When will it end?

 I just want this to end. The constant voices in my head. The depression. The new physical symptoms that seem to appear out of nowhere. The constant need to know every tiny detail. The way that every time I find out the details that I ask for the way it makes me feel for the next 2 days.  I'm tired of feeling weak.

I'm on vacation this week and I'm still not sleeping good. It's been 2 months since I found out. On my first day of vacation being home alone while Summer was at work, I was in bed until 930 in morning.  I didn't sleep the whole time though.  I just laid there not wanting to get out of bed.

I just want this to end.

My week away Part 1

                Where did I leave off last post about how Summer has been cheating on me? AGAIN.............. Oh yeah, I had just left the house to go stay with my sister for a few days. As I was driving to Sacramento, I called my dad. He had wanted me to help him move his boat that he recently bought from one dock in Isleton to a new dock in Antioch. It’s a bigger boat than either of us have ever driven and he didn’t want to maneuver it alone in the slip. Anyways, that is getting off track and away from the point.

                Si I called him to see when he wanted to move the boat and to tell him I was going to be at my sisters for a few days. While I am talking to him, I started to break down. He asked what was wrong and I told him that everything was falling apart, and I needed to be away. The more I talked to more I broke down. He asked me to stop by his place first. I really didn’t want to but after he asked again, I agreed. I turned around and went to my parents’ house. Once there I told them what was going on. I told them that I wasn’t willing to “share” Summer.

                They asked what I meant because apparently, they thought I meant something completely different. They thought it was a swinger type of sharing. While thought is there, it’s not something I think I could do. I did NOT tell them that she cheated on me more than once. Anyways I talked with them for a short time and left again to go to my sisters.

                Oh, I forgot that during the day before I left the house, I called my therapist and left an urgent message for her to call me back. She called and I told her what was going on and she suggested that I remove myself from the situation for a while, and that she would call me in 2 days to talk more. I asked her to get me in to see the psychiatrist to talk about meds since the one I had before I got off the meds had retired. She suggested that I email my personal physician to get on the meds faster. This was all in morning around 9 or so. I left my parents around 330.

After leaving my parents to head to Sac, I called Kaiser to talk to the advice nurse. I explained what was going on and again broke down while talking to her. I looked down at my hand and saw my wedding ring wasn’t there. I haven’t worn it since Oct. 26 and it still kills me to not see it there. When I drive or am nervous, I would always play with it. It would calm me down or help keep me awake while driving. Now it was gone. I still to this day go to spin it or take it off and rotate it before putting it back on.

Off track again. She was asking if I was OK and if I was in a safe place. I told her I was driving to my sister’s house so I could be in a better place. I told her that I had emailed my Dr. and that he hadn’t gotten back to me, and that I needed to get back on the meds ASAP. She said that she was going to put in a referral to the on-call Dr. because it would be faster than waiting for my Dr. to respond to an email.

About 15 minutes after I hung up with the advice nurse the Dr. called me. He put in a prescription to have me back on one of the anti-depressants and the sleeping pills. Once I got off the phone with him, I called my sister and told her I was almost there. I wanted to know if my nieces (17 and 13) new why I was going to be staying with them. She said that my younger niece new why because she heard me when I arrived in the middle of the night on Sun. Our older niece was just told that I was needing some time away since she wasn’t home when I was there on Sun.

I felt bad. I didn’t want my younger niece to know what was going on. Summer, niece and I were always close since we first met. We would take her camping and she would come stay with us before Christmas to make cookies or just to spend time with us. I feel like both of our nieces are more like daughters to me, but there seems to be more of a connection with our youngest niece. I’m always sending her text messages with dad jokes since we have the same sense of humor.

After my sister got off work, we went to Kaiser to pick up my meds and went to Home depot to get some stuff for her house. Since I was going to be there for a few days she wanted me to help her out in the garage. They just moved into the house in July and still hadn’t gotten the garage set up. I called Summer to let her know how much money I spent at Kaiser so she could put it in checkbook other wise we would end up going negative.

That night was pretty uneventful. They ordered pizza for dinner. I really didn’t feel like eating anything. I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch. I just had no appetite. My stomach was growling like it was hungry, but if I was feeling hungry and stomach was hurting then I wouldn’t feel the pain of being away from Summer and she had done. Youngest niece however wouldn’t have it. She made sure that I ate at least 1 piece of pizza.

She was like that the entire week I was there. She is home schooled so she was there the whole time. Every time it was time for a meal, she would make sure that I at least had a few bites of food. She wouldn’t let up until I took a few bites. Then when the meal was done, and I would try to help her with the dishes she would get mad and start pushing me out of the kitchen. Telling me to go sit on the couch. I was a guest in the house it was not my place to help with dishes. I would tell her that I was a guest in their house, staying there for a few days and I couldn’t just sit there while there were dishes to be done. She just didn’t understand that I had been sitting on the couch all day. I needed to be up doing something. I ended up sitting down though to make her happy.

On Tue. my therapist called me to check in and see how I was doing. She was able to get me an appointment with her in 2 weeks for full 1-hour phone call instead of just a short check in call. When I got off the phone with her, I called my employee group legal services plan to speak to a lawyer. They took my info and said that a lawyer would call me within the hour. I then called my life insurance company to change beneficiaries. After seeing Summer say that she wanted me dead so she could collect the life insurance there was no way I was going to keep her as the beneficiary. So the new beneficiaries are our oldest son at 50% and our nieces at 25% each. There is a reason that I did not include our youngest son as beneficiary, but I’m not going to go into detail about that right now. I’ll go into that detail once I feel that this crisis is over. One crisis at a time.

