This weekend is going by so sloooowwwww! SR was sick yesterday so I didn't go duck hunting with my uncle like planned. I was a good husband and stayed home to take care of her. Turned out to be the better thing to do anyways because there weren't many birds. The bad thing though was that we lost our Comcast service for at least 12 hours if not longer. That meant absolutely no TV and no internet. I was fine without the TV but I was feening like a crack addict for some internet access. I missed some important emails and an instant message. It did turn out to be a good day though. I got to take care of Summer and she got to take care of me as well. ;-)
Today is the day that just doesn't seem to want to end. It's like the clock is standing still! It's not even 3:30 yet. I think part of it is that I got out of bed early today. I was up before 8. First thing I did when I got out of the bedroom was to see if I had internet access back. I checked my emails and replied to the IMer (so sorry I missed you yesterday I really could have used it). Cooked a big breakfast as usual- fried eggs, hash browns, sausage patties, bagels, and OJ. It was good enough to keep me satisfied till a few minutes ago. After breakfast SR and th boys went to church and I stayed home to do some housework and listen to my "non kid friendly" music really loud. ie Eminem. Folded and put away laundry, then cleaned out a cupboard that was getting on my nerves. I really should do that more often. The spice cupboard was a mess. We have 2 unopened and 2 open containers of poultry seasoning, 2 things of celery seed, and a few others that we had doubled up on. No more of that though. I can now see exactly what I have again.
Anyways to the reason for this post. It is actually a two part reasoning. First is the recap of Men's Group from Thu. night. Second is what happened last night while going through some old things of mine.
First off I guess I will try to remember what happened at group the other night. I really should have posted that the other night while it was still fresh. It really has to do with the Self Discovery portion of this blog. My Therapist asked me how I thought the medication was doing and if I was dealing with things better. I told him that I personally don't "feel" any different but that SR has seen a big difference in me. I said that I still get mad but it don't seem to consume me like it used to. I'm not yelling at Summer like I used to do either. I told him that we are doing a lot better now that I have been taking the medications but at the same time I have absolutely NO desire to stay on them for the rest of my life. I hope to get off of them at some point in the not too distant future. He told me that that was a big step in my "recovery".
We then talked about youngest son and how things were going with him. That's where things got a little bothersome for me. I related to him how he is my biggest "trigger" right now. By that I mean that he is the one thing or person that triggers me to lose my composure. I also admitted that when we are out in public actions cause me to be quite embarrassed to be around him. That was actually a break through for me. It took a long time to come out and say that. At the same time it made me feel like shit. He is my son. Yet he is the one that triggers my worst reactions with his actions. The biggest part of the evening came when I said that I know why he acts out in the ways that he does. It's because of the was the I have reacted to situations and he is just practicing what he has seen me do.
Well my therapist said that it was actually a good thing for me to realize that. He thinks it's a big step for me to start realizing what my triggers are and that now I can focus more on how to deal with them better. He also asked me to give an example of how he is "embarrassing" me when we are out. Lucky for me I had the perfect example. It only happened the previous night. So here's the tale. We are on our payday shopping trip. I'm not sure if I've said it in the past but it is something that we do as a family. Every payday the 4 of us pile into the car and drive to "town" to pick up the needed supplies to get us through the next 2 weeks. Any ways we're at Walmart and youngest has some birthday money that is on fire in his little pocket. So while I'm doing the shopping Summer takes him to the toys to spend that money. Well he knows that he is not allowed to have toy guns. No exceptions. So what does he pick out? A toy gun. SR says no you can't have it. He then comes to where I'm at and asks me if it's alright if he gets the gun. I say no. So he screams at me and runs over to SR. She tells him to put it back. He runs away from her. We both go different directions to get him. When she catches up to him he punches her in the back and pushes her and continues running. With the help of oldest son we finally caught up to him and I took him out to the Exploder. He's kicking and screaming the whole time I'm carrying him out the store. When we get to the truck he yells that I'm a big fat meanny and that I'm a stupid person and he hates me. I get him inside and strap him in to his booster seat. I close the door and go behind the truck so he can't see me and sit down. This way I can make sure he is being watched, but at the same time he thinks he's alone. Well his tantrum lasted the rest of the time that SR and oldest were inside. About 40 minutes or so. Screaming the entire time. When SR got out we drove across the street to Sam's Club and he was his nice smiling self again. Asked if he could help put groceries in the cart, talking nice, not asking for things all the time. It was a great rest of the evening.
So I asked my therapist if that was an ok thing to do. He said that is fine. It teaches him to calm himself down. I just have reservations about doing it. You can't imagine the looks I get from people walking by. Really makes me feel even more embarrassed than his actions in the store. He said that I shouldn't worry about others looks and that it is a fine way of dealing with it. It shows him how to calm himself down, it also shows him that I can deal with him without losing my temper therefore teaching him the proper way to deal with things.
So all in all it was a good group meeting.
Now to last night. Seeing as I couldn't read blogs, post on mine or even watch TV we went to bed early last night. Around 9. Well SR was into reading a book and didn't want to turn out the light so I decided to go to the closet to find a book for myself to read. Instead I found an old box of letters. Going all the way back to when I was in high school. Read through a few of them and then just got down further into the box. Well I forgot that SR and I saved every letter that we wrote to each other when I was in Basic Training. I read through some of hers. Looking for the sexy ones she wrote to me. You know I forgot my old nick name? I could always tell when it was a sexy letter because she use my nick name instead of my real name. Then I came across a few of the letters that I wrote to her. I was such an ASS! When she said in the beginning of her Blog that I was controlling she was right. I was in Alabama, she was in Cali. But I still tried to control her through my letters. What the fuck was I thinking? After I read a few of those letters I just put them away and rolled over and held her tight. I said that I love her so much and was sorry for the way that I treated her. I told her how lucky I am to have her in my life and that I'm going to remind myself and her of that every day. So we laid there and held each other until we fell asleep in each others arms.
So that should bring me up to date now. I now know a little more about what I need to work on to improve myself. I just wish I could see my therapist more than once a month to speed this process along in a more timely manner.
