When do you accept defeat?

I've been trying to work on my truck all weekend long. I need to replace the timing chain. But this is a foreign truck and they cant make it an easy replacement like the American made ones. No I have to tear down the whole damn engine to do it. Remove the heads, intake, exhaust, oil pan, water pump, pulley's. All that shit. Well this morning the truck kicked my ass. I had everything taken apart except for the Pulley's. The hold down bolt for them is on so damn tight that I cant get it off. Even with my air hammer. All that does is spin the socket on the bolt. Not good.
So I decided to take a quick break, do a little blogging and go back at it in a little bit. If I can't get it off after the break I will throw in the towel and tow it to the shop tomorrow. At least I did most of the major work to it so the bill won't be that bad. Plus I have all the parts so that will make it cheaper also.

Yesterday morning Summer and I laid in bed for a few hours before getting up and taking core of the kids. It was a typical Sat. morning in bed. Almost anyways. This time we had started and finished a conversation. Our communication level has really gone up in the past few months. I'm becoming more involved with the daily activities and she is being more open to me about talking to me and what we talk about. I'm much happier with where we are today compared to where we were a year ago. Financially we are in almost the same place but that is a constant with us. We are still pretty much debt free except for the house and student loans.
Her clientele has been increasing little by little at her new job. So things are better for her at work. I had a big blow out with my boss last week. Since then my boss and I are getting along better also.
So back to the conversation of yesterday. We actually had a talk about sex. I had told her that I was happy with the frequency that we have been at lately. She on the other hand was surprised about that. She then shocked me and said she has actually been upset about the frequency of sex that we have and wishes it was more. I was totally caught off guard. We have just been so caught up with the kids and work that we have been putting 'us' on the back burner except for weekends. We also talked about our Blogs. She told me that her blog has really helped her to put the past where it belongs. And she apologized for anything she may have wrote that upset me. I told her that it was alright. If I didn't want it to be out there I would not have asked her to start a blog to begin with. We also discussed starting new blogs also. We'll have to see if hers gets started or not. Mine will be up in a week or so. But it won't have any links to this one. The 2 are to be kept separate. Neither one of us are going to shut down our sites. We just want another place to express ourselves.

So all in all things are going pretty well here. Except for youngest son. Some days his medication seems to work wonders. Others it's like he's worse than before. Take Fri. for example. He got sent home from school for the second time in the week. This time it was for throwing rocks at his teacher and at the other students. When he got home he was throwing a huge tantrum because Summer would not let him watch TV or give him any treats. Then when she went to the garage to do laundry he locked her in the garage. She called me up at work to see if I could let her back in but I was 65 miles away at the time. So I called the house and he let her in when the phone rang. Then an hour later he locked her in one of the rooms of the house.
Now compare that to Wed. His teacher said that he was fine at school. The babysitter told me that he was perfectly fine with her as well.
Next week we will see his Counselor for the first time. We're hoping that the counselor will be able to get him in to be seen asap. Unlike my counselor. After my last appointment he was booked up for 5 weeks. So I still have another week to go.

Well the family is home now off I go.

Tagged again!

I was tagged by Daddy's lil Girl over @ Secret Life of a BBWList seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1. Buckcherry: Crazy Bitch
2. Lynard Skynard: Freebird
3. Trace Adkins: Honky Tonk Badonk-a-Donk
4. Avenged Sevenfold: Batcountry
5. Disturbed: Garden
6. Eminem: Lose Yourself
7. Brad Paisely w/ Allison Krause: Whiskey Lullaby

And now to tag the 7 people.
1) Michael
2) Pretty Peanut
3) April
4) Wrygirl
5) Summer Rose Check out her HNT pic if you haven't already. Isn't she just sexy as hell? :-D
6) Synergy
7) ??????????? We'll just leave this one open for now.

HNT!

Nope not from me. But My lovely wife has posted her first HNT photo tonight. I was able to take her picture this afternoon on my Mental Health Day. So go over and check it out. Sh'e a little nervous about putting her pic on the web. Here is the link to her pic.
Haooy HNT to you all.

Mental Health Day

That's what I took today.
I woke up this morning and really didn't feel like getting out of bed. I did get up enough to talk to Summer while she was showering and tell her that I wanted to stay home from work. She said it's alright. YIPPEE! I'll always jump at the chance to stay home with her when she wants me home. I called in to my boss and said I'm not coming in, and got back in bed.
The rest of the day turned out to be pretty enjoyable as well. Got to take some fun pictures, and help Summer around with the housework. I'm now feeling rested and ready to go back to work tomorrow.

The pictures that I took gave me an idea for another post but that will have to wait until a later date.

I really just wanted to stop by and say that things are still going pretty well. I'm happier lately, and Summer seems to be happier as well. Except for the school problems. But they seem to be working themselves out as well.
So for now I bid you farewell.

On to a happy note

I think that today I will go away from the downer posts of late. I have some happy things to report tonight.
Last weekend we finally bought our laptop computer and router. Plus a few things to make the home computer a little more user friendly.
Let me just say that being able to have both Summer and I online at the same time is a very happy thing. We can both look at our favorite blogs at the same time. The other plus side is that we can IM each other and do some flirting online (like we are doing now :D )
The addition of the wireless mouse and keyboard has also helped in our together time. Now we can sit at the computer together and type comments in comfort.

The biggest thing that I am happy about the last few days is that my lovely wife is being more vocal with me. She is talking to me a little more. But more importantly is that she is being more playful with me. She's being more huggy with me and that is a real confidence booster for me. It makes me feel better about myself when she just comes from nowhere and says that I'm sexy, or that she loves me and then kisses and hugs me without me prompting.
Outside of a small set back yesterday this truly has been a good week.

So I just wanted to let you all know that things aren't always gloomy in the confused household. They do get to be quite happy at times.

The downside to being on messenger together is that we were up till after midnight the other night chatting. But the lack of sleep was well worth it.

Molestation II

The last post was a little bit out of the ordinary for me to write. But I received quite a bit of feedback from it. It always surprises me to find out how many people have been molested by a family member.  
I have never really considered myself to be a survivor. I guess mainly because I just felt that it was just another label. I’m not saying that that is a bad thing. Just that I have never seen it that way.
Up until now I have only told a VERY few amount of people in my life about what happened to me. Those would be, my parents, Summer, and the whole WWW. (My sister too but she don’t count as being someone I told because she was involved in it from the beginning.) Summer and I discussed it before we got married. Just not as much into detail as I explained here. But in a way I told her some more detail about what happened than I have told all of you. She knows the specific details about what he did to us, just not the part about how I felt about it. Just like I know about what has happened to her in her past. I won’t go into detail about her past though. That is her place to tell. Not mine.
Here is the problem with what has happened in her past that makes things harder for me to deal with now. After me knowing about what has happened to her as a child, it makes what I did to her as an adult worse.
I was supposed to be someone that she could trust. A support system for her if you will. She has had trust issues with men from her childhood. What I did to her was make it hard for her to trust me again. I took her trust and faith in me and destroyed it.
All that is left for me to do now is to do my best to regain her trust and never lose it again.
Before I can regain her trust though I need to learn how to trust myself. I realized that I have a hard time trusting someone. The other thing to that is that once I do trust someone I will let them walk all over me for long periods of time before I say enough is enough. So those are things that I need to do for myself. I also need to learn to trust myself before I can learn to trust anyone else.
I think that now that I have reopened these memories I have something solid to go on for my next therapy appointment.
It has been years since I have thought about what my cousin has done to us. In fact the last time that I thought about it was when my sister was arrested for crack. She told my mom that she was doing these drugs because she wanted to die, but was too afraid to actually outright do it. She wanted to die because of what our cousin did to us. She had wanted to die for years. When my mom told me that all the feelings rushed back to me. The memories just didn’t stick around to long. That was also a few months prior to the funeral when we saw my cousin. Even though I am the one guilty of being the first to introduce my sister to meth I still feel that if he hadn’t done what he did neither of us would have ended up the way we are. But that could just be me looking for a scape goat.
I guess the biggest thing that needs to be gotten out of this post is that other people get something out of it. Also if you are in a situation like I was or have been in a situation like it in the past to let someone know about it. My sister and I waited until we were adults to say something. It only stopped when we moves away to the bay area. Until recently I thought that I was doing a pretty good job of dealing with it. But now I think I have been wrong about it for all these years.

A little deeper insight into who I am

Well I'm going to go out on a limb here and really open myself up to you all. Digger over at Reality and Redemption has come up with an interesting topic today. So to start off with I'd like to quote part of his post.

"No, we haven't talked about it. Some of you would probably want to talk to the person who was sexually abusing you. But I suspect that most people who were victims of this would NOT want to talk about it with anyone. And an abuser would not want to talk about it either. It becomes a dirty little secret between the victim and the molester. Many of you have been victims of serious misuse."

This might take awhile to get out so bear with me. I'm going to take the round about way.

