Finaly caught up

…………..I walked in the door and the flowers I saw the day before were still there on the table. I put my duffle bag in the bedroom and put the dog’s bed where it belonged in the living room. Summer was in the laundry room (if memory serves correct this was a few months ago. Some details are a little hazy, others are clear as a bell). I then went to the computer to look at the checking account. I just looked blankly at the screen not really seeing it. I was flooding with emotions being home. Anger, confusion, sickness, sadness, confusion, love, hate, I think if there was an emotion to feel I was feeling it.

                She came out and the dog was super excited to see her. She said her hellos to our dog and came to the computer desk. She asked me if I was going to even say hello to her. I responded that I was doing as directed and staying out of her way. She then hugged me and started crying. She said that she missed me. I hugged her back and holding her again felt so good. As hurt and betrayed I felt I still loved her.

                I don’t know how it happened, but we ended up in the bedroom and just sat on the bed talking. Apparently, the flowers came from our neighbor. She had texted him a few days ago and asked if she could pick some of his roses from the yard. The next day he bought her the flowers the next day. (I know this because later I looked at her phone.)  She said that he got them for her because she was smiling more than he had ever seen her smile since we moved in 3 years ago and wanted to keep her smiling.

                She was shocked to see me with no hair on my head and all my facial hair gone too. She asked why I did it. I told her why I did it and when. We talked about Mother Hen and the incident with our older niece and my dad. We talked about what was going on. Taking turns crying, being mad, hurting, etc. I kept asking for details about her relationship with Douchebag and she kept lying to me. (I just didn’t realize how much was lie and how much was truth for quite some time.)

At some point we ended up naked and we fucked each other for the first time in a few weeks. When we finished again, we sat there and talked. Finally, we realized we had been in bed from about 1:30 to 8:00. We threw on some clothes, got in the van and drove to Sonic for a late dinner. We came home about 9:00 or so and went back to bed. We stayed up talking some more, we fucked again and went to sleep around 1:30 or 2:00. We got up the next morning (Halloween) talked a bit and she made me breakfast. After breakfast we went to Walmart and Costco to do our shopping. Came home and talked some more.

                The next day Summer went to work, and I was left alone in the house. I tried to get into her iPad, but she changed the passcode. I cleaned the bedroom and did laundry. Pretty much I just tried to do the best I could to keep my mind from thinking about Summer sending naked pictures of herself to another man.

                That is about the time that my ED started up. That was in the first days of Nov. We are now in the last days of Feb. and it is still here. Not as bad now as it was back then though. I just have a difficult time staying hard. I want to have sex with Summer. I can be hard if she is sucking me or playing with me, but as soon as I go for penetration it would just go dead. My brain would just instantly shut things down and they wouldn’t work. During the first month and a half or so I was back Summer’s appetite for me was really increased and I just couldn’t perform. If I could manage to stay hard enough for penetration I couldn’t finish. I was only able to finish once out of every 4-5 times of trying. When I was able to finish it wasn’t like it was before. There was barely anything there.

                I just kept reading the words she wrote douchebag in her messages over and over again in my head “he doesn’t last long enough. He doesn’t satisfy me in bed”. It hurt. It fucked up my self-confidence big time. Still does, but not as much now. At least now I can at least remain semi hard enough to stay penetrated. I still have issues finishing though. Which I guess is making Summer happier because I am lasting longer now.

                In our discussions the following week I told her that I was not going to force her to stop communicating with douchebag because that was a decision that she needed to make on her own. She informed me that she had no intentions of stopping her communications with him. She “loved” him, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to stay married anymore. She had been unhappy in our marriage for the last 3 years even before we bought our house. She didn’t know if she loved me anymore. She wanted to “take it one day at a time”. I thought that was a crock of shit. Here she was the one who cheated on me and now she thinks that she’s the one that gets to call the fucking shots? She’s lucky I didn’t kick her ass out on the streets (this is my thinking at the time this was happening not my feelings now).

                She didn’t know if she still wanted to be married to me, if she loved me or not, but she still wanted me to take her out duck hunting every weekend. She still wanted to go shopping with me every payday. She was still communicating with him but not as much.

                Then the following Sun. I was home alone as she was at work. When I got out of bed after another sleepless night I was sitting at the computer and her iPad dings. It made the sound for Facebook Messenger going off. Then it happened again. And again. I couldn’t see what was going on, but new that she was communicating with douchebag. I walked to the counter to look at it, but the password was changed. It went on for a few minutes. I finally texted her and told her that I couldn’t stand listening to the dings. Her response you ask? “Turn it off and you won’t need to hear it”. The fucking nerve! I just connected my phone to the sound bar and blasted my music. Started working on cleaning the house for a bit and went back to my sister’s house to clean her windows for her as a thank you for letting me stay there.

                That night when we were both at home, she wouldn’t answer my questions about what they were talking about. I looked at her phone and saw that she had erased all of the messages going back to Dec. 2019. This pissed me off. She had promised me that she would not erase any more messages and that she would let me look at the messages between them. What does she do? She fucking erased them! I was pissed and it started another argument that lasted quite a while. She kept giving me different excuses for why she erased the messages. I didn’t care what any of them were. They wouldn’t be good enough. They were all lies as far as I was concerned.

 

                So now I’m going to switch gears. This is tearing me apart reliving all of these memories. I’m going to try to just give a cliff notes version of the happenings from that point to now. I’m sure that some of the stuff that I am going to list here have been said already at some point. I’m not going to take the time to re-read what I wrote though so I’m sorry of it’s a repeat.

·         One Sunday I started reading her prayer journal. I was looking at the recent entries from Oct. 2020 to Nov. 2020. Almost every day she wrote to god praying for douchebag and his daughters. Thanking god for bringing douchebag into her life. I started reading more. In Sept. she was praying for god to let her out of the marriage. That was the first mention of me in her prayers since Nov. 2019. That’s the point when she reconnected with him and the messages started. In the beginning of Nov. 2019, she was praying for both of us to continue doing good and to not lose our house when she was having issues at work. Then in April 2020 she started praying for douchebag every single entry.

·         After I discovered the messages on her phone, she completely stopped writing in her prayer journal. There were no entries after Oct. 24, 2020. She has started writing in it again though in last few weeks. I just haven’t looked anymore.

·         For pretty much the month of Nov. my new morning routine before work would be to look at her phone while she was in the bathroom getting ready for work reading all messages she would send to her friends and him. Then when I would get home from work, I would look at her iPad (I watched her enter her passcode and memorized it).

·         Summer told me that I was codependent and that was a reason that she wanted out. I was putting too much pressure on her. She wanted me to read Codependent no More. I started to read it.

·         I talked to a coworker that went through this in 2015 with his wife. They divorced because she wanted to be with his at the time best friend. I asked how I was supposed to get over this. We talked for a few hours and he suggested that I read “The Love Dare”. I went home and bought it from Amazon.

·         Summer saw me ordering the book and took an attitude saying “You expect me to read another book?! No way! I’m done reading books about this.”

·         On one of my iPad readings, I saw that she messaged a friend about the book I had ordered. Apparently, she had told another friend about it. Her response to friend I was reading was to “let him humor himself”.

·         Another one of her whore friends told her good for you for cheating on your husband if he wasn’t meeting your sexual needs.

·         To this day I have never opened the book. I also said fuck it and stopped reading the codependent book. Summer on the other hand has read a bit of it, is re-reading The 5 Love Languages, and bought another book that I can’t remember the name of at this moment.