A lawyer called me and gave me options. Something I forgot to say about the night I found out was that I kept telling Summer that she will get everything she wants. She wants to be with someone else and she’s getting it. She decides she don’t want to be with me, and she will get it. It takes two people to enter a marriage but only one person to end it. Pretty fucked up. The courts will automatically give her a large portion of my paychecks for the rest of her life since we have been married for more than 10 years. She will also get 50% of my retirement. She fucking wins and gets everything she wants while I get screwed. She’s the one who cheated on me for a fucking year and she gets rewarded for it! She told me several times that night that she didn’t want my retirement.

When I talked to the lawyer, he told me that I needed to act fast and file for a divorce immediately. Especially while she was “feeling guilty” and was saying she didn’t want anything to do with my retirement. He then emailed me a checklist of what I needed to do for filing for a divorce and how to prepare.

It wasn’t anything that I really wanted to hear. I still don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to file for a divorce. I want to stay married because I love her. I just can’t keep letting her cheat on me. Because she has cheated on me again, it shows that I don’t matter as much to her as she does to me. It also shows me that as much as her sexting someone else when I am being told what is going on turns me on, I don’t think that is going to be an option anymore. She takes it too far. She creates an emotional connection and tells things that she shouldn’t.

Back to the story. Tue. was uneventful. I sat on the couch all day. Watched a little Netflix (Bill Burr, Bert Kreischer) to try and cheer me up but it did no good. Watched my sister play Red Dead Redemption 2 on the PlayStation and gave her some pointers. Once my sister finished work for the day we went to the garage and put some shelves together and got it semi organized. After that I just went into the den and sat in the dark for awhile and started crying. After I couldn’t take that anymore I took my dog out for a walk. We walked about a mile at a fast pace. I don’t know where we went. I just walked. I got back in the house and sat back on the couch in the den for little bit more before I felt comfortable enough to go back to the living room with the rest of the family. We then played with her Oculus VR gaming system. I SSSOOOOOO want one of those. Although my sister, her wife and youngest niece were upset that the walk the plank game didn’t affect me. I’m scared of heights, but the game didn’t scare me.

Wed. afternoon our dad came up to help me put the dryer up on a pedestal. We talked for a little bit. He asked me to go to his place the next day in the morning so we could go fishing and move his boat. The other thing that happened while he was there is unimportant to the story of Summer and I, but it is funny in the end so I’m going to tell it.

My dad recently got a new phone and he was trying to connect their nest doorbell to it. My sister connected it to the phone and for some reason she was showing him different features that can be done. She connected her doorbell to his phone. She forgot to disconnect it though before he left.

Later that night oldest niece came home from being out with her boyfriend and she had said that earlier in the day she fell and hit her head. Her speech was slurring, and she was feeling dizzy. Sister, her wife and niece went to bedroom to discuss the issue. A few minutes later I was called in and niece was excused to living room. They said they needed another adults input. Sister’s wife wanted to just take her to the ER. Sister said that they should call 911 and have her taken to hospital in ambulance. She would get seen a lot faster and they had already spent their out of pocket limit so it wouldn’t cost them anything. They wanted my opinion.

I told them if it was me, I would call 911. Especially if it would get my child seen faster. You don’t want to mess around with head injuries. They called oldest niece in and we explained to her why we were calling the ambulance and not to panic. She agreed and went to tell her boyfriend. We then had to tell youngest niece (we’ll call he mother hen from now on) so that she would not panic.

By this time, it was 1030. Sister-in-law called 911 and they sent an ambulance. In the meantime, boyfriend and oldest were going in and out of house setting off the ring. Then fire truck arrived set off the ring again as they were going in and out. Then ambulance arrives and they bring the gurney in. This is setting off the ring on my sister and S-I-L phone like crazy. Then after a bit they take oldest niece out of the house on the gurney and the house is quiet. It’s just sister, Mother Hen and I in the house. Sister starts to mop the entire house because S-I-L is a germaphobe.  Then around 1130 I receive a text form my dad asking if oldest niece is OK what’s going on?   

I asked my sister how he knew something was going on? Did niece put something on FB? My sister looked at her phone and saw that dad had been texting her from the first time a response person entered the house. Apparently, he was thinking that something had happened with me. So, sister called him and asked how he found out what was going on and he said that he saw everything on his phone through the ring app. He thought it was his ring going off. It was going off so frequently that my parents’ dogs were going crazy. She explained what was going on and then took him off her ring camera. S-I-L and niece came home around 1:30/2:00 and she was fine. The whole time Mother Hen, sister and I were sitting around waiting Mother Hen kept laughing saying that the ring told on us.

I think that was a pretty funny story. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. It could be that you just had to be there.

The reason that my dad thought something was going on with me was because when he was there earlier in the day, I had talked to him about something that I had been concerned about. I had been having so many panic/anxiety attacks that I was losing track. I would be laying down on the couch in the middle of the night and my heart would feel like I had just run a mile. I would use the Samsung Health app on my phone and check my heart rate and it would be in anywhere between the 160’s to the low 200’s. That is laying down for over an hour doing nothing. I did pretty much nothing the entire time I was there. It would last like that for hours at a time. I would feel like the room around me was getting bigger and I was shrinking to the size of an ant. My heart was pounding out of chest. The ticking of the clock was extremely loud. The room was spinning. I couldn’t move. It felt like I was being held down and my limbs were bound tight to my body. I couldn’t move my head. Only my eyes could move. There wasn’t a headache, but I could feel throbbing in my head. My dog was laying between my legs, but I couldn’t move her or open my mouth.

