My week away part 2

    So when I last was telling you about my time away from Summer and our home, I was fighting visions of Summer and douche bag having sex on my bed. I had what I needed and went to my parents house. As I was driving to get there I could feel and anxiety attack coming on. My heart was racing, everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I felt like everything was caving in around me.

    I got to my parents house and really didn't say that much to them. I through my stuff and my dogs stuff in my moms bedroom (my parents sleep in separate rooms for at least 15 -16 years). Went to the garage and loaded my fishing stuff, beer and vodka into my dads van. I wasn't playing around. When I walked back in the house my mom asked me if I had eaten anything yet for breakfast. I lied and told her I had a granola bar. Apparently Mother Hen called her when she woke up for school and saw that I was gone. She told my mom to make sure that I was eating. 

    I really love my niece. She was looking out for me and still does.

    Once everything was loaded up in my dads van we drove off to the marina where his boat was when he bought it. We got everything loaded into the boat and got it ready to travel. The move took us a little over 3.5 hours. My dad had me drive all way to the new marina in Antioch while he walked around the boat and cleaned windows, and organized things. When we got to within .5 mile of the marina we stopped and started fishing for a bit. While we were fishing and I was no longer operating the boat, that's when I started drinking beer and vanilla vodka with Cherry Pepsi. I was just screwing around on facebook posting pictures. Not really talking much. That's the thing with my dad and I. We don;t really talk much when we spend time together fishing or hunting. We just sat out there with the dogs fishing and I was trying to drink enough to keep my mind off of what was happening.

    We only fished for about 2 hours because we had to get to the marina and pay for the slip and meet my mom there to give us a ride back to my dads van. We got the boat taken care of and met my mom. We talked a little bit on the way back back I don't remember what was said really. I was still drinking my Pepsi vodka mix since it was in a Pepsi bottle and I was a passenger.

    After we dropped my dad off at his van, I rode with my mom back to their house. We talked a bit on the way. I told her that I had contacted a lawyer while I was at my sisters house. I then told her that I made a mistake in my deep state of depression while I was at my sisters. I told her that I contacted my life insurance company and removed Summer from my primary beneficiary. I added our oldest son at 50% and each of our nieces at 25%.

    Back at the house I helped with dinner and the dishes. Kept drinking beer and then sat with them in the living room. They were watching Jeopardy. I was just looking at my tablet. Seeing if Summer was online or not on Facebook. Suddenly I saw a notification that caught my eye. A friend from High school had saw a picture that I posted earlier and said "Hey!" Seeing that made me get excited. She was a very close friend in high school. We never dated, but until I met Summer she was the person that I wanted to be with.

    She asked me how things were, how's Summer and the kids. She obviously hadn't seen any of the posts that i had posted recently. I replied to her on the post that things weren't good. he then message me in FB Messenger. This was at about 7:30 that evening. We ended up talking to each other till 2:30 in the morning. I told her everything that was going on. Actually I told her a little to fast and she couldn't keep up with the reading I was ending messages so fast. She ended up telling me to stop typing and just let her ask questions. The amazing thing was that she could read and understand my drunk typing. But she was well into a bottle of wine at the time so that may have helped. I ended up telling her everything. About all the times Summer cheated on me. About us having virtual sex with other people in the past. About us have another man in our bed.

    She told me about her marriage and her divorce. How her husband cheated on her and she cheated on her husband. How they tried to bring other people into their bedroom to help the marriage and it only made it worse. 

    I told her I can't even watch an adult video online because I feel like i am cheating on Summer. hat just the act of talking with her that night made me feel like i was cheating on Summer and I felt guilty. We weren't doing anything wrong, but I still felt like I was betraying Summer in some way. I told her this and she said that don't make sense. It's like we are going to do anything. We were talking and catching up on the last 20 years.

    Taking a quick trip back a few hours, my dads dog was all over me the entire time that I was there. When I left the living room to go the bedroom to talk to my friend he started whining. Whenever I would leave the room to get another beer he would try to follow me back but my dad kept him in the living room. At some point my parents went to bed and my dads dog kept scratching at the door. So he let him out of his bedroom and he came to my moms room where I was and started whining at the door. I let him in and he laid with me all night. This is unusual only because my dog really didn't like him laying with me when she was trying to sleep. But that night it didn't bother her. They started out on either side of me both pressed up as close as they could get while I was typing away with my friend. Then once I turned out the light and attempted to sleep, my dog got on the other side and pressed half her body against me and they other half against my dads dog.

