Finaly caught up

…………..I walked in the door and the flowers I saw the day before were still there on the table. I put my duffle bag in the bedroom and put the dog’s bed where it belonged in the living room. Summer was in the laundry room (if memory serves correct this was a few months ago. Some details are a little hazy, others are clear as a bell). I then went to the computer to look at the checking account. I just looked blankly at the screen not really seeing it. I was flooding with emotions being home. Anger, confusion, sickness, sadness, confusion, love, hate, I think if there was an emotion to feel I was feeling it.

                She came out and the dog was super excited to see her. She said her hellos to our dog and came to the computer desk. She asked me if I was going to even say hello to her. I responded that I was doing as directed and staying out of her way. She then hugged me and started crying. She said that she missed me. I hugged her back and holding her again felt so good. As hurt and betrayed I felt I still loved her.

                I don’t know how it happened, but we ended up in the bedroom and just sat on the bed talking. Apparently, the flowers came from our neighbor. She had texted him a few days ago and asked if she could pick some of his roses from the yard. The next day he bought her the flowers the next day. (I know this because later I looked at her phone.)  She said that he got them for her because she was smiling more than he had ever seen her smile since we moved in 3 years ago and wanted to keep her smiling.

                She was shocked to see me with no hair on my head and all my facial hair gone too. She asked why I did it. I told her why I did it and when. We talked about Mother Hen and the incident with our older niece and my dad. We talked about what was going on. Taking turns crying, being mad, hurting, etc. I kept asking for details about her relationship with Douchebag and she kept lying to me. (I just didn’t realize how much was lie and how much was truth for quite some time.)

At some point we ended up naked and we fucked each other for the first time in a few weeks. When we finished again, we sat there and talked. Finally, we realized we had been in bed from about 1:30 to 8:00. We threw on some clothes, got in the van and drove to Sonic for a late dinner. We came home about 9:00 or so and went back to bed. We stayed up talking some more, we fucked again and went to sleep around 1:30 or 2:00. We got up the next morning (Halloween) talked a bit and she made me breakfast. After breakfast we went to Walmart and Costco to do our shopping. Came home and talked some more.

                The next day Summer went to work, and I was left alone in the house. I tried to get into her iPad, but she changed the passcode. I cleaned the bedroom and did laundry. Pretty much I just tried to do the best I could to keep my mind from thinking about Summer sending naked pictures of herself to another man.

                That is about the time that my ED started up. That was in the first days of Nov. We are now in the last days of Feb. and it is still here. Not as bad now as it was back then though. I just have a difficult time staying hard. I want to have sex with Summer. I can be hard if she is sucking me or playing with me, but as soon as I go for penetration it would just go dead. My brain would just instantly shut things down and they wouldn’t work. During the first month and a half or so I was back Summer’s appetite for me was really increased and I just couldn’t perform. If I could manage to stay hard enough for penetration I couldn’t finish. I was only able to finish once out of every 4-5 times of trying. When I was able to finish it wasn’t like it was before. There was barely anything there.

                I just kept reading the words she wrote douchebag in her messages over and over again in my head “he doesn’t last long enough. He doesn’t satisfy me in bed”. It hurt. It fucked up my self-confidence big time. Still does, but not as much now. At least now I can at least remain semi hard enough to stay penetrated. I still have issues finishing though. Which I guess is making Summer happier because I am lasting longer now.

                In our discussions the following week I told her that I was not going to force her to stop communicating with douchebag because that was a decision that she needed to make on her own. She informed me that she had no intentions of stopping her communications with him. She “loved” him, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to stay married anymore. She had been unhappy in our marriage for the last 3 years even before we bought our house. She didn’t know if she loved me anymore. She wanted to “take it one day at a time”. I thought that was a crock of shit. Here she was the one who cheated on me and now she thinks that she’s the one that gets to call the fucking shots? She’s lucky I didn’t kick her ass out on the streets (this is my thinking at the time this was happening not my feelings now).

                She didn’t know if she still wanted to be married to me, if she loved me or not, but she still wanted me to take her out duck hunting every weekend. She still wanted to go shopping with me every payday. She was still communicating with him but not as much.

                Then the following Sun. I was home alone as she was at work. When I got out of bed after another sleepless night I was sitting at the computer and her iPad dings. It made the sound for Facebook Messenger going off. Then it happened again. And again. I couldn’t see what was going on, but new that she was communicating with douchebag. I walked to the counter to look at it, but the password was changed. It went on for a few minutes. I finally texted her and told her that I couldn’t stand listening to the dings. Her response you ask? “Turn it off and you won’t need to hear it”. The fucking nerve! I just connected my phone to the sound bar and blasted my music. Started working on cleaning the house for a bit and went back to my sister’s house to clean her windows for her as a thank you for letting me stay there.

                That night when we were both at home, she wouldn’t answer my questions about what they were talking about. I looked at her phone and saw that she had erased all of the messages going back to Dec. 2019. This pissed me off. She had promised me that she would not erase any more messages and that she would let me look at the messages between them. What does she do? She fucking erased them! I was pissed and it started another argument that lasted quite a while. She kept giving me different excuses for why she erased the messages. I didn’t care what any of them were. They wouldn’t be good enough. They were all lies as far as I was concerned.

 

                So now I’m going to switch gears. This is tearing me apart reliving all of these memories. I’m going to try to just give a cliff notes version of the happenings from that point to now. I’m sure that some of the stuff that I am going to list here have been said already at some point. I’m not going to take the time to re-read what I wrote though so I’m sorry of it’s a repeat.

·         One Sunday I started reading her prayer journal. I was looking at the recent entries from Oct. 2020 to Nov. 2020. Almost every day she wrote to god praying for douchebag and his daughters. Thanking god for bringing douchebag into her life. I started reading more. In Sept. she was praying for god to let her out of the marriage. That was the first mention of me in her prayers since Nov. 2019. That’s the point when she reconnected with him and the messages started. In the beginning of Nov. 2019, she was praying for both of us to continue doing good and to not lose our house when she was having issues at work. Then in April 2020 she started praying for douchebag every single entry.

·         After I discovered the messages on her phone, she completely stopped writing in her prayer journal. There were no entries after Oct. 24, 2020. She has started writing in it again though in last few weeks. I just haven’t looked anymore.

·         For pretty much the month of Nov. my new morning routine before work would be to look at her phone while she was in the bathroom getting ready for work reading all messages she would send to her friends and him. Then when I would get home from work, I would look at her iPad (I watched her enter her passcode and memorized it).

·         Summer told me that I was codependent and that was a reason that she wanted out. I was putting too much pressure on her. She wanted me to read Codependent no More. I started to read it.

·         I talked to a coworker that went through this in 2015 with his wife. They divorced because she wanted to be with his at the time best friend. I asked how I was supposed to get over this. We talked for a few hours and he suggested that I read “The Love Dare”. I went home and bought it from Amazon.

·         Summer saw me ordering the book and took an attitude saying “You expect me to read another book?! No way! I’m done reading books about this.”

·         On one of my iPad readings, I saw that she messaged a friend about the book I had ordered. Apparently, she had told another friend about it. Her response to friend I was reading was to “let him humor himself”.

·         Another one of her whore friends told her good for you for cheating on your husband if he wasn’t meeting your sexual needs.

·         To this day I have never opened the book. I also said fuck it and stopped reading the codependent book. Summer on the other hand has read a bit of it, is re-reading The 5 Love Languages, and bought another book that I can’t remember the name of at this moment.

·         My weight dropped rapidly. In Oct. I weighed close to 300 pounds. I am now going between 258 and 262 since about a week prior to Christmas. That’s almost 50 pounds from Oct. 24 to roughly Dec. 18.