·         My weight dropped rapidly. In Oct. I weighed close to 300 pounds. I am now going between 258 and 262 since about a week prior to Christmas. That’s almost 50 pounds from Oct. 24 to roughly Dec. 18.

·         One of the reasons she gave for cheating was that he was more endowed than I am. She wanted someone that was bigger. So along with me taking Sildenofil (generic Viagra) she had me get a penis pump to see if it would do anything. We used it once and it now sits unused in the drawer.

·         One evening in Nov. she was washing dishes and I was sitting on the counter waiting for dished to dry. We were having a good conversation and out of the blue she says “I love you. Can I love you forever?” I instantly started crying and told her not to say that. It hurt too much. The evening went down from there.

·         In early Nov. I went to my aunt and uncles in Oregon with my parents and my sister. Driving up there was just like being a kid. It was just the 4 of us and 4 dogs packed tight in a minivan with clothes for a few days, dog box, Costco items since they don’t live close to a Costco, and hunting supplies. My dad, uncle and I went pheasant hunting at Tule Lake for opening day of the season. That night we were talking, and I started talking about what was going on with Summer and I. My mom told me to change the subject and talk about something else. It hurt and instead of vocalizing it I shut down and just went downstairs and isolated myself.

·         Before the trip Summer said that she would send me pictures and have conversation with me like she would with douchebag (sexting). It never happened. I did find out by looking at her iPad that she did message him and told him I was out of town though.

·         On the last night there after stewing over what my mom said for 2 days, I started to drink heavily. I had about 7-8 Not Your Father’s Root Beer, and just about emptied a pint of Fireball. I got really drunk. Started texting Summer about being upset about not following through with what she said she’d do and told her what my mom said. She said that I have her to talk to and that she cared. I was drunk and made some petty sar4castic comments. Then I got on Facebook and posted that I was told to change the subject. It felt like no one cares. I just didn’t say who said it. A few minutes later my friend from High School messaged me and we messaged each other till 1 in the morning when my stomach decided that it had enough. The next day a different aunt sent me a message telling me that I need to tell the person who said that to me exactly how I felt. I told her that I can’t because I had to share a vehicle home with her and that I might need to stay at her place again in the future. She figured out it was mom and said it would be better to not say it then.

·         During a bad day in Dec. on a Sunday while Summer was at work, I did a search for douchebag on the internet. I found out how old he was (53), where he lives and a phone number too. This was all on people finder or something like that. I found out that he lives just a few minutes from us in the same town.  We drive within a few blocks of his house every time we go shopping or out to dinner. This pissed me off. It broke the rules we had together back when we were both blogging heavily back in 2005-2006. We met people here that we ended up sexting in private messages. The rules were we both need to know who the other is doing things with, we had to share what we were doing and the most important rules were it can’t become personal and the person can’t be within easy distance to get to for it to get physical. This fucker was 10 minutes from us.

·         That night I confronted her about this. I asked how old he was she said same age as us. I said no he’s 53. She asked how I found out. She thought that I asked a coworker that may have known him. I just told her I had my ways. I also found out he lives on “X” road. She immediately said no he doesn’t.

Really? How would you know? 

She was silent for a while.

I said there’s only one way to know that isn’t there.

She said yes.

So you lied to me and you have been to his house.

Yes but only once. We just talked that was it. It was back in Nov. last year.

BULLSHIT! How can you remember the street name like that only being there once? You can’t remember what I say 5 minutes after I say it.

I then showed her on my phone how I found out and showed her a picture of his house. She didn’t say anything for a while. I then pressed the issue. She said that yes she went to his house to have sex with him, but he messaged her as she pulled up and told her to leave because baby momma was dropping kids off and would be there anytime. I didn’t believe her but dropped it.

·         One night in late Nov. early Dec. we were having a late-night conversation and we were talking about Mr. D and douchebag and her ex-boyfriend from when we met. She started to smile then stopped and smiled again. I asked what was so funny. She said she didn’t want to tell me because I would think there was another time she cheated on me.

o   Apparently “a long time ago so it don’t matter”, before she was sending douchebag pictures, when she had just started her massage business, he was a client. After she gave him a massage, she gave him a handjob. During the handjob he tried to reach his hand up her shirt. She swears that at that point she packed her stuff and left. To be honest with my readers I don’t believe her.

o   This was during the period of our lives that we were both blogging on here regularly, we were working through our issues with Mr. D and we were supposed to be in a good place. However, to this day I am not allowed to hug her, kiss her or touch her while I am on the massage table. She won’t even have sex with me after a massage because it cheapens the massage. But she’ll do that with him?! I mean what the FUCK! Back in the day she ripped a fellow blogger Desperate Husband because he got a happy ending after a massage.

·         The major turning point for both of us was Dec. 20. On that night I was drinking beers as usual. Summer had called in sick that day because our hot water heater broke and she couldn’t take a shower. We had a good day. We stayed in bed that morning and had some good adult type fun. That night as I was cooking dinner, Summer went to my parents’ house to drop off a shirt that she needed my mom to sew. While she was gone, I looked at her iPad. She had sent douchebag a message on Fri. saying that she hoped he was having a better week that her. I had thought we were having a good week together. She had actually messaged him a few times in the last 3 weeks, but he hadn’t responded to her at all. He had completely stopped communicating with her. It was about the time we found out oldest niece was pregnant. I then saw that she messaged another friend and said that I wasn’t being an adult when I posted on Facebook that she was cheating on me and that now her best friend from childhood wasn’t speaking to her.

o   I lost it at that point. I went to the safe and got my jar of weed and pipe. Went outside and started smoking. I had also just taken my antidepressant and started drinking vodka along with the beer. I was on the porch punching the shed. Crying. I took a few drinks straight from the vodka bottle and took a few more hits and it really started to hit me. I sent a group message to my mom and sister saying someone needed to come to my house and pick me up asap. I didn’t get a response in what I deemed to be a soon enough time, so I walked across the street to our neighbors and knocked on his door. I said that he needed to come to my house before Summer got home and something else that I won’t repeat. What I meant to say was that he needed to keep me from going to douchebags house. That’s not what happened. I then turned around and walked back to my house. When I got to my steps, I threw my beer at the deck sat on the steps and started crying. I then sent another text message this to my mom, sister, and Summer saying if I’m not at home I’m going to be at a certain address (douchebags). I also sent Summer a picture message of both FB Messenger messages I found. A minute or two later Summer arrived at home. Neighbor walked over and started to “ignore” us by working on our water heater.

o   Summer asked me what was wrong? Why was I crying on the porch? I told her to look at her messages. She looked and saw what I sent. At that time my parents arrived, and Summer ran into the house and into our bedroom. My dad stayed out on the side of the house with my neighbor “working on the water heater” and my mom came up to talk to me. I’m just talking to neighbor telling him I’m not going to do anything. I’m not stupid. That’s not what I meant to say. He just kept repeating I’m here to look at water heater.

o   Mom and I talked, and I tell her about what she said in Oregon. She said what do you expect you always get mad at me when we try to talk about it. Which I found odd since I never talked to her about it since the day I stayed there after being at my sisters. She told me that if it comes to it she would give me the money to buy Summer out of the house so I don’t have to sell it.

o   Neighbor leaves and dad comes up on deck and asks if I’m going to their place. I said yes but I needed to talk to Summer first. I go into the bedroom and talk to her a little loud so my parents could hear. I wasn’t yelling I just wanted them to know that I wasn’t going to do anything stupid. I kept asking her what were the rules? What did we discuss? She would say she’s not answering when my parents can hear. I said I don’t care. The rules were that you could fuck whoever you wanted as long as you let me know. I could do the same. You can continue to sext him just let me know and don’t hide it. Sex with other people on either her part or mine needed to be physical only nothing emotional.