I can remember having feelings like this since I was a little kid. I can still remember the first time I can remember feeling this. I was about 4 years old, and my grandma was spending the night. She was sleeping in my room, so I had to sleep on the couch in the living room. I woke up in the middle of the night and had the same feeling. I was scared and wanted to call for my mom, but I couldn’t open my mouth to call for her. I was afraid of the dark as a child and there was no way that I would walk through the house in the dark to get here even if I could move. The only difference between the feeling as a child and this time was that it has never happened for as long as it did this time. It never happened in the daytime. It was always at night. Since Oct. 24 it happens any time of the day. Sometimes I won’t even be thinking about the issues in my marriage and it would start. It used to never happen more than a few times a year. Now it happens multiple times a day sometimes for an entire week.  Even now after almost 2 months of knowing it is still happening. Not as often, the feelings don’t last as long, and are not as strong as they were the first few weeks of knowing, but they still happen.

Back to the story. We all went to bed as soon as S-I-L and niece got home. By 6:00 the next morning I was awake and loading my truck to head to my parent’s house to spend Thu. night there and move my dad’s boat. On the way I stopped at our house since Summer was not home so I could drop off the dirty clothes and pick up my fishing license, fishing pole and tackle box. When I walked into the house, I saw that there was a fucking bouquet of flowers on the table. I wanted to know who they were from but didn’t want to talk to Summer either.  My mind raced. I thought that fucking douchebag knew that I was gone and came to the house to fuck my wife and brought her flowers. I kept picturing Summer and him in MY bed. I couldn’t get out of the house soon enough.

That’s all for this post. I started this on Tue., and it is now Thu. I will go over what happened at my parent’s house in the next post along with going back home on Fri. Till next time.

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Something happy

As I stated earlier this week, I was going to post something that was happy and upbeat. So here it goes. I must apologize though because I will be fast forwarding to last Fri. Dec. 4^th. Summer and I were having a really bad day. We had been arguing all day since I came home from work early. The arguing went from 9:30 in the morning to almost 6:00 at night. Then my sister called and said that she needed me to be on speaker phone and that Summer needed to sit down. Once I got inside the house and got Summer to sit down, my sister told us what she was receiving as an “early Christmas present”.

                 She told us that our step niece is pregnant! It instantly made me start smiling and begin to laugh and I was ssssoooo excited and happy for the first time in over a month. We were both extremely happy. We are going to be Great Aunt and Great Uncle! It does not matter that our niece is 17. I am going to be a part of the baby’s life from the beginning. I am going to be there for everything that I missed with both of my nieces since I did not meet them until they were 10 and 7.

I still need to have a serious talk with her boyfriend, and it is actually fun this past week knowing that he is afraid of what I want to talk to him about. I told him that even though they are not my daughters I still love both of my nieces as if they were my daughters. Especially since I wanted a daughter, but it was not in the cards for Summer and me. I also want to have serious talk with my niece as well. I’m not mad at them. I just want to talk to them and make sure they don’t rush into anything just because she’s pregnant. I don’t want them to end up like Summer and I in 10 years or more because one or both regrets being married so young and missing out on life (like is the case with Summer).

When my sister told my niece that I was actually excited about her having a baby, my niece was actually relieved. I went to there house on Sat. for my younger niece’s dance recital and intended to talk to them both then, but it didn’t work out. I will try again tomorrow night when we all go out looking at Christmas lights.

That phone call changed Summer and I for the rest of the night. We stooped arguing and she started to answer me with actual answers instead of silence and I don’t know.

So that is all for now. I don’t have anything else positive to say at the moment so I will go ahead and sign out.

Where to begin now?

So where I left off last post was about how Summer had been cheating on me again. I found out on my favorite day of the year. Opening day of duck season. Oct. 24. Which is ironic, because going through some of my very first posts ever, that is the same date I found out about Mr. D. 

Summer, my dad and I went out duck hunting earlier in the day (by the way Summer got her hunting license 3 years ago). When we got home from hunting Summer and I got in the shower together and got dressed to head out to an RV dealership. I had been researching RV's for over a year to purchase and had finally narrowed it down to 2 RV's to choose from. I had thought that she was on the same page as me with getting an RV. We were only there to look. Not making a purchase. I had been watching YouTube videos daily for over a year and decided that I wanted to see one in person.

So we drove an hour away to a place that just got one of the models in that we were interested in. While we were there I was real excited and was happy with what I saw but again was only there to look. I wanted to see the second model first, plus I wasn't going to be ready until some time in spring.

The entire time she just didn't seem into it. Even though for months she would get all excited and tell me that she would see a certain model of trailer going down the road or while watching YouTube she would tell me that certain features are a deal breaker. So on the way home I tried to talk to her and she was being silent until almost halfway home she said that she felt we were moving in separate directions. WHAT?!? 
That took me completely by surprise. I have always wanted to go one direction with her and that was to be together for the rest of our natural lives. I couldn't stand the thought of not being with her. She that was a huge part of the problem. That I make her feel smothered because I always want to spend time with her. I don't always want to spend time with her. I like having some time without her. But when we only have one day a week where we are both off work together I don't think it is too much to ask for that one day to be spent together. She has Fri. to herself to do what she wants. Sat. should be for us together. Sun. is for me without her.