My therapist keeps asking me why I have all these negative thoughts about myself. Because I tell him that Summer deserves better than me. I always reply back that I have no clue as to why I do this. I'm always putting myself down.
Well after reading this exert from Digger's post something hit me. When I was around 10 or so my sister and I were molested by our cousin. My sister was 2 years younger than me. He was about 16 or 17 at the time. It actually went on for over a year. This same cousin was the ring bearer at my parents wedding. I won't go into detail about what he did to us. I don't think that is important to know about. Let's just say that it really effected us both. It's the main reason my sister turned to drugs and was on the harder drugs. She wanted to die.
Now here is the thing that touches on the post that Digger wrote. When he said "But I suspect that most people who were victims of this would NOT want to talk about it with anyone." That part rang so true to me. My sister and I finally told our parents about what had happened after I was out of high school. We never talked about it to even between the two of us. A few years ago I had the opportunity to confront this cousin at a funeral that we both attended. I was SO looking forward to seeing him and telling him off. But when the time came I chickened out. It was not because of where we were at, but because the old fears came rushing back.
My dad did not chicken out though. After the funeral we all went to a pizza place for pizza and LOTS of beer. On the way in my dad and cousin were the last ones to enter the place. Cousin held the door open for my dad and held out his hand to shake with my dad. My dad in return said "Don't offer to shake my hand. My wife and I know what you did to our kids. If you ever come near them or any of the family again we'll let the whole family know, and you'll be a dead man". Cousin closed the door and he has not been seen since then. That was 3.5 years ago.

So here is where the guilt comes in. At the time I never new what molestation was. We lived in a little Northern California town. The population was about 80 people. I had to ride the bus an hour each way just to get to school. So we didn't know what rape was, or gangs or any of that crap associated with living in the city. So by not knowing about it we never told anyone. The part that is even worse is that after he was done with me I was forced to watch him with my sister. So there is a lot of guilt tied up in that. I never did anything to stop him from hurting my sister. I was her older brother. The one that is supposed to be looking out for her. So that is where all of the self hating and low esteem comes from. I feel like I don't deserve to be loves by my wife because of my past. I guess we all have our scars.

That early experience in my life has also done other things to me as well. When I was just starting to notice my sexuality I thought that because of what happened and that I LET it happen that I was homosexual. So I had a few "experiences" in my early years. Although they were quite pleasing and fun they were not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Sometimes I do still wonder though.

So in closing I would like to be able to face my molester and had the chance to do so. But I really think that it is better that I did chicken out. With my temper it would have landed me in jail.

An open letter to Summer Rose

I know that I fucked up big time in our marriage over the last 12 years. But over the last two years I have tried to make big changes in my attitude. I'm doing the things that I have said that I would do but always seemed to put off in the past. The biggest of those is going to see a therapist. Which is getting harder now because he booked up until the middle of March, and my dick head boss is getting mad at me for taking time off work to go to my appointments. And he's one of the people that told me I needed to find out what is going on in my head.
Well I've got news for you Asshole! It's my time to take off as I please. I earned the vacation and sick leave and comp time. I'll whenever I want and however I want. Just be glad that I only take off the time necessary to do the appointment and come back to work. I could always take the whole day off.

So anyways to the topic I came to talk about. Got side tracked for a moment.
It seems almost impossible for you and I to have a conversation anymore. Mainly because of the things that I have done in the past.
I know that I hurt you.
I know that I was driving you away.
I know that I wasn't the model husband.
I know that I have caused a lot of wounds that will take time to heal.

But when will we be able to do something positive for each other? I want so much to be able to talk to you like adults. I want to have a real conversation with you. I want to have a conversation where we both talk to each other. We both share our feelings and thoughts.
But we can't seem to have those conversations because you won't let me live down my mistakes. Everytime I try to talk to you, I can see you start to shut down. Your eyes glaze over and you get a far off look on your face. You just stare off into space. It don't matter what I say or how I say it. I might as well start yelling at you again. I'd get the same response from you. I'm not doing that though. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. If I start to get upset I tell you. I don't yell at you. If I get mad I tell you. If I get mad at someone else when I'm talking to you and my voice gets louder I'm becoming aware of it now. And I tell you who it is that I'm mad at. Just to make sure you know that it is not you that I'm raising my voice too.
But it don't do any good.
As soon as I try to you, you get this look on your face like I'm still yelling at you. That's all you see in me anymore. To you I'm still some big monster. Does it even matter to you that I have made these changes? Do you even notice or care? It has been 4 days since my last appointment and you won't talk to me about it. (Except in the line at a buffet restaurant. Not a place I feel comfortable talking about it.)
This is so frustrating. I have everything in my mind that I want to say but it won't come out right.

You keep telling me that you love me and that you have forgiven me for what
I have done to you. But in the same conversation you will shut me out because all you hear in me is yelling.
Yes I know that I am the one who put us in that situation. And I don't expect you to forget what I have done. But what I would like is for to STOP throwing it my face everytime I try to talk to you.
Or if something is bothering you and you make it completely obvious that something is wrong then talk to me about it. Don't tell me that nothing is wrong and then tell me to leave the room. That's why I'm here writing this to you instead of talking to you about it. There is something wrong and instead of telling me about it you kick me out of OUR bedroom.

So here is a question for you that my therapist keeps asking me. I tell him that you still have thoughts about leaving me. I told him that back in June I found out that you had even applied for an apartment. (That was during the 2 month period that I stopped blogging.) But he says "Well she's still with you isn't she? Why do you think that is? She must be there for a reason." And that is the question for you. Why is it that you are here? If you won't talk to me, or share you feelings, or share your dreams and wants and needs with me, then why are you here?
You tell me that you love me but it's not the same as it used to be. So what does that mean?
You say you love me but your not 'in love' with me. What does that mean?
Where do you see us in 2 years? How bout in 5 or 10 years?
Are we even having a marriage together or are we just going through the motions?
Are you just sticking it out with me until the kids get older?
Do we just have different ideas of what a marriage should be? If so wouldn't it be helpful to talk about it?
These are things that I really need to know.
I need to know if we still have a future together.
I love you with all my heart. Always have and always will. Even though I'm being told it's wrong to feel this way, you are my whole world. You mean everything to me. I'm really trying to make things better for us and the kids. I just need to know sometimes if it is doing any good or not. There are some things that I need your help with. I can't do this alone. I'm asking for your help.
I love you!
Jeremy

A short update

I don't have much time to update tonight. I've been helping my parents move today. It's getting late and I need to get back over early in the morning to help some more.

So you all know how my V-day went. Summer and I didn't talk to each other until after I came home from work on Wed. by that time we talked a little bit, took a shower, had fun in the shower, and went to get the ring sized. Mainly she said that she was upset because she did not buy me anything for V-day and because my b-day gift had not been shipped to me yet. I told her that did not matter much to me anyways. To me V-day gifts are more for women than men anyways. So everything is fine on that front.

Went to see the shrink again today. We figured out why I have always been the way that I am with Summer in the past. Because I have always felt that I was not good enough for her. So I would do the things I did to give a reason to leave and be with somone else that she deserved to be with. So now we are trying to find out why I have all these thoughts in my head. The ones that are always dragging me down.

Well that is going to be all for tonight. I need a shower and sleep. I hate moving. If only I new of a good massage therapist to go to. That way I could get my back and feet worked on so I won't feel so bad. ;-D

Good Night!

Well how was your day?

So how was everyone's Valentines Day? Mine wasn't to good. I think that I'm pretty much done with it for good. No more presents, cards, flowers, or any of that other crappy bull shit.

I was SO excited about V-day while I was at work today. I couldn't wait to come home and give Summer her present. I was so excited that I almost gave it to her last night.

What a waste of anticipation that turned out to be.

So what did I give the love of my life? The woman that means everything to me and gives my life meaning. I bought her a diamond bridal set. Nothing fancy as I could not afford a nice engagement ring and wedding band like I bought her over 12 years ago. But I got her what I could pay cash for. It was a diamond engagement ring with 4 diamonds channeled in it and a wedding band that has about 6 diamonds channeled in it.

While I was at work I bought her 3 roses. Came home and got her card out of hiding, put the rings in the stuffed animal that I got to hide it in, and presented everything to her.

How did she react you might ask? Well I'll tell you. She got MAD at me. She got mad at me for spending the money. Mad at me because she didn't get me a v-day gift. Mad because I bought her a wedding ring. (Which she new that I wanted to get for her for the last 5 years since her original disappeared.)

I don't care that she didn't get me a v-day gift. That's fine. She did get me a b-day gift. It just won't be here until Fri. sometime. We had the money to spend. Our credit cards are paid off. I did not charge it. I paid CASH!

I did not buy it for her to get sex from her.
I did not buy it to get a gift in return from her.
I did not buy it because I felt obligated to.

I bought it simply for the reason that I love her.
I bought it because to me wedding ring is an important part of marriage. I'm not sure why but it is. It may go back to what FTN had to say in his post today. My grandfather died of alzheimers in 1983. To this day my Grandmother still wears her wedding ring. Because it is a huge part of marriage and love.

So now that I have given her her gift we have hardly spoken to each other the rest of the day. I got home from work at 3:30. It's now after 9:00 and we have spoken maybe 20 words to each other.

She tells me that she loves me.
In my head I say how? How can you love me and not want to wear a wedding ring?

She just looks at me and says nothing. When she did speak to me an hour ago it was with a rotten tone of voice biting my head off for nothing.

So now I don't know what to think. Does she really love me? Should I take the ring back to the store? How damn embarrassing is that going to be? Should I just let it sit in a drawer and collect dust? Or should I take this as a sign that she don't love me, and don't want to be married to me?