·         One of the reasons she gave for cheating was that he was more endowed than I am. She wanted someone that was bigger. So along with me taking Sildenofil (generic Viagra) she had me get a penis pump to see if it would do anything. We used it once and it now sits unused in the drawer.

·         One evening in Nov. she was washing dishes and I was sitting on the counter waiting for dished to dry. We were having a good conversation and out of the blue she says “I love you. Can I love you forever?” I instantly started crying and told her not to say that. It hurt too much. The evening went down from there.

·         In early Nov. I went to my aunt and uncles in Oregon with my parents and my sister. Driving up there was just like being a kid. It was just the 4 of us and 4 dogs packed tight in a minivan with clothes for a few days, dog box, Costco items since they don’t live close to a Costco, and hunting supplies. My dad, uncle and I went pheasant hunting at Tule Lake for opening day of the season. That night we were talking, and I started talking about what was going on with Summer and I. My mom told me to change the subject and talk about something else. It hurt and instead of vocalizing it I shut down and just went downstairs and isolated myself.

·         Before the trip Summer said that she would send me pictures and have conversation with me like she would with douchebag (sexting). It never happened. I did find out by looking at her iPad that she did message him and told him I was out of town though.

·         On the last night there after stewing over what my mom said for 2 days, I started to drink heavily. I had about 7-8 Not Your Father’s Root Beer, and just about emptied a pint of Fireball. I got really drunk. Started texting Summer about being upset about not following through with what she said she’d do and told her what my mom said. She said that I have her to talk to and that she cared. I was drunk and made some petty sar4castic comments. Then I got on Facebook and posted that I was told to change the subject. It felt like no one cares. I just didn’t say who said it. A few minutes later my friend from High School messaged me and we messaged each other till 1 in the morning when my stomach decided that it had enough. The next day a different aunt sent me a message telling me that I need to tell the person who said that to me exactly how I felt. I told her that I can’t because I had to share a vehicle home with her and that I might need to stay at her place again in the future. She figured out it was mom and said it would be better to not say it then.

·         During a bad day in Dec. on a Sunday while Summer was at work, I did a search for douchebag on the internet. I found out how old he was (53), where he lives and a phone number too. This was all on people finder or something like that. I found out that he lives just a few minutes from us in the same town.  We drive within a few blocks of his house every time we go shopping or out to dinner. This pissed me off. It broke the rules we had together back when we were both blogging heavily back in 2005-2006. We met people here that we ended up sexting in private messages. The rules were we both need to know who the other is doing things with, we had to share what we were doing and the most important rules were it can’t become personal and the person can’t be within easy distance to get to for it to get physical. This fucker was 10 minutes from us.

·         That night I confronted her about this. I asked how old he was she said same age as us. I said no he’s 53. She asked how I found out. She thought that I asked a coworker that may have known him. I just told her I had my ways. I also found out he lives on “X” road. She immediately said no he doesn’t.

Really? How would you know? 

She was silent for a while.

I said there’s only one way to know that isn’t there.

She said yes.

So you lied to me and you have been to his house.

Yes but only once. We just talked that was it. It was back in Nov. last year.

BULLSHIT! How can you remember the street name like that only being there once? You can’t remember what I say 5 minutes after I say it.

I then showed her on my phone how I found out and showed her a picture of his house. She didn’t say anything for a while. I then pressed the issue. She said that yes she went to his house to have sex with him, but he messaged her as she pulled up and told her to leave because baby momma was dropping kids off and would be there anytime. I didn’t believe her but dropped it.

·         One night in late Nov. early Dec. we were having a late-night conversation and we were talking about Mr. D and douchebag and her ex-boyfriend from when we met. She started to smile then stopped and smiled again. I asked what was so funny. She said she didn’t want to tell me because I would think there was another time she cheated on me.

o   Apparently “a long time ago so it don’t matter”, before she was sending douchebag pictures, when she had just started her massage business, he was a client. After she gave him a massage, she gave him a handjob. During the handjob he tried to reach his hand up her shirt. She swears that at that point she packed her stuff and left. To be honest with my readers I don’t believe her.

o   This was during the period of our lives that we were both blogging on here regularly, we were working through our issues with Mr. D and we were supposed to be in a good place. However, to this day I am not allowed to hug her, kiss her or touch her while I am on the massage table. She won’t even have sex with me after a massage because it cheapens the massage. But she’ll do that with him?! I mean what the FUCK! Back in the day she ripped a fellow blogger Desperate Husband because he got a happy ending after a massage.

·         The major turning point for both of us was Dec. 20. On that night I was drinking beers as usual. Summer had called in sick that day because our hot water heater broke and she couldn’t take a shower. We had a good day. We stayed in bed that morning and had some good adult type fun. That night as I was cooking dinner, Summer went to my parents’ house to drop off a shirt that she needed my mom to sew. While she was gone, I looked at her iPad. She had sent douchebag a message on Fri. saying that she hoped he was having a better week that her. I had thought we were having a good week together. She had actually messaged him a few times in the last 3 weeks, but he hadn’t responded to her at all. He had completely stopped communicating with her. It was about the time we found out oldest niece was pregnant. I then saw that she messaged another friend and said that I wasn’t being an adult when I posted on Facebook that she was cheating on me and that now her best friend from childhood wasn’t speaking to her.

o   I lost it at that point. I went to the safe and got my jar of weed and pipe. Went outside and started smoking. I had also just taken my antidepressant and started drinking vodka along with the beer. I was on the porch punching the shed. Crying. I took a few drinks straight from the vodka bottle and took a few more hits and it really started to hit me. I sent a group message to my mom and sister saying someone needed to come to my house and pick me up asap. I didn’t get a response in what I deemed to be a soon enough time, so I walked across the street to our neighbors and knocked on his door. I said that he needed to come to my house before Summer got home and something else that I won’t repeat. What I meant to say was that he needed to keep me from going to douchebags house. That’s not what happened. I then turned around and walked back to my house. When I got to my steps, I threw my beer at the deck sat on the steps and started crying. I then sent another text message this to my mom, sister, and Summer saying if I’m not at home I’m going to be at a certain address (douchebags). I also sent Summer a picture message of both FB Messenger messages I found. A minute or two later Summer arrived at home. Neighbor walked over and started to “ignore” us by working on our water heater.

o   Summer asked me what was wrong? Why was I crying on the porch? I told her to look at her messages. She looked and saw what I sent. At that time my parents arrived, and Summer ran into the house and into our bedroom. My dad stayed out on the side of the house with my neighbor “working on the water heater” and my mom came up to talk to me. I’m just talking to neighbor telling him I’m not going to do anything. I’m not stupid. That’s not what I meant to say. He just kept repeating I’m here to look at water heater.

o   Mom and I talked, and I tell her about what she said in Oregon. She said what do you expect you always get mad at me when we try to talk about it. Which I found odd since I never talked to her about it since the day I stayed there after being at my sisters. She told me that if it comes to it she would give me the money to buy Summer out of the house so I don’t have to sell it.

o   Neighbor leaves and dad comes up on deck and asks if I’m going to their place. I said yes but I needed to talk to Summer first. I go into the bedroom and talk to her a little loud so my parents could hear. I wasn’t yelling I just wanted them to know that I wasn’t going to do anything stupid. I kept asking her what were the rules? What did we discuss? She would say she’s not answering when my parents can hear. I said I don’t care. The rules were that you could fuck whoever you wanted as long as you let me know. I could do the same. You can continue to sext him just let me know and don’t hide it. Sex with other people on either her part or mine needed to be physical only nothing emotional.

