversation never took place. Great. There is more tom say about that but my mind is racing right now.

Last night while I was at work Youngest asked if he could go play with the neighbor girl (his best friend). So Summer said sure. Next thing she knows the police dept. calls up and says that they have him in there custody and he tried to break into the hardware store ion town! They are going to bring him home. She calls me and I get off work and come home. By the time I get here they have dropped him off and have left. SR's friend from church and a teacher at the school is here. We talk about everything that has happened with him lately and all the crap that we have gone through with the school.

Cut to today. I wake up early and call the Schools Superintendants office. Leave a message for them to call me back. Then I call the Spec e director and leave a message for her to call me back. Then call Kaiser and get transfered to the crisis center at Kaiser. They get all the info from me and say they are going to talk to the head of child psychiatry tyhere and get back to me within an hour. They PROMISE!

After all the phone calls I write an email to the spec ed person and CC it to the superintendant. asst. superintendant and the Protection and Advocasy Inc. (PAI) in Sacramento. which by the way Summer called them last night and they put us on the top of there list and are having an atorney call us on Mon. moprning. YAY!

Any ways that was 2 hours ago. Still no calls from the school dist. even though I gave them my cel and home number. I did receive an email from PAI saying that they received it and for us to call and they will set us up with someone. That was already done though.

So let's go back in time to Kaiser. They called me back in 20 minutes. Amazing! I wasn't expecting that. They said to have him in tyhe office at 1:30 this afternoon. They are also checking an a residential program for him and will have more info on that when we get there this afternoon. I never even mentioned that to the crisis person. They are finally seeing that as a necessity just like we are. I mean it's to the point where we can't even go to the bathroom when we are alone with him.

So Summer is getting off work early today and is going to meet us for the appointment. (My typing is zattrocious today!!)

Anyways now I'm just overwheled with so much right now. I mean we are finally going to get some real help. Hopefully. Kaiswer is seeing that we need to have him in a place where they can better evaluate him. That is making me so happy. But at the same time I'm scared. I'm sad. I feel empty inside. I want to scream. I just want to feel numb to the world. I just don't know what to do. Or how I should be feeling right now.

I know there is no set way to feel. I also know that this is a good thing for him and for the family as a whole. This is the right thing to do. But why does it have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt so much? Why did it even have to get to this pooint in the first place? This is NOT WHAT WE WNATED AT ALL FOR OUR CHILDREN!!!!!!

I am just so full of conflicting emotions right now. But anger and pure rage is the most prevalent. I just don't know who I'm rtaging and angry with.

I have so much more I want to say but I just can not sort pout my feelings. It is also time ofor us to leave. Youngest and I are going to meet Summer for lunch before the appointment. this may be the last time for awhile. That saddens me the most.

I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted. Even more I can't believe how busy we have been around here the last week or so. So now I have to see what I need to put in as an update.

First off I had a meeting with my therapist on the 18th. We spent the entire appointment talking about youngest son and the issues that we have been having with him. He actually spent the last 10 minutes of the appointment trying to get him an emergency psychiatrist appointment. To no avail. He did ask that Summer and I stay for a few minutes after the appointment (Summer and youngest were there as well but in the waiting room) so that he could find someone to see us immediately. He was able to get someone or rather 2 people to come and see us. They put it in his file that he was seen on an emergency basis. and that this should help in the future as far as getting things done.

On Tue last week I took youngest son to see his therapist again. this time he saw the Dr. alone for about 20 minutes. After that was done the therapist made a new appointment for this week and said that he will continue to need to see us at least every other week if not every week. When we got home there was a message on the answering machine saying that we finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist and that it would be the next day.

So that night Summer took a bunch of pictures of the things that our son has done around the house so I could take them to the appointment with us in the morning. The appointment went pretty well. The Dr. was able to see his behavior change from being really good and cooperative to starting to be destructive and hitting me. We saw this Dr. for almost 2 hours. She said that he will need to be seen by her and the therapist quite often so that we can teach him the tools necessary for him to calm himself down. She also said that he does not have autism, ADHD, ODD, or any of the other things he has been diagnosed with at the other facility. She said that he never should have been put on Wellbutrin to begin with because it is an anti depressant and he doesn't have depression. She believes he is Bi-polar. The problem is that there are no FDA approved meds for children with Bi-polar mood disorders. But she prescribed him a new medicine to take. Depakote. It is a mood stabilizer. She said that he needs more than just medication and that she wants to continue to see him on a more regular basis than his other Dr. did. So that is a plus.