I just feel like shit right now. I'm sick to my stomach. I hurt.

So this is why next year and all years to follow I'm just going to say FUCK YOU to Valentines Day. It's not worth the trouble or heartache.

Post #100!!!!!!!!

Well here it is. My 100th post. I wanted to do something for this post but alas I couldn't think of anything original.

Anyways tomorrow is my 32nd birthday. AND it's a state holiday so I don't have to deal with the ass holes that I work with. I've got a 3 day weekend this weekend and next weekend. Not doing anything for my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to try making something new. A cherry crisp desert. I know. I've got nothin here.
Then there's Valentines day on Tue. I truly can not wait until Tue. I got Summer a great gift. But can't tell you what it is until Wed. She keeps asking me what I got her.

Well here's a blast from the past. I'm going to do a little bitching here. It may make me sound like an ass here but it's just how I'm feeling at the moment. The other day Summer's friend called up and had a major problem with her DH and DD. Now I understand that friends are supposed to be there for each other. That's not the issue. The problem arises when she has spent more time talking to her on the phone than she has to me in person. I'm starting to feel like the only way to get her to talk to me even when we are in the same house is to call her on the phone. I even mentioned that to her. But it was like I was talking to myself. Yesterday she was on the phone with her more times than I could keep track of. Plus there's the leaving after dinner and not coming home till almost midnight. After she spent most of the time since I get home from work on the phone with her.
the other thing is that now all of a sudden ALL men do the things that her friends husband did. Now I'm not stupid enough to do what her did. That thing would never even cross my mind as something to do. As to what happened I'll leave that to Summer to post if she wishes to do so.
Like I said I know I sound like a complete ass but I just needed to vent a little bit here.

So today we got out of the house and did something as a family. Originally we were going to go to Pt. Reyes for the day. But we never made it. Summer and I stayed in bed to long this morning so we didn't leave until almost noon. We ended up going to the lake instead. Had a picnic lunch and let the kids throw rocks for awhile.We had a pretty good time. The kids really enjoyed throwing rocks in the water. Next time we go up there though Summer and I need to have our fishing licenses. The kids really wanted to go fishing put we haven't bought our licenses yet. We also decided that the next time we decide to go somewhere for a day trip we need to make the plans ahead of time. We didn't make up our minds until after 9:00 this morning. That's what made us not go to the coast. So next time we will make up our minds the night before so we can get out of bed earlier. You know the really sickening thing? (Well not that sickening but it is why we didn't make the coast) I was awake at 5:30 this morning. I was just enjoying being in bed with Summer so I didn't want to get up.



*****Note: Pictured here is the always beautiful Summer Rose (wearing my favorite jeans), with our 2 boys throwing rocks in the lake. ******

I've been a bad Blogger

I've been having a hard time trying to get time to post anything on here lately. It's not for lack of things to say but rather a lack of time to say things in.

Things have been going so-so the last few weeks. I went to the psychiatrist appointment last week on Fri. Summer and I are finally starting to get over the colds that we had. But the biggest issue is our youngest son. As Summer posted in this post we put our youngest son on medication for ADD/ADHD. He is taking a med called Concerta (or Methylphenidate (yes it is a Methamphetamine)). The med seems to be doing it's job but it has been taking it's toll on Summer and myself. Neither of us wanted to put him on medication. So along with the meds we told the Dr. that we wanted more than that. So we are having him see a counselor starting next month. His Dr. is also setting us up with a specialist who deals with kids with ADD/ADHD.
His teachers are seeing an improvement in him at school and we are seeing an improvement in him at home as well. He don't throw as many tantrums as before and he listens better. But he don't want to sleep at night anymore now. We had finally gotten him out of our room for about 2 weeks. Then he went on the meds and right back he came. The sleeplessness comes from the meth in the med. We are asking that if anyone has experience with this medication or with ADD/ADHD please feel free to email me with any info you have. confusedhusband@comcast.net

So as I said in a comment over at Unsolicited Advice Summer is not taking the fact that youngest son is on meds. She keeps crying at night about it and asking what she has done wrong that our son needs to be on this medication. I really feel helpless right now with her. I hate to see her this way. There is nothing that she has done. She has been a great mom for our boys. For some reason some things just happen. It has nothing to do with what she has done. I really want to see her happy again. So in trying to do that I emailed my cousin last night that has the cabin in Tahoe we went to back in Aug. We're going to try and get the cabin again next month for a few days to just get away from reality for awhile. Maybe being up in the snow and away from the modern amentities will do us some good. No phones, no TV, no computer's, no traffic. The great getaway place.

I'm going to go ahead and end this here for now. Maybe later tonight I'll post about how my appointment went on Fri.

I've been PUNKED!

Well recently I have been punked by over by Digger over at Reality and Redemption. So here's what I'm supposed to do ----List 5 imperfections that you find annoying but could or have learned to live with. These are NOT deal breakers but they are irritating and annoying. But if your 8 perfect characteristics were met, you could learn to put up with these.


Pass this on to 5 people. Preferably those with impossibly high standards.

Now I'm going to play along here. But in order to keep the piece in my household I'm not going to reveal to you whether these are things that I deal with or that I wouldn't want no matter who I was with. (Hope that made sense, I'm all medicated at the moment. :-D )

First off I can't be with a woman that is overly concerned with her physical features. I mean she should take care of herself and all that. What I'm talking about are the woman who feel that their self worth comes from their breasts. Or if they have had children and think that they are ugly because of the stretch marks. Or think that they are unattractive because they're breasts are to big and they want a reduction. If you want to be with me you need to be happy with the skin that you are in. No need for plastic surgery or any of that B.S.

A person that is constantly late is not going to fair to well with me. If we are supposed to be somewhere at 5:30, and it takes 30 minutes to drive there don't wait until 4:30 to start getting yourself all done up with the hair and makeup. I can't stand to be late for anything. If I'm 10 minutes early, that means I'm late by my standards. That comes from my being in the Army.

Closed mindedness is also a deal breaker for me. I want someone that will be open to new ideas and new experiences. I like to experience all sorts of new things. But if someone is always saying "No" it takes the fun out of having someone to share the experience with. Especially in the bedroom. I'm not talking S&M or shit like that. But Hot wild monkey love every once in a while would be nice. You know throw in something new every now and then. Let's try role playing, or let's try incorporating some toys in the bedroom.

Someone that keeps all their thoughts to themselves is not going to make it with me either. I love to talk about things. One of my biggest triggers is someone who will not say anything during a conversation. If person A asks person B a simple question like what's for dinner? And person B just states at the ceiling that's a huge trigger. To me that is rude and disrespectful.

Lastly if someone don't get the things that I am into. Like my preferences in movies. I LOVE satire type movies. Airplane!, Space Balls, The Naked Gun, The History of the World PartI. Those movies keep me rolling on the floor from start to finish. But when someone refuses to sit and watch those movies with me because they are "stupid and immature" it makes me feel stupid and immature. Especially when I sit through sappy girlie movies. Like Steele Magnolias, and Erin Brokovich. IF you don't get my sense of humor that's fine. But if you expect me to sit through a sappy love story than be prepared to sit through a stupid comedy. (Right now I'm laughing my ass off just thinking about Airplane!)

I'll even throw in a bonus.
Dishonesty. I can't be with someone that is a constant liar. Or a person that has been caught in a HUGE lie. I'm open to many things. As long as my partner is open and honest with me about what she wants. Or the biggest thing on honesty if there is something that will make a huge impact on my life that involves you and me then tell me about it. Don't let me hear about it through the grapevine.



So there you have it. My 5 traits that annoy me but I'm willing to live with. Some of them deal directly with Summer. Others came from past relationships. I'm trying to keep the piece here remember?
So now I need to tag 5 other people. That might be tough to come up with. But I'll try.
1)Summer Rose

2)Michael

3)Daddy's Little Girl

4)Lisa (if she is even around anymore)
I think that should do it for now. The meds are really starting to kick in so I can't think straight any more.

But I do need to post another update sometime tomorrow and go over the latest shrink appointment. This time it went a LOT better than the last one. I was even upset when it was over because the hour seemed to go by so fast. It seemed like I had just sat down and it was over.
Till next time!

We're sick

Yup. Summer and I woke up with really bad sore throats this morning. I actually woke up around 1 with mine. That's about the time that she went to sleep with the youngest. He was actually doing really good the past few weeks about sleeping alone ALL night in his room alone. But we got him some meds from the Dr. on Fri. and since he started taking them he hasn't been sleeping well. He's also got a pretty bed nose thing going on but that might be a side effect from the meds. Need to talk to the doc and check with him. So anyways here I am home from work today. Summer had to go in to do a massage today because she can't take any sick days yet.

We had our taxes done the other day. Let me just say that it was a big waste of money to pay someone else to do it. I wanted to have someone do it because of buying the house and Summer's business. Well we weren't able to claim the interest paid in the house because the standard deduction was more than the interest we paid. And the business stuff was extremely easy. So I'm not sure what we will do next year. I think I'm going to buy Turbo Tax and do it myself, and if I have a problem then make an appointment to have it done.
But at least we will be getting some money in return. In about 10-15 days we should have the money directly put in the checking account. We've got the money coming and it's already spent. Nope. We're not going to Vegas. That was a come and gone idea. Instead we are going to put a timing chain in my truck. Buy Summer a Massage Chair for her business along with a laptop, and new printer. When my parents move in a few weeks we'll be buying their spare bed for the kids, and try having them in the same room on bunk beds. Not sure if we have any other major purchases planned. Just clothes for the kids and paying off the Visa. (Yes Visa come first) :)
Here's to hoping you all have a good week.

