.......I am pig.
Some things just can't be helped. I am a visual person. When I see something that catches my attention I can't help but notice it. Unfortunately it don't stop there at noticing it. It captivates me. Consumes me. I find myself fighting the urge to stare at it. Trust me when I say that I am not proud of this fact. I really don't like it. It is a part of what makes me.......well........me.
What am I talking about some of you may be saying. Others may know exactly what I'm talking about.
For now though I'm afraid that I must leave it at that and got to work.
Showing posts with label self discovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self discovery. Show all posts
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
The lost art of dateing
As I had said in my post about the weekend getaway Miss Kick Ass Rack had hit on a topic that I wanted to discuss, but didn't want to ruin the good points of our weekend away together. In her post she describes an evening out with her husband without the kids. She feels like they have "forgotten how to date". Ironically I felt the same way when Summer and I returned from Reno.
I want to make one thing very clear though before I continue. We did have a wonderful time together. It was relaxing and nice to finally be alone. We really needed the time alone.
Here is the thing though. We really didn't talk much the entire time that we were gone. The drive up was spent listening to the radio. We held hands pretty much the entire time, but conversation was lacking. When we stopped for breakfast at Denny's we sat at the table in silence. Outside of asking if the other was liking the food. Or Summer asking me how my stomach was holding up.
When we got to Reno and got into our room again not much talk. We laid on the bed and almost instantly fell asleep. When we woke up we had a wonderful round of coupling, showered and went down to the casino. We walked around to various places for a little over an hour. Not much talking. Went back to our room and got ready for dinner. While we ate dinner again it was pretty much in silence.
Are you seeing a theme here?
I'll go ahead and spare you the rest of the details.
The point is that somewhere along the line we seem to have forgotten how to carry on a conversation that didn't revolve around the kids. I did feel connected to Summer while we were together but it also felt like something was missing. That something was conversation. It is something that I crave. But it is also something that I have forgotten how to do. There isn't just one of us that is to blame for this. It is both of us. It just seems awkward that with as little time that we do see each other on a regular basis that we have nothing to talk about.' Either we don't want to talk about it because we are on a "date night" (ie. kids, work) or we have already talked about it. How did we ever get to this point? Or maybe a better question would be when have we NOT been at this point.
Like things have always been between us the physical aspect of our relationship while on our getaway was wonderful. As has always been the case throughout our relationship the communication wasn't all that it could have been. In some ways I guess it's a good thing that we have difficulties in communication. It cuts down on the possibilities of an argument. At the same time it frightens me. Our kids won't live with us forever. When the boys move out of the house how will we communicate with each other? I don't want a life of living in the same house with the woman I love and have nothing to talk about. If things go like they have historically for us the sex will be good in the future, but like I said I want more than that. I'm just not sure how to change it.
I like to talk to people. Sometimes. But all the conversations I have are superficial. I don't really have any "deep" talks. That is another regret that I have. When I'm out with my dad whether it be hunting or fishing we have the perfect opportunity to have a meaningful conversation. We always let the chance slip through our grasp though. It's sad really.
For now this is about all I can write. My brain is getting jumbled with thoughts.
I want to make one thing very clear though before I continue. We did have a wonderful time together. It was relaxing and nice to finally be alone. We really needed the time alone.
Here is the thing though. We really didn't talk much the entire time that we were gone. The drive up was spent listening to the radio. We held hands pretty much the entire time, but conversation was lacking. When we stopped for breakfast at Denny's we sat at the table in silence. Outside of asking if the other was liking the food. Or Summer asking me how my stomach was holding up.
When we got to Reno and got into our room again not much talk. We laid on the bed and almost instantly fell asleep. When we woke up we had a wonderful round of coupling, showered and went down to the casino. We walked around to various places for a little over an hour. Not much talking. Went back to our room and got ready for dinner. While we ate dinner again it was pretty much in silence.
Are you seeing a theme here?
I'll go ahead and spare you the rest of the details.
The point is that somewhere along the line we seem to have forgotten how to carry on a conversation that didn't revolve around the kids. I did feel connected to Summer while we were together but it also felt like something was missing. That something was conversation. It is something that I crave. But it is also something that I have forgotten how to do. There isn't just one of us that is to blame for this. It is both of us. It just seems awkward that with as little time that we do see each other on a regular basis that we have nothing to talk about.' Either we don't want to talk about it because we are on a "date night" (ie. kids, work) or we have already talked about it. How did we ever get to this point? Or maybe a better question would be when have we NOT been at this point.
Like things have always been between us the physical aspect of our relationship while on our getaway was wonderful. As has always been the case throughout our relationship the communication wasn't all that it could have been. In some ways I guess it's a good thing that we have difficulties in communication. It cuts down on the possibilities of an argument. At the same time it frightens me. Our kids won't live with us forever. When the boys move out of the house how will we communicate with each other? I don't want a life of living in the same house with the woman I love and have nothing to talk about. If things go like they have historically for us the sex will be good in the future, but like I said I want more than that. I'm just not sure how to change it.
I like to talk to people. Sometimes. But all the conversations I have are superficial. I don't really have any "deep" talks. That is another regret that I have. When I'm out with my dad whether it be hunting or fishing we have the perfect opportunity to have a meaningful conversation. We always let the chance slip through our grasp though. It's sad really.
For now this is about all I can write. My brain is getting jumbled with thoughts.