I also don't think that it is too much to ask for her to take a Sun. off so we can be together for 2 days in a row. I always need to take off on Fri. because she won't take a Sun. off to do something with me. But if she wants to go back to her home town she just takes a day off and leaves. Don't even discuss it just says I'm going. I've never had a problem with her going to her hometown. I actually think that she should go more often. I would just like to have some time with her as well. We had planned since July a hunting trip together first weekend in Oct. She told me her boss denied it though. She did however have no problems telling Douchebag that I was going be leaving. Told him the time I was leaving and day I'd be back. We had also planned a hunting trip to Oregon for a year together with my dad and uncle for opening weekend of pheasant season Nov. 14. She said she was denied that as well. Although she did end up having jury duty so I have to give her an out on that.

Anyways I'm getting off track here. So after she told me this we went out to dinner because it was late. Didn't talk all that much. Side note by this time it was almost 7:00 in evening. I had been awake since 2:00 in morning with very little sleep because I was too excited about duck hunting to sleep. When we got home it was time for Summer to go to bed so she could get up at 3:00 to go to work a 12 hour shift  in the morning.

Side note here: It is important to state that after I came home from hunting in Northern Ca. first weekend in Oct. I called in sick to work on Oct. 7, which was a Thu. Summer had a Dr. appt. so she had the day off as well. She went to her appointment alone and when after she came home and we went to Walmart where she an appointment to get a haircut. I did some shopping while I waited. Once her hair was done, we left the store. As we are driving out of the parking lot, she receives a phone call. Her response is "I can't talk right now. I'm with someone" and then hung up. Someone. She said that I was someone. She didn't say I'm with my husband. Didn't say I'm with CH. She called me someone. 

So with that quick detour we now go back to the evening of Oct. 24. After she went to bed it was starting to click that something more was going on. Between being called someone 2 weeks ago, no sex for a week, her hiding her iPad if I walked behind her to let the dog outside or in the house, and now being told we were going different directions, I did what I did in 2005 when I found out about Mr. D. I looked at her phone. I saw her messages to Fucking Douchebag on FB Messenger. She told him how wet he made her and that she wanted to feel him inside of her. I felt sick. I went into the bedroom, told Alexa to turn on the light and asked her what the fuck this was. She yelled your looking through my phone and tried to grab it from me. I told her that if she tried again I would break it in half. I could feel the anger rising. I hadn't lost my temper with her since late 2004 or early 2005. I felt that I was back on the verge. Just thinking about it now is making my hands start to shake and my heart rate is increasing.

 

Had to take a bit of a break there. I'm now at home and it is almost time for bed. I had to calm myself down a bit before continuing on. 

So anyways where did I leave off there? I again asked what the fuck is this shit? Your fucking someone else again? Just rethinking about that night has me on the verge of tears again but I need to get this out. I don't remember what she said next but I took her phone and left the room. She jumped out of bed and followed me into the kitchen and kept grabbing for her phone. I put it into my pocket so she couldn't get to it. 

I can't do this. I need to wait till tomorrow maybe I can finish then. 

So this post was started on Dec. 3. It is now Dec. 8. Let's see if I can get it finished at some point before Christmas.

So she kept trying to grab the phone. I ended up putting it in my pocket. We ended up in the kitchen, I was sitting on one of the counters wearing a pair of shorts and a tshirt. Summer was jolted out of bed and had no clothes on (this is important for later). Again this was on Oct. 24, so the exact words that were said I can't remember. I do know that I kept calling her a whore. Thinking back on that I know that it was wrong. I was not thinking clearly. I was reacting emotionally and not in a responsible manner. She kept saying that he was just a "friend" nothing else. If he was just a "friend" then why was she calling him love? Why did one of her messages say that she was thinking him for letting her get 3 little words out during a video chat: I love you. If he was just a friend then why did she tell him that I back in July that I didn't please her in bed and that I didn't last long enough? Why did she tell him that she wished I would just die so she could collect the life insurance money?

We kept it going till past midnight. The whole time she kept trying to stick her hand up the shorts I was wearing to touch me. In one of my third or fourth posts ever I wrote how she would always try to touch me. She was trying to do it again. Only this time I was having none of it. I kept pushing her away. 

I asked how long this had been going on. She said not long. She kept begging me not to look at her phone anymore and I asked why. She said because he asked her to send her pictures of her without clothes. She said that she didn't do it but she didn't want me to see the message where he asked.

 Finally around 1:00 she went back to bed and I went to sit on the couch and read through all of the messages. In the messages she told him that she was being forced to sleep in the spare bedroom the prior week. Untrue. She came to bed with me that night. She told him early on in Oct. that she wanted to find a place of her own but could not afford it yet, and she was saving money from every check so she can afford it.

I scrolled further and she told him that I was leaving town on Oct. 2 and would not be back until the 4th. She even told him what time I was leaving the house and that she wanted him to come over. Conveniently she told me that her time off request for the 4th was denied. I guess now I know why . She didn't ask for it off so she could be with Douchebag instead.

Then when I saw  a message from Sept. I see that she took a picture of herself at 3:00 in the morning while I was in bed and sent it to him of her laying on the couch without clothes on camera centered on her pussy. The message from her said good morning. Just thinking about your hard dick makes me so wet. Interesting because she sent him the picture without him asking.

I scrolled deeper into the messages and saw that she took a picture of herself wearing lacy underwear with the string up the butt that she never wears for me. Ones that she asked me to buy her almost 3 years ago in Reno. I bought her 5 pairs. She wore one pair that weekend. Never wore them for me again. But she asks Douchebag what color he would like to see her in. Even offers to wear the sexy lingerie for him that she won't wear for me because she "don't feel comfortable". 