o   My parents called and said we need to go. I grabbed my pillow and the dog’s bed, and my water jug. We stayed in the kitchen for a minute to talk. I didn’t realize that my jar of weed was on the counter and my pipe was still in my hand. My dad said what’s that? I said my little bit of weed (I bought the jar in Weed Ca. on our way home from Oregon). At that point the cat was out of the bag so I grabbed it to as we walked out the door.

o   On the way to their house I was babbling about don’t worry about me losing my job. My boss knows he’s the one that told me to smoke to try and get some sleep. I also dropped my commercial license when I got the last promotion. Mom didn’t have much to say. Dad asked if it was good stuff. I told him I only buy the best. Luckily, I wasn’t so gone that I outed my sister and sister-in-law.

o   At their house I ate a few bites of food, went to the backyard and smoked a little more. Went to the bedroom and locked myself in there. I got out of bed to let my dads’ dog in and my jar of weed fell out of my pocket and landed on the tile floor. It broke on the inside and around the seal.

o   The next morning Summer started texting me around 6:30. She called in sick to work the night before. Apparently, I texted my boss the night before and took the day off too. We texted until about 8:30 and then it went dark on her end. About 30 minutes later she rang the doorbell. My mom let her in and she came to the room I was in. She closed the door and got in bed with me. We talked and she was crying and showed me that she had blocked douchebag from contacting her. She wanted nothing to do with him anymore. We talked more and cried together. She talked to me and responded to what I said without going silent for long periods. She then pulled my wedding ring out of her pocket and asked me to put it back on. She put her ring on as well. We both hadn’t worn them since I left for my sisters. Around 11:00 we left for home and spent the day in bed just holding each other not talking much.

·         That was a big turning point for us. Since then we have gotten along better. We still have little spats when I start “flooding” with emotions and memories come into my head. I have not had a drink or smoked since then. And I have almost 3 cases of beer and vodka and fireball in the shed. Not because I think I have a drinking problem, but because I don’t think I should be drinking until we get this worked out. I tend to flood when I drink especially when I drink alone.

·         The day after Christmas was a hard day for me. After we went hunting with my dad we came home and showered together. Then we went into bed for more adult fun. Afterwards we started talking again. That’s the day that I found out that she did go to his house more than once. She went there to have sex with him, but he couldn’t get hard enough. She sucked him, made out with him, he played with her tits and pussy, then she straddled him and grinded on him but according to her he never got hard enough to penetrate her.

o   I didn’t fully believe that and still don’t. I still think that he has been to our house no matter how much she swears he hasn’t.

·         I wrote about what happened the next day with my vigorous cleaning of the house.

·         I was on a planned vacation for the week between Christmas and New Year. On a day I was at home and Summer was at work I stumbled across a Youtube channel. I had searched for “how to recover from an affair”. A lot of videos came up. Most were too religious for me though. Then I found Affair Recovery. I watched several of the videos before Summer got home while I was folding laundry. When she came home, I showed her some of the videos.

·         From that point we started watching 1 or 2 videos a night. Then when we both had COVID we researched their website to see what programs they offer. They have a free 7-day bootcamp, an online course that meets once a week for 13 weeks and keeps you in touch with the small group of couple in your weekly meeting for a year afterwards, and they have an intensive weekend retreat. We decided that we would do the free bootcamp but needed to wait until duck season was over so we could devote our time to it.

o   We started the program on Feb. 12. Unfortunately, between both of us having commutes of 1 hour for me and 2 hours for her, we don’t have a lot of time to work on it after work and dinner. We are still working on day 3.

·         Not an awful lot happened in Jan. that I haven’t already talked about. We both caught that fucking Rona virus and were home for 2 weeks. After we got better, we started hunting again and even took the trailer out a few times to hunt multiple days in a row. The hunting was bad. It was way too warm for Jan. it was in the 60’s in afternoon and no clouds.

·         A notable incident from Late Dec. or early Jan. (can’t remember which) I wet to my sisters to pick up our trailer from their house. We had lent it to them so nieces BF can have it to isolate in due to exposure. His family told him he needed to sleep in the garage during quarantine period even though the lease is in his name. They also told him that he needed to run their errands for him in the daytime even though he was supposed to isolate and not be in public.

Anyways, while there to get the trailer we talked about the incident at my parents’ house before Christmas with them picking me up to take me there. I told them (Sister, S-i-L and oldest niece) about my parents seeing the weed and pipe. Then my dad asking on the way his house if it was good stuff. My sister was shocked. Niece thought it was hilarious. Apparently, my sister said she new that my parents found out because mom texted her on the drive and said she don’t care if I started smoking again. Whatever it takes for me to get through this. I was shocked.

We also talked about how funny it would have been if when my jar broke if a bud got lost under my moms’ bed and it was found later.

o   My sister and I have wondered since then if my dad smokes or not since he asked if it was the good stuff. Neither of us have gotten up the nerve to ask though. How adult of us right? I’m 47, she turns 45 in 2 weeks.

 

For now that is all I can think of for the cliff notes version of events. I’m sure that I am missing things. It is now March 1^st. I started this post on Feb. 19th. It was hard to write. But it is nowhere as hard as the next post is going to be. We had a major setback on Fri. night and I’m now in a place where I don’t think I can recover from it.

I’m scared. VERY scared. This time it’s me scaring myself. He thoughts are back and worse than ever. The body pains are worse. I’ve been in my office since 6:30 this morning and it is now 1:20. I’ve been shaking most of the day and doing my best to not cry at work. My door has been closed all day so I don’t get walked in on. That happened the day I started writing this. I don’t want it to happen again. I’m struggling. I lost 7 pounds in one night. Fri. morning, I weighed 261 with no clothes on. Sun. morning, I weighed 254 with clothes on.

I gotta end this.

Having a hard time

                So, I’m not sure how I am going to proceed this time around. I know that how I did it when I started to first write on this page many years ago, was to start in the beginning as each post was about how things progressed. Then I got to current events. I’m just not sure if I will be able to do that this time. I’m thinking that what I might need to do is go back and forth. Otherwise I’m never going to be able to proceed. I’ve been trying for 5 days to get my next post created and I am just having a hard time writing it. Every time I try to write it, I turn into a blubbering fucking mess. I can’t type more than a line or two and I just can’t proceed anymore. I am trying to go into detail about what happened the night I found out that Summer was cheating on me for a year.

                So, as it stands now, I found out on Oct. 24. It is now Dec. 7. Summer has not contact Douchebag since Nov. 23. Douchebag has not even read any of the last 3 messages that Summer sent him.  At least they haven’t communicated via FB Messenger. I have no clue if they have called each other on the phone or have used text messages to communicate now instead of using Messenger. She has already admitted that she used to delete his phone calls and messages so there really is no way of knowing at this point. I n one of her messages to him in right after I found out she told him to start using a different app (Kik) for messaging each other. Although she swears that they have not used the app to communicate, it now shows on her iPad as a frequently used app.

                I just don’t know what to believe anymore. When I first found out about it, she told me that she didn’t love me anymore and she was just waiting for the time to leave. Then when I was out of the house for a few days staying at my sisters, she told me she loved me on the phone. I asked her why she said that, and she said it was out of habit, not because she meant it. She said that she wanted to leave and wasn’t going to change her mind. She didn’t think there was anything left to work on.

                Now fast forward a little bit to within the last week or so and she has done a 180. She now says that she loves me and that she means it. She says that she wants to work on our marriage, and she believes there is something to save. Oddly enough though is that she started saying these things AFTER Douchebag stopped reading and replying to her messages.