o   My parents called and said we need to go. I grabbed my pillow and the dog’s bed, and my water jug. We stayed in the kitchen for a minute to talk. I didn’t realize that my jar of weed was on the counter and my pipe was still in my hand. My dad said what’s that? I said my little bit of weed (I bought the jar in Weed Ca. on our way home from Oregon). At that point the cat was out of the bag so I grabbed it to as we walked out the door.

o   On the way to their house I was babbling about don’t worry about me losing my job. My boss knows he’s the one that told me to smoke to try and get some sleep. I also dropped my commercial license when I got the last promotion. Mom didn’t have much to say. Dad asked if it was good stuff. I told him I only buy the best. Luckily, I wasn’t so gone that I outed my sister and sister-in-law.

o   At their house I ate a few bites of food, went to the backyard and smoked a little more. Went to the bedroom and locked myself in there. I got out of bed to let my dads’ dog in and my jar of weed fell out of my pocket and landed on the tile floor. It broke on the inside and around the seal.

o   The next morning Summer started texting me around 6:30. She called in sick to work the night before. Apparently, I texted my boss the night before and took the day off too. We texted until about 8:30 and then it went dark on her end. About 30 minutes later she rang the doorbell. My mom let her in and she came to the room I was in. She closed the door and got in bed with me. We talked and she was crying and showed me that she had blocked douchebag from contacting her. She wanted nothing to do with him anymore. We talked more and cried together. She talked to me and responded to what I said without going silent for long periods. She then pulled my wedding ring out of her pocket and asked me to put it back on. She put her ring on as well. We both hadn’t worn them since I left for my sisters. Around 11:00 we left for home and spent the day in bed just holding each other not talking much.

·         That was a big turning point for us. Since then we have gotten along better. We still have little spats when I start “flooding” with emotions and memories come into my head. I have not had a drink or smoked since then. And I have almost 3 cases of beer and vodka and fireball in the shed. Not because I think I have a drinking problem, but because I don’t think I should be drinking until we get this worked out. I tend to flood when I drink especially when I drink alone.

·         The day after Christmas was a hard day for me. After we went hunting with my dad we came home and showered together. Then we went into bed for more adult fun. Afterwards we started talking again. That’s the day that I found out that she did go to his house more than once. She went there to have sex with him, but he couldn’t get hard enough. She sucked him, made out with him, he played with her tits and pussy, then she straddled him and grinded on him but according to her he never got hard enough to penetrate her.

o   I didn’t fully believe that and still don’t. I still think that he has been to our house no matter how much she swears he hasn’t.

·         I wrote about what happened the next day with my vigorous cleaning of the house.

·         I was on a planned vacation for the week between Christmas and New Year. On a day I was at home and Summer was at work I stumbled across a Youtube channel. I had searched for “how to recover from an affair”. A lot of videos came up. Most were too religious for me though. Then I found Affair Recovery. I watched several of the videos before Summer got home while I was folding laundry. When she came home, I showed her some of the videos.

·         From that point we started watching 1 or 2 videos a night. Then when we both had COVID we researched their website to see what programs they offer. They have a free 7-day bootcamp, an online course that meets once a week for 13 weeks and keeps you in touch with the small group of couple in your weekly meeting for a year afterwards, and they have an intensive weekend retreat. We decided that we would do the free bootcamp but needed to wait until duck season was over so we could devote our time to it.

o   We started the program on Feb. 12. Unfortunately, between both of us having commutes of 1 hour for me and 2 hours for her, we don’t have a lot of time to work on it after work and dinner. We are still working on day 3.

·         Not an awful lot happened in Jan. that I haven’t already talked about. We both caught that fucking Rona virus and were home for 2 weeks. After we got better, we started hunting again and even took the trailer out a few times to hunt multiple days in a row. The hunting was bad. It was way too warm for Jan. it was in the 60’s in afternoon and no clouds.

·         A notable incident from Late Dec. or early Jan. (can’t remember which) I wet to my sisters to pick up our trailer from their house. We had lent it to them so nieces BF can have it to isolate in due to exposure. His family told him he needed to sleep in the garage during quarantine period even though the lease is in his name. They also told him that he needed to run their errands for him in the daytime even though he was supposed to isolate and not be in public.

Anyways, while there to get the trailer we talked about the incident at my parents’ house before Christmas with them picking me up to take me there. I told them (Sister, S-i-L and oldest niece) about my parents seeing the weed and pipe. Then my dad asking on the way his house if it was good stuff. My sister was shocked. Niece thought it was hilarious. Apparently, my sister said she new that my parents found out because mom texted her on the drive and said she don’t care if I started smoking again. Whatever it takes for me to get through this. I was shocked.

We also talked about how funny it would have been if when my jar broke if a bud got lost under my moms’ bed and it was found later.

o   My sister and I have wondered since then if my dad smokes or not since he asked if it was the good stuff. Neither of us have gotten up the nerve to ask though. How adult of us right? I’m 47, she turns 45 in 2 weeks.

 

For now that is all I can think of for the cliff notes version of events. I’m sure that I am missing things. It is now March 1^st. I started this post on Feb. 19th. It was hard to write. But it is nowhere as hard as the next post is going to be. We had a major setback on Fri. night and I’m now in a place where I don’t think I can recover from it.

I’m scared. VERY scared. This time it’s me scaring myself. He thoughts are back and worse than ever. The body pains are worse. I’ve been in my office since 6:30 this morning and it is now 1:20. I’ve been shaking most of the day and doing my best to not cry at work. My door has been closed all day so I don’t get walked in on. That happened the day I started writing this. I don’t want it to happen again. I’m struggling. I lost 7 pounds in one night. Fri. morning, I weighed 261 with no clothes on. Sun. morning, I weighed 254 with clothes on.

I gotta end this.

Blame

            So yesterdays post was a bit much. I was really in a bad place yesterday. While typing the post I was in my office and had to close the door because I ended up crying off and on for almost 2 hours. There’s more going on than just the issues with Summer. Back when I was on my week away and talking to my friend from high school, I had made plans to visit her after duck season closed. Well duck season closed 2 weeks ago, and I was supposed to leave on Mon. morning to visit her and come home next Sat.

                Well thanks to fucking RONA the trip is canceled. Her boyfriend recently had lung surgery so they are taking extra precautions until they can both receive the vaccine. I get it. I truly do. It just tears me apart. I had been looking forward to this trip since I first found out about the cheating. Now it’s been taken away from me. Along with my trust in my wife and my self-respect. It’s been ripped away.

                I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. Yes, Summer and I have a trip planned to go to Flagstaff next month for our anniversary, but it’s a last-minute rushed trip. We drive 14+ hours down there on Fri. Attempt to go to the Grand Canyon on Sat. Spend Sun. just walking around Flagstaff, then another 14+ hour drive home on Mon. so we both can be at work on Tue.  If anyone knows of something to do in Flagstaff during these stupid RONA times, please leave a comment.

                Then there’s the big family trip we have planned in Sept. My parents, sister and her wife, some of my mom’s brothers and their wives, and some relatives from Pa. and Nv. Are all going to Oahu for 7 days. I’m just afraid to look forward to that trip because just like Summer it will break my heart and try to destroy me more.

               

                So back to yesterday. After work I had my group therapy session (I’m in a relationship crisis group every Wed. for 90 minutes), where I was told by a few people that I am trying to take on to much, am being to hard on myself and I need to stop blaming myself for Summer screwing Mr. D, and fucking douchebag. I have explained to them why I take full responsibility for Summer cheating on me in 2005. If you have read this blog all the way to the beginning, you too know why I take full responsibility for her cheating on me.