Other than that things have been so-so. The whales are finally out of the area. At least as of 3:00PM yesterday they were finally leaving thew area. So that is a relief. I was on vacation yesterday and today is a holiday so I have had an extended weekend. :D I've been able to catch up on sleep, eat real dinners with the family, and spend a little time with Summer in the evenings.

We attempted to set up the pool over the weekend. That was a flop. Big time. We started to add water to the pool Fri. evening. It was full by Sat. morning and I started to run the pump. By 7PM we heard a loud noise from the back yard and saw the pool collapsed over and emptying itself out. I fixed it and started to refill it. But the torrent of water from the pool draining washed a lot of sand away. So I could actually see the pool slipping and sinking down. Which would cause it to fall over again. So now we have been draining the pool since yesterday morning. Funny how it drains so much slower than it fills.

When it is empty we need to move it closer to the house and hope that fixes it. If not I need to haul a lot more sand. Which I am NOT looking forward to. I thought I was going to break my truck last week. I had it WAY overloaded. I used a front loader at work and dumped a bucket load of sand in the back of my truck. Can we saw 'Maxed out the suspension travel?' My shocks were bottomed out and the springs were bending the wrong way. The front of the truck was almost off the ground. It wasn't pretty.

Other than that I need to get away. Or rather Summer and I need to get away. Together. Alone. Without the kids. For at least one night. Maybe two. A place where we can just lock ourselves up in a room and not come out. A place where talking about the kids is strictly forbidden. Even punishable.

God that sounds so good right now.

Does it make you a bad parent if you are actually willing and wanting for your child to be placed in some sort of in patient program?

I can't speak for Summer but I am getting closer and closer to seeing if Kaiser has a place that does that. I hate the idea of even thinking about it. But at the same time I just don't know how much more we can take. He was kicked out of his after school program this week. They said he cannot return until next year. The school reduced his hours from full day to half day. They are no longer trying to integrate him into the regular kindergarten class. He stays one on one with his helper the entire time he is at school. If the school determines that he is having a bad day and don't want to listen or becomes violent in any way they send him home. As usual but they are sending him home at the onset now. They used to wait to see if they could calm him down.

The problems with youngest son are just running down and causing problems in other areas as well. Summer and I are snapping at each other quite a bit anymore any time the subject of him comes up. She is just so upset about this whole thing. I am too but she is taking this much harder.which don't make it easy on me. Especially when she shows me bruises that he gives her or when I come in to see her crying because of the problems. I just don't know what to do. There has to be some place out that can help us so that we can live a normal life with our kids. Right now that just isn't possible.

We used to get a small break on the weekends when he would go play with the neighborhood kids. But now most of the kids won't play with him. Or their parents won't let them play with him. That just makes his tantrums and outbursts get worse. He wants to play with kids but the kids won't play with him. So he throws fits and destroys things in the house.

At least if he goes to an inpatient place that would hopefully serve 2 purposes. It will hopefully give the Dr.s enough time to do better evaluations on him and come up with better solutions. It would also give Summer and I the much needed rest we need. We just need to get away from our son.

And saying that makes me feel like a shitty parent. I mean what kind of parents wants to ship their kid off just so they can get time away from them? I'm not talking send them to the sitters for the evening or to the grandparents for the weekend. I'm talking an extended period of time. How long? Who knows. We have had 2 places say up to 90 days. But they are also the same places that say they can't help out because of Kaiser.

Maybe that's the solution! I'll quit my job and go on Welfare. Then I can get all the help we need free of charge! Then the county can't say that they can no longer get involved. They would be able to say "Oh you don't have insurance? We have just the help you need! Come on in." Instead we are getting "Well we'd really like to help you out, BUT you are a contributing member to society. You work 40+ hours a week and you have insurance. You don't sit at home and have babies just to get money from the state. So we can't help you."