                She says that she wants to work on it, and she wants me to trust her again. But when I ask her questions about why she did it, what is she getting out of the relationship with him, I get silence or “I don’t know”. I ask her why she wants to work on it and her reply is because I love her, and I want to work on this. She doesn’t say because she loves me, or because she believes there is something worth saving. Although I guess she has heard me react to that enough that she says she wants to work on it because she believes that there is something to work on now instead of saying because it is what I want.

                I don’t know if she is saying that she wants to work on it and that she loves me because she really means it, or if she is saying it out of habit. Or if she is saying it because she doesn’t have enough money saved for her to get her own apartment (something that she has told one of her friends). Or is she just staying with me because she feels sorry for me? Or because I found out so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas. She really wants to leave and really is done with being with me, but she wants to wait until Christmas is over.

                I am just so fucking confused right now! I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t want her to stay with me because she feels sorry for me. I don’t want her to stick around just because of a dam holiday. I don’t want her to stick around out of some form of guilt or sense of duty. I want her to want to be with me. I want her to want to be faithful to me. I don’t her sympathy or her pity.

                As said in one of my very early posts I don’t believe in separations or “trial separations”. It’s simple. You either want to be with me or you don’t. You either love me or you don’t. If Summer wants to go be on her own for a few months so she can figure out what she wants, then she just needs to leave and be done. I’m not going to be waiting around to be some fucking consolation prize. I’m not going to sit at home every night missing her hoping that she will come back, wondering what she’s doing or who she’s doing it with. Or quite frankly wonder WHO she is doing. I’m not going to be left at home needing to be faithful to her because we are still married, but on a trial separation while she goes out and fucks whoever she wants whenever she wants. After she goes screwing whoever she wants then to decide to come back to me? I’m supposed to just accept that and just be happy that she decided she wants to be with me instead of someone else? What kind of bullshit is that?! Of course, this is IF she even decides that she wants to come back to me. Actually, it’s all a moot point since I will draw the line there. As I have said a separation trial or not, will NOT be happening. Period.

               

                Even writing this post is harder than I thought it would be. Not because I’m a fucking emotional wreck, but because my mind has so much shit that needs to come out and it is going way to fast for me to even try to type it out. It’s like that when Summer and I have a talk in the evenings. On an occasion that I ask a question and she answers it, all it does is generate more questions. I’m not talking one answer creates one question. I mean she gives one answer and it generates up to 6 or more new questions and I can’t keep track of them all.

Now that I am writing this post it’s the same thing. My mind is racing with what I want to say, but my fingers just can’t type fast enough. By the time my fingers catch up I’ve lost what I was going to type. There are so many conversations that we have had and answers that she has given me that I want to put here. I want to get them here as soon as I can, so they don’t get lost or forgotten about. Art the same time I need to try and get them on here in a way that is understandable and not just a jumble and going back and forth.

With that said, I do need to just jump out of order completely and write this down. Not for you that may or may not be reading but for me so that I never forget. She has said multiple times in the last week and a half that she is sorry for what she did and sorry for hurting me. Every time she says this, I give the same response. You aren’t that sorry about it. You’re just sorry that I found out. You weren’t sorry about it when you were doing it. You weren’t sorry that you were doing this for over a year. She says she was sorry when she was doing it. I say no you weren’t. If you were sorry, you never would have done it to begin with.

 I need to keep reminding myself of this. If I don’t remind myself of this then I will just accept that she’s sorry, I’ll forgive her like I did with Mr. D and we will be right back in this situation again in a few years. Or maybe next time it won’t be years. Maybe next time it will be months. Or maybe her and Douchebag are just waiting for me to stop obsessing over this and drop all the conversations, so they go back to doing what they have been doing for the past year.

That brings up another point. I know for a fact that they were doing this FB messenger sexting thing last Dec. because I saw the messages going back that far before Summer erased them all. This of course was AFTER she promised me that she wouldn’t erase them. However, she did admit that she did erase the messages at least one time before Dec. 2019.  For all I know she has been sexting this fucking Douchebag for a few years. She says no but how can I possibly believer her? How can I believe anything that she says anymore? She can tell me the sky is blue and I would have to go look because she lies to me about fucking everything.

Originally, she started talking to him in March after the lockdowns, but when I scrolled to see when they started, I saw Dec. 2019 (again she erased all messages prior to Dec. 2019 so no clue when they actually started). She then swore from the day I found out Oct. 24 to last Fri. Dec. 4, that she has never been to his house, and that he has never been to our house. But I looked up his name in Google and found his address. So, I then said that he lived on x St. when she got home and that he was actually 53 not 47 like she told me. Instantly she said he don’t live on x St. what did you do talk to one of your coworkers? So I started to type on my phone and she kept trying to loom at it. But god forbid I look at her phone or iPad. She has a fucking fit. I have news for you Summer: YOUR THE ONE WHO CHEATS NOT ME! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN’T BE TRUSTED AND LIES NOT ME! I gave you free range of my emails, texts, phone calls everything for years.  IT FUCKING ENDS NOW!!  So I type in his name again and get the street name correct. It then hits me: if she has never been to his fucking house, how does she know the x St. was not where he lived? So I confronted her with this. She said that he went to his house once back in Mar. She also swore that absolutely nothing happened when she was there.

BULLSHIT ON BOTH COUNTS!!! I do not believe she was only there once back in Mar. if so how would she remember the name of the street Douchebag lives on? I already know that they have been sexting for 4 months by this time that she went to his house. So how fucking stupid does she think I am to believe the were sexting each other for 4 months but when they see each other that they did nothing? And before you or Summer answers how stupid she believes I am I already know the answer. She and Douchebag feel I am extremely stupid. I mean I let her cheat on me for a fucking year! I let her cheat on me multiple times in 26 years of marriage so yes, I am the dumbest fucking person alive right now.

Summer I know that you have been to his house more than once. I am positive that he has been to our house. I am positive that you have done more than just sexting, sending pictures and live videoing yourself pleasure yourself. You are just too fucking afraid to tell me the truth because you don’t want to hurt my feelings. Your afraid that I will lose my temper with you and get beyond pissed off. News flash Love: I have every fucking right to lose my shit with you right now after what you have done and for how long you have done it. But have I lost my shit with you at all since Oct. 24? No, I have not. You need to let me be able to determine what I can handle and what I can’t handle. You need to come to terms with the fact that you fucked up and deal with the consequences. Stop using my anger as an excuse. I haven’t lost my temper with you in 15 years. Stop giving me “I don’t know” as an answer. You know why you cheated on me. You know what you were getting out this relationship with Douchebag. Stop giving me the silent treatment instead of answers.

My feeling is that if Summer truly loved me like she has been saying for the last weeks and she believes that there is something to save that she would give me real answers and the lies would stop. I do want to be with her still. I want to be married to her and love her. But for that to happen I need answers. I need the lies to stop. I don’t need Summer to be talking with me in the kitchen and then out of nowhere say “Can I love you forever?” I was feeling really good until she said that to me. We were having a good conversation, I was smiling. We weren’t even talking about the cheating. But as soon as she said that I started crying like a fucking baby. I couldn’t hold it together. She said that she was sorry and that she didn’t mean to hurt me. It just made me fell worse for being fucking weak. I just can’t cope right now. I just feel weak every time I start to cry or feel like I can’t do this. I keep beating myself up for something that Summer made a conscious decision to do. Cheating on me and lying to me for over a year is NOT an accident. That is something that you choose to do openly and willingly. Summer made that choice and she was caught. Now she needs to face the music and stop giving I don’t know answers and stop being silent when a question is asked. If she is not willing to do that then she needs to just rip the band aid off, pack her shit and leave.