Friday, July 27, 2007
I don't know where the time has been going lately. I do know this though: there doesn't seem to be enough of it lately. I mean seriously think about it. Summer is almost over already. School starts again in a few weeks. Aug. 22 I believe. What do we have to show for this years summer vacation time? NOTHING! We haven't done squat this summer. no family vacation like usual. We usually take a trip to Tahoe a few weeks before school starts. Not this year. There just isn't enough money. That and the fact that I'm running dangerously low on vacation time. Things have just sucked it down big time this year. Between Dr. appointments, Summer's surgery, and coming home early to take care of youngest son it's just getting drained. I've got just over 2 weeks but I like to keep that in reserve. I see 100 hours of vacation as zero. Especially when there is only 40 hours of sick leave.
That last paragraph bored the hell out of you all didn't it. It's ok. Admit it. It bored me and I'm the one that wrote it.
Anyways I have a few things on my mind. Unfortunately they aren't enough to make a stand alone post. So it's time for the bullet post!
That last paragraph bored the hell out of you all didn't it. It's ok. Admit it. It bored me and I'm the one that wrote it.
Anyways I have a few things on my mind. Unfortunately they aren't enough to make a stand alone post. So it's time for the bullet post!
- As I have eluded to previously I'm not a small person. Weight has always been an issue with me. In fact that is why I was kicked out of the Army.I was over weight. Don't take into account that from the day I signed up and the day that I was booted out I lost 80 pounds. I went from a size 42 down to a 36. Then when I left I ballooned right back up there. A few years ago, 2003I believe, I started a new diet. I did the Adkins thing. You know the diet where you eat meat and stuff but no carbs. That means no bread or potatoes. No beer or soda. I did dam good though. I started in June and stopped for the Christmas holiday. Went from 280 down to 206. Once again I was in a size 36. The intention was to go back on the diet after Christmas. Never happened. Now? Now I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. Just over 300. Plus my waist is a 44 now. I have tried various diets through the years and none of them worked except for the Adkins. I can't give up bread or potatoes again though. So now I'm considering something else. My neighbor had a gastric bypass surgery a few months ago. He's dropping weight like crazy. So I'm considering the thought of seeing if Kaiser will approve me for the procedure. I mean they have already told me that I'm "morbidly obese" so whats the harm. Right?
- As most of my long time readers know I started this blog because of the problems that Summer and I were going through. Since then it has gone through a few different phases. Mainly now it is used to help me keep my thoughts in check. That was the main problem that Summer and I had. I would think something in the heat of the moment and instead of thinking about it I would say whatever was in my mind. I have done a much better job of that in the past year or two. It still lingers and I catch myself doing it, but I am getting better. It is coming at an expense though. I am now afraid to bring certain topics up in fear of them being taken the wrong way. So I just keep them inside. I know that is a bad thing as well. I really need to find a balance between the two. Some of these things really need to be said and discussed. I just need to get over my fear of losing my temper again.
- I have always wanted to get a tattoo. Ever since I was in Jr. High. I just was never in a position where I could afford one. Well that urge of wanting one never went away. In fact it is getting stronger now. I really want one. Badly. I've got several in mind that I want to get. Just don't have a location of where I want them to be.
- I really can't wait for the upcoming hunting season to get here. Especially since dove season opens on a Sat. this year. So I'll be out for the morning hunt and then the evening hunt. It's still up in the air if I'm going deer hunting this year though. I will be going duck hunting though. Surprise surprise. :D There is a group of 8 people that are putting in for the opener of goose and duck season at Tule Lake. My dad, 2 uncles, 2 cousins, and one of my uncles is bringing 2 nephews for their first duck hunt. Then we are planning on going back to Tule to go pheasant hunting. The plan now is to leave right after we eat thanksgiving dinner. Make the 11 hour drive, sleep a little bit and hunt Fri. Sat. and Sun. What a way to spend the Thanksgiving holiday!
- This really has nothing to do with anything, but I really like this song. That and they are performing at Sac Valley Amphitheatre tonight. And I can't go. It's not that bad though. They are the only ones on the Project Revolution Tour that I'm interested in seeing so a ticket would just be a waste of money anyways.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Lucky Man - Montgomery Gentry
Yes indeed. Sometimes I may not realize this. I may take things for granted. I might not be able to see what I truly have because I'm so caught up in myself. thinking only of everything that is wrong in my life. Through it all though, I truly am, A Lucky Man.
I have days where I hate my job
This little town and the whole world too
Last Sunday when my Steelers lost
Lord it put me in a bad mood
I have moments when I curse the rain
Then complain when the sun's too hot
I look around at what everyone has
And I forget about all I've got
But I know I'm a lucky man
God's given me a pretty fair hand
Got a house and a piece of land
A few dollars in a coffee can
My old trucks still running good
My ticker's ticking like they say it should
I got supper in the oven, a good woman's loving
And one more day to be my little kid's dad
Lord, knows I'm a lucky man
Got some friends who would be here fast
I could call em any time of day
Got a brother who's got my back
Got a mama who I swears a saint
Got a brand new rod and reel
Got a full week off this year
Dad had a close call last spring
It's a miracle he's still here
But I know I'm a lucky man
God's given me a pretty fair hand
Got a house and a piece of land
a few dollars in a coffee can
My old trucks still running good
My ticker's tickin' like they say it should
I got supper in the oven, good woman's lovin'
And one more day to be my little kid's dad
Lord, knows I'm a lucky man
My old trucks still running good
My ticker's ticking like they say it should
I got supper in the oven, a good woman's lovin'
And even my bad days ain't that bad
Yeah, I'm a lucky man
I'm a lucky lucky man
Yes indeed. Sometimes I may not realize this. I may take things for granted. I might not be able to see what I truly have because I'm so caught up in myself. thinking only of everything that is wrong in my life. Through it all though, I truly am, A Lucky Man.