It's pretty bad when a person that is doing everything right in this world like working, paying taxes, contributing to society can't get shit. But a crack whore mom can get knocked up every few years, live off the system, get free housing, free food, and a check that I help pay for can get all the free medical help she wants.

What kind of fucked up world is this?

Things are slow here at work tonight so I'm gonna see what happens as far as creating a post. No promises as to the quality. Someone at work pissed me off tonight and I don't know who to be mad at. I have a bag of chocolate in the freezer at work. I have my name written on the bag of chocolate and my name is in plain view. Last night I thought maybe that a piece or two was missing. So I inventoried it all. Today I come to work and go into the freezer to take out my desert and ALL of my candy bars are gone! All that is left are 3 Cadburry Creme eggs that melted on the way home from the store. What good does it do to put your name on something if no one will honor your name? Now I am out 4 candy bars, and won't be going back to the 99 cent store for another week. At least they left my Hungry Man TV dinners alone. I'm tempted to go in the fridge and drink the RedBull in there that don't have a name on it. But I'm a better person than that.

As I wrote a few weeks ago my cousin was coming up from Costa Rica for some meetings this past week. I met him in Sac on Fri. afternoon and he gave me my box of cigars. I'm stoked! They are bigger than I thought they would be. I was able to find a guy at work that is really into cigars and he gave me a lot of info on humidors and what not. He also gave me 2 catalogs and 2 cigars just to test out. So I ordered my humidor and a few accessories and they should be here this week sometime. Here's the thing. I'm not really interested in smoking the cigars. I'm more into just the novelty aspect of having cigars that came straight from South America and were made from a person who was born and raised in Cuba. That and my cousin said that if I wanted to I could sell them for $20 a piece. I might have him bring me up another box when he returns in June. :D

In other news of my brief visit with my cousin, he and his wife bought a cabin in Oregon a few months ago. While we visited he said that he will send me the calender to the cabin and I can choose any open date I like to go up to use the cabin for a week. So we will try to do that towards the end of July, beginning of August. The really cool thing about the cabin is that it is on a lake and there is no driving to the cabin. It is boat in only. How cool is that?! There is good fishing on the lake, he has a fishing boat, ski boat, jet ski, and "skiff" that is used to get to the cabin from the marina.

So that is the plan for this summer's family vacation. we have gone to Tahoe for the last 3 years in a row. This year it is time to go take in some new scenery. Not that I'm tired of Tahoe. Believe me when I say it is my favorite place in Ca. and I haven't begun to explore all there is to do up there. But something new would be welcomed. Plus I like the secluded aspect of the place. So now we just have to wait for the end of summer to get here.




Sorry for the interruption there. Summer and the boys came to work and brought dinner with them! I got eat dinner with my family. Not only that but it was the first home cooked meal that I have eaten in over 2 weeks. This past weekend for me was hectic. After meeting with my cousin on Fri. I decided that I wasn't going to wait anymore and take the boys out fishing. So off to Subway I went to get dinner and we found a spot on the bank of the river and fished for a few hours. We had great time. youngest enjoyed himself immensely. He actually had plans on staying out fishing all night long. He wanted to stay out till the sun came up. That's a long time since we started fish at around 7:00. Jr. and youngest each caught fish. I didn't fish at all. I just sat back and enjoyed the time with my boys. I have never done that. I usually want to be right out there fishing myself and concentrate on myself catching fish. Not this time though. After we ate youngest came over and sat on my lap for a few hours except for when I was baiting hooks or taking fish off of hooks. Finally about 10:00 he decided that he was tired and wanted to go home to go to sleep. It was such a good time I think I might do it again this Fri. since Summer volunteered to work another Fri. night.

Then on Sat. I volunteered to help my sister move. So that was an all day thing. I got some things out of it though. She gave us her old entertainment center, which used to be my parents, and an old dresser to give to youngest. So when I got home I had to take down the stereo and all that goes with it, move in the new entertainment center, and then try to reattach all the wires in the correct place. Next thing I know it's 9:00 and we still didn't have dinner. So off to Mc Donald's I go to get dinner. I pop in a DVD to watch with dinner realize that I hooked the VCR up to the TV instead of the DVD player. The DVD player video cables were plugged into the surround sound where the VCR was supposed to be. So I had to fight with that to get it right. It's done though. I have conquered the home theatre system. I am man. Here me roar! Now if only I could get the DTS Surround to work between the DVD player and the surround system. They are both DTS ready but when I select DTS no sound comes out. It's annoying. I want the optimal sound with my movie watching experience! Instead I'm stuck with Dolby Digital.