                It was explained to me by a woman whose husband has the same issues with anger that I did back in the beginning, that it would be my responsibility if Summer left me and divorced me back in 2005. But she didn’t. Instead she got into another mans bed. That is on her not me. She made the poor decision to cheat when she could have left. The lady in the group said that I am taking on way too much responsibility for Summer’s actions and decisions.

                A guy in the group said the same thing. It is admirable that I have taken responsibility for my actions and have taken the steps to correct them and to not go back to that way of acting even in the darkest times, but I need to stop blaming myself for what she does. He said that I need to start learning how to forgive myself and let myself feel the emotions and acknowledge that it is perfectly acceptable to feel this way. He said that it is OK for a man to cry. I have a hard time with that though. Every time I start I get mad at myself and try to force myself to stop because I feel weak and out of control. I feel that I need to be strong and in control all the time.

                It was recommended that I read a book called Self Compassion.  I bought the book and the companion workbook today on Amazon.

                The leader of the group suggested that I try to focus on letting myself feel the feelings I am having and stop blaming myself for other people’s actions. That’s the hard part. I feel like everything that is happening to me now is because decisions that I made a long time ago. Or actions that I took. I’m not talking about just in the time I have been married either. I’m talking things that I did when I was a kid like about 10 or 11.

                I held it in for years that it was my fault in 2004 or so when my sister was arrested. I blamed myself because I thought that I was the first person to give her crank (meth). It wasn’t until a camping trip back in Aug. that I found out she had done it before me, and she thought that even if I did give it to her the first time as a teenager, it wouldn’t be my fault she was arrested as an adult. It was her decision to keep using crank and to move on to even worse drugs when she was finally arrested.

                I blamed myself for my parents not getting a divorce when I was 13 because I told my mom that if they got a divorce, they would never see me again. I just have so much guilt from things that happened as a kid. The truly fucked up thing is that these things were not an issue for me until I found out about this affair. Or who knows? They have been an issue all these years but were not at the forefront. They were just buried down deep.

                What I am learning in my research on affairs is that the trauma felt by the betrayed person releases buried traumas from childhood and brings them to the surface. Well I’m finding that to really being the case here. A lot of it goes back to a post I wrote many years ago about my sister and I being molested by my cousin. I don’t remember how to link older posts into new post or I would do that in this case. Let’s give this a try: deeper insight into me and also here: Part II lastly here: lastly 

              

 

So that is where I am right now. Or more correctly last week. I wrote the above last Thu. but wasn’t ready to post. I had more to add and now I don’t remember where I was going with it. I’ll just end it there and post it as is. Hopefully soon I’ll get back to what happened when I came home back in Oct.

Troubles in my head

                I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just so fucking confused. I love my wife so fucking much. I can’t image living without her. She means everything to me. But I’m so fucking torn right now. As much as I love her and want to be with her, I just don’t know how to do that anymore. Is love enough to keep us together? I can handle her fucking someone else. I just can’t handle the fucking lies!! The betrayal is what hurts the most. When I begin to think that I can’t live with the lies and betrayal anymore that just makes it worse.  I start to get mad at myself for thinking that way. How can I think about not being with the person that I love the most? That I dedicated my life to for 27 years. I just get mad at myself for having these thoughts and they are destroying me inside right now.

                I love her and I hate her at the same time. I hate what she did to me. I hate that she did it without even thinking about me and how I feel. I hate the way that all she says is I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I hate that she always says the same lame fucking answer when I ask her why she did it or how could she do it. It’s always “I don’t know”. How the FUCK can you do this for a fucking year and not know why?! I hate it when she says “I love you so much. You’re my sexy husband”. Or “You mean so much to me” or “I’m so lucky to have a loving husband like you”. Jesus all I want to do is come back with a sarcastic remark. I want to yell at her. I want to scream at her. I want to throw things and hit walls.

                But I can’t do any of that. I promised myself before I started this blog so long ago that I would never yell, scream or lose my temper with her again. Through all of this I have kept that promise to myself. Besides what fucking good is it going to be to yell and scream and make sarcastic remarks or act like fucking crazy deranged person. Even though that’s exactly what I am on the inside. I’m fucking destroying myself from the inside.

                I just can’t think straight anymore. When we are apart due to work, I have all the feelings that I can’t be with her anymore. Then when I get home and she is there I just want to be with her and hold her and never let go. When I do get home from work instead of watching TV like I used to, I listen to music at high volume to try and drown out the voices in my head. Most of the time it doesn’t work though.

                I start thinking that maybe she was right back in Oct. that we need to do a separation to see what we want to do. I need to figure out what I am supposed to do here. But I don’t want to leave my house. I already left once for a week. I’m not leaving again. I’m not going to leave and try to figure out how to pay for a place to stay while this gets figured out and still be responsible for paying for the bills at the house.

Then when I start thinking that I get mad at myself again. How can I possibly want to be away from the woman I love? How can we work on our marriage and make things right if we are apart? Then again how can I believe anything that she says to me? How can I possibly believe that she loves me at all? How can I trust the change of heart that she had from Oct. to Dec.?

How can I believe her when she tells me that I meet all her needs in bed? That’s not what she told him. She told him I don’t last long enough and can’t satisfy her. Now she says that she’s sorry for that and that she didn’t mean it. She was upset and venting. Now suddenly, I’ve always been good enough for her. If I was good enough then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS TO US?!?! HOW COULD YOU JEOPRDIZE OUR MARRIAGE AND TELL ME YOU DON’T KNOW WHY?!!! I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!

I just hurt so much. I’m a fucking wreck. Nothing I do helps the pain go away. My stomach hurts, my back hurts. That’s on a good day. On the bad days my whole fucking body aches and I force myself to go about my day like nothing is wrong. I still can’t sleep at night. I’m still not eating normally. Although it seems the weight loss has come to an end.

 I can’t stand the way I feel about myself. I hate the way I feel about her. I hate that I love her. I hate myself for wanting to be with her. I hate myself more for not wanting to be with her and felling anger and hatred towards her.

I want to get drunk again, but I know better. I have been 100% sober since Dec. 20^th. That was not a good night. I haven’t related that story yet, so I won’t let out the details yet. Just know that it wasn’t pretty. 

You know 2 weeks ago we were doing good. We still are. There’s no arguing or anything like that. I wasn’t having these fucking thoughts entering my head and I was in a decent place. Then duck season ended, and everything went to shit (in my head not our marriage). Now I have extra time. I’m home alone on Sundays while she is at work. That’s when my mind really takes over. I can’t be alone with myself. But I can’t figure out what I should be doing if I’m not alone. This Sun. is going to be really bad because she is working OT and won’t be home till almost 8:30 at night. I’m not looking forward to it.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I just don’t fucking know anymore. Someone PLEASE tell me what am I supposed to do?

My week away part 2

    So when I last was telling you about my time away from Summer and our home, I was fighting visions of Summer and douche bag having sex on my bed. I had what I needed and went to my parents house. As I was driving to get there I could feel and anxiety attack coming on. My heart was racing, everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I felt like everything was caving in around me.

    I got to my parents house and really didn't say that much to them. I through my stuff and my dogs stuff in my moms bedroom (my parents sleep in separate rooms for at least 15 -16 years). Went to the garage and loaded my fishing stuff, beer and vodka into my dads van. I wasn't playing around. When I walked back in the house my mom asked me if I had eaten anything yet for breakfast. I lied and told her I had a granola bar. Apparently Mother Hen called her when she woke up for school and saw that I was gone. She told my mom to make sure that I was eating. 

    I really love my niece. She was looking out for me and still does.