It may sound harsh but how fucking harsh was it for her to cheat on me? For her to give this fucking douchebag asshole all the things that I have asked for? For her to offer him those things without him even asking for them? For her to respond to me that I’m gross and disgusting when I ask her to send me a picture, or try to sext her, or try to get her to touch herself?

After all that SHE has done for over a year, she has the nerve to ask me what I am doing to work on our relationship. What do you mean by that? What did I do wrong that needs to be worked on? What am I doing to work on this? I am allowing you to still live under the same roof as me. I didn’t kick you out of the house after you lied, cheated, humiliated me, emasculated me etc. I am trying to forgive you. I am trying to believe you even when you continue to lie to me. I am not looking at your phone or iPad behind your back. If that isn’t good enough just say something. You know where the suitcases are. Just leave both credit cards on the counter along with the ATM card for my checking account. Either that or tell me what I did wrong to deserve this bullshit. Tell what you think I need to work on. From where I am sitting, I don’t have a thing to work on except to decide if I am going to allow this to happen anymore. I need to decide what I am willing to put up with in this marriage.

At some point the cheating that she does becomes my fault because I allow it to happen. I can’t keep crying to people that she is cheating on me if I believe her every time she tells me that she won’t do it again. I need to tell myself that as much as I love her, as bad it will be to be single again, it is better to be alone than to be with someone the disrespects you and humiliates you and lies to you.

What am I doing to work on our marriage? I am telling myself that I still want Summer in my life. I still want to be married to her. I still love her.  That is what I am doing to work things out. I am willing to believe her even when she lies to me. I am willing to trust her. I torture myself everyday on my way home from work because I am afraid to come home (more on that in a different post). I lose sleep every night. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since Oct. 24. I fight the urge to look at her phone or iPad to see if she is telling me the truth when she says they haven’t talked. I believe her when she says they haven’t switched to Kik instead of FB Messenger. I haven’t gone to his house even though I know where he lives. Especially since it is actually a lot closer than she initially made me believe. She told me he lived in the same town we lived in back in 2005. In fact, he actually lives in the same city we currently live in. We drive past his fucking house every time we go to Walmart on payday. That is what I am doing Summer. What are you doing? You ask me for details about my therapy sessions but refuse to talk to me about yours. Again, the double standard. She expects to be able to look at my phone, but I can’t look at hers. She wants details about my therapy but won’t talk about hers.

 

At this point I have gotten way off track and have gone places I wasn’t sure I should go. I kept going between talking to my readers and directly to Summer. So, with that being said, I will end this. I am going to do my very best to try and come up with something positive for my next post. It may not be as long winded as this one since the positive is very hard to find right now, but I will at least try.

Still here and still Confused

 Well here I am after a many year hiatus. So much has happened in the last few years that I have been gone. There have been good things and bad things. Some of it is minor things others are major and the biggest has been life altering and I do not know if I will be able to recover from it.

I really don't know where to start at this point. Do I just jump right in and tell you all what has happened that is so life altering? Or should I try and give you quick updates as to everything that has happened in the last few years that I have not been here? Hell I don;t even know if there are any of my old readers  out there anymore. The list of Blogs that I used to read is no longer on my site. I guess that means that either they have all disappeared or that that no one has posted to them in quite some time. Meaning that they have in a sense disappeared. 

Either way I find myself in need of a place to let someone, anyone know what is going on in my life. Whether that be to some of my old readers, Some random person stumbling on my site for the first time or even if it to no one at all but for me to look back on and ask what the FUCK was I thinking? Your such a pussy for thinking that you could not recover from this. I know that it is stupid to think that I will not be able to get over this. But when I get inside my head like has been known to happen I can't help it. 

If you have read my posts from years before you will no that I was on medications for depression for a few years. 10 years to be exact. I actually was able to completely get off of all the meds in 2015. Now I am back on the meds for depression and also to help me sleep at night. Even when I take a double dose of the med for sleep along with Melatonin I am only getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I always wake up between 1 and 2 in the morning and my mind just runs wild thinking about what happened. Why it happened. How it happened. How long it has been going on. Blaming myself even though I did not do this or cause this. plus a thousand other things just comes racing into my head and won't leave. Then when Summer Rose (for new readers she is my wife) wakes up at 3 to do her morning exercises is when it gets worse.

So I guess I will just out right say what has happened. Summer has been cheating on me for over a year. The reason it gets worse when she gets out of bed to do her exercises is because that's the main time that her and her "friend" (from here on out to be referred to as Douchebag) would do their thing. She would tell me that she is working out in the morning, but she was really doing is sexting a person instead. Something that I have tried to get her to do with me for years and she would say that I am gross and disgusting or that I was bothering her. She would take pictures of herself with no clothes on and send them to him. Another thing that she would never ever let me do since we stopped Bogging. She would video call him so he could watch her play with herself. Sometimes with toys that I bought her to use with me. She wear the sexy underwear that I would buy her for him but in 2 years of owning them she would never wear them for me.

I can almost handle the sexting with him. But it is the fact that he was getting things from her that she would refuse to do for me. Also the fact that she let it go WAY beyond just sexting him. She would tell him she loved him. She would tell him that I did not satisfy her in bed. She told him in July that she wished I would just die so that she could get the life insurance money. The life insurance by the way that SHE insisted that I get. She told him I drink to much. She told him that she wanted to find her own place to live but could not afford it.

What was she telling me this entire time? That she loved me. That she wanted to love me forever. She even was asking me as close as August if we could get remarried! This is after she told this Mother Fucker that she loved him and wanted to leave me! Why does this keep happening to me?!? Remember Mr. D from back when I first started this Blog in 2005? How I said that I believed her when she said that they never slept together? How she in her Blog said that they never slept together? Well in 2013 I found out that she did in fact get into his bed and she FUCKED him! MORE THAN ONCE!!!!!! And she expects me to believe that she never fucked this new guy at all. It was only sexting and video messaging on Facebook Messenger. Even though every time I would leave home for a weekend to go hunting or camping she would tell him that I was going to be out of town and that we have a door with a broken lock. She told him how to get into MY FUCKING HOUSE when I'm not home!!!!!! And what do I do? I FUCKING BEG HER NOT TO LEAVE ME! What kind of fucking man am I?

 Oh dear readers if there are any left it gets worse than that. Sometime in 2006 or 2007 after she had her massage therapy business going she did it again and just now told me about it. To make it even worse about that guy it was with the same fucking douchebag that she has been sexting with now! She swears now that it was just a hand job after she gave him a massage (something that she has flat out refused to do for me for years). Then in 2010 she she made out a different guy while I was at work. The in 2013 she had an emotional affair with her ex boyfriend for high school. That's when I found out that she fucked Mr. D. She told him what she lied to me about for 8 years. So where does that leave us now? We have been married for 26 years and I don't know who I'm married to anymore. That's 5 times in 26 years that she has cheated on me. I'm really thinking that there are more though. Especially when she made a comment last week "That you know about" which leads me to believe there were more times that she hasn't come clean about yet.

I can't believe it but it has taken me almost an entire week to get this post written. I have so much more to say but I need to end this one here and begin with a new post. At some point I need to write about something happy again. I also need to go into more detail about how things are going right now and other things I just don't want to put too much into one post. Especially after being gone for so long.