    The next morning when I decided to walk into the living room around 6:30, both dogs went to the bathroom and then my dads dog decided that he was going to take over my dogs bed. It was a bit too small for him.

    I talked to my mom about the friend that I was up talking to all night and she was trying to remember her. Then I started asking about one of their friends to see if they knew a certain couple and they did. Apparently my dad plays golf with my friends step dads brother-in-law. That's important because she was coming up for Thanksgiving and was going to be 3 blocks from my parents house. We had planned to meet up on thanksgiving Day so I could meet her new boyfriend and see her mom and talk.

    I texted Summer around 10:30 or so to tell her I was coming home that day. It was Fri. and her day off. She said fine just stay out of her way. That's the welcome home I was hoping for. I got a razor from my mom so I could shave, take a shower and go home. My mom then asked why I shaved. AI said in part 1, I had a full beard up to a few days prior and my goatee went to my chest. I told her I don't know why. I went to cut my hair and next thing I know I was cutting off everything. The truth is, I did it because I hate the way I look without facial hair. I hated the way I felt and wanted my outside to match what I was feeling on the inside. 

    That was back in October. It is now Feb. and I still shave every 3-4 days. Everything from my head to my face. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did back then, but there are times that I still feel like shit. Last night for instance. I was reading something about rebuilding trust and I was fighting the urge to cry and was telling Summer that nothing was wrong.

    So right about the time I was getting ready to leave my dad calls and tells me not to leave yet. He had a golf buddy that was giving away a leather recliner. As I had been wanting a recliner for quite awhile I was very interested in getting it. So I hung around and waited for him to finish his round of golf and we went to his friends house and got the recliner.

    After we had the recliner loaded in my truck I thanked his friend and left. I went back to my parents house to finish getting my stuff and I drove home. The entire drive home I was shaking. My stomach was all knotted up. My palms were sweaty. I was scared. I was mad. I was afraid of what I would be coming home to.

    I got home, grabbed my stuff from the truck (all I had was a duffle bag and the dogs bed) and walked in the door...………….

My week away Part 1

                Where did I leave off last post about how Summer has been cheating on me? AGAIN.............. Oh yeah, I had just left the house to go stay with my sister for a few days. As I was driving to Sacramento, I called my dad. He had wanted me to help him move his boat that he recently bought from one dock in Isleton to a new dock in Antioch. It’s a bigger boat than either of us have ever driven and he didn’t want to maneuver it alone in the slip. Anyways, that is getting off track and away from the point.

                Si I called him to see when he wanted to move the boat and to tell him I was going to be at my sisters for a few days. While I am talking to him, I started to break down. He asked what was wrong and I told him that everything was falling apart, and I needed to be away. The more I talked to more I broke down. He asked me to stop by his place first. I really didn’t want to but after he asked again, I agreed. I turned around and went to my parents’ house. Once there I told them what was going on. I told them that I wasn’t willing to “share” Summer.

                They asked what I meant because apparently, they thought I meant something completely different. They thought it was a swinger type of sharing. While thought is there, it’s not something I think I could do. I did NOT tell them that she cheated on me more than once. Anyways I talked with them for a short time and left again to go to my sisters.

                Oh, I forgot that during the day before I left the house, I called my therapist and left an urgent message for her to call me back. She called and I told her what was going on and she suggested that I remove myself from the situation for a while, and that she would call me in 2 days to talk more. I asked her to get me in to see the psychiatrist to talk about meds since the one I had before I got off the meds had retired. She suggested that I email my personal physician to get on the meds faster. This was all in morning around 9 or so. I left my parents around 330.

After leaving my parents to head to Sac, I called Kaiser to talk to the advice nurse. I explained what was going on and again broke down while talking to her. I looked down at my hand and saw my wedding ring wasn’t there. I haven’t worn it since Oct. 26 and it still kills me to not see it there. When I drive or am nervous, I would always play with it. It would calm me down or help keep me awake while driving. Now it was gone. I still to this day go to spin it or take it off and rotate it before putting it back on.