Monster Jam!

so we went to Monster Jam last night. It was awesome as usual. The kids had a blast. They are already talking about next year. So are Summer and I. We're thinking that next year we might get box seats instead of the regular seating. Give us a little more room. Summer and I are actually considering going to Las Vegas with the kids in March for the world finals. If we can swing it with the tax money. We'll make a long weekend out of it if we go. Drive down on Fri. morning and watch the qualifying runs that night. Then do some site seeing on Sat. morning. I've always wanted to go to Vegas and see the strip. Then watch the main show on Sat. night. Sun. morning we do a little more site seeing and make the long drive home.


But that will all be determined on whether we get enough of a return to afford it. If we can't afford that then we are thinking of going to the Freestyle Motocross (FMX) next month and taking my sister.

Other than that not much of note to tell about. I stayed home from work on Wed. morning. Summer and I took the youngest to school and went out to breakfast. When we got home we layed town and talked for a little bit and took a short nap before youngest came home from school. We even went out to lunch that day too. All in all I think it was a good day. We talked for awhile and got some alone time without the kids. She's still a little uncomfortable being alone with me and that's understandable. I'm not expecting her to change overnight. I just wish it would move along in more noticeable forms. It's like I'm seeing to different people with her. Between what she says and does around me and what she says to others. But it's still moving in the right direction. At least that's my opinion.

I'm actually looking forward to my next session with the Dr. I'm hoping this one will go a little better than the last. Not saying that the last was wrong. I'm also hoping that the time doesn't go by so fast this time. The hour just flew by last week. I really need to start on the assignment that he gave me to do. I've actually started it but it seems that I have writers block whenever I try to write it down. Which is weird considering that I'm writing fine here.

AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

That's me pulling out my hair.

Just to forewarn you this is going to be a bitch session.
So here's the thing. As you've gathered from my previous postings money is tight around the Confused household. But we have always managed to get by. We started the week off with 30 bucks to last the rest of the pay period. By this morning we were overdrawn in the checking due to 2 empty gas tanks and a lack of milk and other necessities. Then salvation came in the form of an OT check with 20 hours on it for the work done over New Years weekend. So we now have some extra money that I had been waiting for. Here's the problem. Every year for the last 5 years I have taken our oldest to see the Monster Trucks. Last year the whole family went. So they are back in town this weekend. Naturally the kids and I want to go back this year. We have the money to go. I busted my ass for 20 hours extra to get this money. Now she's saying that we can't go because we can't afford it. Instead we need to get haircuts for the boys. Now I know they need haircuts. But I don't work weekends and holidays or any overtime for haircuts. I work the overtime so we can do enjoyable things. I don't enjoy haircuts. I work Mon. through Fri. for haircuts and other stuff like that. Especially since any massage money that she makes outside of her paycheck job is hers to spend the way she pleases. I'd like to spend my extra income the way that I please. It's always been the double standard when it comes to stuff like that. If she used to get a bonus from the grocery store it was hers to do with as she pleased. I work overtime, or get some extra money somewhere it goes into the household income. ie- groceries, gas, bills.

Now she's saying"I said we could go. It was up to you." Well truth is she never said that. I've gotten nothing but attitude about it all night. She just gives me non answers. i.e.- I don't know, or do what you want.

Well I'm done bitching now. I'm going to go try to salvage whets left of the night. This post may even be deleted in a day or 2.

Well I'm going to start this off on a really happy note today. When I woke up Thu. morning my son came to me as I was walking out the door for work. He said "Dad I prayed to God last night that he will take care of our cat and bring her home." I told him that was a smart thing to do. So guess what happens an hour later.
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. Well did you guess?


Summer calls me up all excited and said that her kitty came home. Apparently our oldest son saw her as he was walking to the bus stop. He called her and she came up top him and he carried her home. So the house is much happier now.

So I went to the shrink on Fri. afternoon. It was alright I guess. Nothing like what I was expecting it to be like. But then again I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting. He did give an assignment though that I really need to start. He wants me to make up a list of all the things that would set off my temper, then bring it to the next appointment in a few weeks.
so we talked about some things but nothing really that I wanted to focus on. I wanted to focus more on why I feel so depressed at times and also why it is that I have a hard time controlling my temper. He on the other hand wanted to focus more on my marriage to Summer. Although he did say something about our relationship that makes sense. He says that when I always ask her what is wrong or what is bothering her, and she says nothing or I'm fine, it is basically the same thing as constantly bringing her daisies and she don't like daisies. (That was big run on sentence but I couldn't find a way to fix it. Oh well.)
But to me I always saw it as a way of letting her know that I love her so much that I can really tell that something is bothering her. I also said that in a way I do this because you do to people what you want them to do to you. So I when I ask her what is wrong I am wanting her to do the same for me when I have something that is bothering me. Because I fell that if she truly loves me she will ask me if something bothering me when I do things that show I'm bothered. If she don't ask me what is wrong I'm not going to just openly tell her what is wrong. In my mind I think that if she don't ask me then she don't really care to know. No matter how much I want to get it off my chest.
Anyways the whole point to this is that he told me that in doing this I am not being honest with my wife. If something is bothering me I just need to tell her as soon as we get some alone time together. I am also not being considerate of her feelings by asking her what's wrong when she clearly don't want to tell me.
This is going to take some time to start implementing into our daily routines.

I did some more thinking back into my past the other day. Specifically thinking about when the first instance of depression happened to me that I can remember. So far the earliest occurrence that I could come up with was my senior year of high school. I was going through an awful lot of things back then. Most of them things that are only important to a teenage mind. I guess the biggest of those was that I was 18, almost ready to graduate, and I still never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl, been on a date with anyone, and of all the people in my circle of friends I was the only virgin. Like I said a bunch of petty teenage bullshit. But to my 18 year old mind those were the most important things in the world. But then again looking back on it at least I wasn't like some of my friends growing up. Like a friend of mine that was my neighbor from 7th grade to 10th. She got pregnant our freshman year. Ended up being home schooled for 2 years. Or a friend my sr. year who had to drop out of sports to support his baby with his ex girlfriend. But none of that taught me a lesson as I got my ex pregnant 18 months after high school.
Well I think I should get off that subject now.

So how are you all doing?

Just some randomness

Well things with the mold are worse than I had originally thought they were. While trying to clean the walls yesterday Summer found a real bad spot on the window sill. As she was wiping it down some pieces of sheetrock started to flake off. I looked at it and found a chunk that was ready to fall off. So I pulled it off to take a look at it. There is mold in the sheetrock. Also the 2x4 under the sheetrock for the sill is wet also. So we will be calling the insurance company and see what they have to say. I found out we have a completely different company than my parents had. The thing that will hurt us is that we had this problem before we bought the house and bought it anyways. That's the end of the mold postings for awhile.

The house is a little bit upset the past 2 days. Our cat got outside the house yesterday morning. Usually she comes back after about an hour or two. Well it has been 32 hours and she still has not returned. Summer had a really hard time sleeping because her cat was not here. She kept waking up and looking out the front door calling the cat. I'd like to have the cat home but she's nothing that I'm going to lose sleep over. It wouldn't be to bad if the it weren't for the kids being almost in tears because she is gone.

Now to the Self Discovery that the title of my blog refers to. While out hunting over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend about 8 hours alone. I find that when I'm alone I get bored very easily. When I get bored I eat. So in that period of time I ate half a Costco sized bag of Ruffles and whatever else I could find. I found out that when there is no one around to talk to I get bored very easily. But on the other hand I am very picky about who I am willing to be around.
I found that I use food as a comfort zone like my mom used to. That is something that really needs to stop. I'm big enough as it is.

I just realized while looking at my dashboard that I'm almost at the 100 post mark. In fact the post that I'm writing is #93. So I've decided that in the spirit of being open and honest in this Blog I will have you ask me anything that you want to know about me. (Well almost anything. Nothing to revealing.) I will answer all these questions on my 100th post. Unless I don't have any interest from the readership then I'll think of something else to comemerate the occasion.

Less than 2 days till I see the shrink. I probably won't post anything until after the appointment.

One last thing. For the last 5-6 years we have been doing our own taxes using Turbo Tax on my parents computer. This year My parents won't be buying the program because of the sale of the house we are living in and due to my dads retirement. They want to make sure it all correct. I also don't want to buy the program myself because of Summer's business and buying the house. I want to make sure everything is done right then do it myself next year. How do you pick a good tax person? I want someone who knows all the ins and outs. Not someone who is just hired help for the season. Thanks in advance!

As if they couldn't get worse

I thought we were finally going to start seeing some better times. How wrong was I?!?! Where should I start?