Hey out there! Do any of you still remember me? I'm CH. I know that I've been lacking lately. That might be an understatement actually. I don't know what it is but I just haven't been able to get the gumption up to post on here as of late. I'm torn. Don't know what to do. Don't know what would make me happier. I've thought a lot recently about shutting down. Then every time I think that I also think that it would be a waste to do so.I have 3 years of my life documented here. I don't want to just give up on it. I'll probably just not post as often. Who knows.

So anyways not much has been going on here in the last few weeks since I last posted. I've been making cookies for Christmas again. I'm on my fifth double batch so far. Still have at least 2-3 more double batches to go. As usual I'm going over board on the cookies again. But we go through a lot. 2 Christmas parties, give some away to our neighbors on Christmas day, then there is the ones we'll take to my parents on Christmas day. So we go through a lot too. It's not like I eat them all to myself. That gets saved for the Cordial Cherries. Those are all MINE!

Hunting has been pretty slow lately. I haven't had many opportunities to go. Although 2 weeks ago I got the chance to go on the best pheasant hunt of my life. It was truly amazing. It was like watching a show on the Outdoor Chanel that was taped in South Dakota. Truly a once in a lifetime hunt for someone from Ca.

Jr. has been keeping us busy with his 4H stuff. He is showing a goat this year. Plus the chili cook off that he has signed up for next month. He's also signed up for the rocketry club as well. So we're pretty busy with that.

Youngest is doing alright. At least he is when I'm around. School has been pretty good for him. Home has been getting a little better. At least we are moving ahead in the right direction.

Summer has started babysitting to make some extra money. She's also going back to school starting next week. I think that she has pretty much given up on massage. She did give it a fair try though. We just need more income coming in. Half of her check is going into the gas tank now. Plus her employer has stopped paying standby time. So if she is not giving massages she's not getting paid. They are really slow lately too so sometimes she's there for 6 hours and only does 1 massage. That's a lot of time to be sitting around and not be getting paid.

As for me my schedule/shift has started taking it's toll on me. Right now I'm just hoping that we can get a second lead worker on the crew. Soon. I love the work aspect of the shift still, but I'm getting tired of not seeing the family. I get to see the kids for about 20 minutes in the morning and half an hour for dinner. Summer and I see each other at dinner and thats about it. Unless she comes home from work early. Which isn't often. Plus she works on my days off and I work on hers. We get to a point where we are doing really well together and we can't see each other. So here's to hoping we get a second lead so that I can go back to days. Or at the very least go on a rotating shift which is what my boss wants. If we get two leads he wants to rotate us every two months so we get the experience of the whole job. not just one part. Right now I'm great at the paperwork aspect. But when it comes to the maintenance aspect I suck. I don't deal with that on my shift.

I am taking some time off soon though so that's going to be nice. SR is going to be taking some time off as well at the same time so we can spend time together. I'm working day shift on the 23rd and 24th so I can attend the work Christmas party. Then I don't go back to work until the 2nd of Jan. I'll be off for 8 days and only use 4 days of vacation. Gotta know how to work the system. :D

Hopefully I'll be back in a week or so. We'll see.

Where to start?

Last week at work I was talking to one of the guys that ones a ferry I'm in charge of. He told about a situation that he is going through with his wife. It brought back a lot of memories for me. He and his wife are going through the same thin g that Summer and I did a few years ago. He intercepted a call from a guy that hung up when he answered. So he checked the caller ID. There were a lot of calls from the same person. He checked the caller ID on the upstairs phone and all calls from the guy were deleted. He looked at the cell phone bill and found that in a 1 month period she called the guy over 200 times. All of the calls coincided with the times that he left the house to go to work. He would leave and the first call would be made less than 5 minutes later. Sounds really familiar with what happened with us. The other thing is that our "guy" was a firefighter, and his is a policeman. So he'd done the same thing that I did. Went and looked at all the phone bills for a few months. The amount of calls is unbelievable.So he went a step further than I did and kicked her out of the house. So now he's living in a 5 bedroom home all alone.

Well to say the least it brought back a few memories. I told him about what Summer and I went through and just listened to him. He's not sure if he can trust her again and asked how I was able to trust Summer again. I didn't really have an answer. It just takes time. Our situation wasn't exactly the same, just eerily similar. So yesterday while I was downtown I happened to see his wife out in front of a bar getting touchy feely with a guy at the entrance. I have met his wife a few times and am 99% sure that it was her. So as someone that he has confided in about the situation should I tell him this? Or should I just keep quiet? I'm not sure what to do especially since she's not staying at the house anymore. Any thoughts?

In other news youngest son returned home on Fri. We drove to S.F. to get him and he was happy to be coming home. We had a good time driving home and went to see my parents after dinner. He hadn't seen them in 6 weeks. It was nice to have him home. But nothing really changed. We are just sitting here waiting for them to get the recommendation written up and sent to Kaiser. Then we will go from there to see what the next step is.

Well it's time to try to catch up on some reading. I've been negligent in that aspect as well as the posting aspect.

The lost art of dateing

As I had said in my post about the weekend getaway Miss Kick Ass Rack had hit on a topic that I wanted to discuss, but didn't want to ruin the good points of our weekend away together. In her post she describes an evening out with her husband without the kids. She feels like they have "forgotten how to date". Ironically I felt the same way when Summer and I returned from Reno.

I want to make one thing very clear though before I continue. We did have a wonderful time together. It was relaxing and nice to finally be alone. We really needed the time alone.

Here is the thing though. We really didn't talk much the entire time that we were gone. The drive up was spent listening to the radio. We held hands pretty much the entire time, but conversation was lacking. When we stopped for breakfast at Denny's we sat at the table in silence. Outside of asking if the other was liking the food. Or Summer asking me how my stomach was holding up.

When we got to Reno and got into our room again not much talk. We laid on the bed and almost instantly fell asleep. When we woke up we had a wonderful round of coupling, showered and went down to the casino. We walked around to various places for a little over an hour. Not much talking. Went back to our room and got ready for dinner. While we ate dinner again it was pretty much in silence.

Are you seeing a theme here?

I'll go ahead and spare you the rest of the details.

The point is that somewhere along the line we seem to have forgotten how to carry on a conversation that didn't revolve around the kids. I did feel connected to Summer while we were together but it also felt like something was missing. That something was conversation. It is something that I crave. But it is also something that I have forgotten how to do. There isn't just one of us that is to blame for this. It is both of us. It just seems awkward that with as little time that we do see each other on a regular basis that we have nothing to talk about.' Either we don't want to talk about it because we are on a "date night" (ie. kids, work) or we have already talked about it. How did we ever get to this point? Or maybe a better question would be when have we NOT been at this point.

Like things have always been between us the physical aspect of our relationship while on our getaway was wonderful. As has always been the case throughout our relationship the communication wasn't all that it could have been. In some ways I guess it's a good thing that we have difficulties in communication. It cuts down on the possibilities of an argument. At the same time it frightens me. Our kids won't live with us forever. When the boys move out of the house how will we communicate with each other? I don't want a life of living in the same house with the woman I love and have nothing to talk about. If things go like they have historically for us the sex will be good in the future, but like I said I want more than that. I'm just not sure how to change it.

I like to talk to people. Sometimes. But all the conversations I have are superficial. I don't really have any "deep" talks. That is another regret that I have. When I'm out with my dad whether it be hunting or fishing we have the perfect opportunity to have a meaningful conversation. We always let the chance slip through our grasp though. It's sad really.

For now this is about all I can write. My brain is getting jumbled with thoughts.

I know that I need to update on how things went on Fri. afternoons Dr. appointment. But I want to post about something good for a change. Something "happy". I want you all to know that things aren't all doom and gloom around here. We do in fact have some good times here as well. This weekend had a few of those good times packed into it.