Off track again. She was asking if I was OK and if I was in a safe place. I told her I was driving to my sister’s house so I could be in a better place. I told her that I had emailed my Dr. and that he hadn’t gotten back to me, and that I needed to get back on the meds ASAP. She said that she was going to put in a referral to the on-call Dr. because it would be faster than waiting for my Dr. to respond to an email.

About 15 minutes after I hung up with the advice nurse the Dr. called me. He put in a prescription to have me back on one of the anti-depressants and the sleeping pills. Once I got off the phone with him, I called my sister and told her I was almost there. I wanted to know if my nieces (17 and 13) new why I was going to be staying with them. She said that my younger niece new why because she heard me when I arrived in the middle of the night on Sun. Our older niece was just told that I was needing some time away since she wasn’t home when I was there on Sun.

I felt bad. I didn’t want my younger niece to know what was going on. Summer, niece and I were always close since we first met. We would take her camping and she would come stay with us before Christmas to make cookies or just to spend time with us. I feel like both of our nieces are more like daughters to me, but there seems to be more of a connection with our youngest niece. I’m always sending her text messages with dad jokes since we have the same sense of humor.

After my sister got off work, we went to Kaiser to pick up my meds and went to Home depot to get some stuff for her house. Since I was going to be there for a few days she wanted me to help her out in the garage. They just moved into the house in July and still hadn’t gotten the garage set up. I called Summer to let her know how much money I spent at Kaiser so she could put it in checkbook other wise we would end up going negative.

That night was pretty uneventful. They ordered pizza for dinner. I really didn’t feel like eating anything. I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch. I just had no appetite. My stomach was growling like it was hungry, but if I was feeling hungry and stomach was hurting then I wouldn’t feel the pain of being away from Summer and she had done. Youngest niece however wouldn’t have it. She made sure that I ate at least 1 piece of pizza.

She was like that the entire week I was there. She is home schooled so she was there the whole time. Every time it was time for a meal, she would make sure that I at least had a few bites of food. She wouldn’t let up until I took a few bites. Then when the meal was done, and I would try to help her with the dishes she would get mad and start pushing me out of the kitchen. Telling me to go sit on the couch. I was a guest in the house it was not my place to help with dishes. I would tell her that I was a guest in their house, staying there for a few days and I couldn’t just sit there while there were dishes to be done. She just didn’t understand that I had been sitting on the couch all day. I needed to be up doing something. I ended up sitting down though to make her happy.

On Tue. my therapist called me to check in and see how I was doing. She was able to get me an appointment with her in 2 weeks for full 1-hour phone call instead of just a short check in call. When I got off the phone with her, I called my employee group legal services plan to speak to a lawyer. They took my info and said that a lawyer would call me within the hour. I then called my life insurance company to change beneficiaries. After seeing Summer say that she wanted me dead so she could collect the life insurance there was no way I was going to keep her as the beneficiary. So the new beneficiaries are our oldest son at 50% and our nieces at 25% each. There is a reason that I did not include our youngest son as beneficiary, but I’m not going to go into detail about that right now. I’ll go into that detail once I feel that this crisis is over. One crisis at a time.

A lawyer called me and gave me options. Something I forgot to say about the night I found out was that I kept telling Summer that she will get everything she wants. She wants to be with someone else and she’s getting it. She decides she don’t want to be with me, and she will get it. It takes two people to enter a marriage but only one person to end it. Pretty fucked up. The courts will automatically give her a large portion of my paychecks for the rest of her life since we have been married for more than 10 years. She will also get 50% of my retirement. She fucking wins and gets everything she wants while I get screwed. She’s the one who cheated on me for a fucking year and she gets rewarded for it! She told me several times that night that she didn’t want my retirement.

When I talked to the lawyer, he told me that I needed to act fast and file for a divorce immediately. Especially while she was “feeling guilty” and was saying she didn’t want anything to do with my retirement. He then emailed me a checklist of what I needed to do for filing for a divorce and how to prepare.

