A little deeper insight into who I am

Well I'm going to go out on a limb here and really open myself up to you all. Digger over at Reality and Redemption has come up with an interesting topic today. So to start off with I'd like to quote part of his post.

"No, we haven't talked about it. Some of you would probably want to talk to the person who was sexually abusing you. But I suspect that most people who were victims of this would NOT want to talk about it with anyone. And an abuser would not want to talk about it either. It becomes a dirty little secret between the victim and the molester. Many of you have been victims of serious misuse."

This might take awhile to get out so bear with me. I'm going to take the round about way.

My therapist keeps asking me why I have all these negative thoughts about myself. Because I tell him that Summer deserves better than me. I always reply back that I have no clue as to why I do this. I'm always putting myself down.
Well after reading this exert from Digger's post something hit me. When I was around 10 or so my sister and I were molested by our cousin. My sister was 2 years younger than me. He was about 16 or 17 at the time. It actually went on for over a year. This same cousin was the ring bearer at my parents wedding. I won't go into detail about what he did to us. I don't think that is important to know about. Let's just say that it really effected us both. It's the main reason my sister turned to drugs and was on the harder drugs. She wanted to die.
Now here is the thing that touches on the post that Digger wrote. When he said "But I suspect that most people who were victims of this would NOT want to talk about it with anyone." That part rang so true to me. My sister and I finally told our parents about what had happened after I was out of high school. We never talked about it to even between the two of us. A few years ago I had the opportunity to confront this cousin at a funeral that we both attended. I was SO looking forward to seeing him and telling him off. But when the time came I chickened out. It was not because of where we were at, but because the old fears came rushing back.
My dad did not chicken out though. After the funeral we all went to a pizza place for pizza and LOTS of beer. On the way in my dad and cousin were the last ones to enter the place. Cousin held the door open for my dad and held out his hand to shake with my dad. My dad in return said "Don't offer to shake my hand. My wife and I know what you did to our kids. If you ever come near them or any of the family again we'll let the whole family know, and you'll be a dead man". Cousin closed the door and he has not been seen since then. That was 3.5 years ago.

So here is where the guilt comes in. At the time I never new what molestation was. We lived in a little Northern California town. The population was about 80 people. I had to ride the bus an hour each way just to get to school. So we didn't know what rape was, or gangs or any of that crap associated with living in the city. So by not knowing about it we never told anyone. The part that is even worse is that after he was done with me I was forced to watch him with my sister. So there is a lot of guilt tied up in that. I never did anything to stop him from hurting my sister. I was her older brother. The one that is supposed to be looking out for her. So that is where all of the self hating and low esteem comes from. I feel like I don't deserve to be loves by my wife because of my past. I guess we all have our scars.

That early experience in my life has also done other things to me as well. When I was just starting to notice my sexuality I thought that because of what happened and that I LET it happen that I was homosexual. So I had a few "experiences" in my early years. Although they were quite pleasing and fun they were not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Sometimes I do still wonder though.

So in closing I would like to be able to face my molester and had the chance to do so. But I really think that it is better that I did chicken out. With my temper it would have landed me in jail.