Monday, April 16, 2007
An interview with The INSTALLINATOR!
Last week I volunteered over at Restoring the covenant to have RS interview me. I thought it would be a good idea to let people know some things about me that maybe I haven't touched on very much. So here is how it went:
The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better.If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! Then you update your blog with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them five questions.
1. What are the issues you have with organized religion? This one I have a hard time explaining. When I was little my parents lived with my grandma for about 2 years. During that time My grandma made my sister and I go to church with here every Sun. Whether we wanted to or not. It was part of the "rules" of living there. At the time it didn't matter to me. I wanted to make grandma happy so I went. When I was5 my goal in life was to become an alter boy when I got old enough. My grandma is Catholic as I think I previously mentioned in some older post. She is the type of person that don't miss church for any reason at all. She brings communion to the people in town that are not able to go to church for whatever reason. In the past 33 years of my life I can only think of 2 times she has missed church and both of them were in the past month. Once when she was in the hospital and the other time 2 weeks ago she was sick or something and didn't make it then either.
I know this is supposed to be about me not my grandma but bear with me.
So then my parents moved out of her house and we were no longer required to go to church. We lived out of her house for 6 years. Then my mom got accepted in UC Berkeley in 1986. So back to grandmas we move. By this time I'm almost 13. My dad said that it would be up to my sister and I if we wanted to attend church or not. we would no longer have to go if we didn't want to. So we didn't go. I just didn't have the desire to go.
So fast forward a few more years and I'm about 19. It is 1993. I'm heavy into drinking and drugs. I had gotten my GF pregnant and she had a "miscarriage". I was having a real hard time in my life. A friend of mine asked me to go to church with him on a Wed. night. I accepted his invitation and went with him. It was the first time that I attended a non Catholic church. It was also the first time I attended a church in the middle of the week and there really weren't many people there. He took me into his bible study group with his counselor (I can't remember exactly what he was so counselor is what I will call him). I liked it so I went back the following week. I ended up going every Wed. night for quite some time. It is there that I founded my views on religion. The counselor told me that God did not care where we (people) worship. He just cares that you accept Him in your life.
So that is pretty much where my religious beliefs lie at the present.
Now to the exact question. My "issue" with organized religion is that every religion says that they are right and all others are wrong. My Christian friend says my grandma is wrong because she is Catholic and don't worship the "proper" way. Therefore she won't go to heaven. My other friend a Witness says that the Witness's are the only ones going to heaven and everyone else is wrong because they celebrate birthdays and such. SR's pastor says that Catholics are wrong because they believe in purgatory and that praying for the dead will get them into heaven. My grandma says that Christians are wrong because they worship wrong.
Are you getting what me issues are yet? My issue is the belief that you must go to church every Sun. in order to be a true believer. Or that one religion is right and the rest are wrong. I don't think so. I believe that a person should go to where ever he feels closest to God. To some that may be a church. To others it could be the forest. Or the mountains. I feel closer in a natural environment not in a church built by people. I believe that as long as you believe that is what matters. Not what religion you choose.
Make sense?
2. What would your dream vacation entail? My dream vacation would be going on a cruise somewhere. Anywhere actually! Who am I kidding? My dream vacation would be to go to Canada in Sept. for about 2 weeks. Maybe 3. I'd spend the first week hunting early season ducks and geese with a guide. The second week would be on a back pack hunting trip for multiple species. Moose, bear, and caribou. It would actually be 10 days. 2 to walk in to the hunting location 6 to hunt and 2 to walk out. The last portion would be fishing for trout in lakes that the only way to access them is horseback or hiking. I would love to do a trip like that with my dad before he gets too old to do something like that.
Of course the trip he is taking in June is a close second. He's driving to Alaska for 6 weeks to go fishing. He is going to start fishing in Canada and fish a different lake every day for 4-5 weeks.
I know these trips don't include the kids. I want to do a trip like that as well. The hope is to go on a Disney cruise in the Caribbean in the next few years. Before youngest turns 12. that way we can have a mix of alone time for Summer and I mixed with plenty of family time for the 4 of us.
3. What is your favorite thing about being a parent? The best part of being a parent. Let's see here. The ability to take the things I love the most and instill them into my boys. Like hunting, and fishing, or anything outdoors. The way that anything that I like they instantly like as well. For instance one of my favorite movies- Airplane! My oldest son just about has that movie memorized. It really annoys Summer because she hates that movie. Or any movie of it's type. I love to work on my Toyota and get it ready to become a rock crawling beast. Both of my boys get excited about the prospect of taking my truck out when it is finally ready. They both love the same music that I do. Which is nice when oldest buys music from Itunes he gets songs I like too. :D
It's also fun to do "guy" things when Summer isn't around. Like belching and farting. And cracking up over it. Fun times.