    Once everything was loaded up in my dads van we drove off to the marina where his boat was when he bought it. We got everything loaded into the boat and got it ready to travel. The move took us a little over 3.5 hours. My dad had me drive all way to the new marina in Antioch while he walked around the boat and cleaned windows, and organized things. When we got to within .5 mile of the marina we stopped and started fishing for a bit. While we were fishing and I was no longer operating the boat, that's when I started drinking beer and vanilla vodka with Cherry Pepsi. I was just screwing around on facebook posting pictures. Not really talking much. That's the thing with my dad and I. We don;t really talk much when we spend time together fishing or hunting. We just sat out there with the dogs fishing and I was trying to drink enough to keep my mind off of what was happening.

    We only fished for about 2 hours because we had to get to the marina and pay for the slip and meet my mom there to give us a ride back to my dads van. We got the boat taken care of and met my mom. We talked a little bit on the way back back I don't remember what was said really. I was still drinking my Pepsi vodka mix since it was in a Pepsi bottle and I was a passenger.

    After we dropped my dad off at his van, I rode with my mom back to their house. We talked a bit on the way. I told her that I had contacted a lawyer while I was at my sisters house. I then told her that I made a mistake in my deep state of depression while I was at my sisters. I told her that I contacted my life insurance company and removed Summer from my primary beneficiary. I added our oldest son at 50% and each of our nieces at 25%.

    Back at the house I helped with dinner and the dishes. Kept drinking beer and then sat with them in the living room. They were watching Jeopardy. I was just looking at my tablet. Seeing if Summer was online or not on Facebook. Suddenly I saw a notification that caught my eye. A friend from High school had saw a picture that I posted earlier and said "Hey!" Seeing that made me get excited. She was a very close friend in high school. We never dated, but until I met Summer she was the person that I wanted to be with.

    She asked me how things were, how's Summer and the kids. She obviously hadn't seen any of the posts that i had posted recently. I replied to her on the post that things weren't good. he then message me in FB Messenger. This was at about 7:30 that evening. We ended up talking to each other till 2:30 in the morning. I told her everything that was going on. Actually I told her a little to fast and she couldn't keep up with the reading I was ending messages so fast. She ended up telling me to stop typing and just let her ask questions. The amazing thing was that she could read and understand my drunk typing. But she was well into a bottle of wine at the time so that may have helped. I ended up telling her everything. About all the times Summer cheated on me. About us having virtual sex with other people in the past. About us have another man in our bed.

    She told me about her marriage and her divorce. How her husband cheated on her and she cheated on her husband. How they tried to bring other people into their bedroom to help the marriage and it only made it worse. 

    I told her I can't even watch an adult video online because I feel like i am cheating on Summer. hat just the act of talking with her that night made me feel like i was cheating on Summer and I felt guilty. We weren't doing anything wrong, but I still felt like I was betraying Summer in some way. I told her this and she said that don't make sense. It's like we are going to do anything. We were talking and catching up on the last 20 years.

    Taking a quick trip back a few hours, my dads dog was all over me the entire time that I was there. When I left the living room to go the bedroom to talk to my friend he started whining. Whenever I would leave the room to get another beer he would try to follow me back but my dad kept him in the living room. At some point my parents went to bed and my dads dog kept scratching at the door. So he let him out of his bedroom and he came to my moms room where I was and started whining at the door. I let him in and he laid with me all night. This is unusual only because my dog really didn't like him laying with me when she was trying to sleep. But that night it didn't bother her. They started out on either side of me both pressed up as close as they could get while I was typing away with my friend. Then once I turned out the light and attempted to sleep, my dog got on the other side and pressed half her body against me and they other half against my dads dog.

    The next morning when I decided to walk into the living room around 6:30, both dogs went to the bathroom and then my dads dog decided that he was going to take over my dogs bed. It was a bit too small for him.

    I talked to my mom about the friend that I was up talking to all night and she was trying to remember her. Then I started asking about one of their friends to see if they knew a certain couple and they did. Apparently my dad plays golf with my friends step dads brother-in-law. That's important because she was coming up for Thanksgiving and was going to be 3 blocks from my parents house. We had planned to meet up on thanksgiving Day so I could meet her new boyfriend and see her mom and talk.

    I texted Summer around 10:30 or so to tell her I was coming home that day. It was Fri. and her day off. She said fine just stay out of her way. That's the welcome home I was hoping for. I got a razor from my mom so I could shave, take a shower and go home. My mom then asked why I shaved. AI said in part 1, I had a full beard up to a few days prior and my goatee went to my chest. I told her I don't know why. I went to cut my hair and next thing I know I was cutting off everything. The truth is, I did it because I hate the way I look without facial hair. I hated the way I felt and wanted my outside to match what I was feeling on the inside. 

    That was back in October. It is now Feb. and I still shave every 3-4 days. Everything from my head to my face. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did back then, but there are times that I still feel like shit. Last night for instance. I was reading something about rebuilding trust and I was fighting the urge to cry and was telling Summer that nothing was wrong.

    So right about the time I was getting ready to leave my dad calls and tells me not to leave yet. He had a golf buddy that was giving away a leather recliner. As I had been wanting a recliner for quite awhile I was very interested in getting it. So I hung around and waited for him to finish his round of golf and we went to his friends house and got the recliner.

    After we had the recliner loaded in my truck I thanked his friend and left. I went back to my parents house to finish getting my stuff and I drove home. The entire drive home I was shaking. My stomach was all knotted up. My palms were sweaty. I was scared. I was mad. I was afraid of what I would be coming home to.

    I got home, grabbed my stuff from the truck (all I had was a duffle bag and the dogs bed) and walked in the door...………….

When will it end?

 I just want this to end. The constant voices in my head. The depression. The new physical symptoms that seem to appear out of nowhere. The constant need to know every tiny detail. The way that every time I find out the details that I ask for the way it makes me feel for the next 2 days.  I'm tired of feeling weak.

I'm on vacation this week and I'm still not sleeping good. It's been 2 months since I found out. On my first day of vacation being home alone while Summer was at work, I was in bed until 930 in morning.  I didn't sleep the whole time though.  I just laid there not wanting to get out of bed.

I just want this to end.

My week away Part 1

                Where did I leave off last post about how Summer has been cheating on me? AGAIN.............. Oh yeah, I had just left the house to go stay with my sister for a few days. As I was driving to Sacramento, I called my dad. He had wanted me to help him move his boat that he recently bought from one dock in Isleton to a new dock in Antioch. It’s a bigger boat than either of us have ever driven and he didn’t want to maneuver it alone in the slip. Anyways, that is getting off track and away from the point.

                Si I called him to see when he wanted to move the boat and to tell him I was going to be at my sisters for a few days. While I am talking to him, I started to break down. He asked what was wrong and I told him that everything was falling apart, and I needed to be away. The more I talked to more I broke down. He asked me to stop by his place first. I really didn’t want to but after he asked again, I agreed. I turned around and went to my parents’ house. Once there I told them what was going on. I told them that I wasn’t willing to “share” Summer.

                They asked what I meant because apparently, they thought I meant something completely different. They thought it was a swinger type of sharing. While thought is there, it’s not something I think I could do. I did NOT tell them that she cheated on me more than once. Anyways I talked with them for a short time and left again to go to my sisters.

                Oh, I forgot that during the day before I left the house, I called my therapist and left an urgent message for her to call me back. She called and I told her what was going on and she suggested that I remove myself from the situation for a while, and that she would call me in 2 days to talk more. I asked her to get me in to see the psychiatrist to talk about meds since the one I had before I got off the meds had retired. She suggested that I email my personal physician to get on the meds faster. This was all in morning around 9 or so. I left my parents around 330.