She is always telling me that she didn't sleep well at night because the dog needed to go outside. But looking at the messages she would wait till I was asleep to go message him at midnight or 11:00 or 1:00. I always thought it was interesting that the dog always needed to go out in the middle of the night but when she was working nights or was out of town the dog never got out of bed when it was just dog and me. ow that the messages have stopped with Douchebag, the dog miraculously doesn't go out in middle of the night.

Scrolling more I see her tell him she can't afford a place of her own yet.

In July she told him that I don't please her in bed anymore because I don't last long enough. Same conversation she told him that she wished I would die so she can get the life insurance money. That's not happening. When I found out I took her off of the life insurance policy and added our oldest and our 2 nieces instead. She also told him that she didn't want to go on our trip together. She told me she was looking forward to going to Oregon and seeing Crater Lake.

Scrolled through and saw that she fucking sexted him in March on our anniversary!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!! Our 26th anniversary she is sexting someone else.

In Feb. she told him when I was going to be out of town goose hunting.

She did the same thing when I was goose hunting for a week in Jan.

This was after I took her on a cruise to Mexico the prior week. She had me buy her several hundred dollars in jewelry. Told me she had a great time. Told him she had a bad time and hated being with me for the 4 days.

She was sexting him around Christmas and sending him photos for weeks prior to that. There was no regular talking even in the very first messages that I saw. It was straight to sexting. Saying they wished to actually be in each others beds. SHE WANTED TO BRING SOMEONE ELSE INTO MY BED!!!!!

And this was only the messages that I could see. They also had voice calls via FB Messenger as well at all hours of the night and sometimes while she was at work throughout the year. Then there was the video calls with messenger which happened almost weekly. Then there is the phone calls and text messages that she erased right after they came in. I have no clue how often those happened or for how long they went on for.

Oh....she also wrote to him about a week before I found out that she was worried about him because he "couldn't finish" due to his age. WHAT!?! She tells him I don't last long enough but tells him she is worried about his fucking age!

By this point it was almost 2 in the morning. I couldn't take it anymore. I had been awake for 24 hours at this point and had to get out of the house. I called my sister and she actually answered. I told her I was on my way and she said the door would be open when I got there. I called the dog and loaded her in the truck and we left. Summer asked where I was going and I told her it was none of her business.

The drive that normally takes almost an hour only took me just over 30 minutes and that's with getting gas. I got there just after 2:30. Walked in the door hugged my sister and lost it. She took me to the garage so I didn't wake up my niece. She packed a bowl for me and I talked to her about that happened and about Mr. D and the fact that I feel like I am cheating on her for just watching a pornhub video if we haven't had sex in over a week.

After all this time I feel like if I watch a porn that I cheating on her.

We went inside and stayed up talking till about 4. From there I was getting up and peeing every 20-30 minutes even though I wasn't drinking any water. I was having multiple panic/anxiety attacks. I wasn't sleeping at all. My whole body was shaking. Finally around 5 or 6 in evening my sister drove me home. I couldn't drive because I didn't sleep at all that day. I got home and opened a beer chugged it and opened another. Stayed on deck talking with my sister and her wife for almost an hour before they went back home.

I went into the bedroom and found a way to cast my tablet to the TV and put porn on the TV, covered my head with a pillow and waited for Summer to arrive home from working 12 hour shift. When she got home she had the fucking nerve to be mad at me for porn on the TV saying "Oh I should have known this is what you would do". Really? known this is what I would do? I wasn't even watching it! I was laying on my side away from TV with a pillow over my head. I told her no this is to show you that if I ever wanted to cheat on you this is my idea of cheating. 

This was at about 8:30. We stayed up "talking" till midnight. By this point I was up for just shy of 48 hours. I have no clue what was said in that conversation I was out of it. between the few beers and the total lack of sleep. 

I had already called my boss on Sun. and told him I was not going to be at work on Mon. I slept till about 5 or 6 and couldn't get back to sleep. I got up and went to do something on the computer and for the first time since 2013 I logged into my FB account. I saw that a friend form HS had sent me a messenger message just a few days prior asking how things were doing. He was also the best man at our wedding. I told him things weren't good. So we talked for a few hours.. I also looked up Douchebag and typed out a long message to him, then called Summer at work. I was on the phone with her for over an hour. She kept asking what I was typing on the keyboard. Who was dinging me on messenger (because of course she knows exactly what sound that is). I told her none of her business. Then I finally told her I was typing a message to douchebag. She started begging me not to send it to him. She wouldn't give me a reason at all as to why I shouldn't send it to him.

My friend ended up being the one to talk me out of sending it. Told me I needed to take the high road and be the better man. So I sent it to Summer instead.

After that I messaged my sister and asked if I could stay with her for a few days and she said come on up. She would add my phone to her smart lock so I could walk in at anytime. I went to the bedroom, packed clothes and the dogs things and left. I did leave my wedding ring on the counter with a picture of us in Mexico and wrote on a piece of paper that apparently just like me the picture and ring mean absolutely nothing to her.

I then left and was gone for 5 days.

Wow that was an ordeal to get typed up. It is now Dec. 9 as I am hitting the publish button.

Till next time.

Having a hard time

                So, I’m not sure how I am going to proceed this time around. I know that how I did it when I started to first write on this page many years ago, was to start in the beginning as each post was about how things progressed. Then I got to current events. I’m just not sure if I will be able to do that this time. I’m thinking that what I might need to do is go back and forth. Otherwise I’m never going to be able to proceed. I’ve been trying for 5 days to get my next post created and I am just having a hard time writing it. Every time I try to write it, I turn into a blubbering fucking mess. I can’t type more than a line or two and I just can’t proceed anymore. I am trying to go into detail about what happened the night I found out that Summer was cheating on me for a year.