4. Is there one biggest lesson you can share with us that you learned from your struggles with Summer a couple years ago? This is going to be a tough one. I learned so much going through that period in our lives. It's also hard because I have a hard time "searching deep down inside" to find my thoughts. If that makes any sense.
I would have to say that one of the bigger things that I learned is that I really need to think before I open my mouth. I had to install a filter between my thoughts and my mouth. That filter is still in the tuning mode but it has helped immensely. I learned that the things I say can hurt very deeply and for an extremely long period of time. I used to believe that if something was bothering me and I was mad about it I could go ahead and spew out all that anger and when I was done spewing everything would be hunky dory. It was better to let it all out than to hold it all in. To a point I still believe that. But there is a proper way to do it and a wrong way. I chose the wrong way. It still tries to rear it's ugly head from time to time. I just know what to look for now. I really need to be quick to catch it and put it under control.
I feel like I'm rambling and not making any sense here.
I guess what I really learned through most of this and not until recently (I knew it but thought I could change it) was that Summer has a completely different temperament than me. She isn't able to just let the things I say roll off her back and take it as venting. She would take it very personally. So I really need to be careful about what I say and how I say it so she understands what I'm upset about.
5. When did you get into hunting? Was that something you've done since you were little? I've been into hunting since I was about7 when we moved out of my grandmas house for the first time. We moved to Northern California about an hour outside of Redding. We lived off the land back then. We grew all of our own fruit and vegetables, raised our own chickens, and bought a cow and pig every year to have butchered. My dad got back into deer hunting when we moved up there. We went every year. Every weekend. He would wake me up very early in the mornings and we'd drive out into the woods and park. Then when the sun would just start to come up we'd get out of the truck and start walking. I was always amazed at the time at how my dad could walk into the woods for hours at a time and still be able to find the truck at lunch time. We hunted deer for the entire time we lived up there. Never got one but we went our every year. Then when we moved back to Grandmas I got my hunting license a couple years later. That was when my uncle took me out duck hunting for the first time. That was in 1988. That has been my true love ever since. There is just something about being in a duck blind before the sub comes up and witnessing the world come alive before your eyes. That my friends is where I feel the most spiritual. Witnessing creation in it's pure form.
Ever since that time I have changed my love for the outdoors. It used to be all about fishing and deer hunting. Now I'm really only into the deer hunting as a way to spend time with my dad. I still have never shot a deer. Although I missed one when I was 17. Now it's all about the ducks. I still like to fish but not like I used too.
So you could say that it was something that I have been into ever since I was little. Just like my oldest son. He went on his first deer hunting trip the day after he turned 6. Went on his first duck hunt a month later. Now he goes out with me every chance he gets. It's something that is in the blood.
I hope this all made sense. If not please ask and I will be more than happy to elaborate on anything you'd like. I'm an open book.
The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better.If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! Then you update your blog with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them five questions.
1. What are the issues you have with organized religion? This one I have a hard time explaining. When I was little my parents lived with my grandma for about 2 years. During that time My grandma made my sister and I go to church with here every Sun. Whether we wanted to or not. It was part of the "rules" of living there. At the time it didn't matter to me. I wanted to make grandma happy so I went. When I was5 my goal in life was to become an alter boy when I got old enough. My grandma is Catholic as I think I previously mentioned in some older post. She is the type of person that don't miss church for any reason at all. She brings communion to the people in town that are not able to go to church for whatever reason. In the past 33 years of my life I can only think of 2 times she has missed church and both of them were in the past month. Once when she was in the hospital and the other time 2 weeks ago she was sick or something and didn't make it then either.
I know this is supposed to be about me not my grandma but bear with me.
So then my parents moved out of her house and we were no longer required to go to church. We lived out of her house for 6 years. Then my mom got accepted in UC Berkeley in 1986. So back to grandmas we move. By this time I'm almost 13. My dad said that it would be up to my sister and I if we wanted to attend church or not. we would no longer have to go if we didn't want to. So we didn't go. I just didn't have the desire to go.
So fast forward a few more years and I'm about 19. It is 1993. I'm heavy into drinking and drugs. I had gotten my GF pregnant and she had a "miscarriage". I was having a real hard time in my life. A friend of mine asked me to go to church with him on a Wed. night. I accepted his invitation and went with him. It was the first time that I attended a non Catholic church. It was also the first time I attended a church in the middle of the week and there really weren't many people there. He took me into his bible study group with his counselor (I can't remember exactly what he was so counselor is what I will call him). I liked it so I went back the following week. I ended up going every Wed. night for quite some time. It is there that I founded my views on religion. The counselor told me that God did not care where we (people) worship. He just cares that you accept Him in your life.
So that is pretty much where my religious beliefs lie at the present.
Now to the exact question. My "issue" with organized religion is that every religion says that they are right and all others are wrong. My Christian friend says my grandma is wrong because she is Catholic and don't worship the "proper" way. Therefore she won't go to heaven. My other friend a Witness says that the Witness's are the only ones going to heaven and everyone else is wrong because they celebrate birthdays and such. SR's pastor says that Catholics are wrong because they believe in purgatory and that praying for the dead will get them into heaven. My grandma says that Christians are wrong because they worship wrong.
Are you getting what me issues are yet? My issue is the belief that you must go to church every Sun. in order to be a true believer. Or that one religion is right and the rest are wrong. I don't think so. I believe that a person should go to where ever he feels closest to God. To some that may be a church. To others it could be the forest. Or the mountains. I feel closer in a natural environment not in a church built by people. I believe that as long as you believe that is what matters. Not what religion you choose.