Well over the weekend We did our usual Sat. laundry which includes washing all the bedding in the house. We do this every Sat. So every Sat. we have to make all the beds in the house. We come home from my Grandma's 82 birthday around 8:30 and start to make the beds. Suddenly I here Summer scream from the youngest's room and she's yelling for me to come into the room. I go in there and there is MOLD behind our son's bed. It was NOT there last Sat. when we did the laundry and made his bed. If you were to pull his bad away from the wall there would be a perfect outline of his bed on the wall. So we went through the rest of the house to find a perfect outline of our bed on the wall, Summer's dresser on another wall, a chair in the living room, and along the base boards in the Master Bath. Lovely. Just what we needed. We've only made 2 payments on this house. So now I'm at home from work today so that I can try to bleach the walls. I'm just waiting for Summer to get home from dropping youngest off at the babysitters so she can help me with the cleanup.

A little history on the mold issues with our house. We had a huge mold problem when we first moved into the house 5 years ago. Back then we were renting from my parents. We had some people come and inspect the house. We were told that the mold was NOT inside the walls, but was just on the exterior of the paint. (We cut a few holes in the wall to check for mold inside the walls.) They said the carpet needed to be removed because it was infected also. We had to replace all the mattresses, through away stuffed animals that have been in the family since the early 1900's, rebuild the Master Bath, and install french drains in the front and rear of the house to keep water from getting underneath the house's crawl space. We lived in the house for 18 months with no carpet. Oh we also installed a new heater and new vents in the rooms and new duct work. So another winter went by after all the work was done. The mold never returned. So we installed new carpet. That was 3 years ago. For the last 3+ years we have been mold free. Until the huge storm that came through here over New Years weekend. We had over 5 inches of rain in a 24 hour period. It was more water than the drains we installed could handle.
So in a little over 2 weeks since the storm we now have a mold problem again. And Home Owners won't cover the issue either. We went through that when my parents owned the house. They went to the insurance company and they sent out the mold inspectors. Insurance said that it was not something covered under the policy. A month later the insurance company dropped my parents policy on the house because of the liability or something like that.

So that's how shitty things are going right now.

Will things ever get better around here?

God i sound like a whinny little bitch here.

I'm really trying to keep up with things to write but I'm finding it more and more difficult to come up with things to write about. I really don't want to post all the complete details of my day to day life. Mostly because they aren't very interesting even to me. I'm not going to give up on this site as I like writing here. I really wish that I could come up with some real meaningful or insightful postings like some others but I'm just not that creative. So for now I'm going to use this as a place to just let out my frustrations so they don't interfere with my family life.

I came home from work early today so that I could take my truck in to have it smoged again. I did it on Wed. but it failed. Had a new cat put on yesterday, and it passed today. Of course it helped that the smog tech was my mechanics brother. ;) Amazing what a case of Budweiser can do.
Anyways back to my coming home early. As I was getting ready for a shower Summer came in and we sat on the bed talking a little bit. The topic came to Blogs and she was asking if I had read this post from FTN. I hadn't read it yet. She highly recommended it because she said it was hilarious. Then she asked if I had read pretty peanut. Again I said no. She told me about what she had posted today, and then she started to cry. I asked her if she was crying because of what was going on with pp. She said that was some of it but she was also upset because her mom's birthday would have been on Mon.
This is where I have the problem, and am asking for help. When she gets upset about her mom's death I really don't know what to say or do. When she cries about it I feel even more at a loss. She told me last year that she was mad at me because she felt that I didn't support her when her mom died. (I know this is taking a while but I'm getting there.) That was because I felt at a loss for words. So back to today. I wanted so badly to say something to her to make her feel better but couldn't come up with anything. So I just laid her down and held her for a few minutes before she had to pick up the youngest son. I never was good at dealing with death. Never knowing what to say. Saying they are in a better place seems so cliche' to me.
So here is the question- What should I do in a time like this? I know the right answer is to just hold her but to me it don't feel like enough.
What I did do though was after she left I put a card on the computer desk for her when she got home. It just said how much I love her. That was over 9 hours ago and I haven't heard a word about it from her. I know she opened it because of where it was when I got home from the smog test. I'm not expecting or even wanting earth moving mind blowing sex just because I gave her a card. But a simple 'Thank you' would be nice. Am I just being petty?

One last note for the day. While were out shopping at Sam's Club tonight I jokingly said lets get a laptop computer. She said why. I answered so the we could both be online Blogging at the same time. She said well this one is only 700 how bout it? You are the one that got me hooked on Blogging you know.
So she went from wanting nothing to do with Blogging to now she is willing to get a bottom of the line lap[top so that we can both Blog at the same time. Go figure. Now I just need to come up with about 800 after taxes and a carrying case.

That was a short bout

Well this last round of my funk was the shortest that I ever recall having. This one left as fast as it came. Have no real clue as to why it went away as quickly this time but no complaints here!
A random question though. Since Summer is my massage Therapist and I see her on a fairly regular schedule, does that mean I can forgo going to see a shrink? I mean she already is my Therapist. Right?





Ok so I guess that won't work. So the appointment still stands for next Fri.

We took s-i-l home on Sun. afternoon. While we were down there at the god mothers house (they have the same god mother) their god mother asked Summer and I if s-i-l could come live with us. We both said no. I know this goes against what I wrote a few months ago, but things have changed since then. We are tying to raise 2 kids of our own. We don't need to try and raise a 24 year old too. She really needs to hit rock bottom before she can get the help she needs. Right now she is trying to get other people to take care of her. She keeps going from place to place, until her welcome is worn. Then she finds someone else to support her. She has not worked a job in her 24 years of life. We just don't need the extra burden right now. For the 3 weeks she was here she stayed up till 3 in the morning watching TV or using the internet. Then sleep all morning on the couch.

Well that's enough of that.

I updated my Blogroll this afternoon. Added some sights that I have been reading for some time now. And a few that I just discovered in the last 2 days. One of those sights is shadesofwoe. I just found her last night after she left me a comment. Let me tell you that when I read her Blog it scared the crap out of me. I actually asked Summer if she had started a new blog that I wasn't supposed to know about (but then why would she have commented on mine? I just realized that.) The things she had to say sounded exactly like what we went through. Except for the playing games part. When it's time to go I want to go. I HATE to be late. Off topic. Sorry. But I read that and it started something in me. I still can't believe I was such an ass to her.

So we talked about it last night before we went to bed. She read the Blog after I was done. Well that talked let some things out that weren't to good. Some times apparently Summer regrets not leaving me. She even considers it at times still. The rest of the night was spent with "I don't know" as her responses to anything I had to say. Except that she says she loves me.
So now I'm back to being Confused Husband. How can she love me if she regrets not leaving and still contemplates leaving?
But surprisingly I'm not upset about it. It hurt when she said it, but it wasn't like when she said it earlier. I can't explain it. Maybe because for some reason I still expect to come home from work to an empty house some day. I actually have dreams about it. Not often but I still have them.
I guess it all goes back to it will take a long time for her to forgive what I have done, and she will never forget. Hopefully this appointment next week will help straighten things out. I already told my boss I don't care what is going on next week. I'm not canceling another appointment for him.

So back to shades of woe. I really don't know what to tell her to do about her husband. I wish I did. What I do suggest first is that she decide what she really wants to do. If she wants to leave she needs to be firm about it and just do it. Don't dilly dally around. If she wants to work things out with him she needs to make sure he listens. How to get him to listen I'm not sure. But if she loves the man she is married to she needs to make sure he listens and listens good. As many of my readers here know I also don't believe in separations like her DH. But the fear of it is what turned me around.
I wish I had more advice to give. I'm sure I do but can't come up with any at the moment. So I'll leave this to Shades of Woe. If you would like to have any questions answered for advice or insight into his thinking feel free to e mail me. I or Summer will be more than happy to help in any way we can.

Finally Friday!

I was beginning to think that today would never get here. Let's just say that I'm so glad it's over.

Well now I'm really feeling like shit. Not only is my funk (that's what I'm calling my state of mind right now) causing problems with me, but now it's really causing problems with Summer as well. She's walking around the house apologizing for shit that she didn't even do. This is so Fucked up! She's avoiding talking to me right now. Apparently she thinks she will say the wrong thing. That is SO not true. What I want more than anything right now is for her to sit with me and talk with me. She can't so the wrong thing to me as long as she is open and honest. I want to be with her. And at the same time I want to just be alone. I don't know what I want. I'm so .... oh I don't know what the word is. I just can't find anything to satisfy me at the moment. Nothing is on TV that looks interesting. I've read all your blogs over and over again. I can't sleep as I'm not tired enough. My s-i-l has us watching the STUPIDEST movie right now. Eurotrip.

Anyways I want to get drunk. But I don't like to drink alone. It's still early enough to say screw it though and drink anyways. I know it won't solve anything but I haven't been drunk since the incident where I thought she was moving out. (I thought I posted it but could not find it). I also want to smoke some of those cigarettes I found while hunting. I never did through them away. I could really use a Marlboro Light right now.

Anyways I'm going to sign off for the night. I feel like I'm whining to much here.

It's starting again

So the pictures to the left here depicts what I came home to on Sun. afternoon. I was supposed to be on a 3 day hunting trip with my uncle, (and a day with my dad) but my boss called me at around noon on Sun. and asked me to come home early due to all the flooding in my home town. So I came home early so that I could get a little extra cash. Ended up working 8 hours on New Years Day (NYD). Good thing that to me NYD is just another day. Anyways I had to come home to close down a highway because there was up to 2 feet of water over the top of it in places. Then when the tide went out I had to use the front loader to clean all the debri off the roadway so we could open it. Then yesterday was supposed to be the day that the state observed NYD so we were supposed to be off. Nope. Had to go to work again for 6 hours to fix a levee that was getting ready to give way. Tomorrow I will be working a really long shift again due to the tides. I will work from 7 in the morning (normal time) till about 10:30 at night. The water has been going over the highway at hi tide since Fri. night. So it will be my turn to close the road and clean it again tomorrow night.