After leaving my parents to head to Sac, I called Kaiser to talk to the advice nurse. I explained what was going on and again broke down while talking to her. I looked down at my hand and saw my wedding ring wasn’t there. I haven’t worn it since Oct. 26 and it still kills me to not see it there. When I drive or am nervous, I would always play with it. It would calm me down or help keep me awake while driving. Now it was gone. I still to this day go to spin it or take it off and rotate it before putting it back on.

Off track again. She was asking if I was OK and if I was in a safe place. I told her I was driving to my sister’s house so I could be in a better place. I told her that I had emailed my Dr. and that he hadn’t gotten back to me, and that I needed to get back on the meds ASAP. She said that she was going to put in a referral to the on-call Dr. because it would be faster than waiting for my Dr. to respond to an email.

About 15 minutes after I hung up with the advice nurse the Dr. called me. He put in a prescription to have me back on one of the anti-depressants and the sleeping pills. Once I got off the phone with him, I called my sister and told her I was almost there. I wanted to know if my nieces (17 and 13) new why I was going to be staying with them. She said that my younger niece new why because she heard me when I arrived in the middle of the night on Sun. Our older niece was just told that I was needing some time away since she wasn’t home when I was there on Sun.

I felt bad. I didn’t want my younger niece to know what was going on. Summer, niece and I were always close since we first met. We would take her camping and she would come stay with us before Christmas to make cookies or just to spend time with us. I feel like both of our nieces are more like daughters to me, but there seems to be more of a connection with our youngest niece. I’m always sending her text messages with dad jokes since we have the same sense of humor.

After my sister got off work, we went to Kaiser to pick up my meds and went to Home depot to get some stuff for her house. Since I was going to be there for a few days she wanted me to help her out in the garage. They just moved into the house in July and still hadn’t gotten the garage set up. I called Summer to let her know how much money I spent at Kaiser so she could put it in checkbook other wise we would end up going negative.

That night was pretty uneventful. They ordered pizza for dinner. I really didn’t feel like eating anything. I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch. I just had no appetite. My stomach was growling like it was hungry, but if I was feeling hungry and stomach was hurting then I wouldn’t feel the pain of being away from Summer and she had done. Youngest niece however wouldn’t have it. She made sure that I ate at least 1 piece of pizza.

She was like that the entire week I was there. She is home schooled so she was there the whole time. Every time it was time for a meal, she would make sure that I at least had a few bites of food. She wouldn’t let up until I took a few bites. Then when the meal was done, and I would try to help her with the dishes she would get mad and start pushing me out of the kitchen. Telling me to go sit on the couch. I was a guest in the house it was not my place to help with dishes. I would tell her that I was a guest in their house, staying there for a few days and I couldn’t just sit there while there were dishes to be done. She just didn’t understand that I had been sitting on the couch all day. I needed to be up doing something. I ended up sitting down though to make her happy.

On Tue. my therapist called me to check in and see how I was doing. She was able to get me an appointment with her in 2 weeks for full 1-hour phone call instead of just a short check in call. When I got off the phone with her, I called my employee group legal services plan to speak to a lawyer. They took my info and said that a lawyer would call me within the hour. I then called my life insurance company to change beneficiaries. After seeing Summer say that she wanted me dead so she could collect the life insurance there was no way I was going to keep her as the beneficiary. So the new beneficiaries are our oldest son at 50% and our nieces at 25% each. There is a reason that I did not include our youngest son as beneficiary, but I’m not going to go into detail about that right now. I’ll go into that detail once I feel that this crisis is over. One crisis at a time.

A lawyer called me and gave me options. Something I forgot to say about the night I found out was that I kept telling Summer that she will get everything she wants. She wants to be with someone else and she’s getting it. She decides she don’t want to be with me, and she will get it. It takes two people to enter a marriage but only one person to end it. Pretty fucked up. The courts will automatically give her a large portion of my paychecks for the rest of her life since we have been married for more than 10 years. She will also get 50% of my retirement. She fucking wins and gets everything she wants while I get screwed. She’s the one who cheated on me for a fucking year and she gets rewarded for it! She told me several times that night that she didn’t want my retirement.

When I talked to the lawyer, he told me that I needed to act fast and file for a divorce immediately. Especially while she was “feeling guilty” and was saying she didn’t want anything to do with my retirement. He then emailed me a checklist of what I needed to do for filing for a divorce and how to prepare.

It wasn’t anything that I really wanted to hear. I still don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to file for a divorce. I want to stay married because I love her. I just can’t keep letting her cheat on me. Because she has cheated on me again, it shows that I don’t matter as much to her as she does to me. It also shows me that as much as her sexting someone else when I am being told what is going on turns me on, I don’t think that is going to be an option anymore. She takes it too far. She creates an emotional connection and tells things that she shouldn’t.

Back to the story. Tue. was uneventful. I sat on the couch all day. Watched a little Netflix (Bill Burr, Bert Kreischer) to try and cheer me up but it did no good. Watched my sister play Red Dead Redemption 2 on the PlayStation and gave her some pointers. Once my sister finished work for the day we went to the garage and put some shelves together and got it semi organized. After that I just went into the den and sat in the dark for awhile and started crying. After I couldn’t take that anymore I took my dog out for a walk. We walked about a mile at a fast pace. I don’t know where we went. I just walked. I got back in the house and sat back on the couch in the den for little bit more before I felt comfortable enough to go back to the living room with the rest of the family. We then played with her Oculus VR gaming system. I SSSOOOOOO want one of those. Although my sister, her wife and youngest niece were upset that the walk the plank game didn’t affect me. I’m scared of heights, but the game didn’t scare me.

Wed. afternoon our dad came up to help me put the dryer up on a pedestal. We talked for a little bit. He asked me to go to his place the next day in the morning so we could go fishing and move his boat. The other thing that happened while he was there is unimportant to the story of Summer and I, but it is funny in the end so I’m going to tell it.

My dad recently got a new phone and he was trying to connect their nest doorbell to it. My sister connected it to the phone and for some reason she was showing him different features that can be done. She connected her doorbell to his phone. She forgot to disconnect it though before he left.

Later that night oldest niece came home from being out with her boyfriend and she had said that earlier in the day she fell and hit her head. Her speech was slurring, and she was feeling dizzy. Sister, her wife and niece went to bedroom to discuss the issue. A few minutes later I was called in and niece was excused to living room. They said they needed another adults input. Sister’s wife wanted to just take her to the ER. Sister said that they should call 911 and have her taken to hospital in ambulance. She would get seen a lot faster and they had already spent their out of pocket limit so it wouldn’t cost them anything. They wanted my opinion.

I told them if it was me, I would call 911. Especially if it would get my child seen faster. You don’t want to mess around with head injuries. They called oldest niece in and we explained to her why we were calling the ambulance and not to panic. She agreed and went to tell her boyfriend. We then had to tell youngest niece (we’ll call he mother hen from now on) so that she would not panic.

By this time, it was 1030. Sister-in-law called 911 and they sent an ambulance. In the meantime, boyfriend and oldest were going in and out of house setting off the ring. Then fire truck arrived set off the ring again as they were going in and out. Then ambulance arrives and they bring the gurney in. This is setting off the ring on my sister and S-I-L phone like crazy. Then after a bit they take oldest niece out of the house on the gurney and the house is quiet. It’s just sister, Mother Hen and I in the house. Sister starts to mop the entire house because S-I-L is a germaphobe.  Then around 1130 I receive a text form my dad asking if oldest niece is OK what’s going on?   