Make sense?
2. What would your dream vacation entail? My dream vacation would be going on a cruise somewhere. Anywhere actually! Who am I kidding? My dream vacation would be to go to Canada in Sept. for about 2 weeks. Maybe 3. I'd spend the first week hunting early season ducks and geese with a guide. The second week would be on a back pack hunting trip for multiple species. Moose, bear, and caribou. It would actually be 10 days. 2 to walk in to the hunting location 6 to hunt and 2 to walk out. The last portion would be fishing for trout in lakes that the only way to access them is horseback or hiking. I would love to do a trip like that with my dad before he gets too old to do something like that.
Of course the trip he is taking in June is a close second. He's driving to Alaska for 6 weeks to go fishing. He is going to start fishing in Canada and fish a different lake every day for 4-5 weeks.
I know these trips don't include the kids. I want to do a trip like that as well. The hope is to go on a Disney cruise in the Caribbean in the next few years. Before youngest turns 12. that way we can have a mix of alone time for Summer and I mixed with plenty of family time for the 4 of us.
3. What is your favorite thing about being a parent? The best part of being a parent. Let's see here. The ability to take the things I love the most and instill them into my boys. Like hunting, and fishing, or anything outdoors. The way that anything that I like they instantly like as well. For instance one of my favorite movies- Airplane! My oldest son just about has that movie memorized. It really annoys Summer because she hates that movie. Or any movie of it's type. I love to work on my Toyota and get it ready to become a rock crawling beast. Both of my boys get excited about the prospect of taking my truck out when it is finally ready. They both love the same music that I do. Which is nice when oldest buys music from Itunes he gets songs I like too. :D
It's also fun to do "guy" things when Summer isn't around. Like belching and farting. And cracking up over it. Fun times.
4. Is there one biggest lesson you can share with us that you learned from your struggles with Summer a couple years ago? This is going to be a tough one. I learned so much going through that period in our lives. It's also hard because I have a hard time "searching deep down inside" to find my thoughts. If that makes any sense.
I would have to say that one of the bigger things that I learned is that I really need to think before I open my mouth. I had to install a filter between my thoughts and my mouth. That filter is still in the tuning mode but it has helped immensely. I learned that the things I say can hurt very deeply and for an extremely long period of time. I used to believe that if something was bothering me and I was mad about it I could go ahead and spew out all that anger and when I was done spewing everything would be hunky dory. It was better to let it all out than to hold it all in. To a point I still believe that. But there is a proper way to do it and a wrong way. I chose the wrong way. It still tries to rear it's ugly head from time to time. I just know what to look for now. I really need to be quick to catch it and put it under control.
I feel like I'm rambling and not making any sense here.
I guess what I really learned through most of this and not until recently (I knew it but thought I could change it) was that Summer has a completely different temperament than me. She isn't able to just let the things I say roll off her back and take it as venting. She would take it very personally. So I really need to be careful about what I say and how I say it so she understands what I'm upset about.
5. When did you get into hunting? Was that something you've done since you were little? I've been into hunting since I was about7 when we moved out of my grandmas house for the first time. We moved to Northern California about an hour outside of Redding. We lived off the land back then. We grew all of our own fruit and vegetables, raised our own chickens, and bought a cow and pig every year to have butchered. My dad got back into deer hunting when we moved up there. We went every year. Every weekend. He would wake me up very early in the mornings and we'd drive out into the woods and park. Then when the sun would just start to come up we'd get out of the truck and start walking. I was always amazed at the time at how my dad could walk into the woods for hours at a time and still be able to find the truck at lunch time. We hunted deer for the entire time we lived up there. Never got one but we went our every year. Then when we moved back to Grandmas I got my hunting license a couple years later. That was when my uncle took me out duck hunting for the first time. That was in 1988. That has been my true love ever since. There is just something about being in a duck blind before the sub comes up and witnessing the world come alive before your eyes. That my friends is where I feel the most spiritual. Witnessing creation in it's pure form.
Ever since that time I have changed my love for the outdoors. It used to be all about fishing and deer hunting. Now I'm really only into the deer hunting as a way to spend time with my dad. I still have never shot a deer. Although I missed one when I was 17. Now it's all about the ducks. I still like to fish but not like I used too.
So you could say that it was something that I have been into ever since I was little. Just like my oldest son. He went on his first deer hunting trip the day after he turned 6. Went on his first duck hunt a month later. Now he goes out with me every chance he gets. It's something that is in the blood.
I hope this all made sense. If not please ask and I will be more than happy to elaborate on anything you'd like. I'm an open book.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
They call me
..... The Installinator! (thats to be said in an Arnold Swartzenager voice with booming echo)All tremble before the mighty powers of The Installinator!
I have discovered new powers on this journey of mine. I have now discovered that I can in fact take an old toilet out of a bathroom and put a new one in it's place. I just won't tell you that I started this project at 10:30 in the morning and didn't finish until **Cough**4:30 **Cough**in the afternoon. It wasn't all my fault though. Honestly. After I got the old toilet out I decided to check and see if there was any dry rot in the flooring due to the leakiness of the old toilet and fittings. I wasn't sure about the condition so my dad came over and took a look at it. H said that the floor was fine so there was no need to replace it. But he said that I might as well replace the valve that comes out of the wall and the pipe too since it was old and ugly (the pipe. The valve leaked). Not a problem. He left and I went outsides to turn off the water to the house. Come inside grab some channel locks and turn the pipe. SNAP! Problem.