For those of you keeping track last Fri. was supposed to be my first appointment with the shrink. Unfortunately I had to cancel the appointment. Because of the storms and high water that was predicted on the river I had to start work at 5 in the morning to pick up some equipment. I'm the only person in my yard that is licensed to drive a semi truck. So had to go to the bay area to pick up the semi then go towards Monterey to pick up a grader. Didn't get off work till 4:30 that night. I've just been a working 'Mo 'Fo the past few days. Since Fri. I've had 19 hours of ot. Plus at least 7 hours tomorrow. The checks will be nice but I don't like being married to my job. Any hoo. I told my boss that I he better be kissing my ass big time. First I canceled my shrink appointment for him, then I came home early from hunting for him. He asked if the shrink appointment was for anger management. I said yes it was. He said well you're handling it quite nicely. The anger in me wanted to tell him to blow me. But I bit my tongue. Instead I told him that now he can't say I have a bad attitude at work. He ignored that.

So this brings us to the title of this post. It seems that the depression is settling back in. For the last 2 days I have just been real moody, upset, pissed off at who knows what, felling like I want to be alone, stressed out, I take anything someone says to me as a personal attack, and a whole lot of other negative thoughts. I'm snapping at the littlest things and don't know why. And now I have to wait until the 20th of this month to see someone. The only thing that makes me feel any better is to hug Summer. Just being in her arms makes things feel better. Unfortunately it don't last long. Every time I try to hold her the youngest starts his attitude and she leaves. Which makes me more pissed and upset. What is wrong with me? I'm back to where I can't sleep at night anymore. I think the longest that I have slept since Thur. night is about 4 hours. The rest of the time I am tossing and turning. Plus the fact that the last week or so we have not been letting the youngest in our room at night. And I have not been letting Summer sleep in his bed when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Which means he screams. A lot. Loud. Long. Then he stops. And when we get up in the morning he is in his brothers bed. At this point that is fine with me. At least he is not in my bed. But the screaming is getting out of control at night. And it goes on for a long time. Every night. I just want to get away for a few days with Summer without the kids so we can just sleep. I don't want sex or anything else. I just want to be in her arms and sleep. Uninterrupted.
The other thing with my little emotional set back is that I have been thinking a lot of things that I just don't feel comfortable sharing. Even with people I don't see, and only see me as an anonymous person. I don't feel comfortable even thinking these thoughts. No I'm not thinking about the big S. Just thoughts about life's decisions. Any ways I'm just not in a good place at the moment. I just want these thoughts to end so I can be happy with my family.

My first tag!

A few days I was tagged by Michael. I had to go out of town (ie hunting) so I was unable to answer at the time. Well now I'm home and am ready to answer.

You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?
To be the husband and man that Summer needs me to be.


Wish for 6 more wishes.
1. To find out why I go through these anger, mad at the world stages.
2. A blogger convention. I had to steal this one from Michael. It sounds like a good idea. But then again the anonymity would be gone.
3. To stop being a procastinator.
4. I'd wish for money but that won't really bring me happiness.
5. I wish my son would sleep alone!
6. To be able to get a private tutor for my oldest son.

What animal would you be?
I would be a black lab. That way hunting would be expected of me from my boss.

Something you want to do in your life:
I want to go to Alaska to go big game hunting, and Canada to hunt geese.

One song you could listen to over and over again:
Bat Country by Avenged sevenfold

Coke or Pepsi?
Neither. Not enough caffeine. I prefer Mt. Dew.

Something you currently desire:
Hot monkey sex!

One good deed you've done lately:
Not sure

A funny moment in your life:
My mind is blank at the moment.


IÂ’m supposed to tag five other people now so here goes:


Summer Rose (bet you couldn't see that coming)
ftn
Lisa


I know I'm supposed to tag 5 but I think the rest of you have already been tagged.

To those that I have just tagged just copy and paste the above and putt your answers in your own post.

Christmas has come and gone

Kind of obvious right?

Anyways I hope you all had a happy Christmas. Ours was great. Outside of the stresses of getting things ready in time. But before we go there let's back up a couple of days. All the way back to Thu. after work. I came home from work and to my horror found that someone cleaned my garage. Some of you might not see that as a bad thing but let me tell you why. As dirty as my garage was (it barely had a walk way to get from the house to the driveway) I still new where my stuff was at. When I came home all my hunting stuff was buried. I opened my garbage can in the driveway and some of the stuff I need was in the garbage. All the stuff that was scattered on the floor was now piled up from the floor to the ceiling on one wall. Needless to say I was not in a good mood. I was actually kind of pissed. Most of that was due to working an 11 hour day but also because of my garage, we still needed to go shopping that night for more gifts, and I needed to make a dish for the Christmas party at work. Any ways back to the garage. Apparently my s-i-l got bored and decided to clean the garage for me. That is something that I do alone. I knew it was a mess but I knew where my things were. I was going to clean it after duck season ended next month.

OK enough of that. Had the party at work on Fri. then came home early because of the sickness that I had earlier in the week. It started up really bad again while out shopping on Thu. night. I spent the rest of the day in bed.

Sat. I woke up to an early Christmas present from Summer. We woke up early and she initiated! Yes it was a great morning. :) Spent the rest of the day locked in my room wrapping presents.
That night we did our family tradition of driving all over town looking at the Christmas lights. Usually we go to a different city every year but we couldn't get the gas for it this year. All the overtime that I wrote about earlier was supposed to be here before Christmas. Unfortunately Sacramento screwed up the checks and we won't get them until the end of this week now. Dam state.
One last thing of importance for Sat. On the 14th I ordered a Gameboy on line for my oldest son. The online deal came with 2 games. When I placed the order it guaranteed delivery by Christmas. Well it never came. Actually the gameboy came but the games didn't come. I called the Mart by phone and they said there was a problem with the delivery. It won't be here until the 27th. I got a little flustered with the guy and said what about "guaranteed delivery" does that mean anything? Now he has a game boy with no games to open on Christmas day. He said he was sorry. And he could cancel the order. I said that's great. You sold us the games online for half the price you sell them for in the stores. Plus we live 30 miles from the nearest store. He refunded the 4 dollar shipping fee. WooHoo. So Summer and I had to go to the nearest store and break down. We used the credit card to by some last minute gifts. But I'm still happy with the way our shopping ended up this year. We paid cash for everything except 50 bucks we charged.


Christmas Day!
Summer and I woke up early again. Around 6:30. Again she initiated! Thats all I needed for Christmas. I was a happy camper. She initiated 2 days in a row.

Now our kids are not anything like I was as a kid. My sister and I were knocking on my parents door at 5 in the morning asking if it was time to open presents. And that was when we were in high school. :) Our kids on the other hand were still asleep at 8:30 in the morning. We have to wake them up every year. After we woke them up they opened their presents We went to my parents house. For more presents and dinner.

Let's just say that Santa was extra generous to the whole family this year. We got $350 worth in Gift Certificates to Home Depot. Exactly what we needed. And a portable DVD player for the Exploder. now long trips won't be a fight with the kids. Hopefully. My mom, dad and I all got GPS units for Christmas. They were even the same brand. Just different models. I think the best gift of the day goes to my youngest son though. My sister bought him a self inflating whoopi cushion. Thanks sis.
Played Texas Hold 'Em last night with my sister, dad, and grandma. No one had money and we were just learning so we didn't use money. Just assigned different colors different values. To bad for me as I was the winner last night.

So today of course we had to spend those GC's from Home Depot. We went and bought a new front door and security door. Summer wanted the security door after the incident with the guy with the pink purse.

So now we are up to date. Had a hard time finding pics without people in it. I like the picture feature and might try to use it more. We'll see. There's a good pic of Summer and I but I'm not sure if she'd like it. So if it's ok to post it Summer let me know.

I've been sick

Sorry that I haven't been posting lately but I have been sick the last few days. Actually Summer and I have been sick for a few days. Thank God that her sister was here yesterday. I truly mean that too. Summer came home from work early and I was already at home from work sick. So s-i-l watched the kids while Summer and I were able to lay in bed and rest. I was to sick to even try to make a move on her. :( Now that is sick for me. I was feeling a little better last night so I tried to post but could not read the screen as I was seeing double. Couldn't read any of my favorites or anything.

So next week is my first appointment with the psychiatrist. It's a good thing too as our oldest son is really trying my patience at this time. He's done some really hurtful things the past few months and it's getting out of control. Sorry but that's all I can say at this point. But I will not be the only person seeing a shrink.