Time for a new system complete with Plasma TV right dear? :D

What else can I right about? Summer is going on her church retreat again this month. I'm actually kinda nervous about it this year. When she was gone last year was when I had the "meltdown" and all that stuff that lead to my being on meds. That would be the time that I wrote this gem of a post. So I'm not looking forward to her going for the weekend. Although it's silly of me to relate her leaving with what was going on at the time.

And the plot thickens

This is a continuation of the post below so go read it first. Pretty please?

so After I published the post I finally got ahold of Summer. I had told her what the teacher said and that I was staying home. When she got home as expected she was upset. She instantly got on the phone with someone with the school district. For the life of me I can't think of her position. Anyways Summer called her and I called Kaiser to talk to his psychiatrist. She wasn't in today as it's her day off. So I left a message for her to call us ASAP and that we want an appointment this week. NOT in a month.

Summer's conversation was a little hard to take. She was told that the school district would be willing to help with mental health services, BUT (that's a big but get it?) the school would have to report the incident to the police and have a report written up. Which they would have to do anyways. Then she said CPS would be called and have to come out to the house. Then they would see if they could get us help through the school district. BUT she's not sure if we can get help due to our income and the fact that we have medical insurance already. She also said that there is an option that they could take him to a live in psychiatry place or boys home like the 8 year old I spoke of previously.

After we both were off the phone she started crying and just sat in my lap. All she could say was what did we do wrong? How can we be that bad as parents? I kept saying that we're doing everything we can. It's not our fault it's just the way he is. It was kind of hard to say it like I meant it though. I don't believe it myself.

You want to know what the terrible thing is that makes me a real shitty parent? I actually would prefer that he goes to a live in place for awhile. Es[ecially if it will help him out. Because it is obvious that we aren't making things better. It would be hard to see him gone for the time that it would take. But if it would help out and find the problem and not just mask it with drugs like Kaiser does then it would be well worth it. I hate to see the way Summer feels right now. It tears me up inside. It's even worse when it is your own son that is doing it.

I'll be back with more in awhile.

I'm at a loss

I don't know what to do anymore. Summer don't know what to do either. Things are just getting worse and worse. We both feel so hopeless and like we have no control. This post has been a long time coming actually. I have just been putting it off thinking that this will just go away. Things will cure themselves. Right? They have to. I mean how can they have gotten this bad to begin with? We both want to wish this was just a dream. But we also know that the fact of the matter is this: This our reality. It is not a dream. Or rather this is not the worst nightmare imaginable. It is our lives. And nothing we do ever seems to make it better.

What's that? Is something wrong between Summer and I? Oh no. We are doing much better. The problem is our youngest son. Things are just getting out of control here. And as I just found out today they are getting worse at a rate in which the Enterprise would not be able to catch it in maximum warp drive. (Sorry. TNG is on right now.)

I just don't know where to begin. His temper tantrums are getting much worse. And they happen for no apparent reason at all. For instance he will be playing baseball in the front yard with his brother. They will be playing fine. Then for no reason at all he will just start wailing on Jr. with the bat. He can be sweet and loving like he was the other night when we were watching the stars. Then at the drop of a hat he can turn into devil boy. He has broken his bedroom door off the hinges. Kicked a hole in the wall in the living room. You can stand in his bedroom and see through the wall into his brothers bedroom. I can be playing with him and then for no reason at all he'll get this evil look in his eyes and he will start shouting that he hates me. Or he hates Summer. Or whoever. He'll go int6o a blind rage that has no apparent trigger to us. Then as fast as it started it stops and he is all lovey dovey again.

It happens at school too. He will be listening nicely then all of a sudden go into tantrums at school. Or on the bus. But not last week. His bus driver told me on Fri. that she was really proud of him. He was great the entire week. Same from his teacher. She said that he was really good the entire week.