I asked my sister how he knew something was going on? Did niece put something on FB? My sister looked at her phone and saw that dad had been texting her from the first time a response person entered the house. Apparently, he was thinking that something had happened with me. So, sister called him and asked how he found out what was going on and he said that he saw everything on his phone through the ring app. He thought it was his ring going off. It was going off so frequently that my parents’ dogs were going crazy. She explained what was going on and then took him off her ring camera. S-I-L and niece came home around 1:30/2:00 and she was fine. The whole time Mother Hen, sister and I were sitting around waiting Mother Hen kept laughing saying that the ring told on us.

I think that was a pretty funny story. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. It could be that you just had to be there.

The reason that my dad thought something was going on with me was because when he was there earlier in the day, I had talked to him about something that I had been concerned about. I had been having so many panic/anxiety attacks that I was losing track. I would be laying down on the couch in the middle of the night and my heart would feel like I had just run a mile. I would use the Samsung Health app on my phone and check my heart rate and it would be in anywhere between the 160’s to the low 200’s. That is laying down for over an hour doing nothing. I did pretty much nothing the entire time I was there. It would last like that for hours at a time. I would feel like the room around me was getting bigger and I was shrinking to the size of an ant. My heart was pounding out of chest. The ticking of the clock was extremely loud. The room was spinning. I couldn’t move. It felt like I was being held down and my limbs were bound tight to my body. I couldn’t move my head. Only my eyes could move. There wasn’t a headache, but I could feel throbbing in my head. My dog was laying between my legs, but I couldn’t move her or open my mouth.

I can remember having feelings like this since I was a little kid. I can still remember the first time I can remember feeling this. I was about 4 years old, and my grandma was spending the night. She was sleeping in my room, so I had to sleep on the couch in the living room. I woke up in the middle of the night and had the same feeling. I was scared and wanted to call for my mom, but I couldn’t open my mouth to call for her. I was afraid of the dark as a child and there was no way that I would walk through the house in the dark to get here even if I could move. The only difference between the feeling as a child and this time was that it has never happened for as long as it did this time. It never happened in the daytime. It was always at night. Since Oct. 24 it happens any time of the day. Sometimes I won’t even be thinking about the issues in my marriage and it would start. It used to never happen more than a few times a year. Now it happens multiple times a day sometimes for an entire week.  Even now after almost 2 months of knowing it is still happening. Not as often, the feelings don’t last as long, and are not as strong as they were the first few weeks of knowing, but they still happen.

Back to the story. We all went to bed as soon as S-I-L and niece got home. By 6:00 the next morning I was awake and loading my truck to head to my parent’s house to spend Thu. night there and move my dad’s boat. On the way I stopped at our house since Summer was not home so I could drop off the dirty clothes and pick up my fishing license, fishing pole and tackle box. When I walked into the house, I saw that there was a fucking bouquet of flowers on the table. I wanted to know who they were from but didn’t want to talk to Summer either.  My mind raced. I thought that fucking douchebag knew that I was gone and came to the house to fuck my wife and brought her flowers. I kept picturing Summer and him in MY bed. I couldn’t get out of the house soon enough.

That’s all for this post. I started this on Tue., and it is now Thu. I will go over what happened at my parent’s house in the next post along with going back home on Fri. Till next time.

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Having a hard time

                So, I’m not sure how I am going to proceed this time around. I know that how I did it when I started to first write on this page many years ago, was to start in the beginning as each post was about how things progressed. Then I got to current events. I’m just not sure if I will be able to do that this time. I’m thinking that what I might need to do is go back and forth. Otherwise I’m never going to be able to proceed. I’ve been trying for 5 days to get my next post created and I am just having a hard time writing it. Every time I try to write it, I turn into a blubbering fucking mess. I can’t type more than a line or two and I just can’t proceed anymore. I am trying to go into detail about what happened the night I found out that Summer was cheating on me for a year.

                So, as it stands now, I found out on Oct. 24. It is now Dec. 7. Summer has not contact Douchebag since Nov. 23. Douchebag has not even read any of the last 3 messages that Summer sent him.  At least they haven’t communicated via FB Messenger. I have no clue if they have called each other on the phone or have used text messages to communicate now instead of using Messenger. She has already admitted that she used to delete his phone calls and messages so there really is no way of knowing at this point. I n one of her messages to him in right after I found out she told him to start using a different app (Kik) for messaging each other. Although she swears that they have not used the app to communicate, it now shows on her iPad as a frequently used app.

                I just don’t know what to believe anymore. When I first found out about it, she told me that she didn’t love me anymore and she was just waiting for the time to leave. Then when I was out of the house for a few days staying at my sisters, she told me she loved me on the phone. I asked her why she said that, and she said it was out of habit, not because she meant it. She said that she wanted to leave and wasn’t going to change her mind. She didn’t think there was anything left to work on.

                Now fast forward a little bit to within the last week or so and she has done a 180. She now says that she loves me and that she means it. She says that she wants to work on our marriage, and she believes there is something to save. Oddly enough though is that she started saying these things AFTER Douchebag stopped reading and replying to her messages.

                She says that she wants to work on it, and she wants me to trust her again. But when I ask her questions about why she did it, what is she getting out of the relationship with him, I get silence or “I don’t know”. I ask her why she wants to work on it and her reply is because I love her, and I want to work on this. She doesn’t say because she loves me, or because she believes there is something worth saving. Although I guess she has heard me react to that enough that she says she wants to work on it because she believes that there is something to work on now instead of saying because it is what I want.

                I don’t know if she is saying that she wants to work on it and that she loves me because she really means it, or if she is saying it out of habit. Or if she is saying it because she doesn’t have enough money saved for her to get her own apartment (something that she has told one of her friends). Or is she just staying with me because she feels sorry for me? Or because I found out so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas. She really wants to leave and really is done with being with me, but she wants to wait until Christmas is over.

                I am just so fucking confused right now! I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t want her to stay with me because she feels sorry for me. I don’t want her to stick around just because of a dam holiday. I don’t want her to stick around out of some form of guilt or sense of duty. I want her to want to be with me. I want her to want to be faithful to me. I don’t her sympathy or her pity.

                As said in one of my very early posts I don’t believe in separations or “trial separations”. It’s simple. You either want to be with me or you don’t. You either love me or you don’t. If Summer wants to go be on her own for a few months so she can figure out what she wants, then she just needs to leave and be done. I’m not going to be waiting around to be some fucking consolation prize. I’m not going to sit at home every night missing her hoping that she will come back, wondering what she’s doing or who she’s doing it with. Or quite frankly wonder WHO she is doing. I’m not going to be left at home needing to be faithful to her because we are still married, but on a trial separation while she goes out and fucks whoever she wants whenever she wants. After she goes screwing whoever she wants then to decide to come back to me? I’m supposed to just accept that and just be happy that she decided she wants to be with me instead of someone else? What kind of bullshit is that?! Of course, this is IF she even decides that she wants to come back to me. Actually, it’s all a moot point since I will draw the line there. As I have said a separation trial or not, will NOT be happening. Period.

               

                Even writing this post is harder than I thought it would be. Not because I’m a fucking emotional wreck, but because my mind has so much shit that needs to come out and it is going way to fast for me to even try to type it out. It’s like that when Summer and I have a talk in the evenings. On an occasion that I ask a question and she answers it, all it does is generate more questions. I’m not talking one answer creates one question. I mean she gives one answer and it generates up to 6 or more new questions and I can’t keep track of them all.

Now that I am writing this post it’s the same thing. My mind is racing with what I want to say, but my fingers just can’t type fast enough. By the time my fingers catch up I’ve lost what I was going to type. There are so many conversations that we have had and answers that she has given me that I want to put here. I want to get them here as soon as I can, so they don’t get lost or forgotten about. Art the same time I need to try and get them on here in a way that is understandable and not just a jumble and going back and forth.