On Fri. afternoon my dad made a unannounced visit to the house. Now usually this would send me into a deep well of differing emotions. I mean it was unannounced. The house was a mess. I had just had a very stressful day with Kaiser and dealing with the school. I just was not in the mood for visitors.

But it wasn't bad at all. We sat in the dining room and just talked for awhile. we talked a lot about the things that happened with youngest son the night before. He actually told me that Summer and I are doing a good job with the kids and are doing the best we can with what we have to deal with. It really made me feel good about myself. Especially coming from my dad. He's not really the type of person that talks a lot about stuff like this. So that actually made my night Fri. It has been so long since we had conversation that had meaning to it. Especially that didn't seem forced or anything like that. It was just natural like.

I actually look forward to more talks like this with my dad. Especially knowing my dad and how he is. Things like this don't come the easiest for him. For me either. I don't know how many times I have wanted to start a conversation with my dad but didn't do it. Just because I didn't know how to start the conversation or I was too scared.

First of all I got myself a new camcorder! I'm so stoked about it. Yes. I just said stoked. It is SOOOO cool. It records straight to DVD. The movies it takes come out so clear. It's amazing. It has a killer zoom too. 32X optical, 1000X digital. On Sat. I went to my parents house to help my dad put his new refrigerator inside (what a fiasco that was!) the house. While there I was showing them my new camcorder and showed them the movies I had taken with it. SO my dad starts talking about how nice the picture is and how cool it would be for him to have a camera like that for the trip he is leaving on this Fri. (he and his brother are driving to Alaska for a 6 week fishing trip). So then he tells my mom that he wants a camera exactly like that for his Fathers Day gift. That just made me feel even better about my camera. For once I have something that he wants! It's usually my dad having something that I then decide 'I have to have one of those too!'. Not his time. What moral booster.

Yes. I know I'm weird like that.

Then Sat. night when Summer got home from work her and I spent over an hour at VS looking for new clothes. She ended up using her entire GC that I gave her for her birthday that night. I can't wait for the clothes to get here.

Oh did I mention that we were in bed when we were looking there?

I didn't?

Ok. Well while we were looking at VS we were in bed. Wearing only what we came to this earth with. When we finished looking it led to some amazing adult activities. She was writhing around on the bad for quite some time just from my fingers. When I finally got inside of her it was like she couldn't have me deep enough. We both climaxed together and just collapsed. I couldn't move a muscle. Let me tell you something: I slept like a rock that night! Almost every time Summer saw me on Sun. she would thank me for Sat. and tell me how much she enjoyed herself.

Sun. was a pretty slow day. In fact I can't remember much about what happened on Sun. at all. Summer and the kids went to church. But the rest of the day is pretty much a blank. That is except for the last half hour before I went to work in the afternoon.

I went out to the garage to butcher my hair again. Went in the house and shaved and showered. You know usual before work routine stuff. Then when I got out of the shower Summer was in the room and the door was closed. The kids were in the pool swimming, and Summer kept saying how sexy I was and just sat on the edge of the bed. So I bent over to kiss her. That led to me undressing her. Of course that led to MORE great sex! Except for the fact that her phone kept ringing. Usually this is a bad sign. But not this time. She was as frustrated as me. She just answered and said that she would have to call them back and hung up. We never lost a beat. So that made for a very relaxing night at work last night.

So you see? There are still some good things that happen around here. It's not all doom and gloom. It just seems that the good times are too few and far between right now.

Dilema time

That's right friends. I'm in a bit of a dilemma. A conundrum if you will.

You see here's the problem. I used to use this blog as a place that I could go to so that I could vent my frustrations and what have you. But I'm finding it harder and harder to do that here. Take my last post for example. I just don't feel that this is the place that I can vent some of my true feelings anymore. I can vent issues with work, my parents, and society in general. But I feel that I can no longer talk about things that upset me and hurt my feelings when Summer is concerned.

She reads every single post that I write. Most them she reads as I'm writing them over my shoulder. So that's part of my dilemma. The other part of the dilemma is that I really don't want to get into a he said she said thing here. Maybe that's not the correct wording. Many of my readers read what she has to say along with reading me. I'm just starting to see the down side to having us both blog.

I guess my point here (if there really is a point) is that I love my wife with all my heart. But as in everything marriage has it's ups and downs. I like to be able to write about both here. It just seems like it's getting harder and harder to write the downs that we go through. Maybe it's because I spent so many years being nothing but negative. I've really tried to to be a better person for her and for the kids the last few years. I feel that if I do some venting here that I'm reverting to my old ways again. I don't want Summer to feel that I am doing that to her either. On the same token as that I know that it will do absolutely no good to keep it all inside.

Did I make any sense?

13

13 years ago an amazing thing happened. Summer Rose said 'I do'. We celebrate 13 years of marriage today. I still feel the same today as I did 13 years ago as we drove to Reno to get married. I'm the luckiest man on earth. Never again will I take that for granted.

Summer I love you with all my heart. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and I am thankful for that every day of my life. I just hope I can make you as happy as you have made me.

With all my love.
Jeremy

Sex Quiz

I've seen this quiz a few different places. So I decided to go ahead and take the test myself. Below is the actual quiz and the answers that I gave.

1. How often do you and your partner have sex (on average)?
Not in the last year (1 point)
Several times a year (2 points)
Once or twice a month (3 points)
X Once or twice a week (4 points)
Four or five times a week (5 points)

2. What are the longest periods you have gone without having sex together?
7 months to a year or more (1 point)
3-6 months (2 points)
1-2 months (3 points)
X 2-3 weeks (4 points)
A week (5 points)

3. Just how passionate and erotic is your sexual relationship?
Sex is non-existent (1 point)
Sex is passionless, mechanical, and non-erotic (2 points)
Sex is friendly but predictable and uninspired, lacking in creativity and spontaneity (3 points)
X Sex is pretty steamy (4 points)
If it got any hotter, our bed might catch fire (5 points)

4. How much intimacy and emotional connection is present when you have sex?
Sex is an intense meeting of our minds and souls, and not just our bodies. (5 points)
X Sex is a little personal, but much of "who I am sexually" never really shows. (4 points)
Sex is mostly on trading orgasms. (3 points)
There is no joining. I spend most of my time fantasizing about other partners, or thinking about other things. (2 points)
Sex is non-existent (1 point)

5. Do you and your partner structure your relationship to avoid sex and intimacy?
We go to bed at the same time and use it as a time to connect including sexually. (5 points)
X We go to bed at the same time and connect, but it rarely leads to sex. (4 points)
We go to bed at the same time, but there is no physical or emotional connection between us. (3 points)
We go to bed at different times to avoid having sex. (2 points)
We sleep in different bedrooms or live apart much of the time. (1 point)

6. How often do you and your partner kiss during sex?
X We kiss multiple times in almost every sexual encounter (5 points)
We kiss at least once in three quarters of our sexual encounters (4 points)
We kiss at least once in half of our sexual encounters (3 points)
We rarely kiss when we have sex (2 points)
We never have sex (1 point)

7. Do you and your partner ever have eyes-open sex?
X I and/or my partner sometimes have orgasms while looking into each others eyes. (5 points)
We sometimes make eye-contact during sex. (4 points)
We open our eyes, but never make eye-contact. (3 points)
One or both of us keep our eyes closed during sex. (2 points)
We never have sex (1 point)