It wasn’t anything that I really wanted to hear. I still don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to file for a divorce. I want to stay married because I love her. I just can’t keep letting her cheat on me. Because she has cheated on me again, it shows that I don’t matter as much to her as she does to me. It also shows me that as much as her sexting someone else when I am being told what is going on turns me on, I don’t think that is going to be an option anymore. She takes it too far. She creates an emotional connection and tells things that she shouldn’t.

Back to the story. Tue. was uneventful. I sat on the couch all day. Watched a little Netflix (Bill Burr, Bert Kreischer) to try and cheer me up but it did no good. Watched my sister play Red Dead Redemption 2 on the PlayStation and gave her some pointers. Once my sister finished work for the day we went to the garage and put some shelves together and got it semi organized. After that I just went into the den and sat in the dark for awhile and started crying. After I couldn’t take that anymore I took my dog out for a walk. We walked about a mile at a fast pace. I don’t know where we went. I just walked. I got back in the house and sat back on the couch in the den for little bit more before I felt comfortable enough to go back to the living room with the rest of the family. We then played with her Oculus VR gaming system. I SSSOOOOOO want one of those. Although my sister, her wife and youngest niece were upset that the walk the plank game didn’t affect me. I’m scared of heights, but the game didn’t scare me.

Wed. afternoon our dad came up to help me put the dryer up on a pedestal. We talked for a little bit. He asked me to go to his place the next day in the morning so we could go fishing and move his boat. The other thing that happened while he was there is unimportant to the story of Summer and I, but it is funny in the end so I’m going to tell it.

My dad recently got a new phone and he was trying to connect their nest doorbell to it. My sister connected it to the phone and for some reason she was showing him different features that can be done. She connected her doorbell to his phone. She forgot to disconnect it though before he left.

Later that night oldest niece came home from being out with her boyfriend and she had said that earlier in the day she fell and hit her head. Her speech was slurring, and she was feeling dizzy. Sister, her wife and niece went to bedroom to discuss the issue. A few minutes later I was called in and niece was excused to living room. They said they needed another adults input. Sister’s wife wanted to just take her to the ER. Sister said that they should call 911 and have her taken to hospital in ambulance. She would get seen a lot faster and they had already spent their out of pocket limit so it wouldn’t cost them anything. They wanted my opinion.

I told them if it was me, I would call 911. Especially if it would get my child seen faster. You don’t want to mess around with head injuries. They called oldest niece in and we explained to her why we were calling the ambulance and not to panic. She agreed and went to tell her boyfriend. We then had to tell youngest niece (we’ll call he mother hen from now on) so that she would not panic.

By this time, it was 1030. Sister-in-law called 911 and they sent an ambulance. In the meantime, boyfriend and oldest were going in and out of house setting off the ring. Then fire truck arrived set off the ring again as they were going in and out. Then ambulance arrives and they bring the gurney in. This is setting off the ring on my sister and S-I-L phone like crazy. Then after a bit they take oldest niece out of the house on the gurney and the house is quiet. It’s just sister, Mother Hen and I in the house. Sister starts to mop the entire house because S-I-L is a germaphobe.  Then around 1130 I receive a text form my dad asking if oldest niece is OK what’s going on?   

I asked my sister how he knew something was going on? Did niece put something on FB? My sister looked at her phone and saw that dad had been texting her from the first time a response person entered the house. Apparently, he was thinking that something had happened with me. So, sister called him and asked how he found out what was going on and he said that he saw everything on his phone through the ring app. He thought it was his ring going off. It was going off so frequently that my parents’ dogs were going crazy. She explained what was going on and then took him off her ring camera. S-I-L and niece came home around 1:30/2:00 and she was fine. The whole time Mother Hen, sister and I were sitting around waiting Mother Hen kept laughing saying that the ring told on us.

I think that was a pretty funny story. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. It could be that you just had to be there.