I busted the elbow inside the wall. Or rather the copper pipe that goes to the elbow then to the outside. So I drive to my dads house so I could calm down and find what to do next. I know nothing about plumbing. He says we need to cut a whole in the wall to access the copper pipe and solder a new elbow on it. He says the reason that the pipe broke was that when the house was built they didn't nail the elbow to a 2x4 like they are supposed to.
We go to Ace and grab our stuff and get home to cut a hole in the wall. It's 6x17 if you really wanted to know. And yes it is still there. After the hole was cut we found something out. When dad and I remodeled the master bath 4 years ago we took out the 2x4 bracing for the elbow. We (he) soldered the new fitting on the pipe and he left. I was once again on my own to replace the toilet.
And what do ya know. I did it. I installed a new toilet in the front bathroom. It's shiny and sparkly and oh so pretty. Except for the chip in the porcelain on the lid to the tank. Grrrrrrrr.
That my friends is why they call me The Installinator!
Stay tuned next week when The Installinator! installs a new kitchen sink and faucet. I may even put up a picture or two of that job when it's done. I'm really getting into this home repair stuff. If only it didn't leave me too tired for sex. that's right friends. I'm tired. And I thought only women used that line. What the hell is wrong with me?
I have discovered new powers on this journey of mine. I have now discovered that I can in fact take an old toilet out of a bathroom and put a new one in it's place. I just won't tell you that I started this project at 10:30 in the morning and didn't finish until **Cough**4:30 **Cough**in the afternoon. It wasn't all my fault though. Honestly. After I got the old toilet out I decided to check and see if there was any dry rot in the flooring due to the leakiness of the old toilet and fittings. I wasn't sure about the condition so my dad came over and took a look at it. H said that the floor was fine so there was no need to replace it. But he said that I might as well replace the valve that comes out of the wall and the pipe too since it was old and ugly (the pipe. The valve leaked). Not a problem. He left and I went outsides to turn off the water to the house. Come inside grab some channel locks and turn the pipe. SNAP! Problem.
I busted the elbow inside the wall. Or rather the copper pipe that goes to the elbow then to the outside. So I drive to my dads house so I could calm down and find what to do next. I know nothing about plumbing. He says we need to cut a whole in the wall to access the copper pipe and solder a new elbow on it. He says the reason that the pipe broke was that when the house was built they didn't nail the elbow to a 2x4 like they are supposed to.
We go to Ace and grab our stuff and get home to cut a hole in the wall. It's 6x17 if you really wanted to know. And yes it is still there. After the hole was cut we found something out. When dad and I remodeled the master bath 4 years ago we took out the 2x4 bracing for the elbow. We (he) soldered the new fitting on the pipe and he left. I was once again on my own to replace the toilet.
And what do ya know. I did it. I installed a new toilet in the front bathroom. It's shiny and sparkly and oh so pretty. Except for the chip in the porcelain on the lid to the tank. Grrrrrrrr.
That my friends is why they call me The Installinator!
Stay tuned next week when The Installinator! installs a new kitchen sink and faucet. I may even put up a picture or two of that job when it's done. I'm really getting into this home repair stuff. If only it didn't leave me too tired for sex. that's right friends. I'm tired. And I thought only women used that line. What the hell is wrong with me?
Thursday, April 12, 2007
I don't know why I do this but it seems that every time I go to see my therapist I have something specific in mind that I want to talk about. But when I get there I end up talking about something else. The meeting goes in a complete different direction than what I have in mind before I walk in there.
Today I wanted to talk about why is it that I get so bent out of shape and mad at certain things and that at others I just blow them over like they were nothing. Instead we talk about my new position and how it is affecting the family. And the things that I could do to help make the transition better for Summer and our youngest.
Although those are important things they just weren't what I had in mind.
Oh well. time for work. Till later.
Today I wanted to talk about why is it that I get so bent out of shape and mad at certain things and that at others I just blow them over like they were nothing. Instead we talk about my new position and how it is affecting the family. And the things that I could do to help make the transition better for Summer and our youngest.
Although those are important things they just weren't what I had in mind.
Oh well. time for work. Till later.
Monday, April 09, 2007
What a weekend!
I tell you what.
What.
Anyway we did just what I set out to do. Get some things that have been a long time coming. Everyone in the family got shoes. Summer got a bunch of clothes. I got a new monitor for the computer. What a difference an extra 3 inches makes. I'm sure some of my readers already know how much of a difference that 3 inches can make. ;-) It wasn't all fun and games though. Not by a long shot. We got our oldest son new glasses. I bought some things to do projects around the house. Like a new toilet, and wood to make a new gate and repair a section of fencing. This coming weekend I'm going to get a new counter top for the kitchen and a new sink and faucet. So now I have a crap load of stuff to keep me occupied for quite some time.
In other news I have felt the return of some very familiar yet unwanted feelings. I am having a very hard time sorting them out. If they even can be sorted out. I don't know. I just know that I am very, very irritable lately. I'm sleeping most of the day away. Going through varying emotions. One second I'm happy then for no rhyme or reason I'm pissed and snapping at everything. Then I go to just having a knot in my throat to being so tired that I can't function. And these are only the ones that I can put a finger on. There are more that I can't even come close to describing.