On to a kid subject that I can post about. I need help from experienced parents PLEASE. Our youngest son is 5 years old. From the day that he was brought home from the hospital he has slept in our bed with us. When he was 3 we got him to sleep in his own bed just to fall asleep. Then in the middle of the night he would wake up and walk into our room and climb in our bed. Without waking us up. We would wake up in the morning with him next to us. The only way we were able to get him to sleep in his own room all night was to sleep in there with him. About a month ago he finally started to sleep through the night in his own bed. Then after Summer quit the supermarket things went back to the way they were when he was 3. He is now back in our bed. He will fall asleep in his own bed but then in the middle of the night he crawls into our bed. We have tried many different things to get him to sleep in his bed in the past. Bought him a new bed, let him choose what he wants on the bed, letting him stay up till he fell asleep on his own, let him watch TV in his room till he falls asleep. When he first started to walk in the middle of the night we were told to put a lock on his door to keep him in there. I don't like that idea. Although they say it is for his safety because it keeps him where he is safe, and out of places where we can't see him. So what should we do?
Oh the only way to still get him to sleep in his bed just to fall asleep is to lay down with him. Then when he is asleep we can get up and leave. But then sometime between 10:30 and 6:00 he gets in our bed again.


One last thought for the day. As I was writing this I was also watching Dr. Drew on Discovery Health channel. One of the topics was a girl who had laser vagina reconstructive surgery. WHY??????? To me that seems like such a waste of money. So she had 3 kids. So what? Summer has had 2 kids and she is fine the way she is. What is the purpose of this? Is this what medical science is doing for us? Dr.s are now saying " Ok. So you've had a few kids and now your stretched out. Well thanks to medical science we can make you a virgin again.' What a waste. But that is just my opinion of course. Instead of tightening women's vagina's, lets cure breast cancer. Now that is a service that women really need.

Long weekend

Finally the weekend is over. Came home from work early on Fri. to get some housework done. Didn't turn out to well though. Had check book problems. It seems that using the check card wasn't such a good idea for presents this year. Although we did stick to our goal of no charging gifts on credit. The problem is that I would by stuff with the check card then come home and transfer from the savings to checking to cover the costs. Well I didn't do that soon enough on 1 occasion. Then Summer made an order online for me and didn't tell me. So that money didn't get transferred as well. Needless to say we bounced a few checks. I did get all the charges reversed though. The bank was supposed to transfer the money from savings to checking automaticly. Overdraft protection. But it wasn't set up like it was supposed to be. They refunded the bank charges.

Yesterday we picked up Summers sister. She will be staying with us for 3 weeks. The fun is already starting. After picking her up we went to the family Christmas party. It was great. My cousin introduced me to a new drink. Butterscotch Schnapps and Bailey's Irish Cream. MMMMMMM!!!!!!!! It was good. I got a Texas Hold 'Em set from the gift exchange. Now I need to learn how to play cards.

Attempted to go duck hunting today. A tree fell down and blocked the road to the club we were going to. So I got up early for nothing. We did pretty much finish all the shopping today. Just need the stocking stuffers.

Sorry it's short and boring but Summer wants the computer now. We really need another one.

Interesting conversation

Just wanted to let you all know that we are having a very good conversation over on Digger's Unsolicited Advice. I do recommend dropping by and giving it a read.



So today was a shitty day at work. I got sprayed in the face with emulsified asphalt. To hard to explain what it is. But lets say that it is hot and sticky. It is all over my face, beard and hair. I took a shower and was able to get most of it off my face. But it is still in my hair and beard. If it don't come out tomorrow I might have to shave my head and face. :(
My s-i-l got permission from her probation officer to come to our house for 3 weeks. So we are going to pick her up on Sat. morning. So we will be able to finish our shopping when she is here to watch the kids.
I just love shopping online. In a matter of 5 minutes sitting at home I was able to buy Summer 95% of her gifts. I'll finish the rest tomorrow online.
Sorry if it's not an exciting post but there's really not much happening. Still trying to figure out how to word what I want to say about my belief system. But some of it is coming out over on Digger's sight.

A correction

As I was re-reading last nights post I found a discrepancy. When I talked to the officer at work he did say that the police were notified about the guy at McDonald's. So I asked why was it then that there was no report of it in the police logs. He said because they never found the guy there was not a police report written. Therefore there was nothing to put into the logs.

An update on the guy with the purse

I talked to a police officer today at work. I was able to get the story from him about what really happened. The guy came to our house on Mon. morning as i said right after Summer walked in the door from taking our son to preschool. Then on Tue. around 3:30 or so the same guy was following 2 girls home from McDonald's. When they got close to my street the guy tried to coax them into his car by offering the little pink purse. They ran home and told their mom. Mom then called her husband who in turn called th police to make the complaint. The husband and wife also wanted to remain anonymous. So the police have no way of contacting them to get any more information. All that they were able to tell the police was a description of the vehicle he was driving.
The officer that I talked to said that they were patrolling the area for a few hours but were unable to locate the car. So I told him that I would have Summer call him when she was on her lunch break. She was able to give him a description of what the guy looked like. Apparently we are the only leads that they have. The officer did tell her that the next time someone comes over like that and looks suspicious to call the station. As long as they have a call about a suspicious person in a neighborhood they can stop him and talk to him. If they have no calls they can't stop him for just walking down the street. Interesting.
It is kinda freaky knowing that this guy has been in the vicinity for a few days trying to find little girls with a purse. SICKO! Hopefully I see him again. I really want this guy caught.

So much to talk about!

Well this might be a long post if I can stay awake. It's been a long week. I actually worked 20 hours of overtime since last Fri. night. I got called to work 3 times this past week for accidents on the highway. Then we had scheduled 8 hours for sealing cracks in the highway today. The interesting accident was last night. A person that goes to Summer's church (she's also the mom of one of our babysitters) was on the highway and tried to pass a fire truck. The truck WAS responding to a call and had it's red lights on. Well she tried to pass it and ended up T-boning it. Oh it was also in a no passing zone. Idiot number 1. Idiot number 2 was a person who tried to pass a hay truck on a 2 lane levee road. In the fog. He ended up driving off the levee and almost went into the river. Did I mention because of this idiot 5 other cars got hit? Luckily no one was injured. We just had to close down the highway for a few hours cleaning up the debri.
I'm not telling this to you all to bore you. I'm telling you so that you don't become like these other idiots. Please be careful when driving. Turn on your headlights in the fog. And DON'T pass emergency vehicles!

Now to the real posting. As I told you I stayed home from work on Mon. Well something happened that I never thought much about until yesterday. ***Side note: I'm finishing this now on Sun. afternoon. I was called back to work again last night and didn't get home till 1:30. So make that 24 hours of ot in the last week. End note. *** Now where did I leave off last night? Oh yeah. Mon. when I stayed home. So this guy comes and knocks on the door. Summer answers the door and this guy is asking her if we have any daughters or if we have any kids at all. He says he found this little pink purse on the street and is trying to find the 'poor little girl who lost her purse'. Summer tells him no we don't have any daughters. Well the guy sounded real pushy to me so I went to the door. I was sitting at the computer reading Blogs at the time. The desk was out of his sight so he didn't know I was there. As soon as I got to the door his whole attitude changed and he apologized for taking her time, and left.
Well on Thu. I was talking to a guy at work and his wife was talking to the principal at the elementary school. She said that a guy tried to lure 2 girls into his car earlier in the week with a little pink purse. The girls ran away from him. So we went to the police station to see if they knew anything. Well apparently the parents of the girls never told the police about the incident they just told the school.
So now both Summer and I a little bit on the paranoid side. I keep thinking about what might have happened if I wasn't home. Could it be possible that he knew she would be home alone on a Mon. morning and knew when she would be home from taking the youngest to school? He came to the door within minutes of her coming home. Summer keeps saying that she is glad that I stayed home from work that day. She's almost afraid to be home by herself now. Maybe I'm over reacting but that's just the way I am.

Now we go to Fri. night. I received the call from the Kaiser shrink and I have an appointment on the 30th of the month. Should be interesting. Summer and I went out to dinner without the kids that night. It was great. We had a good time together. But OMG it was expensive. Not really our dinner that was to be expected but the babysitter and the pizza for the kids. Since when did 2 medium pizzas cost 30 bucks?? 1 cheese and 1 pepperoni were 30 bucks. Holy crap. I was expecting maybe 20 tops. Really need to find different food for when we have a babysitter. After dinner we did a very small portion of Christmas shopping. By the time we got home it was 11:30 and the babysitter and our youngest son we crashed out on the couch. It took 10 minutes to wake her up so I could take her home. I felt bad about keeping her out so late. But apparently it was fine. I talked to her mom after work yesterday and she said anytime we wanted to use her to babysit that it would be fine. She was thrilled because our youngest told her that he loved her. But then again he tells everyone that he loves you if you give him what he wants. He's only 5.

I seem to have sparked up some interesting comments on my last post dealing with religion. As I said in a comment you all had some good points. I do have more to say about it but I need to get my thoughts together first. There are just to many things that I believe that go against everything that Christianity believes in. But more about that later.

Last weekend I told you that I had some things to talk about that I haven't talked about before. Well here it goes. So we have had quite a few conversations lately, and some of them have ben about sex. Without going into to much detail here after reading some of the Blogs that deal with clashing libido's, Summer told me that she thought that the only reason I was with her was because of sex. That could not be further from the truth. Yes I love to make love to my wife. Who wouldn't love to make love to their wife? But there is so much more than that. I married her because of who she is. She also seems to think that just because I touch her that I am trying to make love to her. That also is not true. I hold her, kiss her, touch her, all just to let her know that I love her. It's like digger of Reality and Redemption. I'm just looking for some intimacy. I don't ever want her to feel like I am pressuring her for sex. To me if she is being pressured then she won't be in to it. If she is not in to it then she won't enjoy it. If she don't enjoy it then I won't enjoy it. So why would I want to pressure her. The good thing is that since we have had these conversations She don't seem to be stressed out when I go to hold her at night.
So there you have it. I have posted a about sex and it was not offensive. (I hope).