The reason that my dad thought something was going on with me was because when he was there earlier in the day, I had talked to him about something that I had been concerned about. I had been having so many panic/anxiety attacks that I was losing track. I would be laying down on the couch in the middle of the night and my heart would feel like I had just run a mile. I would use the Samsung Health app on my phone and check my heart rate and it would be in anywhere between the 160’s to the low 200’s. That is laying down for over an hour doing nothing. I did pretty much nothing the entire time I was there. It would last like that for hours at a time. I would feel like the room around me was getting bigger and I was shrinking to the size of an ant. My heart was pounding out of chest. The ticking of the clock was extremely loud. The room was spinning. I couldn’t move. It felt like I was being held down and my limbs were bound tight to my body. I couldn’t move my head. Only my eyes could move. There wasn’t a headache, but I could feel throbbing in my head. My dog was laying between my legs, but I couldn’t move her or open my mouth.

I can remember having feelings like this since I was a little kid. I can still remember the first time I can remember feeling this. I was about 4 years old, and my grandma was spending the night. She was sleeping in my room, so I had to sleep on the couch in the living room. I woke up in the middle of the night and had the same feeling. I was scared and wanted to call for my mom, but I couldn’t open my mouth to call for her. I was afraid of the dark as a child and there was no way that I would walk through the house in the dark to get here even if I could move. The only difference between the feeling as a child and this time was that it has never happened for as long as it did this time. It never happened in the daytime. It was always at night. Since Oct. 24 it happens any time of the day. Sometimes I won’t even be thinking about the issues in my marriage and it would start. It used to never happen more than a few times a year. Now it happens multiple times a day sometimes for an entire week.  Even now after almost 2 months of knowing it is still happening. Not as often, the feelings don’t last as long, and are not as strong as they were the first few weeks of knowing, but they still happen.

Back to the story. We all went to bed as soon as S-I-L and niece got home. By 6:00 the next morning I was awake and loading my truck to head to my parent’s house to spend Thu. night there and move my dad’s boat. On the way I stopped at our house since Summer was not home so I could drop off the dirty clothes and pick up my fishing license, fishing pole and tackle box. When I walked into the house, I saw that there was a fucking bouquet of flowers on the table. I wanted to know who they were from but didn’t want to talk to Summer either.  My mind raced. I thought that fucking douchebag knew that I was gone and came to the house to fuck my wife and brought her flowers. I kept picturing Summer and him in MY bed. I couldn’t get out of the house soon enough.

That’s all for this post. I started this on Tue., and it is now Thu. I will go over what happened at my parent’s house in the next post along with going back home on Fri. Till next time.

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Something happy

As I stated earlier this week, I was going to post something that was happy and upbeat. So here it goes. I must apologize though because I will be fast forwarding to last Fri. Dec. 4^th. Summer and I were having a really bad day. We had been arguing all day since I came home from work early. The arguing went from 9:30 in the morning to almost 6:00 at night. Then my sister called and said that she needed me to be on speaker phone and that Summer needed to sit down. Once I got inside the house and got Summer to sit down, my sister told us what she was receiving as an “early Christmas present”.

                 She told us that our step niece is pregnant! It instantly made me start smiling and begin to laugh and I was ssssoooo excited and happy for the first time in over a month. We were both extremely happy. We are going to be Great Aunt and Great Uncle! It does not matter that our niece is 17. I am going to be a part of the baby’s life from the beginning. I am going to be there for everything that I missed with both of my nieces since I did not meet them until they were 10 and 7.

I still need to have a serious talk with her boyfriend, and it is actually fun this past week knowing that he is afraid of what I want to talk to him about. I told him that even though they are not my daughters I still love both of my nieces as if they were my daughters. Especially since I wanted a daughter, but it was not in the cards for Summer and me. I also want to have serious talk with my niece as well. I’m not mad at them. I just want to talk to them and make sure they don’t rush into anything just because she’s pregnant. I don’t want them to end up like Summer and I in 10 years or more because one or both regrets being married so young and missing out on life (like is the case with Summer).

When my sister told my niece that I was actually excited about her having a baby, my niece was actually relieved. I went to there house on Sat. for my younger niece’s dance recital and intended to talk to them both then, but it didn’t work out. I will try again tomorrow night when we all go out looking at Christmas lights.

That phone call changed Summer and I for the rest of the night. We stooped arguing and she started to answer me with actual answers instead of silence and I don’t know.

So that is all for now. I don’t have anything else positive to say at the moment so I will go ahead and sign out.