Now keep in mind these feelings aren't coming in a specific order like I described above. They come at random. They leave at random. No warnings at all. It truly is annoying.
I'd like to write some more but I seem to have pissed the day away and now I need to prepare for work.
I tell you what.
What.
Anyway we did just what I set out to do. Get some things that have been a long time coming. Everyone in the family got shoes. Summer got a bunch of clothes. I got a new monitor for the computer. What a difference an extra 3 inches makes. I'm sure some of my readers already know how much of a difference that 3 inches can make. ;-) It wasn't all fun and games though. Not by a long shot. We got our oldest son new glasses. I bought some things to do projects around the house. Like a new toilet, and wood to make a new gate and repair a section of fencing. This coming weekend I'm going to get a new counter top for the kitchen and a new sink and faucet. So now I have a crap load of stuff to keep me occupied for quite some time.
In other news I have felt the return of some very familiar yet unwanted feelings. I am having a very hard time sorting them out. If they even can be sorted out. I don't know. I just know that I am very, very irritable lately. I'm sleeping most of the day away. Going through varying emotions. One second I'm happy then for no rhyme or reason I'm pissed and snapping at everything. Then I go to just having a knot in my throat to being so tired that I can't function. And these are only the ones that I can put a finger on. There are more that I can't even come close to describing.
Now keep in mind these feelings aren't coming in a specific order like I described above. They come at random. They leave at random. No warnings at all. It truly is annoying.
I'd like to write some more but I seem to have pissed the day away and now I need to prepare for work.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Dilema time
That's right friends. I'm in a bit of a dilemma. A conundrum if you will.
You see here's the problem. I used to use this blog as a place that I could go to so that I could vent my frustrations and what have you. But I'm finding it harder and harder to do that here. Take my last post for example. I just don't feel that this is the place that I can vent some of my true feelings anymore. I can vent issues with work, my parents, and society in general. But I feel that I can no longer talk about things that upset me and hurt my feelings when Summer is concerned.
She reads every single post that I write. Most them she reads as I'm writing them over my shoulder. So that's part of my dilemma. The other part of the dilemma is that I really don't want to get into a he said she said thing here. Maybe that's not the correct wording. Many of my readers read what she has to say along with reading me. I'm just starting to see the down side to having us both blog.
I guess my point here (if there really is a point) is that I love my wife with all my heart. But as in everything marriage has it's ups and downs. I like to be able to write about both here. It just seems like it's getting harder and harder to write the downs that we go through. Maybe it's because I spent so many years being nothing but negative. I've really tried to to be a better person for her and for the kids the last few years. I feel that if I do some venting here that I'm reverting to my old ways again. I don't want Summer to feel that I am doing that to her either. On the same token as that I know that it will do absolutely no good to keep it all inside.
Did I make any sense?
You see here's the problem. I used to use this blog as a place that I could go to so that I could vent my frustrations and what have you. But I'm finding it harder and harder to do that here. Take my last post for example. I just don't feel that this is the place that I can vent some of my true feelings anymore. I can vent issues with work, my parents, and society in general. But I feel that I can no longer talk about things that upset me and hurt my feelings when Summer is concerned.
She reads every single post that I write. Most them she reads as I'm writing them over my shoulder. So that's part of my dilemma. The other part of the dilemma is that I really don't want to get into a he said she said thing here. Maybe that's not the correct wording. Many of my readers read what she has to say along with reading me. I'm just starting to see the down side to having us both blog.
I guess my point here (if there really is a point) is that I love my wife with all my heart. But as in everything marriage has it's ups and downs. I like to be able to write about both here. It just seems like it's getting harder and harder to write the downs that we go through. Maybe it's because I spent so many years being nothing but negative. I've really tried to to be a better person for her and for the kids the last few years. I feel that if I do some venting here that I'm reverting to my old ways again. I don't want Summer to feel that I am doing that to her either. On the same token as that I know that it will do absolutely no good to keep it all inside.
Did I make any sense?
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Ever have one......
......of those nights? You know where you have all these thoughts running through your head? Well that's where I'm at right now.
There are several things going through my head right now that are things to post about. But none of them are able to be stand alone posts. I just can't formulate them into something that can really be good to be one post alone. So I guess what I'm going to do is just give little snippets of the things running through my head right now. I apologize in advance if this post makes no sense what so ever or bounces all over the place. It don't even make sense to me!
First off we got out state tax return today. Like I said a few days ago- 'If you don't use E-file why not?' I filed last Sat. Check was deposited this morning in my checking account. It's the only way to go.
That being said we just had to go spend that money today. I paid off a credit card that we used for Christmas presents. 50% of the check gone. *SNAP* Just like that. After that check was written Summer decided that she wanted to get out of the house. So I washed her hair for her in the kitchen sink, gave her a bath/sponge bath, and helped her to get dressed. The boys were complaining about how hungry they were but I had plans. no time to stop and eat. Let's go!
First stop was the barber. I needed a hair cut badly. So did youngest. Afterwards I took the family out for a very late breakfast. It was more like lunch since it was after 12 by the time we got to the restaurant. After that we went to my favorite store. Wal-Mart. We got some things we really needed. Clothes, fishing licenses, you know. The necessities.