8. Do you and/or your partner have sexual dysfunctions (problems with lubrication or erections, or orgasms)?
Neither of us have difficulty getting aroused or having orgasms. (5 points)
X I am (and/or my partner is) slow to arouse, but once we get started, we don't have any difficulties. (4 points)
One or both of us occasionally have difficulty with arousal and/or orgasms. (3 points)
One or both of us frequently have difficulty with arousal and/or orgasms. (2 points)
We never have sex (1 point)

9. Do you or your partner struggle with low desire to have sex (before you start)?
Almost always (1 point)

Usually (2 points)

Sometimes (3 points)

Rarely (4 points)

X Never (5 points)


10. Do you or your partner have problems with lack of desire during sex?
Almost always (1 point)

Usually (2 points)

Sometimes (3 points)

Rarely (4 points)

X Never (5 points)


YOUR SCORE IS: 44

Summer took this test as well. She did not see any of the answers that I gave and I was not in the room when she took the test. She got a score of 45 points. I must admit though that I answered number 2 based on our relationship over the bulk of our marriage and not the first 5 months of our marriage. At that point we didn't have sex from March 20th (8 days after our wedding) to July 25th (when I came home from boot camp). I don't count that period because we didn't choose to not have sex. If we were together we would most definitely have been making sweet sweet love. Oh yeah.

Well I did it again. Even though I told myself not to. I even promised myself last year that I wouldn't do it ever again. I told Summer for a few weeks that I wasn't going to do it.

Do what?

Get a Valentines present for her. After the debacle that was last year I was through.

Then the day got closer and closer. I realized that it was very petty and child like of me to act in that way. So I found a gift that was very romantic. i thought that this would be the perfect gift. If I were a woman this would be exactly what I would want from the man that loves me.

So I ordered her gift on Mon. Paid extra money to have guaranteed delivery for V-day. That's when the first problem hit. The dam storms back on the east coast delayed the delivery. So much for guaranteed delivery.

It did get here today though. It was delivered to my parents house so that she would not see it. I picked it up and made sure it was the right thing. Came home and presented it to Summer. As is usual for me when I have a gift for her I am excited and happy. Just for the fact that I have a gift for her to show my love. I LOVE to give gifts! She opens it and gets upset. Again! That's 2 years in a row that this has happened.

So why should I bother with giving gifts anymore? Seriously. Our anniversary is in a few weeks, and a few weeks after that is her birthday. But apparently I suck at giving gifts so why bother? Why continue to set myself up for failure and humiliation? All those people that blog about how much V-day sucks and is just for businesses to make money are right. Not even a card next year. I'm DONE!

Ever have one......

......of those nights? You know where you have all these thoughts running through your head? Well that's where I'm at right now.

There are several things going through my head right now that are things to post about. But none of them are able to be stand alone posts. I just can't formulate them into something that can really be good to be one post alone. So I guess what I'm going to do is just give little snippets of the things running through my head right now. I apologize in advance if this post makes no sense what so ever or bounces all over the place. It don't even make sense to me!

First off we got out state tax return today. Like I said a few days ago- 'If you don't use E-file why not?' I filed last Sat. Check was deposited this morning in my checking account. It's the only way to go.

That being said we just had to go spend that money today. I paid off a credit card that we used for Christmas presents. 50% of the check gone. *SNAP* Just like that. After that check was written Summer decided that she wanted to get out of the house. So I washed her hair for her in the kitchen sink, gave her a bath/sponge bath, and helped her to get dressed. The boys were complaining about how hungry they were but I had plans. no time to stop and eat. Let's go!

First stop was the barber. I needed a hair cut badly. So did youngest. Afterwards I took the family out for a very late breakfast. It was more like lunch since it was after 12 by the time we got to the restaurant. After that we went to my favorite store. Wal-Mart. We got some things we really needed. Clothes, fishing licenses, you know. The necessities.

I was feeling really good about things. I took my family out for a really good breakfast. Bought them things they needed and wanted. Things were going beyond good. They were excellent. Then we went to work World so that I could buy my first pair of work boots in over 18 months. Not only were they my pair of new boots but they were the first pair of boots that I have paid more than 18 dollars for in over 7 years. I desperately needed work boots. My old ones had holes between the upper and the sole. They both leaked badly. My small toe was ready to pop out of my right boot.

So I got a pair of boots that were a little more than I wanted to spend. 70 bucks. I was alone when I picked them out. Summer was in the truck resting. I was supposed to get myself a new pair of jeans as well. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So as I'm paying for the boots Summer comes in with the boys. She asks me where the jeans are. I told her that I couldn't bring myself to get them. She said that I should get them because I need them. She also said that the money for the boots was fine. I needed them. So that was a good thing.

Then on the way home it hit me. I started feeling kinda low. I don't know what brought it on. I just started thinking about the money that we just spent and I got this low feeling.

That got me to thinking. When I was spending the money I was in this almost euphoric state. then after the money was spent I went straight down. It's always been like that. I just never saw it till now. Now I just need to figure out what it all means.

Well look at that. That almost made a post unto itself.

Secondly things are driving me fucking insane at home. I'm going crazy! Summer has been sleeping in the living room since she got home from the hospital. I'm not able to hold her close when I hug her. When I do hug her I can't think about just enjoying the holding her. Instead I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt her. There really is something to be said about the lack of physical contact affecting your moods. That and the lack of sleep. I can't sleep without her in bed with me. I need to be able to hold her to fall asleep. I'm getting up in the middle of the night to help Summer get off the couch so she can walk around the house to keep her legs from cramping.

I'm NOT complaining about this. It's just taking it's toll on me.

Lastly this one is kinda irritating me. For the last5 days I've been busting my ass doing everything here. But then when the kids do something I'm the one that gets their head snapped off. What the hell is that about? I'm not the one doing something wrong. But I'm the one that is getting snapped at for no reason at all. This is really taking it's toll on both of us.

So how much longer till things go back to normal around here?

The greatest wife

I challenge anyone to tell me that they have a greater wife than I do.

Any takers?


Anyone?





No?





Good. I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone.

So why is Summer the greatest wife? Because through all the troubles we have gone through in the past 2 weeks with our children she still has the ability to remain the loving woman I married 12 years ago. Sure there have been many tears shed in the past week over issues that were out of our control but she still has remained strong after the tears have fallen. She still has her faith. That is something that I truly love the most in her. Her faith. I may not be a "believer" in the eyes of many many people. But it don't mean that I have no respect or admiration for those that have an unwavering faith.

So what has she done to make me so happy lately? Let's see here............. For starters she tells me several times a day that she loves me. She gives me hugs, kisses and love, every day when I walk in the door from work. She makes me feel like I'm the best person I can possibly be. She's really turned very playful as of late.

Take yesterday for example. We were sending some text messages to each other. When she sent what she thought was her last one she sent an animation of a person sticking out his tongue. That started an hour and a half text message marathon between the two of us. It lasted until I walked in the door from work. At which point I took her to our bedroom, took off her clothes, laid her on the bed and played wonderful mouth music on her southern regions. Which led to us having wonderful hot animal sex. She even talked dirty to me. Very, VERY HOT!

Afterwards she made me the happiest that I have been in a very long time. She attended my therapy appointment with me last night. Even more importantly she opened up and talked! She talked more in an hour last night than she did for the 7-8 appointments we had in marriage counseling 4 years ago. She even said that she will return to the next one next month. We had a great time last night at the appointment. We both laughed a lot when we were talking. The feeling continued for the rest of the night as we finally started our Christmas shopping. Unfortunately we're not even half way done. We've still got a lot more gifts to buy for the kids, my parents, my sister, my grandma, and a certain diamond ring I've got my eye on for that special someone in my life,. ;-)