This has been way to long of a post and I need to catch up on my reading so till next time.

A short post I promise

Well as predicted last night Summer stayed in the bedroom all night relaxing. I stayed on the computer until 10:30. I was fine with that I got to hold her for a little bit when I got in bed. The thing is that she told me earlier that she was in the mood for ice cream. So I went to the store and bought some Ben & Jerry's. MMMMMMMMM! Good Stuff. Well it's still in the freezer unopened. Why would she tell me she wants ice cream then lock herself in the bedroom? I just don't understand women.

On to what you all want to know about. I called Kaiser today. Unfortunately the counselor I wanted to see has moved to Oregon. So I can't see her. Summer is glad because when we saw this person for marriage counseling a few years ago she didn't like the counselor. But this time she's not going so what difference does it make? Anyways they would not set up an appointment for me yet. They need to have one of there psychiatrist's call me between 2 and 4 on Fri. to talk to me and see what I want and which person I should see. Then they will make the appointment.

I tried to have a conversation about religion again with Summer. But it didn't go to well. I felt like I was being talked down to. All I wanted to know was what exactly is an evangelical Christian. When I hear the word evangelical I think of TV people who try to take your money. Then we started to talk about how I don't like the way that different religions always say that they are right and all others are wrong. Like my friend who is Christian says that only Christians go to heaven. None of the others do (Catholic, Jew, Mormon, etc.). My Grandma who is Catholic believes that Catholics are the right religion. And so on and so on. I believe that it don't matter what religion you believe in as long as you believe in something. Am I wrong?

Sorry it was longer than I wanted it to be.

It's back! (again)

Well It's finally back! Again. Yes Summer's Exploder is finally out of the shop again. It was released back into our custody last night. It runs great now. Much quieter than it was before, has more power off the line now (I could be just used to my Yota to though), and is pleasant to drive. Oh the most important part: It only cost 400 to fix it. The owner only charged 4 hours of labor and parts. So we didn't come close to breaking the bank. Our youngest son though almost did just that.

So I'm doing laundry on Sat. afternoon when I notice water all over the garage floor. The washer machine is spilling water from the drain onto the floor. So I run a snake down the drain. It still is not draining. So I go into the house and there is sewer water in the tub (front bathroom) and in the shower (Master bath). Great. Youngest son used too much tp again. So I run the snake in the cleanout in front of the house. It works enough to get the drains flowing. So I thought it was fixed.
Go hunting again on Sun. (it sucked again.) and when I get home and start dishes the shower is backing up with sewage again. Apparently I didn't clear the whole clog on Sat. and Summer and the kids were just piling tp against the clog all day. It was to dark to do anything that night so I called in sick to work yesterday. We ended up calling a plumber. That plumber charged us $214.00 to come run a snake down the cleanout. I couldn't believe it. I was glad he was able to use the cleanout though. He would have had to charge us 170 PER toilet to remove them and run a snake down those drains. What a rip off. But I was so glad that we had the money in the savings account to pay him. That way we didn't need to the Visa. The rest of the day was spent with Summer reading Blogs and making cookies. Finally. So we will start Christmas shopping this weekend. My dad and I have decided to take this weekend off of hunting. There is to much other stuff to do. I'm scheduled to work 8 hours of overtime on Sat. YAY :-)

Things between Summer and I are still going good. I'm calling Kaiser to make an appt. with a counselor tomorrow after work. Need to set a reminder. Was going to do it today but ended up putting the lights outside the house after work today.

In reading Summer's Blog I see that she is thinking about no longer posting on her site. She said that writing on it has caused me to much pain. Although it has hurt me reading what she writes, it's not the way she thinks it is. It hurts me because of what I have done to her to hurt her. At the same time I am so glad that she has written her feelings out. She has kept them in for so long now. She does admit that she feels better letting it all out. She also thinks that it is taking to much time from other things. Now that I can understand. Not saying she has more important things to do. I really want her to take more time for herself. That is one of the things that seems to be helping us out is me giving her more of her own time. For instance right now. We both had long days today and we both want to relax and unwind. We just have different ways of doing that. I want to be with her and just sit on the couch and hold her. That is how I unwind. She in the other hand wants to sit in the bedroom alone and read her bible. So I'm on the computer writing while she gets her alone time to relax. Then in about an hour I won't be able to take it anymore and got to bed.

I can't seem to find a fitting way to close tonight. So for now let's just say good night.

Where do I begin?

The last few days have definitely been interesting. Summer started her new job on Thu. We found out some things about the job that just didn't sit right with me. I tried to talk to her about them but she took it the wrong way. We thought originally that if she wasn't doing massages she would be answering phones and getting paid to do clerical work. That is not the case. If she is doing no massages she is not getting paid at all. In fact if she doesn't have a massage scheduled for that day then she don't report to work. Her employment status is 'on-call'. But she wants to go to work every day that she is scheduled to be there even though she is not being paid. Which is fine. It shows good work ethics. But here's the thing. While she is at work not getting paid we have a kid who is in daycare that isn't free. Plus if she stays home because she don't have an appointment they want her to stay by the phone just in case someone comes in for a drop in basis massage. So she can't go anywhere at all when it is her scheduled time for massages. Which includes every other Sat. She is at work now just to get into the routine of a new job and to get to know the residents. That's fine. But if she wasn't there right now we still would not be able to go somewhere as a family today because she would need to stay at home by the phone all day. The state tried to do that to us a few years ago. It went to court and the judge determined that it was illegal to expect someone to stay home with out pay on there day off just to wait for a call that might not happen. In this case I'm considering that if she does not have an appointment scheduled then that is her day off. The state wanted to have one person from each crew to stay home by the phone for an entire weekend just in case there was an emergency on the highways we work on (accident, pothole, dead animal). But they weren't going to pay you unless there was an actual emergency. To me they are doing the same thing to her.
Well when we talked about it she thought that I was mad at her. I wasn't mad at her. I was upset about the way they are expecting her to be employed. I was upset because now we are paying quite a bit in childcare every week and if she don't do a massage during the week she has no income. So how will we afford the childcare? If she is not actually doing a massage at the place of business then she should be free to do whatever she wants with her day. I also feel that she settled for this job just to get away from the grocery store. I don't want to settle for just any job. She has a real talent and I want to her to get what she deserves for that talent. She says that she is not in the massage business for money. She is in it to make people feel better. That is fine but we have bills to pay. We need to keep our heads above water. Right now we are barely able to breathe. When I try to talk to her about this she tells me I am just greedy. I'm not trying to be greedy. I'm being realistic. As I told her on her blog and in person "I see great things happening for you. But you will never see them if you settle for less than what you are worth. It's not about being rich. It's about getting what you are worth."
Enough of that for now. I think that dead horse has been beat enough.

On to happier things. I went to the shop after work yesterday. The owner said that they are putting the Exploder back together. A seal was pushed out of place by the excess pressure caused by to much oil. They put it back in place and we should be driving it by Tue. I want them to keep it for a day after it is put back together to make sure that it fine. I want them to drive it hard and I also want them to let it idle for a long time too. No word on how much it will cost though. At least it is getting close to being done. That made Summer extremely happy when I told her.

As I have stated before we have been talking quite a bit more lately. Some of the conversations have been great others not so good. She is having a hard time letting go of the past when I used to yell at her. Everytime we try to talk about something that we don't agree I can see her shut down. She keeps thinking is he going to yell at me again? I know it is my own fault for that. I just wish we could move pat it. We are both needing to say things to each other but we are both afraid to say them. I'm afraid of hurting her and she's afraid of making me mad.
We are also starting to read blogs together. We often find ourselves sitting at the computer together reading blogs. Here is a problem that I have not seen when i wanted her to get into Blogging. We only have one computer and now we are having problems because we want to make comments together or we both want to update our own sites at the same time. Really need to get a laptop for her. The reading blogs together gives us something else to talk about at night. We lay in bed talking about what is going on with so and so. Apparently she has a non sexual crush on FTN's wife. Whenever his wife comments she always says how much she loves what she has to say and how much she agrees with her. The latest agreement came when she replied to his post about the Scavenger hunt. (Which I was told to never try to do.)

And this brings us to our current quandary if you will. I have stated before that I don't want this to become a sexual Blog. I also said that Summer don't want me to post about sexual things because it makes her feel uncomfortable. Plus she don't like the subject. But some of the things we have talked about that I feel are important enough to share deal with sex.
I really don't want to leave you all hanging here but I need to get some stuff done now. So if you bare with me I will try to post again tonight.

A great big THANK YOU!

My wife and I would like to send out a great big Thank you to FTN for his latest post. The Clashing Libido convention. That was one of the funniest things I have ever read. I read it when I came home from work and laughed so hard it hurt. Over 3 hours later I would be driving down the road and just start breaking out in laughter again. So if you haven't checked it out yet go read it now. It will be well worth it.