I was feeling really good about things. I took my family out for a really good breakfast. Bought them things they needed and wanted. Things were going beyond good. They were excellent. Then we went to work World so that I could buy my first pair of work boots in over 18 months. Not only were they my pair of new boots but they were the first pair of boots that I have paid more than 18 dollars for in over 7 years. I desperately needed work boots. My old ones had holes between the upper and the sole. They both leaked badly. My small toe was ready to pop out of my right boot.
So I got a pair of boots that were a little more than I wanted to spend. 70 bucks. I was alone when I picked them out. Summer was in the truck resting. I was supposed to get myself a new pair of jeans as well. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So as I'm paying for the boots Summer comes in with the boys. She asks me where the jeans are. I told her that I couldn't bring myself to get them. She said that I should get them because I need them. She also said that the money for the boots was fine. I needed them. So that was a good thing.
Then on the way home it hit me. I started feeling kinda low. I don't know what brought it on. I just started thinking about the money that we just spent and I got this low feeling.
That got me to thinking. When I was spending the money I was in this almost euphoric state. then after the money was spent I went straight down. It's always been like that. I just never saw it till now. Now I just need to figure out what it all means.
Well look at that. That almost made a post unto itself.
Secondly things are driving me fucking insane at home. I'm going crazy! Summer has been sleeping in the living room since she got home from the hospital. I'm not able to hold her close when I hug her. When I do hug her I can't think about just enjoying the holding her. Instead I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt her. There really is something to be said about the lack of physical contact affecting your moods. That and the lack of sleep. I can't sleep without her in bed with me. I need to be able to hold her to fall asleep. I'm getting up in the middle of the night to help Summer get off the couch so she can walk around the house to keep her legs from cramping.
I'm NOT complaining about this. It's just taking it's toll on me.
Lastly this one is kinda irritating me. For the last5 days I've been busting my ass doing everything here. But then when the kids do something I'm the one that gets their head snapped off. What the hell is that about? I'm not the one doing something wrong. But I'm the one that is getting snapped at for no reason at all. This is really taking it's toll on both of us.
So how much longer till things go back to normal around here?
There are several things going through my head right now that are things to post about. But none of them are able to be stand alone posts. I just can't formulate them into something that can really be good to be one post alone. So I guess what I'm going to do is just give little snippets of the things running through my head right now. I apologize in advance if this post makes no sense what so ever or bounces all over the place. It don't even make sense to me!
First off we got out state tax return today. Like I said a few days ago- 'If you don't use E-file why not?' I filed last Sat. Check was deposited this morning in my checking account. It's the only way to go.
That being said we just had to go spend that money today. I paid off a credit card that we used for Christmas presents. 50% of the check gone. *SNAP* Just like that. After that check was written Summer decided that she wanted to get out of the house. So I washed her hair for her in the kitchen sink, gave her a bath/sponge bath, and helped her to get dressed. The boys were complaining about how hungry they were but I had plans. no time to stop and eat. Let's go!
First stop was the barber. I needed a hair cut badly. So did youngest. Afterwards I took the family out for a very late breakfast. It was more like lunch since it was after 12 by the time we got to the restaurant. After that we went to my favorite store. Wal-Mart. We got some things we really needed. Clothes, fishing licenses, you know. The necessities.
I was feeling really good about things. I took my family out for a really good breakfast. Bought them things they needed and wanted. Things were going beyond good. They were excellent. Then we went to work World so that I could buy my first pair of work boots in over 18 months. Not only were they my pair of new boots but they were the first pair of boots that I have paid more than 18 dollars for in over 7 years. I desperately needed work boots. My old ones had holes between the upper and the sole. They both leaked badly. My small toe was ready to pop out of my right boot.
So I got a pair of boots that were a little more than I wanted to spend. 70 bucks. I was alone when I picked them out. Summer was in the truck resting. I was supposed to get myself a new pair of jeans as well. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So as I'm paying for the boots Summer comes in with the boys. She asks me where the jeans are. I told her that I couldn't bring myself to get them. She said that I should get them because I need them. She also said that the money for the boots was fine. I needed them. So that was a good thing.
Then on the way home it hit me. I started feeling kinda low. I don't know what brought it on. I just started thinking about the money that we just spent and I got this low feeling.
That got me to thinking. When I was spending the money I was in this almost euphoric state. then after the money was spent I went straight down. It's always been like that. I just never saw it till now. Now I just need to figure out what it all means.
Well look at that. That almost made a post unto itself.
Secondly things are driving me fucking insane at home. I'm going crazy! Summer has been sleeping in the living room since she got home from the hospital. I'm not able to hold her close when I hug her. When I do hug her I can't think about just enjoying the holding her. Instead I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt her. There really is something to be said about the lack of physical contact affecting your moods. That and the lack of sleep. I can't sleep without her in bed with me. I need to be able to hold her to fall asleep. I'm getting up in the middle of the night to help Summer get off the couch so she can walk around the house to keep her legs from cramping.
I'm NOT complaining about this. It's just taking it's toll on me.
Lastly this one is kinda irritating me. For the last5 days I've been busting my ass doing everything here. But then when the kids do something I'm the one that gets their head snapped off. What the hell is that about? I'm not the one doing something wrong. But I'm the one that is getting snapped at for no reason at all. This is really taking it's toll on both of us.
So how much longer till things go back to normal around here?
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