His therapist says that he is a perfectly normal 6 year old. Bull SHIT! His Psychiatrist says that he has autism and has him on 2 different medications. He takes the same dose of Wellbutrin as I do in the morning. Then he takes 7.5mg of Abilify in the evenings. He started off at 2.5mg then went up to 5mg then the 5mg along with 1 wellbutrin to where he is now. All the doctors seem to do is up the dosage for his medications. They don't do anything else.

Today though. Today was the real kicker. I got a call from his teacher this afternoon. She said that she had to tell me what he had said to her while he was in school today. He told her that he wanted to get a gun to shoot his mom and then bury her. Now I ask you- Is this the behavior of a normal 6 year old? Do all six year olds say they want to shoot and bury their moms? If so I'll back off. But I guarantee that it is NOT normal.

He is already so strong that Summer can't do much to restrain him. He has hit her and left some pretty bad bruises. He can hit me and leave a decent size mark. Just last month he scratched my arm by digging in his nails. It ended up leaving a scar on my right arm.

So now here I am. Staying home from work tonight to do God knows what. Talk to Summer and see what our next step is. Then I'll go to my parents and leave my guns over there. Paranoid? HELL YES I AM! Then we'll call Kaiser and tell them that we need to do something now. Not in a month when they can "fit us in". We need to get inside his head and find out what the hell is going on in there.

When I went to talk to my boss today he told me about his neighbors grandson. This kid is 8 years old and in the exact same class as our youngest. For the same basic reasons. His grandma adopted him. He has a temper like our son. Changes at the drop of a hat the same too. Last week he beat up his grandmother. Again. This week he is now living in a boys home in St. Helena. This 8 year old beat up a Jr. High kid a few moths ago. Seriously. And guess what. According to my boss he is scared of my kid. So what does that tell ya? I know what it tells me. It tells me that somewhere along the line we fucked up big time in parenting him. My boss says that I shouldn't say that. It's just the way he was born. Some people are just born with chemical imbalances or something like that.

I don't know. all I know is that I can't keep going on like this.

They call me

..... The Installinator! (thats to be said in an Arnold Swartzenager voice with booming echo)All tremble before the mighty powers of The Installinator!

I have discovered new powers on this journey of mine. I have now discovered that I can in fact take an old toilet out of a bathroom and put a new one in it's place. I just won't tell you that I started this project at 10:30 in the morning and didn't finish until **Cough**4:30 **Cough**in the afternoon. It wasn't all my fault though. Honestly. After I got the old toilet out I decided to check and see if there was any dry rot in the flooring due to the leakiness of the old toilet and fittings. I wasn't sure about the condition so my dad came over and took a look at it. H said that the floor was fine so there was no need to replace it. But he said that I might as well replace the valve that comes out of the wall and the pipe too since it was old and ugly (the pipe. The valve leaked). Not a problem. He left and I went outsides to turn off the water to the house. Come inside grab some channel locks and turn the pipe. SNAP! Problem.

I busted the elbow inside the wall. Or rather the copper pipe that goes to the elbow then to the outside. So I drive to my dads house so I could calm down and find what to do next. I know nothing about plumbing. He says we need to cut a whole in the wall to access the copper pipe and solder a new elbow on it. He says the reason that the pipe broke was that when the house was built they didn't nail the elbow to a 2x4 like they are supposed to.

We go to Ace and grab our stuff and get home to cut a hole in the wall. It's 6x17 if you really wanted to know. And yes it is still there. After the hole was cut we found something out. When dad and I remodeled the master bath 4 years ago we took out the 2x4 bracing for the elbow. We (he) soldered the new fitting on the pipe and he left. I was once again on my own to replace the toilet.

And what do ya know. I did it. I installed a new toilet in the front bathroom. It's shiny and sparkly and oh so pretty. Except for the chip in the porcelain on the lid to the tank. Grrrrrrrr.

That my friends is why they call me The Installinator!

Stay tuned next week when The Installinator! installs a new kitchen sink and faucet. I may even put up a picture or two of that job when it's done. I'm really getting into this home repair stuff. If only it didn't leave me too tired for sex. that's right friends. I'm tired. And I thought only women used that line. What the hell is wrong with me?