Well yesterday I went to see the Therapist again. Haven't seen him in almost a month. That's one of the things that I don't like about going to Kaiser for my therapy. I have to wait sometimes 3-4 weeks to get my next appointment sometimes. This time for example. I saw him yesterday but won't see him again until the 3rd.
anyways when I saw him yesterday I brought up what I talked about in these posts. That is where things started to go downhill for us. I kept telling him that I felt responsible for what happened to my sister because I'm her older brother and it was my job to take care of her. So he asked me what does that make me? That question confused the hell out of me. I'm not sure where he was going with this. So we went round in circles for awhile. I just kept saying that I was supposed to protect my sister. Then he asked the big question. Who was supposed to take care of you?
Again I couldn't answer that. I just kept saying I was supposed to take care of myself. So he asked me what about your parents? Weren't they supposed to take care of you? That's about the time that I started to shut him out. I wasn't going to sit there and let him blame my parents for what happened. It wasn't their fault. It was my cousins. Who the hell does this ass hole think he is anyways? It wasn't my parents shoving my cousins dick down my throat. It wasn't my parents fucking my sister. How dare this ass wipe try to blame my parents for what happened?
And this brings me to the reason that I have avoided therapy for so long. All the therapist's want to do is blame the parents for what is wrong with you. Whatever happened to self responsibility? My parents did the best that they could for me when I was growing up. I am very thankful to them for what they did. I wasn't the easiest kid to raise. As bad as my temper is now it's nothing compared to what it was when I was a kid. My parents made many sacrifices when we were kids to make sure we had food on the table, a roof over our heads, and presents under the Christmas tree. (One year my dad had to sell his camper and boat to buy presents for my sister and I. The next year he had to sell his Jeep.) So as I was saying they did the best they could. I was just fucked up. It's not there fault that I am the way I am. And it sure as hell wasn't there fault that we were molested.
I had more that I wanted to say but I'm too worked up at the moment.
Good Night.
3 comments:
I agree with somefrenchgirl. You were only 10, right? I think your therapist wasn't necessarily trying to shift blame, I think he was trying to show it wasn't your fault. You were just a kid, and you needed protection just as much as your sister. It was no one's fault other than your cousin. And I'm sure you know that, but you still harbor the guilt about it anyway.
I would think that guilt is going to be a huge thing you are going to be dealing with in your therapy. Does he give you "homework" or at least things to think about or work on between your sessions?
Sorry to sound so shrink-like... one of my chimps has a doctorate, so you can blame him.
I'm going to chime in here along side everyone else. I know you feel responsible and guilty for what happened, but that's a lot to expect of a 10 yr. old boy. Maybe he wasn't trying to shift blame to your parents as much as he was trying to get you to let YOURSELF off the hook. Don't give up on the therapy. There will probably be other sessions that you leave angry or confused, but don't give up.
Michael
Thank You all!
What he said was that it was my parents job to keep us safe and they did not do that. He also said that it was our parents that were responsibility to see if something "wasn't right" with us in a change of behavior way.
To me that sounds like he was saying that it was their fault for not watching my sistrer and I close enough. He did say that they should have known where we were all the time and so forth.
They DID know where we were at. They DID know who we were with.
We were with the person that was their ring bearer in their wedding. An older cousin that was a "responsible" person. Unless we were to tell them what happened how were they supposed to know? We didn't say a thing to anyone. We also hid it quite well. So how were they to know? How were they at fault?
CH
PS welcome to my Blog somefrench girl! and a belated welcome to Mr. Husbland.
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