With that said, I do need to just jump out of order completely and write this down. Not for you that may or may not be reading but for me so that I never forget. She has said multiple times in the last week and a half that she is sorry for what she did and sorry for hurting me. Every time she says this, I give the same response. You aren’t that sorry about it. You’re just sorry that I found out. You weren’t sorry about it when you were doing it. You weren’t sorry that you were doing this for over a year. She says she was sorry when she was doing it. I say no you weren’t. If you were sorry, you never would have done it to begin with.

 I need to keep reminding myself of this. If I don’t remind myself of this then I will just accept that she’s sorry, I’ll forgive her like I did with Mr. D and we will be right back in this situation again in a few years. Or maybe next time it won’t be years. Maybe next time it will be months. Or maybe her and Douchebag are just waiting for me to stop obsessing over this and drop all the conversations, so they go back to doing what they have been doing for the past year.

That brings up another point. I know for a fact that they were doing this FB messenger sexting thing last Dec. because I saw the messages going back that far before Summer erased them all. This of course was AFTER she promised me that she wouldn’t erase them. However, she did admit that she did erase the messages at least one time before Dec. 2019.  For all I know she has been sexting this fucking Douchebag for a few years. She says no but how can I possibly believer her? How can I believe anything that she says anymore? She can tell me the sky is blue and I would have to go look because she lies to me about fucking everything.

Originally, she started talking to him in March after the lockdowns, but when I scrolled to see when they started, I saw Dec. 2019 (again she erased all messages prior to Dec. 2019 so no clue when they actually started). She then swore from the day I found out Oct. 24 to last Fri. Dec. 4, that she has never been to his house, and that he has never been to our house. But I looked up his name in Google and found his address. So, I then said that he lived on x St. when she got home and that he was actually 53 not 47 like she told me. Instantly she said he don’t live on x St. what did you do talk to one of your coworkers? So I started to type on my phone and she kept trying to loom at it. But god forbid I look at her phone or iPad. She has a fucking fit. I have news for you Summer: YOUR THE ONE WHO CHEATS NOT ME! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN’T BE TRUSTED AND LIES NOT ME! I gave you free range of my emails, texts, phone calls everything for years.  IT FUCKING ENDS NOW!!  So I type in his name again and get the street name correct. It then hits me: if she has never been to his fucking house, how does she know the x St. was not where he lived? So I confronted her with this. She said that he went to his house once back in Mar. She also swore that absolutely nothing happened when she was there.

BULLSHIT ON BOTH COUNTS!!! I do not believe she was only there once back in Mar. if so how would she remember the name of the street Douchebag lives on? I already know that they have been sexting for 4 months by this time that she went to his house. So how fucking stupid does she think I am to believe the were sexting each other for 4 months but when they see each other that they did nothing? And before you or Summer answers how stupid she believes I am I already know the answer. She and Douchebag feel I am extremely stupid. I mean I let her cheat on me for a fucking year! I let her cheat on me multiple times in 26 years of marriage so yes, I am the dumbest fucking person alive right now.

Summer I know that you have been to his house more than once. I am positive that he has been to our house. I am positive that you have done more than just sexting, sending pictures and live videoing yourself pleasure yourself. You are just too fucking afraid to tell me the truth because you don’t want to hurt my feelings. Your afraid that I will lose my temper with you and get beyond pissed off. News flash Love: I have every fucking right to lose my shit with you right now after what you have done and for how long you have done it. But have I lost my shit with you at all since Oct. 24? No, I have not. You need to let me be able to determine what I can handle and what I can’t handle. You need to come to terms with the fact that you fucked up and deal with the consequences. Stop using my anger as an excuse. I haven’t lost my temper with you in 15 years. Stop giving me “I don’t know” as an answer. You know why you cheated on me. You know what you were getting out this relationship with Douchebag. Stop giving me the silent treatment instead of answers.

My feeling is that if Summer truly loved me like she has been saying for the last weeks and she believes that there is something to save that she would give me real answers and the lies would stop. I do want to be with her still. I want to be married to her and love her. But for that to happen I need answers. I need the lies to stop. I don’t need Summer to be talking with me in the kitchen and then out of nowhere say “Can I love you forever?” I was feeling really good until she said that to me. We were having a good conversation, I was smiling. We weren’t even talking about the cheating. But as soon as she said that I started crying like a fucking baby. I couldn’t hold it together. She said that she was sorry and that she didn’t mean to hurt me. It just made me fell worse for being fucking weak. I just can’t cope right now. I just feel weak every time I start to cry or feel like I can’t do this. I keep beating myself up for something that Summer made a conscious decision to do. Cheating on me and lying to me for over a year is NOT an accident. That is something that you choose to do openly and willingly. Summer made that choice and she was caught. Now she needs to face the music and stop giving I don’t know answers and stop being silent when a question is asked. If she is not willing to do that then she needs to just rip the band aid off, pack her shit and leave.

It may sound harsh but how fucking harsh was it for her to cheat on me? For her to give this fucking douchebag asshole all the things that I have asked for? For her to offer him those things without him even asking for them? For her to respond to me that I’m gross and disgusting when I ask her to send me a picture, or try to sext her, or try to get her to touch herself?

After all that SHE has done for over a year, she has the nerve to ask me what I am doing to work on our relationship. What do you mean by that? What did I do wrong that needs to be worked on? What am I doing to work on this? I am allowing you to still live under the same roof as me. I didn’t kick you out of the house after you lied, cheated, humiliated me, emasculated me etc. I am trying to forgive you. I am trying to believe you even when you continue to lie to me. I am not looking at your phone or iPad behind your back. If that isn’t good enough just say something. You know where the suitcases are. Just leave both credit cards on the counter along with the ATM card for my checking account. Either that or tell me what I did wrong to deserve this bullshit. Tell what you think I need to work on. From where I am sitting, I don’t have a thing to work on except to decide if I am going to allow this to happen anymore. I need to decide what I am willing to put up with in this marriage.

At some point the cheating that she does becomes my fault because I allow it to happen. I can’t keep crying to people that she is cheating on me if I believe her every time she tells me that she won’t do it again. I need to tell myself that as much as I love her, as bad it will be to be single again, it is better to be alone than to be with someone the disrespects you and humiliates you and lies to you.

What am I doing to work on our marriage? I am telling myself that I still want Summer in my life. I still want to be married to her. I still love her.  That is what I am doing to work things out. I am willing to believe her even when she lies to me. I am willing to trust her. I torture myself everyday on my way home from work because I am afraid to come home (more on that in a different post). I lose sleep every night. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since Oct. 24. I fight the urge to look at her phone or iPad to see if she is telling me the truth when she says they haven’t talked. I believe her when she says they haven’t switched to Kik instead of FB Messenger. I haven’t gone to his house even though I know where he lives. Especially since it is actually a lot closer than she initially made me believe. She told me he lived in the same town we lived in back in 2005. In fact, he actually lives in the same city we currently live in. We drive past his fucking house every time we go to Walmart on payday. That is what I am doing Summer. What are you doing? You ask me for details about my therapy sessions but refuse to talk to me about yours. Again, the double standard. She expects to be able to look at my phone, but I can’t look at hers. She wants details about my therapy but won’t talk about hers.

 

At this point I have gotten way off track and have gone places I wasn’t sure I should go. I kept going between talking to my readers and directly to Summer. So, with that being said, I will end this. I am going to do my very best to try and come up with something positive for my next post. It may not be as long winded as this one since the positive is very hard to find right now, but I will at least try.