                So, as it stands now, I found out on Oct. 24. It is now Dec. 7. Summer has not contact Douchebag since Nov. 23. Douchebag has not even read any of the last 3 messages that Summer sent him.  At least they haven’t communicated via FB Messenger. I have no clue if they have called each other on the phone or have used text messages to communicate now instead of using Messenger. She has already admitted that she used to delete his phone calls and messages so there really is no way of knowing at this point. I n one of her messages to him in right after I found out she told him to start using a different app (Kik) for messaging each other. Although she swears that they have not used the app to communicate, it now shows on her iPad as a frequently used app.

                I just don’t know what to believe anymore. When I first found out about it, she told me that she didn’t love me anymore and she was just waiting for the time to leave. Then when I was out of the house for a few days staying at my sisters, she told me she loved me on the phone. I asked her why she said that, and she said it was out of habit, not because she meant it. She said that she wanted to leave and wasn’t going to change her mind. She didn’t think there was anything left to work on.

                Now fast forward a little bit to within the last week or so and she has done a 180. She now says that she loves me and that she means it. She says that she wants to work on our marriage, and she believes there is something to save. Oddly enough though is that she started saying these things AFTER Douchebag stopped reading and replying to her messages.

                She says that she wants to work on it, and she wants me to trust her again. But when I ask her questions about why she did it, what is she getting out of the relationship with him, I get silence or “I don’t know”. I ask her why she wants to work on it and her reply is because I love her, and I want to work on this. She doesn’t say because she loves me, or because she believes there is something worth saving. Although I guess she has heard me react to that enough that she says she wants to work on it because she believes that there is something to work on now instead of saying because it is what I want.

                I don’t know if she is saying that she wants to work on it and that she loves me because she really means it, or if she is saying it out of habit. Or if she is saying it because she doesn’t have enough money saved for her to get her own apartment (something that she has told one of her friends). Or is she just staying with me because she feels sorry for me? Or because I found out so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas. She really wants to leave and really is done with being with me, but she wants to wait until Christmas is over.

                I am just so fucking confused right now! I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t want her to stay with me because she feels sorry for me. I don’t want her to stick around just because of a dam holiday. I don’t want her to stick around out of some form of guilt or sense of duty. I want her to want to be with me. I want her to want to be faithful to me. I don’t her sympathy or her pity.

                As said in one of my very early posts I don’t believe in separations or “trial separations”. It’s simple. You either want to be with me or you don’t. You either love me or you don’t. If Summer wants to go be on her own for a few months so she can figure out what she wants, then she just needs to leave and be done. I’m not going to be waiting around to be some fucking consolation prize. I’m not going to sit at home every night missing her hoping that she will come back, wondering what she’s doing or who she’s doing it with. Or quite frankly wonder WHO she is doing. I’m not going to be left at home needing to be faithful to her because we are still married, but on a trial separation while she goes out and fucks whoever she wants whenever she wants. After she goes screwing whoever she wants then to decide to come back to me? I’m supposed to just accept that and just be happy that she decided she wants to be with me instead of someone else? What kind of bullshit is that?! Of course, this is IF she even decides that she wants to come back to me. Actually, it’s all a moot point since I will draw the line there. As I have said a separation trial or not, will NOT be happening. Period.

               

                Even writing this post is harder than I thought it would be. Not because I’m a fucking emotional wreck, but because my mind has so much shit that needs to come out and it is going way to fast for me to even try to type it out. It’s like that when Summer and I have a talk in the evenings. On an occasion that I ask a question and she answers it, all it does is generate more questions. I’m not talking one answer creates one question. I mean she gives one answer and it generates up to 6 or more new questions and I can’t keep track of them all.

Now that I am writing this post it’s the same thing. My mind is racing with what I want to say, but my fingers just can’t type fast enough. By the time my fingers catch up I’ve lost what I was going to type. There are so many conversations that we have had and answers that she has given me that I want to put here. I want to get them here as soon as I can, so they don’t get lost or forgotten about. Art the same time I need to try and get them on here in a way that is understandable and not just a jumble and going back and forth.

With that said, I do need to just jump out of order completely and write this down. Not for you that may or may not be reading but for me so that I never forget. She has said multiple times in the last week and a half that she is sorry for what she did and sorry for hurting me. Every time she says this, I give the same response. You aren’t that sorry about it. You’re just sorry that I found out. You weren’t sorry about it when you were doing it. You weren’t sorry that you were doing this for over a year. She says she was sorry when she was doing it. I say no you weren’t. If you were sorry, you never would have done it to begin with.

 I need to keep reminding myself of this. If I don’t remind myself of this then I will just accept that she’s sorry, I’ll forgive her like I did with Mr. D and we will be right back in this situation again in a few years. Or maybe next time it won’t be years. Maybe next time it will be months. Or maybe her and Douchebag are just waiting for me to stop obsessing over this and drop all the conversations, so they go back to doing what they have been doing for the past year.

That brings up another point. I know for a fact that they were doing this FB messenger sexting thing last Dec. because I saw the messages going back that far before Summer erased them all. This of course was AFTER she promised me that she wouldn’t erase them. However, she did admit that she did erase the messages at least one time before Dec. 2019.  For all I know she has been sexting this fucking Douchebag for a few years. She says no but how can I possibly believer her? How can I believe anything that she says anymore? She can tell me the sky is blue and I would have to go look because she lies to me about fucking everything.

