Troubles in my head

                I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just so fucking confused. I love my wife so fucking much. I can’t image living without her. She means everything to me. But I’m so fucking torn right now. As much as I love her and want to be with her, I just don’t know how to do that anymore. Is love enough to keep us together? I can handle her fucking someone else. I just can’t handle the fucking lies!! The betrayal is what hurts the most. When I begin to think that I can’t live with the lies and betrayal anymore that just makes it worse.  I start to get mad at myself for thinking that way. How can I think about not being with the person that I love the most? That I dedicated my life to for 27 years. I just get mad at myself for having these thoughts and they are destroying me inside right now.

                I love her and I hate her at the same time. I hate what she did to me. I hate that she did it without even thinking about me and how I feel. I hate the way that all she says is I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I hate that she always says the same lame fucking answer when I ask her why she did it or how could she do it. It’s always “I don’t know”. How the FUCK can you do this for a fucking year and not know why?! I hate it when she says “I love you so much. You’re my sexy husband”. Or “You mean so much to me” or “I’m so lucky to have a loving husband like you”. Jesus all I want to do is come back with a sarcastic remark. I want to yell at her. I want to scream at her. I want to throw things and hit walls.

                But I can’t do any of that. I promised myself before I started this blog so long ago that I would never yell, scream or lose my temper with her again. Through all of this I have kept that promise to myself. Besides what fucking good is it going to be to yell and scream and make sarcastic remarks or act like fucking crazy deranged person. Even though that’s exactly what I am on the inside. I’m fucking destroying myself from the inside.

                I just can’t think straight anymore. When we are apart due to work, I have all the feelings that I can’t be with her anymore. Then when I get home and she is there I just want to be with her and hold her and never let go. When I do get home from work instead of watching TV like I used to, I listen to music at high volume to try and drown out the voices in my head. Most of the time it doesn’t work though.

                I start thinking that maybe she was right back in Oct. that we need to do a separation to see what we want to do. I need to figure out what I am supposed to do here. But I don’t want to leave my house. I already left once for a week. I’m not leaving again. I’m not going to leave and try to figure out how to pay for a place to stay while this gets figured out and still be responsible for paying for the bills at the house.

Then when I start thinking that I get mad at myself again. How can I possibly want to be away from the woman I love? How can we work on our marriage and make things right if we are apart? Then again how can I believe anything that she says to me? How can I possibly believe that she loves me at all? How can I trust the change of heart that she had from Oct. to Dec.?

How can I believe her when she tells me that I meet all her needs in bed? That’s not what she told him. She told him I don’t last long enough and can’t satisfy her. Now she says that she’s sorry for that and that she didn’t mean it. She was upset and venting. Now suddenly, I’ve always been good enough for her. If I was good enough then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS TO US?!?! HOW COULD YOU JEOPRDIZE OUR MARRIAGE AND TELL ME YOU DON’T KNOW WHY?!!! I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!

I just hurt so much. I’m a fucking wreck. Nothing I do helps the pain go away. My stomach hurts, my back hurts. That’s on a good day. On the bad days my whole fucking body aches and I force myself to go about my day like nothing is wrong. I still can’t sleep at night. I’m still not eating normally. Although it seems the weight loss has come to an end.

 I can’t stand the way I feel about myself. I hate the way I feel about her. I hate that I love her. I hate myself for wanting to be with her. I hate myself more for not wanting to be with her and felling anger and hatred towards her.

I want to get drunk again, but I know better. I have been 100% sober since Dec. 20^th. That was not a good night. I haven’t related that story yet, so I won’t let out the details yet. Just know that it wasn’t pretty. 

You know 2 weeks ago we were doing good. We still are. There’s no arguing or anything like that. I wasn’t having these fucking thoughts entering my head and I was in a decent place. Then duck season ended, and everything went to shit (in my head not our marriage). Now I have extra time. I’m home alone on Sundays while she is at work. That’s when my mind really takes over. I can’t be alone with myself. But I can’t figure out what I should be doing if I’m not alone. This Sun. is going to be really bad because she is working OT and won’t be home till almost 8:30 at night. I’m not looking forward to it.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I just don’t fucking know anymore. Someone PLEASE tell me what am I supposed to do?