Originally, she started talking to him in March after the lockdowns, but when I scrolled to see when they started, I saw Dec. 2019 (again she erased all messages prior to Dec. 2019 so no clue when they actually started). She then swore from the day I found out Oct. 24 to last Fri. Dec. 4, that she has never been to his house, and that he has never been to our house. But I looked up his name in Google and found his address. So, I then said that he lived on x St. when she got home and that he was actually 53 not 47 like she told me. Instantly she said he don’t live on x St. what did you do talk to one of your coworkers? So I started to type on my phone and she kept trying to loom at it. But god forbid I look at her phone or iPad. She has a fucking fit. I have news for you Summer: YOUR THE ONE WHO CHEATS NOT ME! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN’T BE TRUSTED AND LIES NOT ME! I gave you free range of my emails, texts, phone calls everything for years.  IT FUCKING ENDS NOW!!  So I type in his name again and get the street name correct. It then hits me: if she has never been to his fucking house, how does she know the x St. was not where he lived? So I confronted her with this. She said that he went to his house once back in Mar. She also swore that absolutely nothing happened when she was there.

BULLSHIT ON BOTH COUNTS!!! I do not believe she was only there once back in Mar. if so how would she remember the name of the street Douchebag lives on? I already know that they have been sexting for 4 months by this time that she went to his house. So how fucking stupid does she think I am to believe the were sexting each other for 4 months but when they see each other that they did nothing? And before you or Summer answers how stupid she believes I am I already know the answer. She and Douchebag feel I am extremely stupid. I mean I let her cheat on me for a fucking year! I let her cheat on me multiple times in 26 years of marriage so yes, I am the dumbest fucking person alive right now.

Summer I know that you have been to his house more than once. I am positive that he has been to our house. I am positive that you have done more than just sexting, sending pictures and live videoing yourself pleasure yourself. You are just too fucking afraid to tell me the truth because you don’t want to hurt my feelings. Your afraid that I will lose my temper with you and get beyond pissed off. News flash Love: I have every fucking right to lose my shit with you right now after what you have done and for how long you have done it. But have I lost my shit with you at all since Oct. 24? No, I have not. You need to let me be able to determine what I can handle and what I can’t handle. You need to come to terms with the fact that you fucked up and deal with the consequences. Stop using my anger as an excuse. I haven’t lost my temper with you in 15 years. Stop giving me “I don’t know” as an answer. You know why you cheated on me. You know what you were getting out this relationship with Douchebag. Stop giving me the silent treatment instead of answers.

My feeling is that if Summer truly loved me like she has been saying for the last weeks and she believes that there is something to save that she would give me real answers and the lies would stop. I do want to be with her still. I want to be married to her and love her. But for that to happen I need answers. I need the lies to stop. I don’t need Summer to be talking with me in the kitchen and then out of nowhere say “Can I love you forever?” I was feeling really good until she said that to me. We were having a good conversation, I was smiling. We weren’t even talking about the cheating. But as soon as she said that I started crying like a fucking baby. I couldn’t hold it together. She said that she was sorry and that she didn’t mean to hurt me. It just made me fell worse for being fucking weak. I just can’t cope right now. I just feel weak every time I start to cry or feel like I can’t do this. I keep beating myself up for something that Summer made a conscious decision to do. Cheating on me and lying to me for over a year is NOT an accident. That is something that you choose to do openly and willingly. Summer made that choice and she was caught. Now she needs to face the music and stop giving I don’t know answers and stop being silent when a question is asked. If she is not willing to do that then she needs to just rip the band aid off, pack her shit and leave.

It may sound harsh but how fucking harsh was it for her to cheat on me? For her to give this fucking douchebag asshole all the things that I have asked for? For her to offer him those things without him even asking for them? For her to respond to me that I’m gross and disgusting when I ask her to send me a picture, or try to sext her, or try to get her to touch herself?

After all that SHE has done for over a year, she has the nerve to ask me what I am doing to work on our relationship. What do you mean by that? What did I do wrong that needs to be worked on? What am I doing to work on this? I am allowing you to still live under the same roof as me. I didn’t kick you out of the house after you lied, cheated, humiliated me, emasculated me etc. I am trying to forgive you. I am trying to believe you even when you continue to lie to me. I am not looking at your phone or iPad behind your back. If that isn’t good enough just say something. You know where the suitcases are. Just leave both credit cards on the counter along with the ATM card for my checking account. Either that or tell me what I did wrong to deserve this bullshit. Tell what you think I need to work on. From where I am sitting, I don’t have a thing to work on except to decide if I am going to allow this to happen anymore. I need to decide what I am willing to put up with in this marriage.

At some point the cheating that she does becomes my fault because I allow it to happen. I can’t keep crying to people that she is cheating on me if I believe her every time she tells me that she won’t do it again. I need to tell myself that as much as I love her, as bad it will be to be single again, it is better to be alone than to be with someone the disrespects you and humiliates you and lies to you.

What am I doing to work on our marriage? I am telling myself that I still want Summer in my life. I still want to be married to her. I still love her.  That is what I am doing to work things out. I am willing to believe her even when she lies to me. I am willing to trust her. I torture myself everyday on my way home from work because I am afraid to come home (more on that in a different post). I lose sleep every night. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since Oct. 24. I fight the urge to look at her phone or iPad to see if she is telling me the truth when she says they haven’t talked. I believe her when she says they haven’t switched to Kik instead of FB Messenger. I haven’t gone to his house even though I know where he lives. Especially since it is actually a lot closer than she initially made me believe. She told me he lived in the same town we lived in back in 2005. In fact, he actually lives in the same city we currently live in. We drive past his fucking house every time we go to Walmart on payday. That is what I am doing Summer. What are you doing? You ask me for details about my therapy sessions but refuse to talk to me about yours. Again, the double standard. She expects to be able to look at my phone, but I can’t look at hers. She wants details about my therapy but won’t talk about hers.

 

At this point I have gotten way off track and have gone places I wasn’t sure I should go. I kept going between talking to my readers and directly to Summer. So, with that being said, I will end this. I am going to do my very best to try and come up with something positive for my next post. It may not be as long winded as this one since the positive is very hard to find right now, but I will at least try.

Still here and still Confused

 Well here I am after a many year hiatus. So much has happened in the last few years that I have been gone. There have been good things and bad things. Some of it is minor things others are major and the biggest has been life altering and I do not know if I will be able to recover from it.

I really don't know where to start at this point. Do I just jump right in and tell you all what has happened that is so life altering? Or should I try and give you quick updates as to everything that has happened in the last few years that I have not been here? Hell I don;t even know if there are any of my old readers  out there anymore. The list of Blogs that I used to read is no longer on my site. I guess that means that either they have all disappeared or that that no one has posted to them in quite some time. Meaning that they have in a sense disappeared. 

Either way I find myself in need of a place to let someone, anyone know what is going on in my life. Whether that be to some of my old readers, Some random person stumbling on my site for the first time or even if it to no one at all but for me to look back on and ask what the FUCK was I thinking? Your such a pussy for thinking that you could not recover from this. I know that it is stupid to think that I will not be able to get over this. But when I get inside my head like has been known to happen I can't help it. 

If you have read my posts from years before you will no that I was on medications for depression for a few years. 10 years to be exact. I actually was able to completely get off of all the meds in 2015. Now I am back on the meds for depression and also to help me sleep at night. Even when I take a double dose of the med for sleep along with Melatonin I am only getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I always wake up between 1 and 2 in the morning and my mind just runs wild thinking about what happened. Why it happened. How it happened. How long it has been going on. Blaming myself even though I did not do this or cause this. plus a thousand other things just comes racing into my head and won't leave. Then when Summer Rose (for new readers she is my wife) wakes up at 3 to do her morning exercises is when it gets worse.

So I guess I will just out right say what has happened. Summer has been cheating on me for over a year. The reason it gets worse when she gets out of bed to do her exercises is because that's the main time that her and her "friend" (from here on out to be referred to as Douchebag) would do their thing. She would tell me that she is working out in the morning, but she was really doing is sexting a person instead. Something that I have tried to get her to do with me for years and she would say that I am gross and disgusting or that I was bothering her. She would take pictures of herself with no clothes on and send them to him. Another thing that she would never ever let me do since we stopped Bogging. She would video call him so he could watch her play with herself. Sometimes with toys that I bought her to use with me. She wear the sexy underwear that I would buy her for him but in 2 years of owning them she would never wear them for me.

I can almost handle the sexting with him. But it is the fact that he was getting things from her that she would refuse to do for me. Also the fact that she let it go WAY beyond just sexting him. She would tell him she loved him. She would tell him that I did not satisfy her in bed. She told him in July that she wished I would just die so that she could get the life insurance money. The life insurance by the way that SHE insisted that I get. She told him I drink to much. She told him that she wanted to find her own place to live but could not afford it.

What was she telling me this entire time? That she loved me. That she wanted to love me forever. She even was asking me as close as August if we could get remarried! This is after she told this Mother Fucker that she loved him and wanted to leave me! Why does this keep happening to me?!? Remember Mr. D from back when I first started this Blog in 2005? How I said that I believed her when she said that they never slept together? How she in her Blog said that they never slept together? Well in 2013 I found out that she did in fact get into his bed and she FUCKED him! MORE THAN ONCE!!!!!! And she expects me to believe that she never fucked this new guy at all. It was only sexting and video messaging on Facebook Messenger. Even though every time I would leave home for a weekend to go hunting or camping she would tell him that I was going to be out of town and that we have a door with a broken lock. She told him how to get into MY FUCKING HOUSE when I'm not home!!!!!! And what do I do? I FUCKING BEG HER NOT TO LEAVE ME! What kind of fucking man am I?

 Oh dear readers if there are any left it gets worse than that. Sometime in 2006 or 2007 after she had her massage therapy business going she did it again and just now told me about it. To make it even worse about that guy it was with the same fucking douchebag that she has been sexting with now! She swears now that it was just a hand job after she gave him a massage (something that she has flat out refused to do for me for years). Then in 2010 she she made out a different guy while I was at work. The in 2013 she had an emotional affair with her ex boyfriend for high school. That's when I found out that she fucked Mr. D. She told him what she lied to me about for 8 years. So where does that leave us now? We have been married for 26 years and I don't know who I'm married to anymore. That's 5 times in 26 years that she has cheated on me. I'm really thinking that there are more though. Especially when she made a comment last week "That you know about" which leads me to believe there were more times that she hasn't come clean about yet.

I can't believe it but it has taken me almost an entire week to get this post written. I have so much more to say but I need to end this one here and begin with a new post. At some point I need to write about something happy again. I also need to go into more detail about how things are going right now and other things I just don't want to put too much into one post. Especially after being gone for so long.